by
Black Girl With Long Hair
By Ariel LeConte of Revolutionary in Pink Pumps
You know the girls you see in the Miss Jessie’s and Shea Moisture ads, the ones with big smiles as tons of bushy curls come falling down around their faces? Or how about the dark chocolate girl whose perfect white teeth beam up at you from the magazine ad as she rocks a thick kinky type 4 afro? Yea those girls… they are not me. My natural hair doesn’t make me smile or want to pose for pictures or even run my hands through it. On the daily I consider if I should just chop it all off and go bald. I’m one of those 4c hair texture girls; defined as tight kinky texture with a minimal curl pattern. What the real definition of 4c is: ” Oh you thought you were gonna get a comb through that? You wanted to use curl cream and Denman brushes you say?….NOPE!”
Transitioning
Almost 4 years ago I stopped perming my hair and let me tell you it has given me hell every step of the way. I left it in twisted extensions for the first year, then cut off the permed ends and started to wear it out. I was so excited. I combed the natural hair blogs and watched hundreds of YouTube tutorials to help me decide what creams I would use for all these amazing styles I would be doing. It was like an awesome dream. For a while things were okay, my hair was still in that “in-between” phase so it held onto twist outs pretty well but I was still itching for some length! I figured if I gave my hair time to grow it would work out better for me. So I put in an invisible (tiny braided extensions) and left it alone to grow.
Fast Forward
Whenever I would take out my invisible I was excited to see what kind of hair growth I had acquired. I attempted wash and go’s and was horrified by the results. My hair in actuality was about 2 inches short of being shoulder length and when I washed it the shrinkage was horrible. I would attack my head with Curlformers, Denman brushes, afro picks, Shea Moisture, Miss Jessies, Carol’s Daughter, I mean if you name it I promise you I tried it; many of these products at the recommendation of natural hairdressers I visited and consulted. No matter what I did my hair would shrink up into a dry not-so-fluffy little afro. It made me miserable. I would literally sit in the mirror, stare at my hair, and cry. I had heard that it was a little rougher for type 4 textures, but I felt helpless, I just wanted to hide all my hair.
A Little Heat Lightning
I decided that maybe if I stretched my hair a little bit it would cooperate with me and boy was I right. I got my hair professionally blown out and then went home and did a twist out on it. It was the most beautiful result I had ever seen and for the short time that I wore it I was absolutely ecstatic about my hair. I snapped photos everyday and made excuses to go out just so I could walk around with it.
But as soon as I wet my hair again it reverted to its awful, annoying state. I was depressed again and back under an invisible it went.
My Sad Revelation
This summer I wore some Senegalese twists and when I took them out I went to get my hair blown out once more. I did a beautiful twist out and the very next day the heat and humidity destroyed it. By 5 pm my hair had no shape. It was just a tangled mess on on my head. I was back to square one, because clearly the summer wasn’t going to allow me my heat straightened freedom.
I’ve pretty much given up on my hair for the moment. Even though I have friends with type 4 hair texture none of them seem to have hair that’s anywhere similar to mine and I feel deeply alone in this struggle. I wash my hair and attempt to pick it out with my black power fist afro pick and it just sits there. I still look in the mirror and want to cry but when I walk out the door I hold my head up high and act as if my hair looks amazing. I don’t even have recent pictures of my hair to post because I have essentially refused to be photographed. I have hair envy of other naturals, especially the ones with big fluffy fros, but aside from all of that I have alot of self-hair hate. Since my natural hair causes me so much trouble the smartest thing to do would just be to give up on being natural but something in me refuses to allow it. I don’t want to go back to being a slave to my perm just like I don’t want to be a slave to my blow dryer.
Honestly right now I’m just biding my time, covering my hair in pretty scarves, until I can put in my next invisible. But I write this post for all of my other natural hair girls who feel just as miserable and hopeless as I do. I refuse to give up, no matter how much trouble nd stress my hair gives me. I cannot change my hair texture, it’s mine and that was the point of being natural, to embrace who I was. It’s not about the fad, it’s about being free from a bond to a conformist habit. Even though I want to stop trying, I know I won’t. I think I’m secretly hoping that one day when it comes out of an invisible it will spring into a huge fluffy fro and my problems will be solved. I know it won’t happen, but a girl can dream and the point is that you should too. I hate my natural hair and I’m ok with that, I just have to keep trying.
Ariel is a 20-year-old college student, plus sized beauty activist, blogger and mass media junkie who’s in love with black culture and fashion. Her blog is Revolutionary in Pink Pumps.
331 Responses
This morning, this very morning, I feel exactly the way you described. I am currently fighting back tears and wondering how I’m going to go outside with my knotty, shrunken 4b hair. I took the braids out last night, washed it this morning. And now I’m stuck. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I feel very alone. I know it’s just hair. I’m probably being dramatic. But whenever I see all these other beautiful styles on beautiful girls, whenever I try to achieve the same results from a YouTube video and fail, it really hurts.
So thank you for talking about this dark side no-one seems to mention. We’ll figure it out. Hopefully.
I straightened my hair daily for years because I thought I hated my curls then. I’d do anything to have those curls back. Now I’m 2 months heat-free and trying to deal with multi-textured, heat-damaged curls that make me miserable and self-conscious. I’ve always been told that I have a “unique” look because I’m such a pale-skinned mixed girl with big hair, but I can’t necessarily see that as a compliment. I have no idea what to do with my hair.
I’ve tried everything braids just wigs leaving it alone
Castor oil and my hair keeps breaking. I had an undercut just to get my hair in the back a fresh start it’s barely grown back. I honestly just give up and feel
Like relaxing it my natural hair looks terrible have no idea what I should do
Omg yes! I don’t put heat in my head and I do not put synthetic in my hair none of that worked in getting my hair to 12 inches! Now I’m doing synthetic hair and trying new products bit honestly i. Over it after 3 years I am slowly not caring.
I am glad I found this article I really am sick of my hair!! I tried weekly washes I have tried 2 months of protective styling and I have done weekly deep conditionered nothing has been able to get it to 12 inches
Ugh…girl, I feel you!
late to the party, but as i sit here literally crying because i’m so frustrated with my 4c hair, i don’t feel SO guilty anymore to see someone else say the same things. i fucking hate my hair. i hate that the only time i get complements on it is when it ISN’T my hair, like curly weaves or twists. i hate getting teased about how every cop has its own beat by my family or the strange looks and “harmless” teasing by my husband when i try to wear my natural hair around them. i’m tired of feeling like the only way to have beautiful hair that’s my own is to perm it. i feel like i’m cursed. already have enough shit going on as a black woman, now i can’t even feel naturally beautiful without some type of modification or hiding to my hair. so annoying.
The truth is not every body is going to have Tracy Ross (or insert whoever you hair envy) nor should they as that’s not the preeminent curl pattern, shucks, who says you need curls at all, kinky Afros are cute too, until the author learns to love her natural hair as is, she is always going to be unhappy trying make it into something its not.
I always wanted 3A or 3B hair because it was coveted in my community and seemed so easy to style and manage, so imagine my dismay when I found out I was the hair envy of others. I eventually learned to be happy with what God gave me and focus on all the positive things about my hair. I have 4A hair that I can detangle within minutes and forms perfect spirals when I add gel (or most styling products on the market). Yes, I have “bad” hair days, but so does everybody else, no matter their hair type.
3s are easier that’s what the battery
Natural hair refuses to admit. 4c fine hair is extremely to grow virtually everything breaks it off
I feel sorry for you guys. My salutes to you type 4 hair types. I’m so glad I’m a type 2 hair thank god.
“I’m so glad I’m a type 2 hair thank god.”
Ugh! Please shut up and take several seats.
I am so glad I found this article, my natural hair hasn’t seen the light of day since January. I finally decided to wear a twistout to my high school reunion because I expected a nice big afro twistout. My sister put some flat twists in my hair on Thursday and I took them out Saturday. This style used to look nice, well as I was taking them out, no curl I say no curl. I wanted to cry so bad. The next day, fro is flat and short and I’m feeling boy looking. I texted my sister I’m about ready to perm after six years. This is horrifying and she says do what makes you comfortable. I’m like I wouldn’t be comfortable, but I’m not comfortable when my hair isn’t done. This struggle is really making me want to hide my natural hair and keep it braided instead of wearing my afro. Goodness knows I love my fro. But I don’t feel beautiful anymore, but I don’t want to perm it.
Finally someone who understands. I get tired of all the “well you must be doing something wrong, you should try this” advice. I know they mean well, but it’s like seriously, shut UP. It’s not always how it may seem. I didn’t think there was anyone who related to the frustration I feel trying to style my natural hair until I read this article.
“If at first you don’t succeed dust it off and try again ” we need to love our hair , God created us with unique features, and we need to embrace it. It okay if we don’t fit the worlds standard of beauty, we don’t need to we are beautiful the bible speaks of “sun kisses skin ” if that doesn’t give you a hint why we are so oppressed. Embrace your coils and work with it not against .
Btw your hair looks nice in the fro hairstyle
Girl it’s going to be ok…I cut my hair off to do more of a rihanna style and sheesh.. it was so hard to grow back. Now I have natural coils and sometimes I hate it because I’m like when is it going to grow. But it will you just have to be patient. Make sure you are maintaining the health of your hair. Making sure it is moisturizer , cutting your ends, and wash ing your hair every week. Do some research with girls who have long natural hair. Take on their tips. For example one young lady washes and conditions her hair in braids. Leave it in braids and twistouts..sometimes it’s not good to rock a curl fro because it gets dry fast. I’m.sure if you develop a good hair care regime it will work out better. At least you didn’t have alopecia.
Your words ring so true to me I literraly just…just ! balled my eyes out while staring at my afro which looks like one giant tangled dread loc. Prior I had allowed a student at a barber college to simply wash and condition my hair & I left the shop with clean fresh hair. I was smiling. That’s untill i made it home and pulled my hair from its pony-puff. The middle of my hair was still damp but seemed to have formed madly tangled knots and my hair was just dangling in clumps in certain areas ready to come out with a simple tug. My drying hair had shrunken and sat stiffly ontop my head with my knotted ends standing straight up and out. Two years of new growth tattered and destroyed from my first wash and go. I am currently reconsidering a relaxer as I long for the old simple days but two years of pure dedication to the natural life has me torn FML
I completely understand this. This is exactly where i am at at the moment. actually, it’s where i have been for a long time. my hair is long when its straight but hecka short when completely shrunken and it ANNOYS THE HECK out of me. i feel like the thickest bush is on my head and theres nothing i can do about it. i actually love locs and want to loc my hair, but then i know i wont necessarily have the freedom i have with unlocked* hair ya know? anyway, thanks for the read.
wow i was just thinking how much i hated my hair so i googled women who hate/dislke there natural hair and i came across this and it made me happy that i am not alone but also sad because we are struggling to feel beautiful in our own skin. I’ve been natural for 6 months now i have a decent size curly fro i have no idea if I’m a 4a,b,c or whatever all i know is that i miss the way i felt when my hair was straight. people tell me i look younger and prettier without the weave or wigs my boyfriend has no complaints he would love me if i was bald but my confidence is so low i almost feel embarrassed i just wish i could see what everyone else sees. but i like you feel the need to hold on just a little longer I’m gonna give i a full year before i make any decisions about relaxers. what keeps me from going back to the creamy crack is the idea of possibly eventually getting ill from the chemicals, i want to live a overall healthier lifestyle, and the idea that hopefully i have a daughter one day and not wanting her to tell me she wants a perm at 10yrs old, but then i think how could i teach a little girl to love and embrace her natural self if i hate my natural self. so ill hold on a little longer and everyday i look in the mirror and try to find something beautiful about my hair. i wish you luck hun!
We should create support page or group simply for tchating and posting pics . I just did my hair today, an attempt at a wash and go , so not happy with the result . Would love to get some support and offer mine on this journey of learning to love every inch of ours.
This legit made me cry. Idk wheter or not she’ll read her comments this article was me up till 4 years ago. I went natural and it’s been hard but I love my hair now. I just wish people would stop saying negative things to me about my hair because words do hurt.
Check your porosity! If dryness is an issue porosity is usually the culprit. Tailor your products and routine to your porosity, steam and baking soda for low, acv for high.
Girl, steam is the answer. Get a steamer that opens the cuticle NATURALLY and forces water into the follicle. Do it after you wash and before you deep condition once a week. You need water. Not product. Water needs to get inside. Spraying it on top may make your hair moist, but it will not moisturize your strands where you need it. The water will quickly evaporate off especially once you touch it and put heavy product on it. The more water your hair retains, the longer you will hold a style before it starts to shrink. Your hair is gasping for water and pulling humidity from the environment, that’s why it’s shrinking and your blow out does not last more than a few hours. Your hair is dry from the inside.
Drink lots of water and steam, then use a teensy bit of light product to style. Skip the butters, think whipped oils and butters that melt into the hair and skin and have moisturizing properties. Research helped me with this part.
Use a clarifying shampoo to take the gunk off your hair –till it squeaks, then use a moisturizing shampoo to rehydrate. Then you steam for 30 mins to a hour depending on the density of your strands, and finally condition.
Always use a light leave in and heat protectant before you blow dry.
The streamer is worth every penny. If you spend $2 a week eating out, you can afford a steamer.
Hey Ariel,
We’ve all been there. I have too, not hating my hair but thinking it couldn’t grow to eventually fall/hang with my tight curlies. My earlier videos reflect the stretch trials and errors. But like you, my hair was only about 1-2 years in. Be patient and munipulate less. Wear your invisible braids if it will keep your mind off the length for a while. It will eventually flurish. Hang in there. For encouragement, my youtube channel is Iamsonotmyhair. Take care.
You know what? If you don’t like your hair, don’t have it. Why be miserable? Why suffer? Just realise and recognise that you can’t cope and move on. It’s a pity you feel that because it indicates that you’re a bit out of touch with a part of yourself (and reject a part of yourself…) but it’s also the reason people go for nose jobs. They change what they don’t like. Just make a decision and move on. Or learn how to live with it. But do something and stop whining about how much you hate your hair but you’re going to stick it out. Stick it out for who? It’s your hair, you have to wear it. Stick it out so people can admire it? But you go home miserable and cry to your mirror? Make a decision and live with it. But stop being miserable over your hair.
Wow that was tough love lol but I needed this too .
I hate to say this but… No matter what your hair looks like, feels like, does or does not do… you need to deal with it… Stop manipulating it so much. Just stop… Appreciate your dry shruken afro and all its 4c goodness. Shave the sides into a fro-hawk.. Throw in some two strand twists… ( I’ve been here, I thought I looked like a boy, and then I just said, this is me.. ) and its been on and poppin ever since… Shrinkage is annoying, reverting styles are annoying, manipulating is time consuming. Just look in the mirror and accept what you see.. its trans formative…. and this has nothing to do with the article, but … there is an add for Suave Professionals that is pretty much defining the problem you are having… you want it to look like what you’ve seen and what is supposed to be acceptable rather than realizing you are acceptable just the way you are but its hard when the media says otherwise…
You look really pretty. Your hair does too. I have a kid and a busy life- so I locked. I am ambivalent about it too, but there are times when I don’t think a lot about my hair. Which I think was the point for me- not to spend so much time thinking about it. But you have a gorgeous face. Sometimes I have lip envy. Your lips are amazing. So some people have the easy ‘fros, some people have great lips.
Exactly how I feel and when you express the fact, people tell you that’s what society puts in your head, to make you think you are not beautiful. I feel beautiful, the problem is my hair. It completely does Nothing, honesty I feel I just keep it to say I have hair and to have something for my wigs to hold on to. Honestly, I feel it is not worth the effort, for what it does in return. It very hard for me to tame it because my hair is short and I don’t like hairstyles like Afros and stuff. What makes it worst is when you try to straighten it, it’s the hardest to straighten and doesn’t stay that way. I glad someone feels the Same as me.
I wish I would’ve read these comments before posting mine. I’m not transitioning, I’m just stretching but have only felt uglier when I discovered my thinning. In general I feel like I look unkempt and even if I go through the best, most extensive regimen to style it nice as soon as I start my day it begins to fail me and by the time I get home I might as well not have don’t anything. I’m lucky as I don’t work around people who know how bad I look (3 white guys). I’ll say this, I cannot WAIT to get my perm but I’m more aware of when/if I really need it, this is a nightmare!
WOW, I’ve never heard someone honestly discuss this side of the debate. Everyone always acts like natural, awesome, you don’t know what you’re missing and its no big deal. I find myself forced in this place as I’m trying to save my thinning crown. Although, I’ve always relaxed I’ve never been a weave, extension, style-changing person. I always just liked simple, healthy, STRAIGHT wrapped type styles. With my problem I’m stretching relaxers (3-4 months out now), Jamaican Castor Oiling to death, CoWashing, PrePooing etc etc.
I must say I HATE the look and managabilty I have to live with. The afro underneath, the edges are a nightmare, when it’s moisterized properly it’s stringy and stiff, I just look like total and utter ***t! I workout, live in NY (humidity city), sweat at times and am only more miserable by the thought of losing my hair. I tried updos and buns but my edges make me look absolutely rediculous and I end up working the crap out of my hair for nothing. I’m one that agrees that the ‘natural’ look isn’t a look for everybody whether you don’t think it’s cute or don’t have the time to deal. And NO I am not a ‘low self esteem, brainwashed, sista’ I just prefer straight hair (on me at least) and would probably die before I went with the alternative. Having said that since I have this problem I’d be able to live with my hair if it would hold after I flat iron/roller set at least a day but it does nothing but work against me and my life. The same way you’re not giving up on your natural journey, I feel like I’m not giving up on trying to grow this shoulder length mess so I can style it the way I like, look nice and keep it on my head. I really appreciate/respect your honesty and keeping it 100, thank you!
I feel like this right now. There was a time I was having great success with my hair. I don’t remember what is was during that time. I’m pretty sure it included flaxseed gel…
Whatever the routine was it’s forgotten, and I’m considering the HAIR 360 treatment. What’s hard for me is when dating I want to be a “NATURAL AMBASSADOR” bUT if my flexirod set doesn’t work, or I don’t leave enough time to dry. Then I’m on a date not feeling cute, and that shows. It’s worse if the guy is new to naturals.
Also I hate that it takes me at least 4 hours start to finish every week.. I can get the motivation after a long day of work and the weekends are just as busy. I actually just hate washing my hair too… I need a remedy for that.
Thank you for being brave enough to share. Im totally struggling with my natural hair. I love that my hair is creamy crack free but i hate my texture. And now i resorted to annoying wigs or kinky twist when i can gather the time to put them in and prepared for a week of painful wrist because of a health condition. Im going to look into trying a blowout.
this is EXACTLY how im feeling right now. i love being natural , but i get tired of wearing a puff all the time , i wanna do wash and go’s , i wanna have amazing curl definition, but being a 4c is hard , especially if you have ultra thick hair like me. :/ what get me upset is the serious shrinkage i have, even when i blow it out it goes back to the shrinkage. i realized that i feel most comfortable when i wear a puff becausei i love having huge volume, but everyday i learn to accept that natural hair doesn’t always have to be fried, dyed, and laid to the side , i can actually go outside with it looking crazy because thats what natural hair is to me.
This is nonsense. You go natural because you want to. You stay natural because you enjoy your hair. NOT because it’s a fad or you want to be a rebel and think that being natural is the way to go. If its making you miserable to the point that you stare in the mirror and cry you need to rethink. I know I’ll catch a lot of heat for this but girl go relax your hair and be happy with yourself. Life is too short to be unhappy about something as basic as hair when there are options to make you smile.
I’m happy for you that you’re happy with your decision to stick with being natural. But it sounds like you’ve traded in white standards of beauty, with natural hair standard and beauty, when what you really need to do is find what keeps your hair healthy and you happy. Being natural is essentially about realising there are different ways to
be beautiful, it’s not meant to be a task or a chore, but a way to be
happy with yourself whilst still being healthy. I personally think low cuts look best on women who have tighter curls, which sounds like you. But if you really just want long hair, tighter curls need less manipulation- so cornrows and wigs ? Or singles with extensions?
GIRL! I HATE HATE HATE MY NATURAL HAIR! This is my second go around and I just big chopped. I mostly just wear uncomfortable wigs or get it braided when I have some extra money but I feel your pain. During my first stint natural, I never felt pretty, and felt like I was doing more harm than good with all the constant manipulation. This time I am determined to give up the creamy crack so I opt for protective styles until I get to a comfortable place in my journey.
I understand what it’s like to have hair that doesn’t like to be tamed. The day that I decided that I was not going to control my beautifully nappy 4C/D hair (yes, I said for 4D, because it be like that sometimes) was the happiest decision of my life. My hair was not made for combs, brushes, and other tools that people use on their hair.
I can completely understand being frustrated with hair that gets all poofy and puffy when a little bit of humidity hits, but honestly I think loving your hair comes from changing your mindset. Not telling you what to do, but I think that you may need benefit from fully embracing your hair–whether that is wearing it out more, finding a quick and awesome go-to-style, or finding cute items that you make you feel good.
Good luck on your journey and remember it is a journey to reconnect with yourself!
Any 4c ladies ever heard, or tried, the Maximum Hydration Method? It is supposed to do amazing things for all hair types, but 4c especially! Please check it out. It may seem like work, but the benefits may out way the work.
This is also me! But ladies I think we have 4D hair! Our type wasn’t even added to the damn hair typing chart! My sister has 4C and can do many things with her hair. Those don’t work for my hair. I have Zero curl pattern and lots of fairy knots and breakage. It sucks!!! I moisturize, eat extremely healthy (my sister doesn’t), did greenhouse method, everything! I’m 2.5 yrs natural and I still don’t get along with this 4D texture. I’m holding on for some kind of miracle!
I think you need to try to work with your hair and find a favorite hairstyle or haircut/color. There are so many hairvloggers on youtube who can inspire you. It kinda breaks my heart when you say your hair is going back in its “awful” state. I admire your courage and believes. But I think it would help if you start working with your hair instead of covering it up or try to make it straight. Thats not acccepting but denial. And mabey its not for you, but that doesnt mean you dont have a natural mindstate. That doesnt have to do with hair at all. Do whatever makes you feel alive 😉
Wow, that photo of you with the picked out afro – it’s gorgeous! It’s a real shame you can’t see the beauty in it, but I understand that it’s not as easy to turn on this switch to just love and embrace your hair as others seem to. I remember when I felt such hatred over mine and it isn’t pretty, it makes you feel like crap. I really hope you don’t always feel so resentful of your hair.
You and your hair are beautiful, glad you aren’t giving up on it! I think that as long as you’re still taking care of your hair that it’s worth sticking out the natural route while you aren’t completely happy with it.
I’M ALSO 4C …. and I can completely relate with how you feel Ariel. I’ve been through the same struggles you’ve mentioned. I quit obsessing about length and got a faded cut and BOOM. I fell in love with my hair! AND its so easy to manage. I hope that you will also find a style that suits you, whatever it may be, and that makes you feel good about your hair… so you can be happy.
This is my story!!!
Wow …This is my story!!!
I hear your pain and understand what learned about being natural is that you have to accept the good and dad things about being natural and stop tormenting yourself love the way God made you and everyone will do the same
Sooooo am I the only woman on here who gets extra attention from men , siply because my hair is natural? Especially from the rastas, lol got me blushing and stuff.
What city is this in?! I get some compliments but not enough from the right men either!
Those who are struggling with kinky hair should consider cutting it in a style…having hair grow wild and untamed out of your head, when you are trying to grow it out is not a good look for any ethnicity. In our culture, I know it is practically sacrilege to cut your hair even if it is to style it, but trust me, you will see a transformation. Even if it means cutting it so your Afro will look equal and rounded etc, it is a very good styling option.
I understand exactly how you feel. I went back to natural 2 yrs ago. The most frustrating thing for me is that when I had relaxed hair I had such a beautiful texture of hair & my “new growth” was always wavy & really pretty so I assumed that I would have really pretty wavy hair when I went natural & boy was I wrong. I grew my hair out for a year & then had the relaxer ends cut off. I wore a combination of weaves & senagalese twist constantly. I had very, very thick hair when it was relaxed now I have a lions mane that is dry & resembles tumble weed. It takes immense amounts of water to wet my hair & even more shampoo to get suds. What’s even more frustrating is that when my hair is wet I have the most beautiful curls & no matter what product I use nothing helps retain my curls. When my hair dries it looks like a brillo pad. Every natural hairstyle that I have tried so far has never been cute or ever turned out right. The only thing that I can do is wear my big Angela Davis afro. (Which i must say has grown longer than its ever been in my entire life by the way) I LOVE Natural hair its So beautiful & was so excited about styling it & watched all the youtube tutorials & bought tons of products, but mine is just not becoming on me. My hair looks a mess & I cannot even pull it into a ponytail due to how thick it is. I was straightening the “leave out” to blend with my weave but it resulted in breakage. I finally got so desperate that I permed the edges around the perimeter of my hair 2 wks ago & my hair around the front almost immediately fell out 🙁 needless to say I will never touch that creamy crack again. I’m really upset that I broke down after 2 yrs of being completely natural now I’m starting over again around the edges of my hair. I’m still frustrated I have to wrangle this mane & it never cooperates. I have no idea what to do with it. I don’t want to have to continue resorting to weave & braids I feel like God has blessed me with all of this thick hair for a reason not to cover it with weave.
I bet your hair has the potential to be absolutely beautiful. You just need to find the correct regimen. Do you have stylist in your area that specialize in natural hair, if so you should ask for a consultation, even if you have to pay. Keep reading and watching videos of women who have hair similar to yours. Try: https://www.coilyqueensrock.com/p/the-coilyqueens-haircare-regimen_25.html or https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkIjBFkF6P0 . If all of the above fails then there’s always the option to get a texlax where you leave a mild relaxer on your hair for a maximum of 8 minutes. I know some are opposed to putting any chemical in your hair but you have to do what works for you and you should love and feel confident in your curls and coils. Good luck!
Also diet and fish oils- do you drink water? Lots of water?
The writer, Ariel, has written my thoughts exactly. I too am very unhappy with my hair. It’s thin and fails to grow (or retain length, whatever!). It’s a relief to know that there is at least one other person who isn’t loving their hair so much, and won’t accuse me of not loving myself and what God gave me. I hope to get out of this rut soon, but don’t see an end in sight. I toy with the idea of cutting it again, simply because I don’t want to touch it. I’ll definitely be doing another protective style soon to give myself a break. Thanks for your honesty Ariel!!!
I’m thankful for this!!! I too have began to hate my natural hair. I have been on the fence of just going back to perms and I know I don’t want to sink into doing that again, but it seems my hair never looks good. Other people compliment me on my 4c hair all the time, but I truly don’t like it. This year will be two years natural and it has grown a lot but shrinkage makes it impossible, I have tried different products to see what is best for my hair and nothing works. Don’t get me wrong, I think natural is beautiful and if your hair works well with it I envy you, but I think I have almost had enough of the shrinkage. My hair drives me crazy.
I understand the authors frustrations but it is true that negativity begets and attracts even more negativity and this post has turned into a dark unhelpful place with kinky haired women are competing to see who can outdo each other with self hair hate. I too have 4c hair and I love it. It is challenging but it was challenging wearing relaxers braids and weaves too. I just found what regimen worked for me.and that’s the charge that all naturals have to come to terms with no matter the texture. People can make recommendations for you until they are blue but each individual has to love themselves and their hair enough to stop doing the things that don’t work and start and continue doing what does.
I have 4a hair uugh sometimes my hair is a mess . Also I get like two inches of shrinkage so I never see growth . I just went natural two months ago my hair is a pain in the butt at times .
I think sometimes those of us returning to natural forget how much work we did to style that was fierce and stayed that way when we were relaxed. I know for me, a relaxer day was at least 2 hours or longer. My hair was work and I took the time and had patience and a lot of the time I was met with a bad hair day(S). Some styles worked and some didn’t and don’t get me started on the humidity. Nothing has changed except you just aren’t relaxed any more. All of those same things issues still affect your hair, you just notice it more. In May of this year, I will have reached my 1 yr natural anniversary and I can honestly tell you, I’ve just recently realized that the regimen I used when I was relaxed and had hair down my back is the same regimen I need to use now. The only thing that changes are the products. I hope you learn to love your natural hair but I don’t suggest staying in a “hair relationship” you don’t love. It isn’t healthy for you or your hair.
I agree, why are people staying in these non-comital relationshps with natural hair. The hair is unfaithful and unwilling. yet they hold on.
I found as my hair grew longer and I became better at moisturizing my hair, what I thought was 4C hair was either 4A or 4B. I don’t really get into hair types so I really don’t know. But my point is once you really understand your hair, what it needs, and what it can do, the natural hair journey becomes much easier. For some, it is easier than others. But don’t get caught up in what others can do. Remember moisture is key and do it as often as your hair needs it. Become comfortable with what your hair can do.
Ty for sharing. I read so much about natural hair and how to take care of it and what products to use makes my head spin. It was a breath of fresh air to hear some just like me with the same type of hair. I’m 2 years in and learning. As I appreciate feedback going natural is really trial and error and learning more each day.
This was me as well! I simply had to let go of the styles I “thought” I would do as a natural, and learn how to truly manage my type of hair! Wash & go’s are a SUPER NO GO for me (although I thought this would be my daily hairstyle when I decided to go natural lol). I also learned that despite what the “Natural Navy” members (lol) had to say, medium to cool heat is my friend!!!!! I need it to stretch my hair and make it manageable for my flexi rods, twist outs, roller sets, etc. my hair continues to grow and is very healthy. I also use protective styles throughout the year so that my hair can get rest here and there. I guess we all have to figure out what works best for our hair! It’s been two yrs since I went natural and the first year was HARD! However, it was the best decision I’ve ever made for my hair!!!
Btw, I hate using 4c to describe our hair. Imo it’s just a “nice” way to put our hair type at the bottom of the hair list. Just my thought!
Just want to send some positive vibes your way! It took me time to love my hair too. Just like you grew the perm out of your hair, the mentality will grow out of your mind as well. I dream of a world where it’s not hard for us to love ourselves as dark, full lipped, wide nosed, -or in your case kinky haired as we may be. But I know it is hard, so I’m proud of you for putting in the effort. You are beautiful, your hair is beautiful and resilient. Its refusal to be tamed is a reflection of your spirit!
It seems like she hates what her isn’t rather than embracing what it is. The major problem with some dreams of those who transition or stop relaxing, is that you don’t have the curl pattern you dreamt of.. well that is the reality. Not everyone’s hair is the same.. and that is the reality that has to be faced and worked on. No curl or kink is better than the other and I think if she played around in her hair more and found what suited her rather trying to copy what everyone else is doing..she would be happier. There is nothing wrong with her hair at all.. the afro with the bow is soooo cute!!
I have different textures all over my head,but if I had to identify,I would identify with being a 4c chick. I think that part of the problem within the natural hair community is that there is a hierarchy of hair typing. When this is reinforced, naturals with our type of texture seek to have the “ideal” texture(i.e., looser curls, big/long hair)-which is impossible. And if we are judging what we want our hair to look like based on this “ideal”, then we will always be disappointed. We have to learn to SEE our hair outside of the what we have been taught is beautiful. My “messy hair bun” is not going to look like a white girl’s and it is not going to look like a woman who has type-3 hair. And I have to learn to LOVE the way my hair takes on these hairstyles. It’s hard. Often, politics of present-ability, cause us to view our hair and think, “This ish looks like a hot mess of tangles on top of my head” lol. Sometimes, you just have to go out and rock it, and look at images of women who have your texture hair(there is a FB group dedicated to women with 4C-type hair!)until you can see the beauty of our hair, shrinkage(I call it a magic trick! lol), etc. I completely understand where the writer is coming from, and I endeavor everyday to BELIEVE that my hair, fresh out of the shower and air-dried, is BEAUTIFUL because it is MINE and I choose to embrace it. Easier said than done of course! Good luck learning to love yourselves Naturals-that’s the whole point of this movement. 🙂
Point of clarification-our hair texture CAN have long /big hair.The difference is that our hair tends to grow up and out versus other textures that tend to grow down. 🙂
Omg I thought I was the only one. My hair is so unmanageable I hate it too…but my hair has never been so healthy and strong. When I get it blown out it is so shiny and thick. I too wont give up on her I just have to find that niche! Good luck in your journey sis!
As a fellow 4c natural, I feel your struggle. This hair texture is no joke! My hair is also fine to boot so even with the length I have currently achieved (about collar bone length) and it’s tendency for shrinkage, it doesn’t look like much but you know what? Eight years into being natural & I can honestly say I totally appreciate my hair for what it is. And this is mainly because it took about 6-7.5 years for something to click for me! Hopefully you don’t waste such valuable time. Sure there are some days where I pine for thick 4c hair but I know it’s never going to happen. Like another person said: put those images of what you hair SHOULD look like out of your head and start to embrace what it WILL look like in the future. Some days my hair utterly frustrates me but never in a million years would I go back to a perm because for me, those didn’t work too well either… My hair makes me unique, I stand out! Heck nah, I’m never going to have a defined twist/braid out or a fierce afro (ie. because it’s too fine to do that) but I work with what I have and get creative with my styling choices. Protective styles are MY best friend, they may not be yours but you might see some positive results by incorporating more into to your regiment. I keep my hands out of my head as much as possible, I don’t mess with wash & go’s, I try faithfully to moisturize my scalp using the loc method and I wash my hair in large loose twists (although they tend to unravel during this process quite frequently lol) because that’s what works for ME. You will figure out what works for your hair, it just takes some time. Good luck.
I so happy that there are other people who feels my pain. I did a big chop a year ago, for the second time and this time, I promise not to give up on my hair. I’m having the same struggles and I look at the YouTube vids and wish I had 3C hair. I feel so disappointed with my hair right now.
I have your hair and your struggle. To have a nice afro you have to braid it up every night… its a lot of work… A LOT… but its the only way to achieve the nice fluffy fro with our hair. If you want fluffy and curly afro you have to roll it on flexi rods with a bit of gel or hair butter, just enough to make it moist, not wet. There is no wash and go for us… sorry. Oh and to add insult to injury, I have one 3 inch patch right up front that is straight up 1B, I kid you not so I have to curl it with a curling iron and then roll it tightly to get it to mix with the 4C hair… sigh…
You’re a pretty girl. Your expectations are what’s messed up, not your hair. Stop looking at ads, they just want to sell products to you by making you feel bad. As for ‘getting a comb through your hair’, we black women need to forget about that. I’m a 3c (very loose curl) and until I stopped combing my hair completely, only finger combing with conditioner in it, my hair was making me completely crazy, taking forever to ‘clear’. I haven’t combed my hair now in two years or brushed either, yes, I mean I don’t Denman brush even and my hair has never behaved so well or looked so good. Also forget that Carol’s Daughter and Mixed Chicks and those expensive ripoffs and go to natural products such as shea butter and cocoa butter, make your own mixes. And please don’t decide I don’t know what I’m talking about and can’t appreciate your ‘struggle’ because I’m a 3c–all my life my hair was nothing but tangly trouble, until I learned the proper hair care, it was a mess straightened and it was worse natural…Me and my Mom have been doing our haircare journey together, she’s a 4c and I’m a 3c and one is not more ‘manageable’ than the other or more ‘beautiful’,both of us have benefited from the same process, fingercombing only, wearing braids a lot, leaving in conditioner, being very gentle with our hair. By the way, responding to the reader who is going to marry a white man so you don’t have trouble with kids’ hair, are you in for a surprise, my mom was so surprised to find once she had me that though you might get looser curls, that doesn’t mean you can just do anything with the hair. I have a lot of white friends, trust me, they have their own issues, they don’t have shampoo commercial wash and go hair either, that is a big, fat lie…
This is one of the most frustrating things about having difficulty with your hair in the natural community. Say that you’re frustrated/fed up/overwhelmed, and people come at you with “stop trying to be like other people” instead of really hearing what you’re saying.
I went through exactly what the write went through and it had nothing to do with me wanting something unrealistic. I expected my hair to be moisturized because I was using everything I could think of to moisturize it. Yet my hair remained dry and brittle. I expected that if I took the time to do my hair, it would actually look “done.” Yet I would spend an entire day working on my hair and then have to just pin it up because it wouldn’t “do” anything other than look as though I had just rolled out of bed.
It is very difficult to see no progress in the health and looks of your hair and then to see people with similar hair types making leaps and bounds. It took me some time to figure out how to deal with my natural hair. I’m natural, but I wear my hair straight because the frustration of spending 4 hours on my hair every Sunday only to have it look as though I had done nothing for days was just too much to deal with after awhile. My hair is much healthier and looks better in the last two years of wearing it straight (in part because I have fine, low density hair). It annoys the hell out of me when people say that I was probably just expecting it to be like some other person’s hair.
Nope. That’s not what happened. What happened is that I have a head of hair that didn’t respond to any of the tricks/tips/techniques that people gave me when I said that I was frustrated by my hair. The truth is that for some people natural hair is more of a burden than it is a celebration. I wish people in the natural community could come together to support people who are frustrated and upset rather than trying to figure out ways to tell them that they are doing something wrong by feeling that way.
Only read this if your aim is to understand what a man views about your Natural Hair look, and if you aim to please him or attract a man. This is not to be offensive this is to inform you of the other side. If nothing else lets have a conversation. jom
Get your coffee and let’s go.
So I am a fan of nice looking straight hair natural or not; cute and curly fine. What we men are not fans of is the snatch back, puff up, Florida Evans, fight the power afro with a flower, smush bush, or the pulled up fohawk. Like it or not that is how your man views it. That is what they talk about when they are with their boys. WE HATE IT. And no we don’t tell you because we still care about your feelings. We want that Olivia Pope hair, and if it came down to it we will take that Pam Oliver on Sunday over this.
I conducted a research study to gauge the feelings of, black men and how they feel about natural hair on women. Of the 100 that responded 88% said they did not like it, 8% said they did like it and 4% did not return the survey. This quantitative study was conducted in Washington, DC. The men are all college educated at least a Bachelors degree 70 single and 30married.
I read your concerns about your hair, I can say hey yeah you’re trying, but what exactly is wrong with how you was wearing it prior to? I am not buying the “whole slave to a perm”, or why do I have to have the euro heat to be neat, STOP IT. Your man likes it, I swear he does. I swear he does not view his baby the same as the eye candy he once did. He does not care about that curl pattern as much as he does about the flow pattern of your hair flowing. We love your tracks, the invisibles that the original post wrote (great option your best photo), the extensions and segaleese twists. Oh so what now females are picky about what they are and are not honest about? You can hide who you are with “Spanx”, make up, lipstick, foundation, invisaline, teeth bleaching, fake nails and anything else, because you are trying to be appealing to either pick up a man or continue to please the one your with, and cover any imperfections. Well guess dang on what, you can have imperfect hair and sometimes even ugly hair and just like you hide cover up anything else every day, why feel bad about covering up your hair? Everybody cant have the ability to go natural and it look good and you know who you are. You aren’t in no rush to go anywhere else “Natural”, so let it go. I am also the guy that will pay for her to get the hair done, nails done. If my lady is getting bigger- I am the one to nip it in the bud and not let it go 10, 15, 20pounds over. Honesty right? Or honesty about what you say we can be honest about. I am the one that will work out with you and encourage you,
I am with my girl and she has the puff now and ties it up with whatever is laying around, and we go out. I can’t but help finding myself looking at other women with long hair, great bob cuts and the ever sexy Nia Long cuts. I don’t even like going out really because sometimes it’s just like here we go again. And then my fellas tell us of horrific stories of their wives coming home out of the blue with these natural haircuts, without even discussing it. Kids asking who is that daddy? Are you serious? And I know I know, “it’s my hair” but it’s not just your relationship. It’s OUR relationship and WE, are in it and YOU, have just dealt the relationship a really hard blow, by a decision that YOU, made on your own. It’s your hair ladies but it affects US. So when the problems occur, own your role in it when you are arguing over dumb stuff and you can’t figure it out, own it.email me if you dont like it jo**********@***oo.com
I was in a popular coffee and poet shop off of U street, I had this table of ladies behind me and they were speaking of their inability to find a man that accepts them for them, and the inability to find a man, and how they are on dot.com sites “catfishing” men by posting pics of themselves when they had straight, blown out hair. And how now they go out on one date and they get no call backs and they don’t understand why. So I turn and look at the women and they all have the snatch back puff, with a flower.
Women don’t want the truth about what men think or want, women seem to relish in the idea of wanting the truth. Well at his point you cannot say that you never knew what at least this man thinks and 88% of men think. And if your goal is to get a man you will need to adjust to what your man wants. I think that the women today are not the women of yester year as it corresponds to the feelings and thoughts of their black man I feel as though those women knew what it took to attract maintain and sustain their man. As a result there is a greater fear of men to get married, for they feel most women will not understand what we have come to value. Not asking for a mamma. Asking for the understanding that their mamma had, in their new mate.
I read about half of this post& started skimming…I’m sorry Joey, but what’s your point? I don’t wear my natural hair (which is fine 4b/c by the way) to “please” a man…I wear it to please myself. If you & all the men in your study are happy with those who prefer to wear their hair in some other fashion, so be it, more power to you & them…but please don’t come on a natural hair website dedicated to celebrating NATURAL hair & covertly attempt to shame those who chose to wear their hair in this manner by calling it research etc. This your view point of you, well yours and 100 or dudes out of millions. Did your research include a random sampling or did you seek out your respondents from the “heck nah my woman won’t wear her hair nappy” support group? Were they al Black, all from the Midwest? Do they all want their wives to barefoot & pregnant? How about you link this ‘study’. Find comfort in the fact that a large majority of these women your trying to call out for being proud of who they are aren’t checking for men like those you describe…For example: any man who wants to pursue me already knows what he’s getting from the jump: natural hair & a variety of hairstyles including that infamous ‘snatch back’ puff you’ve referenced’, no “cat fishing required. If you & your brethren are not feeling it, there are plenty of other women they can go and be with. Apparently, those 70 single men in your study might wanna do this now… I’m sure that you just might be posting in order to incite some type of ‘natural hair riot’ because you can’t seriously be this ignorant, right? Stay blessed & God bless the woman that ends up with you!!
I don’t think the post was ignorant as opposed to informative. Perhaps you should give ear to what is said and that there is a struggle aside from your own to the opposite sex. Ignorance is an act, the act of systematically rejecting new information. Which you have done. So bye definition not you but the statement u made is ignorant. Someone may have needed to hear that information. Someone may not have known that their man is impacted by her actions. Someone may be thinking about what was posted and now will consider her man and consult him before doing anything drastic. As the original post said “I hate my hair” do you not think that affects self image?
I only found this sight when I Googled “my black girlfriend has gone natural hair and I hate it.” And this sight was the first. I was looking for something else. But that tells me that I am not the only one that feels this way.
At the end of the day Joey, it’s a post on a natural hair website celebrating & embracing natural hair…she’s venting her frustration about she feels about natural hair, not how the guys she likes feels about her natural hair. If men don’t like one’s natural hair (that grew as it did out of one’s head) then they are free to move on. How superficial of them…. A marriage granted is different than a dating relationship: if we are dating, & I’m on the fence about going natural, you don’t have a say, you’ll get a heads up. If we’re married ,we’ll have a discussion & your input will be valued but guess what? It’s my hair. Maybe vows in the future should now include “in permed & natural states”…lol. Yes, I understand you felt the need to be the voice for men who abhor such a thing but the tone in your original post was absolutely offensive. For you to indicate that my opinion was an act of ignorance is also sad, lucky for me I don’t offend easily. People who read your post (which is your opinion & includes an unsubstantiated study: please provide a link) & take it for gospel without considering any other side of the discussion would be engaging in an ignorant act because they don’t know any better… For just as many men out there who dislike natural hair that are plenty more that do. Your own words were:”I am not buying the ‘whole slave to a perm’, or why do I have to have the euro heat to be neat” You do understand the history of slavery & how hair texture played a role in it right? You seem like an intelligent man. Women are free to do whatever they’d like with their hair because it’s theirs, if that’s messing up a relationship then that relationship needs to be re-examined & communication skills should be exercised. There are too many other things that likely take precedence over some guy whining about a Florida Evans style afro in a relationship. If women want to perm, straighten or wear their hair in a natural state the way that it grows out their head (this is my main point by the way) so be it, The issue becomes when they (or those close to them like significant others) associate natural hair with terms like “smush bush” (I don’t even want to know what that is) “Imperfect” “ugly” or something that “deals a really hard blow to a relationship”. Sweetie, that’s self-hate because that’s who you are naturally…What would be really interesting is if you’d write your opinion up as you have in the comment section and submit to the BGLH website as an article. I’d be interested in knowing how other women with natural hair feel about your point of view. My opinion is solely my own but hey, maybe there’s a silent majority of women reading this site that feel the way you and those 100 other men in your study do.
S.Jones
I do enjoy your dialog I do know that hair can and is sensitive. I just think that it is a major contradiction that some women that claim hair still have the make up and all the other unnatural jazz. Where is the movement to that? Perhaps you are correct this is not the place to voice an opinion and perhaps I will submit my article. The study was conducted by myself, participants were selected at random. Respondents were to respond on a 3 point Likert scale. 1 do not like 2. Neutral 3.like.
As I said before it’s your hair but also consider your mate you have, or one that you may want in the future.
Slaves also could not do for themselves and subjugation was a factor.
I will consider my article to the site.
I’d imagine that this is an appropriate place as any to converse and share opinions. Your premise while I don’t agree with it, is interesting & your opinion but: it did seem to me is if your girlfriend decided to go natural & you two didn’t have a dialogue about it so it caught you off guard & you don’t like her current natural hair….maybe you’ll learn to appreciate it, maybe you won’t. At the end of the day it’s her hair. Beauty products also can get deep among women of color believe it or not (Noliwe M. Rooks is one author who tends to expand upon both…) Just like with hair, it’s all about the intent of them and the message you tell yourself and/or the message society tells you about using it (makeup, perms etc. Is it to enhance or to conceal/cover/hide some type of shame or perceived shortcoming)…But sharing your opinion in the form of an article submission on this site so that readers who are natural, relaxed & transitioning have the opportunity to read your position/stance could be an interesting read. Best of luck.
When you submit your article, please make sure to generalize the ethnicity of the participants in the survey.
i have to say, as much as i wanna be diplomatic…this post is really retarded to me, as in, “less advanced in mental, physical, or social development than is usual for one’s age”.
now the post is your perogative,i dunno you, it’s whatever and here’s my reply.
i’m actually thinking you’re trolling, but in case you aren’t…
i won’t speak for all women, i will only speak for myself and with confidence that i’m not the only one who feels this way.
my hair is extremely kinky (nappy)
my hair is pretty time consuming to deal with and this has been the case even when i was relaxed. decided to go natural because i had no reason to stay relaxed and when i thought about it, there was never any reason to be relaxed to begin with.
doing this, i’m aware that there will be people, men and women who will see it as ugly. last time i checked, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and what some consider beautiful is the complete opposite to others.
do i live to please others aesthetically? no, that’s not my purpose in life
your statistics jooey…are laughable, i simply had to respond.
when God created all that He did and “saw that it was good” He didn’t then say “except for blacks’ hair, that was my bad”.
you, or any other dude that tries to tell me my hair “needs” a perm, a weave whatever else suggestion you have, will just have me laugh.
bro, i am not here to please you ok? i will do what i want with my hair cos life’s too short to live in fear of others’ opinons,small mindedness, bigotry, etc. i’m not on the hunt for a man but i will tell you this, before i got with my man, i was not his type, after we met on the first date, he couldn’t get enough of me. in fact, lol, i was the furthest from his type, (dark skinned african chick) i had relaxed hair then and i did take care of it. when i started doing my kinky styles, heck, he loved them even more and i got a lot more attention from men wearing my frizzy fro.
another thing, i don’t wear makeup. whenever there is something wrong with me, skin problems weight issues, i take care of it. don’t think my lashes or brows are thick enough? castor oil. all this just to say, i am very pro rocking what my lovely Father gave me, there’s nothing some guy named jooey can say that will change that. (laies who love makeup, do your thang.)
also, if this dude really did do his research (lol) he should know that 100 man in the washington DC area doesn’t account for the entire male population, i mean, come on. i travel a lot, and i always get attention from dudes, it comes with the territory of being a woman.
it’s just doubled with my nappy effing hair. turns out my natural hair was more flattering to my features (crazy right?)
i personally , don’t want a man that doesn’t like my hair, a man that doesn’t like me isn’t a man i’m attracted period and while i am not my hair it’s a turn off if you don’t like it 😉
but more than that, i find that dudes who hate on nap city are usually the ignorant, insular, self hating fools.
then there are those who just dig straight hair. yo, that is your frickin right, just like me choosing to be a natural beauty is mine. if a woman isn’t attracted to short men, do you see her looking for a partner in one? no, same thing. i need not to make excuses for any of it. but do keep this in mind jooey, if God deemed it good, it’s not your taste that is better than His.
and don’t try to speak for “most” men, you haven’t done a survey with an unbiased sample that represents the population of “most men”.
you’re not interested in me, i’m not interested in you, cool. no skin off my back.
if there’s one thing i hate is random men thinking i should adhere to their taste.
whoever i decide to be with will like my hair, that is a fact.
lol, i don’t need to catfish anyone, what you see is what you get with me and it’s never a problem for those who matter.
I aint into making walls of text when I am replying to ignorance.
So I will make this short.
You negative and personal views on Afro Textured hair and your personal views on “the role of women” is unwanted and unneeded on a Natural Hair website where men and women go to take care of love Afro Textured Natural Hair.
Go away.
It’s interesting that you think that your opinion is the same as 88% of men out there based on a very small and not very diverse test (100 college educated black men in Washington DC). You’ve certainly pointed out some issues *some* people have but your advice isn’t going to apply to every woman and man. It certainly is the opposite of what drew my husband (and past boyfriends for that matter) to me. I’ve personally heard more men complain about tracks than say they’re worth it for the straight hair look. I gave my husband complete control of my hair style for our wedding and he said do NOT straighten it. He loves my natural hair and all natural hair, and there are many like him. Your advice would apply to a woman looking for a man like you, which perhaps the writer is not.
I don’t like you. I don’t like your personality or your point of view or the men you hang out with or relate to . So, as far as someone like you being a potential choice for me or any other natural out there, the point is, your point of view and investment in your point of view and presentation of your point of view is repellent. So, if you don’t like my natural hair or other women’s you can step. I have had natural hair for a while, and I have always attracted handsome, brilliant, funny men who treat me well. You, on the other hand, do not come off as funny interesting, deep or complex by any stretch. Insightful progressive, with a sense of irony and self awareness. I find such traits really attractive in men, and so draw that type of man to me. So- the problem is solved. Natural hair is repellent to you and you repel women with natural hair. Now, please go to the Relaxed Hair Forum and find your soul mate.
Thank you so much for this. I was sat in front of the mirror this morning wanting to cry. Im 6 months into transitioning and went for the BC and working my way through all the products I can on a budget! This article and the comments that followed made me feel less alone in this and that it is ok at times to hate this journey that ive embarked on but what always pics me up is the support and help here on the net. I have cotton like hair that I do not know how to deal with. I have mixed hair and am in the UK so its hard finding a hairdresser as well without travelling 100 miles into London!
Girl I’m there! – I’m so proud of your honesty. You are beautiful by the way. Though I’m sick of people telling me that when I don’t feel good about my hair too. I cringe every time I say I hate my ‘nappy hair’ as one of the proudest Black women in the world. I have such guilt. That is also so unproductive and the reason I wore my hair bald for my first 2 years of naturaldom. I wanted a change but I think I have to let this go. Sistahs, you are beautiful with your fros and poos and creams and twist-outs. I have to work. I can’t spend 4 hours on this mop anymore.
Thank you so much for posting this!!! I don’t feel so alone with my struggle. I’ve been natural all of my life but I have rarely played with many styles. My hair was always either been in braids or straighten. I been trying to rock my afro but I always feel like I’m going to be judge the moment I step out the door. I have no confidence in my hair but I’m trying to make it work. Rock that hair confidence!
Thank you so much for your candor! You’ve expressed everything that I have felt over the last five years or more. It’s just good to know that I am not alone. I’m not going to give up on my natural hair either. Hopefully in the near future we’ll both find what is going to work best for our hair type.
All the Best!!
Oh we’re the same age too 🙂
Thanks for the post makes me feel im not alone I had my last relaxer last December and have been transitioning while I was pregnant my hair fell out a bit but like you tried wash and go but doesn’t work for me. So I resort to blow dryers which I don’t want to do. But I just braid up my hair and put my upart on and a closure. I’m not afraid to show my hair necessarily but wish I could find a style for my natural hair. Been hiding under weaves and extensions.
But I won’t give up either and I hope you or anyone else does.
I am so impressed by your honesty. You are most definitely not alone. I started my “journey” over a year ago and at the beginning was optimistic as my hair grew like weeds when it was relaxed. I had long, strong healthy looking relaxed hair and thus anticipated long or big luscious curls. Boy was I wrong. What I got was nothing like it. It was dry as chips, I have single strand knots and breaking dry ends. I have constantly had to cut it to keep the ends neat so length retention is a struggle. I can only detangle under running water – no spray from a bottle for me. Like you I followed many a hair guru on Youtube and tried different styles but they never looked the same. I became so frustrated the other day that I unsubscribed from them all as I felt I could no longer relate. I don’t have the smile of admiration as they do when they look in the mirror at the new style they have created. Its normally oh well, a quick braid, a wig on and out the door.
I hate my hair too it wont grow no matter how much I nourish it ugh my self asteem is so low I can’t stand myself sometimes
THANK YOU!
Why do I say that in bold letters? Because I am thinking of transitioning to my natural hair from a short Halle Berry Style cut. I feel that this is a time in my life that I would like to see what my real texture is like. I had a “Come in a Jar” texturizer/relaxer when I was 3 and have been on the creamy crack for over 40 years. For the last week I have been researching the process and the results by watching youtube videos, and reading various blogs and by accosting kind naturals when I am out and about. Most of whom say “Do it girl, you will won’t regret it”. But, here is your voice saying WHOA chica….you might just HATE it!”. Hair envy is a really thing. And while I see some 4Cs that that have gorgeous hair, I hope and pray that what grows out of my scalp is a 3anything to a 4A. I fantasize about a big fluffy twist out or a glorious afro. My hair crush is the funny lovely Naptural85. But, who knows I could be a 4C and my dreams of springy coily curls would be crushed. But, you know the best thing about it all. It is just hair. I can always fall of the wagon and get HIGH on the creamy crack. By the way, you might not have wash and go hair, it might hold a twist out for more than an hour. But, you look cute! And there are lots of other 4Cs that might cry and moan that look great!!!!!!! Anyway, can’t wait to see what grows out of my head. Its been along time. I remember getting my braids taken out as a girl and going to the park with a glorious head of crimped hair (in my mind). I was relaxed even then but I remember that it was long, it had texture and it moved. There were some little girls that said “She think she cute!” And you know what….I did.
It is a process to be natural. It is a love-hate relationship at times. Love YOUR hair 2C to 5H! Do you and love you and your hair. ?
Wow. It’s a difficult position, but you’re fighting through it well, persevere until you find peace, whether that peace be staying “natural” or not.
For me, going natural would be the equivalent of going out to my backyard & setting up an outhouse vs. using my indoor plumbing. I’d never choose to do that, it’s too much work, plain & simple. I’m not going to feel liberated and wonderful, I’m going to feel frustrated & likely late for work ALOT, which would then lead to feeling as well as being unemployed, possibly homeless & using an outhouse. Sooo, yea, no outhouse.
On a more serious note, I am sort of texlaxed, my relaxer changes depending on how I feel. I sometimes stretch for months and reuniting with a few inches of new growth reminds me of why I chose to relax in the first place. Occasionally I get the natural itch, but I recollect and quickly return myself to why that isn’t a good choice for me personally, sort of like platform stilettos and talon nails.
I’ve recently chosen to procreate. Why Oh Why is it a girl?! I prayed for a boy, this hair talk wouldn’t even be a part of the equation, but much to my dismay I don’t only have to get the stink eye from the currently very trendy naturals, hopefully the fad will have toned down by the time I texture soften my MiniMe! Yes, it’s going down at this address Son. Nope, I’m not in the braid it for a week camp, kill all of that madness. I hated braids growing up and who knows if she will, but either way, she won’t “NEED” a braided do just to manage her tight fro during the school week. I can’t see myself doing it & it’s unrealistic for the lifestyle that I desire. Dare I imagine that she avoids the swim team because of hair woes?? Remember that Gabby/Olympic drama?
Ughhh, we catch the DICKENS over our hair. If it’s not our own personal issues, then it’s someone else’s overboard outspoken comments that ignites issues. I despise it and I despise even more this over-commenting as of late, “You should go natural”. Or maybe I should do what works for me, how about that? You wouldn’t like it if I approached you, verbally noted that you’re an estimated 20-40lbs. overweight and informed you that you should run each day for 30 minutes!!
Ok, so I’m not taking over your post, I’m going to quit now. I’m just reaching out to say I feel your pain on some level, even though I’m not natural. Hair is hard, it’s something like weight for me, I only seem to change it from time to time, but never truly love it.
I think you’re doing an awesome job & not liking it is fine to.
Amen sis amen lol!
Finally !! someone who feels the same way as me ! I hate my hair texture as well… and people can not ever understand how frustrating it is especially naturals who are able to grow big afros some can be so snobbish and think they are so much better than everyone else…. I am going to have children with a white man so that my children will NEVER have to go through this ….
I really think that if you hate your hair so much that you will seek someone who if you were to have a baby with might, genetically give the child a softer looser curl, instead of being with someone who might just have kinky hair but you love to death, then you need to consider going back to the creamy crack or texlax. 100% natural may not be for you. You should not be depressed and negative about your hair. Do what makes you feel powerful, confident, and beautiful. If it’s a weave, relaxer, extensions, whatever do you.
The creamy crack, does no good for my hair either as it is thin and lifeless when it is relaxed… and its too short to look good…. That is not a problem as i am NOT ATTRACTED TO BLACK MEN and NEVER will be. Like i say i have no intentions of letting my child go through pain,teasing and ridicule and hating themselves, in fact they will even thank me 🙂
To each’s own. Just remember to teach your kids to love themselves no matter what. And marrying someone of a different race does not guarantee “good” hair… trust me.
Hi KaylaI am new to your website and bileeve me, I understand the conflict you are going through. It is just so hard to carry on both sides of our lives if you will, that the constant conflict is unbearable.While I hate to see your marriage end, it was probably inevitable anyway. When you are transgenendered, the feelings get stronger over time. I wish you and your wife much happiness in the future and I will stayed posted on your blog to see how things go.Hugskathy
I know how you feel. I’ve just recently accepted that I think my hair is ugly and always will be. And I know people say that you need to learn to love yourself but that doesn’t mean that I have to be blind to my faults either. My hair is fine and always breaks and has zero shine or sheen. It always looks like a dry dusty ball and I’ve accepted that and I’m determined to work with it because I hate the smell and maintenance of relaxers more
Hi, I’m in my transition stage just started in july. I feel in love with the styles on YouTube this is what made me want to transition in the first place.But realisticly everyone hair can’t do wash n go or twist and get the neat kept looked as on some post .Although I did discover I can do all those things and I love most of the outcome I realized that alot of ppl trulyhate theirhair and I just don’t think its worth the frustration .I don’t get the hold I’m lying to myself except who you are. No matter what you do happiness is key so hopefully you can find it with you hair.I think its cute on you !!
I’m so happy I found this post. I’ve been there and I’m still there. I have become more accepting of my hair, but I cannot accept that it will take at least an hour each morning to get my hair looking okay. Call me crazy, but there has to be a better way to get my hair under control (MY control). I’ve read too many times that I need to accept my hair, which I agree with, but that does not mean that you must give up your sanity for it.
Thank you for this post! I’m 20yo and I’ve had natural hair almost all my life, but didn’t start taking good care of it until recently. I’ve BC’d my hair so many times just because I get so frustrated with my hair not doing what I want it to do. This article expressed exactly what I’ve been feeling. It’s been one year since my last chop and I’m really trying to give my hair more love and patience. Thanks for not giving up on your natural hair. It inspires me to not give up on mine either.
My hair is neither natural nor relaxed. I tried transitioning and the 4 month growth was so coily, like the spring u find in a pen, yeah! I put a little creme to soften it. I don’t know anymore.
I am so glad you posted this!!! I. Am also suffering from self hair hatred!! I am 4c and I have lost all hope!! I tired twist outs, rollers, braid outs, everything and nothing works!!,I done .hair challenges, treatments and not only does my hair refuse to grow but it wont hold a style for ish!! Everyday I look into the mirror and I grow frustrated !! I want to cut it so bad but then I would really feel horrid for my face is not made for short cuts!! I too.Cry at the sight of my hair. Too add insult to injury..my edges wont grow either so i cant even do a cute feux bun!!! The point of my comment is to let you know you are not alone!! We can get through the struggle!!! Lol! Maybe our hair just wants to do Its own thing and perhaps we should accept it and embrace the journey!!
[file]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/IMAG1239.jpg[/file]
Your gorgeous & so is your hair but you have to find acceptance in your natural hair. No one’s hair is the same so just love it for what it is.
lil sister U are gorgeous and so are your coils. I think u want to much from your hair Love it for what it gives u, confidence and strength. I’m a 4a/b and due to a bad experience with two strands while transitioning, I have a huge bald spot right in the front. I still rock my twists and wash n go’s.
Call me crazy, but I think you’re working all the hairstyles in the post. I may not have 4c hair (I’m more of a 2c with hair as light as feathers and just as messy in the slightest breeze -.-) so I don’t know if you’re looking for more definition or something, but you have the face for a shorter cut. I know it’s hard (and expensive) transitioning from anything to natural, but it’s worth the effort for that moment where you really feel confident about your hair…even if it means working it despite the ridiculous comments “helpful” people will try to give you about how you should perm it, straighten it, etc. Stay strong!
All the people talking about self hate and people over reacting about their hair shut the fuck up! This is a blog about how she feel about her hair and that’s all we fucking care about right now is our hair! If you wanna preach a movement and all that shit go start a black empowerment blog and get off the hair blogs! You preaching that its more important stuff to be dealing with than YOU go deal with it and let us worry about our hair! 😛 what the fuck you doing on a hair blog anyway? Everyone has things about themselves that they wish were better or different, it doesn’t mean they hate themselves it just means they wish they could improve themselves. And you go find a cure for AIDS/HIV, I’ll do my hair thank you very much. And to the person talking about wanting to scream if they see another person stretching their hair, who asked you to watch the damn video? That was your decision. And part of a hair journey is tracking your progress so stretching your hair to see where your length is normal. Why don’t all the righteous oh there’s better things black women should be doing haters on here go practice what they preach!!
@drsmiley, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I stopped looking at hair videos and cut down on blogs because I think that they are perpetrating just what they claim to be against. While they may not label what they showcase as “good hair” the overwhelming majority of what is displayed is hair that has a looser curl and would never be described as kinky tight coils hair. They showcase what was definitely considered “good hair” back in the day. What difference does it make whether you say good hair or 3b it’s not the hair that the majority of the women watching the video have but, it’s the hair that they are envying and trying to emulate. So they are wasting tons of money and time, getting frustrated and depressed because they don’t have nor never will have that hair. They are not learning to love, appreciate and rock the hair they have. Also, if I see another woman facing a camera stretching her hair to show it’s growth I’m going to scream. Enough already.
@I’malearning, thank you for your comment. I just feel it needed to be said. It’s just too much drama and not enough real talk. It’s not about acting holier than though it’s about speaking about real issues. Certain hair types are emulated and envied. There are not enough videos with ppl just rocking their own hair texture, shrinkage, etc. I think trying to prove you “have hair” is ridiculous. This natural hair thing is great and beautiful, however, it still doesn’t speak about who a person truly is. I am glad we were able to exchange without being belligerent. Take care sis!
Btw..this blog just branched out the tree of self hate and negativity. It would be more self less to write a more positive blog about self love and finding solutions for hair issues. It’s just plain negative. Save it for your diary. Please sisters, don’t be depressed about your hair. Find what works for you and keep it moving! We have a lot of good to do in this world. Stop wasting time on hair.
Your frustrations are understood, however, having hair be the determining factor of happiness is not only absurd, but vain and out of touch with the realities of the world. There are far many more issues to stress on and put out their in the universe…especially important issues that are affecting the black community locally and globally such as poverty, AIDS/HIV, racism, child labor, education, family structure, raising future leaders, and other important black issues. This natural hair movement-despite its supposed intentions- is a monster in creation! It is ironically doing the same thing as the weave issue- putting ppl in categories based on their hair, lame acronyms/terminology, judgmental views on hair, overly sentimental dates/ days to remember since the “big chop”, vanity, hair worshiping, etc.. Before you start again with the complaining, remember there are ppl out there with serious issues (health, financial, personal, etc.), in addition to our black counterparts all around the world. If you don’t like the way your hair is, do something about it and keep it pushing. We as black ppl need to be taken more seriously and deal with more important issues that help us progress in the future. Look at the issues of ppl around you and thank God for your life. This so called hair movement is really annoying. Never have I appreciated India Arie’s song “I Am Not My Hair” any more than now. Yes indeed, the whole weave/wig world as indirectly and direct sent messages of what is socially loved, however, it truly depends on the person inside…how they are…what they are doing for the advancement of people, etc.. Please get out of this self loathing state and out of this ironic categorization. There are more important issues on the black agenda. Perhaps my views go against the whole basis of this website, however, I just had to express myself and hopefully reach out to the sisters and brothers out there. Peace
I understand the frustration. I have about 3 different textures in my hair and I’m a lazy natural on top of that. I had to have an intervention because I was going to get another perm. Sad part is that perms never really get my hair straight. It’s still curly and I would basically have the same struggles I have now.
You look cute with your hair. We all have hair envy but thank God for what you have. It could always be worse.
My hair is thin and I’ve been growing it out since January after I cut it in January for the second time lol. I have crazy shrinkage and my hair behaves best when it’s stretched in two flat twists.
My hair dosen’t retain moisture well and is too fine and thin, yes both of them, to make me comfortable enough to really style it in anything other than flat twists. But they make me look half my age. And the front quarter of my hair is shorter than the rest of my hair so it’s a biznitch to style.
I don’t know if I hate my hair. My hair is really annoying me lately and it seems I can’t find the right blance of products to keep it mositurized and its weird because I’ve been natural for seven years and it was definitely easier during the first two years which honestly are a blur to me.
I’m going to perfect the roller set and call it a day.
Another phuccin orchid bites the dust!
Let’s make this clear, I am not judging you so please take this advice with love and the bitter sting of the truth- YOU STILL HAVE ISSUES WITH YOURSELF. I come on here looking for a true hair situation that’s maybe laced with some genetic illness that’s made beautiful hair impossible but what do I behold?! Another frustrated Black woman going through hair envy and allowing it affect her self esteem.
You need a mind reorientation girl.
You are beautiful, you are enough. This hair length obsession is still a variation of self hate because it’s usually still related to texture (which I’m impressed that you’re honest about). Loving oneself is not for the weak. You may have the perfect body and love yourself but what happens if after 3 kids, you have the worst stretch marks life ever dealt, would you now hate yourself? Geez! 4c hair AMAZING and I sometimes want it for myself until I realise- IT’S IMPOSSIBLE.
As much as I don’t want to have to tell you (because I believe you must tell yourself), you are beautiful and SO IS YOUR HAIR. I’d say, lose those horrid bows though, they are outdated and improve on your personal style. Those issues are more urgent than your gorgeous hair just doing its thing…
Colalover, how do you know that she won’t have “big hair”, are you saying that her hair is not going to grow? All of our hair grows, the key is retaining the new growth.Lets stay positive…her bone structure will go with ANY natural hair that she styles. Ariel, just keep protecting and being good to your hair and someday,you will love it.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing because as we have learned, not everyone can retain length like others. She never said if her mom or dad hair grew long? It’s genetic as well. I know people who just can’t attain length. They try for years and it stays the same and shoot there is nothing wrong with that?
What is so wrong with hair thats naturally shorter.? My hair is much looser than hers and it grows to bra strap length and that is it. I can’t griw super long hair either. My mom hair was short naturally and my father sister’s hair grew to the middle of their backs. I’m stuck somewhere in between.
I don’t think long hair looks good on everyone. Again, her features are delicate and long hair doesn’t suit her in my own opinion.
I seriously don’t get it, because I mean look at sone sistas hair thexe days! I see some sadly with bald spots so this hair looks great to me. You can tell she’s healthy and takes care of her hair.
The absolute quest for long hair, in my opinion, is over-rated. Women would be better off focusing on healthier hair. Healthy well groomed hair at any length is beautiful. There are many women who just will never have long hair and they are continuously disappointed and wasting money and time trying to achieve it. I do think that after all the other variables (cleaning, conditioning, healthy diet, exercise, sleep, etc) if your hair is not growing past a certain length, just give up and enjoy and rock what you have.
And btw, there are ladies with 3c hair that do not have “big hair” not all 3 c ppl have gorgeous curls. Trust me. I think your features are delicate, so big hair would over power your small chin and delicate features. My suggestion is to color it a unique color and visit an image consultant. A good cut and color for a delicate face is flattering.
I feel sorry for your thought process, because if you stress your hair will keep doing what it’s doing.Personally, I think you have done a great job with your natural hair. Look at Naomi Cambell’s hot mess and then talk to me. I mean there’s no coming back from Naomi Cambells horrible hair wow. I have seen some bad cases. But yours looks like it’s growing well. Your edges are nice. I think you are being too hard on yourself.
I ain’t gonna lie,you’re not going to have big hair girl, but it looks cute the way it is. You wouldn’t even look good with big hair anyway. Big hair really doesn’t go with your particular bone structure.
I am truly sorry everyone for my rude comments. I honestly was feeling at a very low point in my life at the moment and was feeling sorry for myself and wanted to vent. After speaking to my brother who is also my best friend i do feel better, but i do realize that i do have issues that i need to work on and its not gonna go away overnight. But i am gonna try and do the best i can to get better and be a healthier person mentally and not just physically.Once again, i am truly sorry for the rude and negative comments and i take full responsibility for my actions.
Yes you should be ashamed! Just kidding. Hey at least you were honest. I bet you don’t look nearly as bad as you claim. I think black women sometimes under estimate their beauty. I think you probably look better than you suggest. Drink lots of water, sit down, and calm down, because it ain’t that serious. Travel, fall in love, enjoy your life. You will be surprised how many people love you for your inner beauty and personality.
I have combination type 4 hair, and I completely understand the struggle. It can be a real challenge to work with this hair type. However, I love my hair. It is a work in progress, and I’m at the mid-length stage which is annoying, because the hair is too short to try really awesome styles, but can be too long for modified shorter styles. It truly takes patience. I will take my hair any day over unhealthy, over processed hair. Besides, with this whole natural “movement” business, we’re still learning how to take care of our hair, which has clearly, over the years, been a work of progress for the whole community. Don’t give up!
I have 4c hair and to tell you the truth i KNOW that it limits my physical beauty. the individual strands are fine so if i place my hair in a pony puff it seems short and thin. I do take care of it and try my best but it grows slowly, i feel inferior as a woman to other races as well as other naturals with thick long and beautiful hair. I HATE my hair and frankly i wish i was mixed or smething or wished that somehow my slave great grandmother was raped by her white slave master so that i could have had nice hair, but sadly i am stuck with this hay , brillow pad crap for hair and to top it all off i am dark skinned how cursed can one get ?
Wow….now I think you are kidding, right? Are you being sarcastic here?
No – that just sounds like a racist pretending to a troubled black woman. I will never understand how racists seem to find themselves on websites dedicated to people they claim to hate lol
I agree with Princess. Just some idiot posing as someone they are not..get a life
I also was astonished at your statements. I thought perhaps you were kidding. There can’t possibly be someone, a black women, filled with so much self-hate. I know that the media, our own black men and American culture has done a number on our self-esteem but to wish that your ancestors were raped – really? Blogs that perpetrate the preference for waves, looser, curls and of course light complexions are also to blame. Look at the messages our young women are receiving. I pray that you truly learn to love what so many other ethnic groups envy. You are beautiful!
Well I am mixed and I absolutely hate my hair so being mixed doesn’t mean that your hair will be nice. I feel it’s even worse for me because being mixed its assumed that your natural curls should be big and perfect but I didn’t get that. My hair has two different textures that don’t blend we’ll with one another at all. The bottom are loose but defined beautiful curls and the top is a frizzy wavy and straight combo. My roots at the top are frizzy and almost crimped while the ends go straight. My hair is only thick when I blow dry it and even when I wear it straight it’s so light and fluffy that I end up looking like a poodle that just left the groomers. When I wear it curly its so thin and any product just weighs it down drastically, I look like I have a Jerry curl 🙁 maybe in the 80’s I would’ve been hot shit but we aren’t in the 80’s! Nothing about my natural hair makes me feel sexy and its upsetting because the white products dry and frizz my hair leaving it brittle. The black products weigh down and leave my hair limp and oily and as for the mixed line, they are all over priced bullcrap that make my hair stiff and don’t do shit for my hair. So trust being mixed doesn’t mean squat. My daughter is 75% black 25% white and her hair is nicer than mine. And I have over a dozen black girlfriends who have way better textures than mine! I’ve been natural 3 years and I still hate my hair. The only reason why I’m staying natural is because the relaxers were literally making my hair break off.
What you said about wishing your grandmother was raped has hurt me- physically. I feel sick. Try not to think like that- it’s not nice… However, if you have to think it, please keep it to yourself or work it out with a therapist…
I absolutely love your post! I too jave 4c hair and shrinkage is so real! I am finally covinced that the only successful twist out I will ever see will be in the winter on dry blown out hair! It can be frustrating ro see othwr naturalistas rockin the flat twist outs, two strand twist outs, bantu knot outs, etc.
I have accepted (mostly) that my hair will not do what I need it to when it comes to wearing a twist, bantu, flat twist ANYTHING!. I do plait my hair evry night to protect it and I’ve started rolling and pinning it for something different. I dont know if you’ve heard of or tried Uncle Funky’s Daughter products but I love the curly magic gel for our hair type. I’m glad you wont give up because after a while, your hatred will turn into hair crushing, trust me. Hang in there!
Welcome to the 4c family.
Finally, someone who said what I thought the first year going natural. I’m going on 2years now. Although she is now big and beautiful, she has an attitude. My entire time of being natural, I only wore my hair free once!! Now that she is a little past CBL, she is even harder to handle. I see that combs are not my friend, forget a brush. Finger detailing….so…much…time. Good luck Sis! I heard the yoguart perm might loosen the curls a little for you…
Hey Ariel
Your hair looks super hot to me. I loved the honesty in your post. I am a 4b/c myself so ive been there too. Now Im in the awkward midsize length zone and i also suffer from shrinkage. But i finally decided to leave it alone. I dont want my hair to be my enemy. The puff is my style to go right now.
Hi sweetie, I knw exactly what you’re going through… I’ve been a going through the fight with my kinky hair for about a year now and what really helped me was coming to the realization tht all hair isn’t the same… Although those styles my look nice the just may not be feasible for my hair at the moment and maybe might work once I retain a bit more length…. Try some of those awesome twist styles, they really helped me a lot and look great on almost all lengths
Hi Ariel! Your hair is adorable! I’m a new natural like you so I’m only 3.5 months in to wearing my hair all natural. I’m still discovering the products that my hair likes but its been a fun journey experimenting and embracing my natural roots. My hair type is 4a/4c. Even tho I have curly hair, the shape of my edges really stands out, and having a TWA doesn’t help hide them. The thing is I have always been self-conscious about my edges but I decided to go natural anyway. So I had to love my whole head of hair regardless. Ariel, I’m glad you won’t give up on your hair and give in to relaxers. Here is a video of the Youtube Vlogger Jouelzy. I don’t know if you’ve stumbled upon her page yet but She is one of many naturalistas with 4c hair Rocking It Fiercely! Check her out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZX4SLu0dAsU
Great post! From reading all of these natural hair blogs, many of us think that going natural will be an easy and happy journey. I have been natural for about a year, and it has been challenging to say the least. I’m not giving up yet either!
Hi, and I feel you with what is mentioned in your blog.
I have 4 B hair type, and I totally dislike my hair – and I retain myself from saying that I actually HATE it, since I have one friend who has none…plus, I remember how it was shedding when I was perming it: it was worse.
I am thankful I am natural, but I will hide my hair until it get a length that does not show how ridiculous my hair actually is. if you think I am exaggerating:
My hair is thin
AND it is not dense (I have not much hair on my head, when I make a twist out, it looks like making a twist out on short relaxed hair)
AND it does not grow fast (ok, I cut it regularly, but it grows at a a slow rate).
Never mind – it is what god gave me, and I know, I will somewhen achieve some kind of length..
Thank you for the post
Starlette
you aint alone love, i have shitty ugly bad 4c hair and you wanna know what ille say it loud and proud, i HATE my hair and i wish i was mixed !
I’ll pray for you. So sad….
It is sad. Very true. Everyone is beautiful…God’s perfect creation…especially black people. Love yourself and know you are more than just this hair issue.
Your comment made me cry:( Im cuban/jamaican and I have 4a/b and its messy 90% of the time so being mixed has nothing to do with it. Messy hair is my signature look, messy-chic! As black people we easily fall into this self hate of I want to be light skinned with loose curls or straight hair and it breaks my heart. My cuban family members used to make fun of me because I was darker than them with more of a kinky texture hair. I was always into my African history and pride so thankfully, from a young age I recognized their ignorance and knew I was beautiful! God doesn’t make mistakes so you and your hair are beautiful.
Love you sis, may you walk everlasting protection and guidance. Bless up.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/image-4.jpg[/img]
It’s true drsmiley…our hair does not define who we are. The affect of racial discrimination on Black people is still very prominent in our society. We have been conditioned to believe our skin,hair and bodies are not unique and beautiful. Imagine if being white with perfect straight or curly hair was bad…in that case we would be the fad. The point is beauty is skin deep and people’s opinion of you do not matter. Love the skin and hair you are in…it’s yours and how unique and beautiful you are.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/IMG00964-20111204-1334.jpg[/img]
Would the author hate her hair so much if everyone in the world had hair just like hers. I think the she is still dealing with self-acceptance and hair envy. If you hate your hair which comes out of your head, there is something wrong. When I first went natural, I didn’t get it so I did re-relax my hair, but then I hated that and tried natural again when my sister did it. The second time around I got it. It’s my God given hair and no matter what I’m going to work with it….I have good hair days and bad just like everyone else, but you just roll with it because it is what it is. There are so many products to try, YouTube videos to watch and blogs to follow so I think you just need to get busy finding what works for your genetics.
Thank you! For the first time someone truly relected how I feel about my hair! I have a hate/ love relationship with it. I want so badly to love it every day. I will never go back to perm, but the natural hair journey has been difficult. As a professional woman it’s challenging to have so many ” bad hair” days, but I continue on because I think that in the long run loving my natural hair is the healtiest thing for me. We have to love ourselves and one another.
For the very few that are critical of Ariel, you should be ashamed of yourself. She was being real, true to herself and honest. I respect that and I can relate to her struggle. I have hair that is coarser and shrinks 90%. The time spent trying to maintain it takes more time than I, a full time working mother can spend. I am visiting a reputable natural hair stylist tomorrow, however, I can afford to do this. You do not know this young woman’s financial circumstances. Instead of trying to make her feel guilty for sharing her battle you do what far too many black women do best – criticize. @ Ariel, wear your hair in Senegalese and Marley twists until it grows to your satisfaction. While wearing twists or box braids message your scalp with EVCO and JCO with drops of peppermint and tea tree oil (interchangeable). Your hair will grow nice & thick. Hopefully I will receive tips on how to make my hair more manageable. If not, I’m texlaxing – My hair, my dime, my business. As for you, you are a beautiful young lady. No matter what you decide to do with your hair you will remain beautiful. That’s the beauty of Black women. We can rock our hair anyway we please. Just give it time and I’m sure you will make the right decision. Some of the very same people criticizing you are pretending to protect their hair by wearing Asian’s peoples silky long hair as “protective” weaves and extensions. Let’s keep it real. Love ya!
I hear you – i got the same hair! It started off great i was so excited – ignorant but excited all the same. At 2 1/2 yrs the growth began to slow and the knots kicked in …. so many knots – it was a knot a day! plus i could see i was never gonna be able to use curly merig.. thingy or do those fancy bantu knots cos hair is so tight – unless i blew it out of course then maybe i would stand a chance!
Also i became obsessive with blow drying – i had to do it every time i washed my hair – and it began to take its toil! little bits of hair at the back began to break away….
Well this year i gave in and tex lax – and its the best thing i ever done! the coils are looser, theres less knots, i can wash n go! its great! my sister who has tighter hair than mine tex lax this month too and is over the moon!
While some would say – hey your not natural anymore once you use chemicals! I would disagree because i still get a shout out in the street – about how great my hair looks! Texturizing takes away the coily, napp but the overall look is as before – very natural but less of the kink! i’m happy anyway!.
The 3c/4a girls don’t have tight coils to deal with and length retention is so much easier… and you don’t have to blow it out if u dont want…
I personally had enough of 4c hair – i believe 3 yrs is enough for me to make an informed decision on my hair! But if your struggling and things don’t look too good… just tex lax is sooooo much easier and you get out to work on time too!!
Givenup, would you please provide information as to how you went about getting a tex lax? Did you do it yourself? What product did you use and how long did you leave it in your hair? I’m about to take the same route if my adventure at a Naturalista hair stylist does not work out. I need info if you don’t mind sharing. As for those that state that you are no longer natural. Oh well! Some need to just worry about their hair and all that fake or Asian hair that they are weaving and braiding in their hair. Other’s need to be thankful that they have passed the learning curve of successfully keeping their hair healthy and beautiful without spending hundreds of dollars and an inordinate amount of time grooming. I say more power to you and I love and will continue to love you and your hair. I admire beautiful 4C hair each and everyday. If I could just get my 4D-G hair to cooperate, I’d love my hair also. Right now – I’m not feeling it.
people needs to start accepting themselves and you have to. It’s mandatory.
I used to hate my hair, still do a little bit because I don’t know what to do with it. MY hair is past my shoulder and I still don’t know what to do with it. I cut off my air in 2010, I transition for a whole year and then I just started to really know how to care for my hair this year. It’s a journey and everyday I am learning new about what works for my hair.
Your hair is beautiful and so are you.
I was struggling with my socalled 4c hair that does not hold a visable curl pattern. I accept i will not have curly or wavey hair without a chemical treatment. My hair is tightly coiled and shrinks back toward my scalp. Thankfully with more length i can get it into any shape i want. Just not euro curly or wavey. And im alright with that now.
I like the lady’s hair and I honestly love my natural hair. I have found the right regimen and it’s not expensive, actually simple. It’s so carefree for me and I thank God that I haven’t had the frustration regarding my hair.
I applaud you having the courage to say what so many of us were thinking but were afraid to say. There are a lot of ‘you betta love yourself or else’ police lurking around.I understand what you are talking about and felt the same way you do. I big chopped 15 years ago before it was cool, before youtube, and before the blogs (which i love love love!). In some ways, although I was alone, it was better then because there were less expectations about what you could and should be able to do with kinky natural hair. I have a beautiful 4c/d hair and I get stopped regularly to ask where I get my hair done…but that took time…alot of time, alot of tears, and alot of ‘i’m not going to give up’ to get where I am today with my hair. Truth: There was/is still alot of negativity with regard to this particular hair type — in my personal experience, whether we want to admit it or not, it exists. You, however, seem to be on a strong path that will lead you to strong and positive growth with yourself and your hair in relation to what society says and thinks about people who look like you do (you and your hair are beautiful btw). I was a poor collage student when I cut my hair so I had to experiment and learn on my own…learning how to do two strand twists quickly is a life saver– literally (no sundays off- lol). If you are flush…get thee to a professional and skip some learning steps/errors. Blessing to you and your journey.
Why why why do we still carry over the same negative mindset to being natural. Part of my hair transition from relaxers is to accept myself as I was made and accepting that I was fearfully and wonderfully made from the roota to the toota :~). There’s so many reasons lurking behind why we see ourselves in a certain way(both negative & positive). If I express my fears and difficulties I really don’t expect a fellow Sis. to pounce on me and dismiss how I feel. In essence it’s not about correcting someone, however it is about the grace in which the correcting is done. Feedback is necessary for educating someone on a different way of viewing a particular thing and as a recipient we must be open to receive it…just dont forget to do it in love. I relish the feedback from other beautiful black natural women no matter their hair type. This is where I find some of my strength to continue this daunting endeavour. Let’s not forget who we are to each other and to society. :~)
Ariel you are beautiful! I’ve been transitioning for nearly a year now and while my hair is healthier, its just as much work as it was when I was relaxing. But I decided to transition because my relaxed hair was beginning to thin and was bone dry and brittle and I just couldn’t deny how horrible it looked any longer! So yes, my natural hair required my going to school to learn an entirely new regimen, but my hair is healthy looking and better for it. So I am excited because that was my motivation for going natural. That does not mean the transition has not been a roller coaster and that I have not had my “I just want to cut it all off!” days! there was a point made in an earlier posting that I wish to repeat to you – why have you decided to go natural? If you are not sure why, perhaps now is not the time. Relax for now if that makes you happier and give your self the time to answer that question and address any of the other internal struggles that could be affecting your self esteem. Those issues will affect so many issues in your life, your hair journey being only one of them. Honey you are so beautiful but it sounds like you are deciding at the age of 20 to fall on the sword for something that should be and can be your crown and glory!
I’m not mad at this woman for admitting/confessing her feelings toward her hair. She’s being more honest than some people will (come on, we know there are those who are in denial about hating their hair texture/appearance even though they would NEVER be caught in public without a twist out). With her recognizing her issues and being able to admit it, I think that eventually she will grow to like or at least accept her hair texture/pattern.
WOW! I think your hair is beautiful. I do understand the “struggle”…I am shedding and don’t know exactly why :(….it’s been a year and a month and I want this long flow-like-a-river hair! I am a bit “older” starting this journey and each stage is extremely challenging. I seriously think when I added that permanent black died to my hair, it reacted badly and my hair has “told” me so.
We have to work with what we are blessed with: good, bad, or indifferent. Some people are bald or have hair and scalp issues or worse. Some are still hiding under the weave, chasing the cream crack, or braid city–yes, I respect her choice. I have to remind myself the reasons WHY I went natural anyway especially on the days when I want to cry, scream, and give up. I don’t want to chase the 6-8 weeks bi-monthly relaxer routine again. It is a struggle but one day it will pay off. We/I deal with major shrinkage too. Again your hair so so beautiful have a HHJ #haircrush
Sounds like you should loc your hair.
“You know the girls you see in the Miss Jessie’s and Shea Moisture ads, the ones with big smiles as tons of bushy curls come falling down around their faces? Or how about the dark chocolate girl whose perfect white teeth beam up at you from the magazine ad as she rocks a thick kinky type 4 afro? Yea those girls… they are not me”. Yes, you are! And your pictures are proof of it!
Go to a natural hairstylist. I don’t understand why people feel like just because they let their perm grow out, they don’t have to go to a professional. I’ll admit I was like that at one point, but finding a natural hair care professional was one of the best things I’ve ever done for my hair. Everyone is not meant to rock a huge fluffy fro. Learn to work with what you have. There are solutions other than braids (I had to learn this the hard way) and blow outs.
Hi!
I can Understand how you feel since i have similiar hair,but i didnt do a big chop,so i have some lenght.
Back when i was a Teen and had Short natural hair, i Would just Wear it in box braids all the Time,so i didnt have to worry about Styling it and this Way i felt more feminine.
So i Would say: just Keep your hair in box braids or senegalese/Havanna Twists or Even a weave until it reaches a more manageable lenght.
This Way you can get your mind Off your hair, feel more feminine, but at the Same Time Keep your chemical Free. Good luck! 🙂
You need a hair cut for your hair type and face. You need to find the best curly hair cutting person in your area. NO matter what the cost and get a hair cut that works with your hair type. It will change your life!
i was under the impression she’s trying to grow her hair long…unless i be mistaken.
Girlie all I would say is that you are embarking on a new stage in your life – accepting yourself. Its damn hard at times as you are finding, but give it some time and you will be on the other side of the fence and feeling better for it 🙂
You and your hair are beautiful! I can see it, its just for you to realise it too. Maybe take a break from youtube and cool down on the blogs, because as much as we are all trying to help with our opinions and tips – we are all individuals, with different hair and have different opinions. This can be really confusing for someone just starting out. In all honesty the only opinion that matters in this case is you. YOU will have to LEARN how YOUR hair likes to be treated and how to LOVE YOURSELF ENTIRELY – those will be your FACTS and no one can tell you shit after that 🙂
All the best and enjoy your journey x
I posted this on her blog :
Hello.
I wanted to comment here because believe me we are in the exact same situation. I have 4C hair, and no you are not alone. I’m glad that someone speaks about this.
Perhap’s the difference between you and I is that I’ve relaxed them only twice in my life and for the rest of my life until one year ago I mostly wore box braids etc but never totally natural. Box braids on the long run weaken my hair (definitely not as much as a relaxer : I’ve lost half my hair 6 or 7 years ago because of it).
Anyway, yes about the struggling part. How many times did I cry, how many times did I feel depressed about my hair. It’s so closely linked to feminity, and when the female role models with our type of haire don’t exist, it is so hard to believe in our hair.
I said there is a difference between you and I because of how long I’ve had my hair not-relaxed because for example, I instinctively know that Wash & Go’s don’t work for my type of hair, it really won’t. But like you, I tried a few hairstyles that many natural hair girls with loose curls do and it doesn’t work.
Now let’s try to find explanations and solutions for our struggle together.
1) Why do we hate our hair?
a) Role models
As I already said, we do not have many role models ESP around us with our type of hair that are proud of it. The more kinky is the hair, the more poeple tend to relax it. My mother, my aunts, my friends do not wear natural hair. Fortunately I had a mother who tried, although she doesn’t know much about natural hair as she started relaxing it a very long time ago, to make me appreciate my hair, and to learn how to take care of it although no one would teach me how to do. It didn’t prevent me from hating my hair, self-hating as well because of course I used to compare myself to all the little white girl’s hair that were straight. As I said, the role models are so few, that a single woman’s influence definitely can’t fight with the big society that opresses us : Yes I said it because all this hate definitely results from opression.
Yes, we feel lost in our struggle, lonely as many poeple can’t help us.
b) The texture
Here is something that can actually evolve : appreciating your texture of hair. With this whole natural hair movement, I have difficulty to identify myself because the most famous hair bloggers and even on BGLH, most of the beautiful hair that are introduced to us are loose curls or a pattern to which it is easier to form curls. The thing is, when you stopped comparing yourself to white little girls, you start comparing yourself to mixed afro hair with loose curl patterns.
Let me reveal you something that needs to change in your (and I)’s mindset : Our Hair Are Not Made For Curls. I reapeat : Our Hair Are Not Made For Curls. The blogger Cipriana on youtube explains it very well when she talks about her hair : she stopped trying to copy curls’ patterns when she understood it. We need to stop looking for it and find beauty in hair that doesn’t need curl.
You talked about how you wished you had such and such afro. If you have the same hair type than mine, you would perhap’s notice that our hair are damaged with afro styles. Afro styles were popularized in the 70?s, but were never natural styles for afro hair especially 4C type. To me, afro really isn’t for me mosturized or not. It tangles my hair like crazy, and I lose so much hair because of it.
Now, I think it’s time for you and I to look closely to our texture, our natural texture. Notice how pretty it can be when mosturized. If you try without comparing yourself to others, I think you can appreciate it.
1. What to do to satisfy us?
a) Change our mindset
We need more knowledge about what we can do and can not do with our hair, what are the possibilities that can satisfy us and I think we need to stop trying to make our hairstyles look like straight or curly hairstyles… because it doesn’t work on our hair. And that’s the most difficult as I see that having your natural texture and accept it is something that is still rarely done among the natural hair community on the internet in my opinion, except when the girls have natural curls. The products that are sold like “Get curls with our curly gel!” prove it. And it’s esp difficult for our type of hair that won’t work with it. Why does it work with everyone except me? We need to change completely our mindset about our hair. We need to adapt to our hair not let the rest control how it should and shouldn’t be even if this control is not explicit.
c) Which hair style for our hair?
That’s the biggest question. I wish there had a blog like BGLH but only for our type of hair. I have so much struggle finding how to style my hair and maintain my length AND satisfy me. Here are a few things that I learned :
– Afro-puff or afro style, curls-copying (?), wash and Go’s are not for my hair.
– Something extremely important : Water + our hair = Love/hate relationship. Basically water makes our hair shrink as HELL because it’s just how it works. It tangles them. Leave out conditionner WON’T work because as soon as our hair touches water nothing you put in and rinse out will work in my experience. All the bloggers advising to wet your hair before styling it (esp if it is completely wet) really are not doing it for our type of hair. Well-nourished hair + dried hair = good to show length. Moisturized hair + a lil bit wet = good for protective styling.
– Protective styling is what works the best, really. Especially the smaller is the braid/etc the better it is. It has to be protective styled from the roots to the ends for our type of hair. It lets my hair grow without needing to take care of it with water (very important!) and makes us manipulate it less than with any other styles which maintains length.
But here is the problem : how can we accept that protective styling is probably the best choice for our hair? To me it’s limited,and most of the time I dislike most protective styles that are introduced on the internet. I can’t appreciate the texture for my hair and the worst : I can’t appreciate its length. This is where I’m totally trapped. Nowadays what annoys me the most is that when I do braids with my natural hair it looks dried and doesn’t show my length the way I would love them to. I end up trying to hide them. I find it really ugly. So yesterday for the first time I blow dried my hair before doing my braids and I prefer them like that. Although it also frogets to show me some kind of volume if you see what I mean. Now the fear of being addicted to blow dryers like you explained also haunts me. I feel like I can’t escape it if I want to be satisfied with my hair.
My goal is to make more and more protective styles until I am satisfied with my hair’s length and health (which for me is the most difficult thing to maintain) and then alternate between non-protective styling (without copying any curls nor doing afro, just doing a few braids and styling them prettily) and protective styles.
My dream is to have long natural braids that work the way box braids work. But I fear I won’t reach this goal so I feel trapped again. That’s why I wished there was a site only for for example… Protextive styles and 4C hair types because i don’t find things to help with our struggle on the internet, only girls whose hair make me jealous.
Thanks for posting your sincere thoughts as we are definitely not alone now.
I think the reason why you struggle with your hair is because you are so hung up over the “hair type”. Every paragraph is about you complaining about your hair type. What do you mean that BGLH doesn’t showcase 4c hair? Girl… please.
There are hair techniques that transcend all “hair types”. Stop crying because you have some nappy hair. Just style it and be happy with what you have. Work what you have to its greatest extent. Clearly, the mindset that your hair is worthless begins with you. I have 4c hair and I get nothing but love from people around me. But that is because I rock my hair with confidence. Stop crying about your 4c naps please.
I concur, all this whining about BGLH not showcasing 4c hair is ridiculous I see 4c hair on here every day at least. . It’s good that you admitted your problem though.
WOW! I think your hair is beautiful. I do understand the “struggle”…I am shedding and don’t know exactly why :(….it’s been a year and a month and I want this long flow-like-a-river hair! I am a bit “older” starting this journey and each stage is extremely challenging. I seriously think when I added that permanent black died to my hair, it reacted badly and my hair has “told” me so.
We have to work with what we are blessed with: good, bad, or indifferent. Some people are bald or have hair and scalp issues or worse. Some are still hiding under the weave, chasing the cream crack, or braid city–yes, I respect her choice. I have to remind myself the reasons WHY I went natural anyway especially on the days when I want to cry, scream, and give up. I don’t want to chase the 6-8 weeks bi-monthly relaxer routine again. It is a struggle but one day it will pay off. We/I deal with major shrinkage too. Again your hair so so beautiful have a HHJ #haircrush
Thanks that’s exactly like that you’ll help poeple.
*sarcasm*
I so hate poeple like you who shame others that have difficulty to accept themselves. Who are you to talk to me that way?
Seriously why did you bother answering me for speaking out so stupidly.
Lol I’m stupid because I grew tired of you complaining about 4c hair? Ok. In the end, grow up and listen to your hair, or get a perm. There comes a point where people like you are just complaining about the very nature of your hair. Why? Get a perm already.
It’s clear that you don’t want to take the time and effort to learn about your hair. However, you blame the texture and curl of your hair rather than yourself. There are plenty of 4c women (ESPECIALLY on BGLH) who work their hair to perfection. There is absolutely no excuse in the age of the internet.
Yes you are. Stupid and lacks of empathy, can’t OBV understand whatever is behind this hatred so you decide to ridiculously attack us for your own ignorance.
Your response is in no way helpful or uplifting. Yes, the “grow up and get over it” vitriol you hurled at the author may have worked for you but obviously, she’s still a work in progress. Your comments do not help elevate this discourse and are the opposite of everything BGLH stands for. We’re here to help each other through, especially in a world that doesn’t get it…speak with love!
So true: Cipriana does those loose twists and she achieves volume AND length. She also doesn’t seem to wash her hair as much as the girl in the article.
I found this video and I think we all should watch it!
I am glad you shared this story. It was honest and uplifting at the same time! I too went through a period of hair hatred. With all form of self hatred, it comes from being told that what you have is not acceptable. Ironically, this is told to us by people who usually hate themselves reflected in others.
I grew up with the ugliness of being told my hair was too short, my teeth too gapped and my face to black. Yet, when I was around people who didn’t care how I looked the same ugly people told me I wasn’t black enough. It was a confusing message that I never understood. When I left high school and decided to cut my hair and grow it out naturally, I was terrified of what was going to grow out. I never even walked around the house with natural hair. However, when I realized natural was the way I wanted to live, I had to fall in love with what God gave me. It was the most liberating feeling not being held to anyone’s standard of what was acceptable and beautiful. When I learned how to work my natural texture, I discovered extra time to do the things I liked to do like run, dance and walk in the rain with out fearing that Damon in the 7th grade was going to make fun of my nappy head when I got out of the pool! I no longer wanted for spiral curls that the other girls had. I was being me! All of Me. That is when my hair began to flourish. I hope that one day you too will feel the freedom it is to be truly natural. Peace and love on your journey!
Your hair is beautiful. First of all you need not stress about texture. Being natural is about promoting healthy hair/ healthy scalp/ healthy growth. One thing I taught myself was to admire natural hair but avoid natural hair envy. It doesn’t matter how much you hair type, your hair texture will never be the same as other black women. Hair is dna (obviously). Hair typing should be used as a guide for a healthy way to take care of hair not a permanent system written in stone that causes curl envy. I can tell you from my own experience that it takes a while to become accustomed to your hair. You need to do research. More than just youtube videos. Create a journal, create a REGIMEN (methods that work for healthy hair)for yourself, avoid excess heat, avoid curl junkism and heavy manipulation on your hair. Focus on moisture and being gentle. Trim ends every 4-6 months.
The problem with certain natural hair advertisers is that they spend so much time on how to create curls rather than how to love and work with what you have. This whole curl obsession is ridiculous. Its just another version of straight hair obsession, i.e. “you must have this hair type to be beautiful” nonsense.
You struggle with your hair because you also have this mindset that your hair MUST be like others or that you have to have “curls” for you to like your hair. Your hair is still growing. Give it time. Be patient. The first few steps of entering the natural world involves frustration. Nothing comes easy. Trust me. =)
I’ve struggled similarly. All of my relatives have smooth 3C/4A hair and mine seems to have no definition. Everyone says my hair is beautiful but I’ve really struggled to see it. I’ve been wearing my hair in braids/wigs for a year and a half…I have a ton of hair growth but I just don’t know what to do with it. My hair doesn’t seem to hold the curl/twist/braided styles that everyone else seems to achieve with such ease! ^^^^ FRUSTRATED
It’s too bad you hate you hair, but kudos on keeping with it 🙂 I think though, you might feel better about it if you didn’t have certain expectations of it. It can be tough to come to terms with the things your hair won’t do that you wish it would do. For instance, my curl pattern is loose and my hair is on the thinner side, so no twists/twist outs for me. But I love very short haircuts and I like to watch my hair grow and evolve from a big chop. Maybe you could try a very short cut, or if you’d rather not cut it, maybe consider locs–it sounds like your hair is perfectly suited for them. Whatever you decide, try to learn to love it and embrace it for what it is 🙂
I have waist length hair with about 4 different textures several of those in the 4. Now there are times lets say once a month that my hair annoys me, but if you have regally “hated” your hair…there is a problem there. And it may not be the hair. My hair takes me forever to do anything to it, wash day is at least 8 hours and my hair won’t air dry for at least 3 days. All that aside, I don’t “hate” my hair, learn that your hair will not likely ever looks like those in the mags…and be OKAY with that. Also I think if your hair is not down your back after 4 years you are handling your hair wrong, stop putting “tiny” anything in 4 type hair on a regular 4 type hair tangles VERY easily yet is VERY fragile so you are probably loosing hair thickness and length, every time you take down your hair. 4 type hair responds best to doing “as little as possible with it” do med twists or braids and just lets them be, you can roll them on rollers, braid them to make crinkles or tuck them to make updo’s but you should be doing things that last 3 to 4 weeks and not all the time adding hair. Though weaves and med size braids can help but only when your hair is healthy. Good luck but so many folks have jumped on this natural band wagon with out THINKING about it first. If you going natural why do HAVE to have hair still look permed, smooth curls, straight edges etc…you have to be mentally ready or have ALREADY high self esteem, some can /will look like the ads, many won’t, ALL should be proud of their hair
this is great advice and insight ambi esp what you say at the bottom
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/photo2.jpg[/img]
What a refreshing read! You are definitely stating what so many naturals feel on a daily basis but don’t discuss publicly. As a natural for over 12 years I still struggle with these issues. No matter what length of time we spend embracing our natural texture and beauty, we are still fighting against a lifetime of internalized self hatred as a result of our history and socialization. Your statement that ” it’s not about the fad, it’s about being free from a bond to a conformist habit” is awesome, but you (and all of us) must be both patient and compassionate with ourselves. We must understand that the process of finding acceptance and beauty in a part of ourselves that we’ve been taught over the course of generations to hide, mutilate, and despise, will take time. There is no easily solution for this problem. Our love/hate relationship with our hair only reflects a deeper conflict we have with our identity as women of African descent in America. No matter what you decide to do with your hair, I encourage you to surround yourself with images that reinforce your own beauty; to work daily to redefine beauty for yourself by analyzing where your current notions of beauty stem from; and to above all practice self love and affirmation. God bless and I look forward to reading more from you.
I appreciate and enjoyed your brutally honest editorial. You may want to try “singles” as opposed to “invisible” braids until you receive a more manageable length. You will experience less breakage and shedding. Twist/Braid outs look very nice on 4c hair. Good Luck to you!
Let’s support eachother ladies!!!
I have never hated my hair since being natural (I hated it permed) but I have definitely had my moments. I tell people all the time, give yourself a break – it’s a process. Being one way all your life and suddenly going left is NOT easy for anyone. Time heals, I swear.
My hair is super fine, 4b/c/ish super coily, tangles easily, breaks easy, all of that! I can relate. I protective styled – sort of a “transition” for 2 years to let it grow. The length created more maintanance yes, but it also created more weight, “hang time”, more shape and more body. It takes time! MUCH MUCH more time for us 4c’s. I sense your dislike is based on lack of length retention and shrinkage more than the curls or lack of curls themselves. I know it’s hard, but focus on not trying to force it to do what it doesn’t. All that manipulation, heat, pulling and tugging is what set me back. Don’t do what I did! I damaged my hair but trying to make it behave too soon, not long into my journey. Just let it be, and if it rebels oh well. If you can’t deal, consider doing a weave to give yourself a rest. No shame in that. Again, time heals. Give yourself time. Good luck and much love. It was very brave of you to say what you did. It’s not all flowers and wash-n-go’s for us 4c ladies. But in time, it will grow and thrive and you WILL fall in love :0)
Stop buying into all that 1-2-3-4 a-b-c-d BS. Most of y’all don’t even know what your “REAL” “Natural” hair feels like, if you ever did. Btw: hair does not “rebel” is not “bad” and does not need to “behave!”
LOL. oh ok angry mouse. : It really saddens me how people on this blog can take a positive comment (wasn’t it?) and turn it into some negative BS. Just stop it. Did you not read my comment? Or should I ask, did you not COMPTEHEND it? I agree, our hair does not need to behave – DUH!! – that’s what I’m tellin her – Let it do what it does. And I hate hair typing but when you say 4c, you reach who you need to reach. UGH!! Every time I come on this site I get attacked by idiots. SMH!!!
she’s just being preachy; i thought your comment was very encouraging.
idk bout you but mine needs to, in order for us to cohabit in peace.
So…I know I am going to get it about this advice. I think you should try just for me texture softener. If you put it in for about 5 minutes it helps dramatically. I do this about twice a year and I only apply to the new growth. I still have my curl pattern, but my hair is easier to maintain. There is also a little less shrinkage. Hair should be enjoyable and fun in my opinion, not the bane of your existence.
This kind of “texturizing” — i.e., “relaxing” but not to the point of flimsiness — does actually work really well. Better yet, what y’all are calling a “big chop” is best. Get rid of the permanently straightened hair and let your natural hair grow out. Have a very short ‘fro and introduce yourself to your own hair again!
Hi Ariel, I really enjoyed reading your article. It is sad that you hate your hair. I have made may attempts to go natural and this time I think I am on my way. I do not intent to do a big chop – just protective styles.
Have you every tried the Bantu Knots? I love the waves that I get with the twists out of these knots.
One of my concerns about going natural is what I am going to do when I go the beach. I like to go beaching on a regular basis so if I styled my hair the night before and go to the beach in the evening, I will have to wash and style in the night. Plus my hair takes some time to dry. Anyway Ariel I do hope you decided to continue on your natural hair journey and eventually love your hair.
If you are truly natural then going to the beach is the least of your worries! It is there and then that you find out that your natural hair makes your life easier, not harder. I’ve been natural one style or another for most of my life, thank Goddess, and the thing that changed my life and made me cry was (1) permanent on my hair and another time (2) fake hair, extensions.
Pathetic. The fact that you actually know the scale of 4whatever to “grade” your hair is truly sad. You should just keep the so-called “invisible” braids and be happy. You are not ready for your own natural self. Maybe some other time in your life……God bless you.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/NinaSimone_Sleeve.jpg[/img]
What’s truly pathetic is your self righteous attitude. You need God’s blessing more than she does.
LOL @ CheBreal…trying to cap off that mean post with a “God Bless You”. God was nowhere in that mean comment, smh.
I have thin, 4c hair that shrinks and tangles easily. I’ve found that wearing my (past shoulder length when stretched, twa product -free) in a puff gives the illusion of full voluminous hair. I simply moisturize with water, seal with olive oil, make a puff with a small headband and voila –soft, shiny, coiled puff. I know my tresses will never flow like the YouTube sisters, but I love my hair regardless.
Its like she’s in my head. If you don’t have hair like this you will never understand. No one ever says boy I wish I had 4C hair. Its a challenge and its a labor of love and takes time to accept it..if ever. I love my hair but not how dry and difficult it is. I don’t love spending hours styling it to only have it puff up in 15 minutes. If you not everyone is comfortable with a fro.
There are some women with looser curl patterns who envy “type 4” hair. Believe me. I have heard things from “I hate how my hair won’t hold twists”, “I hate how braided extensions slide out of my hair”, etc…
Sometimes I hate my hair,rarely I like it.My hair has 3c in the front and back,4a on the sides with a little 4b and 4c in the middle.My hair is still short but you already know I like the 3c the best because its loose+curls and when my hair gets longer the 4a will become looser as well and might even blend with my 3c.Now the 4c I can make that look 4a with conditioner and clumping it so in the future I probably won’t hate my hair as much.
If being completely natural is not working for you (and it seems as if it is not), then it is time to research other alternatives.:
you can try:
locing your hair
protective styles
heat training
or even textlaxing.
you can not continue to do the same things with your hair and expect a different outcome. And you certainly can not continue to cry every day about your hair. Life is to short.
If a relaxed girl said she hated her hair we would tell her to go natural; so if a natural girl said she hated her hair, why can’t we support her in transitioning back to relaxed hair (or hair that is not 100% natural, such as heatrained or textlaxed hair)
+1
As my name states, I have that type 4c hair that cannot be mishandled any kind of way. It is very dry and I have yet to find a DC that does something other than disappoint. Being natural isn’t supposed to be a super difficult experience. I used to wash my hair loose, spend an hour blow drying, then another hour flat ironing and I really disliked it. But here are some things that have helped me in the last 2-3 years to care for my hair:
1. It is a must to wash and condition in sections. This makes styling and detangling less annoying. My hair is a shrinker: shrinks when wet and continues to shrink as it is drying. My hair is almost BSL and it will shrink up to my ears and crunch if I let it.
2. Use a conditioner with LOTS of slip to detangle. I have found that HEHH works best as a detangler when my hair is dry and stretched from previous styles.
3. Wide tooth comb. I don’t use my knock-off Denman unless I really care about having smooth twists or twist outs (which is almost never).
4. A good leave in or moisturizer that can double as both (I like Koils By Nature’s leave in and QB’s Amla and Olive Heavy Cream)
5. If you insist on using heat to straighten, then DC, use a leave in WITHOUT glycerin (maybe a liquid kind instead of creamy), and use a heat protectant. I don’t use QB on my hair after I’ve straightened it or it will frizz, I just use coconut oil since that can penetrate the hair.
6. Protective style in twists, braids, etc. These don’t have to be difficult; peruse YouTube or Facebook groups or this site for inspiration. The less time I have to deal with my hair, the more time I can spend on things that matter.
This post was long but I hope it helped someone.
Go to Jouelzy on YT. She has 4c hair and has videos on what is 4c and how to maintain it.
I know our hair is very high maintenance, but if you truly feel miserable for the past 4 years of you being natural, then I’ll say get a relaxer, yes I just said that. Or wear weaves and extensions if you must. I have seen healthy looking long relaxed hair before. So go for it. I read that you are also a beauty activist, you can still continue that. Hair is not the only struggle women and girls go through. Good Luck to you. 🙂
Girl, there is nothing wrong with your hair! You just haven’t truly accepted its natural state. Stop comparing your hair to others and just focus on YOU. Your texture, your moisture needs, and styling/ detangling needs. This is said with love from an older sis to a younger one. Good luck!
https://myafrolifestyle.blogspot.com
I would love to get your help and tips on my journey, thank you
I know how you feel girl!! Our hair is a lot of wok but when you find a regimen that works for you you learn to embrace it. I will big chop my hair today to start my journey on growing out my natural hair. Wish me good luck 🙂
I have 3c hair so I can’t totally understand your experience, but I’ve got to tell you, you will feel so much better when you A) stop obsessing over length and B) stop worrying about a curl pattern. Love your shrinkage—it is beautiful! Kinky, coily zig-zags deserve just as much love as ringlets. You don’t have to adhere to a Eurocentric beauty standard just to be photographed. Your hair is awesome however it grows out of your head—you don’t have to “do” your hair to make it something it’s not. You are fabulous.
Good luck!
I love the pics of you in your afros! You will be fine. Its just a moment of clarity for you — we all feel the same way sometimes… BUT I would add — in about 3 years you will feel much better and more accepting of your hair!! I started naturally wearing my hair in 2000/2001 and there wasn’t alot of what is available now – products, styles, youtube, not much in the way of support. I did get a relaxer thinking that I needed to fit in when looking for a job in 2006. the worst!…I was all over the place after that, cutting it short, and weaves were my best friend and finally after a bad rinse out of a relaxer and my hair started falling out did I then realize…this isn’t for me. It has taken alot but I’m doing this again and I have decided I’m in it for the long haul. As you get older, you will appreciate this stage. Just go with the flow and just roll with it. You look fabulous – confidence is key! Hold ya head high Sista!!
First of all your hair really doesn’t look bad!
And second of all in my transitioning stages I was convinced I had 4z hair. I cried before finding the courage to wear it out. NOTHING made my hair look nice so I hid it under a wig for three months at a time and spraying it with a moisturiser to stop it from getting dry.
A year later, when it reached a decent length, everything changed.
I really started to fall in love and after experimenting I found shea butter, water and an oil are the only things my hair needs. I also discovered that my hair was actually a looser texture than I thought though it lacks shine and that heat damage from blow drying actually killed the curl of a few strands. Not pretty.
I’m hoping that my experience will be the same for you. Sometimes there’s a certain length that will make you feel a lot more content and will make styling easier and sometimes it really just takes time.
Believe me I have been there and I respect you for having the strength of mind to not give up.
so what if she gets there and her hair is not looser?
So what if it’s not looser? Did you ignore the rest of what I wrote? My whole point is that sometimes you have to be patient. Sometimes it’s the length that is hard to deal with and not the hair itself. I felt exactly the same way she felt and my feelings changed.
Oh my. I have the same hair texture and even on my most frustrated days I have never felt that I HATED my hair. I think your feelings are infact genuine though. But since we are being honest and stuff I’m gonna keep it real too. I think naturals such as yourself simply suck at hair PERIOD. You want seemingly easy hair care and the ability to do what everyone else is doing to be doing style wise to be handed to you on a silver platter. It ain’t gonna happen. All those youtubers and bloggers put in the work to have great hair and you are going to have to do the same. There are 3 things that make 4c hair difficult in the beginning and they all can be adjusted attitude wise. Shirnkage, detangling and its over all happiness(kinkiness for those who hate this term). All three factors are not going anywhere. Your goal should be to find techniques that allow you to maniuplate shirnkage when you want or don’t want it, a good wayvto detangle that suits you individually and the most challaging of all get over trying to make your hair look less nappy. Bouncy curls can be had with curl formers n such but they fun imitations not your reality. Kinky, highly textured hair is most beautiful when it is left to do what it does naturally. Please enjoy your hair. Wigs n weaves are options not something to hide behind.
Well, *sigh* as a fellow 4c natural, I didn’t like my hair either at first because I actually thought my hair would be in the 3 type – manageable, easy to comb through, curl up with water! Side eye – nobody in my family has 3 type and everybody has a relaxer because they feel their hair is too “kinky”. So I didn’t know what to expect. Well, fast forward a year, I hate twist outs because my hair will fluff into a fro in 3-4hrs time no matter what product or method I use. I hate wearing my hair out because it gets tangled. Just as Jesse mentioned, I know my hair will shrink and tangle. And too much of that can cause breakage. You just have to get comfortable about it and learn that there are some things you will not be to do.
I’ve accepted my 4c hair as it is. Though we have our days, I still love it and will never ever go back to a relaxer. What works for me? Protective styling. I wear two strand twists 99% of the time. Girl, even the twists shrink up, but hey, I can’t ask for no more than what I’m given!! It takes me about 2-3 hours of twisting medium size twists in my hair and I wear them & style them for 3 weeks tops. On wash day, I attempt a twist out everytime. I know it won’t work, but a girl can dream right? Plus, I’m about to wash it that night anyway. I spray moisturize daily and twist with Shea Moisture products. It works for me and I see lots of growth. I get lots of love when I attempt my twist out (unbelievable) or when my fro is out. But lighten up Ariel and don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a very pretty girl and you’ll find your way through. You’ll find what works best for you, but it starts with accepting and loving your hair for what it is – YOURS.
hey hun, feel the same way about my type 4 hair but like you I can’t give up and go back to perm. I have that same shrinkage problem, but I found a remedy for it, I use cholesterol as my conditioner, I don’t use shampoo on my hair ans as soon as am done washing I de tangle and twist my damp hair with Shea butter and castor oil (I don’t use none of those name brand products on my hair they just don’t work), tie my hair in a T-shirt and allow it to dry then I take down the twist and style as desired. be careful not to put any water on your hair when styling because that is a whole different ball game.
Finally some honesty! Thank u
Keep Calm and Train your hair, the invisible braids are a great go to but they do not allow you to train your hair, my advice is to forgo the heat, and as painful as this next sentence may be for you and the Natural Hair Overseers, it may really help! Get a Brush! If you are in it to win it and would not like to give up, get a brush, section your beautiful mane off in 4 sections EACH and EVERY NIGHT and brush it 100 strokes per section. Once you are done brushing, plait each section and cover and sleep! Repeat this Each and Every Night and you will train your hair to be what you desire. We have to keep our expectations in line with reality, i have six different hair patterns on my head, i don’t get into all the 4c 6b 1a3 twice removed, but i have the outskirts of a Reservation on the sides of my crown, the top is literally see through and the BACK oh the back is the bowels of Afrika, i am talking the tribe that has yet to be found and to top that off I am getting boat loads of gray that simply will not cooperate AT ALL. I see styles, i try them some work some don’t but rarely do they EVER look like the pic or the tutorial, i accept that, and rock it like i like it. One time my son said it looked like my hair had been in a storm (he’s 4) And i thought i was looking good chile! Its trial and error! Brush it, 100 strokes or more per night until desire result. I know that goes against protective styles and seems like over manipulation but it will get you the results you desire, 1) a LOVE filled, nurturing relationship with your hair 2) the training it needs so that you can feel confident. F.L.Y.Chica…you got this! I did the big chop for the 3rd time a year and half a go, the bottom pic looks like i have an ultra perm or something don’t be fooled, check out that top pic FULL Blown Motherland!
heh her hair will be thinking she hates it of she “trains” it by brushing it 100 TIMES A NIGHT (for the love of God WHY) and will probaby run away. How is that love filled and nurturing to the hair? I’m sincerely wondering. I guess it “helped” your hair but I’d say that would really damage her hair in the long run.
Yea, I too cringed at this. Please don’t brush your hair out 100 times unless u intentially want a fade the hard way.
should have included pics of my hair on original post, but my hair is anything but faded, and i brushed my hair for yearsssssssssssssssss, with no averse effect the first time i went natural, consequently this is my 4th time after cutting out of my locs and because my diet has changed so has my hair, so i speak with authority that my hair is not shedding or fading all over kingdom come! But thanks for the feed back!
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/184438_10201121065540423_951744587_n-2.jpg[/img]
nice earrings
yeah but it’s obvious you keep your hair trimmed short to maintain it in that style. i gather she’s trying to grow hers long. brushing at that frequency is not conducive to long term retention. it won’t make a difference if she wants shorter hair or to keep it at the current length, but if she wants longer, definitely not a good idea!
I laugh at the responses, because i have done this and my hair is beautiful, i knew the overseers would rear up LOL, My grandmother did it, her grandmother did and still managed to have beautiful hair…i wonder what we did before perms and all these protective styles? I’ll tell you we brushed our hair…
the comments recently, I mean come on ya’ll…100 strokes with a brush on 4C?! every NIGHT? really? ‘bowels of Africa’…tribe? I am crackin up right now, please stop
I am not speaking of difference of opinion dear heart but how people choose to express them. we all have difference of opinions hence a forum, but we get really outrageous in the way we express them, on this thread alone people have called her pathetic, immature blah blah blah. So yes i wont be enslaved by what you think i should do with my hair just because of your opinion, i thank you for the feed back and keep it moving…real simple, and i’m good on history…why must we be so judgy in trying to express someone else being judgy? Its hilarious really! Thanks for your Feed back and i truly didn’t mean to offend you love, my apologies!
Yes really brush that hair gal! and that other comment wasnt for you! LOL
“Natural Hair Overseers”?! Wow. Do you realize how wrong comparing women with natural hair who voice opinions counter to yours to the overseers of enslavement is?
It thought the ‘Natural Hair Nazi’ comments was bad but now this. Imma need folks to study their history. Hmph…
I am not speaking of difference of opinion dear heart but how people choose to express them. we all have difference of opinions hence a forum, but we get really outrageous in the way we express them, on this thread alone people have called her pathetic, immature blah blah blah. So yes i wont be enslaved by what you think i should do with my hair just because of your opinion, i thank you for the feed back and keep it moving…real simple, and i’m good on history…why must we be so judgy in trying to express someone else being judgy? Its hilarious really! Thanks for your Feed back and i truly didn’t mean to offend you love, my apologies!
and what exactly is all this brushing supposed to accomplish? you say trained, but i posit that ‘trained’ will quickly come to equal breakage out the wa-zoo!
Excellent read and this is what I have been saying for months now. It is easy to scream natural when your stuff is not that tight, even me! The front of my head is Puerto Rican.LOL so who am I to run around screaming about being natural. It takes real courage to rock the taco meat….that is a “natural” to me! Keep trying sista!
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/IMG_8873.JPG[/img]
LOL NO.
what…the…?
hmph. In my experience, Puerto Ricans are some of the most self-hating of any of the children of the African Diaspora. You tell us more about you than you intend with that comment.
Lmfao at “taco meat”. Girl my 4c naps aren’t Mexican food.
Lol this is hilarious
I follow your blog and am really disappointed by your comparison of kinky hair to taco meat. Also, Puerto Rican is not a hair texture. I hope that you are not telling your sons nonsense like this.
Taco meat? I’m not sure what you mean by that at all. What a comment.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/blkandwhite.jpg[/img]
wow. were you intending that as a compliment? because i’m pretty sure that one totally missed the mark and then some.
That was me about two years ago… but then I realized that wanting to look like the other girls with their curly hair was my first mistake. I was conforming to what the popular view of natural hair was. Once I realized that I needed to be my OWN natural and define what that looks like for me, I was very proud. You’ll get there, just be you and not the blogs and youtube videos.
I love my hair, i love its texture. It is 4b/c. I have medium/fine strands with a medium/low density. The all encompassiong huge halo of hair will never happen for me. I can get a poofy circular look with shrinkage, which is a no no for me, my strands are too fine to inter-twine like that. So basically i rock some sort of floppy not very volumous braid outs and twist outs. If i compared my hair to that of some of the style icons on here, i would be hurt. but just me in the mirror, my hair is adorable and still much more volumous than people with straight hair. maybe i dont have a head of cipriana hair ( her hair is fine 4c like mine but DENSE), but i do have a head of hair that is cute unto itself.
the only thing i dislike about my hair is that it will need to get to be 4X as long as some girl’s hair to hang down to the same point. oh well. Patience, time, protective styling. The time will pass anyways, i might as well make the most of it.
love!
~Sola
I can really honestly relate to this, I hate my hair and its an everyday struggle to accept it, especially when I see other naturals whose hair are flourishing. Sometimes I really feel like just cutting it off, but like Ariel I’m determined not to go back on the creamy crack. Only time will tell I what I do with it.
Have you thought about stretching your twists by pinning them to your head with bobby pins after you wash. You said you wear scarves so you it wouldn’t be hard to cover. You might be able to combat shrinkage that way.
Wrapping your twists around your head and pinning them down is a great way to stretch your hair. I have been doing it for three weeks and I love the look. Shrinkage doesn’t bother me though.
I want to thank you for writing this. Although I cannot say that I fully relate to your experience, I can say that being natural is more challenging than I originally anticipated. I don’t regret going natural. Lots of people tell me my hair is beautiful, but do not always feel that it is. It’s hard to explain. I guess my problem is that I was always known as the girl with long hair. Even if I cut my hair it seemed to take no time at all for it to grow back again. when I Bc’d I was kind of expecting the same. Even though my hair is growing at the same rate the amount that my hair shrinks makes it seem like it’s tsking twice as long for my hair to progress. There are other issues I have with my hair, such as with my curl pattern (I have sooo many different ones) and trying to find quick, low maintenance styling options, but overall I am happy with going natural. am slowly learning to accept my hair and it’s quirks and I am discovering positive things about my hair I never realized before (like how amazingly thick, soft, and sheen-y my hair is). In a strange way I feel that learning to accept my hair as it naturally is is helping me to accept myself and my life, the good and the bad.
I completely understand what she’s saying, however I could never hate my hair. I am a 4c I guess, my hair has no definitive curl pattern and absolutely no chill! No matter what style I do to it, what creams or oils or serum I use, where there is humidity there will be my tightly coiled fro’. In the beginning stages of my journey, I didn’t mind because my twists out had looking like a young Anita Baker, but the longer is got, the more awkward it was when it shrank up. Like her, I got blow dryer-happy, and used it to stretch my hair for blow outs or twists outs, but my hair got super dry and pretty much stopped growing once it reached my collar bone. I’m in the process of nursing it back to good health, but in the meantime I’ve learned to love my hair for the non-conformist that it is. Hope you feel better.
Love…i’m not going to knock u or tell u to grow up an love ur hair an watnot. I get it. U do like hair but ur natural hair, for u,is a struggle an noone will blame u for not wanting to have to handle that. My humble advice? and no…im no expert but for that peace of mind, for that self love an for that break an make time to truly love u an ur hair, go bald, rock a TWA…give yourself a break. Go bald gives women the freedom to do wat they want an move away fr society’s expectation. Furthermore, u got a cute face girl, u would rock the HELL out of it
Finally. Some honesty. Keep your head up miss.
First and foremost, Curl Envy will not get you to where you desire to be with your hair. You have to first embrace the hair that grows out of your head, the hair that God gave you. I personally think you have been taking too much liking and time away from your hair and learning your own hair. You said that you’ve tried all kinds of products that other people have used from YouTube videos and such… Maybe you should keep a hair journal. Have the book sectioned off by cleansing, conditioning, moisturizing and styling. So anytime you find a product that cleans your hair really well but doesn’t strip it of moisture, you WRITE IT DOWN. This journal won’t be forever, but it’ll just be a good basis for you to start figuring out the proper TECHNIQUE for your curls. Everyone’s hair may or may not fall into whatever hair typing category, but it all comes down to you knowing what your hair needs, and being able to manipulate your curls the best way for you.
I am against heat for 4C hair [because I myself have 4a-4c strands all over my head]… not necessarily a no-heat-Nazi.. but I do believe our hair is more lively without it. In my 3 years of being natural, keeping my hair in protective styles and most of all maintaining MOISTURE is the key.
Also, in your article, you did not mention any of the ways that you actually do your hair besides your invisibles, the blow-drying, and the attempts at picking your hair out. By the way, your hair looks soooo CUTE in the pic of your hair picked out with the little bow in it!!! All naturals have a love/hate relationship with their hair either all the time or in stages.
With time, your hair tends to change. Products and the way you manipulated your hair at an earlier stage may no longer work or come out the same when your hair gets longer. Please don’t give up on your hair and please do try to experiment more. It takes TIME to find a good routine, good products, and good go-to styles for your hair. Remember protective styles will never fail you unless you maintain moisture, and remain gentle with your hair.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/261983_10150362022011679_7274233_n.jpg[/img]
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/11966_10151835148841679_17678043_n.jpg[/img]
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/484165_10151764824286679_1064940876_n.jpg[/img]
bring it! Stephanie..speak
Sometimes I think we 4c naturals just have to face it. if we don’t want to deal with the twist out turned fro in humidity, then wear in- styles. So that means twists, braids,finger coils, buns, updos, braided updos, sister locs, or those thick uber-hot locs. They still look just as good, can still be just as hot.. it just wont be bouncy curls in the wind, just as it won’t be bone straight. It’s a matter of acceptance. Tell yourself something often enough. you start to believe it.
well the rest of the world has convinced itself that loose, flowy hair is the norm so yes it can be done! if we were living in the 1800’s we’d all have our hair up and away in beautiful updos.
Accept the shrinkage accept it get used used because the 75% shrink is here to stay. Wanting what not is will make you unhappy. I knew what i was getting into when i went natural lat year dry hair,hard hair hair whose past time is to tangle and knot as soon as i ditangle . it is frustrating but i dont want straight hair. I love the texture of my hair. I hope i will be able to continue because ditangling is a hell, kudos to those who finger ditangle. Accept what is.
People need to remember that relaxing is a choice and natural is not for everyone.
Sounds like she has low porosity hair in addition to being a 4c, which is essentially much harder to deal with products.I have 3b/3c curls and it’s a major long arduous process to even get some defined curls. Otherwise, I would have a big afro.
She should do a porosity check and see if that could help her out. Also, check out https://lowporosityhaircare.wordpress.com/ for some tips.
I have looser curls than you but I know all too well that experience when you just come out of getting your straightened and as soon as you step out of the salon, in 10 minutes it starts frizzing up again. ALL THAT HEAT FOR NOTHING. I learned my lesson though. I’m never straightening my hair in the summer!
fist pump for low po’s!
i think based on her description (&and yours as well Jeri) it sound like you both actually have high porosity hair
“High porosity can be either an inherent property of hair or the result of damage from chemical processing, rough treatment or environmental damage. High porosity hair has gaps and holes in the cuticle, which let too much moisture into your hair and leave it prone to frizz and tangling in humid weather. Even simple acts such as bathing, swimming and shampooing can create more damage and breakage due to the sheer amount of moisture highly porous hair can absorb.”
https://www.naturallycurly.com/texture-typing/hair-porosity
I had been natural for 24 years until I gave myself a “baby perm” in 2008 because I was tired of being different. Prior to the perm I have had waist length hair, mid back length hair and shoulder length hair. I experienced your same distain, with respect to my own hair, mostly because everyone around me had a perm. Well, after getting a perm and having most of my hair fall out I pretty much learned to accept my hair exactly the way it grew from my head. Recently, I had a break-through. Last year I decided I would leave my hair alone for an entire year, and grow it out (I wore a wig for an entire year). While last year I had a shoulder length fro with tension. This year, once again, I have mid back length hair with tension (no heat, just pulling).
What I want you to know is that as soon as my hair gets wet it shrinks. The smallest amount of water will do it! What I have learned is by keeping my hair stretched through twisting, I can maintain length. I suggest that you focus on simply twisting your hair. Leave them in for at least a week. At that point, plat your hair tightly into four plats. Mist your hair with water and let it air dry and take out the following day. By doing this, I think you will achieve the length and the look you’re going for. I hope this helps.
Cheer up! Honestly, the way you describe your hair sounds so much like mine. My hair will shrink to a tight kinky fro with high atmospheric humidity. A fluffy picked out fro, a twist out that took hours to twist, a braid out that was once so defined, all turns into a tight kinky fro at the end of the day. But the difference between you and I is that I don’t hate my hair for it. This may sound like a broken record, but just accept your hair already. Life will be so much better and happier for you!
I know that my hair will shrink, and too much shrinkage can cause tangles and breakage. So i just stretch my hair every time I wash it (about 3 times a week). I use curlformers, which are the absolute best in my opinion, and I too have super thick, kinky, 4c hair. Try the curlformers again on freshly washed hair. For extreme fluffiness and stretch, I do that and finger detangle/comb out the curls. I get fros that get a lot of love from peers and complete strangers. Just love your hair and try to have more fun with it. Experiment.
Lastly, my hair is naturally dry. I don’t know if you have this same problem. But I began to wash more frequently and use better natural hair products (Qhemet Biologics IS my love; but I use Shea Moisture for conditioner after QB shampoo ). So dryness (and breakage and “unmanageable-ness” from dryness) is not an issue for me anymore. Sorry to write a long essay, but I hope you feel better soon about your hair!
Hey Ariel!
I hope you come to love your hair really soon! For your happiness and peace of mind.
As much as we’re a community, every naturalista’s hair journey is unique. What works for one 4C may not even work for another.
AND Really kinky 4C naturalistas have been featured on this blog! If you think otherwise, maybe you need to come here more often. For even more 4C inspiration, you could go see featured naturalistas on »
https://thekinkandi.wordpress.com/category/hairspiration/friday-hairspiration/
Happy Natural Days Ahead!
x
Whereas I have no problem with shrinkage (my family does apparently), I hated the fact that my hair wouldn’t hold the shape of a braid-out or twist-out once a drop of moisture is in the air … my hair can LITERALLY tell when the rain is coming it turns into an unmanageable mess just in preparation!!!! I couldn’t understand why my sister’s hair looked good in an afro, braid-out, twist-out and mine looked like, well, crap!!! Did I mention that my hair broke into pieces at least three of my wide-toothed combs??? No?? Well it did! And this is after I finger detangled mind you, the crown of my head has a hate-hate relationship with all combs and doesn’t mind showing its strength in that area. Yes sometimes my hair makes me want to cry but all I can tell you to do is hang in there. Oh and to top it all off, I found out that I have scalp eczema – YEAH, NOT – so back to the stinky shampoos and vicks-smelling hair grease (or whatever the hell that is from Hollywood Beauty that actually works) and I’m working now so, not good.
Not to be funny but I believe if you lost about 20-30 pounds it would make you feel a lot better. And the reason I say this is because I lost 40 pounds while natural and I knew I would look much better because my face got slimmer and I could see my features more. That really did work for me, I do mean this in the most sincere way.
she’s not even fat. what are you talking about?
and this is why i REALLY wish sites like bglh or any natural hair site would give more attention to the 4C chicks. seriously though, we claim to love natural hair but the girls that get the most attention in the natural hair community ALWAYS have 1. long hair and/or 2. bouncy, loose curls. if we would start showing more love and appreciation for girls who have super kinky hair and had more info about how to take care of it, i feel like this would happen less often. take advice from other 4c girls on youtube – i learned a lot from them when i came to terms with my hair texture. wash n goes are NOT FOR ALL NATURALS.
here are some 4c hair truths for all from Jouelzy on youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zngrlEQG3EM
They shown A TON OF 4C ON THIS WEBSITE! So when people star whining, I don’t know what they are taking about. They show a pretty good range of hair types. If you dislike it so much, no one is asking you to go on this site….
I just assumed they were referring to a different website than this one. That and real life (i.e. the media, family, friends, random people on the street and the black mentality that looser=better). I agree with you, though. This site does a great job representing type 4 hair types and that’s something I really appreciate about this site. I think other websites would do well to do the same.
Honey, no need to hate what God gave you. Embrace it and keep trying things on your hair. I too have 4c hair and when I fail to add moisture, I have a tangly, kinky, dry shrunken mess. My regime is moisture (misted water, oils, and real shea butter) with two strand twisted Bantu knots for bed. Yes the humidity will tear me up, but my fro is still manageable with texture. Although I love the smell of all of these over the counter products (Miss Jessie’s, design essentials, Shea moisture) as I too have tried tons of products, just the basics work for my hair type. Co-washing with conditioner helps me detangle, apple cider vinegar takes away my itch and gives me a spring to my tight coils, and oils like olive oil and caster oil help me keep my moisture and stretch my hair without heat. Currently I’m experimenting with the Eco styler gel, but I find that it takes away from my moisture. My point is, keep trying until you find what works for you! And love every minute of it.
I love your no fail attitude, but you have what you have for a reason. Embrace it, love it, and rock it girl. I believe you just haven’t found the right regime. Once you do…baby there’s no stopping you!
Naturalista myself and mother of two beautiful natural hair daughters in Tx
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/image-2.jpg[/img]
your post was inspirational. you echoed my sentiments to the letter, and i feel for your struggle. i think we often feel more alone in this than we are. sometimes i go through periods where, like you, i feel strongly inclined to hack it all off. then i find myself in phases, like currently, where because i’m tired of it, i merely throw it into a bun and refuse to touch it for days at a time. it’s natural, i think, to experience this when you commit to natural hair. and heck, i’ve been natural for most of all of my life, and it can still be frustrating. just try your best, and remember there’s nothing wrong with taking a break from your hair from time to time. don’t resort to chopping it off- take it from one who has always fallen back on the scissors, just to end up with the same length of hair time and time again lol
I understand your frustrations. I actually don’t even know what “type” of hair I have. Sometimes it looks really fluffy and nice, and at other times it looks dry. I can for the most part rock a wash and go-if that means putting a leave-in conditioner in the hair and then go; becuase this is what I do. Is this what a wash and go is anyway.
Anyway, sometimes I love my afro. Sometimes I don’t. I do like my hair and can’t wait for it to grow so that I can style it. I love styling my hair and miss that due to my TWA.
You’re very pretty and your hair does look nice. Just keep working at it. Natural hair is beautiful and so worth the time we put in to take care of it. It’s so regal looking. Espacially when we women put on those beautiful necklaces that go so well with natural big or not so big hair. It’s beautiful to me.
this is the thing with our hair (the 4c type): all those WATER-BASED products make your hair shrink up and lose any kind of pattern it would have gained in a twist out or braid out. my recommendation would be to simply keep it up as much as possible in senegalese twists and cute box braids. give your hair time to be moisturized, sprayed with water, conditioned, etc. as often as you’d like without the annoying shrinkage reactions you’d get from wearing it out. it will retain length while in those twists and have patience! 🙂 it’s working for me and i’m 2 and 1/2 years natural!
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/characters_xessya.jpg[/img]
umm 4C? hmmm
was that hmm.. really necessary? 4C chicks can have defined curls too smh
Have to agree with lablooplah on that. My 4c hair can look exactly like that. Don’t judge and question others hairtypes. They know their hair best…
As for the author. It can be a struggle this natural hair but you will find your way. I didn’t always like my hair or the way it looked but as time past I figured out what worked for me and what didn’t, which products to use etc. This has helped me alot and opened my eyes to the possibilities of my natural hair. You have to get to
knoknow your hair and your hair alone because it’s unique. You’re still young and have the time to figure out what works for you. I wish you all the best
past = passed
okay- I am really not trying to be funny or snarky or ANYTHING like that…but- if 4c can have defined curls, what is the difference between a 3c and a 4c? I thought it was natural (no curly miracle creams added) curl patter/definition…please excuse my ignorance while I navigate this whole hair typing thing…although at this point, I dont even know why i still give a d@mn.
thank you Jessica
Please don’t keep up with the hair “grading” nonsense. It’s demeaning and ridiculous
@ CheBReal…no one likes the hair tping, but it is a REALITY…BGLH has a section called Type4C Icons; also 3abcd, 4ab, but not 6G…so calling hair typing nonsense and degrading THAT is ridiculous…we don’t like it, but DEAL with it…UNTIL something better comes along, type 4C baby!
LOL. I thought the same thing
lol – I always chuckle when I see folks with non 4 hair say things like, “it’s not that hard, see, I have your 4 type hair and look how great mine looks” and then they post a picture of their obviously 3a/b/c hair. What’s that all about?
you can only say …hmmm 4C? ok then
I LOVE your honesty. At some point in your journey (and you’re only 20, so you have just started!) you will accept and love exactly what you have, and no longer yearn for someone else’s hair. This is what God gave you, and it’s beautiful. The problem isn’t with your hair. It’s with your head 🙂
Good luck to you, and God Bless!
As a fellow 4c girl, I definitely feel where you’re coming from. My hair is as nappy as it gets. I have extremely small, very tight coils. My shrinkage is unbelievable. Wash-n-gos cause TERRIBLE tangles, matting, and single strands knots for me, so I don’t screw with that. Pineapple method?? Just another ticket to matting. 4th day hair?? Does such a thing exist?? And I ALWAYS have to something to my hair at night(if I’m wearing it out), whether that’s putting it in braids, twists, or mini puffs, otherwise I’m gonna look crazy in the morning.
But even with these little annoyances, I still love my hair. I love my fros and I love how soft it feels when it’s moisturized. I love the fact that I don’t have to rely on a relaxer to continuously alter my texture. I can just let it grow and grow out the way it’s supposed to!
I think for a lot of people, it takes time to learn what works for them. And that’s OK. Think about it… A lot of us got relaxers at a very young age so never really dealt with our own texture. Most other ethnicities have been dealing with their own hair texture their whole lives. But for a lot of us going natural, this is the first time we’re learning how to work with our very own textures. So of course it’s going to take TIME.
Plus this is the first time when information on how to take care of natural hair is so readily available. How much info was there on how to take care of natural hair in the 90s’ and early 00’s?? That didn’t involve relaxing/texturizing??
So to anyone struggling, don’t give up!! What I like to do is find girls on YouTube and blog sites that have hair types that are very close to mine or exactly like it. I’m more interested in how a hairstyle is going to look on someone with my hairtype vs. someone with like 3c/4a, cuz I can relate more. Some 4b/4c youtubers I like are 4CHairChick, Akushika GoneNatural, NaturalMe4C, Jouelzy, MyFroandITV, Luvbeinnatural, and KulchicBeauty- NylaK.
Best of Luck!!
“Most other ethnicity have been dealing with their own hair texture their whole lives. But for a lot of us going natural, this is the first time we’re learning how to work with our very own textures. So of course it’s going to take TIME.” THANKYOU!! You might wanna do the cg method and then braid right afterwards so that your hair doesn’t shrink and matt up. Works for me 🙂 And i honestly think we are too hard on ourselves when we have the so called “bad hair days”
Your hair is gorgeous though!
Based on the length of your hair in your pics above I think you would accept your hair a bit more if it were longer and you could do more styes and when humidity strikes (and it does for every hair type) you could at least put it in a cute bun. My hair is a bit longer than yours now, but I’m still in the awkward stage length, beyond TWA but I still cant put it in bun without really pulling and stressing it more than I’d like. Don’t give up, thick healthy hair is far better than thin, possibly thinning hair , stunted growth and breakage.
I can tell you I would concentrate on keeping your hair healthy and not fighting with it, that will insure it grows and that should give you more options. Try braids or sew ins but take care of your hair while using them to help retain some length, plus you won’t have to stress and worry about your hair and if it’s growing on a daily basis. Sewins really helped me after my BC when I was left with 2-2 1/2 inches. I kept a sew in in for about 3 months after about 4-5 months of protective styles.
At the end of the day it is just hair. Cute hair is not your purpose for existing and its not your destiny. It may sound harsh but your hair is not worth your tears, joy, happiness or peace of mind. You are more important to Jesus than your hair.
i agree with the notion that added length might make her see her hair differently. i despised my hair when it was 6-8 inches, but when it was 12-13 inches i had a LOT more love for it, because i could do more with it. styles, or at least the ones that i liked to do, just looked a lot better on longer hair. so i think she should just give it time.
I love this article. It’s just real. Not everyone – as soon as they turn natural – wakes up and says, I love my hair. No. This love for our hair takes time – and guess what? It’s okay. It’s okay to not feel comfortable immediately. I knowI had a very emotional moment this morning. Our hair takes A LOT of time, energy and work. It just does. And it’s annoying. Especially when all you want to do is just go to bed. Geesh. I commend you and excited that you’re going to keep trucking and not give up on the natural train. Go girl! This too shall pass. And when it does, oh glorious acceptance. Sometimes when we go into our dark place, it helps us to embrace the light.
I did love my hair from the get-go. Self hair-hate? What did she say was wrong with har hair again?
Hey cudee now, guess who budee mans the cudee,
this is sad, when I read this…just..idk, I consider myself 4BC my hair is more work, and I would NEVER consider it unmanageable…only more work. I believe how you feel is psychological because we are bombarded with images of tall, blue-eyed busty blondes and if its black women their hair is similar to Tracee Ellis Ross, Alicia Keys or some type of 3abc hair…the images are 24/7 all over the place…this can take a toll on a person who does not fit the images..Please don’t be UNHAPPY with your hair…if getting a relaxer makes it more manageable for you, well do it…to sit in front of a mirror and cry…lord no; perm it…life is too short…I hate it when young women cry,so sad
Yes, yes, yes!!!!! I do feel for the author. However, I agree that one has to truly accept their hair for what it is and not the images we are bombarded with.
BTW your afro is gorgeous!
Just a quick question, we are bombarded with flat booty white women, so why aren’t black women trying to get that.. It seems that a lot of black women, want straight hair because they just don,t like there hair. I’m in London right now and you see is ads with white women on them, I look and thnk, where are the black women, I don’t think that I need to look like them. This is the time when there is no excuse to not be natural, this natural hair movement is just weeding out the people with true self hate. I got a relaxer at 12 because my was extremely thick and my sisters stop taking care of it. Once I found YouTube and hair sites, I had an epiphany!! I said to myself, what is so wrong with my hair and my answer was there is nothing wrong with it. I’ve never dislike my hair. So I hope this young lady learns how to style I in a way where there is no reverting hair, because that seems to be one of the issues. We all have bad hair days, I would say go back and look at the beautiful pictures you have taken of your hair.t
by reading the article I don’t think she is going to do it…plenty of naturals can not handle it, and they relax their hair and they are much happier…again life is too short to be unhappy about hair
Why not consider locs….they are beautiful with thick hair. You will have 100’s of them….just a thought. I had locs for 19 years,my locs grew down to my buttock.I’m now acurly girl with fine hair,just making it stronger/healthier. I wish I had thicker hair,but I work with what I have. The grass seems always greener.
Wow, this is such a great article. Even if you’ve come to love your hair I think we all, at some point, disliked (and for some) even hated our natural hair. With most people, including myself, this usually occurs in the beginning where, as Ariel stated, we’re bombarded with youtubers and bloggers and models who have these beautiful curly manes and we hype ourselves up just to realize that our hair won’t curl the same way that blogger’s will. And it’s frustrating. The best part though, is that she was willing to admit that she dislikes her hair and yet she refuses to go back to perms. I personally think her hair is beautiful though. Keep on trying sweetie, hope it gets better 🙂
Why not consider locs….they are beautiful with thick hair. You will have 100’s of them….just a thought. I had locs for 19 years,my locs grew down to my buttock.I’m now acurly girl with fine hair,just making it stronger/healthier. I wish I had thicker hair,but I work with what I have. The grass seems always greener.
Thank you SO much for your honesty. I had a similar rant with my best friend a few weeks back- Relax my hair and probably damage it or continually blow-dry/straighten my hair and probably damage it. I only really like my hair natural when its in a stretched afro puff but as I found out that’s not sustainable. Still trying to figure it out and am currently alternating between braids, weaves and afro.
Again, thank you for your honesty and keep looking for natural, healthy solutions. All I can say is you’re not alone, that you probably don’t look half as bad as you think and good luck.
It can be rough when your hair doesn’t seem to even fake the look you desire. A suggestion: Haircut, or just Hair Shaping.
When your hair is cut into a style, a great deal of the battle is won! Even when I do nothing to my hair and just let it do its thing (a half-coily, half-bush combo), it still looks . . . purposeful. You know? It has a shape, it may not be the coveted type of hair, but it’s got style, and I’m working it, because it works itself, lol.
Ditto! I was going to the put that in post as well. I going through an awkward stage,as we speak, and feeling this as well.
.___. If your hair doesn’t make you happy…then what’s the point of even having it?
It doesn’t matter the texture. I’d rather be a stark bald women with a bright smile then a gloomy one with hair down to her tooshie. If you don’t like your hair in this state, then don’t stress yourself – unless you REALLY believe it is worth something.
Because in the end, it’s all dead, lifeless matter.
Do what makes you happy, what makes you feel pretty. You don’t have to read a hair blog to do that. Just do what makes you feel best.
Finally an honest, refreshing look at dealing with type 4 hair that is also fine, nothing like what is shown in those natural curl product ads. Thank you for sharing, one of the best articles I have seen on BGLH!!!
I think the only way to overcome this hate for your hair is to learn to love it. And I know that’s a concept hard to grasp! As my hair was growing out I realized quickly it wouldn’t look like the models hair with all those spirals cascading down around their face. And on top of that I was obsessed with length. I started to realized no product would make my hair grow faster so I stopped searching; Plus you can obtain bad hair products this way (stuff with Mineral Oil, cones, etc.).
What I started doing was looking for things I did LIKE about my type 4 hair and once you do that you become appreciative of your hair and it starts to change your mind about it. I began to realized my hair was unique and it stood out of the crowd (and if you know me personally, you know that I love to stand out and to be unlike the rest). I also started to get a lot of compliments on my hair from my friends and strangers. When I was relaxed I never ever got compliments.
I hope eventually you’ll learn to accept what your hair can and can’t do and realize just how gorgeous and beautiful it really is.
Honestly, if i knew then- what I know now- about texturizing and protecting my relaxed strands with vaseline while getting a touch up. I can’t say for certain- but I might still be a relaxed girl. Also, I was talking to some of my friends about this the other day…and most of us thought although we like being natural, this natural hair ‘movement’ would probably be just another ‘phase’ if extensions and weaves had not taken over. If you think about it- wigs and weaves are the new relaxer. I know one girl who’s hair in never, eva, neva without tracks. Just an opinion…
NOT FOR ME IT AIN’T I HATE FAKE HAIR
that’s an interesting supposition. i’d never thought about it like that before. but i do think that most women who have gone natural would never have done so if they’d been able to make their relaxed hair thrive. idk how many would admit to that, but there ya go.
Honestly, if i knew then- what I know now- about texturizing and protecting my relaxed strands with vaseline while getting a touch up. I can’t say for certain- but I might still be a relaxed girl. Also, I was talking to some of my friends about this the other day…and most of us thought although we like being natural, this natural hair ‘movement’ would probably be just another ‘phase’ if extensions and weaves had not taken over. If you think about it- wigs and weaves are the new relaxer. I know one girl who’s hair in never, eva, neva without tracks and she’s natural. Just an opinion…
Thank you for sharing Ariel!
It might be worthwhile for you to explore protective natural hairstyles, since afros & other out-styles (e.g. twist outs, bantu-knot outs)can frustrate us when we’re stuck with tangles and stressed by our hair texture. As we learn to love & care for our hair, maybe these can help:
Two Strand Flat Twist Updo’
My Natural Sistas
xGoldn
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZNfZPR9K1U
Peace & Love
W/out getting too deep, I think a lot of people feel this way about their hair. I know as black women we have an extra burden, but if were to be honest, many other races aren’t happy w/their hair either. I think by being natural; you have already accepted your self, but that doesn’t mean that you are going to be in love w/your hair either.
Thank you for sharing. I can relate, but my experience is medical. I have a scalp condition called seborrhea dermatitis. One of the side effects is hair loss. For years I had brittle hair and bald spots. I hated my hair and no matter how much I tried to get it to grow, it wouldn’t. After going to the dermatologist and getting treatment, I got some relief. Then, I discovered natural herbs and products. My hair began to grow back and so did my confidence. Today people tell me how beautiful my curls are. Your today doesn’t have to be forever. Sometimes you have to work extremely hard but in the long run it’s worth it. Now I help others who have the same or similar scalp condition. Just imagine going bald or nearly bald. Hair is the first thing people see and it can be your crown of glory or your mark of shame.
Wow, Raven, well said. “Your today doesn’t have to be forever.” Beautiful. And people are so stuck on hair, we’re under constant pressure to look “on” all the time, or “normal”, it’s a mess! Take courage girls; who cares if they look hard at us? We are beautiful in every way, so turn self-hate into self-love and don’t give a darn! Find what works and stick with it!
vertmoot.blogspot.com
Story of my life
*Sigh*….
And OF COURSE when talking about how unmanagable her hair was, the “4c” had to be thrown in there as a automatic death sentence. I know you more than likely wasn’t conciously trying to down this type, but it’s still stuck in people’s heads that if your hair type is 4c its synonymous with unmanagable.
As a fellow 4c, let me give you some constructive views and advice. More than likely (and why I PERSONALLY chose not to transition), your inability to deal with your hair comes from “locking it away” in extentions, and then, having a full head of hair that you have no idea how to work with. 4c can do almost anything, you just have to learn tricks of the trade.
You will learn that when styling 4c hair (this was also expressed by 4c YouTuber Joulzey, but figured it out on my own) styling your hair damp or wet WILL NOT WORK FOR YOU. Because of our hair’s high shrinkage characteristics, after properly moisterizing and sealing, stretching is a MUST to show length and reduce tangles. Whether banding, flat-twisting or braiding, this will save your styles. I have successfully rocked Curlformers after banding my hair, and allowing it to almost or completly dry (only using the setting lotion while styling).
I am starting to see why some people perfer not to drink the hair typing Kool-Aid. Again, just trying to tell you its not as bleak and hopeless as you think. And hopefully, this won’t be taken as some kinda personal attack.
BEST COMMENT ON THIS POST
I think your post is courageous and commendable. I imagine it can be difficult for women to vent their frustration on a site that mostly glorifies natural hair.
You are beautiful. You have a pretty face, and from what I can tell from your not so recent pictures your 4c hair is beautiful too. Please don’t give up on it, I believe you will find a way to manage and rock the tresses that grow out of your head.
There are some 4c naturals on Youtube, like Jouelzy for example.
Twistouts and Braidouts are cute, and they CAN be achieved with 4c hair. But there is so much beauty and versality in twists, braids and cornrows. Big, bouncy and loose curls are not for everyone and that’s OKAY. You probably know this too, but maybe it helps if it’s reaffirmed by someone else.
Her hair looks beautiful to me as well
How can you be a beauty activist when you hate yourself? I know you said that you hated your hair, but how can you when your hair is apart of you? I need you to look in the mirror and see what I see and that isn’t ugly or nappy. I see nice skin, full lips and alluring eyes. I also see thick kinky hair on a journey!
Master your hair by studying it and reading about afro texture hair, and if the products you are using aren’t working become a mixologist and find what works best for you. Rock your fro/braids/twist and when that self hating voice in your head tries to pull you down tell her she is a lie!
gotta agree with her. It’s true that our hair can be hard to manage, if we make it that way. I’m currently a college student and i’ve found an easier way to take care of my hair that saves time, the curly girl method. And if my hair ends up looking like a mess, well then i work with it. Our hair cannot look perfect everyday, and that is okay. Rock a head scarf or w.e. But first you must learn to accept your hair. Relaxing your hair should be your last option. Well that is just my opinion. I have 4c hair as well and i’ve hard baad hair days trust me, but i still work with it. We are only human after all. Anyway I’m wishing you the best in whatever you do with your hair.
There’s also the definition of presentable hair that people might desire to always live up to and that takes even more work to live up to with kinky hair. That plays into it too. There was a recent post that expressed something similar.
Great points Nature Girl, but being a 4 myself and someone who can totally relate to the writer of this article, I have to agree with her. The thing is, I don’t know about her, but I suspect she is like me in that it is NOT self hate at all. I honestly have a good healthy self-esteem and I have never struggled with self-hate or low self esteem or anything like that. I just genuinely don’t care for my particular texture of hair. Like several have mentioned, it requires constant help and attention like you are baby-sitting it or something…round the clock moisturizing, a 20-step method to follow just to wash your hair, prepping your hair at night (even when you just want to slap a scarf on and go to bed)…it just gets exhausting and contrary to the amount of time I spend on my hair, I am not a hair person! I am totally low maintenance in that area…sometimes, I just want to throw some clothes on and head out the door, but I have to plan hours of extra time into my schedule…since being natural, I am constantly late everywhere, lol. I also agree with other naturals that once your hair grows out, it gets MUCH better. Just a suggestion, I wore more hair in extensions/braids/for over 2 years while natural in order to get it to a good length…now it’s much easier…still lots of work to do..but AT LEAST it looks better. Thank you Ariel for writing this article…we feel you!!
Ariel, I’m so glad you were honest! Thank you
Kan – thank you for your honestly too! I’m a 4 as well, but i don’t understand. why are you spending hours on your hair? What exactly are you trying to get it to look like?
I think once we stop holding our hair to eurocentric beauty standards, and wear styles that don’t require huge manipulation to create a resemblence of another persons hair texture we’ll be fine. We will find ourselves spending time on our hair because we WANT it to be healthy and moisturized, or we are in a mood where we WANT to play w/ our hair.
Please dont get me wrong, i’m not saying curlformers, twistouts & bantu knots, blow-outs and straight hair isnt okay to do; our hair is versatile, we can do those, no problem. But when i don’thave time, i’m pulling that hair back putting on some edge control & i’m out-the-door.
seeing your natural hair as beautiful IS the journey; not just the attainment of length.
when i was in the awkward length i got box braids too to help me not spend hours on my hair. if we are practical & realistic w/ ourselves & our hair it will be easier.
Hi Jasmine!
The hours I am referring to are mainly during the washing process. For me I have to first deep condition & steam, finger detangle (which takes sooo long), wash, then use a protein treatment followed up by a moisturizer…then wait for it to dry about 50% until I can braid because braiding while wet means my hair won’t dry fully. This takes about 3 – 4 hours for me (which in my book is insane) And I have to do this process once a week….I typically can’t go longer than this because I work out alot and my scalp gets itchy. Also, throughout the week – I could just put up in a bun or twists, but I don’t like those styles on me so I have to re-braid every other night (my hair doesn’t keep curls well)….phew! And I have been natural for 5 years and having tried out alot of different routines, this one helps me retain the most length….I am bra strap lenght finally, thank God, but it takes a lot of work to get here…work that I don’t necessarily want to do…I am actually not a big fan of euro type hair and not trying to emulate it at all….I just wish my hair cooperated more….there’s more to life than hair, ya know?
Thanks for sharing your story!
I can totally relate to that.
I m really considering going back to relaxed hair, after 3 yrs of being natural. But you make me wanna consider other options
I think it’s amazing that you are so honest and I know many will relate. I think it’s great that you are following your heart and not giving up on your hair. I’ve really noticed that 4c kinky naturals are becoming more visible in comments, blogs, youtube videos which is the way it should have been from the start but hey, this natural hair thing is a journey we are all in together and this is a natural development. I pray as time goes by, there will be more exposure and support for 4c hair in the community and even in advertising for products.
I pray that you and anyone else where you are will become equipped with knowledge, understanding and ideally love about their hair that they will pass on to their sons and daughters. A privilege that their mothers unfortunately did not have. This is if we learn from what we are seeing people express about their hair and that shows what sort of support and education is missing. It all takes time but is worth it.
At the same time though, if you come to a point in your life where you truly believe perming, weaving up or heat training your hair will be best for YOU, then do it. If your life is flashing before you, it’s not your hair that will be at the forefront. Just like you are doing now with bidding time till you figure out what you want to do, it’s all good. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty! (I know you probably know this so for anyone else out there in the same place!) Deep down, we know ourselves the best and what we can handle at a particular time. Right now, it seems you are ready to stick with natural hair and I hope whether it’s now or down the line, you get to understand and ideally accept/love your hair in all it’s forms.
I agree… If you don’t like it, if it’s causing you stress then get a perm. No harm done. Plus this whole haircare movement in general is moving forward really quickly, there’s a bunch of information on youtube and blogs for both natural and relaxed hair.
“Plus this whole haircare movement in general is moving forward really quickly, there’s a bunch of information on youtube and blogs for both natural and relaxed hair”
yes it’s an awesome development too…my personal goal is to know how to take care of my hair whether its permed, relaxed, texturized…whatever. Right now (and probably for a long time but who knows) I’m in my natural state. It’s all good…
Thanks for sharing your story- it’s actually quite refreshing.:-) I’m sure there are some ladies out there who are breathing a sigh of relief because you actually said- what they are thinking. Let me tell you something…I really do love my natural hair and I’m really enjoying my curl pattern. But if my hair did not break off from relaxing, I would not have stopped perming my hair. Natural hair is not for everyone!! I’ve been natural for almost 2 years. I get frustrated with my hair because I feel like I have to always DO it. Later for all that retwisting at night, co-washing on a Wednesday after work when I could be at happy hour somewhere- What! Not the kid. Lol. Not that I didn’t religiously moisturize and seal my relaxed hair-natural hair too- it was just more manageable TO ME and yes, I had some good azz hang time. Now, I didn’t read, unless I missed it, that you had breakage etc. as the reason why you transitioned so I will assume you went natural just because it seems like the rest of us did or because relaxing over time is not good for the body or since your in college- I’ve heard all the girls are going natural and you may be following the masses? I hope not… but if you did for one of the above reasons or some other re-consider a texturizer or if you choose not to texturize even wearing it straight during the winter months, so much easier, and resolve to curler looks in the summer. I know that helped me. Just knowing that the June-Aug I was going to have a bit of a battle with curls and shrinkage knowing that Sept-May would be dedicated to straighter styles- it just helped me mentally. Last if you do decide to stay natural then consider what you might be doing that is limiting your length retention. But otherwise hang in there. 🙂
I commend you for your honesty, Ariel. And I can completely relate to your frustration with your natural hair, contrasted with your desire to stay natural. I hope you come to a place where you can embrace and love your hair. You’re a beautiful young lady. Blessings.
From your words to my heart,I have felt like this more times than I can remember. I want to relax my hair ’cause when it was relaxed it grew longer with less effort!
Aawwwww:-( I can relate!all I can say is..you’re not alone!
Maybe your hair will cooperate with you more as it grows long. My natural hair is about shoulder length as well and it can be a sour pain in the ass. It’s too short to do anything with besides bun. When I say bun I don’t mean a nice slicked back luscious bun. I mean a puffy tiny bun enveloped by my satin scrunchies. While I don’t hate my natural hair texture- probably 3c/4a, I do hate how short it is. Sometimes I think about just wearing it straight all the time but I know that will lead to hear damage. I guess the only thing you can do is hang in there and just leave it alone so it can grow in peace. Long hair tends to be easier to work with and style. I’m hoping to be armpit length by late December or early January as well. I also wanted to say that your natural hair doesn’t look horrid to me in those pictures so it may not be as bad as you think.
I can relate to this article as well, and Chachamusicgirl, at least your hair is shoulder length, mine is still TWA stage so I can’t do anything but wear an afro, which I don’t like on me. I am hoping though, as you said, that once it continues to grow out I can do more things with it, because wearing a wig is getting REALLY old. My hair has been a pain in the a** for as long as I can remember, but I’m just thankful that at this point I have healthy hair and that it’s much healthier now than it’s been in a long time, so thank God for that!!
Hi. I also have 4 c hair in the worse way too and am not happy when I cannot achieve a great twist out like other naturals who have 4b or less hair types. Also, I live in a tropical climate 100% of the time. But the reality is that our type of hair, 4c, is going to shrink no matter what. That’s just our hair. I encourage you not to get discouraged but to accept it.I also applaud you when you realize you are you, with your unique hair strands and all. It’s a struggle but one really worth it. I have been natural all my life but started taking care of it in the right sense in 2011 as best as I could since in the Caribbean we don’t have all those wonderful brands of natural hair products to choose from but only the basics to use in terms of oils. So it is challenging but I wouldn’t have it any other way. All the best.