By Dominique Matti for Those People
Because when I was five, my kindergarten classmate told me I couldn’t be the princess in the game we were playing because black girls couldn’t be princesses. Because I was in third grade the first time a teacher seemed shocked at how “well-spoken” I was. Because in fourth grade I was told my crush didn’t like black girls. Because in sixth grade a different crush told me I was pretty—for a black girl. Because in 7th grade my predominantly black suburban neighborhood was nicknamed “Spring Ghettos” instead of calling it its name (Spring Meadows). Because I was in 8th grade the first time I was called an Oreo and told that I “wasn’t really black” like it was a compliment.
Because in 9th grade when I switched schools a boy told me he knew I had to be mixed with something to be so pretty. Because in 10th grade my group of friends and I were called into an office and asked if we were a gang, or if we had father figures. Because in 11th grade my AP English teacher told me that I didn’t write like a college-bound student (though I later scored perfectly on the exam). Because when I volunteered in Costa Rica that summer, I was whistled at and called Negrita. Because when I asked my host father if that was like being called nigger, he said, no, it was a compliment because black women are perceived to be very good in bed. Because I was a kid. Because I watched from the bleachers while the school resource officer didn’t let my brother into a football game after mistaking him for another black boy who was banned. Because the school resource officer maced him for insisting he was wrong. Because I was suspended for telling the school resource officer he didn’t deserve respect. Because my senior year boyfriend said nigger.
Because I was one of two black girls in the freshman class at my college. Because at meetings to talk about how to attract more black students, someone suggested that the school attracted a certain demographic (sustainable living, farming, general hippiness) and that maybe black people “just weren’t interested in things like that.” Because my college boyfriend called me a “fiery negress” as a joke when he ordered for me at a restaurant. Because the boyfriend after that cut me off for saying he was privileged. Because I can’t return to my hometown without getting pulled over.
Because when I got married people assumed I was pregnant. Because people who know I’m married call my husband my “baby daddy.” Because my pregnancy with my son was plagued with videos of black lives being taken in cold blood. Because their murderers still walk the streets. Because the nation sent me a message that my son’s life didn’t matter. Because when Tamir Rice was murdered I curled up on the bed and sobbed, cupping my belly. Because my son heard me sobbing from the inside. Because they don’t care about us. Because when I was 7 months pregnant my neighbor asked me to help him move a dresser up a flight of stairs. Because I am not seen as a woman. Because I am not allowed to be fragile. Because the nurse that checked me in at the hospital to deliver wouldn’t look my husband in the eye. Because the vast majority of people won’t look my husband in the eye. Because when the doctors put my son in my arms and I saw that he was as dark as his father, I knew life would be even harder for him. Because he will be regarded the same way I was. Because he will be forced to grow up before he is grown. Because strangers at the store think it’s okay to reach into my son’s stroller and touch him without a word to me. Because we aren’t entitled to boundaries. Because they think we are here for their enjoyment. Because people don’t think we are people.
Because my nephew told me he couldn’t be Spider Man like he wants to because Spider Man is white. Because when he was four he said that he wants to be white so that he can go on a boat like the people on TV. Because I couldn’t save him from that. Because I can’t protect my son. Because I can’t protect myself. Because my stomach sinks whenever I see a police car. Because when my husband leaves the house at night I am afraid he’ll be killed for looking like somebody. Because I worry that if I went missing like the 64,000 other black women in this nation, the authorities wouldn’t try hard to find me. Because I am disposable. Because I am hated. Because we keep dying. Because they justify our deaths. Because no one is held accountable. Because I am gas lighted. Because I have been told that by speaking about being oppressed I am victimizing myself. Because our murders are filmed and still pardoned. Because I don’t know what it means to let loose. Because doing the things that my white peers do with ease could cost me my life—trespassing in abandoned buildings, smoking joints, wearing a hoodie, looking an officer in the eye, playing music loudly, existing. Because I am afraid to relax. Because I am traumatized.
Read the rest here.
52 Responses
This is exactly why we as black women shouldn’t fear being stereotyped “the angry black woman”. It is a label created in hopes that we shut up and accept the unjust treatment that we receive simply for being black women. Stay strong and speak up.
Enjoy having a heart attack or high blood pressure or cancer, Because that is exactly where all this anger, hatred, and forgiveness will manifest. You are the author of your own life and you choose what and who you will be. Let others decide your fate and you will remain a victim.
Did you read this? Did you think about anything?
I read the whole thing, we all deserve better. User agman probably tries to bury the issue inside like what some people in my country do. Basically, they believe that if they don’t talk about it, the issues don’t really exist … and my country is predominantly black [or if you prefer African descent instead of black that’s fine] and yes, I have or other citizens have experienced these same issues.
You may not believe in God but I bet you’ll believe in having a heart attack. Because that’s exactly where all this hatred and forgiveness will manifest.
How can you “rise above it and live your life” if THIS is your life? You’re telling me you would be able to ‘rise above’ a situation in which a man in a police uniform is pointing a gun at you? You can’t just tell people to deal with it and move on. That’s like telling a depressed person to just stop being depressed and be happy.
PREACH!!!!
To anyone reading this and calling the author’s POV negative, or telling her she needs to “let it go”, please remember this: Situations need to be acknowledged and identified before they can be changed.
plus there were many times in my life when i felt so much anger towards whites bcz of our history m the way blacl
were treated but then i realised that i was becoming myself racist by generalising
we must control our anger but its not easy cuz u guys in america must see a lot of things happening that we dont see happening much in france or england
but racism still here but not as obvious
i relate to you on many pain points as i was adopted in a white family..which was a blessing on many aspects of my life
but we need to realise as well that many amongst the black community do the same on their own community..and in many parts of the world
plus as many are commenting, theres always positive to see in our lives and millions of blessings from our Creator. I am proud to be black and i dont care anymore being called an oreo (for being”white inside”as some may say). who cares
As long as I am pleasing to the One and only that fashioned me in perfection. all praise is to our creator who made us beautiful,beautiful skin,beautiful hair ect
plus on more point, we need to see that millions of ppl all around the world wether black or white, asian or arab are treated the same even worse
look at some indians r being treated by their follows indians just because they r black and called “the untouchable”these guys cant be married off cant mix with th and have to clean uppee castres “toilet”by hand! so yh millions on this plannet r suffering
But our life is a test n we hv no matter what act in a way that is pleasing to our Creator
This article is about the author feeling justified in being an angry black women. It is not meant to be celebratory. There’s a time and place for everything.
This article makes it seem like being black is all about pain, after you give birth to your son your thinking about how terrible his life will be because hes darker?? Shes angry but still better off than most black women. yes we have a painful existence but, there’s also so much beauty in our culture and lives, thats why people think our culture starts with slavery and ends with rap music. we dont celebrate who we are, and what we were as a people.
#WhiteTears isn’t the same as Black Oppression.
Being called “cracker” isn’t the same as being considered a thief for the color of your skin and less human. There’s mocking, then there’s dehumanization. Should she just let that go, let those experiences go, even though they dictate how she’ll live or if she’ll be alive the next day?
Want Black people to stop expressing the way they feel, then stop telling them how to feel. Stop being demeaning to them so they don’t feel like less of human.
Now, fuck off.
Dominique,this is so very powerful thank you for sharing .l agree completely with what you said. However I believe a change is coming for our people and we will be free from this degradation and repression that is slowly bleeding us of life . I share some of your anger because l too have seen,heard, witness and experienced similar. I have been frustrated and at a loss until recently . l have started researching online,learning more about my history ,listening to those black leaders both past and present who are trying to make positive changes to improve the lives of black people. I have bought many fantastic books by black authors that have empowered me and help me to see that our struggle isn’t anything new but the fight goes on. Read Assata’s autobiography and For us the living by Myrlie Evers…. Go onto YouTube and watch the hundreds of choice videos about who you are and why you are being repressed ,you will be surprised when you learn the truth . A greater understanding of oneselve helps to desolve anger. Actively doing something will change you.x
When an individual, be it a child being bullied at school or adult experiencing domestic violence ,verbally,physically or emotionally ,the impact of wrong doing is recognised immediately,they are never told not to feel hurt or feel afraid. While your intentions are good, we must not tell are sister not to feel angry or hurt or anything else she feels, don’t invalidate her,because to do so means you are disregarding ‘HER’ personal feelings and concerns. They are her feeling and that ,you cannot control and tell her how to feel . For now our people are being victimised and abused…..we have a right to be angry but it going to change.xxx
Terrible article and a slap in the face to God. Are you thankful for anything? In ALL things, give thanks! Focus on your blessings, learn from your struggles and know that God has ALL POWER
Not everyone believes in God. . . .take it for what it is, and don’t tell her how to deal with her pain and life experiences.
So she can’t have emotions is what you’re saying? You’re clearly missing the point. The fact that you’re trying to cut her down by saying “are you not thankful for anything” is disappointing. The article isn’t about that. Would you speak about something else when you’re focusing on one topic? No, as it’s irrelevant and not pertaining to the subject. Whenever you’re feeling down or very upset, are you thinking about what your are thankful for, anyway? No, you live through that anger until it wears off like normal people. And what if she isn’t Christian? The fact that you’re belittling her as she lists her grievances makes it seem as if her problems are trivial. Stop.
She needs to let go. You let go of things when they happened in the past and does not reoccur all the time. The oppression of black people, black women is a ”thing” that is happening now and if we do not speak out we will still be opressed. Killing human beings black,white,green,blue should not be left alone and let go. Read ur history white people do not let o when they were treated wrong. The youngest person to die by death penalty in the US was a eleven year old black boy b/c he killed a white girl they did not let go then why should we?
hold on to your purpose and desire for change, but not hate. It clouds judgement, sends you to the grave before your time, and because of these things, makes it unlikely that you will be able to cause a positive change in the world. You let go to be at peace, effective, and purpose-driven. I feel Martin Luther King’s methods got more done than Malcom X.
But, why are police and people still killing Black people and getting away with it if Martin Luther King’s method works a lot more better than Malcolm X’s?
Why do you assume I act stupid towards other White people? I only get ignorant with people that are trying to justify what’s going on right now, and I do so regardless of race. I’m complex enough in thought to understand the difference between criminalizing everyone versus criminalizing those that deserve it.
And I feel like the author is probably no different. How did you read that out of this post?
she isn’t trying to justify the racism that’s happening in this country. I think she’s just trying to say that the only person who will continue to suffer from the hate following these encounters is the person holding onto it, i.e. the author of the article and everyone else who walks around nursing hatred that in these people’s minds have faded into the past. They probably don’t remember these things anymore than what shirt they were wearing on that day 10, 20, or however many years ago that was. your angry. I’m happy you were able to vent. It’s healthy. But it disturbs me for so many black women to walk around so pointlessly angry. If you’re not going to work on the situation and better the world, your anger is useless and affects no one but yourself. it was passed to you by senseless ignorant people and its a disease you let fester inside you, only to be passed on. Nothing about that sounds effective. And look at MLK’s methods rather than Malcom X’s. Who caused the most change?
So I should forget and brush off injustice because they already have? And we wonder why our community is not empowered. People like you stay busy turning the other cheek, continuing to get slapped because you’re too busy trying to be righteous rather than helping those of us who ARE angry to make change.
I’m not currently at a place in my life where I can make major change, but I do what I can–marches, speaking openly about my experience, writing. I have a whole list of things I plan to do once I’ve obtained my education and gotten to where I want to be. What are you doing to make things better?
Both MLK and Malcom X effected change, so your argument is null. Non-Black people preferred MLK’s philosophy because it was less intimidating, not because it was better. I often wonder if what MLK did has really had a lasting effect. We can vote, but what good does it do when the districts are gerrymandered as hell? We’re still being harassed and murdered, so achieving peace is out. Oh, we can safely go to school with White children, where we’re generally ignored and assumed to be stupid. Great.
I’m not to trying crap on the man’s legacy, but the changes he made didn’t stick because his audiences listened to the wrong words in his speeches. I think we need to start being a bit more intimidating–it seems to be helping right now.
Sorry, but how is her anger pointless?
I am not assuming anything about you because I do not know you. I speak in general terms about my experience and not allowing negative ones to shape the way we as a people in general dictate reaction.
Love this.
This seriously makes me cry because I went through similar racist and sexism experiences except for the husband and son part . I’m single and not pregnant but I fear the day I get married and have a kid because I will experience that. I feel is black woman have every right to be angry ! It’s hard being BLACK and a WOMAN . I felt each word she wrote . It broke my heart.
This is soooo deep ?
I felt that ladies pain because I feel angry myself and when I speak to people they tell me that I am aggressive. I have my children and I am told that we are free from slavery but how comes I don’t feel completely free. I want my children to live their dreams if they choose to. Although I know they will have to fight or else those dreams will be taken away by society and its perceptions of us as black people. I know my dreams were somewhat this way. I pray for our young people that they do not get caught up in this lie that we are unimportant. Because our lives matter, everyone should matter no matter what the colour, shade, creed or qualification, we are one people, one nation, created by one creator. I agree that forgiveness is very important but I feel the more we forgive the more they hate us and persecute our race young people, old people, graduates, people as a whole. I keep praying for this nation of ours. We all have things in common we are human first, with a heart, blood running through our veins and we all love someone in this world, so we know how to love. Firstly, we need to love one another. But can we? Will we? That is the ultimate question.
Girl, I don’t know if what I’m going to tell you is going to help but anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s poisonous and harmful for you soul and your health. Nobody can make you feel less than if you don’t think that you’re less than. Actually, we’re all human beings on this planet and we’re all equal. Different but all equal. We all come from nature and Mother nature doesn’t discriminate. So don’t think that you’re less than anybody else because of those experiences that happened to you or in your environment.
Now, you’re going to tell me that I don’t know what you’ve suffered but I’m a thirty black woman too. So some of the things you’ve lived, I’ve lived them too. One of those experiences was so terrible for me that it took me some time to get ouf of it but I’m still here and still loving me, myself and the rest of the world despite of what happened. Speaking of this, I know of someone who was beaten to death in the streets for no apparent reason than being there, you wouldn’t believe how loving and compassionate this person still is. It’s how we react to those events that makes the difference not the event in itself. So if you can release the anger, pray, meditate, turn to the universe. Take care of yourself, show love,compassion, happiness, kindness around you, take care of your beautiful son and show him life is wonderful because you wouldn’t want him to believe that the world is an awful place to live. It is not. Hope this help.
Take care
Wow. That was deep. People are always going be negative to anyone no matter what color they are. That doesn’t mean you have to be an angry black woman. You can choose to rise above it and live your life. It seems like she is holding to feelings that need to be let go of.
If we let outside experiences dictate our attitude toward people and life then we are puppets to those experiences. I understand injustice and it boils me too, but I also understand that man is not without fault and it looks different in everyone, just some are more potently outward expressing their faults while others have secrets that could kill. Forgiveness is so important in living a free and joyous life! It doesn’t excuse poor behavior or decisions by people but it definitely makes us face why we are angry and upset and we walk through those feelings and move on to the next moments that God has for us! Unforgiveness is a dark and lonely place and joy is a gift we all have access to, just some choose to embrace it and others don’t. My hearts desire is that people would learn to forgive even the most heinous sins committed against them to discover the strength of forgiveness and letting go! ?
It’s kinda hard to forgive someone when they don’t want to stop the harm they’re doing to you, even if it means killing you. I’d like to let my feelings go, but not if it mean letting my life go. #blacklivesmatter
Very deep, I can defintely relate but she should know that anger inside of her will break if her if she doesn’t let go
So because foolish and ignorant people made you feel like you’re less than, a piece of dirt is why you are angry? So they won. These arrogant people you come across in life got the better of you. That’s why we have examples like Solomon Northrop, Rosa P. and Harriet Tubman to reference – brave souls who went against the grain and refused to believe they’re too stupid to learn and become great. It takes courage to stand alone and bear through pain but it makes you stronger. If you allow your anger to swallow your spirit of independence then you make the haters smile.
How do you know that our leaders of the past did not feel the same way she feels? Have you ever listened to Malcom X? How do you know she isn’t already standing alone and bearing through the pain? Have you never been angry?
I think they were angry. I think that anger pushed them to strive for changes that would empower and enfranchise us. Malcom X was angry. I am angry.
I have stood alone and born the pain of my current existence in a small city in the state where Mike Brown was murdered. I stood alone and bore the pain of hearing and experiencing things similar to the author’s. I have been the only Black woman in an office of all White women–ignorant, petty, occasionally and casually racist White women.
I have watched and defended my younger brother from predatory, older White women with “Mandingo” fantasies. I have worried about his visits to the all-White small towns that some of the girls he dated lived in. We lived in a small, all White town growing up, and I couldn’t take him to middle school without being tailed by a cop.
I have been used as an experience, heard that I am “pretty for a Black girl”, and suffered mistreatment at the hands of my preceptors and peers.
You’re damn right, I’m angry. And I have a right to be, just like the author. Do you know about Tamir Rice?
How are you not angry?
I’ve been wronged in the past and I’ve learned to not allow negativity to shape me. It’s why I read other people’s experiences and yes I know all the people you spoke of. My anger isn’t justified because not everyone is horrible – it’s a select few compared to population. Dealing with stupid people doesn’t give me the right to act stupid towards others.
“So because foolish and ignorant people made you feel like you’re less than, a piece of dirt is why you are angry? ”
But, is it a bad reason to BE angry? Ignorance and foolishness has done a LOT of terrible things, it’s the fucking reason why there are racist killings and why people are thought less for their gender and race. How can that shit NOT make you angry? What are you supposed to feel? Nothing, peaceful? That makes no sense.
And just because someone is angry does not mean they’re defeated.
Anger is an emotion, not an action.
I’m sure Harriet Tubman was very angry about slavery, not NEUTRAL.
I get it and relate to all of her adult experiences.
That’s deep! ??
I’m crying.
Wow, all the way back to 5. We really hold on to ish huh?
Sorry your Black hurts you so much… 🙁
This is so sad. I can’t wait for the day revenge is taken but even when we paint the ground with their blood the wounds still won’t fully heal.
so painfully true
Some of this is confusing but I applaud it overall.
This is the sad truth. I like how she pointed out the problems from both sides.
Thank you for posting this piece. The pain was palpable…
i understand and can relate to alot of her experiences; i may even be justified in feeling angry but i refuse to be angry. anger erodes and is worse on me than others. instead i make a choice not to be angry and channel those emotions in constructive ways
Because we were born.
So true it hurts.
so true.
I understand