by
Black Girl With Long Hair
A reader submitted the following email;
Hello, BGLH. Here’s my question (I would appreciate it if you kept me anonymous): What if you don’t like what’s growing out of your scalp?
I am 5 months natural and I big chopped without a transition. My hair is currently close to three inches long. For the first few months after my big chop, I kept it shaved down because I wanted an easy style that wouldn’t leave me feeling overwhelmed. And then I came to blogs like this and saw the marvelous results of other women that had their curls grown out. Since then, I’ve been diligently keeping the shears away from my hair with the hopes of obtaining a gorgeous medium-length by this time next year.
But as my hair has grown, I am feeling very uncertain about its texture and tendencies. Actually, it’s three different types of textures (soft curls, coarse strands, and straight-like frizz) and despite the fact that I have bought products to make it work (even hennaed my hair to get excited about my new journey), I’m feeling rather sad and frustrated because I only like my hair when it’s manipulated with gel into clean curls. Otherwise, on it’s own I feel that my TWA looks messy, unsexy, and… nappy.
I think what’s especially hard is that going into this, I had no idea what to expect. My hair has been relaxed since I was about two years old (I am 23 now) and even my mom can’t remember my natural texture (she told me that the main reason she relaxed my hair so early was because it was “difficult to manage”). But I took a risk because I desired something new for myself. Now I’m not so sure if this was a good idea. I now understand why so many women change their hair; if their natural selves make them feel haggard or unattractive, it makes sense why so many women stick with relaxers. And I’ve considering going back.
So again I ask: what if you don’t like the hair that’s growing out of your scalp? Do you force yourself to like it, or do you just accept what you feel (much like how I know I’ll never like mushrooms no matter how many times I try to)?
84 Responses
My brother suggested I might like this blog. He was entirely
right. This post truly made my day. You cann’t imagine just how much time
I had spent for this information! Thanks!
All I have to say is that “All of you ladies are awesome”!!! When I initially read the post, I thought it was a legitimate question that deserved to receive some encouraging responses. But I was afraid that when I moved further down to the responses that they may be pretty harsh. I have to say that all of you ladies were awesome in your responses. You were so very encouraging, it is just phenomenal!! I am just starting to grow out my perm and I found this blog. I will definitely be reading this blog a lot because you ladies are just AWESOME!!!!!
Thank you!
it seems to me that ur issue is not natural hair vs relaxed hair, but a struggle to accept what is naturally urs. You say you just don’t like what is growing out of your scalp, were you not aware of how your natural hair looked before you relaxed your hair? so many girls go natural hoping for a particular texture of hair. the fact is your hair texture is unique to you. either you love what is “growing out of your scalp” or just accept that u don’t love some things which are natural to a black person. may not understand the struggles of someone going natural because I have been natural all my life, but I am just choosing to share my opinion. and when i say natural, I have had no chemical or heat alterations to the texture of my hair, and I have very tight kinks in most parts of my hair. Now I have dread locks, but i am open to change however it has never crossed my mind to process my hair in any form
lol@ Stephanie-very very well said!
What keeps you happy and sane, is the right thing to do. You dont have to be natural just because you are black. If relaxing your hair keeps you happy, then go for it!
Do you..:) God bless you.
What makes *you* feel most like yourself?
Do that.
Experiment.
Take a chance.
But do what makes you feel at ease.
(I chopped my hair off and dyed it black and pink three years ago,
and it is more me than any natural color or long cut could be.)
Hi, there. I know it is very discouraging when your hair doesn’t seem to look right. I felt the same was when I transitioned to natural. I have seborrehea dermatitis and I suffered from patches of hair falling out and severe itchiness. I did not feel attractive and the products that I used only served to dry out my hair. But, I did not give up and I keep trying products (along with my prescription from my dermatologist). Now, I have hair that is a little below collar bone length and it is soft and curly. I get compliments on how “good” my hair is, and I am amazed at how much healthier my hair is. Try using products with mostly natural ingredients, no sulfate shampoo, and natural styling aids, like aloe vera, shea butter, and jojoba. It is basically trial and error. Take care!
WOW! I couldn’t agree with you more. I also have seborrhea dermatitis and I can concur with all that you have said. Although styling and care is a big part of hair maintenance, using the right products can make the difference between GREAT hair and damaged hair. When I first transitioned 4 years ago I didn’t know a thing about hair care. My hair was dry and breaking off constantly. I NEVER got any compliments on my hair unless I slathered it with gel to get it to curl up. I learned about sulfate free shampoos and moisturizing conditioners. I kept trying different natural shampoos and conditioners until I found something that was right for me. I am glad that I stuck in there and experimented. My hair has grown by leaps and bounds and now I look and feel better. Using the right natural oils as a pre poo helped my hair and I deep condition every other week. My “magic” oil is coconut oil. My hair responds positively to coconut oil based products. Find your “just right” products and watch your hair change for the better. I wear my hair in two strand twists most of the time and sometimes twist outs. Don’t let other people’s negative comments hold you back.
[img]http://bglhonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/Image0.jpg[/img]
I love your hair. It’s very pretty.
First of all, please don’t make this into some huge self-esteem issue. It is your hair, not your soul! If you want to perm it, then perm it! People who preach about being your authentic you and recommend therapy or deeper soul searching are often hypocrites. Are they 100% natural? The way God made them? God didn’t make us with makeup already applied or with deodorant under our arms. He made us butt naked and ashy!!! So everything we add to beautify ourselves is extra. I have worn my hair in all kinds of ways: permed, in a fade with a texturizer, and now completely natural. My hair grows quickly and stays healthy no matter what I do (because I take good care of it). So when I did a BC 5 months ago it wasn’t because of some big spiritual journey, it was because I didn’t feel like perming it anymore. I did it in 2007 also and donated 11 inches to Locks of Love. I chopped off about the same length this time in stages over a few weeks until it was bald, lol. I love my hair and I love playing with new things. But like other readers have said it isn’t always easy or fun. This is the first time that I have grown it out completely natural (I wore it short the other 2 times with a texturizer), so there is a lot of adjusting going on here! I have days where I just give up and throw on a hat but most days I have gotten it under control with the right products. Kinky-Curly is my saving grace. Anyway, bottom line, my advice is to give it just a little longer and really experiment with a few different products (Kinky-Curly, Miss Jessies, Janelle Beauty’s My Natural Curl). You gotta find out what your hair likes and then maybe not only will you like it, but you may just LOVE it! If not, no biggie, head to the salon and relax it back into submission! LOL! I relaxed my 11yr old daughter’s hair last year because she was not cooperating with the natural hair thing and I didn’t want to end up in jail after yet another early morning brawl over her hair! She loves it, it is healthy and I am sane!!! It is what it is!!! Love what makes you happy!!!!!
Ok…maybe I don’t understand but….what’s wrong with adding product? Didn’t you add product (some sort) when you were relaxed? I did! I used oils and cremes and gels and now becuase I’m natural I shouldn’t? I use Kinky Curly after I cowash DAILY. I need the moisture. I wash and go and love it and adding product allows me to have the moisture I need.
You also have to give your hair TIME to adjust to being natural. You didn’t have a wrap the first time you did it. Your hair had to be TRAINED. I see it the same way with being natural. when I did the BC 2 years ago my hair looked NOTHING like it does today. It was a frizzy mop. No moisture, split ends. I educated myself, used the correct products after I did some research and it’s beautiful now. Hey, don’t get me wrong. I still have bad hair days because that’s life. Don’t feel bad for using product.
Look, if you don’t like your hair, do whatever you feel like doing to make you like that…color it, relax it, it’s all you. Don’t feel compelled to stay natural if you don’t like the way that it looks like on you. I love my hair natural, and at it’s best I loved it relaxed too, but I’d be a liar if I said that I liked everyone’s natural hair or if I would be as happy switching what I have for anyone else’s. I think someone else said it, and I’ll also say that I think that a lot of people’s relaxers look pretty awful too. It’s all about finding the regimen that works best and lets you and your hair look best. I mean, a lot of it has to do with your ability to manage it too, b/c if you struggle with it, the end results might not be that good. However, you have a right to wear it however you want no matter what…frizzy, relaxed, 3 textures. It’s all good b/c it’s how you were made. But if you’d rather straighten it, that is okay too.
Well, if you’ve been relaxing since two, one can see why it may be harder for you to accept your authentic self…you’ve never known your natural hair, you’ve never had to see it, deal with it, or figure out how to care for it. Kudos to you for having the courage to forge ahead into this unknown world. My hair also has 3 texture, soft waves in the front, bone straight in the middle and coils in the back. It has not been easy, but I committed myself to this relationship with my natural hair.
Most of the success stories you see on hair board have been reached through much trial and error. Just like the graduate who was living on ramen noodles and crackers, nobody sees the sacrifice, they only see the reward. You will have to go through your own trial and error to be a success story. Do not give up on yourself or the reward that awaits you.
Transitioning your hair from relaxer to perm is an emotional roller coaster. Sounds like you might have the same texture as me and it took me some time (YEARS!!!) to get used to it. And I’ll be honest I’m still learning. When I went natural these types of blogs didn’t exists and there were no hair salons dedicated to natural hair (you should ask around for a place in your area. They can be your cheering squad). In any case, I only happen to come on this site b/c I was fustrated with my own hair and was ready to shave it off. I googled “natural hair” or “black girl shaved head” and one thing lead to another and here I am reading and learning. My hair as a “wash and go” is not for me but when my hair was relaxed it was the same thing. Our hair requires time, love and care. Don’t go back to the relaxer just yet. Give yourself some time, play around with hairstyles and I think you’ll be happy with the choice to go natural. Good Luck.
If its not for you than its not for you. Contrary to popular belief your not committing some ungodly sin if you don’t choose to wear your hair natural. Didn’t read any of the comments so this may have been previously stated, but have you tried simply pressing it for now, before going to something ‘permenant’ like a relaxer. That’s kind of what I did until I got used to my texture and learned how to take care of it. And comparing your natural to somebody’s else will only frustrate you. Your hair is ours. Do what works for you.
I am really sad for you because on an intrinsic level, your issue is around self-acceptance. Have you considered therapy? I am a proponent of it, as it may help to have an objective perspective, maybe you can find a therapist of color….
She described almost exactly what my hair is like. “Straight-like frizz” is a discription I have been looking for to describe a part of my hair. I absolutely love what God gave me. I just wish she could as well. I have no advice to offer this young lady or anyone who chooses to relax. I’m unsure why relaxed girls talk so much game about being relaxed. Most of them wear weave or couldnt hold a hairstyle to save their life. I also dont get why we hold natural hair to a higher level of expectation. Like it has to be perfect all the time. We have good hair days and bad ones. Its just hair ladies.
Real talk: Nobody is going to come after you if you go back to the perm. Even if you choose to stay natural but flat-iron or blow-dry to even out your textures…NOBODY is going to be beating down your door demanding that you accept what you’re not ready to accept.
The only thing I ask is that you not diss others’ ability to accept what naturally grows out of their head by saying things like, “I tried to go natural, but my hair’s just too crazy!” That kind of response is what the rest of us have to fight against from all the black people (men and women) who can’t deal with natural hair on women. Admit that the problem is with you and not your hair…whether it’s lack of skill, lack of mental readiness, lack of confidence, etc.
I understand what the writer is talking about!! I sometimes feel the same hoping that my hair would look different, it would some how curl and I would not have a “wooly” texture!! It especially hurts when people would ask “What are you doing with your hair” Once someone asked me if I am not going to comb my hair!!!
It took me a while to deal with how my hair looks.. If I want to “TYPE” it its not a 2 (wavy) or a 3 (curly). Its a 4c which is tends to be dry and even harder to manage because it does not clump and curl like other types, but It is Mine… I am learning to love it. I agree to with LBell as she made the point of how people still can not deal with natural hair and because other races react sometimes badly when seeing this type of hair.. I and many others still are trying to deal with this type of hair.
I’ve decided to continue to care for my natural hair and not use relaxers. It would be a task as I would have to deal with my and other’s perceptions of natural hair but I think the writer would need to take her time and deal with these issues. In time it would become easier as a wealth of information is available in books and the internet, it would just take time to understand what is presented and how to use the information. It can be done.
As a former Black woman with long hair, I would definitely embrace my natural locs if given another chance. All of my life I enjoyed long hair, as a child in braids and later in my adult life sporting shoulder length straight permed hair. In 2007 I noticed a small bald patch and by 2009 in spite of great medical care, I’ve loss 90% of all hair on my entire body due to a mysterious autoimmune condition called alopecia areata. Although my head is a smooth as the back of my hand and I know that my cosmetic choices are not to blame, I have affirmed that if I ever see hair grow back on my head I will wear it in its natural state. Natural Sistas, wear it proud and wear it loud. There is no stigma for rejecting chemicals. And for those Sistas that like the straight look and the weaves and wigs, don’t be afraid. My greatest liberation has been to sport my bald look everywhere. I am grateful to be healthy and free.
You should look on sites like “hi-imcurrentlyobsessed.tumblr”, “blkgirlsrock.tumblr”, and “lecoil.tumblr” for hairspiration pictures of models with the same hair texture as yours. Then save them on your computer and go back and look at them whenever you’re feeling bad about your own natural texture. Sometimes you need to see your own physical features look beautiful on somebody else before you realize that they also look beautiful on you.
Her hair sounds just like mine as well. ( and @ Michelle Hubbard – my hair is the same way when I had a relaxer, thin).
I also have those 3 diff textures going on and I cannot seem to find the right combo of products to manage my hair.
The difference being I don’t hate my hair or care if people think it looks nappy. After keeping it short (with 2 cuts), which I loved, I have decided to just let it grow. So whatever it does, is what it does, I am just working on keeping it healthy.
My hair in the back is growing longer and faster than the rest of my head, so it looks like I have a freakin’ shag (which I kinda hate), but I don’t want to cut it. I pat it flat and round and keep on moving. I have no idea what I am doing style-wise but I am enjoying the freedom, nonetheless.
:o)
Coincidentally, I just posted a couple videos about this very topic on my youtube page with advice that I would give someone who is contemplating going back to a relaxer. I have been natural for over 3 years now and it hasn’t been easy street straight through. I definately understand what you (and others like you) are going through because I’ve been there. Even now, I still have frustrating days with my hair but the difference now is that I no longer find relaxers tempting. This is because I had to go through a mental transition as well as a hair transition. The state of your mind concerning your hair is an important part of your perception of what is beautiful. It’s a process and only time will allow you to work through the kinks. I too have different curl patterns on my head so I know how annoying it could be when you’re trying to get a certain look and it’s not coming out right. To this I say, trial and error until you master the technique that works for your hair.
For more advice, you can check out these videos I made on this topic. I’ll post the links below. I wish you all the best regardless of whatever decision you make.
So You’re thinking about getting a relaxer…Part 1
So You’re thinking about getting a relaxer…Part 2
a) I’d encourage you to like it. Play around with different styles. Try some coil-outs, twist-outs etc. to get the look you desire. Make sure you condition your hair with Aubrey, NTM, or something of good quality. Maybe get some braids sso your hair can grow out a bit.
b) But, if you’re truly not comfortable with the hair you’ve got, change it back. There’s no point in being natural and feeling miserable. I know this girl who has been naturalfor a few years and HATES it. What’s the point??
You’re supposed to be natural b/c you like it…it makes you feel good. You’re not obligated to be.
I’m gonna be real, I understand COMPLETELY what the reader is going through. Another thing the frustrates me are the products to help “Natural Hair”. Black women have various types of natural hair and once again, IMO, the products are not marketed to those of us with coarser hair types.
I get frustrated because unless I blow my hair out, it snaps right back. This is my second time going natural, so I know that if I relax it, it would be past my ear, almost bob length ( I learned that when i went back to a relaxer, I expected a Halle Berry short cut, after the relaxer I felt my hair hit my chin, who knew). But I don’t want another chemical in my hair.
Two weeks ago, I did a skin patch test to see if I can dye my hair. Not only did my skin break out, but the hair that I had saved from the comb when I washed my hair (when I condition), did not change. So that means that I would have to STRIP my hair color in order to color my hair. The point was for me not to have any chemicals. Not to mention the chemical smell of ammonia freaked me out. I can’t do it. So I will have to darken the gray hairs with a rinse.
That is frustrating because the only thing that works to soften my hair is pure shea butter that a friend from Africa creates, plus conditioner washes. I deal with my hair feeling dry and looking lackluster. I want the shine.
I purchase the book “Thank God I’m Natural” that has been a big help. Blogs such as BGLH, Vlogs, YouTube, a host of Natural Hair Care entrepreneurs have help make this a better ride. But there are days when your hair just won’t act right…
That’s when I use a headwrap and call it a day! Thank God for headwraps, makeup and funky earrings! LOL!
Whomever wrote this has my hair type…lol It’s not the kind of hair type that grows into a BAF(Bad Ass Fro)…My hair kinda looks wavy in some places, curly in some place and some parts stick up straight with frizz like an old relaxer. I think the reality is that when you use a relaxer on this hairtype..the relaxer only makes it worse. My hair was thin and limp..like fine hair with a relaxer. Try new styles that give you volume once your hair grows out more..you may want to consider some pretty twist extensions untill your hair grows a couple of inces.:)
It’s all about styles.
Let’s dispell this myth. Everyone with relaxers doesn’t look good. Everyone with weaves doesn’t look good. Everyone with natural hair doesn’t look good.
The length and the shape of your hair may not fit your face. You may need to grow it out. You have to find what works but I can assure you of this. You don’t look bad because of the texture of your hair. Just look at the photos on this site. Some people look good or even better than relaxed and some people don’t. Mainly because they need help with styles. I said all that to say don’t give up!
The first time I BC’d I had like 2 inches of hair and I looked horrible!! I cannot wear short hair! I had always had long hair but I couldn’t wait to be natural.
The second time (and last!) I transitioned I waited a year! I love my natural hair. Now I contemplate why I had a relaxer at all.
I definitely was hardcore on the blogs and not seeing that many super thick haired chicas, like myself, so I had delusions about what my hair might possibly, maybe look like (which should not have been the case b/c I was natural in college and knew the deal), what styles I’d be able to do, etc. Once I chopped, I was a little disappointed too.
However, I did a little Fotki perusing and found some folks who were doing cool styles on there with my texture, there’s also a few tumblrs out there as well.
I think the biggest thing is figuring out the right products. When I was natural in college, my hair was thick, dry and unmanageable, so I went back to natural. But this time, once I figured out the right products to keep my hair, which is beyond thick, moisturized, it all of a sudden became manageable.
Give yourself some time to learn your hair, it definitely gets better.
The wonderful about natural hair is its ability to transform. When you relax your hair, there’s only one way for it to be – straight. However, when you are natural, your hair can be a reflection of the state of your body, the state of your scalp and the way you treat your hair. And that’s a beautiful thing. My advice to you is to focus on making your body and scalp healthy, and focus on finding a healthy hair regimen that works for you. Until you have those factors optimized, you can’t know what your best hair is.
With that being said, I want to add that your best hair is a result of your genetics, the way that God made you and I believe in my heart that each of us are beautifully and wonderfully made. Accepting your natural hair, whether it kinks, coils, or curls, is a major step in accepting yourself the way you are and having the freedom to just be. So don’t give up. It can be a rough journey but at the end of the day, it’s a learning experience and when you learn to create wonders with your own hair, just the way it grows, you self confidence will be higher than you’ve ever known.
Stay positive. We are all rooting for you.
This isn’t a matter where you can get over it quickly. Self acceptance of your hair takes time especially since you are a newly natural. I think you need to wait it out and stay the course like others have mention because this is still the beginning stages for you. Because there is no quick fix, other than to accept what grows out of your scalp and wait for the length you desire. But I want to say this to you as a fellow new natural KILL THE EXPECTATIONS. Just because you saw other women’s natural hair and how it grew/their texture doesn’t mean you will get the same results their journey is different from yours just like their hair. When you go online or look at others hair it is okay to admire it and inquiry but at the same time you have to be realistic for your hair and goals. Because if you are hoping and wishing you get a hair texture you don’t have then you are going to be sad and disappointed. I think you are still getting use to being natural, learning your hair/regimen, and mastering styles. But hey, if you aren’t happy at the end of the day after you waited you can always go back to relaxing if you so choose. You only have one life so do what works for you and live it.
I love my hair, but I don’t always like it. I accept it for what it is though. Curls are lively like that. It’s multi-textured, messy and nappy. I don’t think that makes it inherently “un-sexy” though. Some days I like to be a pretty mess. On the days I don’t, I put it in an orderly hairstyle. I love each individual curl, but no, they don’t all look good together all of the time. Sometimes, I’m just in need of a haircut to make it look more pleasing 🙂
If you like a uniform look, you have many choices other than wild and free hair. You can become queen of finger/comb coils, braids, twists, roller-sets, or locs. You just have to learn how. It’s your hair. Do you.
The thought that there is inherently something wrong with your natural, healthy hair that can ONLY be solved through permanent chemical intervention sounds like a problem though. Solve that the way you’d approach any other problem that your mind creates, with patience and the guidance of someone(s) wiser and trustworthy.
if i were you, i would tough it out for atleast a year…hopefully you will learn to love your hair, especially with more length and styling options available to you…after that, if you really need straight hair, you could try pressing or flat-ironing it and see how that works…and if you dont like that, if getting a relaxer will make you happy, get one. and if you ever want your natural hair back, then you can transition again…its hair, it will grow back…every thing happens for a reason, it’s due season…perhaps you arent ready for the mental and physical changes that accompany going natural and shedding the previous thoughts we had about natural or relaxed hair, but possibly one day you will be…good luck on your journey 🙂
Sagefemme your post should be printed out and put on the bathroom mirror for all new and disgruntled naturals. Powerful words.
Patience is a virtue girl even when dealing with something that would seem so simple- as transitioning your hair. If you want to stay natural long term (or at least you think you do) maybe try something in the meantime while your hair is growing like braids or something that make you feel more comfortable. Don’t be discouraged yet. Most of us have gone through these days. Some days I really just want to throw a wig on to be honest with you. Especially being in the entertainment business it’s really frustrating because when you have natural hair you don’t fit in the room with all the other weaved up girls. But don’t fret dear. And if you really wanna chop it off then do it! Who’s to say what you should and should not do. Do what you want. It’s your hair. Being comfortable in your own skin is the most important, I think 🙂
In my opinion you should consider or recognize that mentally transitioning is a big part of rediscovering your natural beauty or in other words how you really look. It shouldn’t be a struggle or for you to feel like you being forced to like how you were made. I would suggest to take a step back and evaluate what you think or see as being beautiful or feminine and why? Where do such standards come from? Continue to look in the mirror and stare at yourself and I mean really look at all of your features until you recognize the face looking back as you and you no longer see a problem. (i hope im explaining this right) but I would suggest to continue with your natural while doing research, searching forums on this same topic of self acceptance, or rock wigs until your mental transition is complete. hope all ends well.
Wow Chai, your comment was so beautiful!
Hey sis,
I know what you are going through and the most honest advice I can give to you is “Stay the course”. I say this because I have not seen you yet and I KNOW that you are beautiful. Let me vindicate your feelings for a while and let you know that a lot of us that have made the transition from chemically altering to flaunting our gorgeous natural tresses have felt the same way at some time or another.
NO ONE had anything positive to say about my new hair infact I felt so ugly at times due to the lack of praise and the negative comments that came from those that loved me most. It was at those times that I had to remember why I decided to go natural. I am proud of my african ancestry, I am proud of the fact that I have hair that is UNIQUE to any other race!!! I am proud, I am proud I AM PROUD 🙂 I remember how I admired and longed to be one of those girls that rocks her own hair in it’s natural state and now that I am one of them I can’t tell you how good it feels lady. So this is why I say stay the course, because the feelings that you are experiencing will not last if your resolve to love yourself in your natural state is strong. Those negative feelings are temporary, Love yourself sis and know that there are people out there that are rooting for you. Stay natural, Sagefemmemarron
As others have stated, it is way too early to know what your true texture is. I assume you only have 2 inches of growth, and with shrinkage, maybe 1 inch is “visible”?
However, if your hair is already showing its true nature, then learn to love it! At first it’s normal to be confused and a little unhappy with what’s growing out, but the more you learn to care for it, you will come to appreciate its one of a kind beauty. No 2 curlies are alike, so don’t compare yourself to anyone else.
One thing I can suggest is to try doing a co- wash regimine (fyi: only washing your hair with conditioner). When I use shampoo, my curls look “shocked” and disassembled, and my looser curls look even looser. One more thing, if you currently are using oils in your hair, you might want to switch to butters. I find oils make my hair stringy.
My advice is to wait it out. You said you had about 3 inches of growth. The way your texture manifests itself differently as your hair grows, so you may come to like your texture more as it grows. Also, there are ways to style your hair to make it more of something you’re satisfied with. Hair is versatile, so you can be creative!
I think that this is a journey of self love and acceptance which for most of us is brand new! I, too, would have loved to have discovered a head full of type 3c curls when I bc’ed but this was not the case, I learned to work with what I was given by the creator, after all, his hair was like lambs wool so I was in good company!
Whatever. This whole natural movement is just as much of a fad as Afros in the 70’s. The status quo of long, straight hair and Caucasian features still remains, the insecurity still remains, and INTERNALIZED racism doesn’t go away just because you change the OUTSIDE. Hate to sound negative, but it’s true.
While several women I’m sure have changed internally as a result of going natural, many women have not and will not. It does not mean one person is “better” than the other, but people need to realize that going natural does not always lead to self-acceptance, confidence, or appreciation of nappy hair and stop trying to force a certain type of journey on other women.
Black people all over the world have been enslaved and colonized, and oppressed for centuries. The psychological effects of racism have not gone away, and they sure as hell haven’t gone away just because a group of women decided to stop perming their hair within the past few years.
I see some women commenting to the author of the post, telling her to spruce herself up with makeup, push through to achieve her “hair goals”, etc. etc. None of this fixes the root issue, which is internalized racism. She feels ugly because she has nappy hair. Well newsflash: some people are going to think you’re ugly because you have nappy hair, because THEY have internalized racism too. You can’t lie to yourself. But who are these people? Do you want to be like them? The real issue is the perspective, and the philosophy behind it, not the hair.
You can also do different things with your hair at different lengths. I always have a hard time with my hair when it’s not short enough for twa, but it’s not long enough for a bun (or even two buns) – for years, i had difficulty at this stage, and then i finally just started pinning it back until it grew past that length, and now it’s great – so easy to manage, takes 10 minutes to detangle, easier to moistureize, etc. just the way i remember it from when i transitioned without going through a “short” stage.
Wow, interesting comments.
To the post author I say, give yourself some time and become informed about all of your hair care options. There is so much bad advice floating around on the Internet, it’s easy to understand why you might feel like there’s no hope. You have to learn what works for your curls before you decide you don’t want them around anymore. And like someone else said, don’t be discouraged because you can’t just wash n go. Beauty is all about options. We don’t say, “Oh my skin is uneven or breaking out – I better just deal with it instead of putting on makeup”. Or I’m short, but that’s how I was born, so I better not front by wearing heels”. That is so rigid and boring!
Granted, relaxers are a permanent choice and sodium hydroxide is used to clean ovens. We can’t deny the facts. I’m personally staying natural because my hair is very fine and really can’t take the harsh chemicals. I like longer hair, so I’m just doing what’s best for me.
My point is, give yourself time to learn more about your hair before you do anything. See if anything in this article applies to you… http://www.hairliberty.org/black-hair-care/articles/hair-care-secrets/hair-troubleshooting.html . Other than that, do what makes you feel pretty and confident.
This was a good question and I actually can relate to it. I’m still in the transitioning phase of my journey. Been off the relaxer for 7-8 months now. But managing these two textures…..is more than I can handle some days. And as I wash my hair,I notice the immediate shrinkage, look at the curl pattern and wonder…. Damn, I hope my hair texture will look different when I cut off the relaxed ends. I have my appointment scheduled for Saturday for the BC, so I’ll be looking forward to seeing my “natural” self for the first time in years.
There is a thing called scab hair and I think this is what she may be experiencing.
But, truth be told, I used to compare my hair to other naturals. I would question myself: “why doesn’t my hair curl like that” or “why doesn’t my hair lay like that”. I have 4b/4c type hair, it doesn’t lay down, it’s cotton-y, soft, and will stand up in a great big afro and I love it. After I learned to accept my hair for what it was, not a single person walking this earth could tell me anything :). And not only did I accept my hair for what it was, I also accepted other things about myself as well. This is more than about chopping hair off and dreaming that it grows a certain way, this is soley about defining your own concept of beauty….please give it time and learn to change the way that you think.
P.S.
It might also help if you take the time to do some research on products and styling techniques that might be better for your hair. Youtube is a great resource for that as are blogs like this. If you can find a decent natural hairdresser also they may be able to help you to identify your hair type (not by the number and letter system but rather in terms of fineness/courseness,porosity, etc.) and what your specific hair needs might be. This also made a huge difference for me.
Don’t give up! Feelings of insecurity about your hair texture by no means makes you a bad natural. There is no such thing as a human being that is 100% secure about anything. If there is I have yet to meet one ;-).
I agree with Ester80 and everyone else.
I just wanted to show my support as well to let you know you are not alone. As with ANYTHING that is new and different, it takes time (how much time varies from person to person). One thing that helped me before I even started wearing my hair out was the blogs and YT. Imagery is very powerful. I continue to check in on a regular basis, not only for support and education, but it keeps me motivated, inspired and has broadened what I consider beautiful. The people online and in my real life also play a significant role, luckily they were all very supportive. But like someone said, sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.
In the end, it’s all about what you think – just recognize how powerful outside influences can be.
One thing that might help is to start recording your journey, that might bring a new source of inspiration/focus (through pictures, a blog, on YT, fotki, or just to your friends/family).
that is a tough one for sure…….:
Honestly, I’m on the fence with this one because if you don’t really enjoy your texture or the appearance of your hair, it makes complete sense to change it……but I’m only against using realxers now cause I’m natural. So before that I probably would’ve said “go ahead! perm your hair!!!” I honestly would suggest weaves or braids….it’s just exspensive……
I think I saw it mentioned before, but perhaps you may need to give your hair some time. In my personal case most of the “issues” I had with my hair were resolved after I spent a few month of wearing braids. At three inches I can more than understand the frustration you must be feeling with regards to your texture as it is still quite short to become completely acquainted with your hair’s potential. This is not to say that you cannot continue to leave it out and not grow to appreciate it, but if you are feeling very strongly about your texture and are tempted to process it again it may be helpful to take a break from it (with braids, weaves, etc.) and then make a decision once you’ve gained some more length.
Tosha, I was thinking the same thing! I’ve only been natural a few months but I love my hair. I love each and every kink, curl, and wave. If I didn’t I would just go back to relaxing with the quickness.
If a person cannot find beauty in his or her natural hair with all of the blogs, vlogs, and variety of products available online and in stores then there is really no hope in that person’s mind changing.
You are stating that you hate the texture and the only way to change your texture is to chemically alter it or apply heat. So go for it! Do you girlfriend because life is too short to endure something you do not have to endure.
And go get your sexy back! lol.
My hair story is your hair story! I have those exact textures on my head, I got a relaxer when I was 6 years old, and 5 months after my big chop I only liked it some days. And even now, 10 months in, I prefer the way it looks after I’ve set it in braids or twists for a few days. There’s nothing wrong with that. I DON’T BELIEVE NOT LIKING WHAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU DO YOUR HAIR MEANS THAT YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF OR THAT YOU’RE SHALLOW. Everybody, straight hair or curly, does something to their hair before they leave the house. If I did a wash-n-go, my hair would be a dry, matted, tangled mess. So I would say just give it some time, keep doing whatever it is that you do to retain length, and don’t feel bad for having a preference about the way YOUR hair looks.
When I first big chopped, I hated the texture of my hair. Like yours, it had completely different textures in different area. Worst of all were the straight parts…ugh they bothered me to no end. It’s been about seven months since then and as I’ve been discovering my hair regimen, my texture has changed. There are still different textures, but they’ve all become far curlier. I’d say to just take time and play with products until you find what works.
Relax your hair and stop stressing about it. Enjoy life! And I say this as someone who has had nappy hair for about 15 years. Unless you are suffering some serious damage with the relaxer, consider it an experiment and go back to what you enjoyed. Nappy can be good for some and horrible for others. Why sweat it?
Just hold on tight as it will get better. When I first chopped my short hair was a bit frizzy/kinky but as it grew it became more curly still a bit kinky at the root but the ends are curly. I am saying this just to say that your hair will continue to change everyday of your natural hair journey. Don’t beat yourself up…learn to love what it naturally your own!
believe it or not, relaxers do cause deep damage.. just hang in there, you’ll start to understand that head of hair. trust me!
Re-examine your reasons for going natural. You may have chopped because you wanted something different, a lot of people do. But if you are going to stick with it and love your hair then you need more than a shallow reason. Honestly.
i agree with whomever said you need to change your thinking.
i have been natural for all but 4 years of my life (i’m 26).
i have “soft curls” (my hair is a combo of “3b” & “3c” & people often told me how “pretty” my hair was, and in my head i was just like “whatever”. b/c in my mind, i thought hair was supposed to hang, lay, or fall in a certain direction. i didn’t want straight hair b/c i wanted to honor a black/african-american type of beauty. a lot of times i wished my hair was nappier so that i could just rock a fro–a fro that would actually stand up like it was supposed to, instead of flopping to the sides of my head, or so that i could rock twists that stayed put.
a lot of times when you want my hair to stand up, it falls flat. when i want it to lay down, it poofs up or draws up.
that’s just the nature of having hair that isn’t straight.
it really is a matter of 1) deciding that it’s important enough to you to accept the hair that god gave you and 2) learning tools, styles, products, & techniques to keep your hair healthy and looking.
i truthfully did not find having a perm any easier, it’s just more prevalent and more accepted.
you have to learn to see the beauty in your hair.
i can’t speak for anyone else, but i swung back & forth between perming & not-perming through the years. its’ a personal choice. it can take time to accept your hair. you have to push yourself to broaden your concept of beauty. but at the same time, there’s no point in being uncomfortable in your own skin. if you perm it & decide to go natural again, you can just cut it back off.
OMG!! This sounds just like me when I went first went natural. I was so unsure of myself and what I wanted to do. It took me a long time to accept my hair as it is. It is not going to have large loopy curls but it does look great when I take care of it.
The main thing I was doing was focusing on what my hair would not do and not what it can do. I also put more emphasis on my hair and less on other aspects of my wardrobe and my accessories etc. This is not necessary but I think that the better you feel about your appearance overall and stop wishing for 3a/b curls all over the happier you will be. And by all means I hope your journey is not like mine of going back and forth from relaxer to natural..but if it is remember it is a hair journey and mind journey all the same.
If u don’t like nappy hair relax it!
Simple
my advice is to remember that you had your hair relaxed when you were 2 years old. you had no chance to get to know your true hair texture. so, see this as an opportunity to really get to know what your hair is and what it can do.
oops sorry for the typos but I hope you got my point 🙂
The care of natural hair is much like that of relaxed hair. You do not always wake up in the morning and have the most amazing hairstyles. It is what you desire it to be. I noticed you said that you do like your hair when it is in defined gel styles, well, maybe that is what you need to embrace or maybe get a protective style and let it grow out until you have more options. Hair does change over time. Give it time. I’ve been natural for 2 years and even now I come to days where I HATE my hair….just like I did when I was relaxed.
It takes time 🙂
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JC gave some excellent advice. I think also we underestimate the challenge of doing something new. If you took a brand new dance class you would never expect to achieve prima ballarina status in a few months! There’s always a learning curve with something new. Give yourself permission to get it “wrong” sometimes, and know things will get better. My martial arts teacher always emphasized that one o the reasons very few people reach their full potential is that they give up right before making a breakthrough! The pre-breakthrough period is often the hardest, challenging part. So to with the natural journal.
As another multi-textured head, trust me it gets better! I’ve learned to just work with the textures and realize that some parts of my head do better with bantus, some with twists, some just left alone to curl on their own and it’s all ok. Something that helped me in the beginning was simply wet setting my hair (either twisted or untwisted) with spiral rods for a more uniform look while I adjusted because I didn’t want to wear braids.
Be well.
I agree with Jc and I hope I don’t come off harsh, but to me this question is like asking “What if I don’t like my skin color?”, “What if I don’t like the way I was born?”…
You need to change your thinking…
I have been natural for 3 years and I still hate my hair. I don’t think everyone has to like their hair(regardless of race) but we do need to accept it. I accept my hair and do the best I can with it b/c it’s all I have. My sister hates her 12 sized feet too………
What a wonderful source of support all of you who have responded have been. The positive energy and love can be felt, I’m glad I’m part of this website.
This is a tough one! My suggestion is keep it simple at this stage, and revel in it as well. If you feel you don’t want to deal with hair at this time, wear braids for a while and think it over, it will also help in length retention. By the time the braids come down, you’ll know whether to relax or not. If you decide to keep it natural keep the following in mind:-
Be patient-It’ll take a while before you have really long hair and just as long to be your own styling guru!
Alot of people put emphasis on products but TECHNIQUE is even more crucial As you watch videos take note of what methods people use to do different things whether it’s detangling or twisting, braiding etc. Experiment in order to learn what works best for your hair. Stick with what looks good on you and fits your lifestyle
Finally, hair is just one part of your look, experiment with the other aspects such as makeup, how you dress and experiment with accessories to change things up. It will lift your spirits!
To the author I say that the mind is a powerful thing. Although you may never be able to change your palette, there is ALWAYS an OPPORTUNITY to change your thinking if you are willing to do it.
Accepting your hair comes down to a personal decision of accepting the woman in the mirror for who she is, kinks, curls and all. When I got my first BC, I thought I looked like a runaway slave. It wasn’t until my third BC and 3 years of self-healing and confidence-building that I came to accept my kinks as a beautiful extension of me. You can change your thinking if you are willing to go there and dig deep.
Now may not be the right time for you, but know that it definitely is a process. Although a mindset can be altered, it surely isn’t easy to do!
The first time I transitioned, I did the same thing. Just cut. What I didn’t realize then was what grew as a result was “scab hair.” It took 8months- 1 year later for all of the scab hair to grow and my “real” natural hair to surface.
Everyone else here is right … it could be a matter of product choice, or mind set, or time to adjust, or lack of good support, or even something like length. I guess I would argue that I’d give your hair at least a year to grow. If you need braids, or a wig, or weave until then, fine. Once a year has come, give yourself a month of experimentation: different styles, products, styling tools, etc. Then, reevaluate.
Just my opinion.
I always think of the popularity of the double-eye lid surgery among East Asians and Americans of Asian descent. So many people insist it looks better to have double eye lids a la non-East Asian and South East Asian races. Meh, it just makes my soul hurt that that this is how our world operates. That we have to change the way we look through damaging and hurtful processes to appeal to a standard that was created because one race got lucky and happened to have the guns, germs, and steel necessary for world domination.
I’m kind of on the opposite of this, because I remember I always hated my relaxed hair. It was always broken/damaged/short no matter what I did to it. I didn’t like the way it felt. It wasn’t me. I got my first perm at 4, so I never realized the true texture of my hair either, but I always knew that it was something “bad.” Compared to my cousins, for example, I definitely did not have the good hair. Shit is nappy.
When I first cut off my hair, I just felt so free. This feeling continued, and although I had days that were very frustrating, I was just impressed with my natural hair that it never got be down. I can say from the moment I cut off my hair until now, I have never considered/wanted to straighten my hair, no matter how many difficult days I’ve had. The alternative is hair that is damaged, un-me, and representative of conformity to beauty standards that are oppressive and racist.
I’d say, it’s your hair, and you should do what you want, but you’d be surprised what you can get used to and start to find attractive.
I agree with Latoya, most women manipulate their hair in some shape or form to get a certain look. I also think it may help if you let your hair grow out more, you may grow to love it (and I think you will). Plus sometimes long hair has more style options. Initially I wasn’t too thrilled about my texture, but as it continues to grow out I like it more and more. I also think that a relaxer is not your only option, you may not be in love with your texture, but you can disguise it by getting locs. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think women who get locs don’t like their texture, not at all. I just think that if you really don’t like the loose natural look, locs are an option.
I don’t want to try and force my beliefs on anyone, but I think you should hold off on the relaxer and give yourself more time to fall in love with your texture, even if you choose not to wear it product-free and manipulation-free.
I’m sorry to hear that you are so disgruntled with you hair. Sometimes the hardest thing about being natural is accepting our hair for what it is instead of what we envisioned it to be. Don’t give up on it just yet. You are still a fairly new natural. Keep on experimenting. Natural hair is not just about having relaxed-free hair, it is a mentality. It is a “journey”. A lot of natural sistas will tell you that it is indeed challenging at times but is also very rewarding. The key is working with your hair instead of trying to tell it what to do and sometimes that is a hard thing for any woman to accept. Keep working at it, you will find what works for you if you are determined enough. Give yourself time. I hope you will grow to love the hair that grows out of your head and realize that it is urs and urs alone. Cherish it. Good luck and I wish you all the best.
When I first went natural 5 years ago my hair too was unpredictable. It took 3 years to get my hair to place that I am satisfied with. Back in the day, we didn’t get our hair relaxed at such a young age. I was 14 when I got my first relaxer, so I had some idea of what my hair was like.
My texture is different than it was five years ago…more defined coils…much different than when I was 14.
Learning good haircare techniques is a must! Keep your hair moisturized and use products with a low ph. Find products and styles that work for you.
Give your hair sometime…you won’t be disappointed
first of all, i applaud you for your honesty. not everyone’s journey is an easy one. and fortunately, i’ve had bad hair days or weeks, but overall, i’ve liked my hair.
but luckily, you have options.
i transitioned for about 9 months before i BC’d, so i had a fairly significant amount of hair to manipulate. and yes, my hair currently has three differen textures, wavy in the front, coily on the right side, and cotton-y but gradually becoming more coily everywhere else.
you can try braids. or stretching your natural hair. or get a relaxer. it’s really up to you.
but i do have to ask: what is your natural hair support system like? i was (again) fortunate to have blogs and YT, but also found a natural hair community via twitter, my hair salon, and other naturals within my city and state. when i’m having a bad hair, i can call/text/fb/tweet someone and they’ll understand and at the very least give me words of encouragement.
you may want to think about your decision before your ultimately make it. but either way, you can get a relaxer and go natural again later. you may want to transition longer. it’s all about what works for you.
but good luck. seriously. i hope you post a follow-up once you make your decision.
http://msjanelle.blogspot.com
Going natural is something deeper than just hair. For myself I have always had low self-esteem from thinking I was to thick in the hips, lips to full, or skin to dark. I am a strong Holyghost filled Christian and I knew that the thoughts that I was having about myself were not of God. I did a lot of praying, fasting, and soul searching for several months. At the end of those few months I decided that I needed to see myself as my creator intended for me to look. I transitioned for 5 months and the whole time I was doing research on natural hair and all of the many textures. I feel in love with my hair before I even did the BC.
My suggestion to you would be to make it more than just about hair. You have to think about why is it that you went natural in the first place. It may also take you a little time to figure out what works for your hair as far as styling and products.
All in all do what makes you feel good whether that be keeping it natural or returning to relaxers.
Stay Blessed,
RLP
Ultimately, you need to do what makes u happy but I think you should seriously spend time sitting with this issue? Maybe its not about hair but self image, a matter of surrendering and accepting that this is what your hair is in its natural state a mix of textures and find the beauty in it because it is there and your hair is healthiest being itself rather then itching like hell as a relaxer is being applied. By the way you are not alone, transitioning is like withdrawal syndrome from drug addiction but instead its withdrawal from unlearning the unfair ridiculous delusional images society has planted on our heads about what is beautiful. Work with what you got find away to love what God gave you and I guarantee you will be very happy.
i think if you’re feeling unhappy with your hair one of the best things to avoid might be natural hair sites and blogs because it might feed your dissatisfaction with your own hair. what about taking the emphasis of your hair? can you play up your makeup? is you skin good? what about your figure or wardrobe? i’m just thinking maybe taking the emphasis off your hair and focusing on something else while your hair grows out might help. you might look in the mirror one day and realize you really like what you see. i agree with others, if it it’s getting you down opt for a style that makes you feel better. from personal experience i learned at actually “dealing” with my hair was the only way to learn it and what it likes so i personally don’t recommend braids or weaves for months. also do some positive self talk, as they say “fake it til you make it”…good luck!
Hi Beautiful!
The most unique and yet complex thing about your natural hair journey is that it is just that YOUR natural hair journey. Yes the suggestions and motivations of others is helpful in the process, and quite admirable. But you will always be the one standing in the mirror and taking in what you see before you.
AS difficult as is sounds/seems. The first thing you HAVE to do is understand that this is your beautiful self in all its unique glory. I know it sounds cheesy, but your “dissatisfaction” can only present itself when you are comparing yourself to what you think you should/could/would look like. This is not a healthy formula. Once you see the radiance you have naturally ANYTHING that adorns you will take on that same radiance. (from personal experience, i’ve noticed that on days that I feel my best i look my best, even if i know darn well I could have made it (my physical) “better”. This is always the most challenging part (and was/is for me as well). No one can tell you exactly HOW to do this, because the whole point is self-enlightenment. My suggestions:
1) identify exactly WHAT it is about your hair you’re not happy with (texture, length, color, etc). Put a label to that “thing”
2) Identify WHY you aren’t happy with that (its too course, too short, too dark)
(this next part is tricky b/c naturally you’d want to move on to want you’d prefer instead. but this means bringing in a look that is not your own. And that brings on comparisons. DON’T DO IT, YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!)
3) now that you’d identified your worries lets work with it! its possible. but to make this work you need to have FUN with it. Laugh at your mishaps. If you do a style that is not how you expected smile, shake your head, and wash it out.
My secret: I like to find little clips or flowers that i keep for these exact moments. Whenever i do a style that is a OMG, i pull this little feather clip I found out, and plop it right in my head on one side and fluff it my hair as best i can . The attention is on the feather and my hair is put in time out.
Lastly, ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE YOUR BIGGEST CRITIC! I can confidently say that anytime someone feels horrible about their looks, its is never horrendous. NEVER. Its your feeling bad that makes the “look” look “bad”. So pull those shoulders back, flash a smile, and know that your are you and thats all you can be.
Besides, anyone who can not see that beauty in you has an opinon that should not have the privi of holding your attention anyway.
I know this was passive, but I hope it helps
In Peace
I’ve been natural for a little over ten years and it took me ages to feel confident wearing my hair out. It all happened in stages..even looking back on pictures of myself, I can pinpoint my mindset at the time…whether I was feeling apprehensive, confident…growing into myself etc. I think the biggest misconception is that it all happened right away…that suddenly, once the shears do their job and all the relaxed hair is gone, a revelation occurs. For some, this happens. But all of our journeys are different…filled with different milestones and struggles. I stuck with it because I was sure this was what I wanted my future to look like…me with healthy hair at whatever age, and me passing that knowledge onto my kids (if i have any.) From learning about what products ‘work’ with your hair to our own personal perceptions about natural hair…takes time. Don’t beat yourself up and feel defeated if going back to the relaxer is what you want…all journeys are meant to be explored…a learning vehicle. but the biggest hope for all of us is to grow…yes? You learn a lot about yourself, peers, friends, family members as the years go on…the earliest are the toughest hurdles…but not insurmountable if you turn to support. Stay true to you.
I agree with Latoya
I say it’s too early to know for sure how it will turn-out. Just push through it and don’t give-up. My hair has changed over a thousand times and I’m only about 7 months in! Stop being mean to yourself…find a way to do it that you’re OK with. Let it grow and don’t be overcritical of yourself in the meantime.
Get over it and get over it quickly. The faster you get over it, the faster you will begin to enjoy your hair. Three simple things
1. Reprogram your mind. There is nothing wrong with your hair, there is something wrong with your thinking. Did you spot the only positive reference was to ‘soft curls’. Why do you not start finding compliments for the other parts of your hair……like beautifully thick and textured instead of coarse or soft fuzz instead of frizz. Compliment yourself everyday whether or not you believe it. In the end you will begin to believe it.
2. There is nothing wrong with using gel to style your hair. This is a staple daily styling product for many people with loose curls and waves. Just make sure that you use a styling gel which will not cause your hair to dry out or cause build up.
3. Can you please start reading this blog and others back to front. There are so many tips on how to manage a TWA and the feelings people have about a TWA (trust that you are not the first one to have walked down this road). For example, remembering the reason why you stopped relaxing, accesorizing to feel more feminine (scarves, earrings), working on your mental attitude, looking at other women with similar texture and hair length, styling for your length and texture………Now go read!
I say it’s too early to know for sure how it will turn-out. Just push through it and don’t give-up. My hair has changed over a thousand times and I’m only about 7 months in! Stop being mean to yourself…find a way to do it that you’re OK with. Let is grow and don’t be overcritical of yourself in the meantime.
I remember watching a youtube video where a vlogger stated that natural hair is about product placement. Most people have to manipulate their with their product of choice to get their hair to do what they want to do. No one washes their hair and it is suddenly perfect. The same is true with a relaxer. You can’t simply wash your hair and walk out the door. You have to add product and style with or without heat.
Why don’t you put in braids for some time and think about it. If you still don’t like your hair then relaxer. Ultimately, it’s your hair and your choice.
Tough one :-/ I fell in love with the journey of my natural hair (had a perm since i was 3 as well). I would suggest giving it time, but if that’s the mind-set that she is in already w/ negative thoughts/perceptions of her natural hair, maybe it’s not for her at this time.
I wanted to learn to love me for me, and un-do the societal affect/pressure of “mainstream beauty” that was pushed on me since my 1st relaxer, but i was also eager to make that happen. If you’re not at that point, then “it is what it is.” Everyone’s journey is unique.