Not too long ago, I came across a “Dear Abby” type of video in which a black woman asked for advice about whether she should “hold out for her ideal black man.” The woman is approaching her 40s, beautiful, educated and wants to marry and have a child someday soon. She has only dated black men who have left her for white women and she has been advised to date outside of her race, although that is not her desire. The subject matter got me thinking: How far should black women go for black love?
Should we give up on the concept of the “ideal black man”?
Let us first define what the “ideal black man” is. Some common descriptions I’ve read include:
educated
financially stable
caring
spiritual
Though the complete definition is obviously shaped by a woman’s individual preferences, those traits are a fair summation of what some desire. An ideal black man is a good black man, to put it simply for this discussion. (NOTE: While some concepts of the “ideal black man” lean towards unrealistic, superficial and/or materialistic realms, that will have to be a topic for another day.) Now the notion that “good black men are hard to find” is a harsh reality for some women, but does that mean Mr. Right and Black will not arrive? No, not necessarily, but if he doesn’t, then what?
Should we settle on any black man for the sake of black love?
What happens if a man is substituted for the “ideal” merely because he is black? What happens when the dreams of a “beautiful black family” and “black love” are so strong that they overshadow serious flaws in the man? He hits me, but he is my black man. He cheats on me, but he is my black man. We as black women, many of us who have endured so much and remain resilient, deserve men who will treat us with care and respect. If the man is black, that should not give him a pass to treat us otherwise. It is better to be alone. However, should we deny ourselves marriage and building a family if we don’t meet the “ideal black man”?
Should we turn down an “ideal man” of another race?
If some black men are marrying outside of their race, then why don’t we, right? While this logic appears to smash the stance of undying loyalty to “black love,” the answer is not quite that simple for some. The complexity comes with questions like:
Will a man of another race understand me?
Can we have conversations about race as I would with a black husband?
Can I be comfortable having biracial children?
Working through these questions (and others) requires honesty then introspection followed by meaningful dialogue. However, these steps cannot begin without first being open to love and marriage outside of our race.
Let us conclude with this insight from author Sophia A. Nelson’s interview with Karen Folan, who is a black woman in a happy interracial marriage:
“Race is not the key factor in what will make a successful marriage. The character traits and values of the person you love are what make it work,” says Folan. “People always assume that there will be a lot of drama in an interracial marriage. They are wrong. More of the drama comes from other people outside of the marriage – family, friends, people in social settings. Black women need to gain cultural fluency, because the twenty-first century is going to be the century of multiculturalism. … Black women have to be willing to have a back-and-forth exhange with men outside of the race.”
… She [Folan] added, “My husband and I model cross-cultural understanding.” According to Folan, the only time they’ve had a conflict over race was when Harvard professor Skip Gates accused a white policeman of harassment when he questioned why Gates broke into a home in Cambridge. (Professor Gates had forgotten his keys, and the home he broke into was his own.) Folan says she saw it from Gates’s point of view. Her husband sided with the policeman. “We got past it quickly,” she explained with a laugh. – Sophia A. Nelson, “Black Woman Redefined: Dispelling Myths and Discovering Fulfillment in the Age of Michelle Obama”
How far should black women go for black love?
99 Responses
Culture is very important as well! I have met many men from Africa who are handsome and amazing but unfortunately the women have many issues with American Black women and it’s hard to understand each other culturally! Unfortunately slavery and the separation of us over 100’s of years from our original ancestry has F everything up! In conclusion the media doesn’t persuade me at all, I’ve always had a strong mind and do what I want, date who I want! I go by who treats me with respect and is intelligent, kind, etc, for the rest! I don’t care what the race is we are all the Creator’s children!
You’re absolutely right about reading comprehension being a “b***ch”. lol Since I’m not encouraging black women to date black men. I simply stated that if some black women want to date and marry black men no one should tell them not to do this. Its their prerogative to date whomever they please.
You stated this in a previous post: ” Why not them?…quiet as it’s kept many socalled people of color are very racist…I would rather deal with Whites than alot of ‘people of color.”
This statement in itself is racist.
Lol…..people of color= all people who are not white.
Completely agree.
For some reason you come across as a Black man to me..but if you’re a woman you have no clue about what masculinity is….big muscles, voice and chocolate skin(lmao) is not what masculinity is….for example one of the most masculine men I’ve ever seen was a Korean man…..handsome, short of stature, but so gently commanding with a smile always on his face…I was amazed..What a MAN!!!! He was…..He ruled without raising his voice or having big muscles….THATS WHAT feeds people and RULE NATIONS….not socalled masculine features? What are those? and chocolate skin (lmao)…With nothing to back it up with……you say interracial dating didn’t work for you…ok..but that’s you…Most Black women MUST open up their options if they want marriage and children….
No, I am very much a woman. I said masculine features. PersonaIity and spirit is a completely different thing. I know exactly what masculinity is. “Most” black women are married to black men so stop making it seem black women are desperate and dateless. I never said there was anything wrong with dating interracially. If a black woman wants to date outside her race that’s her prerogative. What I don’t understand why you hate black people and black men so much. It’s one thing to date outside your race because race is not an issue but it’s another to do this based off of disdain and resentment for your own race. This sounds like a self esteem issue that has nothing to do with anyone but yourself. Everything ends and begins with you and the sooner you learn this the more happier you’ll be.
P.S Oh yes I still want a black chocolate man with exquisite masculine features. 🙂
But most Black women aren’t married…and nowhere in your response to me do you even address what I ACTUALLY said. before I say BYE …what are masculine features, please?….never mind because you are arguing with yourself and what YOU want or desire is of no concern to me…Bye.
What I meant to post was that most black women who decide to marry; marry black men. I believe the number is 84% of black women marry black men. Your post didn’t really have much of substance to reiterate because you went on a tangent about some Asian guy whom you’ve never dated.
I was pretty clear about my stance on masculine features. The only person that seems to be arguing about anything is yourself. So I’m guessing you do hate black people because you never denied this? You only got upset when I mentioned black men and masculinity in the same sentence, which makes me wonder if black masculinity makes you feel uncomfortable? Maybe?
Yes….I hate Black people….rolls eyes….again what are masculine features? I’m bored….If only 40 something% of Black men marry and 25% marry non Black women how many Black women are married? ….As for the Asian guy no I didn’t date him because he was old enough to be my gfather….but I didn’t need to to see what a MAN he was ….He commanded the room and respect…short of stature, soft spoken, always smiling, employer of many, no chocolate skin (lmao) and one of the most masculine men I’ve ever met…..so what are masculine features?
P.s nowhere in my comment did I say Black women shouldn’t marry Black males…I said Black women should consider all options, including White men…
I meant ‘big brains’ and heart is what rules nations and feed people.
Google Pew research …they break the numbers down…get numbers from govt census….25% of married Black men are married to non Black women but keep hope? alive girl.
Yeah right.
Yeah, she is right. Have you ever been there?
i see what you mean, but really for me it’s a choice, i’m not settling up .
Why does it have to be a white man?
Did I say it had to be a white man? Clearly no, and answering my question with a question like that is obnoxious.
My apologies. I thought you were implying “why can’t it be a white man” or any man who is not black. By simply stating “why does it have to be a black man” gave me this impression. However I think its a bit obnoxious to use the words ” like that is obnoxious.” You might as well had said like totally! lol
Well. I’m not saying just white men either. Just any non-black men. On lipstickalley, there’s a whole thread dedicated to black women who would date inter-racially but are adamant about marrying a black man.
Okay, Antonia. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that but if a black woman is adamant about wanting to marry and date black men whats wrong with that? I know I’m going to marry a black man. This is what I want. I’ve dated inter-racially and its just not for me. I have a strong preference for masculine men and masculine features. I can’t help how I feel. I strongly want to marry a black man. A chocolate one too.
Why not them?…quiet as it’s kept many socalled people of color are very racist…I would rather deal with Whites than alot of ‘people of color…and yes there are racist white men and women..but I believe Black women have a better chance with them than people of color..and they are the largest group of men in the USA….so Black women have nothing to lose including them in their mating and dating pool.
This is your prerogative. Why you feel the need to tell other black women who they should consider dating is beyond me. Based off of your post you pretty much outed yourself as a racist. There is racism in all races and ethnicities. Designating racism to just people of color is racist and ignorant at best. Try using the word some instead of many and most. The fact that you choose to only deal with whites over people of color=black people (this is what I’ve picked up) speaks volumes about your character.
No reading comprehension skills is a b##&*^ch…and aren’t you doing the same by encouraging Black women to only be with Black men…In light of all the evidence that this is not a smart move….and where you got the idea I only deal with Whites is Whatever.lol….bye.
AGREED! I think people see a few statistics and automatically believe they’re true. MOST BM marry BW point blank period.
Black women have the amazing capacity for self denial. The fact is there are not enough good black men out there for every black women who wants their ideal black man. That’s just math. Another inconvenient truth is that the ideal black man out there is more than likely looking for their ideal mix or non black woman. You only have to look towards the entertainment…sports…and academic fields to see this played out right in front of you. 25% of black men are in IRR. That leaves an ibysmal percentage left over who are still dating BW. I assure you, among this percentage…many of these black men have a harem of black women on rotation. This is what happens when black women as a collective limit their dating and marriage options. To pretend otherwise and waste your reproductive years waiting and waiting is a choice but I venture to say is an idiotic one at best. Love can come in a variety of packages…to close yourself off seems very limiting and unnecessary….being alone without the joy of marriage and children if you really desire that for your life is a sad narrative and self limiting as life does indeed go on….I rather live the best life I can with as many options as possible.
http://www.businessinsider.com/736-of-all-statistics-are-made-up-2010-2
You’re young. Life will teach you. I hope you and your black man live happily ever after but would advise young black women to open their options. You can find love outside of the black race as well as inside of it.
And I’m not aware of any conspiracy by whites to keep black men and women separate. Perhaps you know something that we don’t know.
Why does someone have to keep their options open to men who are not their preference. Whats wrong with preferring black men?
Be happy. Date and marry whoever makes you happy. Race shouldn’t be an issue and for many Black women it is not.
go to Africa..you will find strong and educated fine black men who love black women..no offence but the media in America has turned the minds of your Black men(music)
Then carry on@Tabatha…that doesn’t take away from the truths I’ve listed..
I have nothing against interracial relationships. Reproduce, gene pool expansion and continue humanity. Yay.
Problem is that black women have an enigmatic position on the dating scene in the West. Meaning, that in the last 15 years, it’s become increasingly popular for black men to have an aversion (a deliberate avoidance of) black women. For whatever “distressed in the head” reason. White men in white majority societies, it’s horses for courses. They mostly date (and marry) white women because 1. there are more white women around and 2. it’s familiar, 3. they probably live in majority white neighbourhoods and work in majority white environments. It’s them, their people and what they know. But if they want to, they date anybody without the discussion we’re having now, because racism’s effects seemed to miss them.
Asian men. This goes for East Asian, South Asian (India, Pakistan, Bangladesh etc) and Middle Eastern men are still largely dictated to by culture, Hinduism and Islam respectively. The latter two still get arranged marriages a fair bit, although love matches are much more common in the last 20 years or so.
Where do black women come into that analysis? They don’t. In majority black neighbourhoods they might do. But in countries where black people are about 2 percent of the population (like the UK), black women show up as anomalies on all of these men’s radar. Why? Because as you can see form the above, no one group is matching up with them frequently enough. That has produced the single black woman in the Western world. On the African continent, they don’t have these discussions.
If love comes your way and it’s right. Leap. Because with the above metrics, you could be alone a long time if you’re not careful. Not that that’s a bad thing either.
“I personally don’t believe in the concept of an ideal black man because I wouldn’t want ideal expectations for me as a black woman.”
Continue on. This no ideal, there is only real. my life has taught me that ideal doesn’t put its arms when you are down and your nose is running and you are soggying up its cashmere sweater; ideal doesn’t listen to you tell a story for, unwittingly, the third time; ideal would not be caught dead in that ugly hat you knit… because it’s itchy, unflattering and the cables are lopsided.
But real will. Because real is loving and flawed, and accepts that you are as well!
I feel you. Dated a white guy once who lauded GW Bush as the greatest president of our time… it didn’t last long lol. But hey, some men will truly want to learn and understand our culture, not just taste the forbidden fruit if you get my drift – and those type of men probably wouldnt be as annoying because they would be genuine in their desire to understand your perspective!
There are men that fit your description to a tee. Then there are men who don’t. Let’s not be so ignorant as to typecast them all.
What generalizations?.
@rooO8..everything I said is truth as I’ve seen it…but then I like truth and I don’t bury my head in the sand.
Let’s not pretend there is a plethora of ideal black men waiting to marry and start families with black women. The math does not support that notion. It is ignorant to continue to persue an avenue in which black women as a collective are losing daily and with each passing decade. Marriage as a whole is down among all demographics but among BW it is the lowest. I’m speaking as a black woman married for 15 years to a black man. I don’t assume what I might have is easily available to most black women because the reality is that it is not…it’s just not enough good black men for every black woman seeking marriageble black men. Further you are not doing any black woman any service by pretending otherwise, especially for younger black women in their 20s and early 30s. Unless you want to see these same women single and childless well into their 50s and 60s. There are only a handful like myself that have black husbands partly because my husband is from a different generation. Marriage and being a father is ingrained from his upbringing. This newer generation as a whole does not hold the same values.
THANK YOU FOR THIS!
Stop promoting this nonsense. 1st–Most BM marry BW. 2nd–Whites (or any other ethnic group for that matter) are not jumping through hoops to be in an interracial relationships, so why are we?!?! All the time?!?! There is nothing wrong with a BW who wants/needs/loves/craves a BM, and there’s is nothing wrong a BW that doesn’t. Let people search/seek/find whatever they love. There’s no need to “encourage” anyone to date out–it reeks of proganda.
If you find love with another race of man naturally, that’s fine, but if you’re going after these non-BM, because there’s no “good” BM, then you are just as damaged as the BM that date out because there’s no “good’ BW.
A small percentage of Black males marry..about 42%, give or take….of that number about 25% are married to non black women…so…
Muslim Bushido…Google it.
80% (aka most) married BM are married to BW (you can google that too), so I have no idea what your comment has to do with mine.
Now you guys are anti black love . Heck no I’m done . Fuck you guys ! I will never give up on my black men no matter what ! Oh and I found a black man who meets the good man criteria and is very intelligent and is head over heels over me. I’m only 19 as well . I will not fall for that interracial bull crap . Whites use that against us to keep black men and woman seperate ! Wake up and open your eyes !
Some do and some don’t. You cannot generalize interracial relationships as a White conspiracy to breed out Black genes (impossible because hello, genetic recombination). Some of us actually fall in love with our White counterparts. Some of us are isolated in areas without much diversity and with limited supplies of upstanding Black men. Some of us aren’t discriminatory about what races/ethnicities we prefer to date.
This article is NOT anti-Black love, it is pro-Black women. What’s in the best interest for one Black woman may not be what’s best for another Black woman, so please do not assume that your circumstances apply to all of us.
lol its people like you that make others view comments from people under 23 as stupid. Have you taken the time to read the comments? NOBODY here has said they are anti blacklove. Most people have taken their time to explain their situations and the justifiable reasons why they do not see race as a barrier in finding love.I am 20 and I am in a solid relationship with a black man that loves me completely. however I am aware that not most women have it that straight forward. Be considerate to other people’s situations. if a woman is waiting for black love and every black man she gives herself to disrespects her, and finally a man from another race cherishes her is she supposed to reject him because she is waiting for a black man?
Is there any area white people are not blamed for??
Wow~
Now blaming white folks when unlucky in love!
HA!
I didn’t go far at all for “Black Love”. Love is love for me. If you find that love in the same race then fine, but if not then give another dude a try. I dated all sorts of guys because the black men around me just didn’t know how to treat me as a lady and not a hood-booger. Other races just treated me better. In the end I married my hubby who is mixed (as am I) and I couldn’t be happier. I like that I dated around in other ethnic groups because I learned a lot from them. There are a lot of good black guys out there, but women have to kind of go outside the box to find them. I agree with JJ802 I would never lower myself either just to make sure that I was with a black man either. i want a man who wants me and will treat me right and I don’t care what the color is.
I don’t think love should be colored first and for most. However, with this taboo that black men are hard to find/come by, I’d feel blessed. Like a diamond in a rut truly, since the idea of black love seems “so rare”. I personally don’t believe in the concept of an ideal black man because I wouldn’t want ideal expectations for me as a black woman. Race doesn’t matter, but I would never give up on black men just to put them in a pathetic stereotype box. As a black woman, i can only reproduce black, a boy or girl who will grow into a black man or black woman. I can’t live such a toxic mindset of turning down for another race, settling for any and anybody because they are black nor giving up on black men. That mentality is just messed up and is dangerous to carry forward to a next generation. Straight. Healthy mind frame. Love hard when there is love to be had
Why would anyone be this obsessed with race when it comes to love? This must be something of the older generation. I have never felt constrained by race, and some of my most passionate lovers were from a different race. I love good *men* who love me. Why would I entertain a foolish white/black/blue/red/green man? My boyfriend is latino and loves me passionately. Who cares?
I have experienced that as well. But it’s best when one is really interested to learn through cultural relativism.
Agreed. Mine is white.
I am Jamaican woman who would love to date “one of my own”. Unfortunately for various reasons: stratification, family( baby mothers??), education, fidelity, religion, sexuality, respect, the list goes on I have not in five years. I am with a lovely white( German and Irish) man who loves me. Shows me off. Is faithful. Is eager to learn about and embrace my curls and culture. I don’t see a white man when I look at him. I just see a caring honest man. That will make sure I am protected. He pushes me to reach my goals and set new ones. I’m not putting anyone down. But I’m almost 30. We love each other. And I’m not holding out for the ideal black man. And yes most drama is from outsiders.
I believe #WhiteSupremacy is the reason “we” should not give up on Black love
I agree. It’s time that this site created singles gatherings nationwide.
Frankly , I don’t see myself with anything else but a black man ( a good black man) . so if i don’t find one I don’t mind staying alone . and i don’t care if i’m being judged for it . what’s wrong with having an ideal ? I don’t want mix kids , i want a kid that looks like me and his/her father . that’s the future I want , and if i can’t have it, then so be it , life goes on.
Nothing wrong with that. We all have our goals in life. If that is yours than good for you. =)
They really don’t believe that we love who we are and love how are children look. I want my children black. No offense. Don’t force your beliefs on me.
Who is forcing what? I didn’t force nothing on you. All I said is that we all have our goals you want your kids 100% black I agree with you. I said that is good for you. Where is the force? I even gave a smile. So i’m not sure why you feel I’m forcing my beliefs on you.
there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
” i want a kid that looks like me and his/her father”
If you have a kid with a man of a different race it won’t look like yours and his?
I don’t think there is anything wrong with this. 🙂
if you’re not a black woman you cannot understand . or maybe just ask the same question to the white women who date good black men, they’ll tell you = they’re a complete package . white women have many advantages that helps them get these men easily , most of the time they don’t have to do anything but just wait , and they’ll come . it’s life that’s how it goes, it’s just a little unfair that’ all.
Lol
what’s so funny ? 🙂 you don’t agree with me ? many of the black men/ white women couple get together but then break up fast . i think it’s due to that black/blonde stereotype . it should be about love , not about “elevating ” your dating pool or fulfilling a fetish/fantasy .
No I’m just sick of Black women woe is me…I don’t know where you are but in the us Black women are outnumbered in the millions by non black men and throughout the world and you only need one man…Black women don’t have to wait or settle for any men….. even with all the racists….Black women do not have to settle for scraps…stop isolating yourselves and get your lives.
Muslim Bushido…Google her.
so you call black men “scraps” . sorry but I don’t think that i’m the one with a problem here . Plus if you read my first post, I said I wanted to settle with a GOOD black man , which is hardly what I would call “scraps” . Dating a white guy or non white guy just because I can’t find what I want and need , that would be settling for scraps, in my opinion . I’m not judging YOUR decision or opinion , you’re free to do what you want .
Nope not calling bla ck males ‘scraps’….what I mean by scraps is this notion by some Black women that they are the bottom of the barrel and all of that other CRAP THAT is put out there about black women so they choose unwisely for themselves and their children….but believe whatever you choose.
Oh cry me a river! I’m not gonna sit and cry because a black man is dating a white woman. Hell I’ll go date a white man. I don’t want a black man that don’t want me for whatever reason that maybe. Why pine for someone that doesn’t want you when there are literally 70 other males down the street that do. Shoot get your life. I will not shed a tear over nonsense like that. Get a man that will treat you right and if he happens to be black, through a parade!
1. I am black, and two why is it always a black and white deal? Why can’t we expand out tasts instead of being stuck in a little bubble? What about Latino men? Asian? Middle Eastern? Indian? European?
i am a black woman who is in a beautiful relationship with an amazing black man. i honestly consider myself very lucky HOWEVER i will never advise anybody to wait and limit their choices based on race. if there is a man out there that truly loves you for who you are then open your mind to it regardless of the person’s race. i have a friend that has STRUGGLED with several black men, last year she finally opened her mind to men of other races and now she has found happiness in a white man who treats her like a queen and is always proud to show his woman to the world. love should never be limited by race. don’t settle for the color of a man’s skin if he doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Sigh…….come on Black women….stop pretending…After decades of bitches and hoes music, all those black males on youtube dehumanizing and degrading Black women, Black women the least married woman group in America but leads in oow births, colorism, hairism, and on and on…. why are Black women still harping on about ‘black love’…. what black love? Seems like hate to me or at best indifference, do not care AT ALL.
Black women….Black males do not care about Black women and girls….THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU ALL BECAUSE YOU ALL ARE BLACK!.and as long as you all remain black …they are not coming home to fix the black community, not gonna stop loving and chasing Becky and them (in fact they marry Becky and them at the rate of 25% and counting)…..Black males do not care at all and when they have access to non black women they choose those women over Black women. You all see this..why pretend?….
Well my black male loves me 100%. I guess I’m mighty lucky as well as my mother and her mother, and her mother before. There are black men out there that care for their black women, don’t put them all in one messed up pot. In every ethnic group you have your bad apples. I have a friend who is Mexican and she can’t stand her own kind. I never had a bad experience with a Mexican man, and technically neither did she she just made her judgement off of other women’s experience and she made the decision to not date or marry a Mexican man. They are out there, don’t write them off too quickly.
waaaay too many generalizations all up in and through your comment.
also hairism? that’s a new one!
Probably not a real word…but you know what she means. A lot of Black men are vocal about their preferences for long hair and/or a looser curl pattern (if not straight hair). Nobody is saying that all of them are this way…but I’ve come across my fair share.
This is where I note that my non-Black husband loves my natural hair in its original curl pattern, and protests when I make changes or talk about straightening.
I highly resent the notion that if you can’t find a good black men then it’s better to be alone! Why black women fall into this limited way of thinking I don’t know. Are there concerns when dating interracially? Yes. But that hasn’t stopped black men from dating out in much higher numbers than black women. You learn to work through those difficult times by actually allowing yourself to experience them and come out stronger. I am in my 20s and I WILL not waste my fertile years waiting not he ideal black man. That is a myth. Any man can be a good man and any man can be a jerk and I don’t see black men shouting from the rooftops for their ideal black woman.
Another thing I don’t get is that as AA we cry about wanting to be judged for our character. It’s hypocritical not to grant others the same in return. I choose character! I choose values! I choose teamwork! I choose love in whatever package it presents itself!
Why does it have to be a black man…….
It’s very sad and disheartening to read some of the comments about not wanting a child of a mixed race*. It seems a bit to me, like obliquely saying that a child who is black-and white, Asian, Hispanic, Indian, Native American or what have you, would be a child less valued because it “isn’t black.”
I’m sure there are many mixed race* (or even very light) visitors to this site who were loved during their childhood, and who continue to give and receive love. I don’t speak up on these sites much, but this just seemed so cruel, narrow-minded and unloving to me, that in an article about “love,” I felt compelled to.
I can not say that I have ever felt it necessary to “wait for a black man.” I was abandoned by my black father, my mother and I were treated cruelly (as were all of her siblings and their children) by my black grandfather. Both of my aunts married (or got knocked up by) and were left by one black man after another. Most of the incidences of sexual or street harassment in my life have been at the hands of black men (barring two, which were by Indian men). The only black man I’d ever foolishly entered into a relationship with was, unbeknownst to me, engaging in infidelity to his WHITE girlfriend, with me in the role of other woman.
The only fabled “Good Black Man” I’d ever met (who met only two of the requirements from the list presented in the article, with those being educated and caring, as I care very little for the pressure in black American culture to conform to Christianity or Islam) very gently informed me one day that while I was a very sweet girl, he really preferred someone… white.
Black men have treated me as a prize because I am on the lighter end of the colour spectrum (although to be frank, I find that many men in general engage in this behaviour). I find this incredibly dehumanizing; it feels as though my very humanness is being denied, and I am being treated as a shell to be filled with their own ambitions. Well educated black men (while being drawn in by my skin and intelligence) upon discovering my lack of a college education and world travel experiences, my frugality, modesty in attire, ambivalence to “being seen” in fashionable places, lack of interest in having children (or immediately having sex) with them and especially my distinct distaste for “Church” related activities, have treated me as though I’m not quite good enough to be seen in public with and immediately shut down on dates.
Many other black men (practically strangers) have challenged my interests, my speech patterns, my unwillingness to imbibe in alcohol or recreational drug use, my work ethic, my volunteer work, dietary and lifestyle choices, my sexual ambiguity, creativity, bicycle riding, pets, love of classical and world music and dance, literature, art, foreign languages and soft sciences as something undesirable in a black woman. In short, nearly EVERYTHING about me has been rejected by “black men” as a group at some point. With black men I have met, nothing about me is ever quite good enough. Am I to settle for someone who views me as sub par and undesirable for things I can not, WILL not, and most importantly, do not desire to change?
Frankly, that $&@! don’t fly, no matter what colour.
I don’t feel it a responsibility to love someone simply because he has skin like mine. Frankly, I don’t even love the majority of my extended family, and we share far more genetic commonalities than I would with the average stranger on the street. Love is a gift, it is not a right. My body is a gift, it is not a right. My thoughts, my affection and the sharing of my joys and fears? Those two, too, are gifts, not rights. My RESPECT is a gift. A black man is no more entitled to these things than a Korean, German or Pakastani man. I find the very suggestion audacious.
I have chosen to bestow those gifts upon the people who have shown me that they are the most deserving of and respectful of them. That they respect my intelligence and feelings, that they can listen actively, treat me with care and appreciate the fact that I am deliberately a challenge. I have chosen people to be in my life BECAUSE they have incredible levels of cultural fluency and literacy. I have chosen them because they are worthy of the challenge, and moreover? They rise to it, and challenge me as well. Was I ahead of my time as a child? No. I just went with the people who rejected me less and accepted me more.
I have met very few black men who have extended the respect to me that I require in a friend, let alone in a mate. If I am to extrapolate outwards from the sample I have encountered in my life, the logical conclusion is that black men don’t want me… They want what they perceive me to be before I open my mouth and gravely disillusion them. Men of other races are more likely to want me, because our commanalities are more interesting to us than are our differences. I have been wounded, disparaged and rejected more times by members of the black community than any other throughout my life. To me, “waiting for black love” is tantamount to willingly entering into a controlling, damaging, abusive relationship with a representative of a culture I have rarely felt embraced by.
The people, partners or not, who remain in my life, are the ones who work to earn a place of priority there. They are the ones who return my love, respect and acceptance. My life isn’t full of Facebook Friends or ephemeral acquaintances. It is full of people I love fiercely, deeply and protectively, and colour of the skin be damned. Should I shun the white man who raised me and asked to adopt me, when my own black father told me he didn’t want me? Should I love any less, the beautiful, kind, humourous little siblings my mother created with this white man? Who went out of his way to understand aspects of “black culture” in order to help his own children find their way in life? He is not my biological father. He has earned a role more important than that in my life.
Should I abandon the white man who loves me so much he cries at my pain? Who has supported me in pursuing the things that are important to me, and pushed me to find others? Who, for the first time in over a decade, loves someone so much he actually brought her home to meet his parents and sister (a sister who, for the first time in a decade, has not expressed the opinion that a woman isn’t good enough for her treasured brother)? Who respects my desire to not have children? Who, from the very first day we met, admired my hair, my skin, my figure and features… But looked PAST THEM and admired the parts he couldn’t see? Who continues to love the parts of me he is still discovering?
Why would I give this up to sit on a shelf and gather a thick coating of dust? Why would I wait for a bird that may never land in my bush when I have one in both hands, clutched tightly to my heart? Y’all can keep waitin’ and prayin’. I am grateful for the relationship we have worked to build.
A good black man is no more difficult to find than a GOOD (insert ethnicity, race, religious or cultural preference here) MAN.
Seek love and appreciation. That comes from within, and it is something that one grows into, works at and develops. It isn’t a thing one is born into, as is one’s skin.
*ethnicity
honestly it’s not color … It’s culture shock that’s scares me .
In the past I have had to spoon feed non black men basic black culture
And THAT is tiresome !
I liked it becuase they are hearing it from the horses mouth and not what they see in the movies or pop culture. I don’t come from urban roots, I’m Valley or Country, so what they may see in rap videos wouldn’t fly in my family. Lol
It was a learning experience for me too when I dated other ethnic groups. I would have to say the funniest experience was Persain and Greek. I learned a lot.
I have and will always choose to deal with my own. Who is better able to understand my issues as a black woman more than a black man. I am 40+ and single. I cannot visualize myself with someone who was not of my etnic background.
This is why you’re over 40 and single, more BM are in prison than BW more date out of their race than BW. So waiting on a black man will make many BW single for decades… Passed fertility, and some NEVER get married.
A guy may not be black but he could have empathy, be respectful, loving, and provide and protect you, and your kids.
But mainly THAT is what is important in marriages and that is what keeps it going, not skin color.
I don’t think anyone should be holding out for black love as opposed to love in general. I’m a second generation American and I’ve often felt culturally different from African Americans who have been here for generations, so skin color doesn’t necessarily determine cultural compatibility. There is a common bond in being a minority but that’s not the only thing I’m looking for. Also because of the built-in bias in society against black men there are many who don’t have the opportunity to grow into someone who would make a good husband and father. That’s not always their fault, but black women shouldn’t have to preserve “black love” by overlooking everything.
I agree with you
Follow love wherever it leads. Race be damned, waiting for your so called IBM may be great for some, but personally, I want those who want me #shrug.
Speaking strictly for myself, I know that I would feel like I settled if I stopped looking for the ideal man that I’m physically attracted to and only looked for the ideal man. Physical attraction is very important to me; equally as important as the other traits listed. Being honest with myself, I know there would be days when resentment would lead me to wish my mate were black if I ended up with a non-black man because black features are what I’m sexually drawn to. That said, if blackness is not a source of physical attraction, it shouldn’t be a determining factor in who you date. If it is, you shouldn’t let political correctness or social think tanks convince you to force a connection that you can’t maintain passion for.
I am not one to sit around waiting for anything. People can stay hung up on race and let themselves become bitter and brittle if they want to, but as for me and my chocolate brick house, I will keep enjoying my life with wonderful men who show themselves worthy of a queen like myself. Character and spiritual connection are what matter most to me…I care nothing about color.
If women want to hold out for black love, then I wish them the best. I just stopped caring about finding it for myself about 10 years ago when I started coloring outside of the lines and decided that I liked it 😉
Let’s all just open our hearts and minds to love. Love ourselves, love each other, be open to possibilities. I’m British so I’m not sure what the dating scene is like in the USA but it it’s anything like the UK, dating options are limited full stop. You’re either forced to look within your work pool (would you sh!t where you eat?) or rely on friends and or family for potential connections. Life is both long and far too short to spend it alone searching for unicorns.
So I’m reading this article thoroughly and from what I observed in real life is that there is a negative connotation on black women wanting Black love (or just plain love). Feel free to correct me if I am wrong. The list of traits isn’t really that much of a tall order. There are those that have a long list of requirements for their dream guy which can be pretty unreasonable.
i told a 20-something woman in my family the other day not to focus on black males. i told her to focus on men who will be good to her.
now, if you want to have a black child, i understand waiting for a black male. not everybody wants to raise a mixed child or get caught up in that milieu.
so you have to decide what you want and what’s important to you, like in all things.
I am from the south and almost 23, so that means I should already be married. This is something I often worry about. I went all through college without finding a man and am now about to start graduate school. It’s worrisome because most of the Black men down here are only interested in white and non-Black women. I’m starting to open myself up to interracial dating, but to be honest I feel like I’m settling. I know that sounds terrible, but I always bought into the Black love fairytale. I’m also worried about having biracial children, when my dream has always been to have a Black baby. It’s strange because Black men are not challenged for dating interracially, but as a Black woman I feel like my family would be disappointed.
My husband and I had a biracial son and I love him because he’s a part of me and a part of my husband. When I look at him I don’t see biracial, I see my baby. And my baby loves me incredibly. My life is filled with love. It’s the most amazing feeling to come home to a house full of people who can’t wait for me to be there.
I understand. I just met the Black man of my dreams at 28, but when I was 22, I was settling for dating men that weren’t treating me right just because I was like you: ( in my mind) marriage material and preferring a Black partner. I wasn’t against dating outside of my race, but I didn’t try it until later in life. All I can say is, based on my experience, be open to anyone who treats you well – color is immaterial. And if you’re a spiritual person, keep praying. Your King will come and when he does, he’ll be in the perfect package for your happiness (color irrelevant). Also on the child note, if you are Black, your baby is gonna be Black (maybe not your color, but your CULTURE) 😉 Hang in there, lil sis.
Carla Hall from the Chew found her black lawyer husband online, dating site. Just have a private investigator to check out online people you’re thinking about dating. Marry a black man if you want a black man. There are educated black men in Africa or other parts of the world, don’t give up.
I really hope no one here ever feels like they have to “settle” for someone. If your mind is telling you “Well, he’s not exactly right for me, but since he’s at least ____ I’ll SETTLE” for him”, something needs to change, and it’s probably your mentality towards dating/looking for a partner.
I understand black women wanting to support and show love for black men (especially because it IS expected of us), but women should NEVER have to limit themselves or their happiness to meet a “standard” or to make other people happy. You’re (ideally) spending the rest of your life with this person!!! It’s gonna be a miserable ride if you think you’re just “settling” for him!!!
I naturally started dating out early because I am from a mostly white place and almost all of the black men my age wanted girls who weren’t black. I understand wanting someone of your own race, but if you have to WAIT for them, you may want to expand your options in the meantime if you want a family and a husband.
I’m with you I was raised with Whites and Latinos, so those were my option until I got into the Navy. Then I really branched out, and found my hubby. He’s black but he’s mixed. We are way opposites. He is from Chicago and I’m from a little hick town called Henderson CO. I love that we have different backgrounds cause it makes the learning process better. Lol, Oh the culture he has gained from me and the slang that I’ve learned from him =) lol I love him so.
I waited and waited for black love all the way until I was close to 40 (38 years old) and then, instead of looking for black love, I opened my heart to the idea of just LOVE. Shortly thereafter, I met my now husband, who turns out is not black. We have an amazing relationship based on love, respect, loyalty, family values and passion (can’t leave that out). I don’t know if I would have met him and opened my heart to him had I not changed my expectations about love. I may have met a wonderful black man if I would have waited a little longer but I was starting to feel like my waiting was in vain. I know there are good black men out there who marry black women. I know a few of them. I’m not anti-black men or black love, but in my own experience, it was not profitable for me to have such limited expectations about love.
Completely agree and I’m going to be 100 percent here: The next man in my life will have to share my values, be educated, financially stable (which isn’t the same as rich), caring, etc. These are some of my REQUIREMENTS. His being black is one of my PREFERENCES.
I’ve been accused of having too high of a standard (usually by black men and desperate, insecure black women looking for company in their misery) but what I believe they’re really mad about is the fact that I HAVE standards. There’s only so much martyrdom I’m willing to do for The Race ™. I am thankful beyond words that I live at a time and place in history where I have CHOICES.
*all the applause*
Every time a man has harped about me for having standards that are “too high”, I mentally drop him out of the running. They only seemed high to him because he wasn’t meeting them.
I really shouldn’t have to compromise what I want and need out of a relationship for someone who just doesn’t want to put in the effort to meet my standards. That’s something I live by and I hope everyone else does too. If you find someone but they’re not willing to meet your standards, don’t get involved. If you’re not willing to meet someone else’s standards, don’t be surprised if they don’t want to get involved.
Relationships involved compromise/give-n-take. Standards don’t.
The comment section should officially be shut down.
Good for you – I hope you are happy till 80,90 and beyond. I too wish you’d done that sooner, heck, you could have been wed at 30 if you liked. Still, you found the one. May we all Cheri xoxox