By Andrea Henderson
The decision to go (or return) natural was quite by accident. I loved going to the beauty salon to let someone “deal” with my hair. However, I was getting tired of the long hours I spent there (even with a 9 AM appointment).
At that point in my life, I started to get “attached” to weaves. It did not matter which brand I bought, the stylist would gently but firmly scold me and suggest that I get something more expensive. I would sheepishly smile and say, “You DO know how much that Remy costs?” To which she would reply, “Well, you pay for what you get”. So I bit the bullet and bought two packs of Remy real braiding hair. Before I knew it, I had unknowingly transitioned for seven months! I noticed my hair was thinning and I needed to examine my real hair. I had “roots” and was excited, but I had a hard time dealing with the two textures — one straight and one curly. As I decided what to do, I had one more installment of precious Remy weave sewn in, waited a few weeks, and went to get another one put in. As I approached the salon, I noticed it was empty and a sign posted that said CLOSED FOR GOOD. I WAS SHOCKED! I called my beautician and she confirmed what I already knew. I went to another salon, but they did not know how to style my now natural hair and I was NOT getting it relaxed/texturized as they suggested.
So the next week I did a big chop! I felt liberated and terrified at the same time! I looked at endless YouTube videos and countless blogs. My husband said very little about my hair and my family was also very quiet about the matter. A few associates said some unkind words to me and most of the REAL compliments came from strangers. I was not doing this for them but for me. The person I wanted to be on board with me was my husband but he said very little only, “Oh, you are natural now”. I did not say much either.
It is one thing to have friends, co-workers, and distant associates make comments or inflict disapproving looks about your natural journey, but it is another issue altogether when it is a spouse! A few weeks ago, I attended a funeral. I was dressed in a black dress, with a black blazer, and wore my hair in mini twist with a black clip on hair rose. He said, “Oh, you are wearing your hair natural”. His tone was disapproving and I could no long stay silent as an answer. I said, in my most loving voice, “I know it is NOT the most popular look, but I am doing this for a healthier me.” I smiled, kissed him, headed out the door, and drove away. I can remember only one time since June 2012 he said my hair looked nice and that was in an old twist out with a band around it.
I realize most of us, especially SOME black men, need an education about natural hair. I do understand his temporary disappointment about not seeing me in bone straight or wavy hair (real or not). But it is still me, just with my real natural hair. My husband, family, friends, and associates may NOT understand or care about my natural journey, and they may secretly long for the days when I relaxed and weaved my hair. Maybe they think I am going through something crazy and weird, or they just cannot wrap their minds about why am I doing this; “Why doesn’t she DO something to that nappy head”, “She is just too lazy to go to the beauty shop” “Is she gay and making a statement now?”, “You need to get a relaxer or weave”, “Poor thing, she must be sick or going through something”.
I was not expecting fireworks from my husband when I did my big chop. I thought maybe he would be my personal cheerleader, wave the natural hair flag, use a megaphone and shout praises of admiration about me to the world or just to me? I may have been disillusioned just a tad to expect such things and perhaps I just wanted a kind word. Again, I realized all too quickly that wasn’t going to happen, at least, not right away if at all. I am doing this for me with or without ANYONE’S approval. I guess I wanted him to be just as pleased and excited about my new natural hair as I was but I was wrong and that is ok. All I can say: I chose to do this for a healthier me. Compliments or not, I press on in my natural hair journey.
248 Responses
My husband told me he doesn’t want me to go anywhere with him unless i straighten my hair. I told him there has got to be some natural hair style that you like. He told me, “why can’t you just do it for me, you must not really love me. Do you want a divorce?”
In that case, you should want a divorce.
Beloved, you are beautiful as is, tell yourself that daily. I hope it won’t come to a divorce over NATURAL HAIR?! NOOOOOO! Returning to natural hair is a confusing for some men with a girlfriend/wife. Help him understand that this is for a healthier you and it makes you happy. He will either: comply, be quiet, voice his opinion good/bad, or just leave. Whatever the case, style your hair FOR YOU. Yes, we want them to approve and make them happy but that is a two way street. All the best to you and keep us posted.
My husband – treated my hair with disdain and would hurl insults at me regarding my untidy natural hair. If any female friends came to visit he would say – cant you help my wife do her hair – please help her. To be honest for me it has raised the question – do people really love you for your heart or for what you look like and how you conform to a standard set my society of how a woman should look? Its so bad I am actively considering divorce.
My husband has known me through Afro in the 70’s. Jery Curl in the 80’s, relaxer in the 90’s, braids and weaves and now back to natural. With each change it took him a bit to get used to them, but this current natural he just ain’t feeling. It might get better as my hair grows but for now he doesn’t like it.
Hang in there natural sista…. I experienced the exact same thing but I was determined! This was not a phase but a personal choice. I made a point to educate myself on my hair and I had many conversations with Shirley (the name I’ve given my hair)…lol. 2 years later can’t nobody tell me nothing! And now my husband ….. is in LOVE with my natural hair. Peace and blessing on your hair journey.
This is a little sad but common…..my boyfriend loves my natural hair and often brags about me not wearing weave are too much makeup….makes me feel grateful
My then boyfriend and father of our son was not pleased when I big chopped after the baby’s birth but he never said a word. Was never mean but wasn’t turning cart wheels either. I would ask his opinion about different styles and if he liked it he’d say so and if he didn’t he’d say so. The longer it gets and the more styles I learn to do the more he likes it. And I think he is impressed I make some of my own hair products. He will often say wow, it’s getting long! My now husband likes it big and wild when we go out on a date and is happy with my twist and braid outs. He says now he can’t imagine me with my hair relaxed. And with the impending birth of our daughter (6 more weeks yall!!!!) he knows she will be natural until she’s old enough to make her own hair choices. Change is never easy and there is something to be said for attraction but a little patience on both parts will likely lead to funny stories later about “what you did to your hair!”
Hi Nikki!
I loved your story and thanks for commenting. It was a transformation for both of us. He has “accepted” it. I rarely get compliments but I learned to loved me and tell myself it looks good. I feel good. I am in a better and different place now in my life with my hair. Relaxed or natural…love yourself. Again, thank for sharing your story!
My husband hates my natural hair as much as I do…oh well.
Hi Od!
Give him some time and learn to LOVE you through it all! For me, it took him quite some time to at least accept my natural hair. Now, we are “okay” with it. I just give myself self-love about my own hair! I’m still learning and growing from it all. Thanks for commenting!
hi my husband hates my 4c hair. He looks at me funny when i wear it out so i always wearing a wig when i am with him. Maybe he will get used to it when it grows out more. But I LOVe my hair i feel like i am finally accepting myself, hair and all… so liberating
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Hi Nesha! You are so beautiful! It will take him time to love your hair as much as you do. Keep being uplifted and staying positive. Thanks for commenting.
This is crazy, but it is common. I remember when I was a teenager and my mother got her hair cut and colored. She has a honey-cinnamon complexion and the cut and color looked fabulous on her (she was going through menopause and she said she had too much hair to be dealing with hot flashes). Anyway, I remember when my dad came home from work that day and saw what she had done, he wasn’t thrilled to say the least! He was like “oh, you changed your hair” and left it at that but my mom said he was upset she had changed her hair.
It took my dad about 6 months to get used to the changes, but he did. Please note, my parents had been married about 35 years at the point when this happened. He’s definitely old school about things like that and when he finally accepted the changes my mom chose to make, he admitted he just wasn’t crazy about the change, and he missed her long hair.
I’m sorry you went through this, but I guess talking to him about what he’s feeling and why he feels that way may be a way to alleviate some of his upset. I’m not offering any excuses, I’m just saying I’ve seen a scenario like this before.
I am so tired of the hair drama, natural or other wise. What matters is how u feel about your self inside and whats best for your head.. I do not know how natural hair became a Journey and why? To “me” we are given a temple to house our spirit and to take care of and its ever changing till we die. I really don’t know when “sisters” are so caught up in the hair transformation thing but to each his own
Hi Trecia!
It’s not so much about hair drama as it is to how theirs reaction to natural black hair is. “We” I am pretty much over it. The natural hair journey/process continues! Thanks for commenting.
I am sorry you find this response from your husband. We would all hope that all of our decisions about ourselves are accepted by the ones we love. The tone of the writing frowns at your husband for not being more open but in my view maybe he needs more time at the very least. You admit that you were caught in the cycle of weaves and maybe he likes long hair? His likes are should be considered too not just ignored. Truth is men are very visual creatures. They are very turned on by what they see. Did u have a weave when you two met? Just food for thought. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Elle!
Thanks for commenting. As a matter of fact, I did NOT have a weave when we first met. We have been through many hair styles together. He saw me transitioning so it wasn’t a secret. I am well aware most men are visual creatures. We are in a better place (I am) now as far as my natural hair is concerned. It was a growing/learning/accepting stage for both of us. I am growing, he is over my big chop, and my hair is growing vice the shedding! The natural hair journey continues! Again, thanks for commenting!
sorry to hear that. my husband who is white encourage me to go natural. I been 2 years natural now thanks to his support. 🙂
Tyshea!
I am so happy you have your husband’s support. It makes a smoother transition when he is on board early in your natural hair journey. All the best to you! Thanks for commenting. Have a great day.
When reading this I felt sad for the op because what woman doesnt want her husband to love everything about her in her natural state? However, we cant delude ourselves. It is plain fact that the standard of beauty in America is mostly a eurocentric one and my husband nor yours has been shielded from learning the difference between whats considered “good hair” and whats considered “bad hair.” Just like he learned those things he has to learn to see the beauty of african women and our many different hair textures. I say this to say that, in my opinion, the op may have set herself up for hurt when it came to her husbands response to her going natural. She should have told him before she did a big chop that she was thinking about going natural, explained her desire to do so and then explained to him the impact that going natural would have on her self esteem, health and even her pocket book. The op has the right to wear her hair however she likes with or without her husbands approval but he may have supported her if she had talked to him and taught him about natural hair before she hacked all of her hair off and decided to walk around with hair that he’s probably heard her refer to as nappy in the past and spent all types of money to keep permed straight and hidden under weaves. Communication probably could have fixed this.
Crystal:
Thank you for commenting. It was “transitioning time” for both of us. He saw me transitioning. I did not come home with a big chop all of a sudden–it was gradual. I do understand now it was hard for both parties. Hair styles and grooming habit are low when it comes to martial issues. We are…I am in a better place now. Sure, I wanted him to like my natural hair but I needed to love my hair for myself too. Weaved, relaxed, or natural we ALL have to feel better about ourselves and love ourselves as is. We are in a much better place now…I AM. Thanks for commenting! Enjoy your week.
Its great when your spouse, of all people, is on board with your natural journey. My husband had locs for 5 years before I bc’d, and he didn’t have an issue with my texture. He wasn’t a big fan of the length though, since he prefers long hair. But he was still very supportive. I’m sorry that your husband wasn’t as supportive at first, but I’m sure it has only made you stronger! Returning to natural is the best way to learn how little the opinions of others really matter 🙂
Thank you, Liz! Those were the earlier stages. I turned to YouTube and BGLH. for support. Sure, I wanted my family and friend’s support. I wanted them to like it, BUT I needed to LOVE my own natural more than their opinions of approval. The journey is never ending! Thanks for commenting!?
Hello Moore-Morgan.
My Sista÷
It’s Okay these were the earlier stages. I had to grow a back bone, not be a afraid, educate and encourage myself. I am glad BGLH. and YouTube was there and IS there to guide me. I am still learning. Nowadays, I let those negative comments roll off me like a duck in water. No worries, this too shall pass. Thank you for commenting?
Why is it people who don’t know a little more than just one thought about a woman’s hair always have nothing nice to say.
I now have dread locks and some people have nothing nice to say because it is not a hairstyle that gets washed and that’s what people believe because you have those people who don’t wash their hair or maintain their respective hairstyle so it gives all of us who does keep updating our own style a bad name
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TiffDizzle, it can be a shock to see a b/c no matter how we try to prepare each for it.
Relaxers are NOT our friend in the long term as you have clearly given a prime example of what it did to your mother’s hair. I hope your mom has found another styling method and is healing inside and out. Thanks for sharing!
When I first big chopped my husband came home and said “what did you do to all your pretty hair ” I simply said I finally did it. He actually knew about my transition and that this will finally come I actually coached him for months I started transitioning in April 2012 and big chopped in Oct 2012 it was a big deal for both of us.
Now when I say I think I want to strighten it he scoles me and tell me no you heard about that heat damage leave it alone I like it.
I went natural because my mother lost her hair and her Dr. said it actually came from relaxers and chemicals damaging her folicls she is very depressed and not the same person and we both (my husband) actually saw the aftermath of the relaxer damage blacks are taught to love so much, I think that’s why he wasn’t so hard to win over.
Andrea, I command you for staying natural in spite of the discouraging reactions. Yes, it is heartbreaking that people still react that way, but because that’s not what Hollywood glamourizes most of us are indoctrinated to think that only one hair texture is good and acceptable. Unless your family is used to natural hair, you tend to always get those looks, remarks, concerns etc. However with time many will get it, you will find out that some were even “watching” you and were inspired by your journey, just like you are inspired by others. Many will get it and a few won’t and that’s okay. Because as you said, you did it for you first and foremost!
Reading your story reminded me soooo much of my husband. He has seen me transition through ALOT of styles. From short to long relaxed hair, wigs, sisterlocks, weave, and now who knows which bag I am coming out of. I recently cut my sisterlocks off, which my husband thought I should have kept. Now I’m cycling back through weave and wigs. Yes, I want my husband to compliment me everyday and support ALL of my hair choices from the start. However, sometimes it takes him awhile to accept them. For that matter sometimes it takes me awhile to accept some of my hair styles. Give him some time to adjust to the new you. As he see the confidence that you exhume, he will start to accept it more.
Thank you, Angela! I appreciate your reply because it almost mirrors what I’ve been through hair wise vice the locs. This was the initial stages for both of us. I wanted his support of course but it took time. All seems well now. Thanks for commenting!
I decided to lock my hair 7 years ago. I have never looked back. The freedom and boost to my self esteem has been enormous. I look at myself and see beauty in my gorgeous kinky hair. The detractors have mostly come around with time. I have even inspired some friends and relatives to make the transition to natural hair! Loving and approving of yourself as you are enhances your physical beauty. Your husband and others will notice this with time and they will join you in celebrating your rebirth as a natural woman. Congrats and enjoy, sister!
Thank you Ms. Jackson:
Awesome story you have! Everyone has a different experince. I wish I had the loving support from friends amd family but i didnt and that’s ok now. This was the beginning stages in time, things have “grown” better. Thank you for commenting!
Thanks Shan and I am. Thanks for commenting!
Hey girl just do u I’m proud of u! Be happy don’t think about what others got to say
Sorry. I forgot to mention that my man had qualms with my hair at first. But he had been through several hair journeys with me…short, medium, extensions, wigs, braids…everything. He eventually came around. I do sometimes think that your partner’s acceptance of one’s going natural might be corporate America’s response one’s going natural and its response to him by association.
Hi Candi!
Thank you for sharing your story as well too. Yes, it is as you say. Without getting too deep into slavery times, the European standard of beauty, and society in general…He has a preference for straight hair. We’ve been through many, many hair styles so it was as if he didn’t see me transitioning. His initial reaction was what I received in general from: friends, family, and strangers of my own race–not everyone. I understand it was a surprise and a shock because that was my reaction too. I am thankful to BGLH. who always shows black natural hair in positive ways accompanied by uplifting articles. Later on, he came around to at least tolerating my natural hair. I have received a compliment here and there too. All seems to be well. Thanks for commenting!
Hi Candi!
I,too, had several 9 AM appointments that caused me to leave the beauty shop around noon. I believe that was one of several decisions that led me down the HHJ! I am unsure what was taking me so long to go/return to natural: fear qnd lack of education about natural black hair. I am glad I did it!
My decision to go natural had everything to do with wasting one Saturday too many sitting in a hair salon. I’ll never forget it. I had a 9a appointment and did not get into the chair for a shampoo until 1p. I considered this disrespectful and swore I’d never be back. It was rough sticking with it at first, but it’s been over seven years and I’m happy with my natural hair.
Cherishbomb!
Your post is a welcomed and needed. Thank you for sharing and commenting!
I called my (now) husband right after I “big chopped” my transitioning hair and asked him if he thought I should cut my hair (to test the waters and get an idea of his reaction) and he said he didn’t think I should cut it. I’ve always been one to do whatever makes me happy, regardless of naysayers. Well, when he got home and saw my TWA he said it looked nice, but I could see the uncertain look on his face. He didn’t really say much about it either at first, but as it grew out and time went on he started to express a dislike for any extensions I put in my hair and would always ask, “When do I get my poof back?” He even gets the lingo now lol.
All this to say, it’ll grow on him and he will realize how silly it is not to at least appreciate your hair the way it grows out of your scalp even if he does prefer straight hair.
The big chop is a huge change, I did it as well and I love it as does my fiance. Thing is, I included him in my journey the whole way. I had long and very healthy relaxed hair bcuz I started a hhj to have just that; however, I started to hate putting that creamy crack on my head and was curious to know the real me. But I also knew I would shock the Hell out of the man I was with if yesterday my hair was flowing in the wind and today it’s a Cesar cut. So I talked to him about it before I chopped. I showed him different looks on pinterest told him I had no clue what my natural hair would look or feel like but I needed to know it for me to be happy. I didn’t do this for his approval but so he would know what I wanted to do and why I was doing it. By him understanding where I was coming from, he was on my side from jump. It helps even more that I feel incredibly sexy with myself and my confidence makes it even more attractive. Of course there are detractors in my family and work associates, but they aren’t important to me. I think we forget that such a drastic change is not easy for everyone to handle. If someone is important to you you should include them in the conversation about going back natural. Not for their approval but to show them that we care about them and want them on our side.
Reesa! I am so glad you hhad or have loving support along your HHJ. He has a preference for straighter hair. I understand his side of it perfectly. I’VE GROWN, HE HAS GROWN, MY HAIR HAS GROWN. I appreciate your story too. Thanks for commenting.
Sorry to hear–my (now) husband was the first to encourage me to grow out my curls.
I wonder if he upholds his own standards of beauty? Then again, I think TWA’s are gorgeous, so I’m not the best judge here.
Hi Liz! I am glad your husband supported you. A lot of women don’t have that kind of support. The initial stages are hard..can be without support. I am very grateful to BGLH. and other hair blogs and voter for the awesome support and good take away about natural hair. We need the support and education or reeducation about natural black hair. He is coming around to the fact my hair is natural. He even gave a me a compliment or two. I understand his perspective on it. He just wants me to he happy and vice verse. Thanks for commenting!
When dealing with a situation like this, it’s best to discuss your plans with your spouse first before taking that big step. Tell him your concerns and the pros and cons with the route you want to go. Because, hair is a big representation of who a woman is. Rather she chooses to be bald or wear a weave. I believe he would’ve been a lot more supportive if you would’ve included him with this major decision. Talk about the type of hair styles he would like to see you rock with your natural hair or even a wig. Whatever it is, it should be some type of agreement. Because in a marriage you guys are one, bringing 2 different personalities together that may not work together all the time.
Tia thank you for your comment. I can tell you are sincere in what you are saying. He has a perference for straight hair and that’s ok.i transitioned for awhile so he saw my process…The hair “changing”…whatever he needs to do to uplift himself is fine by me including grooming habits. It’s the initial shock of seeing natural hair. No amount of talk could have prepared him or I for that. He likes straight hair but slowly noticed other women with natural hair and would say,”She’s natural too”. He has gotten use to it…I am NOT relaxing my hair anymore. I’m happy with my natural hair. He has come around to the idea. I accept that. Thanks for commenting!
If he’s that upset buy him a wig (and a diaper!).
Hi Amber! No, It’s not about that. He has perference for straighten hair. I k ow. He was in initially shocked just like me. He is over it nkw. My hair is growing. Thanks for commenting!
Silent drummer! I hear you loud and clear! Yes, I am very aware of the Hollywood standard of beauty…it is slowly changing but not nearly as fast as I would like. A few stars are stepping out with their natural black hair.
True! I had a Rocky start! BGLH. actually helped me along the way. All seems calm or at least tolerable now. I still get stares but I just smile…it’s still me but natural now. I don’t expect others to get, like it, or compliment me…that’s okay. Thanks for commenting!
It seem the more I read these type of stories is the more I see the depth of self hate by africans for africans!
Thank Yahweh for my creation and that includes my hair. I love my hair. I love my texture, it’s always natural and so is my skin. I don’t
wear make up and I eat well, that’s my make up inside out.
My spouse is the same way and I don’t see why I would get engaged in such a relationship with an hater of my natural beauty! I hope that this sistah finds her true self and loves her true self. Only you can liberate yourself and only you can love yourself.
Take care of yourself always and that includes your mental health as well.
Yes. Articles like these also make me thankful that I went natural while single.
Thank you so much for posting this! Seeing all of the responses, I don’t feel alone. I have been natural for two years 11/2011. I started with an EL style,now I’m Full APL. I used weaves nearly back to back with occasional braided extensions. My hair is very healthy 4a and I’ve been experimenting bun styles alternating flat ironing 2 times per month. My fiancé looks at my head crazily when I wear a bun. He will text me a pic of Frederick Douglass and Harriet Tubman as a “joke”. And he doesn’t even compliment me when it’s flat ironed. He says “ah you have hair” and strokes it, offers to massage it also when flat ironed but never came out and said it looks nice like he did with weaves. I’m frustrated because he will pay for my weaves if I don’t have the money. But says he likes natural hair. So confused! When our men say they like natural hair, I think they mean your own hair, with chemicals. But now mine is not even used to my own APL flat ironed hair! Sometimes I think about relaxing it but I’ve learned to love MY REAL HAIR! It’s never been this long or this healthy (never passed collar bone before).I felt like a Diva with weaves, but now I feel no one around me appreciates MY hair unless I wear a weave which is making me feel a little insecure. Andrea when you figure it out, please let us know!(sorry for talking about my situation. Just want you to know you’re husband is not the only one brainwashed!)
Diane, This is Andrea. Your post spoke to me more than the others because I’ve been there. Sure I wanted him to like it and even love my natural hair. I needed him to be my cheerleaders. I realized all too soon we both needed a reeducation about natural black hair. I don’t blame him. I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms myself. I wanted to know what to “do” with my hair NOW. I spent hour..weeks on YouTube and even caught a virus on my computer checking out sites, blogs, and countless hair videos. I felt somewhat equipped but nervous and so was he. I did this for myself. Not in a selfish way, I did want the relaxer cream…creamy cracking in my hair…I was tired and suffer from fibroid too. It is a conditioning that runs deep. Love you inside and out with or without his approval. Love on yourself. Be the beautiful person you are natural or relaxed. MOST of us want the approval of our significant others but that person may be ready for the “change”. Sure I could have talked to him more but he saw the changes….I didn’t hide it. He likes apples not organges and I get that…I do. I cannot make him like it or love it. You love on hourself, surround yourself with super positive people who share your HHJ, BGLH. helped me a lot. I saw all the positive pictures and stories and said I am not alone. Sometimez they need a reeducation about natural black hair too. Continue on your HHJ. Be proud of you. Love on you! You are beautiful–Inside and out! Thanks for commenting. Have a truly blessed HHJ inside and out.
Sorry typo I mean Trendsetters!!!!
I can understand what you mean. I’am happy that my husband loves natural hair. He used to see me with this white crap in my hair called a perm. And see me running to the sink to rinse it out because it was burning so much I had to rinse my hair. He would say wow you women have to go through all of that to make your hair straight lol So he never liked it since. It’s funny because he was the one begged me to go natural and I was the one saying no that it’s not for me Wow…. So I got tired of my hair becoming thin and shedding I guess my hair was telling me the same thing get thiscrap out of my head!!!! So I did the big chop people loved it and some didn’t my family was suppotive because my mom never let a perm touch her hair now almost my entire family is going natural or are natural. So just hang in there your husband is going to love your hair once he see’s how healthy and nice it’s gong to become Watch what I tell you!!!!! So loving my natural hair!!!! To all my Beautiful black sistas we ROCK!!!!! We are trandsetters:)
GodsButterflybeauty!
We DO ROCK and rock it well! Thank you for your story as well. Yes, my husband has grown to somewhat “like” my natural hair. I do acknowledge his preference for the straighter version too. Either way, it is still me only with my natural hair. ((((hugs))). Thanks for commenting!
My boyfriend supports and admires mynatural hair. When Im installing my mini twist hes on the couch rooting me on “your almost done babe, they are turning out really nice” he says. We are both against weave and perms something I got from my mother and his dating prefference. I include him in new hair ideas and growth and science of it all. He’s always telling me how healthy my hair looks. It’s more than just my natural journey, he’s right there with me so its more like our journey.
EXCELLENT, Diahann! I am glad you have the loving support of your boyfriend cheering you on! This is encouraging! Thank you for commenting!
LOL some of the comments on here are ridiculous,some women are slating her husband because of his preference,this is still her husband who she loves so I doubt she appreciates this.
Certain women on here saying if he loved her he would accept her,of course he does but she needs to respect his emotions too,thats what marriage is about-for one if you met a slim man and by the time he was married he got fat-you will be turned off,if you are no longer attracted to that person for WHATEVER reason,they are entitled to feel that way.
Some black women here are so ignorant,thats why 70% are single,unlike other women you make decisions and expect your men to submit without meeting him half way.
If my man had hair and shaved it off,I would have an issue with that because I was attracted to what I met of him,simple.
You’re a man. No selfrespecting woman would write this utter nonsense. 70% of us are single? Really? You sound like Rand Paul citing stats that don’t exist. Shame on you. You get joy from putting women down. Shame on you for disrespecting women.
I think its a man too….or simply one of the most clueless superficial women on this site.
The last time I checked I was a woman and I have a massive amount or respect for myself and others.
FYI- females Dionne
Males -DEON..its a unisex name..have a good day.
I understand preference…however, I don’t think what this husband is doing to his wife is just about preference. This is much more disturbing and a sign of immaturity and lack of respect. After years of marriage people will change physically whether we want to or not due to age, illness, mishap etc. If emotions are so fickled to the point that a person shuts you out and doesn’t find you attractive after a change in body habitus…I would venture a guess that you don’t have much of a relationship. In fact, more in likely you are involved in a very superficial and conditional relationship that won’t stand the test of time. You better hope nothing happens that changes your appeareance to the point that the person doesn’t love or desire you any longer. That is very sad and I would hate to be in such a relationship.. you would be better off single. And no 70% percent of black women are not single…hyperbole much?
But, if your man shaves his head and your reaction is negative because it violates an image of your husband you found attractive when you first met, what will you do if through time and age his physical self doesn’t align with your preferences? Are you going to be emotionally distant, make snide remarks and join in on the crowd with disapproving looks. Will he treat you the same if you change due to menapause, child birth, etc. You have to have something more to your relationship besides the physical….there has to be something more to hold you together. If a basic thing like hair creates this type of distant and emotional shut down with disapproving looks and the silent treatment from someone who should have your back…remember for better or for worse..then we have nothing short of emotional and psychological abuse. In her own words…she expected this from others, not someone who should love you regardless, not I’ll Love and Respect you so long as you don’t cut your hair, go natural, gain weight, get sick, or for whatever reason. The husband is wrong…she’s got a real problem on her hands.
Its not superficial or abnormal to have a preference-we are all human,what you are expecting goes beyond the normal standards of human beings-of course we love conditionally but you are saying because you love,that should override everything,
At some point your partner will change and you can evolve with them or go against it but if its not challenges the attraction or preference that you have-then it poses a conflict,you can’t force someone to accept all the changes if it goes against what they perceive as attractive-relationships and marriages break up every day because women like you change without considering how it will impact on your relationship
There are things that will change,but when the change is too great-someone has to give or let GO…
Why do the stats say 70% of black women are single along with Oprah doing a show on it-see youtube.
Its not about attacking black women,its opening up your eyes and seeing that ‘its not my way or the highway’ attitude that the majority of black women have..sometimes the truth is hard to hear because you’re not ready to see it.
You call us ignorant? Really? Don’t you think that 70% is a bit huge? And using Oprah as the guru of statistics? Really? When she is an expert at data like Nate Silver, you know the guy who was able to determine who would win the last presidential election based on his analysis of the data, then maybe, just maybe, your statistic will be valid.
That percentage is too large and doesn’t make sense. Think about it. In a room of 10 women, all of whom are black, 7 of them are single? Really, Dionne? Now think of it again. In a room where there are 100 women, all of whom are black, 70 of them are single? Really, Dionne? Does that really seem possible to you? That is rather large statistic. It is just not possible. And what exactly are you saying about black women? That our “attitudes” make us less desirable? That our “natural hair” make us less attractive? Next it will be the fact that there are more college educated black women than black men that makes us unattractive. Please give us all a break with this nonsense. I could give a hoot how you wanna wear your hair. I say “Rock Your Freedom.” Our people have fought long an hard for our freedom and now we have to succumb to the nonsense of wearing fake hair on our head or subjecting ourselves to chemicals that are damaging to our health or burning and frying our hair, and sometimes our skin, to a crisp in order to fit the “white standard” of beauty to please our men. And you call we who disagree with you ignorant. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
I believe you are a man. I don’t care that you’re name can be used for males and females. Also Deion is a more current spelling of the male name Dion.
That’s fine if you believe I’m male despite the fact I told you that I’m not-so I will just put that down to ignorance.
Some women on here did react ignorantly with their responses.
The 70% stat is rather high but that doesn’t mean its not true,for someone as powerful as Oprah and someone who is respected in the media with huge followings from not just ordinary folk but celebrities I hardly think she is going to put out a stat that is based on a myth..
I do think its very high but there are many black women whom are single
And just to stick to the topic-just because relaxed sisters straighten their hair does not mean they want to be white just like it doesn’t mean someone whom is natural is more pro black-its about character not your hair-your hair says a lot about you but it does not define you…many natural sisters flat iron their hair at times-do they feel they are not black at that point,its rather silly isn’t it..any way take care you are welcome to your opinion as I am mine.
Thank you Dionne for being candid. Again, it is not so much a love issue as it is his preference for the way he likes my hair to be. He is entitled to that his opinion does count–just a tad. 🙂 Natural hair is the better choice for me and I wish I would have done this a LOT sooner in life. I love the natural hair journey. It is wonderful, messy, frustrating, exciting, upsetting, mad, sad, happy, and glad all at the same time! My hair is in a much healthier state now. I am happier with my natural hair and it has “grown” on him too. As my hair grew, he grew to like it or at least tolerate it. Relaxed or natural, I’m still me. Thank you for commenting!
You welcome-you have a very open mind without any ignorance regarding your response.
Its exactly as I wanted you to see it,your husband is not an ogre or being unfair-he is expressing a normal reaction to something he wasnt used to and like you said thats OK, you have a nice nature and are understanding to his needs( not like some here who instantly take it as a hostile rejection)
Wishing you and your husband all the best.
Thank you, Dionne!
I appreciate you and your comments. All seems to be okay with us about my hair. After the initial shock, there seems to be Peace or at least tolerance between us. I cannot make him like apples when he likes organges. There are just so MANY other issues to deal with besides my natural hair. I do get it and understand his side too. All seems well. Thanks for commenting!
Unnecessary remark, people change as they get older, they lose hair, they get fatter they get sick, does that mean that that it’s right for the other partner to abandon them. NO! They are more important things to deal with than superficial nonsense. That’s the thing with people, even if he did shave it off, it can be grown back. What about more serious issues? No wonder some marriages is in a mess if that is the barometer that is being used.
As I read your story it sounds like my story minus the weaves. For me going natural…returning to natural was something I did for myself. It was the first thing in a long time that I did for myself. I transitioned for 11 months in April 2014 it will be 2 years since my BC and I wouldn’t change a thing. I say do you if he really loves you he will take it with all your beauty and imperfections. When I was transitioning I read a quote that say… “God made my hair the way it is and God doesn’t make mistakes”. Let me tell you there are days that I see woman and I envy their hair curly, wavy, kinky and coily but I love the hair God blessed me with. Love yourself Curly Gyrl.
Kimberly, you are right, “God made my hair the way it is and God doesn’t make mistakes”. I also understand his side of the story too. It is his preference to want/like women or his woman with straighten hair. It is an adjustment and readjustment for both us. I am pretty much “over” it. Do I get river of flowing compliments like I use to? NO. It is every blue moon or sometimes. I must tell myself my hair is beautiful because I am beautiful too inside and out or strive to be. I would like to believe he love me relaxed or natural but prefers straight hair on me. I hope it is that simple and NOT that deep. Should it matter relaxed or nature? NO! You know it does. Thank you for commenting!
I usually don’t comment on articles, but this one really got me thinking. In my own opinion, I don’t think that the fact that we are choosing to be natural is the problem with black men. It’s the fact that we cut our hair. I can’t speak for everyone but for myself this holds true. When I first BC’d, no man around me (I have a brother & nothing but 20+ male cousins that live around me that act like my brothers as well as my dad plus childhood male friends. I was a girl in a boys world lol) disliked my hair because it was natural. They disliked the fact that I cut my hair! They all said “you have pretty curly hair, but it’s not long like it use to be. Hurry up & grow it back with the curls!” Lol. To make a long story short, maybe sometimes it’s not the fact that black men don’t like natural hair & prefer it straight. Maybe it’s the fact that we cut our hair. I know this has nothing to do with the story really, but this has been my own experience with black men & my hair.
Still, why should the length of our hair matter? All black women do not have long hair. All of us cannot grow our hair down to our backside. So are we “less than” because our hair is short? Are we “less than” because our hair isn’t wavy? Come on! It’s time for US to let go of old ideas. Ideas that are quite provincial…yesteryear. Go listen to India Arie’s (sp?) song, “I Am Not My Hair.” Too many times our beliefs stem from societal – backward standards imposed upon us by others. Our men need to edify themselves. Don’t let yourself succumb to their ignorance.
In general I think men prefer women with long hair. I think it is socially engrained. But, I also think that many black men prefer black women with long hair but don’t hold the same standards to white women. I could be wrong…but, it just seems to me that black women have to jump through so many hoops and hurdles to be accepted or deemed attractive. While some white women regardless of how they appear get a pass by virtually just being white.
Thank you Tiffany for your story as well. There are plenty of black and white movie stars with “short” hair and they don’t seem to get any shade behind it such as Halle Berry. I don’t see where they were complaining about her short boy cut. I am PRETTY sure they were looking at MORE than her hair. I, too, had male cousins, brothers, 90% guy friends, and I was a tomboy at that. I do get that. I do get that too. Some men prefer long hair and some short hair. It shouldn’t matter but I know it does. Some people attach long hair with beauty–being a beautiful woman. A women MUST have long straight wavy ankle-tripping hair. Again, I think that is a preference. I didn’t turn away and give guys the side-eye just because they were bald. Ah, the double standard–maybe. Let us look way beyond her hair and see her inner beauty. She is beautiful…hair and all! Thanks for commenting!
Some people have certain preferences, for example they don’t like hairy guys, short guys, bald guys, guys with dreadlocks blah blah blah and the list goes on. But when they see these same guys, for example a hairy guy, do they go up and say to them ‘Why don’t you do something about all that hair? I really really can’t stand hairy guys!” the same thing can go for a short guy. None of them can help how they look, because that’s part of their make up- no, the women see them because they’re not blind and they keep it moving, if it’s something that they can deal with then they do that too. So when these guys see a woman and she’s not their cup of tea because of their natural hair or whatever – is it really necessary for them to say anything? No! it’s not, move on to someone else that have what you’re looking for. It’s sort of going to a restaurant, you want something to eat and you have something definite in mind. On the way you see this little restaurant, not what you’re looking for. Do you go in and tell the owner off because of the kind of restaurant it is. no. You go to the restaurant that you want. To me these guys that insult women that have natural hair who they’re not married to is actually seeking to undermine the confidence of these women. Now if you’re married or is dating someone and they don’t like natural hair, that’s a whole different issue right there. It could be that the person is really superficial or that the person don’t know what to expect or they don’t like changes like that. if she really knows the person she can best determine how to deal with that problem.
Mine too hates my hair. It’s been 3 years. He likes it better when I wear my natural hair wigs!!????? I have kinky curly, not the “pretty” wavy hair. I never thought I was hijacking him. But I never thought in 3 years he’d still be at a state of giving my hair disapproving looks & comments. I deal with it. My hair is healthy. I love it. Im sorry he doesn’t but it’s my hair. I’m still the same person underneath the coily curls.
I just don’t understand how so many in society shun people for wearing what naturally grows from your head. I will never understand that !
Hi Curlygirl2010!
I believe it is a mindset…programming to believe that only straight or wavy hair is much more attractive and easier to deal with. When we do wear our real hair out, why are most people surprised or give a negative comment? Most women and MEN may need a reeducation about our natural hair and some want wigs and weave and that’s cool too. Do you, be beautiful with what you have (or add on) cool beans. For me, I wanted a change or was thrust into being natural (that’s another story). I had to change my whole way of thinking about my hair. Surely, it is a process, a journey! Thank you for commenting!
I love this story because I have experienced nearly the exact same thing. I was once addicted to weave and straightening my hair. I got loads of attention from guys and compliments from family and friends. When I went naturalism 2011 I big chopped and it shocked everybody! I remember my family members making smart remarks about my hair as well as my boyfriend at the time. One Christmas he looked at my hair and said “Can you comb through this” with a confused look on his face.
I understand EXACTLY what you mean, my sista. twin story, Sydney! I even tired to make my mother go natural. She did for awhile (for the hair typing people, she has 2C. hair-no lie or lye). Her main complaint is her hair is too soft and what to do with it. Ugggghh! Let ME have that complaint!:)
After awhile, she was tired of doing her hair and slapped the wig back on. Oh well, she tried. My natural hair has grown on my family, but I still get the side-eye from a few from time to time (shrugs). It’ s okay-this is for me now. Thanks for commenting!
Sorry to hear this. And I agree with the ladies. The hair is yours and growing out of your head. Whatever decision you make regarding that does not need the approval or consultation of another. Your husband might as well wear the wig or perm on his hair if he so badly needs to see one on someone else.
I can from Africa and here our men love our natural hair and many do not like weaves or chemicals on our hairs. For most part, here in Africa, we grew up with our natural hairs and many women, once they are all grown up and working, turn to weaves and perms. But I’m glad to say that now, some are starting to embrace their natural hair once again. It is beautiful and one of a kind.
I meant I come from, Kenya
Hi Rhorho. from Kenya!
I thank you for the loving support!
In Africa, I know some accept natural hair while other parts don’t. BGLH. can correct me but I believe there was an article about a young lady taking a trip to a certain part of Africa and her natural hair was not well received. I am so glad Kenya accepts natural hair and them them be the example for the rest of the world (whatever parts of Africa, America, cities, states, towns, borough rows, roads, and black allies that embrace natural hair! I salute and thank you kindly…manly I must accept my natural hair for myself. Thank you for commenting!
My decision to go natural was one of the main reasons for my divorce. Completely devastated me that he couldn’t see past my hair. My Caucasian bf loves my hair and hates when I wear a wig (although he understands protective styling). Be true to you!
Raven, my soon to be ex treated me badly because I went natural .Long story short, he fell in love with someone else with straight long hair. You may have to deal with the aftermath. It is a strong possibility that he may walk.
Let him walk. If he walks from something so trivial what will happen in a real crisis, i.e, cancer/chemotherapy or any other serious crisis? Did he really love you? Love has no conditions. Love has no control or coercion. You are better off. Rock your freedom and rock your “freedom hair.”
Sounds like he was more in love w/ an idea of beauty- than who you were in the inside. It’s better that you know now what an asshole he is, as opposed to, when something devastating happens. You now know his true natural. Smdh
Your are a strong woman, I applaud you! I dealt with negativity from guys to the point of people telling me I should get a weave to look better. I am extremely glad I have decided to be natural because there is nothing to hide behind. What you see it what you get, don’t like it BYE!
Raven!
OMG! You definitely have a story to tell! Is it that serious people, come on?! It should NOT have to come down to a divorce about our natural hair! My heart goes out to you. I am glad you have someone black or white who appreciates you wholeheartedly inside and out. #whatissowrongwithour naturalhair?
So much for freedom Ms.Nappy Headed Black Girl. So he can’t deal with your natural hair? I wonder what will happen when making more important issues arise, babies, illness, caring for aging parents, etc. Hair is hair. It’s neither good nor bad. I am totally taken aback by the implication that perhaps he should have been prepared for such a trivial thing such as hair…perhaps garner his approval. Sorry, but my hair is mine alone to make decisions about. This is the 21st Century and our men need to embrace our beauty just as we do theirs whether he is friend, boyfriend, or hubby. And those old women from yesteryear you can’t change their perspective as they are of a different time and place…time period.
You get more compliments from nonblack people on our natural hair, than you do Black people. When I first had the twa, it was nonblack people giving compliments & I was the one trying to adjust to the new look. Happy for you Andrea! Keep doing you.
Have you now seen, white models wearing blonde Afro wigs? I guess when more whites start wearing Afros, then Blacks will start accepting the hairstyle? Go figure?
Hi Donna! I, too, have noticed slightly more compliments from other races. A lot of people black and white are ignorant about natural hair. Ignorant meaning they don’t know and some don’t want to know. I was ignorant but I am still learning, growing accepting and loving my natural hair. Oh, wow I haven’t seen them in blonde wigs but let them wear it! I am more than a fashion statement…hahaah Our hair is beautiful–we are beautiful! Thank you for commenting!
I agree; men, make major life decisions all the time without consulting their wives. A friend’s husband went to a car lot just to “look” at a car & some slick car salesman talks him into purchasing a vehicle & hubby pulls into the family driveway with a brand new car he never even consulted his wife about(wifey just standing in the doorway, mouth wide open). The lady can do what she wants w/her hair…it’s HER hair.
I totally agree. I didn’t consult my husband on going natural. I don’t consult him on matters that concern how I dress, where my hair etc. If he had a problem with my natural self, why the hell is he with me. Why are we with men that don’t want or accept us fully. That is the bigger question. Fortunetely my husband was and is supportive. I choose wisely when I married him. If a man has a problem with hair….chances are you will have bigger issues in the future.
Hi mlank64
It was that a consultation was needed but the negative comments and attitude. My natural hair has been an adjustment for both of us. I am pretty much over it. I grew a backbone, planted two feet on the ground, and marched on smartly with my natural hair journey: good, bad, or indifferent: this is is for me. Thanks for commenting!
#whatissowrongwithournaturalhair?
Your hubby is an ass. Too many black men identify with the “whiteness” of beauty. We were born with our natural hair. Why doesn’t he wear a weave, a perm, or a press and curl? I am so sick of us being judged by the white standards of beauty.Shame on him. Shame on your family. Forget about your dumb-dumb coworkers and other strangers.
Aha moment. I appreciate your frankness. It is reprogramming minds and accepting our hair and ourselves. If you dislike my hair, you dislike me.
I am so over most of the negative comments from others. I let it roll off me like a duck in water. Yes, it is a shock to see hour natural hair out. Heck, I am shocked to see what it can and cannot do. It has taken me a long time to fall back in love with my natural hair. My journey continues with with or without support. Thanks for commenting!
THANK YOU for posting this. My boyfriend also hates my natural hair and this is a struggle because this is the person I love, however my hair journey is very important to me.
I’m so proud that other people can keep going even though they’re receiving criticism from their number one support system and it’s helping me become stronger in my resolve to continue transitioning.
I hope every one out there going through something similar can keep moving forward to get the results that they want.
Sorry for rambling but happy hair journeys!
When I went natural my black male friend told me that he hated natural hair. And he proceeded to go on a rant telling me how much better i looked w/ a relaxer or wearing it long and flowing. The most disturbing thing about the natural hair movement has been our black men (some) reactions to our hair. The brainwashing is deep as hell. It only motivates me more to rock my Angela Davis afro @ every possible opportunity. I want to make as many black men as possible uncomfortable!
Thank you! It wasn’t as if one day I was “suddenly” natural. He saw me transitioning. I did not flip a lip when he cut his hair extremely low and now wears his hair bald. Cool! Straight or wavy long hair is NOT the only beauty stand. It is the negative comments I do liked but oh so over it, babygirl! Moving on smartly or naturally. Thanks for commenting!
#whatissowrongwithournaturalhair?
It’s amazing how some people can get about natural hair- I guess that it really touches a nerve and in some cases the reactions from those same people might surprise they themselves, people can get really emotional. I’ve been natural my whole life basically but I cut my hair down to about 2 inches this past September, and the reactions were something, it wasn’t planned, because I did it on the spur of the moment and I didn’t regret it at all. One of my friends said yesterday that she was in shock when she saw my head, she said that you have a lot of black women attaching hair to their scalp with glue, and here I am with hair that people would kill for and I just keep cutting it. I was kind of surprised at what she said, and also what my mother said. My mother doesn’t hate hair in it’s natural state, because her own hair is natural too- and I don’t think that my friend is either although she wears a wig. For them I think it’s the long hair that they become attached to. But my policy is anyone that allows hair to determine who they are is superficial. I’ve even heard of people getting treated differently when their hair is curly as opposed to straight. So that brainwashing is on many levels, like an onion, when you peel off the first layer there’s so much more underneath that has to come off. Face it people, the media has done a number on ALL of us, and i’m not only talking about us, they’ve done it in different ways yes. but we’re all brainwashed.
Vickie! I welcome the positive reply and you are not rambling. If I would have relied on compliments and “attaboys”, I would have stopped and relaxed long time ago. I believe we all should be complimented and treated with kindness no matter what style we have our hair in. There is so much more to me than just my hair. Thanks for commenting!
My husband did not like my twa & neither did i. Eventually, we both came around. Originally, I was going to stop relaxing and let my hair do whatever, but within a few months I wanted to cut it all off. Super short hair is beautiful on other women but does nothing for me. I woke up one morning and told him I hated my relaxed hair and he’d better get used to it bc I was going to cut it. He called his beautician aunt to set an appointment and went with me when I got the big chop.
Yolanda, I am so glad he went with you for support. I know for both people it is a big change bit let us be at least supportive vice the negativity! Thanks for commenting!
When he said, “Oh, you are wearing your hair natural”, your reply should have been, “Oh, you are wearing your hair natural too”.
Lucky Reid, I didn’t want to fuss. I didn’t mention I was on my way to a funeral (3 of 6 for the year). I must pick my battles. It has taken him some time to get use to my natural hair too. I received a compliment here and there since then. I know he misses my straight relaxed hair and weaves. It had been an adjustment for both of us, trust me. Thanks for commenting!
You go girl! Some days my hubby really likes my natural hair….and some days i know he REALLY wants me to put a weave in. Right now, i call myself a Level 3 Natural. Meaning, that at this point in my natural journey, it’s more about me. And what is best for ME. And i really don’t give a crap, what anyone has to say about it. Even him. 🙂
Tracy, I agree! I am doing it for myself in spite of it all. I grew a backbone very quickly. Most men and women have been program med to believe straight, wavy, relaxed hair is better and if that your thing , well cool beans but don’t hurl negative comments at me because of hair. I want to do this for me.
You go girl!
Thank you Gigi! There is NOTHING wrong with my real hair. I want him to like it bit I need to love it for myself. Thanks for commenting!
Correction: I want him to like it but I need to love it for myself. Thank you.
Andrea, you did right not to tell him. Subconsciously you may have sensed that he would be displeased, & you are right, YOU have to love it for yourself first!! The more you come to accept your natural hair, the more others will too. I believe that once he sees how much more confidence you have, then he will grow to accept it as well. Telling him first would have only undermined what you needed to do for yourself. Your Journey is just that-YOUR JOURNEY! If he had told you that he didn’t want you to cut your hair off would that have stopped you? Possibly…but since this not about him, it really shouldn’t matter. You are uniquely YOU!! Don’t let how others feel about your natural hair affect you because you can’t control what people say about you, you can only control how you react to it. And you know what, it’s none of your business what others think about you or your hair because at th end of the day, Its YOUR HAIR & YOUR LIFE TO LIVE!! Do your thing beloved! Trust me, the more you frow to love your natural hair, the quicker your husband will come on board, & if he doesn’t, you can’t do anything about it, so don’t even put anymore energy into it. Just focus on your journey, others can come along for the ride or watch from the wayside!! Peace!
Thank you! It wasn’t as if one day I was “suddenly” natural. He saw me transitioning. I did not flip a lip when he cut his hair extremely low and now wears his hair bald. Cool! Straight or wavy long hair is NOT the only beauty stand. It is the negative comments I do liked but oh so over it, babygirl! Moving on smartly or naturally. Thanks for commenting!
#whatissowrongwithournaturalhair?
“But it’s much easier to get someone on your bandwagon when they’ve been invited rather than hijacked.”
This all day.
It sounds like the man was blindsided. I mean, did you talk to him at all before you did the chop? Was he prepared? I’m not saying you have to get permission but was the brother completely blindsided?
Going from long, straight Remi to a short natural is a big adjustment for anyone. He’s probably having an even harder time than you are because he wasn’t expecting it.
I’ll probably get thumbed down for this but I never understood how a woman goes natural without involving her partner in the process at all. He doesn’t have to be 100% on board or even excited, but I think he deserves to be kept in the loop.
I completely agree with you. It’s only reasonable.
If my husband shaved off all or most of his facial hair that I’ve loved without giving me a warning or asking my opinion, I would be upset, but thankfully he could grow it back in days. When a woman does this, it takes much longer and the shock is more intense.
If you’re planning on transitioning and you’re married, consult your husband about it. While your opinion and self-worth are most important, his opinion ought to be highly valued as well. We should strive to respect our mates by hearing their voices on their preferences as we share ours.
I can understand why it would be an adjustment for a boyfriend or a significant other, but a HUSBAND? It just seems so insignificant. I mean if he needs to be consulted about a change in a hairstyle/texture, then what will he need if you – heaven forbid- in a car accident and loss the use of your body/legs? I mean I know that’s a gross exaggeration, but, once you get married you’re supposed to get beyond these superficial ideologies. You would think a black man- as health conscious as they are (when it pertains to the weight/lack of exercise for black women) that they would applaud their wife in her decision to stop using harsh chemicals.
I agree! I understand the shock but most of us need a reeducation about natural black. The European look of beauty and being beautiful is not the only way. When a black woman decides to wear her natural hair it seems to be a shock! “What happened to your hair?” “NOTHING, this is the way it looks without weaves, wigs, and relaxers.” Thanks for commenting! #whatiswrongwithmynaturalhair?
” I understand the shock but most of us need a reeducation about natural black.” Yes!
It wont get thumbed down because women BW in particular are taught a mans opinion and desires far outweighs our happiness. Ssdd in the patriarchy.
Thank you Nappyheadedblackgirl:
This is Andrea! Thanks for replying. It is not just my husband but most black men…not all having this simpler attitude about a black women’s natural hair. So true I don’t need his permission and he has seen me in many, many hair style real, wigs, weaves…ect…I realized it was a shock for him as well as me but I didn’t need the negative comments and lack of support attitude. That’s all. Thanks for commenting!
@Nappy headed black girl.
I see what you’re saying, but I don’t agree. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. We’re talking about life partners, here – not some dude she’s casually dating. His love and attraction for her are not so fragile and shallow that a change in hair is so important that they need to discuss it first. My husband has NEVER EVER EVER consulted me before getting a haircut or growing/shaving facial hair. The reason is that it matters more what HE’s comfortable with than whatever superficial pov I might have at the moment. I love him deeply. And I am attracted to him deeply.
And I expect the same. His love and affection for me isn’t so fragile that a hairdo – even a bad one – will upend his attraction to me. I think we women sometimes tend to overthink these things. In my opinion, it’s just hair. It ain’t that serious. And the day I need to sit my husband down and discuss my hairstyle with him is the day I will probably seek to jump out a window – and him, too. 🙂 I can’t imagine a subject he is more apathetic about. We just have better stuff to do than that.
This is extremely pathetic. Are you also supposed to call your husband before you get your nails done too, or when you buy new clothes, or wear make-up, or eat a bagel? You consult about major life changes like buying a new car or changing jobs or moving to a new house. But hair? It’s a cosmetic change. In the grand scheme of your hopefully long marriage it’s nothing. If you’re married to a guy who’s so sensitive to your appearance that he has to be included in every minor decision you make then that’s a pretty crappy marriage and that’s a pretty crappy guy.
Thank you, Truth for commenting. It was a “transitioning” period for both of us. Our hair is the least subject that is discussed. Yesterday, I let him see my hair in an afro for the first time in awhile and he liked it. I realize my big chop was difficult for him and for me. I was unsure and lacked confidence but now I know it was the right decision for me. I still get weird looks but my natural journey continues. lol
I believe that your husband will come around. He hasn’t mistreated you, he just doesn’t like your hair. You are not your hair, and it sounds like he understands that. I think a part of it is expectations, the expectation was that he would be just as excited as you. Whenever we put our expectations on other people we will be disappointed.
I’m blessed my husband loves my natural hair and calls it “the natural”, like its own entity.. Lol
Oh and to the troll, only 1% if that of the black men I know have ever even dated a white woman.. And no shade two of my best friends are white and I could see why any man of any race would like them, but to be honest when we are out most of the brothers are looking at me, and some of the white guys too.. Lol… My black is beautiful 🙂
Loving My Natural Hair:
He did. I did. We finally accept or quietly tolerate my natural hair. It was the initial shock for both of us. I had straight hair for a long time now it is two inches short. He saw me transitioning so it wasn’t a big surprise–to me anyway. I have acknowledge he has a preference for straight hair and that’s okay too. He wasn’t outright rude or unkind either. I needed a change and was tired of “chasing” the relaxer wheel every six to eight weeks. I wanted support but he wanted my straight hair back and that wasn’t happening anymore! As my hair grew, he complimented me a few times (even when it was short-er). I am grateful to sites like BGLH who always uplift and encourage! Thanks for commenting!
Men don’t often comb the blogs and study the youtube videos that us women do,so they may not have a great vision of what natural hair can look like. We see great hair, and great styling all the time so we know how amazing our hair can look. Once he sees what you see and how confident, radiant and beautiful you look,he will accept and love it. He just needs time to adjust to a brand new you!
ManeOrgins, it is true. I was a initial shock for both of us. I KNOW he has a preference for straight hair. It took time but I think we have grown just like my hair did. We both needed to adjust! Thanks for commenting!
We have to remember that our spouses & boyfriends got with us when we were relaxed or pressed. They are not used to dating you with short hair. My bf hated my “big chop” as well, I noticed facial grimaces when i would wear certain styles, he never compliment my hair, and he felt as if I wronged him by cutting all my hair off. Although this my hair & my journey, I should’ve considered his feelings. Im 15 months post chop, shoulder length hair (blowouts) & now he’s starting to come around. I felt so uncomfortable my first year, I wore braids for the first six months. He likes some styles morethan others. We just gotta give our men some time to get used to the new doo.
So true, itsmsdannie! I agree with you! Thank you for commenting!
How many threads and same stories are BGLH gonna do like this??? This subject has been covered 50 times already. Glad I stopped coming. This site has nothing to offer anymore. I use to check this site daily. Now, if I breeze thru after a month, I see I haven’t missed much…
Vonnie, perhaps you have a personal hair story to tell (I’m listening).
I did a mini chop since my hair was cut in a short style. I didn’t transition any so my hair was about an inch long. My husband was really supportive. He was thinking it would be shorter lol. The women in his family have long hair natural or otherwise. He actually had to defend my short relaxed hair to his mom because it was short. Now No one ever says anything about my hair. It is definitely a good feeling to have the support of your spouse from the beginning. I hope your husband comes around.
Hi Knettle! I am glad you had support because some don’t. I lot of people had there set ways about what beauty is suppose to look like. He has come around and even given me a compliment or two. I KNOW he has a strong preference for straighter hair and that’s ok. Relaxed or natural, it’s still me.
Maybe you should have let your husband know you were unhappy with your weave and or chemical treated hair to get his point of view on things. I’m sorry but you were in the wrong for chopping off your hair without at least discussing it with your hubby. I’m sure if your hubby decided to grow a long arse beard, quit wearing deodorant (due the harmful chemicals in it) or gain 50 lbs (because he wants to bulk up) or grow a dreads you would have an opinion on that. You were wrong for making a huge change about yourself without getting your partner’s take on it first. You are married you should know better. Would not be surprised if you lose him because he obviously doesn’t like your new look. Thanks for sharing and good luck to you!
This comment is doo doo and rude. Even if the man were to stop wearing deodorant, there are thousands of all natural deodorants for him to use, so that point is stupid. If he decided to grow dreads, I’m pretty sure it would not be a big deal. After all, they’d be a natural hair journey TOGETHER.
Now, if he definitely did not care for it, he would have said something purposefully mean or told you explicitly to to straighten it…or just plain “I don’t like/care for it.”
The fact he’s been pretty quiet about it, and the reason most people are, is because they’re waiting to see how it looks long. Most people don’t care for a TWA because it looks boyish and awkward for a lot of people, but once it grows out everybody loves it. If they don’t like it curly they love it when its straightened because it’s long, healthy, and YOURS.
Just give it time, black men usually come around once they realize they won’t have to worry about their fingers catching on tracks and clip ins when they play with your hair.
Women always like to be in the right. You don’t make drastic changes to your appearance without consulting your partner. Truth hurts! Plain and simple. Ask any man. Some men do not like natural hair. Her husband is one them. Women like to over look the fact men have preferences.
consulting…what is it to meant? I hope you don’t mean to ask directly. If it mean ask ” May I have big chopping? ” but a properly conversation is fine just a little warning to husband. It is funny because husband seems to be fine when wife get haircut regular or dying hair also weave. But big chopping…he is like a silent lamb or freak out. I dunno if I wanna consult my future husband anymore. Think that way what if you are on some medinice that make you put on drastic changing to weight ? will husband be mad? We aint having time to consult husband on every single thing even thru we are “1” in team. Might she forgets! Might she too afraid and don’t wanna feel like she whine too much…I don’t blame. Some husbands can act like they are your own bullies.
Treacle234, I may have failed to mention that he saw me transitioning. I did not show up oneday with inch high hair. I don’t blame him nor am I upset anymore. The BC was a shock to both of us at first. For the most part, if it is going to make me happy, he is all for it. He as a preference for straighter hair and I know that. I did not BC to spite him. Happy wife, happy life. No, he didn’t like my hair–hated it and so did I at first but felt freer. We have grown hopefully over the hair issue and onward to other things. I hope. Thanks for commenting!
Thank you for sharing your convictions, growth, and courage that your husband loves you more than your hair. . . And when it grows out, he will write a post about how beautiful his courageous wife is.
Thank you, Ms. Marcy! I appreciate your comment! Relaxed or natural, WE ARE BEAUTIFUL! Thank you! Thank you for commenting!
I kind of think for him it may just be the initial shock of not only seeing it in it’s natural state, but also so short. I think once it grows out and he’s had a chance to adjust to seeing you with natural hair he’ll come around. It was the same with one of my exes. When I first big chopped, he didn’t like it. At first it hurt me a little, but then had to realize I went from long typically bone straight styles to short kinky hair pretty much over night. Once he got used to it and it started to grow out, he liked it and I had to get him to quit touching my hair. lol. Hopefully he’ll come around. I mean it’s even an adjustment for us ladies to get used to being natural.
i agree with them , he will come around. He is just not adjusted yet. There are a big difference between not supporting and adjustment…if he had not supported, he would have left ya for relaxer girl or called ya nasty names. But he didn’t probably he is just afraid of the new you and not adjusted yet. My own bro was kinda disappionted at first when I went natural cuz he didn’t like the idea that I looked boyish. I guess he is used to me having meduim shoulder length hair looking girly. But later as my afro-texture getting bigger, longer. He was like wow..you do look prettier than before. I am sure he is regertting of what he said or acting before with me big chopped. Because he is protective of me and never want me to feel hurt or scared of him.
Just give ppl time to get adjusted. It does suck a big time that they aint saying something nice like before. But wait til they see your hair grows bigger, they will change along. My mom was mean at first then she learned a lot later and asked if she could take me to portair. JUST me alone to pose? LOL…what is going on? Natural hair does change everything!
Andie, I agree with you but long hair seems to equate a woman’s beauty status–for some. It was an initial shock for both of us. I did transition for awhile but became extremely irritated with the two texture and just BC’ed. My hair is a bit longer now. I do acknowledge his preference for straight hair. Hopefully, we have grown beyond this. Thank you for commenting!
Tell your husband that until he relaxes his hair, you will not be relaxing your own. I don’t understand how a black man can hate a feature on a black woman that he himself has.
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Popcornnutman, I must be wiser with the pink tornado–my tongue. I still speak my mind but I understand he has a preference. I am not single and must consider his thoughts as well even though I am doing this natural journey for myself. As my hair grew, we grew too…grew beyond the issue of hair–at least I did. It was a shock to him as well as me. I had to learn to love my hair all over again. I had to get to know what it can and cannot do. There are so many other wonderful things about me than just hair…dare to look beyond the wall….thanks for commenting!
I just did the big chop, and my husband loves it. He adores my short hair. He’s always there with me on my hair decisions and he supports me 100% of the time. I love him. I couldn’t imagine him being like that at all.
Stacie!
I am glad you have a loving support system and loving husband too! It is good to hear stories like this! Thank you for commenting!
Look at it from the eyes of your husband. He is in shock that’s all. He sees the new and improved YOU.
You mentioned you felt liberated (of a person showing freedom from social convention and traditional ideas) . He has not been liberated yet. You will help him in his on personal journey to be liberated and he will love you more for sticking with it. I am so impressed that you are kind and patient with your hubby, because friends and family maybe saying negative things to him about your hair. He may not know how to respond. He will learn how from you, the person he loves.
Thank you Deedeemaha!
It was a shock to both of us and I have looked at it from his perspective. I felt liberated because I finally get to deal with my real hair vice the old relaxed ends. I could not take it anymore and I BC’ed after seven or eights months of weave installments. My hair has grown now and hopefully we have too. Thank you for your kind words (everyone) and thank you for commenting!
Yeah, he’ll come around, eventually. The best thing is that although obviously you want his support, you’re doing it for yourself, so you can’t go wrong. That phrase though, you’re ‘a natural now’. I think the whole natural ‘movement’ is fabulous (understatement), but I think it sort of makes us just having our hair as we like it as a thing, we aren’t women, or girls, we’re ‘naturals’, it’s not our hair, it’s our ‘natural hair’. Well you know, it’s my hair, and I want it like this, and I’m not an anything, I’m a me.
Also, for what it’s work I think you look stunning in the photograph, what is everyone else looking at!!
*worth
Bravo, Ta! So true and I agree with you! Thank you for the clarification and commenting!
I’ve been natural for a few years but was living abroad in Germany where literally no one cared. It’s funny being back in the south now where family and friends have just not said anything. When I first came back I had Senegalese twists in which everyone loved. When I took them out, literally no one said anything, like we love it or hate it-everyone’s been pretty mum..but this is my hair and all that matter’s is that I’m happy with it.
Thank you, Chandra! Let that be our guide when we lack support, “…but this is my hair and all that matter’s is that I’m happy with it. Thank you for commenting.
It sucks to hear that your partner wasn’t more supportive. Like another commentator mentioned above, my husband too was right by my side when I cut off all my hair. I was natural for a while and my hair was down to my lower back and I decided to cut if all off again this past summer and, again, he was right by my side and constantly tells me how classy and beautiful I look with my tiny little fro. It’s too bad some men can’t understand how important this is to us. Hopefully, your partner will come around!
The initial BC can be hard for both parties to handle at first. It had to “grow” on both of us. I am over it now. I think he is. I do know he has a preference for straight hair and that’s ok too. I am still enjoying and finding wonder and amazement at all the things our hair do. Thanks for commenting!
When I first started transitioning, I don’t think my boyfriend was on board but he said nothing disparaging. When I cut it, I knew he didn’t/doesn’t like short hair but he said nothing. Now that it has grown, he likes it. When I straightened it for my birthday he loved it but then 2 days later asked me if my curls would come back. I have type 4 hair. I’m black (Jamaican) and he’s hispanic (Dominican) but I have received tons of compliments from men; of all races. In Harlem, they called my hair a crown, and praised me for looking like “…a real female”. At home (Jamaica), I was called “Empress”. I mention this because I hate to see the comments lumping black men into a group as hating natural hair and not valuing the black woman. You can find value and/or ignorance in any man of any race.
Your husband will come around. Give him some time.
Thank you, Pat and he has (I think). It was a shock to him as well as myself. I know he has a preference for straighter and longer hair. I acknowledge that. Like my hair, I hope we both have grown up and out and “beyond” it. Thank you for commenting!
First of all black men are serious about getting with white women and I mean ALLLLLLL of them are. You will not meet a black man who wouldn’t take a white woman over a black women. And that is a fact. We all know this, just don’t want to admit it to ourselves. Yes we brag about having a “good black man” but most black women do not have a good black man. Black men have the highest divorce rate in the country and that is because other races of women finally figured out how bad black men are.
One thing I can say about this woman’s husband, is that he didn’t insult her to harshly. But imagine what he USED to think of black women who didn’t relax their hair before he got married. And how does she know he is just nodding his head while cheating on her with a straight haired woman?Just because he chooses to take a more passive aggressive approach to her “big chop” doesn’t mean all is well
I don’t think we should leave our husbands because they don’t like our big chop, it just depends on how they express themselves about it?? If they a re out and out rude like some black men are,then it’s time to look for a Lawyer. I wouldn’t change my hair because I love it. I am still not impressed with straight hair. I like HAIR. I don’t discriminate on texture. I have loved all kinds of hair. But straight was always the most boring and generic to me.
As for this man, it is ashamed because she may not get much trouble from him anymore, but she could. I mean I hope it works out for them. I really do, but be careful because some men do things in a passive aggressive way.
I am soooo sick of hearing black women talk about how SOME black men are good, MOST aren’t and lets face it, most o f us will never meet a good one.
My best relationships have been with white men. I had a relationship with an Asian and hated it. I don’t like Hispanic men because they generally tend to be sexist and controlling, not to mention abusive as well. No not all Hispanic men are abusive but MOST are. I have first hand experience.
I have dated the ENTIRE rainbow of men, I kid you not, and I mean even some Middle Eastern brothers. I like to try and taste all kinds of different flavors I would never, EVER limit myself to ONE type of guy. And I think it’s sad when Black women take up for and get pregnant by men who hate them.
You have a higher chance of getting married if you are open minded about dating. Willing to date ANY race. I have known that it is best to open up your options since 1975. When I first saw Superman Christopher Reeves, I couldn’t believe how handsome he was.
Welll I hear some black women complain t hey think some black women like me, worship white men, or want to be saved by a white guy on a white horse? Lol to them I laugh, because it’s not about being “rescued” a woman just gets tired of dealing with stupidity after a while and it is enriching to meet different kinds of people.
When I meet someone I am not thinking OH “What color are they?”
I am glad I was not brought up in the typical black American family. I really am because i learned a lot having a diverse up bringing.
I went to mixed up schools, racially diverse places in America and abroad. I know there are racist people out there, sure. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t open your heart to other people.
You will meet more people and have better life experiences.You will be interesting and happier. Because I noticed that black girls who don’t give a FUCK are the happiest.
Believe it or not- you are coming across as very racist yourself.
I think you are the one with the problem . No , I know you have a problem . It’s sad and I hope you get help. There are great black man out there great men of all races , because God is great. Date any man you chose but you should work in yourself first . This is said with love.
@Smartheffa, I didn’t agree with everything you said about ALL black men liking white women. Some black men do grow up in strong black households where they have strong black mothers and sisters, and they aren’t crossing over to the other side with a white woman. I’ve had some black guys say they would’nt ever date a white woman. I do agree that black women do need to be open to dating other cultures because some black men are. It doesn’t make sense to be so loyal to black men when some are crossing over and dating other cultures. Some black women have gotten tired of being dogged out by some black men and don’t want to fool with them ever again! Some of these white women are figuring out these black men aren’t that great either! They see what some of us have dealt with, with negroes!
All Black men do not want White women. My husband, for one, has never wanted one. And he is a handsome, successful, respectable, and, above all, God-loving Black man that loves one Black woman.
@ Nat, with you being married I feel free to ask this question: Do you really think these comments are about who blk men are dating /marrying or about our need as a culture to feel accepted in our own personal status quo?
Smartheffa, you are a hot self hating mess. While it is is true that there are alot of lost and foolih self hating black men out there who chooses only to date outside of their race, dont you dare group every black men into that category. There are very good black men out there who want black women. You obviously dont like yourself and probably had one bad experience with a blackam and now you are just taking out your anger on all of them. Here you are dating every shade of the rainbow and you still cant find happiness. Obviously the problem is you and you need to go check yourself. You sound like a rambling idiot. Instead of responding to the post, you are here venting your hate for black men. Deep inside you are hurting and looking for acceptance and validation from men outside your race instead of learning to love yourself. Guess you have daddy issues. Go see a therapist.
Okay, as an 18 year old young woman. In all honesty here and in no way trying to bash black women or men. I truly believe A LOT of black women having a deep psychological problem. For the life of me I don’t understand why do black women continue to defend and put black men on a pedestal???? Online and when situations like Trayvon Martin happens black women go protest and defend black men and I DON’T GET IT?!?!?! The majority of black women are single mothers, most don’t receive child support, most aren’t even married and have never been!!!! The way I see black women speak so highly of black men how come I don’t see it the other way around? How come I don’t see black men putting ring on black womnen’s fingers? I dont think black men value black women they way black women value black men hence the EXTRMELY HIGH Single mother in the black community. Black women ask yourself this, how come the majority of black children have no daddy in the home? Seriously, sit down and think about it. Especially the ones 30 and younger. A little more than half of black men are married to white women than black women in the UK itself. It truly seems to me the majority of black women are loyal to black men but unfortunately don’t get that back in return. This is our of pure observation from my 18 years of living.Again I don’t understand black women continue to put black men on a pedestal. I really think black women need to open their eyes.
Troll much?
Definitely a troll! Probably some strange lonely guy in Texas. Don’t why I chose Texas haha.
A brother broke your heart. Now you want all sisters to be angry with you. Not.
A friend of mine whom happen to be male hated when big chopped. As my hair grew he constantly asked when I was going to relax. I finally had to ask him not to make suggestions as to how I style my hair. I’m partial to my fro.I know the looks you speak of. I almost respect more that vocal friend. But they all came around. And your husband will too. I had to get used to my hair also. But it as what I wanted so I embraced it. Now 14 months later I would not change for anything. He will grow into it with you. It’s truly a journey.
You know what I liked about this post,was you spoke your mind and I like people like that because you know where you stand,too many women on here like to play nicey,nicey when in fact the honest approach is the best policy,it doesn’t mean everyone will agree with what you say because we are all different and thats OK..thats why you’re you,and they are them.
It is true that in todays Era, many black men choose to date other women,even the most plainest no black women over any pretty black women,not all of these men suffer self hatred,they just want ‘change’ but most in my opinion are doing so out of following the trend.
Its a shame when there are STILL black women who today refuse to date out but as a price to pay some of these women will end up single or just taking any black men they get because the availability of a large selection of black males is not there anymore as more and more black men date other women.
Natural hair is God given however not everyone looks great with this look,if a black man prefers his women to straighten their hair -that is the look that he likes..just as some white women are born with straight hair and prefer it curly,do we condemn the white men for saying he prefers women with straight hair..its all about choice.
I guess it is true- and though I’ve spoken the truth, I’ve left one integral part out:
Though my parents are both of Caribbean descent, it was other black people who have caused me the most anguish about my hair, relaxed or not. You see, it all started when I was a kid, and the few black kids that were in my school called me halfbreed and constantly yanked on my curly hair. My parents literally had the first attraction to each other at ELEVEN years old. My mom was best friends with my dad’s sister, and their relationship spun from there. I am sure my dad wasn’t thinking, “let me snatch up a white woman early!” When they were 19, they got engaged and moved to Canada. That is when the problem started- That’s when the comments started. My mom only looks white because people marry all sorts on their island. I have white cousins with blue eyes, and cousins that are very, very dark (and my dark family includes my father- though his siblings look half white. One brother married a very dark woman, and the other brother married a lighter-complexioned woman. All of my cousins on my dad’s side look the same half-breed colour- oh and we all have very, very…(what’s the correct word? I’m going to say kinky-curly hair, since that’s the name of my gel.)
Though there are very dark women in my family, there are quite a few lighter ones too. This was never an issue in my parent’s country- except when we go to visit after a long Canadian winter and they tell us to get ourselves to the beach and not come back until we have some colour! That’s a running joke I don’t take offense to. But all this talk about there being no good black men really hurt and surprised me- having grown up amongst so many wonderful, strong, black me- even if you suppose that my dad did something wrong the 36 years ago when he preposed to my mom after their 8 years of puppy love (and never looking to another relationship.) I love my mixed family with all my heart and my black culture with all my heart. I thought it was becoming more acceptable, but I guess it is not. I feel like my very pale, blond-haired, black mom, has suffered for that greatly growing up, and is always getting the short end of the stick here too. And alas, this culture of being too pale, has rubbed off on me. I admit I’ve teased my mom too. Now she wears makeup darker than mine to fit in. What an unnessary disaster. Or am I just clueless about some social aspect in the US and Canada? Because I don’t see any problems during my yearly trips to the Caribbean!
Girl, just be you do not try to fit in anywhere, it’s what makes you unique, and tell your mom the same thing. In this system you will never be able to please everyone, people have tried it and many of them have literally died trying. I too was raised in the Caribbean, among people of different races. call me backward, but I never knew skin colour, and racism was an issue until I came to this country. I’m glad though that I am not the sort of person to deny who I am to fit in — I love people of every colour spectrum, but there’s no way i’m going to allow negative self-hating people to change who I am. I even went so far as to talk to my boss face to face who made a derogatory remark about MJ and then on top of it, was laughing. Believe me she got an earful from me, and then she had to apologize. Imagine talking crap about someone when your family has serious mental issue. I wasn’t playing that day either. My policy is, if you really love yourself they’d be no need to hate on others, because you can gauge the amount of contempt a person have for themselves by the amount of contempt they express towards others, the more confident and comfortable you are with yourself the less you feel the need to complain and belittle other. Life is too short and precious to waste on haters. Tell your mom take off the dark makeup and just live her life.
You had the benefit of coming of age in a majority-black country (as my own father did, as well). It DOES make a difference when you are seen as “normal” and the “default” in your own space, and yes, there are things you take for granted. And yes, it does grant you a sort of calmness about life, and give you less expectation of encountering discrimination, so you wind up less attuned to things that might be discrimination. Frankly, I think this is healthy. But for those of us who grew up in majority white culture and have received the negative messages, yes there is going to be extra sensitivity, and yes, there is going to be an internal drive to stick together. Any psychosis black American men might have was imposed upon them by the same kyriarchal system, geared towards the majority and marginalizing the minorities, that caused the problems in self-perception that black American women have. What we cannot allow that power structure to divide us when divide-and-conquer is the whole point.
It’s true that it should not be black American women putting all the effort into sticking together. And it is also true that supporting the black community doesn’t mean cutting ourselves off from wonderful people of other ethnicities — I got no problem with interracial dating, marrying, and reproducing. All I am saying is, yes, it is *extremely* complicated, there is a lot of legitimate pain bound up in it for all parties involved, male and female and whatever else, and it’s not helpful to write any large group off just like that.
I can’t say I understand your struggle or need for acceptance but as black people we all face some sort of struggle and it is a part of life,
I personally feel that darker women face the most hardest struggle especially those with kinkier hair-not only do they face criticism from certain black men in favour of the light skin girls,but they face it in the media-women like Beyonce,Niki Minag,Rihanna etc are among the top celebrities who the white media appeal to and they all have lighter skin..if your dark with ‘good’ hair that is wavy,soft,bouncy or straight you get a pass..
Black men still subscribe to this look which is why they are more reluctant to accept their partners choice of going natural etc because it challenges their belief of what they consider attractive.
I agree with *almost* everything that you say, except I have to point out that if you’re dark with longer hair or hair with a looser curl pattern (I refuse to engage with any “good-bad” spectrum) certain groups of your own people tend to act as if 1. you have some sort of attitude problem — whether or not you have said anything, or indeed, whether or not you have ever met them before, 2. as if you don’t have a right to the hair on your own head, or 3. as if your hair is obviously fake, and they have the right to put their hands on your scalp to search for tracks (and you’re a liar if you say it isn’t fake.) I can vouch for all of these personally. (I can also vouch for how non-black people really can’t tell the difference as much as you think, and don’t engage in those behaviors. They have different behaviors, of course — I’m just saying, hair doesn’t buy a pass, so much.)
When I went off to college, EVERY member of my family (especially the men) told me not to bring home a white man. So, I rarely went out for coffee with any man of another color. Then one day after years of this brainwashing, I heard a few men in my family talking about what they would do to have a women of another ethnicity. I felt the fool. We are the fools not to accept love and kindness from men of whatever group. I did Not say lower our standards of character, but who cares how he looks in the dark if he is a good man. Do not waste your life on men who make you feel betrayed in your spirit. Girl, allow yourself to be open to love from wherever it come. Trust me, that is the begining of healing.
This is truly sad. NO matter your dating history, your experiences do you not give you pause to classify all black men as no good, all hispanics as abusive and all whites as saints. I won’t even talk about the 1 Asian who had the misfortune of dating you. And where are your stats on divorce rates by race? I do know of a study that was excerpted in the New York times about divorce rates- I don’t want to further misguide people as you have as I do not remember the authors of the study or the article that discussed their data.
One thing I will agree with you on though, is that black women should be more open to love from all races. BUt that doesn’t mean we need to say poisonous things about black men. It’s a pity your diverse experiences left you with such a limited mindset.
You went to ‘mixed up schools.’ Sounds to me like the schools mixed you up!
@smartheffa. As an African American female myself, I find it very sad that you feel that way. People are people and regardless of race, some are good and some not so good. I got married to my loving and most genuine African American husband that loves me in a way that I have never been loved before by any human being, not even myself, when I was 19 years old and he 22. We met when I was 18 and he 21. I never “dated” before meeting him and now we have been happily married strong for 5 years, 6 this coming July, and for many more years to come. He always wanted to marry an African American female, not that he discriminates, but because he wanted to match with as close to what he is as possible including skin color but not that alone. The thing that brought us together in such a powerful way and I mean POWERFUL is God and GOD alone. PEOPLE, regardless of race, are the happiest when they have Jesus in their heart and have turned their lives to Him to follow after His ways, truly. For an African American to date outside of their race doesn’t mean that they will have a more promising relationship. Guess what…Whites and other races get divorce just like anybody potentially could. You said yourself you have dated many men of different races. Why wasn’t any of them now married to you? It has nothing to do with race but about the people themselves. For her husband to have responded the way that he did regarding her natural hair, well I can understand. Even I had to get used to my own hair and have learned to love it because unfortunately, we live in a world where natural African American textured hair is often times frowned upon and more recently being more widely accepted and embraced, but still have a long way to go. It goes way back from slavery, to media nowadays. We are conditioned to look down on many things when it comes to the African American race. My husband had to adjust to my natural hair just like I had to and I have been told by many that I have that “good hair”, but he always told me I am beautiful and loves me and my hair even more than before and sometimes more than my own self, and I do NOT have low self esteem. We all are unique and beautiful in the ways that God made us to be and sometimes it takes time to truly love ourselves, but if your don’t even love yourself then don’t expect someone else to. Seek God because He loves you and cares for you like NOBODY else can do, not even a most loving soulmate that God SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED for you like how I have in my husband. I pray that God would touch you in a might and undeniable way that you will change your ways and learn to love yourself and find peace in the Lord and answer to the calling that He has for your life. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen. May God bless you and your family. With much love and compassion.
~Caitlin
Girl, I agree. Black men are far to concerned about physical attributes. WHO CARES WHAT THEY LIKE?! They act like us women have to please them, they aren’t worth that. They don’t want to be seen in public or with their family with a “nappy headed” women. They are so shallow. Some white men are like this but they are overwhelmingly ignorant about the matter, the average white man is not. The average black man is ignorant. Who cares what they prefer, be yourself.
Smartheffa,
WOW! You said a lot good or bad, I admire you for speaking your mind. Let us steer away from generalization. We/you/me cannot say ALL black men or All____men do such and such and prefer this woman over that. Maybe it is your personal experiences that have brought you to these conclusions about men. I applaud you for dating the rainbow! Those who are single should date outside their race if they choose that. Love can be and often is colorblind.
Well, as far as my husband’s passive/aggressiveness, I know all about it. He has NEVER disrespected me or said unkind things about me or my hair. He saw me transitioning so it wasn’t as if I came home with one inch of hair on my head. After seven or eight months, I BC’d because I couldn’t take dealing with the two textures–one straight and this odd curly stuff which I love now. It was a shock and surprise to him as it was to me. He as grown to like my hair or at least tolerate it with sprinkles of compliments from time to time. I KNOW he has a preference for straighter hair and he is entitled to that. I am 99.8% sure he is NOT having an affair over my TWA4now hair.
There are good and bad men and women is ALL races. The key thing is choice.
Congratulations and all the best to you and your natural hair journey too.
The rest of your comment is highly opinionated and uniquely your own voice. All the best to you and thank you for commenting!
When I decided to go from perm to dreadlocks, I talked to my husband first. Not asking for permission, but getting him used to the idea of the change. When I dreaded my hair, he was right there with me, twisting the back of my head with beeswax (I didn’t know then that you shouldn’t use beeswax). When I got it in my head to comb out my dreads and see what my curls looked like, I told him before I did it. Showed him pictures of what I thought it might look like. When I finally did it, he was on board with me. I think your husband will come around, because he loves you and not just your hair. But it’s much easier to get someone on your bandwagon when they’ve been invited rather than hijacked.
Thank you Candice for sharing your story too. Communication is the key. I really appreciate you! Thanks for commenting@!
it actually amazes me how old school relaxed women can be so adamant too… my best friend’s mom actually said I looked ugly after I had big-chopped and I’d just washed my hair so that everything was shrunken up and a little sticky-outy — even I myself wasn’t sure what I was doing then, and I’d regretted not transitioning longer — I know that since she’s from Haiti, there might have been a little language thing going on, and I know Haitian woman can be ultra chic, with all the french influences, but those words stung, especially at that point with all my doubt & impatience. The other day, I flat ironed it after quite some time without heat, and it’s now a few millimeters shy of BSL, and the swoons & carrying on swirled thru the air! but I still remember… :
Ah Gigi! Wow, those were mean words! Again, it is: perception, Euro- beauty standards, mind-set, culture, and preference. Gotta love that shrinkage! I have different lengths all over (thanks to me being scissor happy), but I have few pieces that touch the tip of my collar bone now…just a wee bit! Enjoy the compliments, embrace the positive, let go the negative. Perhaps, they will be persuaded to have their own natural hair journey because of you. You can show them the beauty of your hair. LOOK! It’s curly and now straight! Wouldn’t you like that? I would! Thanks for commenting!
you go girl! 🙂
Thank you, Cindy!
I think your husband will get used to it as it grows out.
I agree! I didn’t big chop because as superficial as it sounds, I just could not imagine myself with really short hair. However, with my monthly “trims” of my relaxed ends for a year and a half, I did eventually end up with collar bone length hair and when not stretched ended up to chin length. This was significantly shorter than my bra-strapped length hair. At first, Hubby wasn’t feeling the curly wash and go fro I rocked, but was ok when the hair was straightened or spiraled. Now almost 4 years later, I am back past bra-length and haven’t straighten in a year and Hubby always comments on how sexy I look. He loves the natural hair and I have to stop him from playing in my hair all of the time (stop disturbing my awesome twist out – LOL)
Not superficial at all. Short hair is beautiful on some women but not all. I transitioned until the relaxed ends started jumping off my head on their own! LOL
Ugonna, he did but also has a preference for straighter hair and that’s ok. It is a wee bit longer now but it is still “me” relaxed or natural. Thanks for commenting!
I’ve had natural hair for almost 14 years now and I’ve had the TWA, dreads and in the last 5 years press my hair out…..family members, partners, co-workers get used to seeing you a certain way and don’t like change. As for the lady who wrote the article about her husband’s response:he may not like it BUT hair grows and if given tons of TLC that short hair’ll grow out…he’ll LOVE it! Sometimes with men I think when it’s short and natural they are put off….when it grows thick,big,full and natural-different story. ????
Sometimes with men I think when it’s short and natural they are put off….when it grows thick,big,full and natural-different story. ????
Even then not always, unfortunately. I have long, thick, healthy natural hair. I take really good care of my hair and spend a lot of money on my hair, shampoo, conditioner, deep conditioner, coconut/sweet almond oil and I still get the crazy comments and snide attitudes.
Sometimes all the back and forth makes me tired. Hair is hair. Natural means what comes out of your hair before you relax or chemically alter it. Period. Some black men don’t like it because they were groomed that way just like we were to straighten our hair as soon as possible. Its not always their fault. All my boyfriends loved my natural hair and three in particular said they didnt mind natural hair they just didnt like to see it looking messy and crazy. And frankly I agreed with them. I have my crazy hair days but neat is always sweet and they never ran after a white woman because they didnt like my hair. And I have had 5. So the problem could be with how we style our natural hair. Some styles are more funky and playful than actually neat and 100% attractive. Hope I’m making sense don’t mean to step on.any toes.
That’s a problem though, black men not considering our natural hair texture “neat” as many natural women don’t. I have never considered our natural hair texture “wild” or “messy” when it has been taken care of, but many people seem to think it is unless it is “styled” to convert it’s texture to an unnatural state.
I find “neat” to be sorta problematic when it comes to hair that has a propensity for poofiness. It can mean combing your hair into an afro if you’re old school, but someone may consider it messy because the curls are not defined. Furthermore, natural hair is unpredictable. It can go from stretched to shrunk, from defined curls (manipulated or not) to frizzy. So some hairstyles might be ruined depending on what we are going for. So, I’m not quite sure what messy would mean when it comes to natural hair.
Well to me messy or unkempt means matted up, looks dirty where dirt can actually be SEEN, meaning there can be dust or tangled snarled strands. Also messy can mean not DE-tangled, seriously entangled or matted up with dirt,little fuzzes, gel or all of the above.
The sad fact is that black men know messy hair from fun, wild bohemian,tousled,natural whatever hair. They see white women with that bedroom tousled look and that seems acceptable to them? They don’t call that dirty or unkempt? They seem to get the tousled hair look on other races?
Most people coming from any race know when hair is messy or dirty. People like to pretend they don’t know that curly hair poofs up. Oh they pretend they don’t know naturally curly hair from “neat” looking hair.
It’s meant to insult a person,they know wears their hair natural. Like asking “why would you NOT straighten your hair, you’re black, black people have bad hair” it is meant as an insult to the way our hair naturally grows out of our scalp. It will never look “neat” to some people.
I have had my hair washed every day and styled in different looks since I went back to natural and I still get the ignorant people BOTH white and black who tear my natural hair down. However I have gotten more positive than negative from people. I have 3b hair and it’s bushy so I have had ex boyfriends hate it and even call me “nappy headed” One called me unkempt. And that was how I learned that some people are just prejudiced to natural hair and will always think it looks messy or unkempt.
The texture of the hair is important, so if a black women has that look-because of its rigidness-it looks unkept-however with white women,it still looks like a nice style due to the way it falls.
White hair or Caucasian hair tends to get greasy when not washed so it is washed frequently and is therefore clean-many black men who date out will contest to this,where as black people need to retain moisture so less washing is more appropriate which tends to lead people to presume black hair is dirty-
A lot of black women go for weeks without washing the hair which I think is dirty,and then there are those who know healthy hair thrives on a clean scalp.
Most black women co-wash or deep condition their hair frequently, in which the conditioner would combine with the dirt and oils and wash it away. Our natural hair does not look unkept, messy, or crazy. That is ignorance talking, plain and simple. As for Kim’s comments; “Actually neat” is white hair according to you people, defined curls, or stretched straight and pinned up. Our hair IS NOT that, and far more attractive. Your opinion is just that; your opinion not a fact of life. I will wear my hair however I want and however I see fit no matter what some brainwashed man thinks, thank you.
Bashing black men and saying go get with someone of another race is such a stupid comment. There are bad apples in every bunch. Trust. He may accept your hair but who knows what sleds he wont accept. Don’t fall for that trap ladies. Remember content of character not the Color of their skin. Also as black women we have issues too. Its not always the men who have them.
You know the authors husband never really said he hates her hair. She seems to feel so cause he hasn’t really complimented her. Honestly he probably just trying to figure out what your doing. Going from being a weave fanatic to just wearing your hair as is is a big adjustment. Sit down and talk with the man next time the issue comes up. Let him know what’s in your head and why your taking the journey. He doesn’t have to like it but should understand why you are doing it.
I like your approach to this, i would agree. Men don’t always talk and trying to assume what they are thinking usually leads to the wrong conclusions. Always talk to the man. It avoids those bad feelings….I know all too well because before i used to just ask, I would assume, and I usually turned out to be wrong (fortunately). He may just be getting used to jer hair, yes.
what a story,
it’s really important to get the support from close people ( spouse, parents, brthers, sisters…)
I suggest you should involve your husband in matters concerning your hair (detangling, deep conditining, chosing the style with him etc..) let him knw the reason why you do all these things, your goals etc..
As you fell in love with your natural hair make him fall in love as well. It will take time probably but I believe you can make it 🙂
First of all, leaving her husband should NOT be the 1st suggestion just because he doesn’t like her hair. She never mentioned anything about any other issues in their marriage & HAIR is not a reason to even consider the separation of a union blessed by God.
However, I do agree that a real conversation needs to be held between her & her husband to first understand why he doesn’t like it and secondly allow her the opportunity to educate him about her decision. That’s what a marriage is all about. If you aren’t married & desire to be, then making these types of decisions about ending a relationship because someone doesn’t like 1 thing you do is probably an indication that you never will be married or it will be short lived.
A union blessed by GOD? IS that why there is a 78& divorce rate in this country? You women with your “God” nonsense are so backward and pathetic.
There are countries where people have secular, humanist outlook and their marriages last longer.Surprise.
Your mythical God is so unreliable it’s not even funny. God myth will not keep her marriage together and it is childish and ridiculous to think so.
Faith is believing what you know ain’t so.” -Mark Twain.
Did some Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on your door?
No one is asking you to have the same view, but your comment was an attack. There are times where objective discussions of the affects religion on society are welcome. I don’t think this was one of them.
Please don’t quote Twain out of context. God forbid someone does that you you!!!! And that’s right, I said GOD!
I keep asking this same question, but I’m still waiting for an answer; why is it that when atheists come on the board they always make derogatory remarks about people, calling them backward, and also question their intelligence? People are free to believe what they want, if people believe in God, that’s their business, and if they don’t the same goes, but to attack people who do believe in God says a whole lot. Are you that insecure about what you’ve been marketing for so long that you have to attack those who believe in God? It’s just amazing the different types of bullying there is nowadays.
Actually believers attack atheist at a far higher rate. Might explain the bitterness. As a believer I have witnessed the hypocrisy of Christians that turns a many against us.
Well I’ve yet to see it. But I’ve definitely seen and heard atheists make nasty remarks about those that do believe in God. Then after that those that do believe in God then say something back to those that don’t. Take as an example this thread; and the one about women being told by their pastor not to wear weaves… I also keep in mind that not everyone that says they are Christians really are. You do have Christians, and then you have counterfeit Christians. Any how back to what this thread is all about….
Well Christians consider Atheists and science a direct attack against their faith and they got out their way to discredit both of them, so I can understand the frustrations. Science and relgion aren’t incompatible but many Christians think it is I doubt Atheists would have anything to say about Christians if it weren’t for bad experiences with them, most Atheists I have met are respectful.
You are off topic, but how can you blame the divorce rate on God,it is up to the couple to put that effort into the Marriage.
The Bible talks only of man and wife not boyfriends and girlfriends so any marriage with God INTENDED is a blessed one.
Wow…. No comment.
Smartheffa, you missed the entire point of my comment. I was trying to point out that Leaving her husband shouldn’t be the first suggestion out of their mouths, especially if those suggesting it are NOT married. She never mentioned desiring to leave her husband & hair is not a reason for divorce. End of story.
So many things…. I know the family conflict. I feel like we all get those looks and comments. Luckily I’m in college and I’m surrounded by other naturals who are supportive.
Secondly, I’m just looking for a man who loves and appreciates my hair regardless of the style: permed, natural, weaved up, puffed out and alluvdat. And I believe there are black men out there who feel that way (so stop making it seem like only white men appreciate the texture… half of them are too busy fetishizing us to completely comprehend what it means).
And finally, I hope this article opened up communication with you and your husband Andrea. None of us know where he’s coming from with his distance with your hair but like all the white people who come up and touch my hair without permission, sometimes black folk need to be educated about our hair: the transition back to natural is shaking a stigma and embracing a culture (and I’m glad you’re doing it for your health)!
Keep in mind that black men have also been conditioned to seeing our hair in a weave or permed. I mean even some of us had to get used to our hair once we went natural because we didn’t know what to do with it. Dont take it personally, it seems as if your husband just needs some time to get used to it. You haven’t mentioned him directly making a negative comment towards your hair.
Give him time,he will come around. Change is hard for people sometimes.
You don’t need him, he is suppose to love you for who you are, if he can’t sadly, you need to find someone who is love and appreciate everything from head to toe, especially if its god given!
My mom is from Jamaica and felt the same way when I said that I was fed up with relaxers (I had the front part of my scalp burnt off in the past and the ‘beautician’ just put a bang over it). After a few years, my hair grew a LOT and she became used to it. I think your husband will come around in time, too. 🙂
Andrea, show him this post. Why haven’t you talked to him about your hair? Sometimes people need to be educated about natural hair, if we want them to understand it. Men are men. Sometimes, they intentionally put the blinders on and avoid communication. Sometimes they’re scared to communicate (masculine identity claims men don’t talk about emotions, I guess). Just talk to him. Let the words “I don’t like your hair” fall from his mouth. Will he really say that to you? Maybe he just doesn’t know what to say because you have never talked to him about it.
Either way, I am glad to hear that you are pressing on with the journey despite some criticism from family. I think some people just don’t like short hair on women. So I know that your critics will stop talking as your hair grows out beautifully. However, that doesn’t give anyone the right to say mean things or try to suggest that femininity is directly correlated to the length of the hair. Forget the naysayers!
By “show him this post”, I mean let him read what you wrote. These words can help open up the communication.
You mentioned twists and a band with a red flower in your hair. I personally don’t like those choice of styles and your husband may not either.
Consider different style choices.
Why should she style her hair for him? That’s just as bad because it really isn’t compromise. (and that was the style he liked so…. irrelevant)
The best solution is to sit down and talk about it. If something doesn’t look good on you, he may be coming from a good place to say it. At the same time, maybe he just isn’t open and receptive to it yet.
I love both your strength and resolution to “do You”!
Keep it up, you might be inspiring young naturals all over the world without realizing it.
ps: men can be the most insensitive creatures ever sometimes…
First let me state that I am all for natural hair, being natural myself. I do think, however, that sometimes we are unfair to our partners (black or white) to expect them to be on board the moment we do our big chop. To get to that point we ourselves have been through a process and, if we are honest, many of us were nervous about wearing our natural hair for the first time without extensions. The big chop does not suit everyone (I didn’t even entertain the idea) and not every head of natural hair immediately looks good as we experiment with products and try to find styles that work for us. Sometimes we are going to get it wrong and there will be days when we don’t even like how our hair looks, so we need to be clear about the reasons our partner doesn’t like our hair.
Eventually we get to the stage where our natural hair rocks and the compliments come in from people of all races as well as our spouses. We know when we first set out that we are on a journey to a ‘healthier’ new self but not everyone gets that – just like most of us didn’t back in the day when we had that one friend who refused to relax their hair.
This is so true. I’ve been natural for nine years; and my first attempt to style my hair after my big chop was not cute.(Although, at the time, my roommate and I thought it was.) Once I found a styling technique that worked for me, things changed. I receive tons of compliments from family, friends, and strangers. And even those family members who had unkind things to say about my first attempt to style my hair nine year ago now compliment my hair, too.
Hi,
I’m an African lady with natural hair. I really don’t understand the natural hair issue in America. Where does it come from? Why is it there. What is it? I remember one time when I visited New York. I came out of a shop and a black woman looked at me like she had seen a ghost. Then she approached and said in wonder, “wow I love your hair” and started feeling it. I had done a wash and go and my afro had shurnk a lot. It looked like a TWA but very thick.
I thought this was the strangest thing. She was black just like me. She probably had the same type of hair, why was she in wonder at my hair. It was just so strange to me. I wasn’t mad I was just perplexed.
Can someone please just briefly explain to me what it is about natural black hair.
It’s all over the continent of Africa too so you do understand what it’s about. The bad half weaves, the perms, the wigs and weaves on babies and toddlers , the “of o had hair like that I would…” It’s the same conversation black women have. Before you ask I’ve been to 20+ countries in Africa! natural! relaxed and somewhere between. I’ve also been to natural hair meet ups at which I’m the only nonafrican. I’ve been told it would be so much nicer straight by Africans. So you do know
There is a natural hair movement in some african countries too (africa is too large for us to speak for africa as a whole, keep that in mind) but natural hair is just good for blow drying and braiding lol. And also natural hair worn out is usually for little girls or people from the village, but most classes, especially middle class to lower class, usually perm their hair, wear braids, or rock weaves. But for Kenya I know the young kids, the 20 year olds are going natural in their own way. Not obsessed with length retention. They usually bleach their hair blonde and rock it short.
i meant to type from middle class to high class
When Africans sold Hebrews/Igbos/Negroes into slavery we were cut off from our heritage & started trying to look like our oppressors. That’s why it’s a big issue amongst “blacks”
Actually, I don’t really understand what all the hype is about either. But then again, I live in Canada, and I guess it would be politically incorrect for a grown person to insult another person’s hair here. When I lived in NYC, I used to relax my hair once or even twice a year, (put it in and wash it out immediately) and I had lots of compliments. Now that I have stopped, zero men are ever interested in me, and even my mom keeps telling me to relax my hair. I have one natural sister, and another sister with straightened, soft, silly hair that goes all the way down her back. She gets mad at my other sister and me and tells us to stop being lazy and to do something with our hair.
I’m a teacher, and there are no black people in my school. Though the kids tell me I look pretty some days and that they love me, they’re always telling me to wear my hair straight like I tried to do once back in October. (The style only lasted an hour). So yes, I do understand that it is hard to go natural, but this whole cultural fascination, here, there, and seamingly everywhere is new to me. I guess it’s like someone said- “cultural conditioning.” I also don’t get the alphanumeric codes that people label their hair with either. I can’t figure out where I fit in. This is all so confusing, and I see that it often causes arguments. Needlessly, I dare say.
It’s a shame that this has been your experience. Hopefully, you and your husband can have a frank discussion about his hangups and how he is making you feel and he will realise that you are still the same person and still as beautiful as you ever were.
I hate hearing that the answer to a man who doesn’t like your hair is a white man. Maybe the answer is a bit more time and understanding or if the man is that bad, maybe we should be looking for men who are more enlightened and less focused on physical attributes.
I’m pretty sure that my husband loves me for me. He met and proposed to me with straight hair but then I decided to stop pressing it. He couldn’t really contain himself when he discovered what was growing out of my head… super kinky, delightfully coily hair. To say he loves to play in it/ on it/ around it is an understatement. He is as black as I am and I thank God that we have each other and that we became friends first.
It really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth when people bash black men, particularly if they have or intend to ever have children. Yes, some of us have strange ideas but this is true of all races. Remain a beautiful person and the same, in every race, will be drawn to you.
I don’t think anyone here is purposely bashing black men,not every women has positive experiences with black men.
I have seen many black men admit that they prefer straight/wavy or long hair
I personally can see both sides because the hair is your beauty,if a man likes long hair its his right.
this sounds SO like me. when i met my husband (black) i ALWAYS kept it flat ironed. even though i’ve been natural pretty much all my life, i had next to no experience working with it in its natural state because i always straightened it (except for when i big chopped, in which case, it was curly by default). in the early days it was the blow dryer and rollers, but once the flat iron came out, the rest was history. the only time i didn’t flat iron was on the rare occassions when i wouldn’t feel like doing anything to it, so when the hubby met me straight hair was it. he was only vaguely aware of my natural hair, and assumed i had a relaxer, in fact, until i decided to just play with my natural curls, see what they looked like, etc.
and then, BAM! my hubby fell madly for them, almost as much as he had for me lol
i couldn’t (and still can’t) talk about relaxing my hair, or slapping extensions in it, without him giving me the side eye and a pronounced scowl. “Why would you want to do anything to your beautiful hair? Ugh!”
i’m glad he thinks my hair is nice, but i always have to remind him that it’s what i think about it.
reading this makes me appreciate his support and love all the more, because his opinion is what’s kept me from relaxing it. i do straighten it ocassionally and he likes it that way too, but he’s always happy to see the curls return.
therefore, i don’t appreciate when naturals suggest that a natural’s answer to curl acceptance is “the white man”. i agree with you, that they should find a man who’s enlightened. if it’s your spouse, you can’t predict how they will react, but just hope that with time and enough exposure he’ll come around and see the light if he didn’t like it at the onset.
it’s important to remember that black man bashing is just as distasteful as black women bashing.
This article rings so much truth. Some black men have a lot of healing to do & I’m lucky to be with a black man who loves me 100% natural. We see it on mainstream tv were black male celebrities beat their chests about being ‘black & proud’but their personal life doesn’t reflect what they preach. The truth of the matter is, if your circle or community isn’t on the same page as you, don’t be afraid to associate with people from a different culture, race as you, but share the same ideologies as you. #We all deserve to be loved & appreciated for who we are!
It is wonderful that u went natural. It’s sad when our loved don’t embrace the decision we make with natural hair. Keep your head up and stay blessed natural sista!!!!!
To me there is nothing more beautiful than a woman wearing her God given hair. I think that weaves and relaxers have been some of the worst things to happen to black women’s heads. I hope that your husband will realize that the Creator gave you your hair the way that he desired.
Black men are scared of natural hair, go get you a white man.
who told you that only white man admire natural hair? Some can be racist or something. Black men can still admire but it is just their type. Some black men don’t wanna date relaxer, weave, natural even thru their own race. Some white don’t date their own race. Just like I say everyone is different w/ standard. What they want and except to search for in lover. Me personally..I don’t mind what kind races as long he has good heart and responsibility, but loving me for who I am and most of all God. Races is meaningless. There is none meaning of love in races.
When you say it, it looks like you are against black men? All are equal and same regardless.
ARE you MAD? Just asking…lol
Ugh, you done wrote a chapter for nothing! It was just a joke, chill out!
It was a really bad joke.
Black men have enough going on then to have their own women leaving them instead of educating them. But that’s another story.
Your comment was ignorance, framed as a joke.
Um… but we collectively, as black women, don’t have a responsibility to ‘not leave’ black men because they have ‘so much going on’. Our only responsibility is to partner up with men who love and appreciate us for who we are — regardless of what they look like.
Sorry, Treezy. I click the thumbs up on your comment, but it registered at a thumbs down instead.
Hey, in her defense, sarcasm does not translate well online and well, we regularly read even crazier (yet serious) comments than yours on here.
Lmao!
0_o