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Editorial
By Taisha Feldhaus
When you go to the doctor you expect many things: sitting in a waiting room thumbing through old magazines, getting your blood pressure taken, maybe having to put on one of those hideous gowns. But you probably don’t expect to have your doctor make fun of your hair. However, last year this happened to me.
I was wearing a braid-out, one of my normal go-to styles, when I went to see my rheumatologist. Nothing earth-shattering or especially risqué. My doctor came in, looked at my hair, and made a comment about me looking like I was struck by lightning. I certainly felt like I had been because I was so taken aback that he would say something like that.
You may wonder what scathing denunciation I came up with to make him wish he hadn’t opened his mouth, but unfortunately I was so shocked by his behavior that I just sat there like an idiot. My mind went completely blank and I spent the rest of the appointment uncomfortable and feeling more and more insulted by the second.
There aren’t very many rheumatologists in my area (at least ones who are good at their jobs) so I was faced with several choices: leaving my condition untreated, putting up with his behavior, or saying something to him about it.
Weeks later, before I’d figured out what to do, I had another follow-up appointment and I’m ashamed to say that I put my hair in a ponytail as a stalling tactic so he would have nothing to comment on and I would have more time to come up with something as a response in case it happened again. And I was wrong. He again made fun of my hair. Apparently ponytails are targets for derision as well. I was pissed now, really pissed, which is exactly why I didn’t react at that moment. Responding in anger and without forethought would have made me look bad, not him. So I was still facing the same decision minus one option: there was no way I could keeping going to him and letting him get away with it.
So what happened? The story isn’t over yet because I haven’t had another appointment. But it’s inevitable and now I don’t want to avoid it because I feel strongly that he needs to know that his behavior has been way out of line.
I’ve tried out various replies in my head, but it seems like this is a time to come up with a thoughtful answer. I don’t mean thoughtful as in considerate, I mean thoughtful as in what I say will matter and may affect how he sees black hair in the future.
My last pretend conversation with him has me saying “Do you have a problem with African-American hair?” and letting him respond. Because I’ve been going to him for several years I have a feeling that he honestly doesn’t know how offensive he’s being. He thinks he’s being funny (he’s not). It’s my hope that saying something to let him know that his comments about my hair texture are racist will wake him up to pay attention to his attitude and his words. If it doesn’t, I have decided that I will have to search for treatment options elsewhere.
So, what would you say if your doctor made a derogatory comment about your hair out of left field?
Taisha Feldhaus is a natural hair and gaming enthusiast. You can find her on Instagram @naturalgamergirl.
217 Responses
Acts 10:34 […]truly understand that God is not partial[…] But man however…
I would first clarify as to whether or not he’s purposely trying to offend me or if he’s mistakenly thinking that he’s funny. His perceived racism may just be a poor sense of humor or he may have black women in his life that allow him to joke with them like that. Both Stem from ignorance so they my look a lot alike. Perhaps you should simply and forwardly ask, “when you make ‘jokes’ about my hair are you attempting to be humorous or do you really have a problem with my hair”? It may serve best to try and speak to him BEFORE your next appointment because you don’t want to carry this longer than you have to and you don’t want to be anticipating confrontation when your focus should be on your health. This will also help you determine if you need a new specialist or not.
Just develop a thicker skin about comments. With the advent of social media people think that they can express themselves like they do on line. It was a proper thing to do to alert the doctor. Good doctors are hard to find and when you have a good doctor, bad personality or not it’s a good idea to stick with that doctor. After all it’s your health center stage here not a lovefest with your doctor.
I’m sorry, but I disagree that good doctors are hard to find. Her condition has been around for centuries. There a plenty of doctors who can treat it and have good bedside manners. No one should have to take abuse from someone he or she is paying.
My main concern in all of this is the level of care this doctor is giving you. His disrespect is evident in what he has said to you TWICE, and it may also be coloring the treatment he provides. And here’s the kicker: it may all be subconscious and he doesn’t even realize that your care regimen is substandard. Get another doctor!
I’ve been going to my Rheumie for 8 years, we joke back and forth all the time so I can definitely hear him saying something like that to me and not meaning no harm at all. That man is many things but I don’t think racist is one of them. I would just laugh it off and say something like, ‘talk to God not me, he is the one that gave it to me’. But my Rheumie knows that I had to go natural because after I started Imuran for my condition I was losing hair like crazy. I even cried in his office about it once and he was very kind and reminded me I was choosing to live and that was more important than hair. He even sent me to a dermatologist to see if they could help. The dermatologist was the one that suggested I stop relaxing. Once I stopped relaxing the hair loss stopped so if anything he would just say, ‘glad you found and over correcting solution to that hair lost!’ LOL Thinking about it now, just so happen whenever I go my hair is in protective style, I will try to make sure I go during the cycle when its out so he can see how well its doing. We have talked about it but I don’t think he has seen it. He will be shocked for sure.
Hi Taisha,
Apologies for the hurtful comments from a supposedly medical professional. Please respond with love. It’s obvious that he is not aware of differences among ethnicities. God has given you a teaching moment to enlighten him in an informative and respectful way.
God Bless,
-K
Best and most sensible comment so far..verry wise words,not over-reactional,or confronatatio.
That’s sweet and very Christ-like and as a woman of faith, I respect that BUT there is no way he got through medical school with out knowing the differences amomgst people of different origins. I’m sorry, they teach us that in undergrad. Maybe he just does not realize that he’s offending her…
I have to agree with Keerie on this. Responding with love doesn’t always mean being “nice”. You don’t have to be rude or disrespectful, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be direct in addressing his chosen area of ignorance.
Actually yes you can make it through medical school without a good understanding of differences of other ethnicities. I’m a doctor I know for fact that if I had not been in some classes and places and have no concept of national hair. If you go to undergraduate where it’s mainly majority and you only take the premed classes it’s actually very easy not have a concept of what other cultures and ethnicities go through. The majority this not understand Black Women’s hair, the cultural significance of it, or history.
He needs to receive a complaint against him. That was VERY unprofessional. Not only did he say it once but twice! It is not as though the two of you are close friends and he is joking with you. His insults should be written down and you need to make a complaint. Change your doctor to someone who is skilled AND professional.
Taisha, I’m very concerned about this situation. I see a rheumatologist also, so I know it’s possible that you’re facing a long-term health issue of some type. The issue here is deeper than hair. Your doctor -your health caretaker- has a serious level of disrespect for you. This disrespect could play itself out in his treatment of your condition. What other prejudices could he be acting upon as he examines you, prescribes meds (or chooses not to), decides on treatment options, etc.?
I can only share what I truly believe: my doctors have to care about me as a person. No one cares about Random Patient 1234 – people care about people they like. Your doctors need to have a vested interest in you and want to keep you healthy because they value you *as a person.*
Your current doctor clearly does not value you.
Moving forward? I would leave this doctor’s practice; a local doctor is worthless if you can’t trust him. Your appointments should be focused on your health – not planning rebuttals to racist commentary. Telling/educating him will just create – wait for it! – a more passively aggressive racist and it will impact your care, make no mistake. Whatever you decide, make sure you have a copy of your entire medical file, especially your lab reports, so you’re ready to roll at any time.
I know what I’m talking about – I visited 3-4 rheums (including one super-creep) before I selected my current fantastic doctor. Always be your own health manager, analyzing THEM for a position with YOU.
I wish you good health – take care of yourself!
I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED your response! Great advice!
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PREACH!!!
I usually use my same go-to quip that I use with racists. I play dumb and ask them to elaborate. For example:
Doctor (or Offending Person): “Your hair looks like it was struck by lightning!” (Or any other insensitive comment)
Me: “What do you mean?”
D(oOP): “Well…You know.” At this point the person either elaborates and digs themselves further in the hole or they become sheepish, confused or defensive. Or all three.
If they elaborate, just keep pressing them to explain why they found it so amusing. If they become sheepish, and this is VERY important, MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT WITH A NEUTRAL AND EXPECTANT FACE. Try not to blink too much either and be as polite as possible. White people (you specify that your doctor was White but this works on other POCs too) get whiny and skittish when they sense even the slightest bit of justified indignation.
People usually say things to us Black women to provoke and goad us into reacting and “going off”. Become an Angry Black Woman stereotype. The best way to counter those people is to appear as calm as possible and reveal them to be the bullies that they are.
*I meant, you didn’t specify if your doctor was white
Yesssss. This works for me too!
I go all wide-eyed and innocent, while keeping strong eye contract as I respond:
“What is that you said?”
“What do you mean?”
[In your case] “Lightning?”
Just stay incredulous and they become a stuttering mess and move along. Meanwhile, the look on my face says I both pity and am slightly scared of their stupidity. Man down!
Exactly! I’m glad someone can vouch for me on this method. I swear by this to my friends and they just feel it’s not “direct” enough.
This is actually one of the most direct methods I’ve found to disengage people who make ignorant comments, as it forces them to think about what actually came out of their mouths. Moreover, it makes it quite clear that 1) I heard exactly what they said, 2) I would like clarification regarding exactly what they said, and 3) I’m not especially bothered by what they said, but simply curious as to what they meant.
That can be a very jarring experience for people who thought they would get away with being “smart butts.”
Talk to him in a language he knows.
“Teach” him. “Well, the hair shaft of some humans is flat, as opposed to round. That’s what causes my hair to grow up, instead of down, like yours does. Not processing it is healthier for me and I like the way it looks.” Straight face, direct eye contact.
I’d be tempted to ask him if he recommended putting lye on your scalp multiple times a year for the sake of appearances.
I once had a dental hygienist remark at now much softer my hair was than “other” Black women’s. I let her know, quite matter-of-factly, that most Black hair is dry or hard from damage incurred trying to get it to look like White women’s. I would have said more, but the woman was about to have sharp objects in my mouth.
Later during the cleaning I asked again, matter-of-factly, where she’d been touching all these Black women’s hair. She was mortified.
Always put it back in their court, remind them of their ignorance and point out their behavior. Always.
I hear remarks my hair is curly/kinky but it came from Black males someone even left a comb on my desk to tell me to comb my hair! Again they were Black males. I was called a “She boon” behind my back by men in their 40’s and 50’s! They told me mixed hair is better or White women’s hair.
Most of the Black males at my Company (Major company) always say White women or other races are better and how “Other women” are their preference.
I don’t get it! They hate Weaves and fake hair but when Black women wear their real hair their “Nappy Headed Hoes or She boons” . They get angry when your a successful Black women in a Corporate world especially if your attractive.
Not only do I get insults on my hair but most Black males are always asking me to do friends with benefits or their married and always asking single women out.
The hair issue was the final finale Im sick of the hate from Black males I no longer date nor will marry a Black man.
Lady, you have every right to be hurt by your coworkers’ behavior. It’s incredibly rude and inappropriate, and they’re wayyy out of line for saying those things to you. But please don’t discount Black men or group them all together. The ones behaving towards you like that have had the same self-hate media bullshit shoved down our throats that we have all had; they grew up hearing that Black women were ugly and inferior to women of other demographics too. These men are just the same ilk as our sisters who think natural hair is ugly and unprofessional. In short, they need our help, not our hate.
When you date or marry, you should do it completely for love. Your SO should be your complement in everything intangible: personality, goals, needs and wants….skin shouldn’t even be a factor.
I wanted to again thank everyone for responding. The comments have been overwhelming supportive, informative, eye-opening and sometimes funny. I’ve been trying to keep up with reading all the comments and if BGLH lets me in the future, after I see the doctor the next time (assuming he follows his new pattern), I will update everyone on what happens.
Please address this issue with this asshole immediately! And find another doctor asap….If you’re uncomfortable speaking with him directly..write him a letter explaining his ignorance and send a copy to his medical board. Black women need to start addressing these inappropriate comments made by white folks. ..Im all for respectful communication and dialouge but when the passive approach doesn’t work DIRECTNESS DOES. …PLEASE HANDLE THIS!
Ask the SOB if he has the same problem with caucasian hair.
What you should do is file a complaint. Or write him a letter
about his inappropriate behavior.
Okay, I probably would have been like you the first time or maybe not. The second time I would have definitely said something, and it really depends on my mood and how much I’ve meditated that morning or what kind of day I’ve had. He had no right to make jokes about someone’s hair. My impression of him is that he’s an idiot and is totally lacking in the personality department and I wouldn’t want him examining me.
I do hope you tell this character about himself because he just sounds so immature for his profession. I think it’s a very rude comment to say to anyone, even if you were a caucasian woman with red hair and he made a redhead joke. That’s unprofessional and unacceptable behavior he demonstrated.
I’m quick to tell people that I understand how they feel, but if they have a problem with my hair then they need to pray to God about it! Evidently He felt it was sufficient, and who am I to change it? I’d LOVE to hear a doctor’s response to that, since I’m certain he has a respect for the human body. Don’t be so offended, everybody doesn’t have to like your hair, it’s their right… I respect people who are bold enough to tell me, but I usually don’t care! If it’s someone who loves me I ask them what they don’t like about it. My husband said he didn’t mind it being natural, but he does like it to look combed! 🙂 Well, I do spend more time on it in the mornings, YouTube and this sure has helped TONS! I get WAY more compliments than disses! It’s funny, now when people say: Wow at look at your hair, I try to beat them and I’ll say: I know, It’s standing all over my head! Lots of times they say: “No, it looks great! I like it!”
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I would say something like “its interesting you say that. That’s just what the europeans told african slaves to instill a feeling inferiority in them. I think my hair is beautiful, no it doesn’t lay down flat like yours but its not meant to. And that’s beautiful. Sorry you seem to have a problem with real black hair”.
While I agree with the meaning of how you’d relay it to the “good doctor”, I’m usually of the mind that reasonably aware white people are fairly cognizant of the basic historical and social contexts behind their words directed at us. I would think it sufficient to lightly smile, cock my head to the side quizzically and ask “what did you say about my hair again?” and watch him sputter and fumble with the ensuing qualifying CYA compliments that would follow.
You have beautiful hair. The doctor sounds like he’s a racist and a bully. I have had many health problems through the years. I had to “fire” doctors on two occasion. I wound up with better ones in the process. Trust me, the doctor you have is not the only one who can treat your illness. When you do get rid of him, make sure you tell your health provider why.
Keep it simple. Find your signature response. Put on a big smile and say “I love it, it’s me” (with animation i.e. throw your hands in the air or give a playful shrug)”. Don’t play his game. Sometimes people want to see you at your worst, by getting your attention with their worst. Saying something empowers you. I have been there.
This is a difficult dilemma because you need the medical care, and if he is good at his job and you don’t have many options then you don’t really have a choice rather or not to go back however…
I do think either way he should not get away with his comments. If you do find another doctor you should write and thorough complaint and express how his comments made you feel and were racially charged and drove you to find another doctor.
If you decide to keep him I think asking “Do you have a problem with African American hair” sounds like a good response to a rude comment, if he doesnt make another comment you should still say “You have made some offensive comments about my hair and I just want to let you know that rude and I considered finding another doctor” that should get the ball rolling.
I say keep it simple. I do not find your joke funny, please do not repeat it. No eye contact needed if he chooses to respond because his response is not required, it is his action of not repeating the offensive joke is required.
I think he thinks he was being funny and doesn’t realize her was being offensive. Everyone is saying fire him, get another doctor she already said this type of doctor is rare in her area. How did he treat your medical condition do you feel he is competent and provides good care? If so I would encourage her to just simple make her feelings known succinctly, “I would prefer if you don’t comment on my hair” if he’s a professional he will respect her wishes and continue to do the job he’s been doing. Some of these comments seem super overboard- like report him to the medical board??? Seriously?
“Good thing you’re a doctor not a beautician” would be a nice response.
Time for a new doctor. Your health is more important than anything else. I have to travel to see two of the doctors I see, because I feel valued and treated well for my conditions. A waiter at Starbucks making an off comment or a clerk at Sears doing the same would probably get a more immediate response. People tend to think someone like a doctor or boss is off limits when it comes to educating them or demanding the respect we all need. Again , drop the doc.
I hate to say this but chances are this man is not intending to be racist or offensive and has no idea that you are taking his comments as anything but a joke. So before you label him as a horrible person (which he very well may be) its important that you respond to his past and future comments and not just let them eat away at you. Chances are you will end up blowing it out of proportion and not handling it well. Personally I think the next time you see him before he has any chance of making a comment about your hair you should let him know how offended you were by the comments he made, how uncomfortable they made you and exactly why they made you uncomfortable. I know someone else said to not bring up race but if you felt the comments were racist you should probably mention that fact since he is your doctor and how exactly are you supposed to trust someone who has issues with your race? Don’t accuse him of being a racist, but say something like “comments about my hair feel like an attack on my Blackness and I’m not comfortable receiving medical care from someone who seems so put off by the way my hair grows out of my head naturally. I can’t help that I wasn’t born with straight hair, but this really shouldn’t be an issue”. This way he knows what direction the conversation could take and exactly how inappropriate his comments actually were. If he get’s angry or dismissive, personally if I were you I’d never return to that doctor again. But if he is humble and sincerely apologizes than give the man another chance. Sometimes people are too stupid to realize when they aren’t being funny, let the man know you don’t share his sense of humour.
Just tell him what u r thinking about telling him because he’s making the comments because u haven’t said anything about it so he thinks it’s ok. As soon as u let him know its not ok and please dont involve yelling or respond with anger because a calm voice or whisper turns away wrath. Tell him like u said “do u have a problem with African American hair?” And let him kno that u don’t appreciate it simple as that. Now if he doesn’t have the heart to respect u then report him to BBB (better business bureau) and to the medical board because racism or any sort of discrimination will not be tolerated. Patients comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, creeds and even faith and him as a doctor in his line of business needs to learn to keep his comments to himself if he wants to continue in his line of work.
He would have ceased to be called “my” doctor. Doctors are in a humane profession and they are taught how to know better. As a doctor you have to be sensitive to the person you are treating that is called good customer service which leads to good service delivery. I understand you when you say that that you did not want to use bad retort for the pain he caused you but honestly speaking I would have told him that what he said to me has caused me some pain and discomfort and I would appreciate it if he has nothing good to say he should keep his thoughts to himself. I AM LYING, I would have thoroughly dressed him down and left! The fact that he is the only doctor of his type in the near vicinity with a stinking attitude, terrible comedian skills and lack of couth like his would make me gladly travel for better service and the whole waiting room would have known the same!
Something as simple as: “Why are you saying that to me” would get a response. If you are not comfortable with speaking to him about it then You could write him a letter…and let him know that his statements were not appropriate. But someone made a good point: if he feels free to make insults then how good of a doctor is he for YOU? #ponder
I’m sorry but I’m a straight forward person and I know I would have said “WTF do u mean by that” and continued with the conversation about my hair and I would left looking for another Doctor.
Fire. His. Ass. Now.
I’m shocked you let him get away with that a second time. Frankly, I’m frustrated reading this story. Let us know what u finally do about this douchebag
If and when you do decided to confront Doc Oc, please don’t use that tired lame excuse called RACISM. He offended your hair, not your race. He was obnoxious. Obnoxiousness does not equal racism.
~ Responding in anger and without forethought would have made me look bad, not him.~
I have a problem with this passive-aggressive logic! If someone says something to you that offends you, WHY are you worried about how your response to the situation makes you look. The offender should have checked his mouth at the door. I tell you something: White ppl do not care how they look, because when you say something offensive to them, they let you know right then and there. Black ppl always worried about “how they look” (esp in mixed company) instead of setting ppl straight.
Of course, hindsight is always 20-20, and I’ve been blind-sided a few times myself. But only ONCE by any offender. The second time doc opened his mouth you should have shoved a few choice words of your own into it.
Yes! I agree. But I do believe the polite passive aggressive logic is a female thing not a race thing. White women often let even worse slide (Oprah had a show about it, how women get kidnapped and raped because we are too worried about offending someone to protect themselves or say no)
This is def something that I’ve struggled with as well but as I get older, I get better at speaking up for myself.
Maybe the white women you live around, but not the white women I live around. These chicks will get vicious and indignant. Maybe because they are the extreme majority in my area…but trust me. They are no shrinking violets. They do not care how they look. They don’t even try to be diplomatic. At least when dealing with black folks.
Wow! It sounds like he was just trying to be playful but it came off as rude and offensive. Saying that someone looked like they got struck by lighting is definitely not a compliment. I would be offended, but I wouldn’t necessarily think it was an attack on my kinky hair texture. I have seen natural hair “styles” that look like the person has stuck their finger in a light socket and they may like that style? I don’t care for it, and I am natural, have been for many years. So maybe it was more of a hair style comment than a racial comment? Either way it was inappropriate and I would have definitely been caught off and gave him a disapproving look!
Just want to let you know your hair looks great in your photo and I’m feeling a little envy!
This doctor is probably just trying to put you at ease by making a very bad joke. You are kind of caught in a no-win situation — you are going to be uncomfortable in his presence whether you say something or not. The ideal thing would be to find another doctor, but if he’s the best option you have for the treatment of your condition, then ignore his comments. You know in advance he’s going to say something so just just credit it to him being ignorant. Don’t let stupid ruin your day.
Do not return to this doctor. If you can’t face him, write a letter. Did you comment on his hair? You don’t go to a doctor for his personal opinions, but his attitude would lead me to distrust him. And if you can’t trust your doctor, you don’t need him. People who make those kinds of snide, personal remarks are telling you they have no respect or regard for you.
Don’t keep getting him paid to insult you. Damn being used to my hair; unless you’re a trichologist it’s none of your business.
If I were you, I would report him to the medical board in the state in which you reside; these medical “professionals” seem to think that, because they have a few letters behind their name, they can say & do what they please; there are higher ups whose job is to make sure stuff like this does not happen.
In the meantime, say a prayer that God changes his heart, and that you be cured of what ails you…
I am so sorry that happened to her. In many cases, that is why beautiful black women are afraid to go natural because of nasty and inappropriate remarks like that. I was in a similar situation but I am the wrong sista to joke with especially about my lovely locks. I couldn’t let it pass and I was very nice nasty and they never made another unwanted remark again. I will not let anyone say something about my natural hair or anything about my persons that is not asked for. It will be addressed on the spot.
Taisha, I have read a few of these comments and everyone is missing the point. The point is “Is a doctor who makes derogatory comments about your hair going to respect you enough to give you the best medical treatment?” No.
I am so sorry to hear that there are no competent doctors in that specialty in your area. Unfortunately he is getting away with his poor bedside manner because of that. I am sure he regularly makes inappropriate comments to other patients without even thinking about it. Regardless of the racial implications of his remarks (troubling, needless to say), it is never appropriate to comment on a person’s appearance in a professional setting unless you are giving a compliment. Nonetheless, you have every right to prioritize your health over your hurt feelings. If you allow him to provoke you he will become defensive and he may take it out on you in subtle ways that compromise the service that you are receiving. The next time he makes a similar comment, I would shake my head and say “that’s not a nice thing to say.” It may sound cheesy, perhaps juvenile, but so are his comments! It’s a simple and assertive (but nice) way of showing him that his comments are inappropriate and that they hurt your feelings. Another way of handling it is to shoot back a negative remark about his appearance, but not everyone is quick-witted (I certainly am not). Best of luck, and please follow up – this a thought-provoking situation.
I am a doctor and I would tell you to tell him clearly and concisely that it was offensive what he said about your hair. And you may need to go further by explaining to him that this is the way it grows out of your head without chemical processing. And he wouldn’t want you to expose yourself to chemicals, would he? Doctors are not beyond getting educated too. If you are afraid to tell him in person, write him a letter or email–It will give both parties time to think.
I am a Doctor! Who is natural! And love embracing the essence of how I was created! You need to embrace, love, become confident, secure and accept your reflection! Then and only then will others! This behavior is completely unacceptable! There are a lot of arrogant people in the world and sadly this profession has many! There are always better Doctors out there! Find one, don’t allow this to become another area in which you just settle! Much Love!
someone said that to me when I was walking down the street. Sick minds, But he is a doctor (fist do no harm)guess he forgot the oath!
I never let white folks get away with crap like that. If my doctor said anything like that, I can assure you, it will be the last. You have to teach people how to treat you. I would have said, “Dr. Jerk, you are a good doctor, but you obviously have no idea how racist you sound to me right now. You clearly don’t know much about black hair, so I’d appreciate if you would refrain from making comments about something you don’t understand and you respecting me as your patient. Thanks.”
I am a doctor with natural hair. Being in the professional world and having my “Free the ‘Fro Fridays” I get a lot of comments. In an area where there is about 10-15% Black Americans and few have natural hair a lot of majority/White Americans have no experience with having our hair. I’ve gotten lots of “wow your hair is big,” “That’s a Wig, right,” and yes “Did you get struck by lightening.” Most of the time these are not said in malice but in ignorance or poor humor. They don’t realize that they are being offensive. This situation is more difficult because the physician is in a place of power.
I generally take a few approaches to this problem. 1- Educate let them know that their comment was offensive or culturally insensitive (We all get ethics and cultural training and it doesn’t stop in medical school). 2- Laugh it off. Sometimes I just don’t have time to educate I realize they are ignorant and let it go. 3- Make a similar comment to them “Did you get drowned in the rain?” I choose the option based on how much I have to interact. Needless to say I end up educating a lot of my colleagues. Most Rheumatologist I know are reasonable people (as opposed to cardiologist or surgeons). I would just either tell him at your next visit, send a email if you have a patient portal, or write a letter.
As he is a good rheum doc I would just educate. I know it’s hard to talk to us, but I’d do it. He honestly probably just ignorant not disrespectful.
Straight up I would say, “The last time I was in here you said that it looked like I was hit by lightening. That hurt my feelings and I don’t see how it had anything to do with my appointment”. “Get used to it because this is pretty much how I am wearing it from now on; and since you already made a comment about my hair, I would appreciate no more comparisons”. “If it continues I will take my business somewhere else…. i don’t want to, but I will”.
It would depend on all of her previous appointments with her doctor. If he is usually pleasant and patient, she should just say stop with the hair jokes and leave it at that. If he is usually not making jokes or kidding around then she should say something a bit more blunt. But either way she will have made her point.
My goodness, I empathize with your feelings. I appreciate your approach towards your provider, however, being in the health care profession, his comments were unprofessional and were demeaning . I agree to handle with caution, but candor. You must first of all become confident in your own sense of style, because at the end of the day, you are beautiful and fabulous. An option, as many of my patients who are not pleased with their healthcare professionals-,they take to the pen. Find out the name of the medical director and or patient care services administrator. Call them and express your concerns, then follow up with a letter. Then continue your search for a provider who listens to patients and treats them with dignity and respect!
I walked into work today (I’m an OR Nurse) with a wash and go Afro and this lady said I need a headband because my hair looked unruly. Another one asked did I forget to flat iron my hair. They were both black. Yet the Asian ladies I worked with said it looked cute and made me look younger.
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My mistake. I thought I’d come to see my radiologist, not my hairdresser. Would you mind awfully sticking to the topic at hand? Thank you.
I would have said excuse me calmly with a straight face and when he laughed i would have said that is not funny, then i would have proceeded to talk about why i am there. That would have taught him a lesson. If it would have happened a second time I just would have never went back. You don’t need to explain anything to him, he obviously doesn’t have good patient communication.
I believe I would’ve waited to talk to him at the end of the day and let him how offensive he is. Honestly, if he’s doing it to you he is doing it to someone else. Be a trailblazer and stop him in his tracks ASAP!!! Because if you change doctors that doesn’t stop him from hurting the next Afro-Ameri man/woman. Please say something!
Now that you have had time to compose yourself and probably have thought about what you might have said put it in a letter. Remind him of his two insults and why they were insulting and inappropriate. Whether you continue to see him is up to you but he would be my ex doctor.
“they” just need to get used to our hair, A friend told me that a friend of hers had to wear wigs to work because a co-worker told her that her fro looked like she got struck by lightening! plain ridiculous
http://www.themanecaptain.blogspot.ca
Hmm, seems to me we are still getting used to our own hair as well. See the newest “controversial” topic.
He thinks he’s being funny. There’s a way to let him know that he’s not and you are not amused by asking if he always insult his patients or just you? Then quickly follow up the question with “Because this is the third time you’ve insulted me.”
Ppl these days open their mouth and say any and every without regard to what they are saying. Check’em! Most know not what they do! But after you check ’em, the start to recognize.
Two questions to the doctor:
1) Pardon me, what did you just say?
2) Why would you say that?
Turn the tables entirely and have him explain himself. Yes, you can have internal conversations with yourself, but the onus is really on HIM to explain himself.
I assume the doctor is not black. I also assume that doctors come in, with some sort of joke or cheery comment to put patients at ease. I will also assume that he will be suitably mortified to know that his comments are hurtful to you, after all, he’s got away with it two times already.
At your next appointment, before he examines you, you may want to tell him calmly and clearly that you don’t appreciate his attempts at humour, and that you hope you won’t have to change doctors because of it.
She should have nipped that in the bud as soon as he made such a remark.
By not saying anything at all its letting him know it is ok to insult you. I have been in a similar situation and i politely explained the the comments made, I felt were rude and they quickly apologized.
I have not read any of the previous comments yet, so I hope I am not repeating someone else. But NPR did a nice piece on comments like this. “Microaggression”. Making a statement that leaves the listener offended, insulted, disrespected or hurt. You absolutely have the right to set the record straight with him. Whether he feels entitled or is truly ignorant to his insensitive behavior, does not matter. But maintain your composure. He does not deserve having any control over your emotions.
I do empathize, because many so-called black women have found themselves in similar situations, not knowing what to say. At the end of the day, this fool doesn’t like or respect you. There is nothing you can say to re-raise a grown ass person. However, you ARE essentially giving this clown your money and have been doing-so for years. My advice would be TAKE YOUR MONEY ELSEWHERE. Hit him where he’ll feel it. You don’t come to the doctor to teach them how to respect you and what is appropriate or inappropriate. You’re not his mother nor his therapist. Find a new doctor and going forward just know how white people are (I’m assuming he’s white)and be prepared to put them in their place at all times. Otherwise get ready for a lifetime of more of those speechless moments. You have to be someone KNOWS not to say anything crazy to. That should be your aura. You’d be surprised how much other races will stop testing you.
…and I’m not saying be a ‘b*tch’ by any means. I’m saying walk like a queen.
well, before she can do that she has to search for a new doctor. So while in the process of doing that she needs to demand respect from him.
Just out of curiosity, what is a “so-called black woman” exactly?
I don’t think he meant to disrespect her. I think that he was ” Cool” enough with her to joke that way (HE SO WASN’T). If he is good at what he does then her little money isn’t going to matter, but I think that she needs to tell him that it wasn’t appropriate and that he needs to stick to the appointment. I never feel like that I have to put white people in there place, I must be the one of the lucky ones that deal with PC white people, BUT I will be quick to say something that I think is bizarre about them. “Wow it looks like you got hit by lightening”. “Wow it looks like your nose got stuck in a car door and you gt dragged about 2 blocks. Yeah they won’t find that funny. Hopefully they’ll get the point.
There have been times when people have made insulting remarks to me and I wasn’t expecting it so I just sat there in shock. The person may not have meant it to be malicious but it was insensitive nonetheless. Other times, I catch the remark immediately and get right with them. Everyone’s personality or defenses are different. In the doctor’s case, Taisha, it would be easy to simply write a one-page letter (anything longer will make you look oversensitive) if there’s no reason to visit him further stating why his comment is inappropriate. Also, you have more time to think out what you’re saying in a letter or even an email. I don’t care what kind of rapport you have with him, how old he is, how nice he is otherwise, etc. you have to correct him. Even if he still feels justified for saying it, he’ll think twice before saying it to you. Lots of times we are afraid to say something to anyone who says offensive things because, “That’s just how they are.” Well they can be how they are somewhere else, not in your face at the expense of your feelings.
Also, this speaks to a bigger issue. There’s still a preponderance of Black women with relaxed or straight hair. This doctor’s comment and the comments that were dished out to the late Dominique (YouTube vlogger, Longhairdontcare2011) about her hair by someone in the dental profession (he said her long blow-out made her look like a Troll doll) is further evidence that we naturals need to KEEP SHOWCASING OUR NATURALS, whether we live in the city, suburbs, or rural areas – whether we are at work, in school, or at a wedding. There’s nothing wrong with weaves, extensions, or flat irons – nothing at all. However, if we incessantly, back to back, cover our hair or temporarily straighten the texture for every special occasion, job interview, appointment, people will never get used to seeing natural hair and will forever continue thinking it’s strange or laughable. Afros were deemed strange at first but then so many Blacks wore them in the 60’s and 70’s no one batted an eyelash after awhile. And by the way, Taisha, you’re hair does NOT look like you’ve been struck by lightning. I like your braid-out!!
I agree with the sentiment of some of the other comments made. Sometimes we are a little too sensitive in the black community.
I’m assuming that this doctor is a middle age (perhaps older) white male. How versed do you think this man is on the baggage of natural hair and beauty issues within the black community? More than likely he doesn’t know that hair is a sensitive topic for a lot of natural women. So good or bad, he might have been teasing you or making a joke. But more than likely, he was not going out of his way to offend you.
If you feel that you value his medical expertise and this is the only incident that has made you feel uncomfortable around him, I think it’s fine to say something. But I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Meaning, I would not talk to him in the spirit of trying to “put him in his place”.
Consider-At some point in your life, you have probably unknowingly said something offensive to someone. How would you want someone to approach you?
So, if you say something I would say it in such a way that it’s possible to continue to have a good professional relationship. If after that conversation, he continues to say offensive comments, then it might be time to consider looking for another doctor.
That’s my two cents.
Your advice is good but I don’t agree that we are too sensitive in the Black community. Our history and experiences makes us sensitive when we perceive that we are being slighted because of our race. There’s nothing wrong with that.
I work in a multicultural environment and I’m super careful to make sure that I do not comment about people’s food, clothing, hair, accents, etc. I do not want to appear rude.
I’m sure this doctor doesn’t know that his comments are insensitive and hopefully will cease to make them once this is brought to his attention.
is there a reason you haven’t told him to keep his comments to himself and just do his job? Even if your hair was a mess, I can’t imagine why he felt he didn’t have to keep it to himself and just insult you.
keep in mind that maybe he just didn’t like the way you styled it, not the fact that its natural.
But even then it was inappropriate for him to bring it up. Its none of his business and you aren’t “close” like that.
I’m so sorry to hear that but you have to stand up for yourself if you don’t want to be bullied. I’m at a point where i love my natural hair and everything it does and get lots of compliments concerning it but it wasn’t always this easy. I used to try to style my hair in ways that would please others but it made me sad because i wasn’t giving my hair the chance to be itself. So i started letting it do its own thing ang loving what it does naturally through wash n go’s, braid outs, afros, everything that ” they ” told me i shouldn’t do and now i, others and even people of other races love my hair. It wasn’t easy at first especially with my roommate as my no 1 natural hair hater and criticizer but i stood up for my hair and my right to wear it naturally and it worked and you should tell him that too that you’re proud of your hair and would rather not have him say such things about it.
WOW black americans are soooo sensitive. So he made a joke about your hair, big deal… Try living in Nigeria, where everyone from your mum, to the shop assistant, to your uncles will CONFIDENTLY tell you why they hate your hair. And the worst part is you cant say anything because we are taught to respect our elders, so you just have to sit there and smile.
People make jokes, sometime they are offensive, it sucks, but thats life. If it isn’t about your hair, it’ll be something else. It is not your job to teach people how to behave, that was their parents job. But if you’re going to get all antsy every time someone says something that rubs you the wrong way, then good luck living a stress free life. And like i said, you would definitely not survive in Nigeria if that was the case
how do you know it was a joke? Why are you so quick to give him excuses? Doesn’t sound like a joke to me, sounds like he had a problem wiht her hair. Also, why even make such a “joke”? Why not just do your damn job? Get out of here troll. Since comments are apparently now “moderated”, I can’t fathom how your comment was published.
oh, and as a Nigerian myself, their attitudes are RANK. But that has nothing to do with this story, other than for you to show off how “superior” and “tough” you are for being Nigerian apparently. Want a cookie?
Making “jokes” at someone’s expense isn’t funny. People in general just need to mind their own business and get on with their job. That’s why this system is in such a mess. everybody being intent on bullying someone. Can’t even fix their own mess, but intent on controlling other people.
Umm, do your REALLY want to start comparing the ‘rankness’ of cultural attitude??? Especially with the latest major international crisis going on in Nigeria?? Please don’t come out and insult black America, when your own house smells so very bad to the entire world right now.
I’m in high school. When random white boys say rude things about my hair I usually just answer back saying “so because my hair doesn’t fall straight like a white girl it’s a problem?” And that usually leaves them speechless & later I might inform them about natural hair
All I can say is that you definitely have more self-control than I do. I’m an Aries with a temper made of gunpowder on a short fuse, and what I would said to him the first time isn’t fit to print here. I look forward to reading what you ultimately decide, and hope to learn from it.
Do you think that attitude you have is anything to be proud of, we are trying to get away from the angry, black women stereotype but your answer and some of the other black women’s response here just reinforces that, they seem baffled that this black women didn’t react a certain way because they themselves are confrontational..you don’t always have to respond with such anger,black women like you tend to always be on attack and need to ask yourselves, why do you come across as aggressive as you do
He,the doctor was around,but isn’t it down to ignorance and rudeness,why respond with brute force,this lady albeit calm was dignified in her response and by saying nothing she was clearly in shock
to be fair,that’s a reaction any woman can have, no matter the race. Either way, she said she looks forward to seeing the other ladies’s response, so instead of making this an opportunity to wrist slap someone being “an angry black woman”, lets keep the focus where it should be.
It really isn’t,black women tend to react with the most aggression out of any race women hence the angry black women stereotype,and here you are trying to justify that response..sometimes you live and let live you don’t have to jump up about everything.
Do you by everything that this racist misogynistic society sells you about black women?
I think its a natural reaction for certain people of color to assume white people who say certain things are racist,but sometimes they mean well..you don’t know for fact hes racist,your presuming.
Agreed with Ugonna. You’re kidding, right? All the ills and pain in this world that specifically affects us (and the folks we love), and we don’t have a right to be angry? Screw that stupid stereotype. I’m passionate, and proud.
hm
I find “I like my hair” to usually be sufficient enough to make people get off the subject. If they don’t get a clue, I suggest debating something else, like their choice in spouse, clothing, etc.
I’m not saying the Dr. was acting professional when he made the comment. However, I feel deep down we have doubts about our hair, so when someone makes any comment we perceive as negative we over react. I get that all the time from a coworker when I go in with my curls, he would ask me if it was windy outside and my normal comeback from day one was “can you tell”. I am comfortable with me and my hair and we should not allow our insincerity cloud our judgement. That being said the next time you see the good Dr tell him politely “it’s black hair get over it” and then you can move on.
Taisha,
Since you’ve been seeing this Doctor for years, I’m sure that you know he’s not racist (or perhaps I’m being too generous). I would gently state to him that you don’t appreciate his comments about your hair, even if he is just joking around. I’m sure that will be sufficient for him to stop making offensive comments although things may get a bit awkward between the two of you. If he’s a professional, he’ll apologize and limit his comments to your health condition.
Good luck.
I believe that you must approach this situation with tact and tactIC. As unfortunate as it is to have been mistreated like this, you now hold the responsibility of setting him straight (for any future little brown girls that may come into his office). Many of the demeaning comments that come out of folks mouths are from sheer ignorance. I had an assistant general manager AND an HR manager call me AuntJemaima (sp) when I wore my head wrap to work. Not only did I set the record straight face to face (gave them THEE ENTIRE run down of the history of AJ and what she means to the black woman vs. what was on my head) I reported him to a higher level. It is up to us to fight back (always in lady fashion) and remind people to be more conscious and responsible about what rolls off their tongues.
I have been natural for three months now I’m use to the negative comments by my brothers so if a stranger says something I can take it . Most strangers usually just stare . My friends and the rest of my family love it , but Idc what a stranger says . When I first went natural , I went to the movies with my now ex boyfriend and this white girl was asking her friends if her hair looked good . Then she said let’s ask those people and pointed at us then she took one look at me and said no lets not ask them then they all laughed and went inside . I really don’t care anymore I have short soft 4a tight curly /Coily hair that seems to grow everyday and I love it ! 🙂
Ok, this is not your friend. He’s not a long time family doctor who’s known you since you were a child (I am only suggesting that someone might feel comfortable enough in these cases to make comments such as these only if they have known you and seen your regularly for years). What this is is outright disrespect–whether is joking or not. It’s unprofessional. This a doctor performing a service for you and there is a certain amount of decorum required here. It’s is wholly inappropriate for these comments to be made. Please inform him (as kindly as you can muster) that while you would like to continue coming to him for treatment, you do not appreciate his comments about your hair and would appreciate if he would refrain from making them. Period. You don’t need to discuss why your hair is natural and explain your choices or state your case for natural hair any more than a brunette needs to explain why she dyed her hair blonde. This is not the forum for that. This is a doctor’s office. He’s there to serve you and render medical treatment and advice. Not advice or comments about your hair–unless THAT is medically necessary. The end.
Take a little card write down the link to Your article. Then say, Dr. I wrote an article about your interesting comment on my hair. Its on a popular websites BGLH. I would love for you to read it and get your feedback because you were the highlight of over 100 responses.
Otherwise as they say, we just beating a dead dog.
Deededaha. I really like this idea. Might be a little enlightening.
In my opinion the other races are not the only ones to blame for their ignorance when it comes to our hair type. We as a people still seem to be uncomfortable in our own skin and our hair type. Most negative remarks I’ve received from people about my hair and skin color seem to be from my own race. We as a people hardly ever support one another other than when angry. We need to educate these people as well as our own about the beauty of out tones and hair textures because we’ve tried to fit in with them for so long the response we get when we no longer want to be anything other than ourselves are negative. No one can make u feel inferior or uncomfortable without your consent either tell him I don’t appreciate that joke or comment I love my hair like this or don’t. If u yourself don’t feel self-conscious about it then it won’t matter what they say. We are beautiful when we believe it others will have no choice but to believe it as well. I love your hair but that’s just my opinion. I don’t expect anyone to accept my choices because it’s mine as long as you respect that it’s my right to be how i want to be especially as it was how I was made
@ Liz M I think that lions are beautiful maybe your coworker thought that you looked beautiful too . On the other hand if it was said in a way that you perceived it to be derogatory or offensive that is another mater . Para verbals are about having awareness of how you communicate to others . It’s not what we say it’s how we say it then how the person receives it . Mindfulness & empathy can be learnt . Taisha your doctors prescription is for a dose of both take a deep breath the next time you see him and tell him what’s on your mind , make it into constructive feedback .
I would ask him what he meant by the comment to give yourself a moment to think, and him a chance to realize that his comment wasn’t appreciated. I’d then say that this was the third time he’s made a comment about your hair and you wonder if he makes comments about the hair of all of his female patients. Next I would say that I embrace my hair as it grows out of my head and I don’t feel a need to change it to make other comfortable and that if he has an issue with that, you need to know now so that it can be dealt with and you both can move on with a provider/patient relationship that doesn’t involve demeaning you about your hair, or you can find another provider.
That should be enough to shut him down. I had to have a similar conversation recently with a coworker. They now know to keep their comments to themselves.
I’ve only been natural since January this year, so 5 months, and I don’t live near my dad so he hasn’t really seen how I style my hair. I went to visit him to get some tests done at the hospital he works at (he too is a doctor, a surgeon actually). He saw my hair which was a fresh braid out (I was still separating curls at the time) and he said “what’s that supposed to be? Some kind of boo boo dreads or something?” He went on listing other jibberish that all had the word boo boo in front of it so apparently my hair some how resembled poop. I like braid outs because they look the most like my natural curl pattern but come out much neater than a wash and go. I’m not sure how naturally curly hair looks like poop.. Or even dreads really. I was furious especially because my dad had long natural hair for quite some time, and most of my family has natural hair so you would think he would be used to seeing curly hair. I’m not sure what it is about doctors but they seem to think that they can say anything to anyone.
Your hair looks very much like mine and I happen to think it’s gorgeous. I don’t think you are comfortable with a confrontational approach and that shouldn’t always be the go to response. The next time your are at an appointment and he comments I think you should respond by saying, “You know a woman’s hair is a very personal thing. I happen to be proud of my hair and I enjoy wearing it like this. I know you are probably joking but I don’t feel comfortable when you talk about it.” If after that point he responds in anything less than an apologetic manner, I think you need to find another specialist. As difficult as it may be, you need a trusting relationship with your physician.
That’s a great suggestion, Liz!
I would’ve just gave him “a look” and said, “I don’t find that amusing. Please keep your opinions of my hair to yourself”. I probably would’ve worn an even bigger style next time just to make sure he learned his lesson the first time.
Sorry, Erica, not Liz <3
This reminds me of when I showed a coworker (Indo-Malaysian) my senior picture the other day. I had a braid out and let me tell you, it was POPPIN’ but to her, I looked “like a lion”. I was so damn shocked and you know what I did? I sat there like an idiot. How do you respond to that kind of statement? Do I let it slide because I’m just going to ASSUME that she’s never encountered a natural haired African-American? I was so hurt and disappointed in her; that definitely killed any possible friendship. Must we continue to accept people’s ignorance and educate them whenever they insult us???
It sucks that this man felt the need to rudely state his opinion and I admire your thought process on how to respond. You’ve proven yourself to be a better person and I truly admire that.
The lion is the king of the jungle and the only animal with a royal title. The lion’s mane is a like a crown and lions walk with authority. In the Book of Revelations, Jesus is called the Lion of the tribe Juda. I would rather have hair that resembles a lion than hair that resembles a horse.
LMAO!!! I heard that, girl!! : O
Really,
It depends on the individual..Horses are beautiful and their mane is lovey unlike a Lions character which is overbearing and boisterous.
I will be quite honest, I really grow tired of women of color trying to find reasonable ways to address people whom blatantly disrespect their ethnicity and culture. It is not out of ignorance or lack of knowledge of why other cultures find it acceptable to outright challenge us racially. Taking the high road and being practical has gotten us nothing but more subliminal disrespect and tolerance of blunt racism. Frankly, there is no nice way of dealing with someone like your doctor in a professional setting in that manner, if that was anyone of his ethnicity do you think he would have said the same? Address him as soon as possible on the subject and don’t concentrate so much on how it may come off or as if you are being rational, remember he works for you and is providing services to you as a paying customer, disrespect should not be tolerated at any point. I say always speak your mind, you can never go wrong with that, if he can’t be understanding, then you would have to find another person to provide you with your medical services. That is no reason for you to subject yourself to such behavior. Hope that helps.
Unfortunately, we’re taught not to fight back or that if we fight back, we’re just as bad as our aggressors. People even use Martin Luther King Jr.’s less damning words against us, not realising that MLKJ was actually quite radical (which is why he was labeled a terrorist). It’s gross that we’re made to feel like we shouldn’t speak up and that we should just let people walk all over us because we “need to be the bigger person.” It’s such abusive logic.
It’s unfortunate that your physician made you feel uncomfortable about your hair. Would have been in your best interest to express yourself and ask for more sensitivity from your Dr. Just a simple response to say that you’d appreciate that negative comments were not made in reference to your hair as it’s a sensitive subject for you and the remark hurt your feelings.
Anyways, I’m natural too and it just seems to me that even some black people have a hard time accepting natural hair texture. So we do have to take the time and educate folks on the subject of hair. We’ve been so conditioned to assimilate to the European hair textures with weaves n wigs that own own kinky beautiful hair is not so accepted even by “us”
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Taisha, I’m sorry this happened to you.
Yes, his comments were absolutely unprofessional. However, IMHO, and at this point, they are not worth bringing up to any higher authorities and they’re DEFINITELY not worth a lawsuit. I’ll explain why in a sec…
Assuming you plan to go back to him (are there really no other rheumatologists in your neck of the woods?), see if he makes any side comments again about your hair or person. Then immediately let him know that they make you uncomfortable and that it’s the third time it’s happened in three visits. I wouldn’t even get too deep about it…you don’t need to go into Afro Hair 101 or anything like that. Then see what he says and base your next response on his reaction. Here’s why I’m recommending this:
I’ve noticed that as the online natural hair community has grown, there seems to be a kind of assumption that people IRL know what we know online. Over and over again I find this is NOT the case. And just in case you think I’m just talking about non-black people, I can’t count how many times I’ve heard of somebody going into a salon and asking the black stylist about co-washing and blowdrying with the tension method and getting a blank stare in return. Natural hair may be more common in print and visual media, but that doesn’t mean everybody’s on board.
As has been said in some of the other comments, a lot of people are (still!) uneducated. That said, you don’t have to go into a crash course on the history of black folks and hair…unless you want to. If you simply let him know that his comments make you uncomfortable then you are opening the door for him to apologize, which is what he will do IF he’s truly a professional. If not, then you should find a new rheumatologist.
Good luck and definitely let us know what happens.
When I read the topic, I was like,”Did she say ‘Doctor’?”. I’m not offended because I’m use to reading these types of incidents. You would think since He’s a doctor and he’s in a competitive field that He would address his patients in a professional way. With his remarks, you could teach him something like manners and respect. I think that your the better person. For me, I don’t know what I would say. It depends on how
he said it and in the tone of his voice. I would say,”My hair is beautifully kempt and I have learned to manage it. I take care of it. It’s African hair;I can style it in many ways.” He’s not familiar with hair in our natural state.
I would start with saying “No more *jokes* about my hair, please. It is not funny… it’s hurtful.”
Check his reaction after that… If you think he thinks he is being funny, it will embarrass him that he is being hurtful and I am sure he will stop. Sometimes we do not need a quick comeback. To me, people listen more when calm because there is no room to get defensive.
Maybe it’s his thing to make comments about his patient’s hair. He’s is completely wrong for his comments, but maybe it’s has nothing to do with you being black. It could just be something inappropriate he does to everyone.
Ask him what happened to HIS hair and why is it so limp.
if he even has hair
If my doctor said something derogatory about my hair, I would remind him that we were currently in 21 century London so s/he’d better get used to all sorts coming through the door, I never came to him for cosmetology/beauty recommendations and to take his/her doctor’s licence and stick it where the sun didn’t shine.
So, being afraid of retaliation for a corrective response is slave mentality. It’s 2014, we’re not slaves. The fact that you let the doctor get away with commenting on your hair establishes a precedence. So now, when you do decide to confront the doctor 1) he recognizes his power over you 2) will most like dismiss your complaint as you having a problem rather then he being rude.
Eventually, he’s going to offend the wrong person, which he will then look at you and ask, “why didn’t you tell me?”
You would be incorrect to assume that I was afraid of his response. I never stated that I was afraid. Being surprised and having your mind go blank is a human response not a slave response. I don’t care what he thinks, what I care about is addressing the issue in the best way possible so that he can learn because I’d rather give him the benefit of the doubt and think that he didn’t mean to be offensive. If he responds in a rude or uncaring way I’m leaving his practice as I stated in the article. I don’t see that as fear.
I’m a little confused now where you coming from. I understand you went blank the first time, but you were thinking about it. Then you went back with a ponytail you gave thought to. You seem to find a quicker response here then with him. You say it very nicely, and you are quick to stand up for yourself. Why is that?
I understand he is your doctor and you need him, I could be wrong.
I just notice it was easy to tell the above lady, You are incorrect ….etc.
you could just simply say Doctor you are incorrect. Perhaps you deep Down felt he was correct in his thinking. The last question ask for our opinion. That is what people are giving as well as trying to be here to lift you up. Maybe you just writing a story for entertainment factor only not feedback
This is getting a little too close to victim-blaming for my tastes. Sometimes you just don’t know how to respond to people who say microaggressive things; it’s a normal reaction to have, especially since women are socialised to be non-confrontational (and people of colour even moreso because of stereotypes about us and fear of what people might do to us). Don’t make Taisha feel bad for having a very normal reaction.
I hate that you had to experience that the first time but in after time after that becomes your fault. People are taught how to treat us by the way we accept their treatment of us as women and as women of coloredwho choose to marvel in the marvelouse texture of hair God has gifted to us. He was unprofessional and crass and should have been told that. My rule of thumb is people are allowed one strike to get it right (the first time is shame on them and any other time it is shame on me). Your “initial” shock lasted waaaaay too long…….I mean you paid for two office visits and paid to be insulted because you concerned about how this idiot of a doctor view you after he has insulted you twice. My advice is to learn how to stand up for yourself and your money because I could care less how excellent he is in his field…….is it worth being degraded and mistreated by someone let alone someone that you pay to service you.
I’m not going to address every response that assumes I had a feeling or attitude that I did not have.
The fact that I did not go home and proceed to obsess about it every second of every day for the few days until I saw him again does not bother me. I was seeing him because of pressing health concerns that took priority in my mind and I could deal with his ignorance later. I wasn’t concerned with how he viewed me, I don’t care about that. I do care about educating someone about their perspective in a thoughtful way, a way that does the most good, if possible.
We do teach people how to treat us and we also teach them how to treat others by how we respond when provoked. Maybe my thinking process doesn’t come up with responses as fast as some but I’d rather think it through and have a good outcome than say something that puts me on their level.
I appreciate that, Taisha!
If you truly feel that he thinks he is being funny, then perhaps you can respond to his next quip in that vein.
My mom has a white friend named Steve who once commented how black hair “fights you back” when it is combed, and he wasn’t being snide. His comment was accurate! So, that’s a phrase I tend to use when someone not so tactfully invites a discussion about my natural hair texture. It usually gets a nervous laugh, but softens the moment by disarming them.
I appreciate you sharing your story. I have to say, that I am not shocked by your story. I believe many people think that it is appropriate for them to comment on people, issues, things are really not for them to comment. I applaud you for continuing to pay for this physicians’ services. I believe that I wouldn’t have said something untilt he second comment (many times I am caught off guard by insults), however, I don’t believe I would continue to use him. I look forward to reading your follow-up post!
I nip stuff like that in the bud – stuff like that happening and me not responding wouldn’t let me sleep at night – that’s just me. I can see my self saying – “well I didn’t come in here to get your opinion about my hair, how you feel about it doesn’t matter at least to me any way. I came in here about …… I see people of all colours and some of them have hair that I don’t like, but I mind my business and I keep it moving.”
Snif his neck, scratch his chin. Do something realy weird to make him feel uncomfy. Thats gonna make u laugh.
LOOOOOOOOOL! ????????
I wish she has said something. That way he can reflect on himself and how he talks to people. I worked with a doctor who used to say the craziest things to his co workers to try to belittle them and show how intelligent he is. When one of us finally said something to him, he was embarrassed and learned to check himself
I’m truly sorry that this has happened to you, Taisha. I think it shows the ignorance that some people have towards anything that is not “mainstream” i.e. eurocentric. Perhaps next time anything like this happens, it would be best to be equipped beforehand and have a word of wisdom tucked up your sleeve ready to whip out there and then and nip things like this in the bud. Maybe along the lines of a gentle word in someone’s ear if they seem receptive along the lines of, “Yes my hair is rather large and perhaps not what you are used to seeing everyday, but I am so grateful for it and would like nothing more than to keep it in all it’s kinky, coily wonder as this is how God made me. Have a great day” *** insert a heartwarming smile and move on***.
Never make excuses for who you are by changing your hairstyle because someone you know doesn’t quite like/ understand it and you rock that beautiful healthy head of hair sisters!
If it was me I would be shocked the first time also the second time. I probably would have been straight up and said ” stop talking about my hair it’s rude”. When I use to wear weave white people would comment on it all the time I HATED IT!!!
“Is it real”
” How do they do it”
” can I see”
When I take out my weave they say
” Did you cut your hair” -__-
Mad annoying man lol just leave it alone
Check out http://www.curlskinksfashion.com for fashion,style, and natural hair and follow us on Instagram
Plz the follow up to what happened. So sorry he made u feel this way with his ignorant comments.
Let me start by saying this is wrong. The rheumatologist in question is bang out of order. Like you, I sometimes have that problem where I can’t think of the right thing to say at the time of insult. However, I like to make myself heard when it comes to dealing with people. Please can I suggest you find out who their manager or governing body is, then write a letter detailing how his behaviour had been inappropriate and how it has made you feel. You might want to make it clear that you do you want to end treatment, but wish to keep all interactions strictly professional. That guy sounds like a complete penis head. Good luck for the future and your treatment!
Sorry, *make it clear you do not want to end treatment
I will give you my first thought when I read the first insult:
And you look like every joint, muscle, and bone in your body has been crushed, I bet that hurts about as bad as the comment you just made to me. You have been noting but professional with me, what’s changed? Is my choice of hair style a problem for you?
I know myself so I know this what I would have said. I like to question people. Because then you can see there point of view. Where they are coming from.
This made me think not about hair, but my dentist appointment. Lol. He was working on my teeth, stopped , ask me, ” are you ok”. I said, No. He said, what’s wrong. I said, “I feel like I’m being tortured in a Nazi Concentration camp. That’s why I hate to come even when I know I should. ” Need I say I’m treated like a new born baby when I go in. Lol pain free! Lol
Sometime we just got to find a descriptive way to say it hurts. Please stop. And do it in the moment when it has more impact.
Send something to the Medical Board and ask that they forward it to him, if you do not want to confront him directly.
I had a woman in Walmart make remarks about a young girl I babysit. My daughter is mixed with black and Mexican but the little girl I keep is fully black. The cashier first said that she was beautiful and asked how I keep her hair moisterized. Then she followed with, “from the color of her skin you would think she’d have that dry, nasty stuff. Well I guess is really oily huh? Its got to be one way or the other… Lucky she has a pretty face.” I, like you was completely dumbfounded and shosced into silence. I just walked away and found a different cashier.
My god…I really want people to speak up to this mess but it’s not easy when you are truly speechless and dumbfounded in thru moment… people should know this type of crap is not ok!!! I have to practice on figuring out what to say because I know I will be facing a similar microaggression eventually.
Wow! That ignorant heifer said that in front of the little girl? If so, she’s wrong for that mess!! Sometimes grown-ups act like ignorant children!
Sometimes it is better to deal with situations your not happy with straight away but I think most of us are in shock when it happens . I had an Indian doctor say to me that I spoke better English than him . He obviously judged me on my skin colour because I was born in the Uk. People will judge no matter where they are from. But we do not have to tolerate derogatory remarks . I am sure that they would be apologetic once they know that they have done wrong or have hurt a persons feelings . Some have no common sense even though they are ‘ professionals’ it’s time to educate . Common sense is not common to all .
I feel your pain Taisha. Yesterday 3 weave wearing, eyelash extensioned young ladies thought they could laugh at my cornrows. I shot them dirty looks and I had a long think about why this irked me and I realised it’s because I’m proud of my hair and expect others to feel the same. However, the truth is they don’t and I can’t waste my time being annoyed by other people’s lack of knowledge. It’s either an opportunity for me to educate or let it go. How you feel about your hair is what’s important not anyone else. If your doctor comments again, ask him if his specialisation is hair or rheumatism and suggest he stick to what he knows best, then smile sweetly. What he thinks is none of your concern. It’s your hair, not his.
I would record his comments and report it to the AMA (American Medical Association)…then I’d find a lawyer and sue him for racial harrassment. That would show the A-hole to keep his idiot trap shut!!
I already can’t stand white folk and when they comment or look at my hair funny I give them a look that says “I dare you”….
I used to sit back in amazement and not have anything to say, but now I feel TOO confident in my skin and I’ll be damned if somebody anybody makes me feel less than.
I already can’t stand white folk and when they comment or look at my hair funny I give them a look that says “I dare you”….
I used to sit back in amazement and not have anything to say, but now I feel TOO confident in my skin and I’ll be damned if somebody anybody makes me feel less than.
My white brother-in-law said the same thing to my mixed 10yo daughter when she had a beautiful, moisturized, defined braid out “you look like you stuck your finger in a light socket!”. I got really angry and pulled him aside to say that was a hurtful thing to say and he acted shocked that it was offensive! Is that possible?!
You have to remember that seeing a women’s hair no matter what race in a braid out state to whites would be deemed unkept because their hair is flatter and a person who does indeed get electrocuted would have their hair left in that unkempt state.
I generally feel that not all white people who say this are saying it in regards to race but anyone with such hair,in fact there are blacks that have used this line about other blacks,because we are in a society that shows the norm to be the exact opposite to what a black persons natural hair state is.
WOW! I wish that it wouldn’t have to take a third appointment for you to speak up about how offended you felt. I would just simply let him know that his comments about my hair offends me and ask him to stop. I would mention that I am just there for his medical services and that’s it. I would also mention that I understand that my wonderful hair may make some people uncomfortable but please keep his comments to himself. FYI: sometimes no matter how nice you say thing people can always twist them into a negative so don’t be afraid to express your feelings
I think you should tell him, in as direct and non-confrontational a manner as possible, that his comments are insulting and ask him to stop his unsolicited comments.
It really depends on the result you want to achieve. You have to decide if you want to make the doctor understand that his comments are impacting your ability to be as open with him as you need to be OR if you want to get revenge on him for hurting your feelings.
If you want revenge, then you can go the “angry” confrontational route by asking if he has a problem with African American hair, calling in patient advocates, and threatening him wit the medical board. He surely won’t ever mention a patient’s hair again. He will also likely feel that black people are overly-sensitive wackos who play the “race card” at every opportunity.
Most people react negatively and totally shut down when they feel that they are being attacked. If your goal is to tell him about himself and then keep him as a doctor, you can be pretty sure that it won’t happen because he’ll likely be terrified that you’ll sue him.
If you want to make it clear that his behavior is hurtful and demeaning in a way that might actually make him understand “why” what he is doing is totally unacceptable, then you could simply repeat what he has said to you and share how you were first hurt and then angry by what he said to you, and how instead of focusing on your health you spent the weeks between your appointment feeling anxious about what else he might say and how you could tell him how bad it makes you feel.
If he gets defensive and doesn’t listen to the second approach, you know he’s a person that can’t be reasoned with and then you can move on up the punishment ladder.
I know it seems impossible, but sometimes people really don’t know that what they are saying is wrong/hurtful. He probably has no clue about your struggle with your transition or the larger context of black hair in a white society. You’re reacting based on your lifetime of being told that you’re not the standard of beauty. He’s making an “offhand” comment. He definitely needs to be corrected, but it may help to have an understanding of where he is coming from as well.
I have found that the vast majority of people are actually open to dialogue. My advice would be to bring up the subject before he does at the next appointment. Without being overly emotive, you could explain to him that his previous comments at the two past appointments were offensive to you. Explain that your hair grows naturally out of your head like this and it is essentially the same as you asking him why is his hair so straight.
Some of you will be surprised but there are a great number of white people who actually think that black women in general grow straight hair simply because there is a lot of relaxed hair around. It is a good opportunity to take a chance to educate someone without being condescending about it or worse still taking the ‘angry black woman’ approach.
Do remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
How many WHITE MEN stifle their justifiable reactions to ridicule, humiliation, shame and unprofessional behavior for fear of coming off as an ‘Angry White Man’? How many JEWS are CHIDED into passivity and submission by other Jews, out of a hysterical community fear of WHAT OTHERS MAY PERCEIVE, when they have an emotional response to being shamed by another? Answer: none!
How many ‘angry Black women’ actually exist to justify the disdain of this apparently fearsome and loathsome phenomenon? Yeah, yeah TV – which is *surely* a representation of the best society has to offer, and the random crazy woman at the grocery store or the woman on the street – bunk!
The mass-hysterical fear of this image is amazing and will never amount to its reality. The ‘angry Black woman’ is a manufactured stereotype, treat it like one instead of giving it life! She is a descendant of Mammy, the wild bush woman, the red-clad prostitute – all false ‘idols’ circulated as the norm to cow us into complicity. When we buy into these distorted images, we devalue the reality of mothering, our tribal ancestry, our sexuality and with the ‘angry Black woman’, our passion.
White men are never encouraged to abandon their instinctive response to being berated. They don’t invent wild theories that someone’s upbringing or cultural exposure, education or humor must be lacking. They don’t second-guess themselves into gently coaxing a SERVICE-PROVIDER/bully into behaving as a professional, considerate, thinking adult human. He was educated enough to receive a degree, don’t assume this man needs or wants a teacher out of a woman he has chosen as a target of ridicule and is so comfortable dismissing.
By the way, emotion, or being overly emotive’ as you put it, isn’t a disadvantage, it’s a gift, use it with abandon despite how it ‘looks’.
I have experienced a situation like this with a slightly different twist. The person who insulted me was my BLACK professor in my Social Statistics class. I had locs at the time that were almost waist length. He told me that I was a smart girl but I would never make it in the corporate world with my hair that way. I, like you, was shocked! However, I did not keep silent. I’m a little spit fire honestly. My friends and associates alike tend to call me ‘nice nasty’. I simply said, “Well, you’ve made it so I’m sure there is hope for me.” I’m sure in his mind he was trying to be helpful but I can’t imagine why he thought what he said was okay. I was even more astonished because he was sporting a box shaped afro…
Anywho, people are mean. Sometimes, if we don’t fit in society’s box,they believe it gives them license to put us in our place. I’m so happy to find women like you and those on this site who embrace their differences and live outside of the box. By the way, YOUR HAIR ROCKS!!!!
The doctor is ignorant,as educated and intelligent as he is,he should know better then to make any comments which could cause offense,
It’s hard to say anything thing else because you have not stated what he said,but you could ask him why he says it,if anything people regardless of their profession will say stuff but sometimes in life you have to pass it off,otherwise you will forever be arguing with just about everyone
And I mentioned the demographic of where I grew up because I unfortunately dealt with many derogatory comments about my braids or lack of a relaxer growing up, but I have to say, I was lucky enough to have some snappy responses up my sleeve at the time. I was amazed to see when suddenly braids became wide-spread with the rise of African braiding salons and pretty much normalized. It gives me hope for the future that in general, also with natural hair, it will only take a decade for continued “normalization” to take place as we now see many naturals on television, role models like Lupita, and women sharing knowledge with their daughters from the cradle on how to love and care for their hair. Amen.
Don’t agree with your comment at all – “it give me hope for the future that in general, also with natural hair, it will only take a decade for continued “normalization” to take place as we now see many naturals…”we as a people have too many issues – still seeing too many women with weaves “really bad bad bad weaves showing we have very deep issues. Just yesterday I saw this thirteen year old with a glued on lace front wig on almost down to her eyebrows, going to school. Talk about embarrassment! the wig was red and blond – come to this area i’m at and you can tell that blacks for the most part have deep psychological issues that really needs to be addressed. I felt like crying yesterday, because although she was going to school the way she was dressed told a whole different story. Her face was unwashed – in fact she came to borrow my cell phone to call her mother to let her know where she was at.
Some commentators have tried to make it an “us vs. them” situation aka black vs. white, and I believe everyone’s stories, but we all know most of us have experienced derisive remarks, looks, and laughs from those who look like us and are uncomfortable with self-esteem issues which extends to those on television (e.g. Sheryl Underwood-gate).
Many of us, including myself, grew up at least for most of my childhood in a predominantly black town where you could count the number of non-blacks on one hand. Most blacks I could assume (and anyone can combat me statistically, I have no problem with that) probably live among other blacks, and this includes the diaspora, and receive derisive comments or dirty looks from close family and friends and in my culture, my afro would be a “sign of madness” (yes I am African, but born here). So yes, am I surprised at these “bolder” whites who are usually fearful of seeming racist and normally don’t have balls to say it out loud? Yes, as I’ve been lucky to receive supportive comments from my non-black peers or respectful understanding, but anyway, I just say this to keep things in perspective (in my humble opinion) so we vet person by person, not some blanket perspective.
This sounds an awful lot like “not all white people” when it’s actually… a lot of white people. A lot of white people are ignorant and say ignorant things that are racial microaggressions. The stigma surrounding afro-textured hair isn’t the same as other types of derisive remarks aimed at white people for whatever reason, for example. Afro-textured hair is politicised (and racialised) in a way that…”white person with freckles” isn’t.
Self-hate isn’t the same thing as racism either. Black people can’t oppress themselves, especially since they have neither the power or privilege to do so. Self hate stems from eurocentric beauty standards that are forced on us…and the nasty comments made about Africans comes from only being exposed to Westerncentric narratives (created by white people) about Africans. It’s not like black people woke up one day and decided to hate themselves and berate their fellow black people for their hair and skin colour.
I would have said that it’s great how lovely GOD created this hair of mine!! Any complaints about this hair should be taken up with the Creator himself.
If you really want to make waves, put it in writing in the form of a letter and/or email. If it continues, send him another letter and/or email and cc the state medical board. That will really get his attention. Note: You should only cc the state medical board once you have decided to find another specialist.
Taisha
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with an inappropriate doctor. Like Jo said, record the incidents and tell the patient’s advocate/supervisor. Though I didn’t get comments about my hair, I’ve had a doctor shove her religious beliefs about premarital sex down my throat while she was giving me my very first pap exam. I immediately contacted the patient’s advocate for the clinic. She’s no longer working their thank goodness. Just know that you do not need to suffer in silence. Some doctors take advantage of the fact that they are in a position of power over their patients.
Y’all better start telling these people off. I had to defend a student at school last month when the receptionist told him he needed to comb his hair because it was nappy. After he told her that was the style, I let her know in no uncertain terms that this is how OUR hair grows and that she should not say that to him. Take it up with God.
You all are so wonderful for helping me with the many suggestions and advice. Thank you so much!
I honestly wasn’t sure what reaction this piece would get and it feels really good to see that my feelings aren’t just my own. You’re all amazing! I’m reading every comment, it just seemed more timely to write a quick thank you. 🙂
Record his rude comments next time and replay it to his supervisor.
To be honest, if I were in said situation, i’d have to stop myself from getting too angry, thus turning into the Incredible Hulk and throwing his expensive (or not) car into the Nile river.
I work as an engineer with several white middle aged conservatives that still believe that I should be cleaning their homes and not working as their equal. That being said, I’d like to share that my direct supervisor (who has absolutely no tact) one day said I looked like I just stuck my finger in an electric socket. I’m really self conscious about my hair journey and am 14 months transitioning so there are days when I’m still trying to figure my hair out. I too was taken aback and was speechless but he didn’t think he said anything wrong. We live in a society where people have forgotten how to be kind, understanding and compassionate to their fellow man and are letting their true colors show. My question is, if they say this kind of stuff to our faces, what happens when we aren’t around??
Oh Angela! I’m so sorry that happened to you! That is beyond unacceptable. I remember the feeling of being self-conscious after I big chopped so I feel for you so much. I’ve been natural for 3 years and I’m still feeling my way. People are rude, sometimes ignorant, but I don’t have to see you to know your hair is beautiful. It’s automatically beautiful because it’s yours.
Sometimes you have to educate people. I like to give people the benefit of doubt and while it’s a shame that they don’t know better, it’s your responsibility to set them straight if they hurt your feelings. If they don’t know what their saying is offensive,then let them know. Tell them it made you uncomfortable and WHY it’s unacceptable. You can’t expect someones behavior to change if they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong. However, if it happens again after you’ve had that talk, then that’s when legal action should be taken.
You should have asked him to repeat himself and then asked him to explain what he meant calmly? I bet the idiot would have actually had time to think twice about what he said.
It’s not that they’ve “forgotten how to be kind,” it’s that they have no respect for women, especially women of colour. People are socialised to treat us like we don’t matter or like they can say anything about us without consequence (…even when their looks are nothing to write home about and their hair is as limp as a wet dog’s or they have no hair).
…. Sometimes, quickly saying, “Excuse me ?”, sharply and looking him dead in the eye, waiting for him to actually answer you, might let him know that YOU know he has crossed the line. Don’t smile when you say it, don’t look sad or disappointed, just look at him like he smells of having stepped in some s**t. If he acts dismissive get up, get your things and walk out. He knows he’s wrong and being demeaned and disrespected is not part of the price for healthcare.
His comments are extremely unprofessional and very inappropriate and you do not have to put up with it just because he is the doctor and the only seeming, somewhat competent one in his field in your area.
He has set the stage for you not to feel comfortable in other ways…. With his actual
“care”. Because as hard as it can sometimes be to just get straight answers from any doctor, or forgetting to ask important questions (sometimes even the ones you’ve written down) he has shut the door for honest, open, comfortable communication with you.
I am also a physician with natural hair. I get constant stares, dirty looks (from Caucasians) and comments about my hair (from Black Americans/Haitians). Parents of the patient will constantly look at my hair as opposed to my face when I talk to them. I get constant comments such as : is that a wig, is your hair fake, is that YOUR hair (while their weave tracks are exposed and falling from their heads). The worst comment I feel that I get: LOOK , IT’S DOC MC STUFFINS!. On the contrary, none of my other colleagues receive that treatment. It is very stressful to deal with this nearly everyday, as if the occupation alone is not stressful enough. I typically wear my hair in various styles: twists (clipped back), pinned up twists that resemble a french roll, twist out on a few occasions, braid out, lightly flat ironed or fully straightened (high heat flat iron). In my 30+ years of living, I have never experienced such behavior towards my hair in the one year I have worked in this new town.
All I can say is, be encouraged, my sister! You are a professional black woman in a world that is still struggling to see us as equals, but YOU are the REASON why the tide will change! Also, next time someone makes a Doc McStuffins comment, you just tell the person, “Thank you for the compliment – Doc McStuffins is such an amazing role model for young girls! Don’t you agree?” and keep it moving.
Amen and AMEN!
You can look at it that way. Yet when it is done in a mocking tone (pointing and laughing), I think it is disrespectful. If my other colleagues were referred to as cartoon characters, then I would not feel as offended. The issue here is respect for the professional. These parents have more respect for my other colleagues (none of whom are of African descent/Black). My other colleagues have never been referred to as Doc McStuffins or any other cartoon character.
I think this would be the perfect opportunity to 1.express how to him how he made you feel but more importantly educate him on African American hair. Sometimes we’re so quick to defend and we fail to realize that some individuals just DONT KNOW. I’ve been trying to work on seeing the positive in situations like these because like many people I was quick to be on the defense also. Once I responded that was that and I didn’t care how the person felt afterwards. Neither could I take back what I had said. It’s honestly not the best way to go so I’d try to turn it into a learning experience on his behalf.
Going for his jugular, I would say: “During my previous two visits, you have made derisive comments about my hair. As a black woman, I’m actually surprised that a professional of your caliber, could be so racially insensitive. Have I done something to you that would make you feel that I warrant such mistreatment?”
Saying something like this makes clear how he made you feel. It also puts him on notice. The open ended question requires him to explain himself (he may dig the hole he’s already created deeper) while also sending a message. You asked him a question to which he had to respond. You’d also be using key words (“derisive”, “racially insensitive” and “mistreatment”) that you could share with others in the event you need to report further up the chain.
He has no right to comment on anything but the condition he’s treating. At the very least, if you are unable to get these words out because you feel uncomfortable or too angry, you can always counter with “Excuse me?” or “I’m sorry, what did you say?” Having a racist repeat his nonsense might give him time to hear or at least think about what he’s said. Continued lack of any response from you may signal your tacit acceptance of his nonsense. It doesn’t matter whether he’s trying to be cute, funny or if he claims ignorance . . . don’t care.
In my experience written complaints to Office Management are most effective. Good Luck with future medical treatment.
I would ask in a dry tone, do you find that funny after he asked me something about my hair.
We’ll, you have let it stand for this long. The second time you should have made it clear. At this point it is harder to comment with out it seeming like you have an attitude. The best way would be to use someone else all together because you continue to use him allowing him to disrespect you and your paying him. I am not saying you should go out your way but once you give it to him straight how comfortable would you be? If he is offended what level of service do you think you will recieve. I only believe responding could lead to an unprofessional outcome. A response now may be harmful. But, if you have to respond then you shouldn’t mention anything about him having a problem with African American hair because you are now accusing him of being racist which might not go over well. Even though we are the majority we are not the only culture with coarse textured hair. You should state that you are offended about the remarks that he makes about your appearance , how unprofessional he is being, and how umcomfortable he makes you feel. Unfortunately you need to be prepared to seek another doctor.
I personally would just ignore him for the most part. If he keeps saying something I would just say “you must love my hair as your always making comments about it”. I would be sure to refresh his mind on what he said each time and add “jokingly” are you trying to give me a complex?
I usually will put people back in their place immediately with a simple “That was rude and tactless” phrase, or something of that variation. That’s pretty much my go-to line anytime some stranger steps out of line verbally with me since it’s very brief and straightforward. I also don’t wait until several infractions later to say something, as that does absolutely nothing to help the situation.
The heck, that doctor is a disgrace. I have no idea how you were able to remain calm but i commend you greatly. I also believe the first comment gives a great suggestion for how to respond. hmph. horrible.
now… i’m not sure if this is the right time to ask *cough…but… i love your hair O_O also because it’s the same texture as mine :O and im not sure what hair type it is >< soo if you dont mind, could you share your hair typing knowledge w/ me? i'd be soo grateful
m(._.)m
Hi,
Thank you for the compliment! I was so, so nervous to even to put this story out there, it’s so kind of you to say something nice about my controversial (haha just kidding)hair.
I’m not sure if you’re looking at just the picture with the article or if you’ve gone to my instagram pictures, because the picture with this article is showing a braid-out (similar to what I had at the dr.’s office, so it’s stretched). But if it helps at all I’m a 4A. My hair is really, really thick and thankfully it’s forgiving when I’m not as nice to it as I should be. If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask away. We can chat on Instagram.:)
Yeah at this point I’d probably ask him if I’m at a hair salon instead of a doctor’s office, because that’s where I’d go if I felt I *needed* any hair advice. Or if I was at a comedy club, since he thinks his “jokes” are so funny. SMH On top of that, it isn’t the style he has a problem with, like you said, it’s the texture itself, because he made remarks even when it was in a different style, which is even more troubling. I hope you are able to find another doctor in your area who will respect you and your appearance. I would report him, personally.
He knows exactly what he’s saying; some people believe that they can say whatever they want when they are in certain positions. My suggestion is that if he says anything again, just repeat what he says back to him. For instance:
Him: You look like you just got struck by lightening.
You: I’m sorry, what? (looking offended and incredulous)
Him: You look like you just got struck by lightening. (because you know he’d repeat himself)
You: I look like I just got struck by lightening? (Still looking at him like he’s insulted you, and a little like he’s an idiot)
Him: Yeah, ha ha (he should be getting the point by now)
You: Is that what you just said to me? (Still boring him through with your eyes)
Him: ….Yeah….
You: I don’t think that’s very funny. This is a doctors’ office, not a salon, thanks. (not rude, just stating a fact)
Him: Ahem. Well. Okay, let’s get to your chart…
And so on. If you respect yourself and show him his comments were disrespectful to you as well as completely unacceptable–and teach it to him in the same moment that he’s made the mistake (because he’s a man and that’s just the best way to handle them)–then that will be a memorable lesson he’ll learn about how to treat you in the future.
You had me laughing because I could absolutely see this conversation playing out in real life. 🙂 You have a good method of using repeating in order to get someone to really hear what they’re saying. So many good ideas here! Thank you.
*lightning, not lightening. (Lol)
I am a doctor who has natural hair. I have had several instances in the past where patients have made comments like: oh you look like Lauren hill! or you remind me of that girl from Pirates from the Caribbean. I wish I said that I replied with something sharp and informative but I didn’t. You should write a letter. Concise. Informative and without anger that expresses to him you feelings. That will take the stress out of confronting him in person. All medical offices should have a complaint process. If he values you as his patient, he would feel appalled and hurt that what he said was offensive. If he does not apologize to you when you see him next, then change doctors. That means you are not valued!
Hi Joanne,
Wow your perspective as a doctor is extremely helpful! And it’s eye-opening for me to read that you experience patients making comments about your hair. I hate confrontation and the fact that I need someone in his specialty made it more complicated than dealing with the average person. I really appreciate your advice to write a letter as I would not have thought of that. Thank you again.
Aside from his ignorant comments, if you still enjoy going to him, then I think you should let him know how his remarks make you feel. His remarks are very unprofessional and he obviously doesn’t understand tact or proper bedside manner. If his behavior continues, then report him to the medical board for his racist and derogatory comments. For myself, I wouldn’t mind driving an extra distance to see a doctor if it meant having a good rapport with him/her during visits.
Best wishes to you and God bless
Thank you so much for the good wishes!
You can tell him in a calm manner how the comments he made during your last two visits made you feel. Be very calm with your approach, I usually find that the person who gets angry is usually seen as the aggressor even if they are the offended party. Be very firm and tell him that you would rather he doesn’t comment on your hair or anything personal when it comes to you. This is a business relationship and you would appreciate it staying like that. Don’t let this obviously socially incompetent person get you out of character and angry.
Hi Belle,
I agree with your approach as well, because it’s been said that making “I” statements saying how you feel instead of “you” statements like ‘you did this etc’ tend to be heard better. My goal would be for a positive outcome and to be heard and understood so that the professional relationship can proceed in a better place if possible. Thanks for your ideas.
I don’t know..I think if I had comments like that I would simply laugh it off, unless I was having a reeeally bad day..then I would snap, or point something out about them that seemed “odd”. But I don’t tend to take offence when it comes to my natural hair, I like it and it’s someone elses problem if they don’t.
Unlike the author I would have asked, why are do you say that? the first time and listen to his response. I never assume ignorance until you open your mouth and make it clear. Depending on the response, I would then school him gently, hopefully eliminating the comment about my ponytail on the 2nd visit.
Now all this stuff is going through your head. It may not be as big a deal as you anticipate. No need to plan a response, but also no need to be angry until you hear what he really thinks. You’re not representing the natural hair movement, just letting him know you’re taken aback by his comments about your hair. My .02 cents.
He’s already confirmed his ignorance twice by making any sort of comment on her appearance given that their relationship is a professional one, not personal. Moreover, he is an educated adult–he does not need gentle schooling like a child who has made an error. If she chooses to confront him, she should not have to handle him with kid gloves because he is a grown man, with the mental capacity to receive a medical degree no less. She already gave him a social cue that how he approached her was inappropriate by her lack of laughter or agreement the first time and yet he felt compelled to approach her in this way again. Regardless of how you would have felt in her situation, her irritation is valid and she doesn’t need to ask what he *really* thinks because it is no concern of hers what he really thinks of her hair or anything else of hers outside of a medical context.
You can simply state ” my hair is none of your business”. It’s simple and to the point.
That is incredibly rude, he clearly hasn’t taken a refresher course on bedside manner. I definitely support you bringing his out-of-line comments to his attention and not just asking but *telling* him to keep them to himself, whether he thinks they’re funny or not. Certainly the comment above has a good suggestion for response if you’re still working out the wording for yourself.
OOOHHHH! I felt my blood boiling before I even finished the article. If it were me, I’d have a terrible time not responding immediately out of anger, so kudos to the author for keeping her cool. If it were me, and by some miracle I could respond calmly, I’d probably say something like this:
“The past few times I’ve come to visit you, you’ve made remarks about my hair. I found them offensive, and it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that other patients in my demographic would as well. Please avoid any further commentary on my appearance. I’m here to see you for (X), not for hair advice. If this behavior continues, I’m reporting these incidents to your superiors, and I don’t have any problem contacting the American Board of Internal Medicine if I have to.”
Hi, this is why posting articles like this is so helpful, you came up with a much better response than I would have thought of on my own! The wording is clear, concise and mature. I really like it. Maybe I’ll just print this out and read it. 😉
I’m so glad I could help! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I really feel like these kinds of issues–the day to day discomforts and rude microaggressions that we all deal with (and are told to ignore), really should be discussed more.
I’m assuming that your Dr is NOT Black, nor has he been around too many Blacks. I’m sure your Dr was trying (failing miserably) to be friendly or break the ice. I’m sure he wasn’t being malicious—-he’s clearly ignorant when it comes to our hair. I find that many people that are of other races don’t know what to say to Blacks at first meeting. I know. They should treat us like any other person. But understand, many are nervous around Blacks, and will often blurt out stupidity in the guise of being friendly. Years ago, one of my co-workers would refer to the singer David Rufin whenever he saw me. One day he said “say hello to David Rufin”. I’m like HUH???? I don’t know David Rufin!!!!! I guess he thought I knew him because we were both Black!!!! SMH. The bright side is you don’t have to see your Dr. everyday…all day.
You can’t correct him. At this point no lecture or education about Blacks is going to do any good. If you try and correct him, you’ll probably just come off to him as “just another angry Black woman”. If he didn’t over charge for his services, gave you inadequate inferior treatment, or kept you waiting longer than anyone else, let it go and hold that head high.
here we go making excuses for non black people being a-holes to us….your reply is disturbing.
I’m sorry we disagree on this subject. But sometimes “we” can be waay too sensitive about the smallest things. We want to kick up a fuss about every little comment or glance from non-Blacks. And we wonder why Blacks have the highest percentage of high blood pressure than any other race. Black are far too reactionary. We are constantly ready for battle – even when its unnecessary. Was he unkind to her? Did he make racial slurs? What would her reaction be if the Dr was Black? Would she be as upset about the comment if the Dr was Black? Does he make off color jokes/comments to non-Black patients? Probably. He sounds like a comic, not a racist. Relax, and learn how to pick your battles. After all, its just hair.
Please stop telling people that their feelings aren’t valid and that they’re overreacting in potentially racial-charged situations. Even if the doctor didn’t understand why what he said was out of order, it’s still wrong.
This is exactly why Taisha was afraid to say anything to her doctor. I’m not even sure why you’re talking about black people overreacting when the problem here is that she didn’t react; she kept her feelings inside because that’s what we’re told to do lest we come off as angry black stereotypes. Taisha wrote about her problem because she wanted advice about how to handle it, not judgment. Like, are we not allowed to be upset about anything now because ignorant people might stereotype us?
Often we don’t react to issues troubling us and that’s not a healthy way to live at all. We need to stop pretending that this sort of behaviour is okay and that it’s like “water rolling off our backs.” It’s not, it’s disrespectful.
@Ebonydoll1973:
Yes, there are some people that are too combative. They often act on emotions while all rational, logic or reason are thrown out the window. But this author not seem to be one of those people so let’s focus on helping her deal with the situation since it is obviously plaguing her mind.
Now, let’s entertain this idea of yours regarding the this doctor being a comic? Does this make his actions acceptable? Especially if it becomes a continuous thing for him? I think he should be put in his place but in a diplomatic manner rather than attacking the situation or dismissing it.
Words can be powerful especially when you know how to use them. So you can be cool, calm and collective while still effectively bringing your point across while standing up for yourself.
At the end of the day, he is an adult, not a child so there should be tact, some level of discretion on his part, especially when dealing with people you do not know on a personal level. Do you honestly believe that he would speak to his superiors or anyone he highly respects in that manner? Somehow I doubt this.
I understand your point but I don’t think she should let it go. Differences are not something to be laughed at and pointed out as if we are children on the playground. We are adults, with manners and the ability to have tact. He is a medical professional and doesn’t realize that his “bedside manner” is inappropriate. He apparently has a fascination with her hair, since it doesn’t matter what she does to it. So this is the perfect educational opportunity.