by
Black Girl With Long Hair
*UPDATE* Corey’s wife, Chutney, has responded to this piece. Be sure to check it out here.
By Dr Corey Guyton of The Genuine Scholar
When I met my wife, she was everything I wanted in a woman. She was educated, Black, took great care of herself, and had long flowy hair.
As a youngster, I was always encouraged by older men, my peers, and even some women to find a woman who had “good hair”. Equipped with this advice, my wife’s hair was the icing on the cake to complement her other wonderful qualities.
After dating for a while, my world got turned upside down as my wife uttered these dreadful words…”I am thinking about going natural”. At this point I thought, what is a man to do when his wife is thinking about getting rid of the icing on the cake? Now, I had seen tons of women who were natural and I admired their look (one of those women being my mother), but for some reason I did not feel natural was for my woman.
As the days went by, I progressively started researching as much as I could about the entire natural process to figure out what in the heck my wife was about to do to herself. As I learned more and more about the process, my mind started playing tricks on me. The questions in my mind began to transform from being about why my wife would want to be natural to why did I want to keep her from being natural. This is the point I started evaluating myself instead of my wife.
So the million dollar question is why did I want to keep my wife from embracing her natural hair?
Insecurity
The truth is that I was insecure. I was insecure in the fact that my wife had to cut her hair. I was insecure in the fact that she would have a TWA (Tiny Weeny Afro). And I was insecure in the fact that she could possibly look different. The underlying issue was that I was not comfortable in my own manhood, because subconsciously, I felt I would be less of a man if my wife did not have long flowy hair. It was not about her, it was about me and my insecurities.
Blinded
I was blinded by so many things including Eurocentric values, the media, and my own people.
The Reality
I am blessed to have a wife who challenged me by not giving in to my insecurities. Her journey of rediscovering herself was a pivotal point in my life because I also discovered myself through the process. I broke free of oppression and am now one of the biggest advocates for my beautiful sistas returning to their natural roots. Since the blinders are off, I would not want my wife to be any way other than natural.
Moral of the article is brothers support our beautiful natural queens and sistas embrace your natural beauty!
For more of Corey’s writings, check out his website The Genuine Scholar. Also check out his free e-book Supporting Your Queen on Her Journey of Returning to Being Natural.
195 Responses
Aww
awww
av just loved this
Beautiful article so well written. Shame there is ABWS all over the comments *yawn*
You’re honesty and openness are inspiring. Your wife has a strong supportive black man by her side, amen to that.
Our fears do not define us, how we tackle and deal with them does.
Ps your wife is a beautiful woman
🙂
On the plus side, I think that he is superficially honest in expressing his lack of interest in natural hair. His insecurities are ethnocentric but he blames it on Eurocentric culture. What I mean is this: There are many Eurocentric men that love natural women and the beautiful soft natural hair of a black woman. They don’t want the weaves and other barriers that keep them from partaking in a woman’s authentic beauty. The messages that are in media are vanity-centric. They center around competition, hair texture, length, body shape and size…this is a very American way of thinking and THAT is the thinking he bought into, yet he blames it on European ideals that have no basis in such prejudices.
My husband who is “Eurocentric” (by this man’s definition), Caucasian, spent time living and studying in Europe, speaking German, with a family that never saw interracial marriage until he and his older brother married beautiful black women encouraged me to go natural. He washes my hair, helps me oil it and encourages my natural journey completely. His family loves my hair, are kind and complementary. So, I am unsure that a Eurocentric viewpoint is to blame for his myopic idea that women who are natural would make him less of a man. I believe that it is enslavement by his own conscious choice, a secret embarrassment of his own heritage that led him to the confining space of his thoughts.
All hair is beautiful and all women possess beauty just for being alive. It takes an eye that loves it’s own reflection to recognize such a truth.
Yes!
#preach
On the plus side, I think that he is superficially honest in expressing his lack of interest in natural hair. His insecurities are ethnocentric but he blames it on Eurocentric culture. What I mean is this: There are many Eurocentric men that love natural women and the beautiful soft natural hair of a black woman. They don’t want the weaves and other barriers that keep them from partaking in a woman’s authentic beauty. The messages that are in media are vanity-centric. They center around competition, hair texture, length, body shape and size…this is a very American way of thinking and THAT is the thinking he bought into, yet he blames it on European ideals that have no basis in such prejudices.
My husband who is “Eurocentric” (by this man’s definition), Caucasian, spent time living and studying in Europe, speaking German, with a family that never saw interracial marriage until he and his older brother married beautiful black women encouraged me to go natural. He washes my hair, helps me oil it and encourages my natural journey completely. His family loves my hair, are kind and complementary. So, I am unsure that a Eurocentric viewpoint is to blame for his myopic idea that women who are natural would make him less of a man. I believe that it is enslavement by his own conscious choice, a secret embarrassment of his own heritage that led him to the confining space of his thoughts.
All hair is beautiful and all women possess beauty just for being alive. It takes a eye that loves it’s own reflection to recognize such a truth.
Dr. Dixon I am happy for you but not everyone Eurocentric person embrace afro textured hair. The advertising industries has a lot of influence on people’s perception of beauty.
Took the words out of my mouth!
That’s great for you but to pretend that Black people or any minority is traditionally included in the European beauty standard is simply untrue. Light skin blacks with long hair were literally valued more by slave owners, they’re more likely to get hired. Until recently the African model was more about exoticism than beauty. Let’s not pretend that is an unfounded POV.
I’ll be honest, apart from inspiring debate amongst women, the article is kinda pointless here. It needs to be in a men’s magazine or on a site that men frequent often, if we want other men to also examine the source of their preferences.
Otherwise, it was a decent read, the woman is BEAUTIFUL with the little fro (was pretty but, IMO, kinda forgettable before) and the husband is handsome too. I’m not really understanding the comments on his looks, unless there were other pics that have since been removed.
Anyway, best of luck to the two of you. It’d be interesting to find out if they have any daughters and if so, if she/they were born before the hair transition, and if not, what this man thought about his daughters’ hair…
Lovely couple! You are both a blessing to each other. Thanks for the well-written editorial.
I thought this article was absolutely touching. It’s wonderful when folks start getting honest with themselves! I congratulate your courage to be honest and more importantly to step out and share it with us! 🙂
This is awesome! He articulates what so many men think. The natural journey does have an impact on our partners, friends, and colleagues. It isn’t their experience or business, necessarily, but they certainly have opinions about the process and those opinions are formed/fed by media, images, etc. I appreciate this brother’s perspective.
WOW!This article is so refreshing! I admire his willingness to reevaluate himself, and the fact that he even shared his story.
luv this article!
I appreciate his honesty and honesty is so refreshing. The thing is that often in relationships that last each partner goes through a growth cycle. Sometimes people can’t stand the new person that has emerged and other times, the other partner grows to accept the changes. When people get married they make a commitment to grow together. It is obvious that they are growing together and that is so wonderful. Great story!
Great article and worth sharing. It would be nice to see more male commentary here but I will remain hopeful that the seed takes root. Thank you
It’s sad and unfortunate that a lot of black men actually think this way. This could be the reason for the rise in black women dating outside of their race. It’s sad that most black men want a woman who fits the Eurocentric profile and won’t even look twice at a woman with natural hair. Brothers, you seriously have got to do better.
You’re telling the brothers to do better but how long has it taken black women to do better for ourselves? Also, a lot of black women feed this nonsense to their male children, teaching them to lust after women with “good” hair.
I don’t think we should generalize as to why more black women are dating outside of their race. There are those of us who date the person not the skin color. Often times it has nothing to do with a black man not accepting us at all. And, as natural hairstyles become more prevalent in our society, the acceptance will grow amongst all groups. I’ve had men of different races smile and flirt with me. And the black sista queen comments are always lovely from black men. It just feels especially wonderful.
THIS.
I’ve been with my (white, British) boyfriend for over 2 years now, and it bugs me when I have to explain or justify why I’m not dating a black man. Plain and simple: he is intelligent, attractive, looks after himself and is proud to have me on his arm. On top of that, he’s been my biggest cheerleader as I’ve tried to grow my natural hair (and has even started to adopt some natural hair care practices, like cowashing instead of shampooing lol)
I’m sorry but i think you’re incorrect, the majority of white men i have seen have only liked me because of my (was) relaxed hair, but then i know not all men are like that. You can’t group black men into one group and say they only like straight hair then say men out side of our race accept black women for who we are that’s very ignorant and hypocritical.
STFU B! White men will always accept us for who we are over black men everyone knows that they prefer us Black Women over their own white women you would be a fool not to know that. SMH
That is a lie!!! You have some that don’t mind being with black women but a lot of them prefer their own race or other nationalities.
In this country, most definitely there are a lot of white men who “prefer their own”. You don’t see as many American caucasian men dating black women as you see in Europe. That being said, I think that it’s folly to lump all men of any ethnic background into one category. There are some who are accepting and some who are not.
What’s with the hate? Articulate yourself instead of cursing at someone. SMH #keyboardthug
He IS doing better, wtf are you saying? Black women need to better for themselves too. The men only know what we show them!
Great article!
I only wish he went straight for honesty and simply said what he really wanted to say: he thought that a twa would make his wife “look like a man or manly”. He was also afraid that other people would think that he was with a man.
Period.
Anyway, her big chop truly brings out her beautiful face, features, and gorgeous glowing skin.
It’s wonderful that he’s giving her the support that she sought.
Thank you for sharing such an intimate time in your life 🙂
It takes much courage to challenge ourselves, but to actively work towards addressing an issue (an issue that is generally seen as acceptable around us)and expressing that to the people you care about, let alone the wider world . . . . is very commendable. Well done!!
Some of these comments are just… WOW…. *smh*
I think some of ya’ll just want to be mad at black men period.
Jesus take the wheel…
I love this!!!
Some of these comments…Ladies, first it is commendable that he is willing to admit he felt that way and that through educating himself about natural hair, introspection and love for his wife, he was able to overcome his hangups. Why should all black men be made out to be unappreciative of black women for the ignorance of some? That’s just ridiculous. That’s just as ridiculous as writing off all men because of the actions of one. The black men I’ve dated have been respectful and treated me well. Men who show no respect, regardless of race, I don’t give the time of day. You have to stop bad mouthing ALL black men. I’m sure you don’t like it when ALL black women get painted negatively, so stop it.
Um…sweetie you got a brother or cousin?? LOL! It’s great for you to affirm your wife’s beauty as God made her, the beauty of black women as God made us. Despite the fact that most black women would say they don’t need anyone’s approval of their black hair (which is true) we can’t deny that it is always welcomed that our men embrace our natural beauty. Continually affirming and embracing encourages younger generations to see our natural selves as the accepted norm. It eventually won’t be such a challenge and take so much time for our kids to accept their natural selves.
Stories like these are the reason why I do no date black men.
Your wife is beautiful both ways. You can see her beauty and her heart in her smile. So glad you came around to the “real” world. This was a great post. That was brave of you to accept your point of view and make changes. Thank you.
I really don’t see why people are getting so worked up about this new “natural hair” craze…. If someone decides to “go natural” then so be it. I am very tired of persons trying to find fault with the persons who do relax their hair making comments such as “people don’t accept who they are”, “they are giving into the pressure of what is said to be beautiful by the non-negro society”, “lack of self worth” …… OH PLEASE!!!…. I suspect that the persons who have to make a big scene when they are going natural are the ones suffering with the above and hence are trying to rally support. I am a negro and had very long natural hair. But my hair type made it very difficult to handle me hair… Cutting only meant it would grow back longer and thicker. It eventually got so damaged since as a result of my busy lifestyle hadn’t the time to take care of it (steam, untangle, etc) and I hadn’t the time to style it either since it was too much. Braiding wasn’t an option since my hair wouldn’t stay neat past 3 days again because of my hair type. Getting my hair relaxed has been the best thing to happen to me. No more damage, and YES is spend less time caring for my hair and get better results contrary to popular belief. So please stop making relaxer look like a crime to each his own…. If I get to a point where I have time on my hands I don’t mind going back to my roots but till such time I thank God for relaxer…. and whoever wants to go natural just do it without creating such a scene and trying to turn people against relaxer due to your own insecurities.
I completely agree that this whole ‘natural is best’ attitude is extremely tiring. When I was growing up I thought I wanted swishy hair just like my white friends and hated when my mum put my hair in braids or cornrows though my hair has been relaxed for as long as I can remember. Now however I mostly just like the versatility and relative ease with which I can handle my hair. I know myself well enough that at this stage in my life there is no way I could handle my hair natural and transition or do a big chop or anything like that…..and I am ok with that!! I’m not staying relaxed because I want to be like white europeans…..I’m staying relaxed because it’s my hair and I’ll damn well do what I like with it. No one black, white, blue or green has the right to dictate to another person what their own ‘ideal’ is! I see so many girls rocking their natural hair and it looks amazing just as I see relaxed girls rocking it too…who the hell is anyone to judge?!?!?!
TRUTH BE TOLD relaxers were introduced because our hair is “unmanageable” and “undesirable” so relaxed hair mimic European hair…take it or leave it!!!!!!!…and if your choice is to mimic European hair Bravo so be it its YOUR business…
relaxed women who make angry comments on a natural hair site and then talk about insecurities… lol if you like your hair relaxed so be it it’s no one business. spare us those kind of comments.
why are you on a NATURAL hair website complaining that people are making a big deal about going natural? when u click on BGLH do u want to see a post that says Natural Hair:keep it moving, nothing to see here?
This sister has a right to wear her hair however she wants. The real point is that her husband was able to affirm his wife’s beauty and support her choice, despite the negative messages he had been given about natural hair. It is undeniable that Black women go through all kinds of changes about their hair connected with racism. My wife has beautiful natural hair (dreadlocks) and I love it. She wears it like a crown and gets compliments all true time. But however you choose to wear your hair, be at peace with it.
One if the dumbest things American Black women (notice I didn’t say African American just like I don’t refer to whites European Americans) is to wear fake hair. But then again, i can imagine how years of conditioning can do to someone. It made west Africans call French their mother tongue. It’s dis appointing people in position like Oprah and Tyra banks can’t lead the positive role. Bunch of self serving tools they are. There is no such a thing as a bad hair, every hair has its challenges and opportunities. You just gotta learn how to bring the best out of it.
~African
Men and women, black, white, regardless of race or gender have been wearing wigs and hair pieces for centuries. Why have a problem with black women wearing “fake” hair (other than when covering their own hair permanently at all times)?
I know, right? I mean, who here has ever seen a depiction of Louis XIV WITHOUT his wig? LOL
My boyfriend was very supportive of me going natural. Granted, we’re not on the level of marriage, I had relaxed hair, which grew to be pretty long during the two and a half years we’d dated before I cut it off. He’s never shown anything less than appreciation and respect for me from my TWA to my shoulder length curls today. Much respect to this man for using his wife’s experience as a lesson and sharing that lesson with us!
Growing up I was told by an elder that a person’s preferences are usually their prejudices. That is true many times, judging someone because of their hair and skin is so very sad, how about getting to know someone and form a conclusion on that individual.That’s too mature!!
Thanks for speaking out about this and your wife is gorgeous,her natural hair is the real icing on the cake.
I really liked reading this article, especially coming from a Black man perspective. I wish him and his wife lots of blessings.
Sadly to say a lot of the women that posted previously are no better than some of the black men that dislike ‘nappy’/natural hair.
Why do some of you feel the need to say, “well black men didn’t appreciate xyz about me but my white/ non-black significant other does “. I noticed also how a lot of you are so proud to say that non- black men compliment you &your natural hair and so forth and in the same breath put down ALL black men because of the few who didn’t like your hair. There are plenty of black men who appreciate dark skin and natural hair, so there’s no reason to put down your whole race just because one white/ non- black man is interested in you..
Some of you measure your own self worth according to the likes and dislikes of white people. Basically saying that you and all black people are inferior to white people.
There’s so much self hate and insecurity spewed in here..
I married an Cuban, and he loves me, and in turn m hair, just as much as my black father and brothers, uncles and cousins who have never negatively commented me or put down my hair…unlike the women in my family. Most of the earlier comments on the post were of the mothers disliking their daughters hair choice more than the accepting, proud black fathers. Geesh. My brother loves accents, which could be one from Africa, Asia, Russia, etc, and another one loves extremely curly hair, and the youngest loves women who love animals and the outdoors. The women on here who marry whomever, just sound like they love the MEN who love them back and accept them without any hang-ups. Not self hate. More so love. Just loving who they love. Just as men like to experiment with haircuts and styles, and beards or other facial hair styles. At the end of the day, it’s about accepting yourself and the people who accept you as well. Whatever nationality they may be.
You’re in denial.. Many of these women put down black men and seek approval from white men. That is indeed coon behavior and self hate.
*self-hatred
i agree that white people are the ones who made black people believe the way they were made was wrong. but we’re in the 21st century now and there are still many black people (including many black men not a small minority) who judge negatively all the features that are too black. all alone. there isn’t a white person behind every black person who dislikes natural hair. when a black man thinks he can only be with a woman who looks a certain way it’s not white people fault you should really encourage people to take their responsibilities instead of acting like eternal children.
it’s indeed really surprising that some (not all) white people are able to like natural hair when many black people/men can’t but it’s a reality. now you can want to change that or you can go on crying self hate everytime someone points this out.
Bonita you do have a point about programmed self hate in the black community. But self hate or inferiority complex is not only a black thing. There are plenty of other ethnic groups of men and women who have the same struggles with self love or self acceptance. There are Latin, Indian, Asian groups of people who bleach their skin or frown upon the darker skinned people in their race, just like their are some Latin people who classify themselves as white and deny their Hispanic/Latin heritage. So again self hate is not only a black thing. Just saying
so pointing the attitude of some “brothers” is self-hate? did someone state that all white men liked natural hair and all black men hated it? if so those people are wrong indeed.
i’m less surprised of a white man who hates natural than a black man who hates it i think you can understand why. one would expect black men to be much more supportive than other men but the thing is it’s not alwayss the case. how is pointing that self hate?
will you deny that many pick on women according to their skin color and/or hair texture? sometimes people who point that something is wrong just want change as shocking as it may look to you.
Many are making the inference that ALL other races including white men LOVE natural hair. In this process they are demeaning & putting down ALL black men because of a very small minority who don’t prefer their natural hair. This is were the issue of self- hate arises.
It’s very ironic how the very same people (white society) who programmed black people to hate everything about themselves (the color of their skin, their wide noses, their big lips, and their ‘nappy’ hair) are given so much praise and credit for so called ‘liking’ your hair more than other black people.
Regardless if we are in the 21st century or not, you can’t disregard the residual psychological effects of slavery on African Americans in the present day. If you’re constantly treated badly because of the color of your skin and everything that makes you Black, you would then begin to see yourself as being inferior to white people. In return, you would hate everything about yourself (skin color, broad nose, big lips, and the hot topic issue your natural hair).. This self hate is passed down from generation to generation, creating a cycle. You can’t place more blame on black men when many women also don’t even like their own hair. On this very site you would see comments of women talking badly about their God giving hair.
The psychological effects of slavery and racism is indeed prevalent in the black community. You can’t just say ‘oh that’s in the past and were in the 21st century’ smh
The past and present history of black people in America are indeed linked.
Don’t disregard your history!!
please read my comment again i’m not disregarding history i know history really well but if you don’t think that nowadays your kids self-confidence as well as yours depend for a great part on you, then i propose we just stop that conversation here.
i wouldn’t be comfortable in my own skin if my parents did not teach me to. and i know the world is tough.
i repeat that everytime a black person thinks negatively about your physical appearance (and his/hers at the same time) there’s isn’t a white person standing behind with a gun. apparently we don’t agree on the fact that black people have the power to change their mentalities instead of waiting for the world to change before them.
You’re making no sense, I already explain its the PSYCOLOGICAL effects of slavery. What’s with the nonsense of ‘there’s no white person standing behind with a gun’. It’s already in the heads of many black people that their blackness is ugly.
It’s a generational CYCLE
Your still disregarding how seriously slavery has messed up African Americans. It is definitely evident nowadays and also due to the effects of racism.
You’re showcasing coon behavior.
i’m showcasing coon behavior because i’m stating that black people are the ones who can reverse the power of the psychochological effects of slavery? you my friend have found the perfect argument bye now and thanks for that highly interesting discussion i don’t think we can understand each other.
Bonita’s opinion, which was clearly polarizing needed to be expressed. Eurocentric beauty is the ideal for most men in this country– black, white, asian– whatever. Obviously whites have been instrumental in creating and perpetuating this dynamic (just as minorities have self-regulated in a way that similarly perpetuates it). In short, I think it’s unfair to hold black men to one standard with respect to acceptance of Afrocentric beauty and to hold white men to another. Yes, many black men prefer straighter hair, lighter skin, and more European features; but so do many white men and asian men and latino men. Ladies– You can appreciate a white man’s acceptance of your natural beauty without denigrating black men generally and ignoring the black men who do embrace afrocentric beauty. I think what these comments often betray is a deep sense of hurt that black women feel about being rejected by their own men. But ladies, there is power in loving who loves you and doing away with any expectation that a black man/ white man will appreciate you more or less than any other man.
I think everyone struggling with this issue should listen to this youtube post by the vlogger xoDVF:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-roFoAp-jo&list=PL3_T7bx3nKv5qbMVJS_3GQFKN1jasFEFj
Very profound and on point.
there are many naturals in interracial relationships who aren’t “hurt to be rejected by their own men” and there are black women who are with black men and do not care about those who hold eurocentric ideals. why is that people can’t express themseves and a problem that does exist without being psychoanalyzed and without anyone jumping on their throats saying how much they might be insecure because “thay bad mouth black men and worship white men”? do you think that ill mentality is going to disappear like that?
Really happy for both of you. Well, I’ve been natural since 2010 and I’m really pleased with my hair now but I struggled in the first 2 yrs following my ‘big chop’ because every time I was in a social gathering I found that my hair became the topic of discussion. It’s just hair – I couldn’t understand why I had to defend myself for not wearing a weave. The most popular question was “when are you going to fix your hair”, from black men and women. I still get that now but I respond more positively. Luckily my husband has alway been supportive; in fact, he encouraged me to go natural after watching Good Hair! LOL He was worried about the effect of relaxers long term.. He is white, but I don’t think race has anything to do with it. Some people are only with their partners because of their looks and sadly, will struggle to accept change.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/image-46.jpg[/img]
Your hair is gorgeous
I like this article and commend the author for exploring the root of his own attitude towards natural hair.
My perception is that many in the Black community think that a woman does not look well-groomed if she wears her hair in its natural kinky state. So when a woman wants to go natural the knee-jerk thought process is often “why do you purposely want to look unkempt?”. This disgust for the way our hair grows out of our head sometimes truly baffles me. It’s not as if we decided to stop shaving our armpits and trek the world wearing spaghetti-tops. I know that’s a strange comparison, but the effects of mental slavery have seriously skewed what Black people consider to be a well-groomed appearance.
The story of the author reminds me of the discussion I had with my husband about cutting my dreadlocks. I’ve been natural almost all my life and had locks for about 6.5 years. When I met my husband in Nigeria my locks were very long, healthy looking and beautiful. In the part of Nigeria where I’m from not many women have locks and many think that their afro-textured hair does not grow very long. So when I went to Nigeria to visit home, most people admired the length and fullness of my locks. At some point I experienced the 5-year-itch. I wanted to cut my locks, and have fun with loose natural hair again. Whenever I discussed this wish with my husband he tried to dissuade me or he’d suggest I wait until some time in the future.
I could understand him, because he’d never seen me without my long pretty locks and I could sense he was a bit unsure about how he would find me with a TWA. My husband doesn’t particularly like straightened hair and a bit sadly he told me that I would have to relax my hair if I cut it, because loose natural hair is too coarse to comb. So I explained that I never had any trouble detangling my hair when I was a loose natural. Ease of detangling just depends on the products and combs one uses.
One day I was on a trip away from my husband and simply tired of ‘waiting’. I took a pair of scissors and cut off my locks. The next day I went to a barbershop to have my TWA cut into a nice shape. I then made a photo of myself and sent it to my husband via Whatsapp. He was a bit upset at first, joking that I hadn’t asked him for permission. But he has gradually accepted my choice and now thinks I look kinda cute with my short hair.
can’t come down hard on the brothers when the women are no better
except in this case, the woman was better.
It saddens me that this man couldn’t just be at peace with the fact that he had a preference for ‘long, flowy hair’. He had to turn it into an insecurity in his part. If he’s happy and his wife are happy then I’m happy for them, but there would be absolutely nothing wrong with this man if he didn’t prefer his wife have a ‘teeny weeny afro’
Sure, it is fair to say she was beautiful before…but he was exploring why he was scared for her to change her hair back to its natural state. Besides, preferences don’t come from out of the blue. There is no universal truth of beauty…what we prefer is learned. I think it’s great that he stopped and asked why he would prefer long, straight hair to his wife’s natural hair.
He wasn’t bullied into liking his wife’s hair. He evaluated his thoughts and realized he had them due to an unrealistic European expectation of his wife’s hair. Black women are NOT white. He examined his reason for preference of long flowy hair and realized in his situation it was the insecurity of not having the “chick with the long hair”. It wasn’t that there is something wrong with long flowy hair, but it is a sense of denial to not realize that black women’s hair is not naturally sleek and flowy. It would be the equivalent of him not liking his wife’s skin color, nose or lips.
FINALLY A REAL ARTICLE AND NOT THE CRAP YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN POSTING LATELY. KUDOS TO THIS BROTHER AND HOPE MORE WILL COME TO THE SAME UNDERSTANDING
“Sadly, I tried to place those Eurocentric values on my Afrocentric queens.”
I think this quote speaks volumes to what so many of us need to understand. Natural, “Afrocentric queens” are what we were created to be. If this was understood, in my opinion, perspectives would totally change.
So true indeed… sooo true.
It’s really funny hearing Black females CLAIM that “men of other races LOVE and APPRECIATE our hair and dark skin color”. While that MAY be true for a few, if a wh. dude walks up to you and start putting his fingers in your hair and stroking your skin… did it EVER cross your mind that perhaps he may JUST wanna have sex with you??? Black people are considered “different” and “exotic” and to conquer one, will merely complete some wh. dudes fantasy. The same way they see a “new” or exotic animal and instead of admiring it’s uniqueness, they kill it and eat it?? That’s the SAME way they think about YOU.
So don’t be fooled and act like Black men do NOT appreciate the beauty of Black women and others always do… it’s a damn lie! Find a different circle of Black people to associate yourselves with and stop “slummin”.
#urbanmythsdispelled
Oh my God, some men want to have sex with women, that is so shocking and unheard of!! You’re an idiot.
LOL
Female what, dear?
If you can’t address black WOMEN properly then kindly STFU.
Actually I agree with you. I have heard LOTS of white men say things like this. They just want to have sex with a black girl to say they did it.
So apparently its “slummin” to associate with a man of a different race who a)wants to have sex with you
b) likes your for your exotic look
or both? It is not a myth that men of other races can like your hair and look just like black men can. Its because they are “men” and all men like attractive women. Most have preferences just like we have preferences about what guys we like. You have issues and despite what you think there are more than just a “few white dude” that appreciate black hair and skin just like there are tons of black men who do as well. You find so much humor when black girls say this as if its impossible, well it’s even more humorous when someone like you says something so ignorant in response to another person’s experience that they clearly have never experienced themselves.
Just Sayin
Lots of truth in your statements. People hate the truth. The blinders fall off a piece at a time. Self-worth shouldn’t come from giving yourself away. White men just want a piece and do not give 2 cents about a black woman’s soul, journey, or anything else sincere or related to the ‘black’ experience. Many females will learn the hard way. Deep down many still yearn for their acceptance so their nose is wide open.
so you prefer a black man who puts you down because of the coolor of your skin and your hair texture? you’re right only white/non-black men can harm black women because their own men all give a damn about their souls
i don’t think a black man cares anymore about my black woman’s soul than a white man.
Pigeon holing others is what leads to racism and bigotry. Just as all black men should not be labeled self hating, violent thugs, white men should not be labeled fiends who view black women as exotic fetish objects to fulfill their deviant sex fantasies. We are all human beings and should be judged on our individual merits. The fact of the matter is that in America the racial divide is a deep, festering wound which continues unhealed because of certain people who find it EASIER to place blame on others than to take responsibility for themselves and their own prejudices.
You have to question the motives of ALL men who want to ‘court’ you. There are PLENTY of black males out there who only want one thing as I am sure there are plenty of men of other races, looks, and ethnicities that only want one thing. When you date ANY person, you have to judge for yourself if this is a person who wants to get to know you or if this person is interested in one thing only & it is usually pretty easy to tell.
Excuse me miss?, but isn’t this article about a black mans story of initial resistance and eventual acceptance of his wife’s hair in it’s natural state? Although I applaud the conviction in your statement, pertaining to the topic would be much appreciated.
As far as the article is concerned, I love the fact that this man had the bravery to admit his insecurities when it came to his wife’s decision to go natural. I’ve never been with a man who has had a problem with my hair and I’ve been natural for 3 years. I’ve even had men ask if they could wash it, lol. So, I really think it depends on the men who are confident about themselves and their culture outside of the images projected in the media as what’s most desired. As a woman, living by your own standards of beauty is much more fulfilling than living by anyone else’s and having a man that supports that accepts/supports that is the icing on the cake.
They seem like a nice couple. Maybe on the weekends within the secret smells of night, she or he could wear a 20inch prayed over Remy special. Talk about being cake on the icing.
How awesome is this. Such a wonderful story of self-reflection. This is so important!
Wonderful article, I got goose pimples reading. I thank you sir and I hope that more of our men will view it through eyes like yours. God Bless
I think she is so much more beautiful now that you can see her face. I’m glad he came around in accepting her hair. We have to be mindful of our thoughts and ideals that can have a negative impact on our sons, daughters and the black community as a whole. Well said, brotha!
This was about more than hair. It was about learning who he and black women are in society. Like he said, the hair was just the icing on the cake
It’s gonna take time for a lot of us to catch on. In the meantime why even play around ? Other races love us in our natural state, why not date and marry someone who loves you for you? It may not be a black man.
Well I like this article, and am happy this man was humble enough to show his flaws to everyone and make a change. We all pre-judge at some point in our lives. The more we empower ourselves to see our natural beauty, the more we allow others to do the same. 🙂
Some of the comments here are ridiculous! Why must people ridicule a person’s honest expression of self. He “checked” himself so your negative comments are unwarranted and just plain crass. People evolve. I’m sure the very ones making negative comments have areas in which they could improve, as does everyone. We are a product of environmental influences and evolution as a result of life experiences. Get off your “nasty high horse”, forgive yourself, forgive others, and evolve.
So true Breanna, the nasty comments really aren’t warranted. And by the way, I really love the spelling of your name 🙂
Thanks!
Why do you feel the comments of others are ridiculous and have no outrage for a “brother” admitting that he wanted his wife to be a weak imitation because he was weak minded.
Why can’t people take a look at this man- WHO SOCIETY would most definitely rate as “unattractive” all around based on European AND even African American Standards as “unattractive”.
This man who is overweight, below average looking in the face and has not one single quality that rates on the attractive scale such as good hair, nice body, manly jaw or swag..had the AUDACITY to thing he could pull what society calls a DIME.
Aint nothing but self hate and his wife SETTLED for this fat walrus looking son of a gun who doesn’t & still doesn’t see her beauty.
The beautiful thing about your comment is that I am happy and my wife is happy regardless of how unattractive you may find me. I am at peace with who I am as a person and my wife love me fat and all. She may not have a great looking husband (in your eyes), but she has a husband who is completely faithful and treats her like a queen :-). God bless you.
You know, you could just stop replying them. It’s not worth it. A few of us actually appreciate the honesty in your article.
Of all comments I’m outraged by the comment above of a person who is openly showing their low self esteem by calling someone who is wonderfully and fearfully made with such ugly words that can only come out of the mouth of a DEMON(now who is ugly)I’m an African from the Motherland and sometimes I wonder why the majority of our brothers and sisters speak like this…respect for others is how we are raised and such insanity. Sir I think you are very handsome and so is your wife blessed to have you. Forget the haters they will always be there smh…And I like how you replied her as a respectful black man(and they say good black men don’t exist I aint giving up lol)
Despite what some individuals have said you are a true gentleman. I’ve seen people that were extremely attractive in the face and from the time they opened up their mouths, you know the story…. I don’t have to go there. Wish you and your wife the best. I really enjoyed reading the article.
I am not outraged with any of the comments nor his expression of his truth. Why would I be outraged with Dr. Guyton? He is simply being honest about his previous internal struggle; he educated himself and experienced change. That is great. We can learn from that. Why must we ridicule?
This ridiculous reply was totally uncalled for. You can’t possibly be a grown mature adult with that type of thinking.
Just so very sad that you had those thoughts in the first place. It’s. Hair!!!!!!! And the idea that she told you she wanted to transit–I would have never told you. You would have just came home with it all gone. My people are lost.
yes and they can find their way to self love. IT JUST TAKES TIME. Let us not give up individually (that’s how it starts, with individuals practicing radical self love)
I get it Deb. Still at the end of the day-IT’S JUST HAIR!!!!! Can’t even imagine worrying about my partner’s hair? HAIR????? GTFOH
If I came home one day and my man had started locing his hair, I’d have a huge problem. Yeah it’s ‘just a hairstyle’, but it’s one I don’t care for and one I didn’t sign up for and at the very least a conversation is in order.
If I came home and my husband had relaxed his afro, I’d be more than worried! Just hair my arse! That is not something I would accept.
ghahahahah this thread is funny – it’s just hair and it isn’t just hair. When it comes to black women, many people black and white alike expect her to make some kind of a political statement.
Natural hair is still seen as ‘militant and radical’. Primarily because it is NOT seen as the so called bullshit white (european/asian) straight standard. PAUSE Some fuckery, i’m just tryna live how i see fit. Screw your politics and whatnot.
But…it lingers. So, i say wear it out and wear it proud – however you see fit. Your spirit will soar if you feel good. Braid, fro, twist out. DO YOU ladies! If you weave too, whatever turns you on.
This was a great, and honest article. Reading this, I know that I am truly blessed. When I first met my husband (17 years ago) I had in a crochet weave. When it was time to take it out, I was nervous because I didn’t know how he was going to react to my real hair (which was relaxed and short because of damage.) When I took it out, he asked me why I waited so long to get rid of it. I was smitten.
2 years ago I decided to go natural, the big chop wasn’t necessary because my hair was already super short (halley berry short.). While others asked me “why?” and questioned my reasoning my husband was happy. I wore wigs until my hair grew to a length where I was comfortable (which he hated), and of course once the wigs came off, the comments started pouring in. Many of my black girlfriends were envious and wanted to do the same, but their husbands had already told them that they don’t like it. They rather their wife walk around in weaves, then to show their true beauty.
I feel so sorry for them.
I am so blessed to have my husband, who loves me for me. He is bi-racial (black and white), was raised by two white parents, and only dated white women before he met me. (hee, hee, you know what they say, once you go black…) So he had every reason to desire that long flowing hair… but he appreciates my beauty… and I’m ever so thankful.
Wow. I have met black womena that wanted to go natural. But haven’t because their men have expressed to me and them that they don’t like it. That was a year ago.
Since I’ve been natural my sister has gone naural and two other friends. The ones in relationships/married still wear waeve, wigs and relaxers. Nothing wrong with that but their men influence their decisions. Sometimes you gotta do what works for you and your relationship. Whatever that is…What I do with my hair is my business especially when I don’t want to put harmful chemicals on my scalp anymore. My man/husband has no say on this.
My hubby doesn’t care what my hair is in. He likes it when its freshly washed and froed out, if its braided, when I relaxed it, what-ever. He even expressed that he would make love to my head if I decided to shave it balled. Lol, he loves me for me and doesn’t let what’s on my head define me. I’m glad that he was honest about his thoughts about natural hair and his experience with his wife and her hair journey. He has educated himself and is telling the tale and he is getting backlash for telling the truth and then saying that he has grown from his experience. Its sad that we are bashing him for that.
He doesn’t get a pat on the back for admitting he had/has issues with his wife’s hair. He is seeking comfort because he never stopped having issues with her hair. This man is superficial & a narcissist. Get over yourself.
I love this article!My fiance has only seen me with natural hair and loves it.His mother has been natural all her life and has had locs for 13yrs,so he appreciates natural hair.
I would like to respond to some of the ladies in the comment section.I hear natural women always saying “black men don’t like my hair/skin tone,men of other races LOVE my hair!”. Ladies you have to understand that those standards of beauty are put into black people’s minds by OTHER races.Now I’m not excusing the black men that live by those standards,I’m not.But you have to understand where the mentality comes from.We as naturals even have that mentality sometimes.Some of us only want long 3a/3b hair.We want Tracee Ellis Ross hair lol.We have to start educating our children and our community about OUR beauty.We have to start loving ourselves…..and the men will follow 😉
My father is a man that likes long hair. With that being said, he doesn’t care about the texture, he just likes LONG and grown from your own head if possible. He doesn’t really like weaves, but he can deal with extensions. I don’t think black men don’t like all that you said above, but I heard from a black men, its our attitude the most. I was not offended cause I don’t really have that attitude unless I need to have it. I was not raised in that atmosphere, so its not me. I do see what he was talking about at times we can be quite intense, but I thankfully have never been with a black man that didn’t like me because of my hair. I completely agree that other race men Love my Café Ole. When I was in the Military men of other races were always approaching me wanting to stroke my skin and put their hands in my hair. It was nice. I still have the same reaction with my husband, so I’m sittin pretty.
I think you meant, “cafe au lait”. Please don’t use a term if you don’t know the correct spelling. You could have just said you had a lighter complexion.
LMAO!!!!!!!
I thought she was talking about a bullfight or something. Olé! LMAO!!
Honestly, this is why I don’t even entertain Black men. What we’re supposed to applaud his for no-longer finding his wife’s hair disgusting? Why are we the only race of women that accepts this type of treatment?
I don’t accept that treatment. My mother doesn’t accept that treatment. I think it comes down to people’s self- esteem not the race. I commend him because he is being honest about his feelings about how he viewed hair and so forth. I like when people are honest. We may not always like the honesty, but at least I know.
Yes. Black men think they deserve an applause for doing things that every other color of men on Earth do. Black man takes care of his child, he deserves an applause? Black man dates black woman, he deserves an applause? SMH!!!!
But aren’t we all here ‘applauding’ Black women for having healthy, natural long hair?
If you understand the reasons why our sisters need the ‘applause’, support and appreciation, then you should understand the reasons why our brothers deserve the same reaction when they love our natural hair.
Amazing how he can be fat, bald and basically average to the utmost degree and still decide that HE deserves “BEAUTY”.
Once again more proof that Black man need to stop being brainwashed by the fakest of EUROCENTRIC images force fed thru movies, tvs and radio.
The fact that the thinnest, deadest looking flat straight hair that barely touches someones shoulder is considered “long” & “flowy”.. Is oh so sad..SMH
Just like those chicks with ear or neck length hair, saying I don’t want to cut all my hair off- if an inch is trimmed. SMH
you’re from LSA huh?
LMAO SO TRUE
I think your points would have been received better, had they been phrased differently.
I get the point you are making that you don’t consider him a prize and yet he has demands on his wife to live up to the prize title?
Thank you!!! I was thinking the EXACT same thing. He ought to work on himself too if he demands such high physical standards of women.
Such a great example of hypocrisy at its best. I had a perception of what beauty was in my past life that you did not agree with and you attack me but clearly you have your perception of beauty based on the ways you just listed off what makes me unattractive. Clearly this is a hypocritical response because you used my size and hair (bald)as a way to define beauty. So I assume the non bald brothers are better than the brothers with bald heads (the irony). You attack a brother like me for admitting that I had these type views, but you fail to realize that prior to returning to being natural a lot of sisters have the same views about themselves; hence, the reasons they go through a period of discovering themselves before they make the decision. You also stated, “black men need to stop being brainwashed by the fakest of Eurocentric images force fed through movies, tvs, and radios”…when one becomes educated and decides to stop, you attack him…hmmmm, interesting. Although you worked to tear me down, I wish nothing but blessings for you.
I appreciate Dr. Guyton’s courage in exposing his early thoughts; and further that he was willing to learn, question his thinking and examine his biases because he loves and values his wife.
When some of us say, “It’s NOT just hair,” maybe his words will help others realize why.
Some people would like to deny the negative experiences that many of us have, and how the largest negativity often comes from our family and ethnic or cultural community at large. When some black women are concerned that they will be perceived negatively by many — if not most — black men (regardless of education), they have legitimate reason to think so.
How we may deal with it is a separate discussion.
Best comment in this whole section!
Agreed!
This is a great article to read. I am of mixed background and always had long hair and had been convinced all my life that to have straight hair was the image of beauty I should aspire to, so straightened it from a very early age. When it began to get damaged and thin, I shaved it and cut it off and then wore weaves. It took my south american boyfriend to bring up questions of looking into myself and asking why I felt I needed to wear hair that was straight, or use straighteners on mine and to tell me that beauty was in my natural hair texture. He pointed out the eurocentricism imposed on non european women, including his own, which meant that they needed to deny their indigenous american or african roots by altering features. Since going natural about 5 months ago I havent looked back and now understand the harmful eurocentric ideas of beauty on us. Great to see a brother understanding and embracing it, I hope for there to be many more who do so and understand and appreciate the beauty in africanness to pass onto their wives, sisters and children
It’s funny how he said she had long flowing hair and then he should that picture, which isn’t really that long. It’s interesting what so many people in our community considered long because it’s a rarity to see real long hair past our armpits that is not weave or hair pieces. So to him, that was long.
But I am glad he is supporting her hair now.
Well Ava, unfortunately, many of our people (Black people) usually in poorer communities, don’t take care of their hair and the average length is about 3 inches or so. So whenever they see someone with shoulder length hair, it’s considered and accomplishment and if it was lucky enough to grow past the shoulders, it’s considered “long”. I grew up in the hood and this is average Black conversation regarding hair. But I’m with you, it’s not “long” per se, but in the hood, it’s considered long.
Funny thing… I have locks that are about 3 1/2 feet long. When I’m around Black ppl from other countries, they ASSUME I have fake hair, because to THEM “Black hair doesn’t naturally grow that long…”. I dont get offended, but I take into consideration the state of the person’s hair commenting on mines and where I came from, where that kinda thought-process was considered normal.
I understand where the blogger is coming from, because Black boys ALSO grew up hearing their mothers with that same talk. I also understand and agree with you and I too am sooooo glad that he realized his ways and is supporting his beeeeautiful Queen!!
Not that this is the focus of the article but I think that that hair is long flowy hair for any race.
Shoulder length hair is long. I mean, it’s not short is it. Is it?
Love this! I am so blessed that my husband had none of these hang-ups. I know had he it would have effected my acceptance of myself as a natural. The thing that irritates me most is that celebrities who ‘define’ beauty standards wear weave and unenhanced would not meet their own standards of beauty. It is really frustrating to struggle against a false reality.
By the way, your wife is BEAUTIFUL! Congratulations to you both on a healthy marriage.
Dammit, cut me off…
Anyways my mouth is to smart to take those comments during down. I don’t care off its Momma, someone would be getting checked (respectfully of course). I had some folks try to talk smack when I went natural at work & I shut it down so fast, word must’ve spread cause it NEVER happened again…
I feel like hugging you! Hehehehe i can imagine
What idiots!
Very wonderful and insightful article.
TO THE COMMENTERS: Some of the comments you’ve said family and friends have made about you going and being natural, did you say anything in response? Cause LAWD knows my mouth is to smart to take some of
Love this article! I appreciate black men who are mature enough to appreciate & support natural hair!!
This story is soo cute because I keep hearing just the opposite! My man hates long hair and weaves and wants my nappy head all day long. Even my friends’ husbands admire my fro and commend me for it. He is man enough to admit he felt insecure and I applaud him for accepting her choice.
Thank you for sharing your story. God bless you and your wife!
So many people are afraid to be honest with themselves, and we are also afraid of the unknown. He didn’t know what she was going to look like with natural hair, so it is understandable for him to have reservations about it especially when your use to seeing something the same way for years. I think we need to ease up on the brothers about them needing to accept our natural hair “This is me, this is who I am, he needs to accept me or step”. We need to understand that they have seen and dated women for YEARS with straight hair and now all of a sudden they get afros and cornrows! Give them time sisters, they will come around, heck pretty soon they won’t really have a choice!
My ovaries don’t have time though! Lol!
I’m only half joking…
I applaud this brother for his honesty! When I was transitioning, I never did the big chop, I just grew my relaxer out slowly but shortly, but my husband probably would have had the same thoughts as this gentleman if I had decided to do the big chop. I applaud any women who has taken the step to chop it all off, because at the time that I decided to go natural, I didn’t have the courage to do so either.
It’s sad to hear that any man would have this kind of mentality, honestly. I certainly wouldn’t marry a “man” who thought negatively about my natural hair, about HIS OWN natural hair. I know the story turned out well (I guess). However, I wouldn’t entertain any “man” telling me how I should look or dress.
I find other races absolutely love natural hair, short or long. Black “men” only like long hair (permed, weaved, natural). I think it’s a sign of someone who is insecure in their manhood. Since when does short hair make anyone less a woman? Apparently it does, according to the perspective of many black men. Sad. Do they not have enough sense to understand that hair grows?
I’ve been with my (non-black) boyfriend for two years. He has seen me with short, big-chopped hair and all the way to today’s gigantic fluffy fro’s and defined braidouts. Never did he make me feel like less of a woman or person. He is naive and boyish in many ways (we’re 20 yo college students). However, not ONCE did he suggest that my hair made him feel less manly or made me less womanly. Quiet the opposite, I always feel like a beautiful human being with him.
Well good for you but that’s not what this article is about. It’s not about all the triflin black men who told you your hair was less than.
It’s about one black man who was brave enough to turn against the cultural tide, be self-reflective and admit his own prejudice.
Good for you and your non-black boyfriend, but that isn’t really relevant here.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I don’t want this thread to turn into a “rag on all black men” thread. The FACT is that most black women are currently married to black men, so this is a relevant and meaningful reflection for us.
I am all for black women dating and marrying interracially, and finding men who love them for who they are. But that’s not what this post is about.
I wrote three paragraphs and only one of them (the last one at that) was about my experience with dating and natural hair. I know my comment may have struck a nerve with you, but to say it’s irrelevant is simply untrue. I’m addressing everything that was talked about in the article (first two paragraphs) then I add my personal experience.
And obviously this article — this man’s heartfelt reflection that took a lot of GUTS to admit publicly — struck a nerve with YOU, if you felt the need to start talking about how black dudes hate your hair and you found love with your non-black boo.
As a black woman, married to a black man, who reads and comments regularly in the black blogosphere, I’ve noticed a troubling trend of people in interracial relationships jumping in on threads that have to do with black relationships to talk about how they are NOT in a black relationship…. Why?
My husband is not perfect. He has issues with being a black man in America. He feels the effect of the self hate within the black community. But I made a CHOICE to be with him, with my eyes wide open. I know that I could have married a white guy who, yes, might have embraced my hair with more enthusiasm. But I also know that embracing natural hair does not a marriage make.
I dated interracially before I married my husband. He simply was the perfect fit. And now, as his wife, I take on his struggle and, by extension, I do take on some of the struggles black men face in America with their own demons and with stigmatization. I am a college-educated progressive black woman who CHOSE this struggle. I chose the struggle because I love him. I am not being a martyr for my race. I am not dragging down the cause of black women. I am not selling myself short by being with him. And I am tired of hearing rhetoric to the contrary.
Your boyfriend is not black. But if you marry him you too will learn that marriage involves taking on the baggage and struggles of your partner — WHATEVER that may be. Marriage is not a fairytale. No MATTER the color of the person you marry there will be struggle.
My marriage’s struggle might have to do with hair, yours will have to do with something else.
So, instead of averting the conversation to interracial relationships. Why not accept that this article maybe is not relevant to you, because you are not in a relationship with a black man? Why not let those of us who are reflect on it, share it with our husbands and challenge them? Why make this about something that it is not?
Okay…. So it did strike a nerve with you. I didn’t talk about how BlACK guys hate MY hair. I talked about how I wouldn’t entertain ANY guy who disrespects my natural, African-American looks. It’s that simple.
If you want to deny the reality that many black men (and women) do not appreciate the natural appearance of black people then you absolutely can. I don’t care. But that doesn’t change the fact that many black men demand Euro-centric looks from black women. That is not my personal story because I do not even attract those narrow-minded guys. However, that is the story that has been told time and time again, and it is very true for many guys including the person who wrote this story.
It seems to me that you’re just upset about interracial relationships. Had I said that my boyfriend is black, I’m sure you wouldn’t be writing your life story on here.
If you think I’m mad because you’re in an interracial relationship, you miss the whole point of my response.
The *REALITY* is that most black women today are married to black men. THEREFORE, reflections like this are relevant to a lot of us.
What sense does it make to talk about how you’ve escaped all this because you’re in an interracial relationship…. to someone who is married to a black man? It is not relevant here.
I’m not “denying a reality”… Did I not go into depth about how I take on the struggles of black men because I’m married to one??
I totally agree with you that more black men need to accept natural hair. It is an issue that we need to address.
I totally disagree that, according to your insinuation, black men are not worth the time because they struggle to accept natural hair.
The author was supportive of his wife in all areas, but struggled because she wanted to go natural. Does that invalidate the love and support he expressed for her in other areas? Is he suddenly not worth the time? No.
You are free to make a different choice or express a different opinion. But I go back to my original point — the focus of this piece is a BLACK man struggling to love his black wife. So, again, your experience is irrelevant.
I think you have personal issues with your own relationship and with interracial relationships that really go beyond anything that I’ve said. Therefore, I don’t see a point in arguing with you anymore.
Lastly, I’m going to encourage you to find piece with your decision to marry a black guy with personal issues or “self-hate”, as you describe. The anger within your posts over a black woman who is happily in a relationship with an amazing, handsome, well educated Peruvian-German is absolutely sad. You are a grown adult; be at piece with your life already.
peace**
CarRy,
I am saddened that you think my response is about anger or personal issues. If that is what you read in my words, then you misread.
I would encourage you to read the response of the author’s wife in this blog post. She highlights what I am trying to communicate here.
http://thegenuinescholar.com/wifes-response-the-reasons-i-did-not-want-my-wife-to-be-natural/
It seems to be the “cool” or “hip” thing to jump online and say that all black men should go to hell because they don’t support natural hair. What I’m trying to express to you is the REALITY is more complicated than that.
As black women, we exist in communities that include black men. Whether they are our brothers, fathers, uncles, cousins or husbands. One day you too will be the mother of a son who has black heritage, and you too will have to teach him to accept his own hair, whatever texture it is.
I really hope you don’t walk through life assuming that anyone who challenges you on your thoughts or beliefs is doing so because you are in an interracial relationship. In one comment you mentioned that you are 20. I’m a bit older than you, and I think life still has more to show you.
Be blessed.
Reflecting, I find you to be very angry and condescending in your responses. Why should any woman deal with a man’s deep psychological issues over the natural appearance of his own ethnicity? Ain’t nobody got time to “take on the struggles” of black men. But just because you want to sacrifice that kind of time, doesn’t mean others can’t just love whoever loves them back.
You’re talking about relevance to the topic, yet nearly all of your responses are shaming this person for dating a guy who isn’t black. Get over yourself. You picked on one aspect of the argument but failed to address that many black men do indeed hold pathetic views about black women, based simply on looks (even the guy who wrote this article).
Who goes out looking for a partner and has the length and grade of their hair as an important feature? That’s sad, and you know it. But go ahead, distract us with more rants against interracial relationships. But that’s not even the problem here.
Reflecting,
I’ve been following your exchange with CarRy and feel that you do not at all come across as condescending or hating.
As soon as I saw this article by Dr. Guyton I kinda knew the comments would degenerate into discussions about why many naturals choose to date outside of their race. But I think that no matter how much one urges to stay on topic (a BLACK couple dealing with a transition to natural hair), people will discuss interracial dating. I just take it in stride and try to steer clear…:) Else you’ll quickly be accused of ‘hating’, or being ‘angry’
To me it also seems rather irrelevant to this article how non-black spouses/partners deal with the issue of natural hair. Of course they would deal with it differently, because they don’t carry much of the same baggage left by colonialism, slavery, racism and discrimination. I think it’s only fair that a black woman who dates a black man understands that it might take some serious self-reflection for him to completely shed that baggage. And I believe she should support him in that, the same way Mrs. Guyton did.
My man freaked out when I cut my hair. It was a shock and had no comment. When we met I was rocking a Hale Berry cut. Decided to go natural because I was going back to school for my masters and I am a single mom. I didn’t think I would have time for my hair. I don’t get influenced easily and tend to do what makes me comfortable. He could have left if it bothered him but we are still together. He is Cape Verdean.
It’s been almost a year now. I still get attention from men of all races but mostly hispanic, white and black in that order. I do feel that natural hair is more acceptable now.
Those dating men that have an issue with this is stay true to yourself. That’s what going to make you happy. whoever your with should love you for you not what’s on the outside.
For those who may want to know I am in the 4a-4c range.
What a beautiful couple, both inside and out! Corey, you are very brave to write this piece. You really opened up and dove deep! Thank you!
That’s nice. She looks far more beautiful with her natural hair than with the straight hair. The straight hair really hides her beauty. Her features pop and are gorgeous with the short ‘do. Lovely.
bravo mister! the world is changing with you and it would be nice if other men would read this. your wife is lucky
I think many men think like this,because natural hair is not flowy nor can you see the length till it’s straightened
Sadly the European standard shall remain for many and there will be women who want to fit in that standard and so these type people won’t see natural,or short hair as sexy ie.long floaty hair that moves in the breeze is attractive to eurocentric thinking men so they automatically cut sister’s with natural hair out of their dating selection and sadly see them as wearing an old fashioned,out of touch hair style..but the more women who don’t conform to the European ideal Will dispel these attitudes as the more women who go natural makes it more acceptable
I personally don’t think relaxed hair means trying to be someone else,just as a white women in braids is still who she is,it’s a personal choice and one where your hair should not define you
Many materials straighten their hair and although temporary it’s the same as one who straightened her hair permanent..it’s just choice,your hair should not be worn as a badge of what’s better but what’s more comfortable for you.
I never understood why a black man would date or marry a black woman but hate their natural hair if it was nappy or kinky or expect them to straighten it. If that is how you feel you are better off marrying a white, Indian, Hispanic, Asian or Biracial woman who fits those standards. I really don’t think it is fair to expect someone to conform to standards of beauty meant for other races with very different phenotypes. That’s like going to McDonald’s and expecting to be served a filet mignon with caviar on the side. Not going to happen. Black women I’m general look bee different from other races including mixed race people so black men should not expect black women to look like women of other races. It is not realistic at all and it is very unfair. As a personal example, I love guys with light, golden or tan skin and silly brown or black straight or wavy hair. So what do I do? I specifically date Hispanic and middle eastern men. What sense would it make for me to date a black man and tell him that he has to bleach his skin or straighten his hair? That would be stupid and unfair for me to expect him to look like another race of men. I think it would be better for people with preferences like myself to date and marry inter racially than put down their own people simply because they cannot meet their standards.
Whilst you make a valid point about not expecting one race to exhibit ‘characteristics’ of another, if you are black I take issue regarding your preference of ‘light skin’ men as you too are exhibiting the ‘mind set’ the writer displayed in the beginning. I am married to a white man but not because I prefer ‘white or light skinned’ men – he was just who I happened to fall in love with. Up to that point I had dated black men whatever their skin tone. It should be the content of his character not the colour of his skin!
I don’t think it’s any of your business what she chooses to prefer. She could ONLY like white men and it sill wouldn’t have anything to do with you–I don’t get why some women care so much what other women prefer, focus on Black men who practice colourism en masse. Who cares if you don’t prefer white men? Some Black do and you don’t have he right to tell them not to. Get off your high horse.
I agree with Peary, why should you take issue with what Chachamusicgirl’s preferences are? There’s no reason why just because she’s black (if she is), she should prefer Black men. People are allowed to have preferences, and it certainly isn’t the same mindset as the writer in the beginning. He expected his wife to keep her hair in a state that is not a natural one, whereas she loves Hipanic/middle eastern men for looking the way they look naturally. What’s wrong with that and why should you take personal offence??
I feel like… If this had been a man who came on here and said that he only likes light skinned women with long flowy hair, a LOT of people would have been up in arms…so it’s only offensive if its a man that has this view? I agree Bumper… I could (kinda) see her logic, but I found it to be problematic as well… But hey let’s just chalk everything up to “preferences” without really thinking about the root of them. I’m also biased.. I am a HUGE sucker for Black on Black love
“But hey let’s just chalk everything up to “preferences” without really thinking about the root of them. I’m also biased..”
I give a hearty yawn when people repeatedly do this. We Humans love shortcuts when thinking.
@jessica many men do already claim their love for only light skin and non black women you see that in mainstream media and your hear that from the mouths of many black men. whilst black women always felt like they had to be loyal and take to be treated like crap. things are simply changing now and you should respect the others preferences.
Hi Eve- yes, I understand that there are Black men that voice their preferences for light skinned women with long flowy hair and choose to date other races based on that… And I think they are pretty whack as well! Lol
And waiting or “remaining loyal” to Black men does NOT mean tolerating disrespect… I think that is over generalizing. It means being the mate that YOU would want to be with and making good decisions about who you are going to be with. Of course people are going to date who they want to date and they are going to be attracted to- I just question the reason why people SPECIFICALLY ONLY date those whose features/race/ethnicity/etc are completely different than theirs…
For the record no race inherently looks white, heck even most white people cannot fit western standards of beauty. Facial structures differ across the board and full noises and lips are not just an African features. Travel the world instead of just using Google images – Russians also tend to have fuller lips, and native Americans can have fuller noises. Larger body frames are a standard in Samoa and Indians can be just as dark if not darker than many black (Africa descent) people. And everyone needs to get of the “Eastern Africans all look different” kool-aid because you can find eastern Africans who “look” like western Africans with the kinkiest of hair. The stereotypes and assumptions that the human race has created has literally made a definition of what every race should and shouldn’t look like when in reality those lines are and have always been blurred.
You also ignored the fact that most black Americans (meaning those with ancestry based in slavery, and let’s include the US, Caribbean, and South America) are mixed. Their physical traits vary across the board depending on what they are mixed with (native American Brazilians, British slave traders, or Chinese indentured servants depending on location). We are an amalgamation of so many different features from different races and we don’t have a “look.”
Also, even though your comment already revealed your stereotypes to Hispanic and middle eastern men, not all of these look tan with wavy hair. In fact, some are dark with wooly hair.
You got it all wrong. Black people in America, Black people in Spain, Black people in China, Black people in Fuji, Black people in Brazil, Black people in Mexico, BLACK PEOPLE EVERY WHERE have the same genetic make up. All traced back to Africa! Wanna know why? BECAUSE AFRICA IS THE BIRTHPLACE OF CIVILIZATION! And 98% of PEOPLE have the same genetic make up (fact!) and it ain’t because we evolved from no damn chimpanzee either! Olmecs, Persians, Hebrews, every culture around the world’s artifacts show clear examples that blacks were the rulers. And WHITES are really nothing but genetic mutations. Inbred Albino Mutants to be exact and North America was inhibited by hundreds of thousands of people if not more and not all BLACKS were bought to the U.S during the slave trade. Native American’s aka Amerindians trace back to OLMECS who trace back to Africa. In laymens term, EVERYBODY IS BLACK!
…I think the point she was making is that everyone looks different and there is no standard of appearance within a race…
I’m not sure why you ranted about chimpanzees or inbred white people (considering complexion is a genetic adaption to climate). And no, not every black person has an ancestor that was a slave but many African Americans have to trace their history through slavery.
Truly sad but this is the usual mindset of many black men, they don’t appreciate the beauty that God gave us. I’m so over what black men have been conditioned to believe about beauty and the long flowy hair mess! I’m glad that he was able to see his insecurities.
i know. i was thinking this is very sad.
it’s nice that he stepped back and pointed the finger at himself. unfortunately, many many black men AND women never will.
at the end of the day, it’s easier to swim with the tide.
Thank you for this article! As I’ve shared my transition, with people in my life, over the past 14 months & as I big chop very soon, I’ve gotten so many people telling me ” I won’t get man with natural hair” and “you need to slap a relaxer back in your head.” It’s beautiful to see a man support his queen in a decision to accept her hair & herself one hundred percent.
Thank you for this article it’s beautiful to see that black men still love black women you rarely see that nowadays..I am a young black female that has natural hair…and i feel that our black men don’t like it as much as other races do….the white and Spanish people at my job love my hair…but this black guy is always saying i should straighten my hair…it’s sad and cray to me…
Why would you put down all black men just because ONE black guy at your job doesn’t like your hair smh. There was no point of even mentioning that the white/ Spanish people at work like it. Just because a white person compliments there’s no reason to put down black people.
I wouldn’t have even told my husband it’s just hair (sarcasm)
I think the hubby is superficial and I respect his transparency in the matter and the willingness to work on himself and not his wife.
This was a great article all men should read this!!!!
Wow!
Your wife looks gorgeous!
It takes many a lifetime to emancipate themselves from mental slavery.
Many people actually never achieve that mental liberation, so congratulations to you for decolonizing your mind and then, as a consequence, for embracing your wife for who she is naturally.
Live long, well, and mindfully.
This should be required reading for all black men.
Make it required reading for black people in general. That insecurity and fear is why there is so much opposition to natural hair in the black community.
When I was relaxed, my mom would always revel when people complimented my long hair, and then when I cut it off, it was like I did her wrong. For her, she was no longer responsible for a daughter with beautiful her but felt responsible for a daughter with short and nappy. To her, all my short comings were now the result of my natural hair. That was 4 years ago, she loves my hair now (I feel like that has more to do with the fact that’s its long and in the 3c/4a range) but whenever I wear a wash n go, I see that previous mentality sneak back up.
In other news, I absolutely loved this article, it actually maybe a BGLH favorite for me. It takes a strong man to realize his own short comings than placing them on others. And that couple is absolutely stunning!
Oooohhh! Good point. This was probably why my mother, too was (and remains 13 years later) crazy hostile to my natural hair. She sure does take responsibility for everything I am and everything I do. Sometimes it gets annoying, but whatever. I never considered that her hostility to my natural hair was NEVER about me. It was AAALLWWAAYYSSS about HER. She felt an ownership over my appearance – and wondered how it made HER look to have a daughter with nappy hair.
It’s amazing how much we can be blinded by our own social conditioning. While my parents did a good job of sheltering me from it, it’s still there. I noticed over time that my mother really does equate light skin with beauty, and the same with hair that hangs down like white people’s. I still remember introducing her to a friend of mine in college, who was very light in complexion, and later my mom referred to her as “the pretty one.” I said: “I don’t think she’s very pretty.” And my mom said with 100% certainty and even resignation: “She is.” When, really, she wasn’t. At all. I knew OTHER black people had those damaged views of “light is right”, but I never thought either of my parents to be one of them (my dad surely ain’t, lol). That was the first time I realized that my mom really believed that light skin was “pretty” as a matter of fact – indisputable truth. It was weird. My whole life, and she never ever said such a thing – then, as I reached adulthood, her true beliefs finally crept out.
I guess I should thank her for not saddling me with what she knew to be a lingering slave mentality. That may very well have been one of her finest achievements as a mom. She ain’t perfect – but damned if she didn’t do the best she could to start me off free from mental enslavement. And she succeeded. Lucky me! Awesome mom!!!
Omg, I don’t know what it is about mom’s but the same for me. Ask my mom if she has any colorism and she would be quick to say no, but look around and you’ll she she does. I remember when I was thinking about going natural, I was trying to gauge what my hair texture would be by looking at the hair chart and comparing it to my baby pictures (I later realized how useless that chart was, but oh well). I remember asking my mom if I was in the 4b/4c range and the disgust on her face was unreal. You would’ve thought I just showed her pictures from a crime scene or something, lol. Recently I texted her a pic from my bday. I was feeling so cute and sexy that day, I had a fairly successful wash n go and she just replies with “ugh, what’s wrong with your hair, it’s not sleek at all.”
My dad on the other hand is different. I don’t know if it was how he was raised or how he views the world, but he was always a fan of my natural hair even when it was short. When I was younger, I remember him telling me that nappy hair and bad hair were hair that wasn’t taken care of. I think he just believed that a woman (and a man because he says the same to my brother) should care about their appearance and not look sloppy, and natural hair was never inherently sloppy to him. Whenever I am at restaurant or at church with my dad, he brags about my hair and says “yup, those are my genes, she got it from me.”
It’s literally like night and day with my parents.
Wow! Your bday story sounds so much like my mom. Okay here’s my mom story.
When I first big chopped, my mom freaked out. Then came the constant “you need to get your hair done”, “your hair doesn’t look good”, “you can’t go out with me unless you comb your hair”. Last year, I bought curlformers and tried them on my hair. My mom’s response “oh your hair looks nice. It looks like it has some kind of treatment done to it”. Huh??? Mothers. Just be happy that you don’t have the same mentality. Some people are set in their ways and there is no hope in educating them. My mom is one of those people.
You guys are such great story tellers, I must say because your moms sound like a carbon copy of my mom to the T! Ever since I did the big chop about two month ago she won’t even “let” me leave the house unless my hair is covered with something, i.e., wig, hat, scarf, etc., and my aunt is the same way, she REALLY hates natural with a passion. I have a cousin who is probably around a 4a and has nice hair, around shoulder length, and they both tear her up every chance they get about her hair, how “ghetto” she looks, “unkept”, etc., and I get so tired of trying to defend the way she wears her hair, and it’s really pointless anyway because they pay O attention to what I say. I tell them that at least her hair healthy and strong, and I was the one with the fried hair who had to cut it off. I told them that I would’ve been glad to have her hair, and why did I say that, because you would’ve thought I told them that I was a killer or something, SMH! I must admit, our moms are wonderful, but sometimes their thinking can really be warped!
Great article. Good for Mr Guyton. Our ability to love and accept always starts with ourselves, not our spouse. Lovely couple, I must say Mrs. Guyton looks so much more youthful and vibrant with her natural hair, sue practically glowing!
I agree, she does look wonderful with short natural hair!
let the comments begin!
I hope they aren’t negative/crazy. I think this is a very positive and deeply honest piece. For the sake of their wives/girlfriends and daughters, more black men need to think like this.
I agree, beautiful article and I wish that more black men thought this eloquently about black women and our hair, instead of being like Chris Rock and picking on our natural hair, but then picking on us too if we perm our hair or wear a wig or weave.
This is a black AMERICAN/WESTERN man issue mostly. They are the ones who are brainwashed by whites and their media. And yes there are some non-western black men who dislike natural hair but in general they don’t. What some people fail to realize is that Americans are only 2% of the entire black population. So to say more black men need to think like this is inaccurate, because the majority of black men has never disliked natural hair. More black AMERICAN/WESTERN men need to think like this. They are the ones who are messed up in the head.