by
Black Girl With Long Hair
By Tyra of Indigenous Curls
When I big chopped I was a few months into a new relationship. For years I rocked waist long weaves, huge fluffy wigs, or braids, while my own hair was crying out for attention. I spent months researching, and planning how I would transition, what styles I would rock, and how to maintain the new style. I was ready to make a change, but scared of the possible results. One day, I came home, frustrated with life, I sat on the edge of my bed and took out my weave. “I need a change” I kept telling myself, as I unraveled each braid. 30 minutes later the weave was gone, but I was unsatisfied.
My hair was a dry, dull mess. I took a long look in the mirror, examining every strand. I loved how my 2 inches of new growth had so much life, kink and shine. But the rest of the hair strand looked limp and lifeless. Without another thought I chopped off all my relaxed ends and hopped in the shower. There I stood, with nothing to hide behind, no weave, no makeup, just me. Minutes later my boyfriend came over…….
“Oh Shit” he howled, as his eyes connected with my new do.
“You like it?!” I asked excitedly.
“What you ‘bout to do with IT?” he asked. His face had “concern” written all over it.
“Nothing…” My heart sank. Not the answer I was looking for….“I can rock some big beautiful earrings, and headbands—” he cut me off.
“No Weave?” he asked, as he took a seat, breathing deeply. “I have to get used to IT” he said, as his eyes bounced around my hair.
My feelings were hurt. He could have lied, and left my feelings in tact. Hindsight is 20/20, today I appreciate his honesty.
We had a group outing planed the following weekend, but he canceled, citing fatigue. I had a feeling it was my new do. As weeks passed I noticed a change in our dynamic. Once extremely affectionate, he began to become distant. He used to walk with his arm around me, post BC, he would barely hold my hand in public. I began to feel as if my hair wasn’t good enough. I noticed his eyes would travel to girls who still rocked their long weaves. Occasionally he would point out hairstyles on other girls he liked. They were all flat glossy weaves.
2 months after BC I began to develop a complex between his side comments, and the surprising reaction from my mother. I felt insecure, and started regretting my decision. I purchased a (hideous) full lace wig, and hid under that for 2 weeks. My boyfriend’s response: “You look like ‘You’ again!” He was excited, and immediately offered to go out on a date. I smiled and agreed, but I was boiling inside.
Did he only like me for my unauthentic appearance? Why was he only affectionate and romantic when I had an 18 inch weave? His true roots were starting to show and I didn’t like it one bit. Needless to say, we broke up, and I was happily single!
Time passed, and I was sitting on the edge on my bed, once again, in dire need of a change. I had been rocking braids 6 months post BC. I had also started dating someone new. His hair was locked, and he fully understood the needs of natural hair. He’d seen the beauty of my coils and complimented even the most shrunken wash & go’s. His family introduced me to natural hair products.
My hair (and love life) has been thriving ever since. He finds my 4C hair sexy and I love that.
My experience with dating and big chopping may or may not be unique. What was your experience? Was it well received? Do you attract a different type of person depending on your style? Ladies Weigh in!
Tyra is the author of Indigenous Curls.
192 Responses
I had the same experience. ..I chopped my hair off after a night of watching Beyonce’s visual album “Lemonade” lol. I’d been thinking about bc’ing , but had been reluctant to do so; it’s a scary thing you know? Us black women are so attached to our hair; I’d been wearing weaves and braids for so long, I’d stop relaxing my hair for a while, but my real hair was drastically unhealthy. I was one of those sad cases who got so wrapped up in my extensions that I totally neglected MY hair. I took better care of my extensions than the hair that was growing out of my own head, can you believe that? Anywho, after feeling liberated and inspired by Queen B (and a very bad installation of faux locs, my scalp was on fire) I got all rolwed up and said, “I’m cutting this crap off” . Me cutting my hair was much deeper than me just cutting my hair; I was cutting of the lies, the shame, the damage. Those extensions I’d been wearing for all those years mirrored something much deeper about me; I had all that pretty weave, but underneath layed something once beautiful that had been damaged and withered over time, much like myself. I asked myself, would I have been getting those weaves if that wasn’t what was expected of me? Every black girl I knew wore extensions, or relaxed their hair, but never just embraced their natural selves. Who had I been covering up for, and at what cost? I’d been through some things with men in my life, and I decided right there in that very moment that I was gonna start doing things that made me happy, even if that meant chopping off essentially ALL of my hair; I figured I better do it right then and there while I felt no fear. I stood in my bathroom mirror, chopping away at my hair, chopping away the woman who had been living to appease everyone BUT herself. They say when a woman cuts her hair, she’s about to change her life, and it felt GREAT. I felt so free of everything, and I didn’t care who had a thing to say about it, I did it because I wanted to do it. My man at the time was a cop, so we spent very little time together so I text him to let him know I cut my hair. He wanted pictures, but I was admittedly a tad self conscious because I hadn’t figured out my TWA yet and my hair was so dry, and I couldn’t get these curls together honey ?. So I sent him a picture of a TWA from Google to give him an idea of what was to come and all he said was “you cut your hair that short?” And in my mind I was like “yes I did mf, you got a problem?” Long story short, he an I are no longer, it’s not solely due to my new “do” but I did notice a change. And you know what, I could care less; does it bother me yes because I loved him. I know it sounds cliche but if a man can’t love me for exactly what I am, the door honey, exit stage left. And that goes for anyone and anything in my life, I am making major changes in my life right now, I moving with large momentum and there’s no holding me back. You’re either with me 100% or not at all, simple as that.
i’m 15 years old and did the big chop today and i need some advice and support. i’m kind of scared of going back to school (i go to an all girls school) and see people laugh at me since i shaved my hair fully. i really need help, i starting to regret my decision.
Many times when others make fun of people, it’s a reflection of their own insecurities. Be proud of your natural hair! I find that if I show confidence, even if at first it’s only on the outside, people begin to respect you. If they sense your regret or hesitation, then they often feel justified in picking on you.
Next advice, check out you tube. They’re lots of cute styles for all lengths of natural hair. Finding cute styles will also boost your confidence.
Good luck!
hi guys im really upset.. i
dont know why ive done this but after 17months of transitioning iv cut my hair! i feel so lost and unhappy.. i felt ready i thought i was.. i hated the damaged ends so why do i feel so unhappy ? i had damaged bleached hair n i planned to cut it out bit by bit n my journey was fine up until recently my hair had been so tangly i been getting so frustrated i thought if i cut a bit of ends it would help but it didnt at all i cut 4inches so i went back in with the scisors and cut more until i literally hacked my whole hair 🙁 its not even cut straight n it looks horrible. i
wanted to chop myself instead of going to a salon..
and i always knew it was coming but i never thought id feel this way.. iv literally shoved it up in a bun so i dont have to look
at it. its been 2hours n right now i cant tell u guys if my tangles will improve.. i hope so
now the bleach ends av gone. i see so many women that feel good after
doing bc so why do i feel so down.. i know its only hair but it was mine.. i plan
now to protective style n continue
to practice what ive learned. i just need a lil
inspiration right now as i dont know
how to embrace this.. it isnt helping that my friends and family are saying why have i cut your hair! 🙁 and i dont have a boyfriend but my boyfriend of 2years who i recently broke up with (2months ago) told me if i chopped my hair off hed say goodbye to me.. gues i knew then this bc was coming because i had mentioned to
him i wanted to cut my hair. it did make me wonder why he was with me after his reaction. hmm but yep maybe my confidence has been knoked and that is why i feel so bad now about my cut. i just know that i want to be loved regardless of the lenght of my hair it shouldnt matter.. but unfortunately
to some men it does. i hope to get past this and eventually accept it ????
Several years ago I got nearly all the hair on my head chopped off, it was shorter than my husband’s was at the time. He didn’t seem to care or have any reaction to it at all. Needless to say, I got a lot of positive attention from men that I saw on a daily basis. Before the BC, none of these men paid me the slightest bit of attention.
I’m having an issue, I just now started dating a very nice guy I met a couple months ago, a white guy. He knew that I wore wigs, the reason I wore wigs was because I just did not feel like doing my hair at all. I have thick curly hair. At times it’s very hard to manage, also in the area that I live in the weather is unpredictable so if it rains or if it’s humid m”y hair will puff up &its terrible lol.
He wanted to see my hair, he says while stroking my wig, “let me see your hair”
My eyes widen &I made a weird sound lol..
Once he left I took off the wig& took the braids down.
He skyped me & requested I show myself, the whole time I was like “noooo “. He laughed & said “OK, I’m coming over Saturday, I’ll. See it then”.
So I’m very anxious, it’s Thursday.. I’m just like ahh.. my hair is shoulder length, when curly it looks short (short hair does not fit my facial frame ).
Sooo. I’m terrified..
I don’t want him to become unattracted to me…. I’m afraid of his facial expression /response.. :/
@Kat – i completely understand where you’re coming from! My boyfriend is white and I’ve always had braids in my hair. That’s my ‘do’ – Braid! I’m a bit lazy so weaves just seem like too much work!
Anyway, after a few months of dating him, I took the braids out and had my hair straightened – and boy didn’t he love that! He loves how “free and fresh” I seem with my natural hair. It’s taken me about 3 years to embrace how I look without the braids or weave. If I didn’t have anything in my hair, it had to be straight so I could at least style it. Everyone at work looks at me and says they prefer me with long straight hair. SERIOUSLY?! I’m black. the hair from my head doesn’t just grow like that!!
So last year, I had my hair out for about a month. It broke so much as I was blow drying it straight every day!! I put the braids back in and left it like I usually do. Now this year, I decided to take the braids out and enjoy my natural hair – my fro. No heat, no straighteners, no relaxers to make it soft (yes, I always cheated by putting some relaxer). And for the 3rd time in my adult 20somehting life, I went to work with a fro. No cute little headbands – just a plain black one to hold the hair out of my face. I got one compliment from work. Everyone else echoed past feelings “we like you with the long hair.” Sorry guys, this is me now!!!
My boyfriend talked me into getting a long straight weave. I’ve always been against those – but I did it for him. I’ve only worn this weave once, and it cost me an arm and a leg, and guess what? He doesn’t like it anymore! I’m livid! I’m stuck with this weave I’ll never use again! If I can give you any advice on hair and boyfriends – DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY! If he loves you, he will love you whether you have braids, weave, short hair, a fro or no hair. There will be something he likes more than other things – but he needs to appreciate and love you for who you are: without the makeup and in your natural state. If he doesn’t – then do you really want to be with him?
I was married to my white husband for 7 years when I big chopped. After the initial shock wore off, he spent the next 2 weeks with his hands in my hair, amazed by my thick, soft kinky curls. He said later that he didn’t understand why I got relaxers when my real hair was so pretty. Truth is I didn’t remember what my real hair was like since my mom first relaxed it when I was only 7. The real issue many men seem to have with big chops is the short length, not the texture. Just be patient…mine is mid back length now. It never grew like this when it was being killed by chemicals.
I understand physical attraction is important in a relationship but I also know that confidence is as well.
I dated a guy who met me when my hair was short. My hair was also short several months later when he asked if I ever grow my hair out. He said he liked long hair. Thank goodness I’m older, smarter and wiser because I knew he liked something about me when he asked me out in the first place.
My ex loved to comment about my hair, but seemed offended when I asked him to get his cut shorter or told him he looked better with it short.
You either like me the way I am, or it will not work between us.
I had told my boyfriend that I was going to chop for months.. I had stopped getting a relaxer 10 months prior, so he was prepared. when I chopped it, I said “Bay, im going to get my hair cut” he was surpised at how show it was, said I looked like Maya angelou, lol.. it took him about a week or so to use to it but now he says he loves my curls.. But either way, I chopped for me. Not for him. He didn’t really have a choice but to like it or leave 🙂
My boyfriend says he likes my hair original (meaning as it grows out of my scalp). He hates weaves and wigs and laughs at my wigs when I wig it. But he supports me since its ”our” hair and our kids will definitely rock their hair how God made it. I am blessed to have a man like him, I know
In high school I decided to go ahead and be done with my dry permed hair and start a new beginning. Needless to say no guy my senior year took me to prom and my boyfriend decided he needed a girl with straight hair. After that I began dumping money into the weave industry. It wasn’t UNTILL college that I met a guy that I really liked after dating for six months he still hadn’t seen my real hair. Sadly I was afraid of loosing him. But the day came when I was out of weave and had taken my hair down and he suprised me by just showing up. I was almost in tears UNTILL he said he was happy to see that itchy crap off my head and that he wished his hair was as curly as mine. It’s been two years since then and I still wear weave from time to time but I don’t feel as if I need it. I’m happy to say he has helped me to love my natural hair and his. We are the perfect FROmaily
I total understand. My hubby did not like my hair at all after I did the BC. He will not say I look nice or anything. He just and don’t say a word about how I look. I was so hurt that he treated me that way. But he had to live with it or leave me. And I am to good of a woman for him to leave me. So has time went by, he got use to it. I have been natural for 20 months now. And I put on my wig at all time. No one will see what my hair look like till my 2 year anniversary. I LOVE MY HAIR AND NO ONE WILL CHANGE IT
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years now. We were great during the first year, but our relationship became abusive. I remembered that I was the one who first laid a hand on my boyfriend. Then, that’s when it all started. Every time we get into a fight, it frequently ends in violence. But later he becomes the aggressor. He’s the one who hits me first. I don’t hit back anymore, but this doesn’t seem to stop him. He ended up taking me to the hospital to get stitches in my head after he hit me. The hospital asked questions and I covered up for him, but the police didn’t believe me and arrested him. He said he’s going to a counseling program to get better. He still loves me and realized the horrible things he has done. He said he wants to get back together after the program. Is there a chance for him to get better? Should I go back to him? i thought about this for sometime and i eventually went back but my boyfriend never changed he still hit me beat me up until i meant a spell caster online i told him my problem he promised to help me and he actually did.Now my boyfriend is a totally different person he love me so much and in the past 6months i have been living with him he never hit me again. He does not even get upset again. THANKS TO LORD OGUN. CONTACT HIM TODAY FOR ANY PROBLEM YOU ARE FACING. DONT EVER GIVE UP ON YOUR LOVED ONES HELP THEM TO GET BETTER. OG***********@***IL.COM
Thank you! This is the most enriching article I could have found you are lovely 🙂 I had a new relationship recently, and I had hair extensions when i met him. I took them out, but my hair was already a bob to the middle of my neck, so he was still really happy. he commented all the time on how much he loved it. I’m sort of a hair maniac, I cut my own shit sometimes, and i also really like bobs to my cheekbone. I didn’t like the uneven way my hair had grown in the weave so i cut it. he hated it. then i said i was going to stop dying my hair blonde because it was getting damaged, and he said no i had to keep it blonde. between him hating the first haircut, trying to shape it as he said ‘it needed to be pointier’ (?) and bleaching it again against my own better judgement, all hair hell broke loose. the bleach burned inches off, the cut kept getting shorter, and now i have pretty damn short hair again. which pisses me off. and turned him off. he made comments all the time. i’m glad i broke up with him, now i can just rock my cute short sixites style hair, which i like just fine, and nurture it and let it grow at its own pace on my own time without anyone fucking with my my head. <3
Thank you so much for your story. I did the bc the weekend before Valentine’s day. While, I’m not presently dating, I was wondering how it may impact my dating life (i wondered this before the bc; i had been transitioning for 4 months). Since the bc, I feel so much more sexy, empowered, and strong. It’s like I’m seeing myself for the first time and I love it. I really appreciate your story. Rock on in much love and blessings.
Wow, typical black dude. How they forget that they have the same hair growing out of their own head. It’s no wonder many natural hair women end up with men that are every color but black. -_-
My ex hated when I wore weave or braids and preferred my fro. Too bad he’s a douchebag!
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/image-15.jpg[/img]
That is a shame! Who knew men could be so shallow? My sister is doing a big chop and I support her 100%, chck out the blog about it if you like ;D > http://mixedmeg.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/my-sisters-big-chop-hair-inspiration.html
I finally did my Big Chop a couple of days ago after transitioning for like 8 months. Due to the fact that my textures were so different I kept my hair in twist most of the time. I’m finding a new found confidence in my short hair. One thing that did get me was that the guy I’m dating said “you don’t like right. I’m still trying to get used to it”. Although he’s always known me with long hair, you would think he could be supportive. The funniest part is that before I even started the process he said he would be behind me 100% no matter what I chose to do. Oh well, guess ill have to go this road without him.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/image-23.jpg[/img]
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/image-24.jpg[/img]
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/image-25.jpg[/img]
Your style is really nice! You remind me of my cousin! 🙂
HELP! So I’ve always been natural but used to wear either straight hair or an afro when I first met my boyfriend (who i black) 3 years ago. He never really complained but never “liked” my hair as such. I also then wore a half wig for 2 years which some days he “liked” others not so. I have recently taken off my half wig to enjoy more creative natural hair styles rather than just straight or in an afro and every single one of my styles has been met with a disapproving look. As I recent recently reached BSL I’ve been experimenting with lovely defined braidouts, twistouts, high buns (really in fashion at the moment), low buns with gorgeous bantu knot curls at the front etc. My friends compliment my new dos, people on the street etc. but still my boyfriend does not seem convinced. I tried to show him my type 4 natural hair crushes with banging twist outs, nice updos etc. who I use as inspiration as I am on a journey to waist length hair and beyond and he replied with things like “the hair looks dull and lacks shine”, “there is nothing extraordinary about the style”. The only picture of a woman with type 4 kinky hair that he liked was of a model exposing her midriff to which he said “she can pull off natural hair because she is pretty”. I then showed him one of my hair crushes who had decided to straighten her hair and he said that she had a nice shine and “good hair”. When he looked on IG for hairstyles he liked, he showed me a picture of a girl with 3a-3b curls and said this looked nice and I should get my hair like that. I explained that it wasn’t possible and things ended up getting quite heated as his attitude and ignorance towards type 4 natural hair just disgusts me.
We have been together for 3 years so you can imagine how disheartening this is for me. I have explained numerous times that natural hair is about embracing who you are and can be just as beautiful but in a eurocentric he has effectively been brainwashed. What can I do?
I too am in a 3 yr relationship (dated for 2, married for 1) but he knew me in high school when my hair was relaxed, super shiny and long. He has always dated girls with long relaxed hair, possibly because his mom has super long relaxed hair. At the beginning of our relationship he was a bit weird acting towards my natural hair and asked me what happened to my “straight stuff”? After a while though he learned to love it; all the funky styles and ways that I accessoried the dos with my clothes. He still loves when I straighten my hair but because he loves me so much he can’t help but love whatever I do to my hair, catch my drift? I also think he didn’t have much of a choice because I absolutely did not care at all what he thought about my hair because I loved it; the culture of it, the meaning and freedom of being natural, the health of my hair, all of it.
My point is Ms. Diva, I’m more than sure you’re gorgeous with gooorgeous luscious curls so love them regardless of what he thinks, he will either fall in line or always prefer a different look on u. It’s not the end of the world I promise, couples stay married til death do us part disliking many superficial aspects of one another for the entire duration of their relationships but the love never faltered. As long as he is treating you well let him deal with his issues with your hair and you keep loving the heck out of it 😉
Love your hair and let go of the boyfriend approval. A lot of people don’t get it or want to about natural black hair.
If he loves you because of who you are then it will pass, don’t give up on your hair. He will learn to love your new look especially when every one around you compliment it. Just be the new original you and Keep the waist length coming… 🙂
Thanks for the words of encouragement ladies. Luckily I was brought up with positive affirmation so I am still strong in my convictions and believe that God loves me and I am beautiful no matter what is on top of my head. Ultimately he does love me for who I am as we have been together for so long I just really want to educate him bit by bit so he learns to appreciate his African queens not simply accept what society has force fed him.
There are so many oeople who need a reedication about black natural hair. They seem shick when it is in it’s natural state. I gwy loooks and syares esoecially form black women…sorry it’s TRUE!
True but he may never get it…keep doing you.?
I began transitioning last year after my birthday, needless to say I’m sorry things went wrong for you. My boyfriend is White and I am Dominican. My boyfriend loves my hair, he thinks natural hair is sexy lol! I’m planning to cut off the rest of the relaxer in March/April and he couldn’t be happier! I have 4a type hair growing in and I’m really grateful he appreciates my natural locks. Power to everyone doing the big chop or transitioning to natural. Weaves and perms don’t make us, we makes us:)And if a guy doesn’t appreciate us for being who we are, they all deserve the boot! I am very happy you found someone who appreciates you and your natural locks and you!
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/DSCN0249.JPG[/img]
I love this story because I actually decided to big chop out of annoyance with my boyfriend. When I met him I had 18 inches of human blend (yes blend) weave in my hair, but you could not tell me that I was not the stuff. I could get that hair to blend with my hair like nobody’s business. When he met me he and his friends thought that it was my real hair which I promptly told them it wasn’t. Fast forward, I had been toying with the idea of going back natural and was struggling with the two textures. I told him that I was considering doing a big chop because it was about time for me to do a touch-up and I knew that I was either going to chop it off or relax it because I was tired of the wash-n-go to get my hair to blend (my hair still curled up when water hit it when relaxed). However, he told me that he HATED short hair on girls and it was not attractive even though his mom kept a cropped blonde cut (pre-Amber Rose) and she was the bomb.com and beyond fabulous in my eyes.
However, on one fateful day he decided to ignore me and all my texts all day. I was pissed. So I was on the phone that evening with one of my guy friends who basically egged me on in my big chop conquest. He told me that if my bf broke up with me then he’d take me out on dates. That was all the encouragement I needed and I chopped off my Ceily braids in my mom’s room in the mirror. It was liberating, exciting, and terrifying all at once. I immediately washed my hair and sent pictures to my friend Kevin, who was the best! I was not able to show my bf until late afternoon the next day when he finally responded to me. I just showed up short hair, he stared at me, started laughing and said, “little boy you cut yo hair off!” It was endearing and as much as he promised he hated it he would always rubs my head and play with my curls as we watched tv. His mom was the biggest fan, she introduced me to professional color and my life has not been the same since.
he sounds very immature equating short hair to masculinity, Halle Berry doesn’t look at all Masculine yet she has short hair, some guys need to grow up 🙂
Hilz, not all white men are that way. Mine is white also, and I had braced myself for him to not like my hair at all and in turn not like me anymore either. Was I ever surprised when I came home with the ultra short afro and he loved it. He loved the fact that I would let him touch my hair now instead of like before with the weaves and perms. I’ve been a natural for over a year and my hair has grown tremendously now that I take care of it. Like the article, make sure he’s really loving you for you and not for a look. Sometimes it’s better to walk away, then to ignore that he is degrading your beauty because it doesn’t fit his idea of it.
Kim, You are right, Sometimes it’s better to walk away, than to ignore that he is degrading your beauty because it doesn’t fit his idea of it. but Afro hair if not taken care of can look a mess. I don’t say every white man is like that, I seriously don’t blame him for not liking how I look with my natural hair because I sometimes don’t take care of it. I sometimes stay a week with half plaited hair that looks incomplete. Any man would feel off.. Days after he spoke to me, a few other people mentioned my hair not being the same so He is actually not the only one who is wondering why I don’t take care of my hair anymore. I think I should apologies for yelling at him because of my hair, he was just trying to help me and I was just being IGNORANT..
Thanks
My boyfriend didn’t like it at all(still don’t know if he likes it) He is white.. But I ignore his hurtful comments most of the time. He once said he doesn’t like my hair, but I think he came to realize how much he hurt my feelings that day. He now wants to learn how to work with my hair. I don’t blame him that much, I haven’t been taking care of my hair that much. I now have a regime and products I need, but I am just lazy to plait it..
My husband did me the same way after I did my BC. I transistioned for 11 months before. He was not feeling the short hair. 1 year post BC he just got used to it.
It would have been cool if he’d supported, but let’s be real: She began the relationship under false pretenses and then was mad that what she originally portrayed herself as he wanted? It was good she let him go–now they both are free to pursue what they wanted AFTER “the change”.
You’re comment is beyond harsh. When men get a texturizer do we call them out. When white women curl their hair for hours or do extreme blow outs do we consider them misrepresenting themselves. Black people why do we insist on treating each other with such disrespect. Asians can flat iron their hair and nobody calls them on it. Our hair is versatile. Our skin comes in 45 different colors so why should our hair be only in its supposed natural state. Your hair didn’t come naturally with olive oil on it but we add it. Let’s accept each other no matter how we wear our hair we do not all get to the same place at the same time.
I just couldn’t agree more..its like wearing heels, getting taller then say its misrepresentation. ..what?!
I will use my life examples to try to explain: I love adventure, change and evolving. I love growning in skills and personality. When I met, my now ex-husband, I had just changed from a one year protective style of braids to a relaxer. I was on three different board of directorships in addition to my job and church activities. Having such an intense relationship gave me little time for hair creativity. So, I kept it simple, long, straight and boring. Yet that was what he felt was beautiful. My sister even asked me, “What is he going to do when you dye your hair red and wear twistouts?” We did not break up because of my hair. We broke up because he mistaken my then success, for a status quo personality. If I had been more of myself with my hair, in our dating life, then that part of me would have shown itself in my evolving hairstyles.
So, to sum it up, she out grew him.
I agree we do look different with different hair. He didn’t like the after he saw… I met my husband who’s is White wearing braids. …..I let him see asap what “my hair” looked like….when he said he was interested I said I have to show you my hair first..he liked it and he has seen my hair in all kinds of states and we started off by him seeing real me…
Wigs and weave are like dentures. .you’re still you but you look a whole hell of a lot different with them out
That was one thing I was worried about with my boyfriend too! Luckily I met him with my afro out and he actually hates when I get the long braids and twists which makes me feel pretty damn good lol
I AM Jennifer from Canada i was propose to be marriage by a love one, but he suddenly changed his mind just because he found himself a new love, my heart was broken and so i was devastated to the extend of committing suicide a friend of my introduce me to a powerful doctor called DR.AKHERE when i first head of him i never believed his powers until i visit the De akhere spiritual temple of the great prophetic man DR.DR. AKHERE, a man of wisdom and understanding he helped me out after having some conservation with him, and my ex love who promise to marry me later came back to apologize to me, today we are happily married with two lovely kinds. All thanks go to doctor DR. AKHERE the powerful spell caster, if you need any help from him contact him with this email dr*********************@***il.com, he is very powerful beware. DR. AKHERE is a great man I love him is a man of prophetic word once again contact him at dr*********************@***il.com
This was such a beautiful story!!! I had a very similar thing happen. I had long relaxed hair and after a bad experience with senegalese twists, I chopped off my relaxed hair. I had transitioned for 9 months but it was a huge difference. The guy I was dating at the time hated it and cheated on me and left me for a girl with long straight hair. However, now I’m with a guy who loves my natural hair even more than my relaxed. He embraces it and makes me feel beautiful. Even better, he loves me regardless of how my hair is!! It’s a beautiful thing.
I like how one guy does you wrong but another guy comes along and makes you feel like the all-eyes-on me lady. It makes you believe that not all guys are the same and that one guy can make a difference. There is always somebody for everybody, They are out there but you just have to find it.
That is a real man who loves a woman regardless of how her hair is a real man’s love shouldn’t be based on whether they are done up all the time or not 🙂 Glad you found true love wish you all the best in your relationship and I will pray for you 🙂
I had a similar reaction from I guy I’d fallen for. That insecurity you develop is REAL! Strong women always say NEVER to base your self esteem or self worth on a guy but when he has your heart he can still take a toll on it. I’ve been natural since before we met but I always wore it in braids; once I wore it as a wash n go or blown out, even two strands he would refer to it as “that sh*t”. Needless to say 2.5 years later I am HAPPILY married to a man who can’t wait to take me and my crown out to shine. He can’t keep his hands out of my hair and loves all of what natural hair represents. Most of all he loves ME! ?
Good for you. He deserves you and you deserve his respect and affection.
Thank you!
I am proud to say that when I BCed after a bad weave experience my boyfriend (of almost four years) was extremely excited and supportive. He says that he loves being able to run his fingers through my textured hair and playing with my coils, and I definitely love the feeling. I was so scared that he wasn’t going to like my haircut but I was pleasantly surprised by his reaction. I’ve been natural a little over a month now (yeah I’m still a newbie) and I’m never looking back!!
I love this post(for the ending!) I BC’d last May 2012(my Mother’s day gift to myself)I had been researching natural hair for a while and one morning woke up and just started cutting. I rocked my TWA but was nervous what my husband would say when he saw it(he was deployed, so we used skype)I hid my hair for 2 weeks and finally he said, why are you hiding? I said I cut my hair off, when he saw it, he loved it! I was surprised that he complimented me right away, he did like my permed long hair, but he loves my natural hair 1.4 years in.
The thing with men that women don’t want to hear, is that they are stupid. They are very visual. You can have no brain but look good and have a million dates lined up. I big chopped several times and I actually get more attention when I BC. Your ex man was in a trance from the weave. It didn’t matter if it wasn’t your hair, he just wanted the visual illusion of hair. On another note ladies, consider your head shape before you BC. Most people don’t tell you this but its true. I would grow out a couple of inches of hair and wear a TWA to see what my head shape is like. Just advice from a natural veteran who BC’s frequently.
So sorry you had this experience. I think that we all have to realize that we all have preferences whether its tall, short, muscular, fat, bush, clean cut, employed, etc…. Whether we reveal this or not. I believe that we need to explore preferences or taste when dating or choosing a mate. Its better that you found out who/what before you made a long term commitment. As for me, I’m married to a man who prefers natural women, little/no make-up, hates weave, loves full/long hair, prefers thick women. Now do I think he’s shallow, mean, insensitive? No because I learned this coming in. I decided 1 year ago to go natural and chose to transition instead of big chopping because I wasnt sure if I’d like it or was up to the challenges and because I already know who I married and what he likes. Now he had been fully supportive and loves my natural hair. I’d like to think that and he has said that he’d support me if I chopped but I chose to keep transitioning. Thank God for good men! Proud of you for moving on and finding someone who can appreciate your natural beauty.
When I was contemplating whether to go natural or not, I was seeing someone who thought I would look weird. By the time I was ready to transition, we’d broken up (just a month after my last relaxer actually) and we haven’t had a conversation about my hair since.
Around the time I did my BC, I met someone new who had locs and seriously digged natural hair. It was very encouraging to me at the time. Now, I’m with someone else and the hair doesn’t make any difference to him.
We don’t need anyone in our lives that thinks our hair is unappealing or not meant for the public. Glad you left him!
Before I big chopped, I had a few conversations with my then boyfriend about how my hair will no longer be long and straight– either I was going from relaxed to sisterlocked, or would cut off my hair. I didn’t ask. I told him and said that if it wasn’t something he could handle, then I wasn’t the one. He actually thought I was the one making a big deal out of it– that he didn’t care. I just wanted to be sure, ya know? Especially since I know that his family isn’t too keen on dreadlocks in general and that was in the future for my natural hair journey.
Well, that same boyfriend is now my husband of nearly 2 years and he can school you on natural hair care and products, lol. He’s learned so much.
Bottom line… glad you kicked the first boyfriend to the curb. If he can’t appreciate the natural you, then he doesn’t deserve you. (whether that be natural hair, or no make-up, etc.) 🙂
This is a very interesting post. I didn’t do the BC, but transitioned instead. I met my boyfriend during my transition and I was wearing 18″ of weave at the time. It was pretty, long and it fit me. Once I was fully natural, it took me almost half a year to feel comfortable wearing my natural hair- I thought I would look ugly and he would get turned off.
My boyfriend pushed me to take the weave out and rock my hair in its natural state. He admitted how tiring it is as black man to see black women wearing long weave and not embracing our natural hair. They believe our natural hair is what makes us different from everyone else and it’s what really turns their heads- she’s real. He thinks natural hair is sexy and admitted my long weave made me look exactly like the next chick (YIKES!!), but I needed to hear that. Now I feel free, different and no longer worry about what others think of me- including him :). Wearing my natural hair gave me more confidence than ever before. When I’m out, I find myself fascinated with how other black woman style their natural hair. Whether type 3 or 4 hair….we really do look beautiful and interesting. I take pride in it all and I now understand where he’s coming from.
I value and appreciate my boyfriend for pushing me to embrace my natural state, but I should have found that within myself first- that’s the take-a-way for me. I commend the writer for walking away from the relationship. If our partner makes us feel uncomfortable in our own skin, he’s no good, however, it should start with us being okay with who we are and what we were born with.
To clarify, I don’t think weave is bad thing. We still need it for protective styles and I agree with the lady above, natural is not for everybody. At the end of the day, do what makes you feel good 🙂
It’s kinda our fault that weave is the preferred choice with our men. I remember when weave first came out and they didn’t really care for it preferring our natural tresses, because it didn’t look real and they couldn’t touch it especially during the throes of love making. Martin Lawrence on Martin would always tease Pam about her hair and say, “It’s just unbe-weavable”. Wigs was definately a no-no especially since they were worn by the old church mothers on Sunday mornings donning a big church hat. Now here it is 20 years later when the stiff fake hair has evolved into styles like Vivica Fox’s, Tara Banks’, Beyonce’s, Keisha Cole’s, Rihanna’s, etc., we want to take away the “Norm” and go back to being afrocentric, surprised by the negative reaction from some of our men. Some of which weren’t born before the weave generation. However I applaud anyone willing to make a lifestyle change towards their cultural heritage and get back to their long lost “roots”, no pun intended. With that being said, I’ve actually been natural for about four years but I didn’t completely embrace my (inward) naturalness until this year. Right now I’m in between relationships which is a good thing so the man that God gives me will already be prepared upfront about my naturalness. Lastly, I do wear wigs styled to mimic my natural hair every other month to give me and my hair rest. Since I have 4c hair very fine in density, I do not wear braids.
A video with male opinions on natural hair and dating.
Though I can relate to some of the negative feedback from my hair being natural, I have the most supportive boyfriend ever. When we met, I had a weave. He highly encouraged me to take it out. He hates weave, makeup, artificial nails, lashes, the whole shabang!! LOL He always tells me that I am my most beautiful waking in the morning or just sitting around the house with no makeup and my natural hair. So there are some men out there that want that woman just like God made her in all her natural beauty no additives.
I transitioned from a Mohawk that was relaxed. I waited from my sides to grow out to an inch or so & cut out all the relaxer. I received such positive feedback (except from the old relaxer crazy generation) but its been all love from men & females. Remember ladies that natural it not for everyone & some ppl will love it & others will hate. Be true to you & love yourself for who you are or you are become/want to become !
-I have this problem! People tell me ‘I need to do somethin’ with my hair’.’Yeah,I can part it to the side and stick a flower in it,now go away’
-It is difficult transitioning,especially in a non-natural friendly city (I live in Philadelphia,pa).Now,I made the chop when I was a teenager and I had never been so happy in my life!(despite people talkin’ shit,but whatever)I have the hair I us to have as child,hair that (when pressed out) comes about to my chest.What I learned is that we were made this way for a reason.So when somebody says somethin’ to me about my hair I say ‘my hair is fine,unless God made a mistake…you accusin’ God of messin’ up?’ and that usually shuts people up.Evolution chose us to look this way,chose us to be the beautiful people that we are.Beauty transcends race .Understand that going natural means accepting your true self (don’t mean never do anything with your hair.I love my hair rollers,but then again,nobody,not even white people can grow the stuff you do with the rollers).And when you can look at yourself in the mirror and smile,it’s a form of happiness and freedom that’s indescribable
dj
hey dnixon. i’m sorry that you’ve run into people in philly who give you grief, but please not say that is the norm here……i’m a philly girl as well. i went back to natural 21 years ago, got a lot of flack from a lot of people at first, but, i stuck with it and over the years, the same people that criticized my hair choice, began to ask for my help when they were beginning their natural hair journey! so now, i’m surrounded by many in philly who have embraced natural – LOVE IT!!!!
Thank you for this post, makes me appreciate my boyfriend more.
I have been natural all my life.
But i keep cutting my hair really short (which my boyfriend hates)
When i decided i wanted to changed i spoke about having a weave or straightening my hair, which my boyfriend And i hade a discussion about.
He loves me for me And the natural me. He actually hates weaves And straight. He always tells his female relatives And Posts on Facebook how woman should be Natural.
Finally im now growing my hair And its longer than shoulder length.
I feel beautiful And my boyfriend And i are happy.
wow…it makes me feel sad that there are still people out there who are so shallow. if a man only likes you because of your hair what would happened if it dropped out, never mind if you have a weave and decide to stop wearing it? do YOU…whatever you do. just as bad as the man who told me I was too dark for him. it hurt but it’s all the same. whoever wants you will want you for you, whatever kind of hair your have/don’t have/buy/throw away/cut off and whether you are light/dark/in between/both or either.
happy2Bnappy
nappychique
My ex boyfriend loved my natural hair. He claimed it was his favorite trait about me especially since most of his exes wore weaves and he was never allowed to touch it…his favorite style was me wearing in a big poofy ponytail and he would gaze in awe how i would spend hours every sunday pre pooing and deep conditioning it…nonetheless the relationship didn’t last but at least there are guys out there that appreciate natural hair and what having a healthy head of it requires..love this post!
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/IMG_20130522_162418.jpg[/img]
If there were a Weaves Anonymous, I would’ve been sitting in the front row! I would have never in a million years thought I would return natural lol. My boyfriend and I had been together only 3 months when I decided to b/c (keeping in mind he’s only seen me in weave). I was actually taking out a weave and my hair was soooo tangled, I was frustrated and I had enough, it was time for this hair to go! I told my boyfriend, “Call up your friends [who own a natural hair salon] so they can cut my hair!” He drove me to the salon and held my hand as they cut off my shoulder length hair lol. At first I was extremely insecure, but he reassured me everyday that I was beautiful.As I learned my hair, I began to love it! Having a supportive BF who appreciates every kink and coil and loves your hair as much as you do is amazing! Over a year later, we are still going strong! This was the best decision I’ve ever made!
I don’t know if this is the difference in white men and black men, but I’ve been with a white guy for four years, and he doesn’t really care what I do with my hair. true, I’ve never BC, but I went from always wearing it straight to going natural, and he compliments me however I wear my hair. My hair has mostly always been long, but when I got a cut a few years back, he still liked it. I think black men are taught more to care about superficial things like hair, makeup, beauty in general. its really sad.
Not true. Why do you think so many white women have eating disorders? Most of them may not care about hair, but like all other men they care about how women look.
Where are all of these white women who wear weaves, get botox injections and have eating disorders? I have never met any! It seems like to me, black and white men have had negative comments about natural hair, and an equal amount are indifferent/compliment it. It’s just more shoking when a black man does. The black and white men who have these negative reactions ot natural hair are not the types I would want to be with anyway. Ignorant, and far to superficial to me.
What is your point? I have never heard white men make in your face derogatory comments about overweight white women. I cannot not say the same about black men and natural hair. Eating disorders are mental illnesses and most women with it want to control how they look not men. And white people in general have higher rates of mental illnessess, including suicide rates.
I think black men having negative reations to a women’s natural hair is just revealing the mans deep-seeded ignorance and lack of cognitive ability. It is shameful and pathetic. Any man who does this is a jerk. I agree that black people tend to be way too concerned about superficial things like appearance.
I am currently with a white man and he is the ONLY one that has accepted my hair whether I flat iron it straight or wear it curly. He thinks it is beautiful when it is an out of control bush! LOL! When I dated black men it was always a preference. Some wanted me to wear it curly because it will curl. Most preferred it straight because it is mid back length and they can run their fingers through it although they tended to be the ones to say it is nappy when I wash and go. It’s nice being able to change my hair up and not hear negative comments.
I’m sorry but i don’t think there is a difference between black men and white men liking hair then again i don’t believe that the average white guy loves afro hair more than the average black man, I’m have been natural for some time now and i’m attending a mainly white school and i have had a lot of white men snigger and laugh at me right in front of my face because of my hair texture (4C) just because its different and they would never do this when my hair is relaxed so why now?
I’m finding hard to believe that people who are raised around white women (who have strait hair) and see continuous ads of white “beauty” in the media and on tv everyday are going to have the same respect for Black hair/ Afro hair. Just like black men are taught to like weave and relaxers over natural hair by their own people. (Just being realistic) then again everybody’s life experiences are different.
I have been married for 25 years and majority of that my hair was relaxed. In 2002 I stopped and transitioned by wearing braid extensions and then two strand twists with weave added for thickness instead of length. My husband was not feeling it but he just watched and waited. I started flat ironing and then shedding. In August of 2012 I stopped that and in November I flat ironed for a special event and my hair had grown 6 inches. He loves it now. Time and you own love for your hair usually will win them over. Stay true to yourself, you will never go wrong!!
My husband was probably the ONLY person who supported me after my BC. Prior to the BC, we had been together for 8 years. My hair was permed and bsl for out entire relationship. He loves long hair, so it took a little getting used to seeing me practically bald. But he was supportive, and I really appreciated that since no one else was. He has locs, so he wasn’t shocked about the texture. I think if someone really loves you, what your hair looks like shouldn’t really matter.
I have a husband, two sons, numerous males cousins and 5 nephews. I am also an educator. I am around males 24/7. Truthfully we have a long way to go as far as self acceptance, black love and consciousness. Many men will say that they love natural hair, little or no make-up, blah, blah, blah, but they are saying what they think women want to hear or perhaps what they actually know in their hearts they should admire because it is what grows out of their, their parents, and siblings head, but they are conflicted because if your hair is not naturally straight and past shoulder length then they prefer a weave to your natural kinky hair. In reality they think true beauty is what the overwhelming wealthy businessmen, celebrities and sports figures date and marry. If you have someone that really truly loves your hair natural, especially 4b and 4c sisters, than you are very fortunate but from the private conversations that I’m privy to these men (Black men anyway) are few and far between.
@I’malearning…so TRUE! I already know what you are saying……they say they like natural hair but don’t or few black men do. #fewunderstand
“from the private conversations that I’m privy to these men (Black men anyway) are few and far between.”
not surprised. they’ll live.
I’m the type that doesn’t care if men are “visual” lol because I just do or wear what I like. If I feel like being fat, I do, if I feel like being thin, I do that. I learned a long time ago that we are all going to age, so if he doesn’t want you after you go fat or wrinkly then he’s an idiot and missing out. Because we all change and age. If I feel like shaving my head bald, I will. There was a time when I was a little more sub-conscious but not anymore.
But the reality is, I was never one to care what men or other women thought. I have style in my own mind. My feelings were hurt a few times, but the good thing is when you are raised to be a mentally healthy person about your hair, then you bounce back like the writer of this story did. Just having a good male role model in your life can help. I was raised by hippy types so I guess I never cared what losers thought. If a guys not treating you like a Queen then don’t bother. That goes for ANY race of women.
I did not big chop. My partner and I got back together after I went natural. In our previous relationship I wore my hair pressed or in a weave. Almost two years into “us” with me being natural still I get request for straightening on special occasions like our anniversary. I don’t see anything wrong with straightening your hair every now and again but I can put my hair in a special style in its natural state. So I usually deny the requests. My partner HATED my marley twist, because they were “too big” and constantly referred to them as “them things”. ???? One thing positive I can say bout my relationship and my natural hair is the pride in my length. My partner is obsessed with how my hair has grown. Loves it when I wear my hair down, in a stretched twist out. Again a request I don’t grant often because of breakage. It makes me happy that someone else is happy about my new natural hair growth. Since my partner is locked we both have hair length goals and we discuss products/techniques to help us achieve them. Over all I think it’s brought us closer because I know my partner loves me regardless of how I wear my hair.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/image-22.jpg[/img]
That is so cool, great pic!
Sorry but I hate when our beautiful sisters refer to what other races are doing.. But let me make this clear, Asian men are extremely hard on their wives for appearance and yes they most certainly must get PERMISSION before cutting their hair, their mothers are also hard, I have a circle of friends who are Asian and a few Indian friends who experience the same… Sometimes if you haven’t been exposed to any other culture, you assume your race is the worst. Finally all men not just black men are visual people, I talked to my husband when I transitioned, just like he talked to me when he decided to shave his head, that’s what married people do.. I’m assuming if you aren’t married you don’t understand this concept.
Finally so glad this young lady found a man who appreciated her and her beautiful hair.
I have always said that I could never be an Asian woman, married to an Asian man. Not that I think it’s bad to be Asian, just saying the culture is very hard on women, this I know. That’s why I mentioned that when you grow up in a household like I did, where my dad who is white was married to my mom she could do pretty much anything with her appearance without asking. He’d give her his opinion, but she’d SOMETIMES change it if he didn’t like it, but it was no big deal if she didn’t and usually hair was not a big deal in our house, and he certainly wouldn’t treat my mom different or be ashamed to be with her because her hairstyle was natural, or even because she had a sucky hair cut. He knew what he was getting into when he choose a sista.And he knew what her REAL hair looked like. Yes I’m married but like I said, I’m extremely picky and don’t go for men talking to me like garbage or dictating what I do. I just don’t like men who mistreat women. Telling a women you prefer her hair one way is different than emotionally abusing that woman.
I’m talking about men who act literally ASHAMED to be with a natural woman because it’s not acceptable to see “nappy” hair. Or it looks ghetto to them. Some do still think like that. When why should she be ashamed of her natural appearance? A Chinese woman getting a bad hair cut is far different from a black woman being proud to expose her authentic beauty. You don’t see Asian women walking around with Afro wigs usually. However, I’ve heard that Asian people love our hair, And most don’t understand why we wear weaves and cover it up? I have a few Asian friends and they are fascinated with my hair. lol
Let’s face it “straight hair” is acceptable, whereas natural hair on a wide scale is not.I have been married twice so I know what you mean. My first husband was German, he didn’t mind my hair being nappy, or straight, he just thought I was attractive either way. HEck he even paid for me to get a straight weave one day..
We were in Japan one summer and I really got an eyeful that I couldn’t believe how subservient most of the Asian woman are. I think that’s why I always hear “Westernized modern” American Indian and Asian women, claim they want an “American” man. Because their own men are so “ridiculous” I have a lot of friends who get called a banana (white on the inside, yellow on the outside) lol because they all chase white guys to marry.
I was raised by a white (hippie) guy. But he was laid back about matters of female hair. I just think why the heck are we conditioned to reject natural BLACK hair. And it’s not JUST black men doing the rejecting, it’s many American men who do of all races.
A bad hair cut is not the same as coming out as your true self.
I agree with you though.
I also think the Thailand cultures and the females are appearance obsessed, more so than Black women could ever be here in America. When I was there, some of the women were constantly comparing my color to theirs.(I’m light) You can’t find lotion over there without bleach in it. Talk about a culture of women being WHITE BOY Cray, Cray!!!!! They aren’t too crazy either about their own men I noticed. One thing I noticed they love people and are polite, but they really love money and are obsessed with looking more white and also obsessed with skin bleaching. I’ve met many Indian and African women who are too. I just think the whole world is insane sometimes.
My mom walked around with a little afro when my step dad and she met. Let’s see, they met in the early 70’s. Now my step dad( who is white and from a wealthy family) loved it. He loved the afro on my mother. When she did the weave in the 80’s, he loved it. She went back to the afro (texturized) in the 90’s and he loved it. When she dyed it like a leopard print, he loved it! He was super proud of her uniqueness and boldness. She shaved it all off, and I mean ALL OFF!just for fun, he loved it.When she dyed it back to black, he begged her to go leopard print again. When she got pancreatic cancer and lost all of her hair, he loved her still. That is called love. Some men don’t want a woman, they want hair.
Like I said, my step Dad was white, and I guess that’s why I never really cared what others thought of my natural hair, because when I saw my dad love my mother so much, no matter what style she wore, it had a positive effect on me. But I really, really do wish Black men would catch on to what other races of men and dread locked men know is BEAUTIFUL. It is not surprising that most of us get that kind of cruel criticism and rejection from our own men? That’s why I never criticize other black women for wearing weaves or straight hair like it’s theirs.
I think I told a similar story too, how this brother called my hair “nappy” even though he and I had the same type of 3c hair. Lol What an idiot he was and STILL is. When he called MY hair nappy, I was taken aback and couldn’t believe someone in 2011 could insult my hair like that? But he was pretty typical of most black men who were born in the 70’s.
Sorry you went through such a painful experience.
My husband is white and it was his idea that I go natural. A lot of people didn’t like my hair but the amount of people that did support my BC was greater. Most of my critics were black. They had a lot of misconceptions about curly hair. For some reason, they thought I was going to have loose flowing curls and my hair would grow rapidly.
I remember when I bc’d the guy I was dating LOVED it. I remember being shocked because when I first met him I had a long 18 inch weave and he was the only person to tell me how much he loved the new look. All of my family and friends were just like “why?” or “what did you do?” I even got “is she gay!?”
People are nuts, I’m 4 years post big chop and I still wear weaves for protective styles from time to time and my current boyfriend hates it, lol. He prefers my natural hair I do too but sometimes I just want a break… I must say that I’ve been lucky…
I have a similar experience. However, I am married. So, I can’t get out. I have 3b/c hair. For 20 years I wore a texturizer making it more like 3a. For the past 10 years I’ve flat ironed my hair. I’ve always known my chocolate colored husband has had issues with both hair and skin. I have kind of a light carmel colored skin and when he sees people his color or darker he makes negative comments. One day I had a “good hair” day (meaning it behaved the way I wanted with the products I used). In front of my mother and sister he announced “you have nappy hair,” and “you don’t look that good.” I think hair is a sensitive subject for many people of color. I agree with the term hiding behind something. I hid behind flat ironed and texturized hair because I never really received guidance from my mother on how to style black hair. I also grew up in a tiny rural town without any people of color, so It may have been mostly to fit in. But, whether you live urban, suburban, or rural area and wear wigs, weaves, relaxers, or texturizers, it’s all designed to hide what you are. I’m still in the process of freeing myself from that. It doesn’t help anyone to hear negativity from their significant other. I’m happy to hear your both free from the weaves and the man.
Why do you stay with this type of man ?? He is clearly with you because of his self-hatred !!
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry you feel that you can’t get out of such a bad emotionally abusive situation. Like I said, ( IF you read my story) I went through a very similar experience. I broke it off with him, and yes, it is much more difficult to leave a relationship when you are married to the guy. I should say he didn’t seem to want ME because I wore my hair natural. He called it unkempt a few months after we broke it off. But he was really cruel about it, much like your husband is being.
I just hate, when women get mistreated, I grew up in a household where my parents were best friends, so my standards on men have always been very high.
But what was weird was that my abuser had my exact hair. Well anyway, it boils down to what white society defines as feminine and clean. And some black people are still brainwashed into believing that if they see un-straightened hair it MUST be literally dirty or poorly taken care of.
Straightness equates to clean and well kept. Even though those relaxers have been found to give people cancer and there are new studies that say that some of our black products made by companies over seas have cancer causing ingredients and chemicals in them, which can cause an increase in estrogen in women 17 and under. Over exposure to increased estrogen can cause breast cancer in some of us.
Like I said before I’ve had WHITE women give me the dirtiest looks even though I have the kind of hair that grows DOWN not up.
And it’s so funny because you and I have 3b 3 c hair and people tend to think we “got it made” But when you are dealing with negativity from someone you love you just don’t know what to do. Regardless of texture people will try to knock you down. And to suffer through emotional abuse doesn’t do your kids any good.
Wow, I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. But I’m glad you are no longer with someone that doesn’t appreciate you for you. He clearly is into fake chicks. He went for the 20 (weaved chicks) instead staying with the 80 (you). Rock your hair how you want to and stay beautiful. I dated someone around the time I BC, but my concern was not for what he thought. I had planned this along so I knew I was going to BC. If you were with it, great! If not, great! God bless and keep doing you sunshine!
I have to come to the ex’s defense in one fashion. It is very hard to ask someone accept the real you when their interpretation of the real you was fabricated. It’s like buying into the stock market and watching everyone else flourish and then only your stock drops. It’s kinda like buying stock in fool’s gold, and wondering WTF?! With that said however, I completely understand your pain. I made my transition and recieved some flack from people who had no business even opening their mouths. They actually had the audacity to say I look better the other way. Now, with my natural hair grown out a bit, I’m exotic. Go figure? This natural hair revolution is not for the weak of heart and their will be a lot of people (male and female) who will have to question and redefine their own views of how afro americans identify beauty. The best part is this, we are beautiful in manufactured form as well as natural. We just have to open our scope. Not that you care (nor should you), but your ex will learn. There is beauty and peace in embracing your ROOTS!!! Be blessed!!!
Any many ways I agree with your example. However, as a stok buyer, would you not examine what you are buy? Research. At some point when you are coming invested in the relationship would the young man not ask about their natural hair under the wig or weave? For that fact, even the young lady could take off the weave, are talk about are something. I know that can be hard if you are addicted. I did tell my husband I was thinking about letting my perm grow off. He said, he said, just don’t do it because its a fad. Lol I said, when is wearing my natural hair a fad? He said, well it’s your hair do what you want to do with it. It’s been 4 years. It’s longer then it ha Ben my whole life. Now he says, I told you not to perm it, now you got hair. Lol he never said that.
Now I have a deer friend who remarried husband has never seen her hair over 9 years. Not once. She went natural while wearing wigs. When he walked in on her he went in shock! He said he did not know it was hat bad. Now he wants he to take care of her hair. So I say all this to say:
Fool, look under the Weave prior to purchase!!!
You are right, but at the same time, it sounds like some men don’t want a woman, they want hair. What she had was a very immature male. Not an evolved man.And that is fine if he want’s long hair, then he should get a woman with naturally long hair that he is also attracted to.He knew what her real hair looked like regardless of the weave because if you want a Black woman, then you know automatically what type of hair she REALLY has underneath.
But then you have some men who complain about running their fingers over “tracks” lol someone like Chris Rock who makes movies out of the enormous amounts of women wearing weaves, without making a movie about the extremely high prison rate of black men and how it costs tax payers like 45,000 dollars a year to keep these men in prison in some states. Not to mention it’s like 1 in every 15 black men in prison.
So I think sometimes, brothas need to worry more about those types of causes,instead of how good a woman looks with her weave. I mean, doesn’t he know that people are looking at HIS girl knowing that she is wearing a weave?? We all know it and can see, it So he is living in a fairytale anyway. Because we all can identify a weave a mile a way. HE bought into his own delusions it sounds like.
I have to say that while his response may seem sort of shady, I understand. He’s a man and not all men are attracted to women with very short hair. He might not have even been conscious of how he was acting at that time. I’m happy that you found someone you are better yolked with though. I decided not to BC b/c I have always had long hair and my go-to styles are usually a ponytail or bun so it’s just easier for me to go this route. Lately I’ve been thinking about cutting off all my relaxed ends and my husband is confident that I’ll still be beautiful regardless of whatever I do. (At least that’s what he says. Lol!)
But she ain’t some random woman off the street. That’s what I think a lot of young women don’t get. A man that loves you has a deep, inner attraction to you that isn’t diminished by something so small and petty as a hairdo. It’s not the same kind of attraction one might have to a stranger or a celebrity (which may vary based on slight superficialities). It’s a lot stronger and more potent than that.
In her instance, they were already in a relationship. In a real relationship, all the things he finds attractive about you don’t disappear when you cut your hair. It’s such a small part of the attraction between two adult lovers. Your lover loves your body, mind and soul. If the attraction is real, a haircut won’t change that. If that’s the case, then the relationship wasn’t real to begin with. So I agree that she’s better off without him.
My boyfriend is white and when I did my big chop he was surprised to see me with short hair but he said that he prefered it than my hair that was damaged by relaxers. now my afro has grown and he loves it, he even reminds me to pretect it by putting a satin pillow before going to bed.
my point is that whether your partner is black, white, hispanic, it is important that he knows you at your most natural and still loves you hairless and make-up less because what matter is the you inside and all the intimate things that you share.
This knife cuts both ways because if my husband up and comes home with a jheri curl lets say as an example, I would have a problem.
Any significant change in styling contrary to how we met each other would require, in the least, a real conversation.
@ just saying… hahahahahahaha I laughed at that,all i could think about was soul glo and i totally agree. It works both ways
Smh, most men (especially Afro-men) are shallow. My hair was 21″ long, relaxed, and colored Dirty Blonde. I let it grow out about 2 1/2″, then cut off all of the relaxed and went natural. Everyone…I mean everyone, I Knew asked me why, in a disappointed tone, and the majority of them offered to pay for me to go to the hair dresser. My eyes were opened to there closed minds. The realization is, just because you are no longer brainwashed doesn’t mean others aren’t.
Some men are terrible… thy say they want women to wear their real hair…. but when you do they run away. I m sorry you had such an experience and I m glad you found a real man…. When i went natural my boyfriend was AWESOME about it….. he doesn’t really care how i wear my hair and thinks I’m pretty either way…. and that’s what ALL WOMEN DESERVE!!!!!! that’s what you deserve.
Many men love when women have long hair, whether it is straight, curly, kinky or even fake. In their mind, it is an attribute of our femininity. In their mind, it is what sets us apart from men. So we shouldn’t be so harsh when they are shocked or saddened when we cut what many of them believe is our beauty..and out of consideration for him, we should ease them into it through discussion and understanding. However, if a man rejects you because of a hair cut, then you are indeed better off without him.
Long hair separates women from men? And all this time I thought there was some actual anatomical difference. Silly me.
These dudes with all these phony notions of femininity are gon’ be real bummed when the only women who meet their arbitrary standards are rejects from Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Cuz seriously, drag queens are the only ones that fit that caricature of womanhood that black men so desperately crave. They gon’ find out one day. They’ll finally get that “dimepiece”, FLY honey with hair weaved all down her back and a face full of heavy makeup and that Kardashian, overly-done look (just like the brothas like ’em) home and find something a little extra under her skirt.
If you can’t pick out a woman in a crowd without all the fakeness, you’re setting yourself up for a VERY RUDE awakening. #imjustsayin’
Yes indeed many men of other ethnic groups get upset when their significant others go from long hair to tweeny weeny whatever. MOST Men like long hair.. the longer the better. If they didn’t the imported hair business would go belly up. Some women like beards and some can’t stand a breaded man. These are preferences and it doesn’t make the person bad, it’s something that matters to them. The men in my life know upfront I do what I want w/ my hair, if it’s going to be a problem then I’m the wrong person.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! When I first decided to transition I told my husband what I was planning to do, but I did not ask permission. He didn’t like it in the beginning, but I think that was because he didn’t know what to expect. Now, after 7 months natural, he loves my hair and so do I!
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/image-21.jpg[/img]
Lol, sorry for the sideways pic.
I’m so glad that she found a real man who accepts her for who she is. It’s best to keep it real from the jump.
What a hurtful experience that must have been. When I first began going out with my boyfriend my hair had been locked for 6 months. I didn’t know how to take care of it and was selfconcious. I knew the first few months of the locking process were the worst so I tried to just ride out the ugly phase. He offered to take me to the salon and they worked wonders on my hair. I kept my lox in for a little over a year then decided to comb them out. My hair went from being on my shoulder to past the middle of my back! Then I put a perm in it a few months later, kept that in for another year then began wearing braids. I did the big chop earlier this year and finally wore my hair out during the summer. At first he didn’t like it but after about a week he said he actually preferred to see me with my natural hair. Today my hair is still short but much longer than it was when I first began wearing my twa. My boyfriend is fine with it. He cares about me for me. He’s stuck around through lox, perms, braids and now my natural hair…this shows how indecisive I am lol. He even helps with my hair if I show him what to do first! He has an afro too so I guess he couldn’t really be upset about it. I’m glad you’re in a relationship where your hair doesn’t affect your boyfriend’s feelings for you. If he loves you for you he’ll find you attractive even if you’re bald! lol
Wow, reading this was absolutely TERRIBLE. To think that there is still an abundance of men out there who prefer fake bimbos who shove weave in their hair and slather tons of makeup on their face is beyond me. I knew her exacts fears in this article, being worried about the BIG CHOP. I was scared, no TERRIFIED that everyone would hate it, and I would be the laughingstock of all my friends, family, and my boyfriend. But amazingly, to my surprise, everyone adored it! They were happy to see me get away from hiding underneath the wigs and weaves and embrace my natural for what it really was: BEAUTIFUL. My boyfriend especially loved it, and he is one of the main reasons why I sold and donated all of my wigs and let my hair run free. 🙂
(Me on left, him on right <3)
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/1185581_10151620790336378_1281147208_n.jpg[/img]
Why’d you have to say me on the lft jom on the right, though? LOL
I put that so everyone could see what I looked like! 🙂
Wow, you just disrespected so many women. smh.
Huh? How? O.o
OMG! You look beautiful! Smile on, girl!
THA WEAVE IS WHUR ITS AT!!!!!!!!! U BETTA GET WIT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just a question…do you think white, hispanic, or asian women ask their significant others their opinion or permission to change their hair? If no, why in the world would a black woman? if you all you love about me is my hair then you don’t love me. All women you need to “miss’ these shallow Hals because what they’re selling isn’t love.
I have a Puerto rican friend with bra length wavy hair and yes her husband cares how she wears it. She doesn’t think he’d be up for her having a short cut
unfortunately, black “men” tend to be more judgemental when it comes to our hair; the superficial ones anyways. it’s not so much getting their approval as it is judging the future of the unknown.
being that asian and white and hispanic women typically have long silky straight hair (there is the occasional nap), their significant others don’t much care unless it is a boycut. Even in our own community, black women judge the 4c hair as _____________________<your descriptive here< it's a shame that the world contains as many "shallow Hals" as it does. but the fact is there is
I think white, hispanic, and asian women also aren’t drastically changing not only the length but also the texture of their hair like black women are doing as of late.
I just feel like its an Apples vs bike tire comparison.
yes, white, hispanic & asian women ask their significant others what they think about their hair.
that is all
I am so sorry you experienced that. I had a conversation with my husband before I even started transitioning. I let him know what I was about to do and asked how he felt about it. He asked “what are you going to do with it once you cut it off?”, and I told him, “wear it curly”, and he kinda laughed, like “yeah, right, sure your hair is naturally curly”….needless to say, he loved my twa because I didn’t transition long. It has been 3 years and he still occasionally touches it.
Didn’t have that experience. I’m sorry you did. That must have hurt. I cut my hair and men, real men, FLOCKED to me. I think my beautiful fade separated the men from the boys… LOL
She dodged a shallow bullet-I say good riddance to him. There are so many guys out here who are addicted to all that is fake it is nauseating. There’s nothing wrong with wearing some hair when you are around your man, but they should be able to accept you any way- natural, relaxed, added-on. Your hair does not, in any way, define you on the inside-your mental process does not change when your ‘do does. The guy she dumped, unless he changes his point of view and realizes the hair does not make the woman so to speak, he will continue to set impossible standards for himself which can only be attained with fakeness-his woman will always have to look a certain way for him. And, that is different from being attracted to certain features, which is realistic, human nature. So, again I say, good riddance.
Most men are visual when the grow up. They grow up thinking that straight, unruly, long hair is beautiful than kinks and coils, because our hair is viewed as “nappy”, and not right. I was thrilled with my hair when I BC’ed a few weeks ago. I normally hair short hair, but I loved how much life my hair has, I love all my coils and curls. My BF however was a different story. He wouldn’t say anything about my hair directly to spare my feelings I guess, but he was a little more distant. But slowly as time passes, he’s slowly getting use to the fact that I have short hair. It’s going to take some time, but he’s getting use to my curly twa.
First of all that man was a boyfriend not her husband. She shouldn’t have to OK nothing with him first. She was only seeing him for a few months, she didn’t owe any explanation of what she does with her hair. And if he was her husband she should have discussed it and eased him into the idea of a BC not OK it by him. Wtf is wrong with y’all females saying a women need to OK her decisions by a man!!!
Agreed. I don’t ask my husband for permission to do a darned thing with my OWN body. That’s just cray cray. Ironically, that attitude is why so many of these ladies are still single. What kinda man u gon’ get, askin’ OTHER folks if it’s okay to be you? That is NOT setting a good precedent, as far as I’m concerned. And it’s a recipe for finding yourself surrounded by users and losers. What kinda man thinks it’s his RIGHT to tell you what to do with your OWN body?
What I think these ladies don’t understand is that a REAL MAN’S attraction to the RIGHT woman is not so fragile that a hairstyle can upend his love and attraction to you. Real attraction is deep. It’s personal. It’s strong. And it definitely isn’t swayed by the texture of the hair on top of your head.
Here’s hoping that one day these ladies grow up a bit and make some demands of the men in their lives. Then they’ll know what it’s like to be in a love with a real man. It’s beautiful. And it’s liberating. I hope every lady finds it someday. But first she has to know that she’s WORTHY of it. That comes from within, and not from some man’s stamp of approval of your hairdo. If you keep lookin’ for that, you’re asking for a long, lonely, loveless life. Demand real love from a real man, and settle for nothing less, ladies. It’s a beautiful thing, I promise you.
Women are treating these “boyfriends ” like husbands and we need to stop!! I’m really disappointed in the amount of women who are dismissing that mans behavior or saying she needed a mans approval to cut her hair. If all women thinked like, I shiver to think what world I would be living in. Women don’t need men’s approval to do something wonderful and healthy for our bodies… We need SUPPORT!!! That’s what’s wrong with our community… Shame on that black man. We should not be excusing his behavior. Change starts with US…. Black Wome..
Totally agree with you, I remember telling my husband I was going to grow out my relaxer and wear my natural texture. I didn’t really care how he felt about it. It wasn’t his hair/head that was being chemically burned and heat damaged.
I have never even asked if he liked my hair. He has since told me on a number of occasions he likes my hair and he’s happy I am no longer burning it up with flat irons. I am an adult and do not require permission from my husband regarding my hair. I find it ironic that some women believe we need our men’s permission to wear our hair in it’s natural state.
Exactly!
@clar esa I completely agree with all your comments, my mum gave birth to me, raised me, invested in me and my hair and I did not even consult her about my BC nor look for her approval, but I’m supposed to, according to some people, ok it with a man who hasn’t even made a lifetime commitment to me?? Even if he is your husband nobody has the right to stop you being yourself!
If you make a decision that is important to you he needs to accept and support it and vice versa because you love and care for them, despite what you or he feels about it.
I like compliments and attention but I will NOT consult on making a decision about my hair, skin, etc. If we truly believe that we should accept people for who they are and that we are all free then there ia no need for me to consult with my hubby about my hair. My husband hates relaxed hair but I have had relaxed hair while we were married. The bottom line is he loves ME. Not my hair. I don’t think that women should give other people power over them. That’s one of our first problems. We have given the fashion industry and males power over who we appear as in this life.
I felt really insecure when I first stopped wearing a weave in January this year, about whether or not men would still find me attractive or not. Then my Dad (who is white and had always wanted me to wear my hair natural) told me I looked “wonderful”. That was all I needed 🙂
I FOUND THIS TOO BE FUNNY. THIS WRITER IS THE SAME PERSON ON THE WEB ACTING LIKE HER 4C HAIR IS A DEATH SENTENCE
I didn’t get that from the article. What I got was she was scared and rebuffed by her former bf and was happy she found someone who accepted her as is. Depending on where you are (assuming your in the US) the reaction can truly vary.
Let’s get one thing straight here: this guy was rude, demeaning, unsupportive and every bit the mate we all fear to have one day. However, he also reacted the only way he knew how: dictated by HIS idea of beauty and attractiveness.
If I had been her, I would have brought the topic up with him before doing it; NOT to get his blessings, but merely to know what category he fit in, for me to manage my own expectations. As mentioned in a few comments here, men are visual creatures, and it would have been great for her to make sure she understood that particular guy’s visual cues.
A BC is a very personal decision, and, unless you want to continue rocking weave or wigs, it also implies a whole change in appearance. Personally, before dating anyone, I would make sure they love me with my 4C hair AND my weaves, or they would not even qualify.
Talking it out before would have allowed the narrator to see that guy for his true colors earlier on, and to cut him loose without the hurt and pangs to her self confidence she had to endure afterwards. Anyways, good riddance and all the best in your new relationship!
I think opinions will definitely differ. I have BC ed my hair twice in my seven year marriage and I am now back to relaxed hair. Your SO has a say or at least a contribution to your image this is because how you look could affect your relationship. I tell my husband how I like his beard shaped and when I feel he is due for a haircut and he listens to me. No big deal listening to him.
there u go another whitewashed black idiot – good dumping
”know thyself -so called blk man and woman”
namasteubuntu
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/opuskreative.jpg[/img]
I can imagine the hurt. recently a guy im seeing looked at my picture on my wall with my hair relaxed, he asked “why does your hair look like that?” i said “it’s relaxed there” he said in a serious tone, “dont relax it again” lol. Even thou i dont plan on relaxing my hair ever again and he cant tell me what to do, it made me feel good to know he thinks i look better doing me. i think if he was to say he prefered it straight i would show him the door quick time. any guy who would choose for me to wear my hair straight i know is not on my wave length.
How shall I put this? Its a concern of mine having to face this so… I had just taken out braids when I was asked out last year and I purposely delayed ‘doing’ anything with my hair. Just went with my hair natural (which I never really wear because I can’t comb my hair) I managed to pull it into an elastic – I wanted him to see me with my real hair, no makeup etc etc. After the date – I refused to call, text or anything – it was up to him and he called then, and every time after – even though he never saw my hair again because it was always in braids – when he asked me to marry him after 6 months he knew what he was dealing with because I didn’t sell an ‘image’.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/mewithelffoundation.jpg[/img]
I had wanted to BC for like 10 yrs and my family was against it. I had long hair and they did’t get me wanting to cut it all off (it was bra strap length). My crown I noticed was thinning out and I had other issues so I thought a BC and going natural would solve them. The beginning of June 2011 I relaxed my hair for the last time. Since moving from NYC to FL my hair no longer behaved. I never had a frizzy day in NYC, I didn’t even know my hair could get frizzy even during out heat waves in NYC my hair always bounced and behaved. When I moved to FL didn’t matter if I wrapped my hair, used hairspray nothing helped it just would frizz. So June 30, 2011 I BC’d to peach fuzz w/ no warning. At first I didn’t like it but I realized it wasn’t my hair I didn’t like it was the color, I felt it was too dark w my hair being so short so I colored it to the color in the pic w/ is like (4/30 in wig speak) after that I loved it and so did my family. My hair texture I found is a 3b/3c which I LOVE and have had No backlash, I usually date white guys and they love my hair. I did hear some black male coworkers wonder why I cut all my hair off and had one comment that no brother wants a bald woman, I told him that was fine b/c my man is white and he loves my hair. That set him back a bit, but here I am 2 yrs and 2 months and 2 weeks to the day of my BC. Blown out my hair now is almost arm pit length but I have trimmed it at least 5 or 6 times since then so it would be longer if I was not scissor addicted, lol!!! Considering going back to as short as it is in the pic (This Pic is Aug 2011). But I’m going to wait until my 3rd anniversary and decided then. . .
When I decided to go natural, I told my then boyfriend about it (we didn’t split cuz of it though) and he was shocked and doubtful. To be honest, most men don’t know much about women and hair, and I explained my reasons for my decision, for me it wasn’t about ‘seeking permission’,that’s what you do in a relationship with someone you love, talk about basically everything. His last words were, ‘I trust your decision, I’ll admit I don’t fully understand it, but I trust you…’, every now and then he would pull out a picture with me with weaves, but I understood its what he was used to. Overtime he grew to love it, asking ‘how is ‘our’ hair?’ on the phone, playing with it, asking how i keep it soft and healthy, sniffing it (lol, blame that on the delicious scent of some product)
Its funny how some men are unattracted to natural haired ladies, all cuz she’s rocking the same hair that grows on their head, and drooling over sew ins, and extensions. Nothing against those though. Just an observation. Blame it on history, or whatever. But any man who can’t accept my hair isn’t someone I would wanna be with. People say natural hair is all ‘back to slave trade’ and whatever ignorant nonsense, but what about before then? There was no perm /straightening iron with the African monarchs/people of old. Why do people focus on the negative so much?
You know **scratches my head** I don’t understand why most be saying “Oh I love when a girl wears their natural hair” and “I hate girls who wear weaves” Then when women start wearing their real hair out then the whole dam script just flips.
I remember when I did my big chop I didn’t get much attention from men when I be out all the time. A week after my big chop I end up wearing sew ins just to test it out to see the reactions and it was completely different and got so much attention than that last week. Plus I was doing this protective style challenge for a full year until I become 1 year natural. Now I’m 2 years and 4 months and my hair is way longer and some people I associate with asking me “when are you going to straighten your hair?” and “you should straighten your hair because you will look even more prettier”. Every time when someone say that I hold off even longer to flat iron my hair.
BUT WHEN YOU PUT OUT THE VIBES THAT THE WEAVE LOOKS BETTER THEN THE NATURAL HAIR WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
I expect exactly what reactions that I was going to received. I never said my natural hair didn’t look good and the weave look better. That is what you’re assuming. Did you understand my whole comment? Oh wait I forgot your TINA SMITH with the ALL CAPS comments. Nevermind
BITCH PLEASE YOU CAN’T READ I SEE
No. You didn’t comprehend the original comment. *getittogether*
You know what this is your second time calling me bitch. Do you feel better about yourself? Women like you always bringing other women down just so you can feel good about yourself. If that’s what you do then you must one ugly ass bitter person. Sweetie I’ve seen some of your YouTube videos couldn’t get pass 8 seconds. How does it feel to have almost 50 subscribers? HA! You’re a joke
What grade are you in?
I am a female, and i’m not going to take a bias stance for this situation. I honestly believe that women should not make decisions without talking to her significant other and expect that he should just be kool with it. That is unfair to him. If you do not like tattoos, I do not think it would be fair to a female if her man just goes and gets one, and expects her to accept it. People like and prefer different things. If he met her with long shiny weaves, that’s what grabbed his interest, so do not be surprised when his interest changes when you do. Nonetheless, if she wanted to make that change and he couldn’t accept that, it’s obvious that he’s not the one for her, as it would not be genuine, unconditional (true)love. That’s my view.
I hear what you’re saying but I feel her BC is different than getting a tattoo. It’s her hair that grows out of her scalp. But I understand your point. If that is his preference, then that’s his preference. He clearly wasn’t the one for her. I am glad she found a man that accepts and adores her natural hair 🙂
http://ammamama.wordpress.com/
Have ya’ll seen this video?
NATURAL HAIR: YO BOYFRIEND DONT LIKE IT??
loved the video. thanx for sharing!
I can completely understand that position, even if it doesn’t necessarily aply to me or my situation.
I believe that relationship dynamics can and do vary based on the individuals involved. I am the sort of person whose appearance is not something which I will consult others on- that includes my significant other. My SO knew me a long time before our relationship became romantic, so he knew this about me. It did not occur to me to talk to him about what was going down with my hair before I started transitioning, because I know that he’s not the sort of person who would want to talk hairstyling with me, and certainly not because I would have wanted his approval.
When I showed up with my hair in a TWA, he noted that it was different from the shoulder length relaxed ‘do, and said it was “pretty cool” and soft, and that was the end of it. When I straighten it, braid, twist, wrap, hat, or dye it, he responds with the same sort of vague recognition of change and appreciation.
I understand that this is not true for all couples, I was just taking the time to share my particular situation. I do feel as though you should probably understand your own relationship’s dynamic. That is, you should be cognizant of the fact that your SO is invested in your appearance and react accordingly. Mine is not, nor am I the sort that wants his opinion on that particular aspect of my life, so we work really well together.
🙂
You are a female what, dear? I couldn’t force myself to read past that.
Yeah….I always find it weird when women or girls call themselves “females”. Female “what” is right. It always seem vaguely…sexist. It’s okay to be a woman or a girl. And then to use the term “female” but not use the counterpart “male”…not to get all soap-boxy but it does make me wonder how the commenter views themselves and their womanhood.
Amen! I am so tired of hearing that term. I mostly hear it in reference to black women. I once asked a man why he used that term, and he said that he doesn’t necessarily assume that an individual is a woman ( meaning a lady); he just assumes that she’s female. To say it’s sexist puts it mildly. I think it’s demeaning.
Mine seemed cool when I BC…there are times when he jokes and makes his side comments but for the most part he doesnt care about how I look.
That is not always the case……
When women get so attached to weaves and gets attention that way, any comments and changes hits them the hardest.
what a prick. Good riddance.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/bluebackdromdelilablack.jpg[/img]
I agree with a lot of the comments, men indeed are visual creatures. My experience was somewhat different. I was in a new relationship and I discussed the possibilities of chopping off my hair . I was scared that I would look and feel unattractive and my guy was very encouraging he convinced me that was never possible and he joked that worst case scenario he would get me 7 different wigs one for each day so he could have 7 women in one (blonde , brunette etc) . I finally did it and he was nervous for me if I would love it or not. He was super supportive and he loved it and I loved it too. It has been a journey but now I am loving my hair ,it’s no longer dry and dull and it looks and feel healthy after just 4 months.
Support is necessary on the journey back to natural especially from a partner because many colleagues and friend will give you a hard time and don’t understand how hurtful their comments are to you.
My bf of 1 1/2 years was very hurtful when I first chopped my hair off Oct 2011. He thought I did it because I was mad at him, that wasn’t the case, I was angry at the heat damage done to my hair after a friend pressed and curled it. I rocked weaves and my real hair natural and straightened prior to the heat damage. Back then, when I wore my hair natural it wasn’t a problem because it was “long” but after my big chopped I sent him pics and he made comments referring to me as looking like him and that I reminded him of a gay boy. But I do give him some credit, when he first saw me after my BC he looked into my eyes and told me how beautiful they were, as a method to convince himself I was still beautiful even with a TWA. This is when I thought he decided to stick though my “masculine” cut because he loved me. But hurtful things still happened, He “took back his love” from me December that year, saying he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore and I knew my hair had something to do with it. But during my growth process and our rocky relationship he also grew to the concept of being natural. When I would buy weave out of insecurity and he would complain. “What happened to being natural?” he asked, and it helped to show me that he was down for the natural cause and anything different was no good. Almost 2 years later our relationship is no longer rocky it is as stable as it has ever been actually, and my tresses are thick, long and full. When I complain about my hair health he tells me that I should try the “treatment stuff” That I used to do when my hair was shorter. I don’t blame him for the hurtful things he said at first because men are visual and when he first met me I wore my hair long and straight, I changed on him, it wasn’t something he was used to but we pushed through it.
Thanks for sharing btw!
I have never had a bf, but all of my guy friends at first were like it’s nice…then theyd say wow Im surprised I like it. Which was kinda awkward because that is not a compliment but I guess it takes some getting used to when you look at the way most of us were raised in regards to natural hair. Im happy you found love…with your hair and a new man.
It’s his loss by a long shot! My love for 6 years loved when I did my first big chop in 2009 and again last year (2012).
I love being natural and so does he! Although I still have persons around me that constantly says ‘ have nice hair BUT when are you going to perm your hair again?’
My response: I didn’t cut my hair for you, I did it for ME & I love it just the way it is!
Every many I’ve ever dated and saw my natural hair always told me I looked better with it natural, it was myself that thought negatively about it, until my husband finally conscienced me. Looking back I’m ashamed I felt that way but I feel blessed I had such support to embrace my natural self.
A lot of typos but I hope you all get the point. Lol
I did the same thing you did Tyra…but I did the big chop only one month into the relationship. We were in College at the time..he had slept over and I was transitioning when we started dating. However, I woke up before him looked n the mirror and just grabbed some scissors.
Luckily I didn’t get that same reaction. He was basically just “ok” with. I told him I did it so that it wold grow out healthy and he said “Well let’s see what happens.”
Now it’s two and a half years later and my hair is a medium sized ‘fro. He thinks the natural hair is sexy. He actually prefers my afro to braids or any type of extensions so he can put his hands in it.
Though I must say it by make a difference that my boyfriend is white but loves afro hair. Though I recently started working at a new job and there is a black coworker who keeps touching my hair and claims he thinks I have good hair… (mind you my hair is 4C).
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/392128_10151013770215508_1945423144_n.jpg[/img]
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/63903_10153227794250508_983690306_n.jpg[/img]
no wonder you get compliments,your hair looks seriously good and healthy
Very cute :-)!
http://ammamama.wordpress.com/
Right… cause 4c hair is bad hair
HERE WE GO WITH THE HAIR TYPING
I had a similar experience, my ex told me he was going to get me some remi hair when he first saw it lol. I was like please get out my face…. I distance myself from him, I get a lot of compliments and I LOVE my TWA so much. I wish I would of done it sooner.
Dang that ex-boyfriend is something else. I loved the story though. I’m so glad you got rid of him. There are WAY too many INTELLIGENT men out there who like natural for you to entertain someone making you have a low self-esteem. And for what? So you can be an untrue version of yourself? So you can hang yaki on your head and rip your edges out? NEXT!
I think his reaction, while over the top is typical to some degree. My bf was shocked, he never said anything bad, prolly cause he knew I was super defensive, but he did make comments, when women were wearing weaves and said, why don’t you do your hair like that again. He stopped doing it tho. he loves my puff!
This makes me a little happy that I am natural while single. If I ever get a boyfriend (sigh, eventually), they will know what they are getting into. :p
i want to go a bit natural because my hair would be like a fro but curly but im afraid what people would think as well as i like my hair relaxed
go natural,i mean at least if you are natural you can switch from curly to straight when you want :)(as long as you consider how much heat your hair can handle)
I never wore weave. But my husband considered my relaxed shoulder length hair long (I laugh at that now). Anywho…I told him I wanted to shave all my hair off and he said why. I said cause My hair is damaged. He seemed to not understand :
So one day me and mom go to the salon and my mom is like, just cut it all off. So I do lol.
I came back home with a buzz cut, and my husband a black caramel covered man; all the color drained from his face when he saw me. lol!!!
It’s been 3 years now. My hair is bra strap length now which I have never had. Before my hair would always start to shed and brake at shoulder length.
Now that my hair is longer and natural he plays in my hair. When I want to do twists he comes and sits with me and helps. He asked me to start him on head massages. He said baby can you use amla oil on my head. That was a head turner moment. Should have seen my face…”What you know about my amla oil lol!
He never paid attention to my relaxed hair. Sure he liked it straight, but any hair style change I did he made no mention, he didn’t even touch my relaxed hair. Now I can’t keep his dang hands out of my hair. Which is kinda annoying sometimes because I’ll put all this work into a new do and here he come trying to play stylist…
And don’t let me try to put a wig on or makeup. That man will flip a gasket. No he is not Afrocentric. He is very far from that. He a black star-trek, star-wars loving computer nerd, and very very sexy.
Aaaahhh! This comment made my day!!!
My husband is a black computer nerd too!!! He is a Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica loving gamer nerd!!!
When I met him he had locs, and he totally appreciated my then-TWA. He wants me to let him detangle it, but I am so protective of my hair that I refuse, lol. I did let him help me take down some box braids once and he was super excited about it, lol!
Thank you 🙂
Yes my husband is a big gamer as well. Try sneaking off during one of his gaming sessions. What I have learned though is it has to be a certain game he is playing. One that takes up all his attention. If he is in a raid on WorldofWarcraft or big fight on Battlefield I am scott free. I come out that shower and he’s still on the game….in the same raid.
Now I can’t say that this works always. If he has headphones on done deal, but once he hears that shower going man mode kicks in, and I can say goodbye to detangling then.
🙁 I miss my hubby. I can’t wait for this deployment to be over.
I’m happy you found a new love! I had a similar situation but with better results. I wanted to take my weave out and my boyfriend suggested I go natural instead of putting in new weave. So we went to the salon and she cut off all my processed hair, I had about two inches and instantly cried. I wasn’t use to it. He spun that chair around and told me he liked my natural hair better and our relationship has been going strong since.
Men are visual creatures. The current state of affairs seems to be either a weave/wig or natural when I see black women. Relaxed hair is becoming less and less. The author doesn’t mention whether she discussed BCing with her then boyfriend prior to cutting. My boyfriends friends complain all the time that… “one day she has long hair and the next its short-warn a brotha or let a brotha know when your going to make such a drastic change”. In the end its her choice and he has no REAL but I do think drastic changes should be discussed or at least mentioned to your significant other so reactions like that are at a minimum.
Hmm I’m not sure there’s a lot of room for discussion in what a woman does with her body. When I BC the second time I did send my boyfriend a text and the convo went like this:
Me: I’m cutting off all my hair again. I can’t keep walking around with these stringy ends
Him: Noooooooooo
Me: it’ll grow back. You’ll live and if you don’t I’ll throw you an elaborate funeral.
Him: hate you
But when I came home he actually loved how soft it was. I was wearing a weave for about 2 months prior because I was embarrassed by my own hair so he was just happy I was wigless. He may very well still not like it but he keeps it to himself, as he should.
You proved my point….you at least told him so it wasn’t a complete surprise.
Sure but my point more so was I TOLD him, I didn’t ask him or debate nor discuas it with him about it.
A lot of my friends who did this, unfortunately were talked out of going natural.
“I TOLD him, I didn’t ask him or debate nor discuss it with him”
*applause* THIS RIGHT HERE…
The man I was seeing at the time I BC’d didn’t want me to do it even after I took the time to explain why I was doing it (because I was fed up with relaxed hair and wanted something different). Needless to say, he didn’t last.
I feel sorry for women who let their SO’s insecurities (perceived or actual) affect their styling choices — and that ranges from hair to makeup to clothes. Yes, we’re all visual creatures, but you would think that with time and maturity would come a deeper understanding and appreciation of the person inside. I always wonder what would happen if, God forbid, the woman lost all her hair from chemo or alopecia, or if she were burned in a fire. Putting all your worth on your looks is a dangerous thing to do…and any man who’d do the same isn’t worth having for the long term.
@PW. We are all visual creatures. If we weren’t romance novels geared for women wouldn’t have half naked men on the covers. Everyone with working eyes is visual.
I could see discussing the BC with a husband but with a boyfriend of just a few weeks? No ma’am. Good for her! She has clearly moved on and the BC allowed her to see something in him that she might have missed if she’d stayed “weaved up”.
Once I read “Oh shit!” I was waiting for your second big chop – HIM -.- !
Haha =’D
LOL
That part had me cracking up though.
http://ammamama.wordpress.com/
Anyone who is familiar with my posts already knows my story. So glad the author and other commenters kicked to the curb anyone who doesn’t accept their authentic self. Someone I know got duped into fitting the LSLH (light skin long hair) criteria by an old BF, and I think it imprisons then to this day. They have gotten texturizers & lied about it being their natural texture, despite having long hair, wears hair pieces & during certain styles say they are going for the” biracial” look. They are not. Honestly, I don’t have the patience at this point to explain better to them…
NICE ARTICLE
…
I had the same reaction back in 09 when I bc’d. His initial reaction was shock, and “What did you do to your hair?!” We had a lot of ups and downs, but he eventually got used to it. We are actually still together, but our relationship in now on the rocks for other reasons, not the hair.
GOOD FOR YOU CUT HIM OFF! GOD ALLOWS FOR YOU TO SEE THAT HE AINT “ONE” FOR U. HE ONLY LOVED THE IDEA OF YOUR HAIR BEING LONG, NOT YOUR PERSONALITY, WHAT YOU WANT OR NEED. HE DIDN’T CARE WHATEVER PLEASE U
men can be like that sometimes
I love how men can say or do any damn unsavory thing and a woman responds, “Well, that’s just how they are :-)” RMFE
Yes, I had the same experience with my now ex-boyfriend. He was making all kinds of side comments about my hair post bc and it started to get on my nerves so I chopped him. My new love ADORES my hair and showers me with compliments daily!
LOOL!!! The pun. ” so I chopped him”