by
Black Girl With Long Hair
Mticqah says;
I have been natural longer than I can remember. Locs for close to 13 years now, just natural and free. I have a 9 year old daughter. Her hair is thicker and kinkier than mines. I used to just keep it braided, but the ordeal of taking it down, washing and re-braiding became too much for the both of us. Also she’s extremely tender headed. When the time would come for her to get it done she would get sad and depressed. My mom felt like there was no logical reason for her to go through such pain associated with her hair and pressured me to let her relax it. Which I did. And now everyone is happy. My daughter no longer dreads getting her hair done, and my mom is glad I’m not torturing her grand baby. But me, I have serious guilt feelings for not standing firm on my desire for my daughter to be natural. I’m wondering; did I do the right thing?
What are your thoughts ladies? Is a relaxer ever an appropriate fix when a child’s hair is difficult to manage? Moms in particular, would love to hear your thoughts!
116 Responses
I put a relaxer in my daughter’s hair. I had the same problems as you were having. She and I are both happy, and I take great care of it. It’s easy for me to spot the dead ends, and her hair is down her back.
I cannot tell you if it’s wrong or right, but it was right for us. As for your guilt, I’m not sure if you mean it’s yours, or if you feel guilty by what others may think or the decision they would have made in your circumstance. You could always let the relaxer grow out and go natural again.
Think about it in terms of you and her. As for me, my little girl is happy, and so is mommy.
My daughter is 6, her hair when stretched is down her back, and she is extremely tenderheaded also.
I’ve just been more patient and gentler with her because I want her to know beautiful her hair is as it comes out of her head. With that said, I can’t say if you did the right thing or not. But if you’re feeling guilty, I’d say not. I would express that no matter how the hair is worn, it all takes care. What time that is saved with a relaxer, is made up somewhere else.
I can’t judge the rightness or wrongness of it, but for my daughter, we worked it out another way.
Latifah
I know I’m late on this but…what does it mean when people say that a child who was born with curly-kinky-whatever hair, is not ready to deal with their natural hair? I think that some kids just don’t like to get their hair done period, and a lot of parents just aren’t willing to be patient. Which is sort of understandable.From my experience dealing with my relaxed hair by myself was a lot more responsibility. Dealing with “natural hair” is different, and I think it’s only hard if you make it so. My hair was hard when I wanted to do things with it that I couldn’t do because of length or time… But once I found out how to do two-strand twists and stretched my hair!!!??? Boo-yow! I find that Black folks always feel like a girls head has to be “put-together” with a bunch of lil barrettes and crap. But, if I ever have a daughter I plan to forgo the tight pony-tails and long sessions. If it has to be kept short for a while then so be it.
i think it was neither wrong or rite cause im facing the same decision in cutting my sons hair cause he screams an balds when im combing his hair.
I don’t think you were wrong-I think you were right. You have to do what works best for you and your daughters lifestyle. The constant fighting, pulling and conflict was not working for your lifestyle. THAT IS OKAY. Lol.
My mom put a relaxer in my hair at three years old for this exact reason. I am 25 today and I don’t think she was wrong. My hair was super thick and long and I HATED getting my hair done. HATED IT! Even after the relaxers, my hair continued to thrive because my mother knew how to take care of my hair. I made the decision to quit getting relaxers almost two years ago, but it was a personal choice. With or without the relaxer, my hair continues to thrive; it’s about knowing how to take care of your hair. Period.
There is more to life than hair. If you and your child are happier don’t beat yourself up over it. She can always go natural later but may never forgot the feelings of anxiousness and distress. I say build happy memories for your family whatever it takes. Don’t let the judgment of others rule how you raise your child–only you can decide what’s best for her.
Mticquah, I could have written the same thing you did, I let a hair dresser talk me into putting a perm in my 5 year old baby head. I feel so guilty now…because I wear a natural….I decided to move on from that and just let the perm grow out and NEVER put a perm in my child hair. The worst mistake I never made.
Hi Mticqah, You have my support in what you did. I can relate to what you were going through. My daughter begged for a relaxer for years but I told her she had to wait until she was at least 13. Well, she wore me down with countless mornings of her tender-headed hair combing. She was miserable and so was I. I worked nights and had to rush home in the mornings to fight with her to get her hair done. (And for those who say, do her hair the night before, we tried and her hair never looked right in the morning). A relaxer made both our lives easier. We always use the sensitive scalp so she has never felt a drop of heat. We take good care of her hair and for now this is what works for us. She is 12 now and says she may go natural when she is a little older but she is not ready yet. I am not going to force her into something that will make her unhappy. I’m natural but I’m not a Naturalista-Nazi. I believe in healthy hair. My hair was always healthy when it was relaxed and so is my daughters. Do what is right for you and your child. None of the critics are going to come over and fight through your baby’s tangles!
No relaxers ever, especially for babies. It isn’t right on any level. Cut her hair before you do that.
Personally, I would cut my daughter’s hair before I would relax it. Why wasn’t that an option? A cute short, to medium afro with hair accessories would have been age appropriate, yet still feminine. Another option could have been to lock your daughter’s hair.
This post resonates with me because less than 24 hours ago, my mother texturized my 12-year-old son’s hair without my permission because “his hair never looks combed.” I was livid.
Back story: we’d agreed he could grow out his hair on the condition that it be combed at all times. (My kid’s one of those boys who always seem to have taken a mud bath fully clothed, though he’s starting to grow out of it.) His last haircut was maybe 6 months ago, but his hair grows really slowly–my sis thinks I’m being generous by saying it’s grown about 1.5 inches in the 6 months–and it’s really tightly coiled like you’ve never seen. I’ve therefore spent a lot of time and effort trying to help make his hair naturally manageable: shea/oils mixes, glycerin/water sprays, co-washing, DC’s, getting soft water to wash his hair with, since our water’s hard, etc. We’d planned for me to stretch his hair for the first time with twists tomorrow now that he’s got about 2 inches. Despite my being uncomfortable with his hair obsession, I want him to have a healthy self-image and teaching him to take care of what he’s got is part of the process.
He, however, quietly let his grandma put a relaxer in his hair for a few minutes, knowing he wouldn’t get the green light from me. (Yeah, God put grandparents on earth to screw with parents.)
Now, I didn’t put the relaxer in, but I felt guilty at first; I felt I’d failed to (1) teach him to not take the easy way out, and (2) make my voice heard over the cacophony of screaming voices in his pre-teen world telling him to look or behave a certain way, or change themselves to be liked. (See the last, ugh, Twilight installment.) But I also realize that he’s a kid: this could just be a phase. So once I got over my shock, we had a little talk, agreed that the texturizer was a one-time deal, and moved on. I’ll just cut it off when it starts breaking 🙂
I’m not against relaxers for adults; it’s a personal choice and some folks just can’t or don’t understand natural hair. (My mother, for instance, went natural a couple years ago and I made her go back to the perm after a year because her hair was horribly unhealthy, no matter what my sister and I tried to teach her. At 66, her 4b/c/whatever hair was simply too much work for her. The perm she’d been getting for 40 years was what she understood and when she went back to it, her hair was healthy again.)
Kids and perms, however, are not my preference. I got them on and off from about age 10 and I do believe the creamy crack is partly responsible for my weak edges in front. I have, however, known many girls who have always had perms and have beautifully healthy hair. I think the most important thing, whether or not one chooses the perm for their child, is to teach these kids that our hair is different from Caucasian hair and it is beautiful. So even if you fail the first time like I did, keep telling them.
Reading some of these posts is raising my blood pressure. I don’t think Mticqah did the right thing, but I don’t think she did the wrong thing. If the little girl is crying and screaming and making a fuss every time she has to get her hair done, why subject her. I think we fail to realize that, that can be equally traumatizing. Maybe even more so than getting a relaxer. She may look back at her experiences with her hair and never go natural because it was always a fuss. However perhaps when she’s ready to take care of her own hair, she can decide she doesn’t want perm. Please don’t feel guilty and beat yourself up Mticqah. Is your daughter safe, happy, and healthy? yes? Alright then. Move on. Sometimes parents are faced with difficult decisions and they do the best they can given the circumstances and resources they have. Some of these comments are the reason that people don’t want to go natural. We talk down to people who have perm or perm their children’s hair. Lest we forget that many of us had perm at one time? Often by PERSONAL choice. So before we judge this mother, let’s reevaluate our journeys and realize where we came from. And there are other harmful practices besides perm that we subject our children too that are equally harmful in different ways. Some of these comments were just militant folks, yelling on their soapbox.
I feel you. I haven’t read any of the hurtful comments yet, but I know there are natural nazis out there. I was permed from the time I was 4 to the time I decided “to hell with it” at 16. And I know it felt worse and worse each time that crap was shmeared on my head, lol. Few children actually enjoy getting their hair done. But just because a kid doesn’t like something, is that reason enough to forgo it? Most kids don’t like veggies either until their parents teach them to like them. For me, it’s not about judging the mother (I’m a mama myself), it’s a lack of comprehension. I don’t understand WHY you would forsake something that’s obviously important to you – because the granny was complaining? Sorry, but that’s not her kid. And once the child is grown, she can make that decision for herself.
Why is it that every time someone has an opinion it is considered militant? It’d be different if this was just some story she shared, but the woman ASKED for opinions. And she got them.
I regret the day my mother put a relaxer in my hair as a young child, and she did so and continued to for the same reason. I also find that parents who can not be bothered to deal with the fact that their child will feel pain and some form of discomfort when getting their hair done, and therefore relaxes the poor child’s head to make it easier for them. This way its a quicker process, less crying, blahh blahh blahh.
I still struggle with my hair after being natural for 9 years (i am 24 now) but this is because i have made mistakes and the chance for me to grow and get used to my natural hair was stolen from me as a child.
Yes you made a bad decision, instead of dwelling i personally believe you should think about how you can support your little girl to embrace her natural hair and how to best deal with it. How will you progress from here on? Bare in mind that the chemicals you are putting into your little girls body are devastating!! The damage to your girls scalp can sometimes not be eradicated. Or rather, that will be another job in its self, and you need to ask yourself if you will be putting effort into that in the long run.
I didnt read much, but i saw that someone said 9 was not young. That IS VERY YOUNG!! and on the other hand she will be learning to do her own hair in a matter of years, but now has to learn about transitioning from relaxed hair or dealing with relaxed hair, and will be another poor black goddess who does not know what her hair looks or feel like etc. I wonder who will be teaching these methods ‘correctly’…
On another note, as a mother, there is responsibility to do your best to find other methods of making ‘hair time’ enjoyable. If you as can honestly say you have tried and tested different products and routines that will work better for her then fair enough. But unfortunately, with most parents choosing relaxer, this is not the case.
This is not personal… i am passionate about a topic which has effected me ever since, and because my job role surrounds children. i am extremely passionate about their well being .
Peace and Love
Since she asked for everyone’s opinion, I’ll just say up front that, no I don’t think its okay and yes I think she made the wrong decision. As many have noted though, what’s done is done.
I’m curious though as to why putting a relaxer on a child who’s “tender-headed” would be better than keeping the toxic chemicals off her already sensitive scalp and just finding a way to minimize the pull on her natural hair. In the long run, the perms are only going to jack up her scalp even more and will have more adverse affects than say…combing.
That’s what I was thinking…. I also don’t understand why the child needs to be in tight braids all the time (I sure hated my braid days, even though I had a relaxer as a child!). Every kid’s going to whine and squirm on hair day – even my son does it with his shorter hair. If she’s really tender-headed, maybe try finger-detangling with plenty of slippy conditioner and a hair rake or tangle teezer, which is a godsend btw. There’s no reason on this green earth that anyone, especially a child, should be subjected to harsh chemicals. If you wouldn’t let your baby smoke, why would you let her breathe in lye or formaldehyde?
What would Mticqah do if she couldn’t perm her child’s hair? If her child is so tender headed that she couldn’t manage her natural hair, wouldn’t chemicals also hurt her child’s scalp?
My scalp is now so sensitive that it scabs up if I put chemicals in my hair.
There has to be a way we can manage our daughter’s hair without making the drastic move to place chemicals on their scalp and alter their hair texture.
Not being judgmental at all — just don’t like the idea of perming childrens’ hair. But then again, I’m not a parent so I probably should just shut up. LOL
No. If you’re having trouble with your child’s hair, buy a pound of bentonite clay online, it’s cheaper, find a good leave in and get to twisting. No excuses. Stop perming the hair of the babies!!!!!!!!!!!
Just out of curiosity, how would bentonite clay help? I’ve heard people talking about it as a cleanser, but what benefits can it provide beyond that?
I do not think that it is acceptable to relax a child’s hair out of convenience. Even though it may not be our hair, it is our responsibility – to manage and learn how to take care of it properly. I regret that my mom relaxed my hair out of convenience and now that I look at old pictures, my hair looks GORGEOUS and like it was a lot more easier to comb then than now. I think after turning to relaxers and going natural again, my hair has thickened, if that makes any sense.. I could be exaggerating, but still..
Young mothers, don’t be lazy – TAKE CARE OF YOUR KID’S HAIR – WITHOUT RELAXERS!
I don’t think it’s laziness, generally. I think it’s frustration and pressure. It’s hard to juggle kids and other responsibilities. I agree about avoiding relaxers, but I don’t think mother-shaming is the way to go.
It is so easy for ppl who are not in your situation to ”know” what everyone should do. Please! What’s done is done, just make sure you take the best care that you can with her hair now so it doesn’t break off or get too damaged. From now on go with your first mind.
Related to this idea of being “tender-headed” is the idea that kinky hair needs to be combed. It doesn’t. You can use your fingers in lieu of a comb, and you really don’t have to “thoroughly” detangle your hair (and I am not talking about allowing the hair to lock). The truth is that kinky hair is never really detangled – it will tangle right back up two seconds after you run a fine tooth comb through it. It is more important to remove shed hairs and major knots/tangles. I think adjusting expectations may cut down the time and pain that is often (artificially) attached to kinky hair.
You did the wrong thing by sending your daughter a message that her hair is a “problem” that needs to be fixed with a relaxer. There are now tons of youtube tutorials out there teaching moms quick and easy ways to care for their daughters’ natural hair. There’s no excuse anymore for dumping a bucket of relaxer on your child’s head and calling it a day.
I used a texture on my 5yr hair, because they told me it would loosen the curls. Once she can back from the beauty shop there were no curls and she would have to go back every three months. Then i thought about it that was to much for a child to go through, plus the breakage starts after a few years. I slowly start to cut little by little until all the perm was gone. I did the big chop on my self to show her that there is nothing wrong with your hair black is beauty. To take the time out to do it is well worth it in the long run, let her make the decision when she gets older how she wants her hair.
Good Luck
I was all for my 2 younger girls getting relaxers (by a professional licensed salon owner) to help tame and manager their hair. They had super thick long heads of hair that was almost a full day of work to wash, condition, detangle etc and yes they are tender headed. Their hair liked it for a little while. Not until this year did I regret my decision. Their hair is just the same anymore. The texture totally changed and one had bad breakage. So we agreed they would return to natural hair. So as their hair grows out I have their ends trimmed and put their hair in protective styles while keeping it moisturized. I will never recommend a child getting a relaxer.
I think a problem with being loc’ed is that people seem to either forget how or dislike doing natural LOOSE hair. Just because someone has chosen that path does not mean they love their natural tresses. I have noticed that many natural hairdressers are loc’ed women and definitely feel that many of them prefer natural hair in this state and dislike styling loose kinky natural hair. When you wear loose natural hair you learn its every nuance and how to cater better to it. To me locs are like the ultimate protective style, 24/7, 365 and I can see how someone wearing them might struggle with loose hair. I think caring for the hair’s new state is the best the mother can do. She was railroaded by her own mother into perming the child’s hair and if that doesn’t work out for them I’m sure she will transition her back to natural. Just because there are many resources on the Internet for hair care, doesn’t mean that everyone has the time and lifestyle to follow it. I wouldn’t beat myself up about a decision made either.
I don’t think this has anything to do with the mother being locked. The majority of women that I know who have locs take care of their daughters’ hair in their natural, loose, state. OR, they have a stylist do it if they can’t manage. Some of them loc their daughters’ hair, but many refuse citing that they want their daughters to make their own decision at the right age. I have locs and if I have a daughter I will detangle and plait her hair just like my grandmother, aunts, and mother did- all who had straight, relaxed hair but were able to take care of our hair without complaining about it.
I completely agree with you on this! This is why I’m starting to believe that locs are the new relaxer.
My +1 was meant for Fabre
My mother put a relaxer in my hair when I was about 9 or 10, and I think it was a mistake. I really believe it was a lack of knowledge about black hair. God blessed me with a son so I do not have this problem. If I had a daughter I would leave perming her hair as a decision she makes when she is much older. I don’t think I would personally feel comfortable doing that. If I could not comb it I would find someone that could.
Do you feel you understand your daughters hair and haircare as well as you understand your own? Do you know her hair density? Strand diameter? Porosity? Curl pattern/texture? Your area humidity? These are honest questions.
Connecting the dots that my hair is thick, medium diameter, spongy and coily, low porosity and that my city is humid helped answer why moisture and humectants were my hair’s BFF, why 99.9% of all oils and butters made my head a greasy mess, why my hair held coils and curls forever with no product, why it felt so dry all the time and how thick moisturizers like aloe gel and glycerin made styling, defining and detangling a breeze.
Despite the guilt, would you perm her hair again? If so, be honest with yourself and your daughter about the reasons. I sympathize, my mother still regrets feeling pressured by my cousin to perm my hair at age 7 in the early 80s when perms were becoming the longer lasting alternative to pressing. She used to have an afro and had a ton of natural haircare techniques that she used on me and my sister pre-perm like plaiting at night with sponge rollers and curling with fabric strips and pipe cleaners, henna and moisture masks and on and on and on. She describes the moment as shelving her instinct and know-how for promises of silky hair and convenience, and despite my hair’s incompatibility with perms, being too frightened to go back to pressing full time and risk my roots creeping out and someone making her kid cry by labeling them as ‘nappy’. It’s a shame we didn’t share technique and this dialogue through all my years of breakage, wasted money and extensions to cover the permed damage and imitate the thick, straight, glossy hair the perm never delivered.
I think you made a mistake, I think perms are a largely unstudied, cheaply hashed mix of highly toxic ingredients (Coke can anyone?). But it sounds as if you knew our community advice, input and other support would come with the good, the bad and the ugly whether we were moms or not, Lol! I hope you coach your daughter on growing it out and explore years of naturalness together. Best of luck with whatever you decide Mticqah!
I was very tender headed as a child with thick afro hair and my mum found ways to comb and wash my hair without torturing me, despite there being very limited products for black people at the time. I honestly think you did not find the right products to use in your daughter’s hair in order to make it soft and manageable. What worked in your hair may not have worked for her. Even as an adult I have tried several hair mosturizers, recipes, etc from this site, but the only moisturizer that truly softens my really thick hair enough for me to be able to comb it is UBH creme moisturizer and even then I have to put a lot of it on and leave it in big twists for a while when I first wash my hair, before I attempt to detangle it. Once my hair is detangled and soft I can seal with shea or any other oil.
You say everyone is happy, but it doesn’t sound like you are truly happy about you decision. What’s done is done so don’t continue to beat yourself up, but if having natural hair means that much to you, maybe you should do some further research on how to help you daughter transition and what products may be good for her natural hair. I fully recommend UBH creme moisturizer.
You shouldn’t beat yourself up because what’s done is done. However, if you are feeling a certain way about it, then I would suggest changing how you handle that situation in the future.
just continue to take care of it no matter whether it is relaxed or not. It is not the end of the world, if you can make sure her hair never gets over relaxed, never dry and is always cute go for it. I am natural. I am not anti perm. I am anti breakage.
+2.
Hi,
I can totally relate to what you did & why you did it, as I did the same thing myself. My daughter’s hair is very thick & she has a lot of it as well. She use to cry, get frustrated each time it was time to do her hair. No matter how gentle I was or what products I used. No one convinced me however to perm her hair. I did this all on my own when she was six. It was just three years ago that I decided to try going natural again for the both of us. My daughter wanted to do try it because she did not like the perms anymore & I just wanted the freedom of not processing hair every 6 – 8 weeks. My daughter & I both transitioned for 2 years without breakage.
The texture of my hair & my daughter’s are completely different. Her hair is definitely coarser than my own and she still dreads getting it done. Yes, I am extremely gentle when doing her hair and I know how to care for it. However, when I ask her if she rather go back to a perm the answer is adamantly “NO.” She does not like hardly any of the natural hairstyles and prefers to wear it straight or in ponytail. She only twelve so she might get a little more adventurous later on. My personal opinion, I think you need to do whatever works for you. Nine years ago perms worked for us. Three years later they don’t. Don’t feel guilty for your decision as long as you can live with it and your daughter & you are happy. Being natural is not for everyone. This is why we have choices.
Sonya M. Jones
Tee-iabo Designs
I’m not a mom and I’m certainly not judging. Plus if everyone is happy, so be it.
My only concern/ next step would be making sure the child didn’t think badly about her hair. She could now think that her hair as it grows out of her head is bad and has to have a relaxer in order to be beautiful. I don’t think there is a problem having a relaxer but if one feels dependent, as if they have to have a relaxer bc their own hair is completely unmanageable, unruly, and ugly this could cause beauty issues later down the line. Or beauty/ self- esteem issues now.
I had long thick hair as a child and I didn’t look forward to getting my hair done cause it was a long, painful process, but I looked forward to the end result. My mom didnt like doing it so I only got pretty twists every blue moon and picture days. I asked to get relaxer to be like the rest of the girls in my class and finally got it in like 6th grade. I don’t blame my mom despite the fact she hated the process, I was always told I had pretty hair, good hair even (but that’s another post). I went natural a couple years ago and it wasn’t a really long or super hard transition but there was def a mental transition and revaluation of my idea of what beautiful hair was on myself.
because of all the dangerous chemical in relaxers there should be a law prohibiting parents from using it. Ignorance is not an excuse to irreversibly harm children’s future. We don’t know what kind of damage these thing can do.
+1 and AMEN!! I can’t believe people are still acting like it’s a good idea to put chemicals on anyone’s head especially a child and then just acting like it’s a styling option. Ponytails, twists, updos and such are styling options. Putting chemicals on a tender scalp is not.
+1
I’m having a hard time with this as well. I get that people will style their hair the way they see fit. I have no beef with that. But putting a relaxer in is not just a style. It’s clear it’s harmful to our health. I can’t come down on a grown woman for doing that, and I haven’t always been natural, but I’m having a hard time with people thinking it’s OK for a child. All other arguments aside, overall bodily health is most important.
And this is not me being judge-y. This is me being genuinely concerned. I know we aim to be accepting of other people’s hair choices. At least I do. But do we need to be so accepting as to not point out the dangers of chemically treating a child’s hair? Does it make us b*tches to mention it? I’m all about not having a crazy divide in the black community over hair. And I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. Lord knows I have habits that may not be good for me, but I can’t get down with treating perms as just a style.
I don’t understand why you need to relax a child’s hair. I look back and I wished that my mom never relaxed my hair, the burns on my scalp and the breakage, thining hair line just wasn’t worth it. I couldn’t have fun with my other friends (mostly non black) in many events because they were water related. I can imagine that your daughter if she ends up having bad experiences with relaxers will be feeling the the same way as I do. If she starts having problems with relaxing, just transition, it’s not worth it in the long run, you’ll end up with a miserable child or teenager with low self esteem.
Locking the hair would have been a much better alternative, less maintenance and you can comb it out if she’s old enough to decide what she wants (yes you will lose hair but nothing like a TWA–so not a huge loss)
Besides psychological issues, there is a huge unknown with the relaxers used by African Americans/Hispanics opposed to the “Brazilian Relaxers” used primarily by white women with curly hair which has now been shown as harmful. We don’t really know the full effects with relaxers, I can only find very little research papers on it. I would not feel “good” about putting something that can get into my skin/scalp which is porous and is not well researched by the scientific community. Its just not safe.
I don’t think that its fair, but at the same time I do. I used to get perms.
I got my first perm when I was in the third grade, and my hair is just like your daughters (thick and I am tender-headed). But at the same time I wish that I would have been able to say whether I wanted it or not or to wait a couple more years.
I’m 17 now and I am going natural. I haven’t had a perm for about 6 or 7 months.
And I also know where your coming from. My parents let me get a perm because it was easier on them and me. I wouldn’t cry every time I had to get my hair did and my parents didn’t have to hear me whine about it either.
“Tenderheaded” _ that’s code for not knowing how to comb coily, kinky, thick hair. Everyone is tenderheaded when your hair is being pulled, yanked and snatched with combs, brushes and hands. When will we stop abusing our hair and our daughters’ hair? Your daughter didn’t need a perm, she needed some patience.
The biggest thing I learned in going natural was to be gentle and patient with my hair. Make time for it and stop trying to rush the process. My hair has thanked me by getting much healthier. We need to treat our hair like fine silk and celebrate its unique beauty.
+1! Especially to the first paragraph.
I agree with your suggestion that the idea of being “tender-headed” really doesn’t exist. I was “tender-headed” as a child and as an adult while relaxed (when other people did my hair). Now that I implement gentle handling techniques, doing my hair was no longer painful. My mother attempted to go natural for a while, and once I helped her detangle her hair. She was AMAZED at how light my touch was.
Um, yes some people can be tendere headed. I have 3 daughters, do a lot of different peoples hair of all types and have been told by most that I have a very light tender touch. Yet my oldest daughter seemed to think I was torturing her when it was time to comb her hair. So yes, I do believe that even with a gentle touch, it can “hurt” or be uncomfortable to the person who is tender headed person 🙂
Disagree.
My daughter is 17 and STILL tenderheaded – even doing HER OWN HAIR! It’s doused with conditioner and slippery as possible, always in braids or twists(including while washing), but it’s also super thick with very tight, fine coils that like to tangle from root to tip even though it’s never left fully loose. It still hurts her and takes her half the day to detangle her hair even after gently finger detangling each section in the shower while soaked in conditioner.
Some moms DO put in the effort for their daughters’ hair and it can still be a long, difficult, painful, and frustrating process for both the mother and daughter.
While there are moms who do the yanking, pulling and dry brushing >_< (ouch!) there are many more who DO care for their daughters' hair and still have the same issues as the OP.
To MsKroberts and Ms.M: your points are well taken. Not to be presumptuous, but finger detangling directed at removing shed hairs and major knots/tangles, and eliminating the expectation that the person’s hair will ever be “thoroughly” detangled may help with the situations you described if you have not tried them already.
With all due respect, this is America, and we all have freedom to choose what’s best for our families and family situations. No one has the right to judge your decision, you have to do what’s most convenient for your family and lifestyle. As a mom of 3 daughters, it is a task to do hair. I myself am transitioning to natural after 24 years of being processed, and it is a time consuming endeavor. Not to mention that IT’S NOT IRREVERSIBLE!!!! At some point, if you find that it doesn’t work for you or her, you an always grow it out, she’s young. Here is the website to a product that a girlfriend of mine tried that helps to loosen the curl of your hair naturally. http://www.naturalaxer.com/ Do some due dilligence, see if it is something that fits your needs. Luv you girl!!! YOU ARE A GOOD MOM!!!!!!
I didn’t read anything natural about their product on their website from your link. In fact, they didn’t bother to list an ingredient list at all. They did list in the FAQ that it is permanent so I could be wrong but it sounds like a relaxer to me.
My mother did that to me at about the same age and my hair broke off and fell out. I went to a beautician and she told me that I should have waited until after i reached puberty before I got one because my body was still going through changes. But by the time I reached puberty I had learned to take good care of my natural hair because it did get hard on my mother to do it every week. ( She had two girls.)
I am sorry that you felt the pressure to relax your daughter’s hair by your mother. I have a friend who went through the same thing and to this day regrets ever listening to family members. I too have a daughter who is almost 5. Her hair texture is very kinky and has a lot of it. I have had to learn how to deal with this texture as mine is not the same. I can spend hours detangling after a wash, my arms ache like hell half way through the process but i wouldn’t want to change her hair for anything in this world. I tell her all the time she has beautiful hair and she believes it. You should see how she holds herself when she is sporting her afro! The last thing i want to do is chemically process her hair because it’s the last thing i did for myself, and in the 18 years i’ve been natural not once have i looked back.
I permed all three of my daughters hair prior to the age of 10 each. I REGRET IT SOOOO MUCH. They all had thick heads of beautiful nappy hair but me, being stuck on fitting in and growing tired of managing it I added the perm. Now I can grow hair, i’ve been permed and have always taken care of my own hair and retained lengthy healthy hair. However this was not the case for my kids. I am now growing their hair out natural. I started myjourney last october. with them being 11, 13 and 14 they find it hard to accept. But I refuse to let them put chemicals in their hair.
So, I”m not not saying you should feel bad. But I won’t feel better until they have healthy head fulls of natural hair!
in the grand scheme of things when it comes to raising children hair maintenance is a small part; small in the sense that it’s superficial. i dont think the writer of the post should feel guilty for doing what she did. its not like its an irreversible procedure. she did it/ she regrets it..as time goes on her daughter may not like it…she can continue to talk and work with her daughters hair until she and her daughter are comfortable.
no need to feel guilty.
speaking from experience and currently we’re all natural.
I have personally experienced this myself. My mother struggled with my hair as a child and I am very tenderhead! At the age of 3 my mother relaxed my hair so that styling and combing would be easier. Al her girlfriends told her to including my grandmother. Now 32 years later I have just recently gone natural and now I am firmly against kiddie relaxers. My son is 2 and I love his curls! I follow Teri LaFlesh method at wwww.tightlycurly.com and so far love the results for my son and myself. I agree with the other posts about locs. Much better alternative to putting harmful chemicals in a child’s head. Plus they are cute and low maintance! I also recommend maybe just keeping it short until the child is old enough to learn to care for her hair. But, since it is said and done, don’t beat yourself up. Life will go on, but please raise the child letting her know that natural hair can be managed, healthy, and beautiful.
Blessings!
I had my daughter’s hair relaxed last year when she was 11. I struggle with guilt sometimes, but I just make sure that her hair is properly conditioned, and she only gets retouches about every 6 months. So far, it’s going well. You did what you believed was best for your girl, like myself. It’s okay — she’s enjoying her hair. She has your example for natural hair, and chances are that she’ll follow afterwhile. If not, it’s still okay!
I have thick kinky coily hair myself & I don’t have any kids/daughters but I’m open to learning new techniques for myself and for my furture daughters before the times comes because I remember those hair days with my mom lol. Most of the naturals in my family have very thick coily hair so I know how much work it can be sometimes especially with little princesses.
My sister is planning on having another child (she has two boys and wants a girl so bad) so she watches such videos to hopefully draw in some ‘girl energy’ lol. Anyway she shared this video with me and maybe this lovely lady’s approach with her two daughters can teach you some new things & inspire you as it did me. All the best.
I don’t think it’s okay but what’s done is done. Personally I don’t think a relaxer is easier. In some instances it’s more difficult. The wind and rain don’t bother me the way did when I was relaxed. I don’t have to use a curling iron on flat iron anymore. And I don’t have to worry about the 6-8wk struggle. I remember the cycle of being so pleased with my fresh relaxer, only to be disappointed in those weeks leading up to the next relaxer, then being pleased again. I wouldn’t ever go back to that.
Mticqah,
I think that you should not feel guilty!! She is nine years but she needs to have her own journey.. SO you did the right thing at this time. She will eventually figure out for herself later. You are her role model and one day she will come to you wanting to be natural.
SO please, let her enjoy her relax hair, and have fun with the journey. It is just hair. As long as she is healthy and happy who cares.
I was natural until 16 , decided to relax because i wanted to know how it felt to be free of taking care of natural hair like everybody else. My mother was sad to see my waist long nappy hair damaged but she supported me.It was fun but relaxed hair was to high maintenance and fragile for me. Natural hair are more time consuming and i missed my cottony fluff. I transition 5 times in 10 years just because wearing braids is what i was used to as a child. I always gave in on relaxer because in 30 min you are kink free for few weeks. I am 3 years all natural now because I am 33 and ok with myself. I sometimes feel like I am 12 years old again and made fun of because I am natural but is all good because I had my own journey.:)!!!!I am sure your daughter will find herself and she is blessed to have you for support!!!
Peace and have a great day!!!
Amen…
I think the mother has to do what’s right for her. A lot of people can say, NEVER put a perm in a child’s hair, but chances are, they don’t have any kids. I just think that, like anything else, we need to cut the mom some slack. She is the one doing the hair, not us. And based on all of the posts we see on various blogs/forums from adults about the time (hours) it takes on wash day to detangle, wash and then blowdry/flat iron/press/style, I don’t know why everyone thinks that doing all of this on a child’s hair would not be more difficult than an adult. Not everyone has the time, nor the patience, nor the skills or the time (work).
Two daughters — THICK HAIR, waist length and MBL when stretched. And they are both tenderheaded. They have both asked for perms. One is 10 already reached puberty) and the other is 12 (in puberty, but no menstrual yet).
My husband and I go back and forth over this all the time because I want them to wait to get perms, he kinda agrees with me, but then he has his moments where we disagree about it … I basically told them that he doesn’t have a say until he does their hair and that hasn’t happened yet.
Doing their hair is a chore. Yes, I have learned more about hair. Yes, I have the right hair tools. But it is still a job, nonetheless. THey’ve both had some pretty traumatic experiences at the hair salon, unfortunately, because it often takes two people at a time to do their hair. They prefer that I do it, but I’m not the best at blowdyring/flat ironing.
In fact, I miss them having ponytails, because that was an EASY style for thick hair. To save my sanity, I let my oldest daughter style her own hair a year ago. I had to give up control and trust her. I’d prefer she do wash and gos, but she doesn’t like her hair curly and prefers a fluffy ponytail. I still do the youngest daughter’s hair, but she is very good at braiding and twisting. My oldest isn’t retaining the length as much, so I’m taking a more active role in her hair on weekends; my youngest, I’m letting her do her hair more now to prepare her.
Bottom line: Mom has to do what works for her and her family.
ITA! I love my natural hair and never intend to get a perm ever again, however, I understand that everyone has to do what works best for them. Also, there are many relaxed ladies on youtube and with hair blogs who provide information on maintaining relaxed hair. Additionally, if Mom later decides this was a bad decision, she can transition her back to natural hair. It is not the end of the world.
Interesting, I wonder, can a 10+ year old do their own hair?
Yes. With oversight and guidance fro an adult who cares that the child learns healthy haircare habits, a 10-year-old can learn to care for her own hair.
I went to a boarding school that at one time was spread out over two campuses. During grades K-3, I was blessed to have the bulk of my haircare handled by a person who knew how to wash, press, and style my hair without it suffering any ill effects. Since that is how my own mother also cared for my hair during those years, whenever I was at home, this worked out fine.
When I got to grade four, however, I was sent to the other campus, and I was suddenly expected to do my own hair. There was a woman, a housekeeper, who did some of the other black girls’ hair in cornrows, but for some reason unknown to me she never would do mine. My hair suffered in my attempts to learn to care for it, but I eventually learned, having no choice. Due to my being forced to learn how to do it anyway, I honestly believe that had anyone bothered to oversee my efforts and give me pointers to help me maintain the actual health of my hair, it would have fared better; but learning to do it wasn’t impossible.
Oops! Forgot to mention that I was nine at the time.
Maybe I’m in the minority but I do not do wash, blowdry, press and flat iron or any other prolonged routine. If I wouldn’t do it to myself then I sure wouldn’t do it to a young child who has less patience than I. Naturals with the simplest routines seem to have hair that thrives the most. I don’t believe extended routines with 50-11 steps are favoured among most naturals.
The main issue is the fact that there is a lack of education on how to care for natural hair. The deed is done and her hair is already relaxed. Keep it healthy and hope for the best. I have a five year old with very thick hair. I have made it a point to educate myself on how to manage her hair especially because she has a tender head and I do not. Detangling with conditioner in her hair and protective styling if you have difficulty braiding works wonders. She is happier for it. Another option could have been locking her hair. Maintenance that does not upset a tender head and her scalp with remain intact from the harsh chemicals or a relaxer.
There are many alternatives; you just have to educate yourself.
I have a 4 year old daughter with 4a/4b mid back length hair (shrinkage is a monster lol). I have to be really gentle with her even though I sometimes dread doing her hair because it takes so long. However, I LOVE her hair. Doing her hair is a weekend event. One day to take out her braids, then wash, and band it. The next day I braid it. She has so much hair that it takes a long time. So we just watch a movie while I take out her hair and while I braid it. You just have to learn your daughter’s hair so it will be manageable. Do not give in to peer pressure from family, even your mom. You know what is best. So now you just have to decide whether to transition her or to keep the relaxer. Also you have to deal with the emotional aspect because she may already have developed negative feelings toward her natural hair.
I am not a mother. I have four nieces though. The eldest two have really think hair and the younger two have fine brown hair. The eldest two are relaxed and the younger two are not. After years of relaxing my 3rd niece’s hair, she was almost bald. So her mother decided to stop relaxing. She’s usually braided up b/c she is a multi sport athlete. When she isn’t relaxed, I try to do her hair as much as possible so that no one gets too anxious about the kinks.
Hair is manageable with patience. I once gave into my mom’s pressure to relax my hair after 5 years of a fabulous afro. After the scalp issues resurfaced and my hair broke around the edge I BC again. So I understand about giving in to your mother. However, if you know that being natural is what is healthy; you definitely have a hard decision to make. If you decide to transition your daughter, you are going to have to resign yourself to be patient and learn some techniques to ease the tugging and pulling at the hair which makes the scalp sore and is basically what we call tenderheaded.
my only question is you didn’t really know how to manage her natural hair because although you are natural you have locs and its much less to deal with however, will you be able to manage her relaxed hair because you know nothing about that either??
Do your best to keep your daughters hair healthy and strong in whatever state you choose. Please don’t allow anyone else to make you feel guilty about YOUR choice…. including some on this page. No matter what others personal feelings are this appears to have afforded you and your child a less intense hair experience. My girls are natural and will probably remain that way until they are able to decide for themselves. However, I know that other mothers can and will decide what is best for them. As I stated above. The goal should be healthy hair but that includes a happy mother and child. Good luck
You did the right thing. I had the same exact scenario with my youngest daughter. I relaxed her hair when she was young. Now she’s a freshman in high school and STILL HAS A BEAUTIFUL HEAD OF HAIR. A relaxer doesn’t automatically mean scalp damage or breaking hair.
OK? Damn, a relaxer didn’t kill me and if I choose to put one in my little girls nappy head, then we’ll do so. Now that we have all of these wonderful hair care resources at our fingertips I don’t believe a relaxer should be deemed a black girls “worst enemy”. My little girl wants long straight hair like the girls that she see on TV, but she also wants locs like her ma. Whatever she wants to do is cool cause I feel we have enough knowledge about her hair to know what works and what doesn’t in order to maintain a healthy crown. Perm or not, as long as she loves herself through any transition, that’s all that matters to me.
Anyone who use the word “nappy” in the negative way that you have should perm their child’s hair because they have no respect for it’s natural state and G-d forbid a child has to grow up with a mother that doesn’t like her hair.
My daughter is 4 and I have a hard time even using a blowdryer on her hair, let alone any other heat source. And God forbid I try a relaxer at this age! But that’s just me.
Mticqah, I don’t know that I’d beat myself up, but I would examine the full situation. It seems that grandmother has a great influence on you and the care of your daughter. If that is the case, maybe sit down and discuss what YOU want for your child. As for your daughter, have you both discussed the beauty of natural hair? And how beautiful she is no matter what? And an earlier post discussed the carefree life of locs and TWAs…maybe some research on caring for and maintaining longer natural hair would be a good place to start. This way it’s not such an ordeal when it’s time to style your daughter’s hair.
I remember not being excited about getting my hair done as a child. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my hair, it was my mother’s attitude about my hair. She complained that it was thick and long and took forever to dry. She also complained that I broke her comb (she was ripping it through my strands). She made it seem like doing my hair was an inconvenience to her. I was told I was tender-headed as a child, but really my mother did not use proper combing techniques and she had no patience for doing my hair.
That’s why I was always sad when I got my hair done.
At least before I got a relaxer, after that I was sad because I had to sit in a salon for hours and have my scalp burned. then my mother complained about how much money I was costing her. *sigh* The only thing nice about the relaxer is that I only had to hear my mom’s complaints once every 6 weeks.
I am not a mother yet but I’m looking forward to being one in the future. I am especially looking forward to taking the time to care for and style my future daughter’s hair. Just thinking about it makes me excited and happy. With that said, I would never put a relaxer in my child’s hair (or let anyone else do so). If I deem relaxers unfit for personal use, why would I use it them on my child?
I too cannot wait to teach my daughter (if I have one) how to care for her hair. I wouldn’t take the “easy” route of relaxer just to “make everyone happy” and to “stop torturing” my child. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but the way it’s been put is really unfortunate and I don’t deem those as good enough reasons to put relaxer on her hair. I remember being very fussy as a child when getting my hair done, I wasn’t that tender headed but I didn’t understand why my hair had to be dealt with so forcefully (I still don’t and won’t be forceful). And at the risk of sounding silly, I would say that since she’s still young, I don’t see how she could possibly have that much kinky and thick hair just yet (by virtue of size of head). In the end though, I wouldn’t say you should beat yourself up about it, just make sure you did what you did for the right reasons, reasons that were good enough for YOU, then guilt wouldn’t be an issue. I hope at least you discuss with her the beauty of natural hair and her own beauty. All the best.
I have a 5 year old daughter and I usually cornrow it up into a puff. Last night she had to do a homework assignment where she had to draw a picture of herself and she drew her puff. It was so cute!
I maintain that perming a little girls hair is the worst thing you can do to your childs hair. And maintaining a perm can be just as taxing as natural hair (maybe more). This woman is really just blaming her mom and daughter for your own feelings. Its a shame when a natural woman throws a perm in her little girls hair. I expect this from uninformed women who despise their natural textures (yes they do exist) but women who are already natural should know better. How did you handle her hair? Maybe her hair needed different products than your hair since its a different texture. How often were you doing the braids? A good set of cornrows can last a month. Now the daughter is going to grow up with a love/hate relationship with her hair, running from rain, and only going swimming with one of those ugly swimming caps on her head. why didnt you just put twists in her hair every now and then to switch it up? Twists are always simpler than braids. Albeit they dont last as long but the take down and redo is much less work.
With this, I want us to consider that our generation (Im assuming most of the people on this board are between 20-40) is the first to really dissect the mechanics of Black hair and we’re making great strides. Other racial groups have had centuries/milleniums of practice. Black women before slavery/colonialization probably wore their hair very short and didnt give too cents about it. Hair politics is new and Lord knows it has not been easy. I salute everyone for doing the best that they can.
I don’t have any children, so my response may be discounted. However, I just feel it is never right to relax the hair of a child prior to puberty. It’s my belief that putting those chemicals on a pre-pubescent child whose hair probably has not set into its “permanent” state can be very detrimental in the long run to hair health. It may not always be the case, but my mom didn’t allow my sisters and I to get a relaxer until we were 13 years old and only twice a year then. I am so thankful for that as I watched my friends struggle with thinned hairlines and hair from getting relaxers pre-puberty and with a lot more frequency. I do wonder how frequently those who had relaxers prior to puberty struggle with regaining damaged/thinned hairlines versus those who have the same issue, but had relaxers after puberty. I know through the hair sites that many are able to restore thinned hair. So, again, just wondering whether there is any difference between the pre and post puberty relaxed.
All that being said, I am not disdainful of your choice. I can only imagine how difficult this was for you. But, as someone above said, I think that based upon your torn feelings and guilt, you have to make a choice about whether you want to continue to relax her hair, how frequently if you do or whether you want to give it up altogether. Whatever choice you make, you have to be okay with it or you’ll drive yourself crazy.
I find this post really bizarre putting harsh noxious chemicals on a child to make your life easier is unnecessary. I would feel guilty – relaxers are never mild as they contain a caustic chemical which like and acid burns. I have really thick coarse hair which was and is totally resistant to relaxer -they have been left on for hours and my hair would be straight for a week if that. My daughter is mixed race and you have never seen so much hair on one small child! When she was about 9 or 10 I finally got fed up of tangling with her hair and decided to teach her to take care of her hair herself – which she now does extremely well. This is also the age when I chose to do my own hair myself as my mother who had very long natural hair (mbl) never really understood how to do my much shorter and kinkier hair.
+1
This post needs a video. I would love to know exactly how you were combing your daughter’s hair. Nine years is quite young too – in my opinion because there is maintenance work that goes into a relaxer that I do not think a 9 year old can properly grasp.
I truly believe that ALL hair is manageable, you just have to find the right tools and be patient. I have no issues at all with people choosing to relax their hair because they want a different style but I do have issues when people say they do it because it is too difficult to manage their natural texture. This is a total myth that was born from using inappropriate tools on kinky hair. I think it is really sad that today with all the resources available, we continue to do this.
When I read this post, it really sounds like those old scientific papers from the 1920s describing ‘uncombable negroid hair’. Really sad because I can understand the novelty of kinky hair in 1920 but not in 2011.
Anyway, here is a set of helpful videos on how to take care of natural kids.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3Vlf6NrQb4
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYx3ETNc1iY
This! It seems that changing how handled the girl’s hair would be helpful. I wish there was more info about how she did her hair. I am also curious about why locs weren’t seen as an option.
As for the relaxer… I had my first when I was 10. My mother thought my hair and my sister’s hair was too thick and be dealing with on a daily basis. I can tell you right now that she was a perfectionist that wanted our hair to stay neatly braided, etc. and when it didn’t she’d redo the style and feel stressed about it. God bless her, but she wasn’t gentle and she treated perms like they were the best thing ever. She was all for my big chop, and it seems I’m teaching her a ton now about how to handle my hair. Wait until she hears about finger combing. Anyway, I truly think that if she had had good information and help with our hair, we would have stayed natural. It seems this mom is probably at the end of her rope and gave in to the voices that were loudest.
Should she feel guilty? I don’t know. I would and I’m sure my mother does. But what matters most is what she does now. Yes, she’ll have to deal with a transition, but continuing o put chemicals in a child’s hair is far worse than transitioning. Adults can do what they want, but a child deserves a chance to not have chemicals in their bodies for as long as possible, imo.
I say read up on proper care techniques and transition. Or go see a natural hair stylist. But please, don’t relax again.
I forgot to add that I’m a mom, but I have two boys. I grew up in a huge extended family that did hair, so I saw and helped with the hair care of my younger cousins. If I ever have a daughter I would aim to keep her hair natural. I’m pretty busy with two little boys, so I can only imagine how much more time would have to go into caring for my natural hair and that of my potential daughter, but even without knowing for sure, I think I would consider it worth it to help my daughter avoid the perm-madness I experienced.
+1…Yes, what’s done is done, but I hope she understands that her daughter’s hair — its texture and thickness — was never the problem. The problem was that she didn’t have enough information plus she couldn’t say no to her mother. Hopefully she does, and can, now.
Re tender-headedness: One of the many benefits of going natural and learning how to work with my hair was that I stopped being tender-headed. I now think that, with very few exceptions, tender-headedness is code for not having the right people/tools in your hair…
+1
Great videos!! I especially liked the first one.
Oh wow…..ok. I am a mother and my little girl is biracial (I’m black hubby is white) but her hair is fine with tons of curls. The back is kind of kinky but not enough for me, lol! Anyway while it is easy for me to say “ignore your family” sometimes you have to. It must feel terrible right now but you already made the decision for her. Right or wrong doesn’t matter now, what are you going to do about her hair? I think looking up a natural salon is a great idea and perhaps having a serious talk with your mom is also in order. There are some mixed messages going on with this situation but I think you’ll all be fine if you talk it out.good luck! = )
Not sure why you mentioned your child and husband’s race since this post is about a child with super thick hair who is apparently tenderheaded and your little girl isn’t.
Oh she is. She cries most of the time when I comb her hair if I’m not too careful. It tangles really bad but I learned from this site to do a pre poo on hers as well. Thanks for making me mention that! I can see how my original post offended or confused you. Have a good day.
Don’t beat yourself up, you did what you thought was best for you and your child. Nurture her relaxed hair so that it will remain healthy until you or her is ready to revert back to natural. My mom relaxed my hair when I was about 10 and my hair grew and I kept it healthy, so it’s not an impossible feat. Good luck
I am not going to judge you for relaxing your daughters hair. I don’t have a child of my own so I have no experience about taking care of a child’s hair. Did you ever try going on blogs and youtube videos that featured parents taking care of their child’s natural hair? I personally do feel like there could have been other ways of managing your daughters hair without relaxing it.
Also, I will forever remember the white father who was learning to take care of his adopted black daughters hair. I’m pretty sure your daughter and that mans adopted daughter don’t have the same hair, but I really LOVED the fact that he took charge in learning how to do her hair. I feel like as black people we can do the same. I just don’t feel like he have hair that we cannot adequately take care of.
Anyway, I hope that you are able to find great ways to manage her hair in the future 🙂
I agree with the above poster that having a twa and locs are different from growing the hair out the way you tried to do for your daughter, but I wonder why you didn’t just let the girl get locs? she wouldn’t be putting harsh chemicals on her hair, that can burn and be just as painful if not more so than braids, she’d look just like mommy, and if she ever chose to she could clip them and comb them out… I do think you should consider growing out the relaxer and locing your daughter’s hair if being a loose natural really isn’t working because relaxers are not the only alternative. But again this is just my opinion and i think that the fact that you are really struggling with the decision shows that you are not a bad mother and have your daughter’s best interests at heart, so good luck either way!
I agree with this…little girls with locs are super cute! If mom truly wanted to keep baby girl natural yet low manipulation, locs are the answer.
I’m hoping my nephew’s mom locs his hair soon…I braided his hair not to long ago and it was majorly difficult to handle (kept tangling back up) and he’s so tenderheaded I couldn’t even part his hair with the end of rattail comb without him squirming. It was heartbreaking doing his hair and I was as gentle as possible. I think he was in major need of a deep condition though and his mom should trim his ends.
I agree, locs would be a safe chemical -free alternative. Many people say that you shouldn’t loc a child’s hair unless they are old enough to make the decision for themselves, but I think locing is way better (and safer) than chemicals. My daughter has super thick hair, and would cry and scream whenever I would comb her hair. I finally decided that I didn’t want to have her associate pain and aggravation with her beautiful natural hair, so I decided to loc. Children should love what naturally grows out of their scalp and it is our job as parents to make that happen. If you choose not to loc then take time and be extra patient with your little one’s hair.
“torturing her grand baby?” “everyone is happy?”
this strikes me as so strange. can’t really put my finger on it.
what does what everyone else wants have to do with what you as a mother believe is right for your child?
i wonder whether the author has really looked hard at her feelings about natural hair. the thing about having locs and wearing a twa is that you don’t really have to deal with your hair and its texture on some level. i once had both styles.
for me, i didn’t truly confront or “deal” with my hair until i actually let it grow out. so, i’m thinking that maybe the author should look at her feelings about natural hair, as strange as that sounds.
if the author believed in her daughter being natural and wanted it to remain that way, she wouldn’t have caved. obviously, on some level, she wanted a relaxer for her daughter.
i also find that when others sometimes do natural hair, they are rough. when i was younger, my mother was rough. i recently went to a hairdresser (hadn’t been in years) for a haircut. she surmised i was “tender-headed.” i concluded she had no patience or respect or love for nappy hair – same with my mother. i don’t cry wince when i do my own hair. obviously something was wrong with what they were doing.
on the practical side, using products with greater slip, having patience and kindness when doing the hair, and basically just approaching it with the right intention/mentality probably helps.
i’m not a mother btw so take it with a grain of salt i guess.
c’est la vie.
I so agree with this. I bc’d and kept a twa for years, and absolutely loved it. No hassles, no problems, washing and styling was a breeze. I thought I truly loved having natural hair until, I actually started growing it and out went my carefree attitude.
It was only on handling my growing hair that I started to realise how much resentment I had towards it. And the longer it got the harder I found it to deal with.
I think everyone goes through their own journey with natural hair, but in my experience, the more free hair (i.e not loced or hidden under weaves or braids all year round) you have to deal with the more you have to confront all the hidden issues you have with your texture, and the sheer ignorance about what you hair wants and needs. In fact it’s taken me years to even grasp the concept of my hair wanting or needing anything!
Thank god, I’m past that stage, and me and my hair are all loved up for the most part, but my sympathy goes out to all those still dealing with these issues. It’s not always an easy path but it is a very valuable one.
wow, i know this is off topic, but what you said about the tender-headed thing really opened my eyes. all of my life i have been told that i am tender headed, even when i had a relaxer!!! when i would allow my hair to been styled by someone else, i always warned them: “i’m tender headed”. but i have never experienced any pain when doing my own hair, ever, even after one year natural..hmm…your statement just made me think about it, i allowed people to convince me of something that i knew from first hand experience was not true…dang
+1
That sucks that you had to go thru that, but I would not let guilt creep in, you thought you were doing what’s best. I’m a mom, but he’s only 15 months and a buy lol however, I have some experience having baby girl cousins with lots of thick hair. The few times I did it they acted a fool but they grew up with the oldest one doing their hair and they have waxed and waned from straight to curly. I think they kept it in braids and semi straight for the most part. Anyway, I would’ve suggested taking her to a natural stylist. The styles last long and the professional would have known how to handle her with great delicacy. In Chicago we even have a shop called Kiddie Kuts where they only do children’s hair. At this point you are paying a regular stylist upkeep anyway so this wouldn’tve been very far off from what you’re doing now.
So don’t beat yourself up, I’d have to fuss if she was 3 but she’s 9. As far as getting her to go back natural, you might have a problem now that she’s been exposed to the creamy crack 😉
sorry but i would beat myself up. the girl is very young and probably won’t take that stuff out of her hair until/unless it breaks off her hair, messes with her scalp, or she gets old enough to make her own decisions.
moreover, let’s remember it’s a full on chemical that is being used on a child’s head.
i tend to ignore my ignorant family members. they don’t really get a say in stuff.
She is obsessing over something that’s already done. I encourage Mticqah to figure out whether she is going to return the girl to a natural state or leave her as is. Either way make a decision Mticqah and stick with it because “beating yourself up” is counter-productive. Obviously, we’d hope Mticqah would give natural another chance but making decisions for your child isn’t the same as making them for yourself and I don’t know any un-opinionated 9 yr olds! Plus, now she would have to deal with a transition! Transitioning hair is very sensitive to breakage either way she is going to have to really ensure that she is keeping her scalp healthy so that it can strive through the perm or make it out the other side. She can’t just cut it off like you or I, I doubt the girl would want that and it’s cruel to cut off a little girl’s hair. Oh, and let’s not forget that the girl is happy with her current style. If you transition her you will really have to mentally prepare her so that she understands what is going on. I know one thing, I don’t envy your situation.
& I agree with Merry sometimes you have to ignore family members, Mama or not, because you have to make the right decisions for your family.
I’m with you. She should beat herself up, she made the wrong decision and is now looking for someone to say it’s OK. I would imagine that this ‘natural’ doesn’t know how to take care of her own hair, and that is why she did not know how to properly take care of her daughter’s. We always assume that natural means knowledge/experience, it does not. Sometimes natural means i’m struggling with the love/hate relationship with my hair (i went through it), sometimes it means i’m experiencing a serious learning curve (hence the love/hate), and sometimes it means i’m natural and i love and know how to properly take care of my hair. I’ll bet money that the author has not reached the final stage of acceptance yet. If she did, she would not have permed her child’s hair, blamed her decision on everyone else (her child and mother) and then come on the web and ask for validation. Sorry.
Oh, and for all the “I permed my child’s hair” people, how many times have naturals (on this site) blamed mothers like you for having the love/hate relationship with their natural hair to begin with? Something to think about.
I’m sorry (actually, no, I’m not), but this is extremely rude.
Her daughter is tender-headed, and I can tell you, since my brother is as well, the braiding, taking down and washing, then rebraiding is hell. He’s crying the entire time and telling our mom to just cut off his (a little past shoulder length) hair, since he hates the pain of having it rebraided.
Since the girl is happy now, what’s the problem? If she wants to go natural, she can do it in the future, when it’s her choice. For right now, though, let her be happy with her relaxed hair. At least she’s not hurting and depressed anymore.
Mticqah, I think you did the right thing. There’s no need for your daughter to be in that much pain if she can avoid it.
It’s not rude, it’s the truth. Do you think that her daughter or your brother are the only ones who are tender headed? The web is full of many examples of how to take care of tender heads. The point is that she made the wrong decision, knows it, and is now looking for validation. You want to give it to her than that’s fine, I’m not.
I think you’re ignoring the fact that the child was suffering just to validate your own beliefs of how people should treat their hair. From my understanding, this doesn’t seem like a situation of the mother/author hating her child’s hair and wanting it to be easier; she didn’t want her child to suffer.
God forbid a mother wants her daughter to not have a painful experience.
Like Lin said, if she wants to be natural later on in life when she may be able to handle her scalp herself, then that’s fantastic. But for right now, I think we should focus on the fact that she isn’t crying and depressed anymore.
I think the words ‘suffering’ and ‘depressed’ are a bit extreme for a haircare experience. If any of the women on this site described their salon experiences as naturals with the words ‘suffering’ and ‘depressed’, every one would tell them to run to another stylist.
Maybe the author detangled and braided in a way that was not suitable for this child. There’s always room to grow. Also, I wasn’t ‘tender-headed’ until I was relaxed though I’m sure there are others who really are. It just seems this phrase runs RAMPANT among Blacks and is unheard of among other groups.
I agree with you. I think people are being rude and militant. If the little girl is happy with her relaxed hair, let it be.
So… instead of cutting your brother’s hair, your mother makes him endure the pain of braiding?? I don’t get it. You seem to be on board with the idea of relaxers for tender-headed children, so does this same rule apply to your brother? It would be “the right thing” to relax his hair instead of getting a haircut?
Aside from your brother, I find it disturbing that Mticqah went against her own “desire” to keep her daughter’s hair in its natural state. I think I could better understand her reasoning if she just totally hated the texture and used the relaxer to rid her daughter of it, but this was not the case. Mticqah didn’t want to make time to research gentler hair care methods and she didn’t defend her “desire” against her mother’s nagging. She just copped out.
I agree with you 100%. She did not make the right decision. But at the same time, it makes no sense crying over spilled milk. She should have considered checking out this site and other hair blogs before she got her daughter’s hair relaxed. I was tender headed as a child when I had very kinky virgin hair. But now that I’ve gone back natural, I’ve learned more effective ways to take care of my hair (such as detangling ONLY when my hair is wet and loaded with conditioner) and there are no more tears.
I just recently went natural and hate the fact that my mom used to press and eventually relaxed my hair. I am tender headed and I have a very sensitive scalp. My hair is super thick with a combination of curls and waves. The relaxers aggravated my scalp over the years and I have thinned and gotten bad bald spots because of it. I am 33 years old now and was basically told by my derm to leave the relaxers alone, because my scalp could not take it. I am no longer suffering from alopecia. My bald spots grew back in and the hair is starting to thicken back up. I originally thought my problems were due to age, heredity, and hormones. I think overall that the choice is yours but I would not consider a relaxer until teenage years. Relaxers can really be bad over the years. I am natural for life!!!
I never would have thought this, but I agree with Aisha.
My daughter is 17 and I went through the exact same thing: ultra thick haired daughter who tripped out with every hair washing/stying. And it was always an all day ordeal with her hair never coming out how she would like because she wanted to be able to wear it out once in a while or at least have it in loose twists. But her hair would shrink up in *dry* weather no matter what was done to it. She got a relaxer at 11, then a few years later wanted to try out locs and I supporter her and helped her with them. After being locked for 2 years she wanted her hair loose again so we took them out. Now she’s old enough to do her own her and still dreads it for the amount of time and discomfort she experiences along with it never coming out how she would like. I would never berate her for trying to care for her hair in the best way that she sees fit.
Now I can’t say I really support getting relaxers for children under 10 because they may still have sensitive skin. But to me, after that they’ve seen and experienced their own natural hair enough to have an idea of how it is and can contribute to decisions that affect their own self image – which is EXTREMELY important. We do want out sons/daughters to accept themselves for who/how they are, but it doesn’t mean that they have to stick to a specific aesthetic or they’re self hating. That said, I would **NEVER** get a child(or anyone for that matter) a weave, extensions, or a wig. I have no problem helping someone to work with what they’ve got but I wouldn’t want them to get it twisted to the point of putting someone else’s hair on their head. But that’s just me.
Finally, hair is hair. It’s not a religion. Some people go a little nutso on the, “If you ‘BELIEVE’ in natural hair then you wouldn’t….” <_< I BELIEVE in GOD, hair is hair. Take a chill.