by
Black Girl With Long Hair
By Jennifer Williams (pictured above)
Ready for love and having a hard time finding it, I hired a high end matchmaker. I was so excited – they were going to find my husband! After about a year, I hadn’t had any introductions. When I finally did get a few, both men declined to meet me. So I asked the matchmaker team – what’s going on?
They sent feedback from their male clients – my hair wasn’t attractive. I laughed – I didn’t like my hair either! In January, I went to Las Vegas to visit a friend and to her stylist for a “trim.” Fifteen minutes later, two years’ worth of afro growth was on the salon floor. Big chopped without my permission, I was back to square one.
So I offered to take new pictures after my afro grew out more, in about 6 months. Turns out, they said, their clients wouldn’t find a bigger version of my natural hair attractive, either.
Instead, they sent pictures of “styles” that they thought were more “appealing.” The pictures were of black celebrity women with and without wigs, all with straightened hair.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve been told my natural black hair was ugly and unattractive. In 2001, I did the big chop long before it was fashionable. My family hated it – I can’t tell you how many times I heard I would be so attractive if I would just straighten my hair. After 3 years, I caved in and started relaxing my hair again.
Over ten years later, there is still a great deal of pressure for black women to conform to a Eurocentric view of beauty. Black men, too, have been subjected to our society’s flawed racial logic that teaches all of us that natural black hair is ugly, and straight, long hair is pretty.
I refuse to accept that the only standard of beauty is a Eurocentric one. And I’m willing to stand for what I believe, even if it means being alone. I hired a photographer to take photos to show I’m beautiful just the way I am, sent them to the matchmaker team, and fired them.
I love my natural hair, and I love the woman I am fully in my own skin. Beauty radiates from within, not so much because of my hair, but because it is a part of the woman I want to be who embraces herself totally with kindness and love.
Other black women who are facing the same criticisms will realize that as long as they are wholly comfortable with themselves, their beauty will always be more powerful than any negativity that comes their way.
Photographs by andrewthomasclifton.com and make-up by @makeupbykendel
147 Responses
What happened when you sent your picture with a weave or a wig on?
Good for you! don’t compromise yourself for something as superficial as hair. I find at first glance, guys just are more likely to go for long hair, whether its curly, kinky or straight. I get more positive reactions to my hair from men of all races when it’s long – both when relaxed and my natural fro. Regardless, i just wear my hair how it makes me happy. One thing though – based on the feedback from the matchmaker, i’d add something in your profile (in a gentle, humorous manner) about your hair. Or try a different matchmaker with more open-minded clientele.
Jennifer,
Let me start by saying how beautiful you are! I have been transitiong for almost nine months and it has been touch in go for me feeling less attractive. This is due to relaxers for over thirty years and enough was enough lol! I also feel that when God is ready to put a man in your life that deserves you he will! PS for me also!
I know I am so delayed on a response to this post, but I am a professional matchmaker and the idea that natural hair would be considered an unattractive feature to Black men is just plain ridiculous!
I think the trouble comes with particular styles and not the natural look itself. If kept in a cute and manageable style, I don’t see any reason why someone would pass up a woman with natural hair. It sounds more like they weren’t being honest with you about the real reason why the dates weren’t going well.
I wish you much success in finding love and I am happy to see that you decided to dump the service. They didn’t deserve you anyway. 🙂
I have been insulted twice on the bus about my hair whilst I was sitting, minding my own business. This was done by elderly white women each time. On the second occasion, the woman had a son ready to argue and threaten me.
As a child, I was suspicious of blonde people, especially fake blondes, because they were valued. treated better and sought after. I thought they were manipulative for dying their hair to be that way so they could be treated better.
I still feel hurt when I think about it. like my hair but I realise that most other people don’t.
Hello Anon,
First I’m sorry to hear that you have had to deal with insensitive and mean people, and that they hurt you.
I can tell you that your hair is gorgeous. It’s awesome! And I know this because if you are wearing your hair the way that feels best to you, that’s all that matters.
There are many people who believe your hair is just amazing and wonderful. You will come across many of those people too, I promise.
The most important thing is to accept yourself as YOU want to be. To love yourself in the most healthy way, and to be kind to yourself.
It matters. It really does.
Pity those people who are so stupid they actually open their mouths and let other people know.
Celebrate yourself and your beauty. Every. Day.
Self-love, first, always.
Jennifer
Black men always claim that they want a “real sista” but truth is they really don’t know what they want. I have been natural for 5 months now, I have never cared what others thought of my appearance. I am dark skin and have never been ashamed of it. My man don’t like my natural hair but yet he still remains with me, I told him that this was my journey to healthy hair and that he could like it or not. Before I let anyone dictate how I should live look or be I would be alone. I am who I am and who God made me except it or get out of my life.
And there it is. Well said. Very well said.
I’ve been natural almost seven years. The truth is that it is a choice. It is a choice to manage my hair in the fashion that I do. Natural hair is not a hair style, but it is a method of managing hair. There are celebrity women with wavy or curly hair (think Sarah Jessica Parker) who choose to flat iron, or use a barrel curling iron to enhance their curls. Their are women with fine/thin straight hair who opt to wear clip in pieces or not leave the house post-shampoo without hitting their roots with a blow dryer for added volume. Our choices have consequences and fortunately or unfortunately for the OP, her choice to wear her hair natural is weeding out certain men. I personally used to refused to alter my hair for interviews or appearances, but after remembering “why” I decided to go natural (versatility), I now have no problem straightening or enhancing my texture to suit the occasion. Ultimately it depends on your belief in “choice,” your original reasons for going natural and your hair texture. The kinkier, the louder the statement.
Interesting points, This! While wearing natural hair is a choice, it is also a choice that is not considered, still, a mainstream option for many women. The comparison to women, particularly white women, who change their hair style from curly to straight is not the same as black women who have been taught there is NO alternative for their hair.
The expectation for many of us, as long as we can remember, is that our natural hair needs to be changed into something more “acceptable.” Women who wear natural hair, whether they like it or not, are making a statement against this cultural norm, which exists both in and outside of the black community.
I have no issues with certain men not liking my natural hair. My issue is the assumption that the only way I can be attractive is by changing my hair. My issue is that the only acceptable style for my hair is to straighten it. And those beliefs are flawed, and based on years of self-hatred, and Eurocentric standards of beauty.
At some point, I hope we can reach a point where the way black women wear their hair is as simple as a style preference, nothing more. When natural black hair is seen as being just a beautiful and acceptable as straightened hair. We are not there yet. Someday, we will be.
Self-love, first, always.
Yes, I totally agree with all your points. The reality is that on forums like these, we are discussing things that make sense to us through our lens of “higher” understanding about our hair. Yet, these things are not intuitive for everyone else. Things like physical attraction or liking someone’s presentation of themselves (i.e. interviewing for a job) are subliminal things that happen in an instant. They cannot be negotiated via dialogue about our truth and the freedom of wearing our hair as it grows. People don’t necessarily see one thing when they look at us, but a combination that makes a whole—like makeup, outfit and even our pattern of speech create the persona we project to others. I do not believe that the only way you or any woman can be attractive is by changing her hair. Attraction is not so black and white. A person can be attracted to someone, but not necessarily approach. When men or women have more options (ie. lots of handsome men or pretty women in a room), they start to distinguish people based on sometimes trivial things and end up not approaching someone they are attracted to because they find someone else more attractive. I think our appearance could be a barrier in them taking the time to get to know us. In my observation, many natural friends went natural after being in a relationship, engaged or married. As relevant as their opinions on self-confidence might be, the dating game is much more peripheral and competitive. The natural friends who are actually dating (black men) are either living in diverse urban areas (NYC, Philly) or have long natural hair that frames their so it is feminine (loose curls or locs). Men are drawn to “soft” and feminine things whether external or in personality. Broad generalizations based on my observation.
Yes, men are attracted to “soft and feminine things.” That very statement proves my point – that we have been conditioned to believe that natural hair is not soft and feminine. As you have just pointed out, there is a certain “look” that is seen as the only one that is attractive, i.e. longer, straighter hair.
The point of this post was that many women with natural hair, particularly women like myself with 4c hair, will never have “long hair.” Simply put, our hair doesn’t do that. It shrinks, and that’s fine, or at least it should be.
The point is not that men and women need to be drawn to one thing or another. The point is that natural hair has not been presented as a option for soft and feminine, and attractive. The point is that we have been taught (we being black women) to believe otherwise.
Natural black hair, too, should be seen in the same light, because it is attractive and beautiful.
My principles have no value if I only stand for them when it is convenient. This entire ordeal has been very inconvenient and disappointing.
I am well aware of the nature of dating. I am well aware that many men prefer a Eurocentric standard of beauty. And I choose, at whatever cost it is to me, to stand against that and believe that black women with natural hair deserve to be considered beautiful too, because we are.
The idea that my natural hair is a barrier to someone approaching or wanting to get to know me speaks again to the bias and issues surrounding natural black hair. And they need to stop. There are far too many negative stereotypes we have all been conditioned to believe about natural black hair (militant, manly, unattractive, etc.)
None of this will stop until women, like myself, begin to say enough. My hair is beautiful and fine just the way it is. I do not expect this stance to come without sacrifice – I have, and will, continue to sacrifice.
And because I love the woman I am, the one who believes in who she is, loves herself as she is, and has no apologies whatsoever to a society that has taught her since she was a little girl that she should believe otherwise, my hair stays kinky. And I am perfectly fine with staying single – trying to bend and change for other people is exhausting, regardless of the circumstances. Self-love, first, always.
Cosigning again on your thoughts. Just to clarify, I do not think that our natural hair is a barrier to someone approaching us. I was saying that our overall appearance could be a barrier since men are visual. I also believe that the “look” that is seen as attractive isn’t necessarily longer or straighter hair, but hair that is healthy, luscious and face framing. I was once told by a white friend that I should wear my hair down more (while natural) and I dismissed it as irrelevant because my hair doesn’t go down. It grows up and out. She didn’t get that. Yet, I later got the “idea” behind it which was to accentuate my femininity since hair is a woman’s crowning glory. That doesn’t necessarily mean adopting a Eurocentric appearance (i.e. flat iron or press n curl). Some women just pick out or stretch their hair (i.e. Niki Robinson) to bring out their femininity. An afro can be “soft” and feminine too. I think the biggest hurdle is just interpreting what that femininity looks like for women with kinky, non-curly hair. Otherwise, most women just resort to the Eurocentric interpretation of straight hair that cascades down. When I first BC’d my interpretation was to wear larger earrings, lace head bands and more makeup. Now that my hair is longer, I let the volume frame my face or straighten. I share your vision for the way things ought to be for natural women, and I share in your frustration in the way things are.
Kindly GIVE $13 @ God Kept Me Fundraiser The Jamal Strayhorn Accident Fund @ gfwd.at/151Z8ud Thank you for your kindness! GBU
There are all kinds of men for all kinds of women. I have locks down my back and no lack of suiters. This “high end” person is thinking inside her own box. Not to worry!!! Go Girl!!
Thank you so much Soulmama! Love the name, btw! 😉
This has been a very liberating experience for me – more so than I could have realized.
And I am so incredibly grateful for all the support women like you have given.
And my hope is that someone else like me, who has chosen to wear her hair naturally, but maybe isn’t so sure she made the right decision, can take from my experience and all the women here that she did, in fact, make a wonderful decision for herself.
Because she is comfortable with who she is, and that kind of confidence is real and sexy. Self-love, first, always.
Respect doesn’t involve looking at someone who has flaws or has failures and assuming they are the result of his inferiority. It is about looking at someone with flaws and failures and believing that – underneath what’s on the surface – there is a capable, whole, decent, human being who has experienced challenges that we have not.
wow, this is serious. perhaps your matchmaker was only sourcing men from a sspecific cohort who prefer such hair texture. the truth is there are so many BLACK men who actually prefer Natural hair. So i’m thinking your matchmaker might have filtered them out. or may be the type of men you are looking for prefer straight hair.
Keep looking girl. the right man is around the corner.
themanecaptain.blogspot.ca
Thank you so much The Man Captain! I’ll have to check out your blog, too 🙂
I think I need to spend more time in Canada! 😉
My favorite part of this article is when you said you fired them.
Thank you so much Barbara Horne! You know, they refused to give me a refund, too. So I lost a lot of money dealing with those fools!
And that’s okay – sometimes in life we have to let something go in order to make room for what is really important.
And in this case, firing them and standing firmly in who I am has given me a deeper understanding and appreciation for the woman I am. There is no price for that. Self-love, first, always.
My beaux and I met in college prior to my BC. I was in the early stages of transitioning from fried, highlighted, chemically relaxed hair back to my naturally full, dark and coily hair. From the very first day we met, he was trying to convince me to cut off the relaxed hair and wear my hair however it naturally grew. He literally would tell me he hoped it grew in super kinky! He was the first man I met who openly PREFERED any woman with her natural hair, no matter what ethnicity, but especially black woman. He was pleasantly surprised when I told him I was in the process of transitioning and constantly encouraged me to BC, so I wouldn’t backpedal on my decision. Over a year into my natural hair journey after rocking a TWA, short twists, coily little wash-n-goes, he still calls me beautiful openly dotes on me; even reminding me to enjoy my hair at ever length, especially my short hair and not to focus on “long hair” goals.
Moral of the story ladies, real men who’ll love you just as the good Lord made you exist. Continue loving yourself as created and walking tall with all your bodacious confidence. And don’t hypocritically confine yourselves to waiting for a good “black man”. Your man can come in any shade.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/image-10.jpg[/img]
Luck of the sista I’d say. Sadly, that’s not the same case for many black women as their beaux may become increasingly distant, makes indirect comments of his hairstyling preference, or just blatantly says “I like your hair natural, but are you ever going to straighten it again.” From the pics, looks like your man is into the natural thang given his obvious style preference (you know his afro out, nature colored granola tees??) soooo yeah. Kudos to you for having him in your life *kanye shrug* ????
that’s where character comes into play. if you marry a man of character he’s not going to insult you or wish you were smtg other than how God created you. my husband tells me my hair is just as much a part of me as everything else about me and he wouldn’t have it any other way. seems like a lot of these women are dealing with shallow creatures that are hardly worth their time or thought.
Amen cacey, and beautiful story and couple. I agree that there are good men out there who are decent, caring, and have character, but I gotta admit, they can be hard to find sometimes.
YAY!! What a wonderful story and you’re a lucky girl….he’s pretty hot honey! The two of you look amazing together and I wish both the best 🙂
BGLH staff,
How’s about another new segment to this wonderful website?
Love is in the hair..
i love natural hair.i have the sane exprience of not finding the love of my life because of my hair.i will always walk with my head high because am natural
Thanks Jennifer for sharing your story.Non of us created ourselves. No one chooses to have a particular skin color, eye color,or hair type. I experienced the same issues as yourself earlier this year and some family members were the worst critics. But I fell in love with myself even more after getting criticized. Real confidence comes from remembering that non of us will live on this earth for ever and that we are all aging and will lose our hair whether it is curled or straight.The world is so big: there is so much to learn; so many interesting places to visit;interesting people to meet; interesting things to do;I hope our hair won’t prevent us. Your story is inspiring.Thanks for sharing it.
The matchmaking service clientele was probably limited and primarily not one that was open to women with natural hair textures. I’m sure she would have had much luck with other dating services–I did while I had a short natural. I think she should have just tried another service.
This is a good observation Kali! It was a national company, and that was a question I asked about prior to joining. The “guaranteed” their were plenty of male clients who would be interested in meeting a woman like me.
Plus, for the fees they charge, they should have been more honest and realistic about the type of clientele they had, and the possibility of making a match for me.
To misrepresent their client base, and then pass the blame of their failures onto my natural hair texture, is obscene.
This wasn’t just about finding a husband and the matchmaking. It was about even presenting the idea that my natural hair was the issue. (It was not the length – it was the texture.)
I wrote the article because of the ease with which this was done to me. And I know this is happening to other black women, in other ways, some subtle, some obvious. Either way, it needs to stop. Self-love, first, always.
sis they should’ve given you a refund….IJS….they didn’t do what they said they would do….thanks for sharing your story with us
Thank you so much Miss Dee!! Self-love, first, always.
You are gorgeous! Beautiful inside and out
OP you are beautiful inside and out as your photos, story and comments have shown! I wish i had a mentor like you growing up.
I love this post and the comments. BGLH has had some raw and interesting posts/discussions lately that other natural hair sites do not even touch. Love you all! It’s amazing to see the growth of self love happening in black women all over the world. We have a ways to go but thank God we finally started the journey!
Much love my beaitiful sistas <3
Thank you so much Deb!! You’re right – we need to be out there letting young sistas know they are beautiful just as they are! Self-love, first, always.
Seems very strange. I have seen so many natural black women married with children to men from all races and backgrounds.
Exactly. My ex husband is Hispanic and my partner now is German/Irish. Both adored my hair. And it was VERY short for years.
I just want to add, from listening to other naturals and also from watching “dark girls”the documentary by Oprah. Our societies standard for beauty are influenced by Caucasian standards. that is color of the skin,the coarseness of the hair. Which is so strange to me since we are not Caucasian, we will always feel that we are falling short when compared to that standard of beauty. But the point I really wanted to make was that most times more than likely it is the other races who appreciate our blackness ( the things that make us unique like our hair and skin)I will often get compliments from other races that my skin si soo beautiful and that they love me Afro. (I had locks for 8 years and recently cut it) but ppl within my race have told me “why did you cut your hair and now have it out in the air getting hard?” referring to me wearing a twist out.
and to be honest, MOST if not all of the black women i’ve seen both in real life and on the internet who were married to white men had natural hair. so…idk if her date prospects were black men or open to all backgrounds, or what. personally, my husband (a black man) loves my hair. everytime i mention relaxing it he gets mad. lol
this lady seems to be having bad luck…
This is true for me. My husband is white and when we met I had relaxed hair. I went natural a few years ago and he loves my natural hair. My mom once blow dried my hair and he was worried that it was going to stay straight, he kept asking me if it was going to go back to its natural state. Not all men prefer straight hair, you will find somebody that will appreciate your natural beauty.
Thank you so much Valerie! Natural hair is stunning and beautiful, especially when the woman wearing it is completely comfortable with who she is. Self-love, first, always.
Hi ladies,
I’ve read thru many of the comments. I 2 support Jennifer in her journey. However, the actual truth is that in 2013 our natural hair hasn’t been embraced by society and it is a high cost 2 lose a job interview and possible job over it. Men do like long straight hair and single women need 2 look their best. Why do u think so many brothas r with white women? No, it’s not only cuz of their hair, but cuz they have been taught that those European qualities r 2 b sought after.
Life isn’t fair, however, I’m still rockin’ my natural hair. U can thumbs down this comment as many times as u want but this is a reality and some 1 had 2 say it. Good luck 2 us all in this journey.
I hear people say the things you say, but I’ve never had men in my life “prefer white women” nor have I had them not like my hair. It depends heavily on the man. You can’t say things like, MEN LIKE…no more than you can say, WOMEN LIKE…We are individuals.
Who we are is all that ever matterd
The sooner you realize the reason our mothers and fathers
ever raised thier hands to fight was because we were treated as
less even after we were set free the people not just us of color
for we all shine as a whole, we are subcontiously taught to live and believe in an image that
was never painted by ourselves the inner self is not loved not respected but rather this fake image of make up and wigs and poloish and powder and borrow this borrow that put on a show and for what why
because misory loves company and what better way to insult or hurt then to seperate us
from who we are to love we must make a relationship with our inner self not just what you see in the mirror who you are what you like what you want to do what makes you happy cause thats all that matters….to be or not to be….Just be and You can be free
Interesting points Jessica! Thank you for posting – we need to hear all voices.
I, as a black woman with natural black hair, look my best exactly as I am because I am completely and deeply comfortable with who I am.
The flawed racial logic we have all been subjected to has taught us that our “best” is forcing ourselves into a standard of beauty that is unrealistic, unhealthy and false.
To change this, we need to change our minds, and accept the truth, which is that natural black hair is a standard of beauty, and a glorious one at that.
I happen to believe that if a job declines to interview me because of my hair, then it doesn’t sound like much of a job, anyway.
In terms of costs, there is no value for self-worth. And if you can put a value on it, then it wasn’t worth anything to begin with in the first place.
I cannot speak to why certain men choose to date and marry women of certain races. And it doesn’t really matter – focusing on such broad issues that have little to do nurturing my spirit are detrimental to my personal growth and self-love.
I believe our energies need to be directed towards loving ourselves and nurturing our spirits. Self-love, first, always.
You see that’s just it
Life didn’t do anything but just be life
We are the ones like You are the one
who places the blame and all the disapointment,
high standards low standards
respect no respect life just is and we exsist within it
we are the ones who make the choices and place the grades and labels
when all we have to do is be ourselves love who we are
and have faith to be who we are just because and for nothing more
to love and love for what loving is not what you or anyone wants it to be
but to breathe and drink of it for all and in and throughout
I do not know you but I love You live learn and grow
To truly help eachother we must look inside ourselves
self affliction and self hatered are what cause the judging and the lashing out
jealousy insted of admiration insperation instead of melicious intent
to learn from one another instead of envy eachother
……McQuillan.D.Joye
Most of the black men and I have run into with this menatlity are from certain parts of CA. I dont know what is going there, but some of most self hating negros I have ever met are from there. Now this is not the whole state but specfic parts. NM is also another place. Alot of those in NM are from CA. I am military and that is just my experience. Its not scientific fact. Majority of black men dont act like that, most I know prefer LONG natural hair.
All I can say to this post is “Amen”!! Oh yes and Jennifer you are absolutely beautiful, inside and out! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Sooo true…applaud for this. I love it:) Your soulmate will come around soon, right now he just preparing for you:)
Diedra – congratulations on your big chop! So brave! Such a milestone, because it’s not just about hair, but about embracing yourself for who you want to be.
I believe all women have a sense of the woman they want to be, an image in which they are complete, and believe unquestionably in the beauty of their spirit and who they are.
The key is to listen to your spirit and move in the directions to nurture it.
We are still, unfortunately, pioneers when it comes to educating those around us about the beauty of natural hair. That’s okay – be who you are, love and embrace yourself fully with sincerity and kindness, and the world will catch up.
And while it does, you will be solid and unmovable in the love you have for yourself. Taking better care of your body is a sign of that.
Thank you for sharing your journey. Best of luck to you as you begin so many new adventures in your life. Self-love, first, always.
I really appreciate your insightful comments to others…mainly do and be you love you first! Thank you!
Jennifer you are absolutely gorgeous! The way you were treated saddened me because that is a problem we naturals get on a daily basis. I use to have very long relaxed hair and my friends would tell you that me going natural would be like World War 3 happening! LOL Guys would try to talk to me when I was relaxed. Then I decided to go natural Nov 2012 after much research and also after seeing my mom’s hair fall out due to her already sensitive scalp(had chemo in the past and still dealing with the after affects). I big chopped in May 13 and I absolutely love it! It has made me more aware of myself. I can’t hide behind my hair like I use to. I feel more confident. With all that, a sista in Boston is getting no love! LOL But you know what, I am actually ok with that. I would see ladies saying going natural was liberating and changing and I would be like, ok, it’s hair. But going natural for me REALLY was cleansing. My self esteem was low and now I have been told I walk differently and carry myself differently. It has spilled over to me starting my own business in natural hair and body care. I will be going back to school to become a Certified Clinical Master Aromatherapist. I have changed my lifestyle of eating and started working out and losing weight. If I give up my natural hair for a man, what else will I have to give up? When God sees fit, He will send you and I a man who will love us no matter what and would not try to change us, cause what we are is what he is looking for. Blessings my sister!
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Have a HHJ!
You are Beautiful.
Thank you so much Isha!! Natural hair is beautiful:) and embracing and loving who you are is unshakable. Self-love, first, always.
Ahh, the woes of wanting to be alive in a dull world. This is how I see life: problems when you’re asleep and problems when you’re awake. The world is not satisfied even when folks are dead. That aside, whatever you do in life, just make sure you stay true to you. If you lie to yourself, you give others a reason to further that lie. And keep aspiring to grow in self-love to be the inspiration your complainers need to break out of the box they unconsciously created.
P.s. Many know how to be husbands or wives to their spouses, but few know how to be their spouse’s best friend. Matchmakers don’t teach you how to be friends, they only help you become spouses based on similarities. Friendship is intimacy that transcends similarities and differences. It emphasizes the phrase: seek to understand rather than be understood.
I have heard the same thing – that you need straight hair to get a man. I still struggle with that advice because I wonder if it is true. When I was dating, I straightened my hair. When I found the wonderful man I am with today, I stopped straightening my hair after date two. He loves my natural hair and its versatility. I have been natural for three years and have only straightened my hair twice since then.
I can not be certain that the advice about straight hair is untrue. Because dating is very superficial at the beginning and people make judgments based on appearance. I say, it is best to wear your hair in the way that makes you feel the most empowered, whether natural or straight.
If you want to straighten your hair to attract a man, do it! We already paint our nails, were make up, high heals and all the rest to attract a man. What is wrong with straightening your hair for a date? The next date you can change it up again and let him know you can wear your hair natural too.
Moral – do you!
Thank you SupportiveSista! I do not believe, at all, that the advice to straighten my hair is true in order to date. And even if it is, it does not matter to me.
Bottom line – there shouldn’t be pressure to do so. There shouldn’t be “advice” to “be a little prettier” by straightening my hair. My hair is beautiful as it. There is nothing unattractive about it. To think otherwise is the flawed racial logic everyone in our society has been subjected to.
I choose not to follow it.
I do not paint my nails, wear high heels, get facials, or wear make-up for attracting men. I do those things because I love the way it makes me look and feel as a woman. I’m not concerned if a man approves or not.
And if that means I’m alone, then so be it. I would rather thrive in loving myself fully for who I am than shrink under the pressures of trying to change myself into a false standard. Self – love, first, always.
Jennifer,
You are an inspiration to many of us Natural haired folks. You didn’t cave in your qualities just to find a husband! I don’t know how many naturals would do what you did, but because your strong minded you are inspiring others who you may not even know your inspiring! Always keep your head up my Natural sistah!
Thank you so much KeKe! I caved in before, and regretted it. And I’ve done it all – weaves and wigs included. I have never been more comfortable and happy with myself as now, with my natural hair.
My hope is that more women are able to experience this – loving themselves truly and with kindness. Self-love, first, always.
I think you are beautiful! However, if you spent your good hard earned money on securing a high end matchmaker and you received feedback from the men you dated, that was likely solicited by the matchmaker, then maybe you should at least consider it. All the men provided the same feedback? I’m saying, if you have gone to these lengths to meet him-then why not consider making some tweeks. If you were meeting him on your own then I could understand not making changes but since you’ve invested this much money why not get a return on your investment from this venue. I’m not saying run out and get a relaxer but try straightening your hair for the next profile picture and first date? Then after the second date let him see your natural koils. I get it that you are confident and possess self-love but by making a few tweeks that doesn’t make you loose any of that confidence or love.
Interesting points reese! The thing is my self-worth is not for sale. Nor is it up for compromise to make someone else, matchmaker or man, feel more comfortable about their own biases and mis-education.
The men I was sent were not perfect – but I was willing to look beyond the superficial and be open-minded.
My hope is that black women begin to realize that we do not have to change ourselves, or tweek, or do anything with our hair. It is beautiful as it is.
The money I lost is not important, because I stayed true to myself. That’s worth all the gold in the world to me.
Self-love, first, always.
RE: The thing is my self-worth is not for sale. Nor is it up for compromise to make someone else, matchmaker or man, feel more comfortable about their own biases and mis-education.
Wonderful response! You are such an inspiration! You have a lot to give and seemingly, you give it freely! I hope you are out there mentoring! 🙂
Your natural hair IS keeping you from getting a man…. who is a shallow idiot (especially if he has the same hair texture smdh!!).
Anyway, a great way to find a friend/boyfriend is to have a hobby. Meet people who share the hobby with you. You can find someone who gets you, rather than someone who can look at a picture and say “yes” or “no”. If someone dislikes the kinky and coils on your head (and dismisses your personality for it), they’d probably dislike the blackness of your skin or the way you walk and talk too!
@Michelle, interesting
How so?
Thank you Michelle! I think you brought up a good point – where does it stop? If I straighten my hair, then would the issue be length? Would I be tall enough? Thin enough? Too thin?
I do not believe this is the path to self-acceptance and self-love. In fact, the opposite. Self-love, first, always.
BGLH I am enjoying the ‘True Life’ series keep up the good work…this is a wonderful article, it speaks volumes. I am curious about the high end matchmaker choices…what type of men were you looking for? meaning professional? class? education? I am curious to know…doesn’t make a difference, YOU be you and confident in your look. I am curious though
Thank you Nappy 4C Rocks! (I couldn’t agree more, btw.) My criteria was wide open – I had no requirements for age, education, income, race, etc. Just a decent, open-minded man.
I had this favorite club outfit I wore a few years back. I had lost about 25 pounds after a break up and shaved my head pretty low. I went out one night…and was promptly ignored the entire time. I never ever had that problem when I wore that SAME outfit except with a wig. I even experimented with different wigs and the same outfit to make sure I wasn’t crazy. The long hair always did it.
I’ve been single for quite a while now. I dont meet new men. Where they used to flock to me, I am ignored all the way around. I loc’d my hair a couple years ago and still get no attention. Even with a serious coke bottle shape…i think my hair is a turn off.
I seriously do NOT care and will continue to be natural. This past weekend I ran into an old classmate I dated in middle school and he was totally into me. He loves my hair, and I can’t wait to see what we may be able to do with our friendship in the future. I change for nobody, and I’ll return the favor. Stay strong beautiful! God’s just getting that perfect man ready for you!
Thank you Alliah! There is nothing wrong with your natural hair. Your hair is not a turn-off. What is problematic is that we are all dealing with centuries, and I mean centuries, of mis-education and messages teaching both men and women that one standard of beauty is acceptable.
You are beautiful the way God made you, and you do not need to ever apologize for loving yourself as you are and how you want to be. Self-love, first, always.
First of all I don’t appreciate them saying that too you. It angers me! You are SO BEAUTIFUL! All of you! I just moved from Seattle, WA and let me tell you, the men out there (mostly Caucasian, hispanic, asian) are attracted to women of color especially with natural hair. Now I am back on the east coast and everyone show me love. Keep doing you Queen! forget that company and find a new one that appreciates your lusciousness!
Thank you so much Denika!! *blush* Natural hair is beautiful, and the messages that teach us otherwise need to stop. Self-love, first, always.
UGHHHH!!! Keeping you from a close minded man with a narrow HEAVILY European influenced idea of beauty.
Thank you Charlita! In a lot of ways, I’m grateful I didn’t end up with someone like that! Self-love, first, always.
I find that men love beautiful women, regardless of their hairstyle. I will admit that I’ve always had long flowing hair and when I shaved my head 10 years ago, my husband was not happy. I wanted a clean start and I wanted my chemically treated hair gone and he didn’t understand. Needless to say, he got over it. And I still received plenty of male attention from a much more diverse group of men than before when my hair was long and flowing down my back.
Thank you so much Lia! Beauty is beauty, and there is no beauty greater than a woman who knows herself and loves herself with sincerity and kindness. Self-love, first, always.
Sorry to say but just like the work industry (sometimes u have to adjust a little for the position) . Many places of employment wont hire you if u look too ethnic . Im not saying I agree wholeheartedly however if a husband is what u really want then maybe u need to make some adjustment to attract one . The looks attract them , whats on the inside is what locks them in . At that point it doesnt matter what texture your hair is . Good luck to you.
Interesting point longhairdontcare30inches! Sure, I’ve been advised about the “hooking them in” idea. Put on a wig! Wear a weave! What happens, though, when I have to take it off?
There is nothing wrong with my natural hair. I have no interest in changing my hair just to get a man. I love myself for who I am, and that is far more important to me than “hooking” someone. I would rather be alone, and I’m not afraid of that.
The idea that employment still can be affected by “ethnic hair” is sad. My hair is not ethnic. It just is. And as it is, it’s exquisite, striking, different and beautiful.
We need to re-educate ourselves. Self-love, first, always.
As an HR professional it does still effect being hired. BUT what we need to do as a collective is STOP changing. Like you did Jennifer. We don’t stand for much now days as a people. To concerned with just ourselves instead of the collective.
If we make coming to the interview with our OWN hair then soon it will be normal in other eyes as well. We are too scared to miss out on something and this great need to “fit in” is what costs us from moving forward with our own power as black people. Thank you for standing your ground about your own hair, beauty and self worth. You nee no man that does not want you for you…and people should need no job that wants them for looks and not what is in their head for the job
I agree, I’m not changing my hair for anyone of anything, not a job.. And damn sure not for a man. My attitude of not changing has worked so far, my parents told me to straighten my hair for a job because the managers were white, I didn’t and I got the job (everyone actually loves my hair isn’t that ironic?). My mom thinks its weird how I never “do” or straighten my hair but my man of quite some time now loves my hair and NEVER wants me to straighten it, (he’s also black). The point is to never change yourself for someone else and not that it matters but they might love the real you anyways 🙂
Any man would be lucky to have Jennifer, don’t give up and don’t change.
Thank you so much AC! My mom still frowns at my hair, too:) And that’s okay – she doesn’t have to like it. I’m not concerned about whether or not anyone likes my hair, because I love it, and that’s enough. Self-love, first, always.
Thank you so much ambi! I think you brought up a good point – we need to get everyone educated that there is nothing wrong with our hair. Natural = beautiful.
We do not need to apologize or change to fit into some phony, completely unrealistic standard of beauty. Enough of that madness. Self-love, first, always.
Sorry. I didn’t expect the picture below to load that big. I thought it was asking me for a tiny profile photo to go with my comment. Please take that giant photo of me down. lol
Ya know what gets me? I used to buy into that “assimilation job interview hairstyle” madness and then one day I saw all these curly haired white girls walking around and living their lives, hair blowing in the wind. Then I started wondering, do they put themselves thru the same hair stress? Sometimes their curls were stringy and anemic looking, not healthy at all and the epiphany came!
As long as my hair is neat, clean and pulled off of my face, the texture stays!!!
Why the hell would I try to look like all the other boring straight haired zombies walking around?
Jennifer,
You are not going to have to be alone because you embrace your natural hair. Don’t even accept that crap. I’ve been natural for 20 years and I’ve never had a shortage of dates – of all ethnic background. My amazing partner now is German and Irish. He ADORES my hair – maybe sometimes more than I do. I don’t know what geographical areas they were looking in for a man for you. That could play a big part in the equation. Bigger cities tend to have men who think outside of the media’s “boxed beauty” ideal. You’re beautiful and so is your hair. But you already know that. I love your attitude.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/todra_0713_0003.jpg[/img]
Todra, you are absolutely gorgeous!! Thank you so much! Exactly – I have no interest in changing my natural hair for any reason. It is so wonderful to hear that you’ve been natural for 20 years and loved it, and found that loving yourself as you want to be is the most important thing. Self-love, first, always.
No way.. Leave that giant picture up, you’re gorgeous and I was just about to comment on your smaller profile pic and then bam!
Red looks really good on you too 🙂
Go on witcha bad self Jennifer!!! You look great. Although I’ve only received positive feedback regarding my natural hair, I too, know how frustrating the dating scene can be. I am so happy that you fired the team and kept your hair the way it is. I know too many natural haired women in wonderful relationships who’ve met their significant others and spouses while natural. Therefore, it is possible.
Thank you so much Jeannette! I’m not worried about dating anymore at all! 🙂 This whole experience made me really think about the woman I am and how important it is to love her as she is. We put too much emphasis on changing ourselves to please others at our own expense. And I say, no thank you, I’m fine just as I am. Self-love, first, always.
Men love long hair…this has always been a fact. Also, black men have been conditioned to love long, flowing hair. Even still, there is a conscious, loving man that will love you exactly how God made you.
Thank you Ms. Information! Indeed, there are men who love long hair. Lots of them. However, there are millions, and I mean millions, of women all over the world who have hair just like mine. If long hair is good, then is our kinky coily hair bad?
We’ve all been taught to love long hair – years of flawed racial logic and self-hate have worked.
I have no issues with any woman rocking whatever style she chooses, as long as she loves herself, as herself. Self-love, first, always.
You are right…it has worked on some people…but keep the faith…God sent me a man who loves this nappy headed chocolate woman..lol..he actually asked me to stop wearing pieces (I wore them for length)…so yes men who love us are still on planet Earth…lol…your love is coming…your smile is infectious!!
I agree black male and female needs to be re-educated about our true history and love of self. I have had my hair locked for the past 15 years. My daugther hair is locked as is my man. I have never had a problems with finding a brother. Sister if you want to meet brothers who will appriciate you go to african events. Why do we hate our natural hair? Too much of us look outside of ourself for what is beautiful. Why is it that people outside our race can appriciate our beauty and not us?
Thank you omotola! That’s a good question. It’s incredible the amount of self-hatred that’s out there – it even surprised me.
And that’s why I wrote this, because it needs to stop. We need to be more aware of this and start having real conversations about ending it. Self-love, first, always.
Love this blog, but this is my first comment.
Jennifer, thank you for loving yourself and being a role model to women everywhere.
My husband is white and French. When I decided to ditch my braids for a short ‘fro, then twisted the ‘fro into locs, he was behind me every step of the way. He decided that he was the one for me, so no matter what my hair looks like, he supports the person it’s attached to.
And I only found him by being myself.
Thank you for being a living testimony of the beauty of black women who are true to themselves.
And for firing anyone who tries to tell you to do otherwise.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much FoundLoveInParis! What a lovely story! It is wonderful to hear you have love for yourself, and found someone who see this and adores you for who you truly are.
It emphasizes what I hope other women will gather from my experience – that the most important thing is to embrace yourself wholly with love and kindness, and truly enjoy and love the woman you are. Self-love, first, always.
That’s ridiculous. They are basically telling you to change who you are so that they can match you with someone who can love you for who you are not. There’s no happiness in that. That is way beyond the idea of compromise.
Thank you so much Lena! Exactly – there isn’t much point to matching with someone not being who I truly am. No woman should have to force herself into someone else’s idea of beauty. Self-love, first, always.
On point comment!….Boom!
Never change your etnicity…one can change its figure, clothes or even way of liveing.
Buth your skinetone and hairtexture…NEVER…My opinion
Jennifer, I think you are absolutely stunning. You’re hair is maintained, clean and styled. You have beautiful features and your skin is just gorgeous. You have a great shape that celebrates the curvy nature black women were born with and other women pay for! One day some lucky man will see you and say that’s mine!! Hang in there sista. If a man can’t embrace you how you were born (and probably like he was too) he doesn’t deserve you. Natural hair rocks and I wear my kinky curls boldly right beside you! You made me even more proud to have natural hair. 🙂
Thank you so much NaturalNdaNati! That’s what I hope all women who choose to wear natural hair feel, too – pride, love, and beauty. Because we deserve to have all of those things, just as we are. Self-love, first, always.
You are all kinds of sexy, I loved every photo of you and honestly if I were a guy every kink and coil would make me wonder who you are and can I get to know. The sexiest thing a man has said to me is – when I play with your hair and my hand gets tangled I find it like being tangled in you. You’re full of so many things, you have so many twists and turns and I feel it manifests itself in your hair. <-something like that.
Thank you so much char! *blush* We are, and should feel, sexy and beautiful being true to ourselves and loving ourselves! Self-love, first, always.
amen & amen to this article!
Yes! Thank you!
A REAL MAN THAT APPRECIATES REAL BEAUTY WILL SNATCH A NATURAL SISTA UP AS LONG AS SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL SOUL TO MATCH. WE NEED MORE FEATURES LIKE THIS. SO GLAD MY MAN LOVES MY HAIR AS MUCH AS I DO. HE GOT OVER ME BC’ING VERY QUICK WHEN I ROCKED IT WITH CONFIDENCE AND MY BEAUTY SHOWN THROUGH
Thank you so much Tina for your support! It’s good to know that women are being supported and loved for who they are! Self-love, first, always.
Sista, the camera adores you! Your lead photo is absolutely stunning and should be displayed in all its glory in a Metropolitan Museum of African-American Art.
I’m with you — I’ve received the same sorry and unsolicited feedback regarding my kinks too, but right as I read this part of your story:
“. . . After 3 years, I caved in and started relaxing my hair again.”
right on cue and without missing a beat, I could almost hear Florida Evans scream out, “Damn! Damn! Damn!”
So glad you’ve embraced the beautiful you, just as God made you. The man whom He has in store for you will love you just the way you are — kinks, curls, and all!
Thank you so much Cami! The photographer is amazing – andrewthomasclifton.com. Yes, indeed, I’m embracing my kinks and coils now more than ever! Self-love, first, always.
You look beautiful hair and all….they are NUTS…btw: my male cousin hates wigs and weaves…
Even black men need a re-education when it come to natural black hair.
European beauty standards isn’t the only beauty style…straight thin or wavy hair???? Come on! In the famous words of my white bestie when she was referring to my natural hair, “I wish my hair did that!” have a HHJ!
LOL! Thank you so much TWA3now! You’re so right – there’s so much re-education that needs to happen, and we’re doing it! We’re letting the world know that we’re just fine as we are. I think a lot of women of all races feel this pressure, but I think black women feel it most – enough is enough. Rock your TWA! Self-love, first, always.
You are a classy and very beautiful lady. Keep your head held high and continue to stand on what you believe. Mr Right will come along one day, when you least expect it.
Thank you so much Kelcie!! Self-love, first, always.
You are AWESOME the way you are! Glad you fired that match making team!!! Its funny that now that I’m natural, black men tend to look past me. So when I go out it’s usually men of other ethnicities that approach me or say they like my hair!
Thank you so much Leslie! Yes, I know what you mean. The rejection is real, and it stings. It’s centuries, and I mean centuries, of self-hate we’ve been taught.
That’s why it’s so important to love yourself for who you are – if your natural hair gives you happiness, then your spirit will glow! You are not alone – and you’re beautiful the way you are! Self-love, first, always.
Jennifer, you are gorgeous. I can only agree with the others above — refusal to see your beauty (inside and out) is THEIR (matchmakers, their clients, and sadly, some family members) loss.
Please promise us you’ll keep being glorious? 🙂
Thank you so much! I promise 😉
To all the hard working folks at BGLH…
Thanks ever so much for this blog and all that you do to POSITIVELY promote our struggle.
I don’t think a day has gone by in the last 2 or 3 years where I didn’t log on first thing on my morning commute. And since then, I have NEVER had a “bad hair” day (pun intended).
Thank you so much Just Saying. You’re right – this is a positive place for women who are just trying to be themselves and love themselves.
Shooot! Them folks are crazy. You’re a beautiful woman! It is my humble opinion that you rightly fired those idiots. If they can’t find a man for a beautiful woman, I can’t even begin to describe their incompetence. What a bunch of nuts!
Thank you so much! I should pay you their ridiculous fee and you’d probably do a lot better:)
“Black men, too, have been subjected to our society’s flawed racial logic that teaches all of us that natural black hair is ugly, and straight, long hair is pretty.”
Oh man! Some days the weight of my black skin and natural hair is too much for even me to carry. And then along comes a black man, who instead of helping me carry this load, unloads his, on me!
When will it end? I am going to make a point of encouraging any and every natural haired woman I come across every day. Each one of us is going to de-program every. last. one. of. them.
Away with these detractors! Away with these detractors!
(Must use your best Momma Dee voice)…lol
“Some days the weight of my black skin and natural hair is too much for even me to carry.”
there are times when i wish life had a pause button.
Amen Merry, and Trini Chick, amen! It’s sad that instead of uplifting one another, some black men seem determined to just drag us down while they go running to some overweight, unattractive white woman, really sad.
Let’s get a megaphone for Momma Dee’s voice! Yes, we’re still educating people around us about what beauty means. And some days, it is hard. That’s why I love blogs like this, because here is where you’ll find that you’re not alone. And, you’re appreciated and loved for who you are. Self-love, first, always.
That’s so true, I’m in South Africa and today in the shopping mall I saw a young woman(probably 20) in the Mall in her Afro(its still rare to see Natural hair in Africa due to the weave and relaxer culture) so I gave her a compliment you shlould have seen the look on her face, I tell you!!that look that says thank you but nobody has ever commented on my hair…Now reading your comment above I agree because whereever that girl is she is thinking her hair is All that and beautiful and of course it is!
Thank you so much Khanyi! First, I want to say it is just awesome that you are reading this is South Africa! 🙂
It does not surprise me, unfortunately, that the same flawed racial logic we have here exists there. And I understand how she feels – to choose to stand up to that logic, to deny it, and to embrace yourself as you are can mean you feel as though you’re standing alone.
This site shows all of us, though, that we are not alone.
And the weave/relaxer culture will change, even in South Africa, as more and more black women see exactly what you saw in that young woman – that she was beautiful naturally.
Self-love can be in whatever form a woman chooses. However, it should be her choice, and she should not feel pressured to “fix” her hair to be more “acceptable.”
This self-hate needs to end.
I will say it time, and time again – there is nothing wrong with our natural hair. Absolutely nothing.
Never has been, and it’s wonderful so many women are realizing this.
We will continue to tear down those centuries of flawed racial logic and self-hate, one kinky coil at a time.
Self-love, first, always.
While looking at your pictures I couldn’t help but smile. You are so beautiful, and any man that passes you up for your hair is definitely missing out!
Thank you for sharing your story. Your positive outlook is so refreshing! Pass some of your confidence my way! 🙂
Thank you so much Mary! My hope in sharing my story is that other women will know they can embrace themselves wholly for who they are, and love the woman they are, not some phony image they’re being sold. Self-love, first, always.
I think it is very sad and pathetic that people are basing love and relationship son hair. Maybe this is why so many people are single and/or lonely. be you and do you. I not only love it, I respect it!
Exactly, Alejandro. My wish is that those men find someone who can teach them to be more open-minded, move past the superficial and get to the true spirit of a person.
I like your hair, most men are losers anyway. It is rare to find a good one, even when you have blonde straight hair.
Now that sounds like some real truth Colalover! I think this experience has taught me that going out of my way to do anything to get a man is ridiculous.
The only man her natural hair is keeping her from finding is the WRONG MAN! 🙂
Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you so much MsWatson!
She is a beautiful woman! I agree with previous replies, love you and be true to yourself.
*Blush* Thank you so much MS29!
I love ur hair! Glad u stay true to yourself. I just did the BC about a month ago and I get the LOOK like I lost my mind! I’m learning to love it, I have my good n bad days.
Thank you so much Brandi! You’ll get looks, maybe even frowns. You’ll also get lots of smiles, and people who will tell you they love your hair. As long as you keep learning to love yourself as you are, however that is, you’ll be fine. (And don’t forget the to love yourself fully and with kindness:)
Im so happy you decided to remain who you are and stick with what you love. Men come and go. If it isn’t the hair its something else. Ive been natural several times and had guys say to me when are you going to straighten your hair or natural hair looks unkept..any hair looks unkept if its not kept. I love my natural and if aperson cant accept me with it I really dont think thats my problem.
Thank you so much chinamountain! (cool username, btw:) It’s so easy to cave into pressures to please others. That’s a recipe for unhappiness and regret!
RE: Other black women who are facing the same criticisms will realize that as long as they are wholly comfortable with themselves, their beauty will always be more powerful than any negativity that comes their way.
So good I had to post it again! Stay strong! Love yourself, first and everything else will take of itself!
Thank you so much! We need to stay positive and remember that loving ourselves comes first.
That high end matchmaker is a high end mischief maker who revealed a personal bias – and excuse – for why they “aint matched up no dates for you.” lol. You are a beautiful woman, with an infectious smile and gorgeous hair. Rock on.
Agreed, I love that comment too and this whole article. I can really relate to her story because I know that women often say that black men love natural hair, but lets be honest, unless you look a certain way and have a less kinkier texture, they ain’t paying you any attention. It’s hard enough dealing with the brothers who only want a white, asian, or hispanic woman, and we have to also deal with those who don’t like you because of your hair. It makes dating very frustrating, and I can definitely sympathize with the lady in the article above because I have experienced the same thing. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with some of our men sometimes, smh!
Thank you stephanieb! My hope is that we stop letting unrealistic standards of beauty dictate to us who we are. We all have been mis-educated; it’s time to re-educate ourselves and rock our natural beauty!