by
Black Girl With Long Hair
Several months back we had a discussion on BGLH about whether a man could love you, but hate your natural hair. Reader Rosa is in that situation, and submitted her reflections.
Recently, while talking to my boyfriend on the phone I asked him a deadly question. I thought I was looking for attention but apparently I was looking for a fight. I asked him what he likes about me. After an uncomfortably long pause he decided to tell me what he used to like about me had changed — my hair!
One fall morning on the train to work I was reading Suede Magazine (an African American fashion magazine that is no longer in print) and it had a spread on women with natural hair. It also featured Miko and Titi Branch, the creators of Miss Jessie’s products. That day I canceled my appointment to get a touch up and decided to go natural. I wore braids and lots of hats while I transitioned. The following May I did the big chop at Curve Salon owned by the Miss Jessie’s creators. It cost over $200 but it was the best cut of my life and lasted at least a year.
2005 was a bad year! My self-esteem plummeted. To be honest, Randy never flat out said “I don’t like your natural hair” but he never said he liked it either. When I dyed my hair light brown (or “Beyonce Brown” as he called it) for my 18th birthday, he loved it. When I cut my hair into a bob because the mix of perm and color made it fall out, he complimented my “First Lady” do. But when I went natural — nothing.
Many of my male friends bluntly said that they liked my hair better when it was straight. I even got a “you look black now” meaning to be an insult. Female friends told me it was okay that I went natural because I have that “good hair.” Little do they know that my thick and long hair comes from my Haitian side, not just because I’m part-Latina. On the rare occasion that I get a Dominican blowout my boyfriend compliments me, but that’s it. Once, while trying to do something with my large, unruly fro he called me a mop head. I nipped that in the bud real quick!
Now before everyone starts bashing him I must say that he is a GREAT guy! He is funny, intelligent, a provider, is determined, and is tall, dark and handsome. He’s a college educated, family man with a great job, etc, etc, etc. We just made 7 years together last weekend and I am very happy. I just have to learn to accept the fact that he prefers my straight hair.
Oh and are you ready for the punch line… He’s been growing his waist length dreads for 14 years!!!
284 Responses
African people in diaspora and on continent have been sold, marketed and pimped to the inferiority of their BEAUTY for commercial and political reasons. Quite a few BUY into the lie of european superiority at every level. This negrow is just one of the fallen and is NOT alone!!! DO NOT CHANGE for those with inferiority complexes, Your beauty is WONDROUS…NATCHALLY
WOW WOW WOW… I was taken aback since this brother wears locs… NO seriously, I almost fell out my chair… he needs a CLUE immediately! Is he serious, he can wear his natural God given tresses, BUT you can’t… how friggin’ hypocritical is that??? OMG, I wouldn’t even know wear to start, to: 1. educate him 2. read him the riot act & 3. tell him to get over it/himself because YOU love it… simple as that! SMH… hmfph! ELEVATE!!
I am not surprised by your boyfriends response. Years ago my Trinidadian boyfriends mother (a woman with dark skin and waist length locs) told him I was too dark and she was worried we would produce dark skinned nappy headed babies. That was before I even decided to go natural. Unfortunately so many of us still suffer from internalized racism and oppression. One of the legacies of slavery was conditioning us to oppress ourselves and each other.
I have gone natural several times. The 1st time I did the BC I was ill prepared and self-conscious. Fortunately I lived in NYC and while some disliked my new look, I received a good deal of support from black men and women alike. The second time I BC’d it was with the encouragement of my white husband who was worried about the effects of the chemicals on our unborn son. I was natural for over 5 years before and relapsed. The 3rd and final time I went natural I did it because I had finally felt ready to embrace my natural hair.
I am truly blessed to be married to someone who thought I was beautiful regardless of what I did to my head. I hope you will one day be equally blessed. As humans we are ever changing. During the course of my marriage (11 years and counting) my hair has changed, my body has changed, my opinions and feelings have change. The one thing that has NEVER changed is my husband’s love and acceptance of me. EVERY WOMAN DESERVES A MAN WHO LOVES, ACCEPTS AND MAKES HER FEEL BEAUTIFUL. Maybe your natural hair journey will serve as a catalyst for your boyfriends transformation…maybe not. Seems like it’s time to examine if he is willing to love YOU or his idealized version of you.
if i were you i’d be blogging about still being a “career girlfriend” instead of his wife after SEVEN YEARS together b cuz thats truly pathetic, know your worth and stop giving a man EVERYTHING that he wants/needs treating him like he’s your husband when he’s not, he still hasnt married you? Seriously, hav u ever read that book, “He’s just not that into you”? Sounds like you need to. Just being honest and keeping it real.
I see dark skinned black men with dreadlocks, braids, afros, etc. with their WHITE women and 1/2 black children all the time here in SC so thats not a shock. The blacker the man’s skin the more likely he is to HATE himself & want to have mixed kids with a white (or other nonblack) woman.
All but one of the dark skinned black men i’ve dated had a strong self-hatred and they verbally expressed this to me. I am a light-skinned black woman and I know that my skin color is what usually attracts a dark-skinned black man to me.
My hair is natural and because I want to get married NOT be some man’s career girlfriend, babymama or live-in roommate I prefer NOT to date a black man. Statistics don’t lie. MOST black men are NOT getting married. So I hope to meet a good, Christian NONblack man. My hair has been natural for 8 months.
Sherron, you stated that you are keeping it real, so I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if I did the same. You sound like a bitter woman. You sound more self hating than the black men you have dated. Where did all this hate come from? I grew up in the 80s and hate was never a part of our lives. I don’t know where it went wrong, but it’s sad….
I guess its hard for some men to go with the flow and learn to love something new. I had the total opposite situation with my bf. I was relaxed when I stated dating him 3 years ago. He has 5 sisters who have been natural all there life and also own 2 natural hair salons with their grandmother. Everytime I would say that im going to get my hair done (get a touch up) he would tell that I needed to go natural. I fought him on it for maybe 6 months until I saw an ad for kinky curly and found videos on youtube. I’ve now been fully natural for more than 2 years and me and my bf are happy.
Love your SELF and whatever makes you realize how blessed you are to be a centered, whole, and complete individual. Those who love you will be drawn to your confidence and what you love about yourself. I am natural and transitioned gracefully in a corporate environment and within a family, church, community that had not embraced the natural look. I am still Boldly who God made me to be, without compromise and they respect me for it. As an adult, you fundamentally cannot put what others think about your superficial qualities dictate how you feel about or carry yourself. It is your God given right to be uniquely you, afro puffs, relaxer, color, blowout, twists, sisterlocks, shaved, bald from chemo, patch missing, lace front, sew in, half wig, tracks, and all. Whatever you do, take care of yourself and make sure your head underneath all the hair antics is at peace with decisions you make for yourself.
My husband actually hates straight hair and would have a serious issue if I decided to relax my hair, especially as he met me when my hair was natural. He doesn’t even like the idea of me getting a weave (although if I did I’m sure he’ll get over it because it is just temporary). I haven’t gotten one since we’ve been together come to think about it lol.
All those women who have had men shatter their self-esteem just because their hair is natural really need to know that there are good men out there who will love them for who they are, including their natural beauty. If you have to spend a lot of money and time on weave or relaxers every month just for your boyfriend to stay attracted to you, then maybe you just aren’t compatible. If he wants a women with hair like the ladies on the Loreal adverts he should go and find one like that and let you be with someone who thinks you’re beautiful just the way you are. My husband met me when I had natural hair so it wouldn’t make sense for him to want me to have relaxed hair. If you met them when your hair was relaxed it might prove to be quite an ajustment for them but when they can’t even mutter a compliment there is something wrong. Society dictates what beauty is and a man’s ego is boosted when his girlfriend or wife fits this criteria. I’m wondering if it’s more to do with what other people think and the idea society has about beauty thats the real issue for these men.
Love your SELF and whatever makes you realize how blessed you are to be a centered, whole, and complete individual. Those who love you will be drawn to your confidence and what you love about yourself. I am natural and transitioned gracefully in a corporate environment and within a family, church, community that had not embraced the natural look. I am still Boldly who God made me to be, without compromise and they respect me for it. As an adult, you fundamentally cannot put what others think about your superficial qualities dictate how you feel about or carry yourself. It is your God given right to be uniquely you, afro puffs, relaxer, color, blowout, twists, sisterlocks, shaved, bald from chemo, patch missing, lace front, sew in, half wig, tracks, and all. Whatever you do, take care of yourself and make sure your heaf underneath all the hair antics is at peace with decisions you make for yourself.
Wow, reading all of this was crazy!!! And I can totally relate and I am Jamaican, a country that is in part full of persons that are predominantly of African descent. Natuaral hair girls in the Islands are now making a silent comeback, but its only mostly seen as acceptable if its dreadlocked. All other natural hair is either considered wild or christian Pentecostal looking.
Fast Forward, living in Germany now with my white German Fiancee and he was the one who convinced me to go natural. He loves my magic hair, and I am now so inlove with it too. Germany has alot of black women, but outside of the mixed kids, I swear I am like the only full black woman with NATURAL hair for hundreds of miles…. atleast. There are mostly African women living here and they all, and I mean all pretty much wear horrible looking sewn in weaves. It is so strange because my white friends here think my hair is glorious and are always complimenting me on the flexiblity in turns of how I am able to style it.It has given me so much more confidence and I owe it to my wonderful man of ‘knocking’ some good sense into my now very beatiful natural head.
I don’t understand why. You are so pretty natural. He best act right before somebody who can’t get enough of those curls comes along.He has locs, I like them but not love them. How would he feel if the tables was turned? He wouldn’t cut them off. He is trippin! 🙂
My “boyfriend” hated my natural hair no matter how I wore it. Braids, Afro, short fro, twist outs, anything, it did not matter he hated all of it! He is now my EX-boyfriend for over 2 years now and I could not be happier! 🙂 I decided two days ago to chop my fro again just for fun and colored it a deep red. Today, I am Loving my hair, loving myself and defining my life on my own terms! Natural hair the same as anything in life is about personal choices and what makes me happy. Self-esteem should be a driving force and not an “option” when it comes to life decisions and how I view myself. Happy and Nappy! I heart bglh… 🙂
[img]http://bglhonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/chopped.jpg[/img]
I really want to know who and where are these crazy a** men, because I don’t many, if any! So serious…my husband LOVES my natural hair. To be honest, he loves it all. He loves it when I wear it curly, bantu-knotted and one of his favorite which he thinks is so cute is when I cowash my hair and twist it. Mind you this is only to let them dry…but he loves it!
Although I’m natural, I like change every now and then. I will NOT ever put a perm in my hair, but I will get a straight wig and rock with it! He loves that too. The thing is my husband supports ME! It’s sad so many women have to face so many selfish men who only want your hair straight. I like to change my hair, b/c it’s fun! I don’t like to look the same ALL the time. BORING!
And I DON’T feel we as black women have to find a non-black man to accept our natural hair. There are plenty of black men that LOVE and embrace our beautiful hair in all textures. I’ve dated white, Asian and Latin men in the past and to them yeah they like it or think it’s “cool”. Some men even want to touch it like it’s a freakin’ petting zoo. Some genuinely like it either way…but others are just really curious, because it’s something new to them!
Black women who encounter these type of men (of ALL races) with these attitudes/hang-ups just need to realize that those men have issues! If he can’t get past the hair in it’s natural state then he can do without you! I do believe men are visual creatures and they like what they like. It’s unfortunate they may not like natural hair and it will be even fortunate for you to find somebody new who does!
I couldn’t even read all of the comments because some of the stories were making me even more furious than the post itself. I don’t understand how this dude with dreads had the gall to put his woman down for also wearing her natural hair! WTF is that?! When I did the BC and went completely natural, it was a shock for everyone who knows me because my relaxed hair used to hang down the middle of my back (I’m 5 feet tall) but my son’s father and MY OWN father were the most rude and disrespectful about my decision. My son’s father damn near fainted when I walked in from the salon. He called me Florida Evans, amongst other things, for months. Now he calls me Foxy Brown, which could be a compliment had he not been so closed minded and rude in the beginning. My dad swore to God that I was going through some severe emotional issues and cut all my hair off in a fit of temporary insanity. Then he offered to pay for all future trips to the salon IF I put a relaxer back in my hair and allowed it to grow back. I politely declined and stood my ground. Both of them have come around and actually are quite impressed with my nappy hair, as they have both called it. The receptionist at my son’s school was natural for five years and recently relaxed her hair because she said it was too much work taking care of her and her daughter’s natural hair. Yesterday she stopped me in the hallway and announced that she has decided to go natural again and I was the reason 🙂 I was so proud I could have cried, but then she said something that did not sit well with me at all. She said she asked her boyfriend how he felt about her decision because she did not want him to be embarrassed by her her TWA once she does the BC. I just told her that she is better than I am because I TOLD my son’s father what I was going to do and didn’t give two damns when he protested my decision. It just makes me sad to know that she would have denied herself had he said he had a problem with her going natural again.
Thxs 4 ur post. I am exactly like u: I tell and dont ask.But to be honest I am aprehemding letting my natural hair out (Ive done it before, have loved it) becausde I know that my Bf may not like it. Im sure He will eventually like ur dad abd ur sweetheart but its just emotionally tiring. I am surprised and saddenned to see that so many black men arent willing to challenge the notions of beauty that are being imposed on them.
Going and staying natural without the support of the most important people in your life is very emotionally tiring, but you have to do what you feel is best for YOU! You can’t please everyone all the time. Free yourself and your hair 🙂 Your BF will either deal with it or hit the bricks. If he chooses to do the latter, then that says more about him than it does about your choice to wear your hair out.
Wow! In this day and age, it is surprising to read your story. Men have always been slower to learn than women (sorry, but, we are keeping it real here, correct), so maybe one day, before the end of time, you boyfriend will learn that he has been brainwashed. I’m willing to be he wears his dreads long not becuase he is in touch with his roots, but, because he loves the long hair that blonde white women wear (beyonce brown – that’s blonde honey). He is a dark skinned man dating a light skinned woman who used to have long “beyonce blonde” hair and he dislikes her natural hair. He may want to take a trip to the motherland (or a shrink, or a self help aisle in a bookstore in Anycity, USA) and learn how to get over his hatred of himself. I personally think you look beautiful and not for nothing, of your before and after pics, you looked good before, but you look absolutely fabulous after…your hair is A-mazing.
[img]http://bglhonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/DSCI0992.JPG[/img]
Hubby and Me-He embraces ALL of me-including my natural hair!
WOW!!! What a subject! My Ex husband didnt really like my hair either-in fact he didnt really like my skin complexion. When I went natural we were pretty much over but I was still hanging on-we were separated 3 months later-but, prior to that , he told me that he would like my hair if once it grew out it looked likehis-He’s black and white, though! I’m not !!! so, I told him my hair wouldn’t look like that unless that was my texture already -and it wasn’t, so he’d have to just accept it. I knew he nevver would. SOme people in his family actually told him they couldn’t blve he maried such a dark short girl. He should’ve/could’ve married a taller lighter skinned, girl with long flowing hair. THey said they expected him to marry a supermodel looking girl. My Husband now-Total Opposite!!!! He met me with shorter natural hair and loved it!!! He still loves it!!!2 years later!!! He loves my dark skin and my height and EVERYTHING about me! I’m 31 as of 11/11/11 and Im so glad I took a chance on love again with someone who accepts and embraces ALL of me!
Honey…God made your hair that way. Anyone who objects to it, that’s their problem. What really matters is how you feel about your hair. In the beginning instances will come up where you FEEL like you have to defend your decisions but after some time that feeling will go away and those HATERS will be following suit asking YOU for advice on transitioning. I hope all goes well for you, but I’m pretty sure you’ll make the decision that is best for you.
Quite frankly, I disagree with most of the comments on this blog. I’m okay with my mate giving me his honest opinion. I don’t believe in throwing out the baby with the bath water. Without knowing anything else about the blogger’s relationship a lot of the “commentator” would have her leave a seven year relationship based on this blog. How silly! Initially, my husband didn’t agree with my decision to go natural but he expressed his understanding that it is my hair and my decision. Obviously, the blogger’s partner doesn’t take this decision as seriously as some of us. He appears happy to be on a picture with her years later. Eventually, his decsion to stay or leave will be much more involved than the locks on her head. Isn’t it funny how we can become so sensitive about our hair when going natural was meant to free us up yet we hold on to judgements and negativity.
I think your hair is gorgeous. I only really get this issue with black men though, whereas mixed race men, white men and Asians seem to LOVE my hair & the guys always are either touching my hair, complimenting it or are suddenly attracted to me. I say that this guy is clearly only for you because of your light complexion. I say ditch him and find a man who will accept you for your hair and everything else. I always say that someones hair represents their personality. If he doesn’t like it, then you shouldn’t like him 🙂
You are gorgeous and so is your hair.
I know tons of people (of all races and genders) in my neighborhood who hate my natural and I get put down all the time. I think it has a lot to do with everyone (including the media) believing the standard is straight hair and every other texture is a problem to be fixed.
However, if I look good and look good I have no reason to listen to their opinions.
However, when it comes to love it is difficult. If he loves you he should love ALL of you.
However, if you’re thinking about transition, talk about it. Then you’ll know his views.
I would NEVER vouch for you to change yourself (thoughts, opinions, etc) for anyone. If it’s something you really want go for it and he should support you. Especially since it harms no one.
Very interesting topic, I hope to see more of this. I agree with NotSurprised,I was born and raised in Amsterdam and most men here have the same attitude, the ones with dreads are no exception. I think some of you are being too hard on Rose, I can relate a little to her situation. I am transitioning with full weaves now and plan to keep doing so for at least another six months to grow out my hair. My bf (who has long dreads) of almost two years has never seen my natural hair, but he mentioned once that he doesn’t like afro’s and that he usually prefers straight hair. Although he’ss trying to be supportive, I can tell that he’s worried. He now has a “Let’s wait and see how it looks on you attitude”. Of course I want him to be enthusiastic, but I’ve just accepted the fact that it’s not going to happen. Just like Rose’s bf he is a wonderful, kind, ambitious man and on top of that he helped through a rough time in my life. Although I agree that our men should love us the way we are, I don’t think it’s a reason to break off a good relationship. I’m curious what his response will be when I actually start wearing my natural hair, I hope to share my own story by that time.
Rose, I think you and your hair are beautiful. Respect to all my conscious, natural ladies out there, you have all inspired me!
It’s a shame that he expects you (without saying it)to accept his natural crown yet he can not accepts yours. My Husband of 4 years and partner for 13 has a different view which I have only realized in the past few years. I have done the big chop two times since we’ve been together. I have relaxed, weaved, braided and coloured my hair. The last time I decided to do the big chop was three years ago when I was pregnant with our last son. As soon as I realized the pregnancy I stop relaxing at that point my hair was already severely damaged. He was not happy with the chop but he was happy that quote “you will not use that crap in your hair any more.” Over the last 3 years I have worn protective styling such as braids, weaves and wigs and to my surprise have never gotten a compliment no matter how fly I thought I looked. Yet.., let me loose out my fro, two strand twist, bantu knots or flat iron it and you see the biggest smile on his face and the compliments are coming faster than I can digest them…he love me in my natural state…as far as He’s concerned I am the most beautiful woman in the world(without make up, relaxer and fake hair that is). It makes it easier for me to embrace my naturality not because I need his approval but because he makes me feel extra fabulous while rocking my Natural. For you my sister and all the others I pray that your partners will accept you for simply being ‘Naturally beautiful.’
As a black male that absolutely HATES weave, extensions, and anything not naturally attached to a woman’s scalp, I must say I’ve had to face my own hypocritical mindset recently. While I hate weave, I do prefer straight hair most of the time. That, or short hair. I’m not big on the curls, fros, afro-puffs, etc… although I admit on some women, it shows confidence and makes them even more beautiful. Not to mention, it just seems healthier. It’s a battle going back and forth with my attraction to real hair but…non-attraction to natural hair (in style). It’s very hard to meet a woman with naturally straight hair, then watch her completely alter that style.
Black women do not have “naturally straight” hair (this is assuming that you are referring to black women as you may secretly be attracted to European women and are unable to cop to it). There are, of course, straight-haired naturals. In this case, the hari does not grow from their scalp straight. There is usually some sort of manipulation to straighten it.
@Likewaterforchocolat, I hope that what you really meant is the majority of “black” people in this country do not have naturally straight hair…there are definitely some who do though. I put quotes around the word black because there is debate about who falls into that category.
I do agree with you, however, this guys seemed to have confused relaxed hair with hair that is not chemically altered. To me, being natural is not a style at all.
This is a trip! I’m just starting to transition, but didn’t make the big chop as os yet. On Dec 27, 2010, I cut my hair to a short Rihanna style and my husband didn’t like it because he prefers long hair, but my stance is what it always is- I will telling you what I’m planning to do, out of courtesy, by I’m definitely not asking for your approval. Those two are never to get crossed over. I say that to say, you are your own woman, whether you embrace it or not! Stop letting men, regardless of race, run you! Take pride in you. If he’s willing to lose you behind some natural hair, he was never meant to keep. I told my husband 2 weeks ago I was going natural and he said ok. You know why?..because he knows whether he likes it or not, I’m doing it anyway. It’s not buying a house or new car without consulting with him, IT’S OnLY HAIR!!!
Finally a comment that resonates with me. I agree 200% with you. I am going natural (my hair isnt permed but Ive been waring extensions) and I amn scared because my bf like long hair. I love him but at the end of the day the decision to let my hair flow is mine. I do not ask for permission when it comes to my hair(styles), I may inform you but definitely not asking. I hope he’ll like it though…;-)
Looks like he has a whole lot of ignorance knotted up in those locks. I’m glad she ignored what he and others had to say. With that said … 14 years 0_0 , he must not be all bad ? Things may change 🙂
I love the punch line… what would he call his hair.. is it natural? Why is his hair more acceptable that yours and please do not make excuses for him. He’s just plain wrong but if you love him and you do not mind him reacting that way about you cause it is not just about your hair then may be you can straighten it because it is what he prefers!! I’m sorry to be so harsh but we as women love to bend over backwards to please our men who do not appreciate us. Why can’t he accept you and all that makes you beautiful?
And I am just plain tired of these black men who prefer something that is not their own!! NO one can predict love but if they prefer white hair then get a white girl and don’t make us black women feel less than!!!
I love the punch line…. one day you must tell him you don’t like his natural hair…. his locs and see what he would do or react. Because thats just wrong that he’s hating your hair but expects acceptance for his!!!
I have the same problem from my fiance… he loves my straight hair but finds a problem when I wear my afros and twists!!! I don’t really take him on as I don’t wish to apply relaxers to my hair any more after having bad reactions to it.
I have sisterlocks. My hubby loves my “predator” hair “because it is like yarn.” Yes, that is what he says and yes, it is a genuine compliment. However, I can still relate. I’ll explain why later.
My hubby is white but, for some reason, he’s not attracted to black women with processed hair. He’s fine with afros but especially likes locs, even on men. He also doesn’t really like certain styles like cornrows. So, I don’t wear those. I must say that I had yarntwists in my hair when I met him. I had an afro for 5 years but he’s only seen pictures. I asked for permission to go for a buzzcut and then sisterlocks when the yarn twists became locked in a horrid fashion. He was okay with it because it still looks and feels similar to him.
Yes, I asked permission. Not everyone believes in that sort of thing. That is fine because all relationships are b/n two people and you should do what works for ya’ll. In fact, I don’t know any other couple who believes what we believe: Since we love each other, we want to be pleasing to each other as much as possible, including physically. As we are married, our bodies belong to each other and we have a certain amount of responsibility to the other. When he wanted to get a tattoo, the condition was that I could pick it. Obviously, we both have the last say when it comes to stuff like this because if you really love someone, you don’t want them to be unhappy with themselves. Plus, how can someone be happy with you if they aren’t happy with themselves? However, more often than not, we don’t do things that would displease the other. Or we compromise.
So, this brings me to how I can relate. My hubby and I differ in our opinions of the ultimate female body. I like curves. He doesn’t. We are both a bit extreme in this area. When I met him, I wasn’t aware of this because it never occurred to me that my hubby might actually like my little twig figure while I yearned for curves. In any case, I eventually (and naturally) achieved a figure of 34-24-38 when I used to be 32-26-36 when I met him. No compliments but no detractors either from him. Finally, he had much the same reaction as your man did when questioned about your hair. Does it stop me? Nope. Did it hurt? Yep. I even considered going back to my old shape. I decided not to because he obviously doesn’t hate it enough to insist that I change it, he just liked the old shape better. Still, it would really be unfair of me to demand or expect that he enjoy something that was not like that when we first met. It’s enough for me that he loves me enough to tolerate it because I enjoy it.
I totally agree with you….I’m transitioning now and I actually ran the decision by my HUSBAND (not boyfriend or someone I was randomly dating), to see how he felt about it. Most of my friends are natural and I wanted to do it b/c women in my family have trouble with colors and chemicals…anyways, he said he was fine with it and just isn’t crazy about afros (which I’m not either)….Ultimately, he is supposertive of me letting the perm go. But I DID ask him first…WHY? Because I owe it to my husband to be attractive to his tastes to a reasonable effort, as he does to me! So many women today are on this “Take me like I am”, but they neglect instituting the same effort with their man….don’t forget, he does have to take all of you but make it something he wants to take, to a reasonable effort and while being true to yourself!
What happens when you have children and they have his hair and completion? Would him leave you? What will he say to your daughter about her hair? Sounds like he has a “type” and is not being true to his intention of why he is with you. He may have some issues of his own and is looking for you to be his “trophy girl”. He may even have chose locks to cover his own hair texture. I would seriously think about these things before spending the rest of your life with him. Just my thoughts. Good luck.
The article illuminates the problem with so-called Black love, which is that it seems REALLY superficial and full of hypocrisy. Black men SAY they want unconditional, ride or die love yet many are quick to jump ship or reject anything that’s not picture perfect to them. I’ve even seen or heard of beautiful together sistas, marry their IBM but end up unhappy, cheated on and divorced a few years later. This stuff is real.
It’s just like that line in Jungle Fever when the wife said, “I always knew you were color struck but that wasn’t enough for you.” Superficial love, ego driven love doesn’t last no matter if it’s a white, light or whatever. A man sees you with his eyes…but should love you with his heart. A few pounds, a new hair style should not FUNDAMENTALLY change a relationship.
It’s not enough for a man to be educated, into family and stable. We MUST dig deeper and examine a man’s capacity to love us for the long haul..for better or worse. All this superficial, trophy wife stuff is for Hollywood and those who aren’t strong enough to stand on their own program. Much love yall!
Sign
Happy to be Nappy.
I am just stunned at what black women put up with just to say they have a college educated black man on their hip. Please! The author needs to find someone who loves her for who she is and not some faux black power man with waist length tresses.
Seriously, the double standard with hair standards with black men and women is just maddening. It seems like no one is asking the question of men (why are you growing your locs long, why are you cornrowing your hair) because to me, it makes them look a lot more feminine. I saw a guy on the train the other day with an afropuff that, if he didn’t have a close cropped beard, I could have sworn was a girl. The main reason why guys say they don’t like a natural hair is because it challenges everything that they’ve been conditioned to believe is beautiful, and yet we as women are just supposed to accept the new masculinity of a guy deciding to cornrow or loc their hair past their shoulders.
Just a short comment but my boyfriend always reminds me that when he first meet me my hair was straight. (I’ve been natural for 8 years but for a year in between I kept my hair flat ironed.) But he has come to see the advantages of my hair. We can do things on a drop of a dime such as swim, play in the rain, and workout together without worrying about my hair! He really loves that lol.
This paradox is disturbing. I am a black female in the Phoenix, AZ area for med school and I can’t tell you the number of black men with locks who have white girls. This just shows that there are many black people who wear their hair for style purposes and it has nothing to do with substance. Hair doesn’t mean anything to some people unfortunately. And all of this is because of the way slavery has cut us off from knowing who we are and where we stand. These types of brothas need to be called out. Just the way I call out brothas who complain about the white man but quickly rebut that they can’t possibly hate the white man. Why? Because if it wasn’t for the white man, they wouldn’t have their daughters to lust after. Sorry to say ladies but this is why it is not enough for a woman to raise a man. Cause it is not working apparently. Black fathers need to call out black young men for their actions.
After reading all these posts, its interesting to hear another perspective on this issue. My hair has been natural for about two years and I wear it in a variety of different styles ( anything from afro to straightened.) I often get weaves to accentuate and add drama whenever I’m feeling adventurous about color. So here’s the thing: My weaves have become somewhat of an addiction. I feel like I’m less beautiful without my extra long tresses. Sad but true. So in reference to this topic, I have been dating a man for about 6 months now, but he has known me for 3 years, and has seen my hair any which way but loose…literally. Anyway, we were on Skype the other day during finals week and my natural hair was pinned up. He asked me to take it down. My first response was a firm NO, but when he insisted, I reluctantly I finally took out the pins and shook it out. To my utter surprise: HE LOVED IT, KEPT SAYING HE LOVED IT: and even PLEADED with me to keep it natural. Just so you know, his hair is very soft and has a loose curl pattern. (Mine does NOT) That moment was lovely and I feel comfortable being natural around him.
That being said, I still will rock sew ins from time to time just because its what I like to do. It’s not so much about anybody else anymore and I think that’s whats important.
I’m not surprised at all by this response. When I was in college, most of the men with dreads wouldn’t talk to ANY black women. And a LOT of dark-skinned men chase after light or non-black women.
What is sadder is that you’d let someone put you down like that and still make excuses for him. I mean, it’s funny how many excuses we make for black man. No one would be supporting the decision to stay with a white man who told you that your natural hair was ugly, but this man’s female relatives have hair like this a possibly a lot kinkier and he can still act like it’s ugly and that you made a mistake.
Seriously, find yourself a man who loves you no matter how you choose to style your hair. You dont’ want to have daughters who grow up with issues b/c their dad thinks that their natural black hair is ugly.
He may be college educated but he is super ignorant, and something tells me that he’d never date a woman who was as dark as he is.
You know, it’s a really big problem is someone makes something as superficial as hair the yardstick for how attractive you are. I guess it wouldn’t be acceptable to him if you got a Caesar cut? So shallow…
i agree with NotSurprised above, hmmmm, that’s a bit scary actually! My hubby totally supported me when i said i was going natural, he loved my TWA so much that he wanted me to keep it that way for at least a year. But i wanted to grow it, it’s now been 20 months, and i am thinking about going back to a TWA (so much easier in my opinion and i like how it looks on me). If he hadn’t supported me, i think it would have affected our relationship, cos i accept all of what/who he is naturally, so why would he not accpet me the way i was made?
All I can say to you my beautiful Haitian sister is that if this gentleman wants to stay with you, he needs to love all of you. My amazing Panamanian wife has big, beautiful hair like yours. My four Haitian/Panamanian daughters (ages 2-7) have wild, wonderful natural hair like their mother.
We are not on this earth long enough to be with people who do not derive an immense amount of pleasure from being around us. I am not in the business of giving out relationship advice, but, “Ou fou si ou rete avec li!”
That’s my $.02
Beautifully said:)
I’m surprised that people are surprised that a man with dreadlocks would be opposed to nappy hair on a woman. This is not uncommon at all, and there are plenty of dark skin men with dreadlocks who prefer all sorts of non-black things: hair, skin color, even prefer non-black women. Not surprised.
What I am surprised about is that the author described him as “caring,” but when she asked him what he liked about her, he didn’t tell her even one thing. He just told her what he used to like. It’s almost like he said “nothing, I used to like something about you, your hair, now that’s gone.” Dang, he doesn’t like her intelligence, or kindness, or determination, or understanding (and I know she has that last given how forgiving of this indiscretion she was in the post)? He just liked her straight hair? Um, okay.
Well I’m sure the second thing to pop into his mind was her light skin, but luckily he knew that wouldn’t have gone over so well and caught himself. When I was younger, I wished to be lighter skinned so that I could get more positive attention from black guys. But now that I’m older (not yet 25) I’m glad to know that if I were to break up with my non black man that I’m with right now and were to end up with a black man he would love me for me. Like seriously if a “good black man” marries a darker sister with natural hair you better know he loves that woman more than anything. Cuz that just doesn’t happen very often.
Co-sign. It is not surprising. As a lighter complexioned black woman, I attract a lot of darker-hued black men and pretty much most of them have that complexion complex. A lot of men look at that complexion and straight hair as a status symbol, particularly if they are dark. I also think that he was attracted to the poster’s “non-blackness” as being part Latina. While black men do consider Latinas to be ethnic, they feel that it saves them from being labelled a “sellout” because they are not dating a white girl. On a couple of occasions, I was asked if I were Dominican when I lived in FL, due to my complexion and hair style at the time. AA men in FL feel that you must be exotic in order to date you. I have never been one to discriminate against men of a certain hue
Honestly I think he sounds a bit hypocritical. For him to have locks and then want his woman to have straight hair? Alot of men like “trophy women.” I have went through that myself when I started to go natural and I had totally different men to approach men as a natural woman. Alot of men are so brainwashed and so europeanized that they don’t know beauty we have been blessed with. It’s really sad to know that alot of men don’t support women with natural hair. I hear alot of black men talk about black women so much. But as we are trying to go back to our roots and have healthy hair, skin, and bodies we get negativity from some of them. It’s really sad and disturbing as well.
Ugh… all I can say is 7 years with no ring and he doesn’t like your hair. Just because someone has a college degree and provides financially does not mean they are a “good man”. It simply means they have a sense of responsibility. Honestly, he sounds like he has major issues… maybe you should start spending more time outside until you get a little darker and see if he starts complaining that you spend too much time outside. If I had to guess, no offense meant, I’d say the only reason he probably got with you in the first place and has stayed this long is because you “light complexion” matches his criteria… therefore meaning your relationship is more about what you represent as a trophy than who you truly are on the inside.
+1
amen
truth.
COSIGN.
OMG! Your comment was perfectly said, nothing else need to be said!
Thank you!! THANK you!! THANK YOU!!!
Davina you said it all!
I’ll just say, it’s up to you what you do about this, but no one should make you feel bad about wearing your hair the way God made it. Also… can I just say to everyone being biracial does not been your hair is necessarily tamer than anyone else’s believe me I know and my Dad’s hair is straight, but my hair is big and kinky. Anyone who says your hair is ugly is wrong.
wow. i wouldn’t have guessed that a man with dreds would prefer his girl to have straight hair over natural. i think your hair looks beautiful! when i did the BC, my guy was not only supportive, he shaved my hair off for me. he likes my hair natural, he compliments me all the time on how nice it looks… before i went natural i wondered how he would feel because he’s a fairly conservative white guy but it was what i wanted to do and he never once made me feel anything less than beautiful for it. i hope your guy wakes up and gets over HIS problem.
…and the reason why more and more Black woman are dating non Black men FULL STOP/NUFF SAID.
A lot of my black male friends have complimented me for having my hair natural, but I have never seen them date a girl with natural hair. My husband just happens to be white lol. I still think a lot of men are influenced by western societies’ standards of beauty and are probably more concerned with what other people think.
Amen!
Anallia
28 September 2010 at 12:26 am
Permalink
Wow. This is why you can never judge a book by his cover. Your man looks like a conscious, bohemian, earthy type of dude. I would never guess that a black man with long dreds would prefer his woman to have straight hair. The two of you are beautiful together. Your complexions and hair are together are AWESOME ! He needs to wake up and smell the coffee…lol. Your natural hair not only compliments you, it compliments him too!
Wow. This is why you can never judge a book by his cover. Your man looks like a conscious, bohemian, earthy type of dude. I would never guess that a black man with long dreds would prefer his woman to have straight hair. The two of you are beautiful together. Your complexions and hair are the shit. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee…lol. Your natural hair not only compliments you, it compliments him too!
I think your man is a big hypocrite, and I think there’s something deeper to him not liking you with natural hair. He probably doesn’t like natural hair on all black women. Ask him what he thinks about wavy hair (loose curls), perhaps a person who is biracial or has latin hair. Would something be wrong then? Smh.
i am sorry but what i have 2 say to the two women who CRIED cause their love interest insulted their hair and then STAYED with them…..smh…..i am sorry but i am a very blunt person and i guess that is why ppl kinda know what and what not to say to me but i have never had a man (ESPECIALLY on that i was dating) EVER tell me that my hair was ugly or that i should straighten it. i am 18 years old and went natural when i was 16 and all the dude that i have EVER been around have given me nothing but complements about my hair and i wish the person i was dating WOULD tell me that my hair was UGLY……he would get told so badly he would have nothing to say for days and on top of that he would get booted IMMEDIATELY idk if he said he loved me or not or if i loved him saying something like that to me is like telling a dude his wank is small or that he doesnt do the bang bang well i mean come on….for someone to take an insult like that and keep that person in your life self esteem is obviously not a priority to them…..wow…i am just shocked….i could see if he came back and sorry after you dumped him or whatever but i would definitely make sure he crawled before i forgave him for that…..smh…wow
well…you’re 18. Probably 19 by now. That’s a hell of a hasty judgement you’re passing on the author and previous commentors, dont you think?
Taneica I agree. That is a hasty judgement. Just because he doesn’t like the hair means nothing…If they’re still together that means the love is there. Relationships don’t mean you agree on everything or like everything the person does.
I agree with Taneica and Ashleu as well Krianne… When you are in more serious relationships you will understand it better. I agree that the women did take it pretty rough and could have up and walked away but my hair is a part of me and someone wanting to be with me will have to accept that. But being an adult, you will learn that sometimes accepting certain things, even small ones as minor as hair styles, takes time. I personally wouldn’t have stayed but I will not pass judgement on someone who did because there are other things I would have stayed for that others wouldn’t. When you are older you will understand…
I agree with Krianne. To put up with such a mean statement isn’t love. You can’t allow someone to put you or your hair down. I’ve been in a serious relationship for 15 years and if he ever said anything so hurtful to me there would be trouble. A man has to accept you and your hair just as women accept men. If he can’t deal, there’s another man who will cherish you COMPLETELY.
I think that all the adult women taking abuse from men have something to learn from this 18 year old girl.
the fact that everyone wants to be ageist and put her down cause of her youth tells me that you women PREFER abuse to liberation. TO HELL with any man, 7 yrs together or 47 yrs together, who puts you down and upholds the white supremacist beauty standard.
This young sista is the ONLY ONE IN HERE making any dang sense. Out of the Mouth of babes!
Sis keep your head up! Know that grown women are jealous of your strength and tenacity and do not ever submit to their jealousy and stupidity. women police one another all the time, if u been with some dumb man for years and the moment u cut ur hair off or decide to do something different with YOUR HAIR, he wants to cut up, you NEED TO LEAVE HIM. no matter HOW MUCH it hurts!
women need to stop being so stupid and grow up already. stickin around some man who dislikes what you look like is POISON!
I just had this happen to me a week ago. My “friend” told me in front of my momma that he needed a comb, because he “do natural, but don’t do nappy!” My Mother told him off quickly, and he still was asking for a comb! It was horrible and soooooo hurtful. Haven’t talked to him since! All you ladies who stay with a man that has no problem hurting your feelings and not supporting you, while you support him in his endeavors/looks/wants, need to make sure that you aren’t settling out of desperation–that’s all I’m saying! BTW, I’m 37.
STAND STRONG SIS! these women are JEALOUS they don’t have the strength or sense you have at 18. It is my hope that you carry this sense with you throughout your life. ANY MAN who disrespects you, insults you, upholds white supremacist beauty standards against you does NOT DESERVE YOU!
women get grown and beat down by maleness and begin submitting to it. I was a lot like u at ur age and to this day I am the same and I encounter these broads with their low self esteem and preference for male issued praise DAILY. it never changes, and you too should never change. xoxo
Wow!!! at this topic my boyfriend and i have been dating for alomost 3 years the 29 of this month and last september i decided that i was through of the perms and creamy crack my hair just would not grow it always broke off no matter what i did to it silk scarfs deep conditioners wrapping it just everything nothing worked look good or 2 mths the next thing i know its breaking off… but he would just insist that i should keep going and getting it done and permed “it’ll be straight” is all he ever said… bump that i started transitioning and with the two textures it would just get nappier and nappier i was wearing hats and scarfs he hated it always saying why don’t you go and get your hair done blah blah blah so i told him that i was going natural with my hair he was like okay now i see why didn’t you just tell me that… said i had him wondering lol when i finally did my BIG CHOPP!!! everything just went down hill he though i was going to cut it and get it pressed and ironed but when i told him NO MORE HEAT he was like its ugly!!! and that he was never going to like a fro on me…. yes of course i cried and really wanted him to say all the things he used too but i realized that I’m the only one wearing my hair and if he doesn’t like it he know where the door is because he was not about to sit up and tell me that just because i made a change for the better in my life that it was ugly and that if he love me like he says he does then i could cut my head bald and things wouldn’t change about me… it took 3 months for him to fully adjust to my hair he touches it now lol takes me to get it braided up into cute styles and he likes the way it curls he even bought me a book full of women with natural hair… and apoligized to me… he thinks i should get dreads and that they would look nice on me…(i don’t want dreads) but i’m happy hes happy and were happy (((finally))) back to normal…
I too experienced some negative responses from a romantic interest due to my natural hair. Last year I had met a guy through family and friend connections and we clicked (or so I thought) and I let him know up front, one of my pet peeves was people who did not respect my decision to have natural hair since the family I was staying with were constantly teasing me and downing the way my hair looked. When I actually started to date this well educated and successful guy he never told me I was pretty or cute and he never touched my hair like everyone else did, even white guys were begging to touch my afro puffs or curls, but my boyfriend didn’t. And the family I was staying with told me I had better think about relaxing it if I was going to get serious with him because he probably wouldn’t like the “natural thing”. (Mind you, I may take hours fixing it into a perfect style and then walk out in the pouring rain without an umbrella and smile because I know it won’t mess it up, so I always invite people to touch it and see how soft it is.) So when I asked him what the deal was he told me he didn’t like natural hair. On anyone. He wanted a woman with straight, long hair. And when he got married his wife would have straight, long hair. Of course, I spent many hours crying about this because I really adored and loved this guy, but I tried to reason with him. He was a nurse, and liked to wear his scrubs out in public like normal clothes because they were comfortable. I did NOT like that, especially when he had nice clothes, but I never mentioned it to him because he was clean, comfortable and nothing about wearing scrubs like jeans and t-shirt is against anything the Bible says. I mentioned that to him and that my hair is me and it has never been this long relaxed and nothing about natural hair is against God’s laws and in the winter I like to switch it up and flat iron it for a 8 or 10 weeks. What I said did not matter to him either way. After more time had passed, I took him home to meet my family and we had a special occassion to attend so I straightened my hair when I really did not want to, and I was so INCREDIBLY uncomfortable, I felt like I was naked in front of everyone. And it was the only time he ever told me I was beautiful… To this day, I still choke up when I think about it. Needless to say, we don’t speak to each other to this day, but nothing about the way you wear your hair should have a bearing on ANY relationship in your life. If someone loves you, they love all of you. And that, my dear, is the truth. 😀
LOVE,LOVE,LOVE this blog…you are a beautiful woman and I commend you for putting your story out there for others to relate to. 😉
I know that many women feel it is ok to relax their hair and that’s great. However you look so much more gorgeous with your natural hair. You are drop dead gorgeous! Just as one of the ladies who commented above mentioned, I too agree that you are having doubts about your relationship. Your significant other, partner, husband whatever has a responsibility of accept you completely as you are. It seems to me, he is not. This is very painful. My experience is the opposite, my boyfriend convinced me to wear my natural hair sans weave or faux braids and I love him all the more for it. Your hubby has to lift you up as you are not praise and try to create a faux version of you to love. This will continue to haunt you until he lets go of this ignoramous ideal, or you let go and invite a confident man into your life that accepts your entire beautiful package. Cheers to you beauty for not changing your look for him. Their are many beautiful men out their who would love to create a lovely life with you. Muahhhhh!
Stay strong…that picture of you on the beach looks so nice, don’t let him take that smile away!
You look beautiful and deserve to be accepted in any way you feel comfortable. Sunshine, Chanel and others really hit the nail on the head in everything they said. Many of the dark-skinned men I’ve known have some kind of issue with hair and complexion–they only liked girls with long, straight hair and several shades lighter than they were. It is sad, but that really is what some of them are conditioned to believe is “Real Beauty”.They simply must be re-educated about this, but if not, deserve someone who accepts you and compliments you on how you look regardless of your hair texture. It just seems so petty and trivial and I;m sure that you have so many other things that are beautiful about you other than your hairstyle.
I feel so bad for women that have that kind of experience with their man. My new husband and I have been together for 7 years and he absolutely loves me natural. I am the first natural woman he has been in a relationship with and he would have it no other way.
I hate to say this about Randy but I think he is apart of the group of dark skin men that feel like it’s okay for them to look “black” but they don’t want their woman to look like that. I am a dark-skin woman, but all of the women in my immediate family are light. I have heard it all when it comes to men liking their light-skin women to look mainstream.
It sounds like you have your head on straight. I hope you stay strong, because your hair is much more beautiful and full natural.
He’d betta mind before someone scoops you AND yo natural hair off his hands!!!!!!
I hope this gets noticed, and that another article becomes of it. Looking at the picture of her boyfriend I notice that he is a very dark skinned man. I find that many dark men have issues with self hate and when dating they prefer lighter women, so light that they date outside of their race. I think some adults date with genetics in mind (i.e. darker men don’t want dark children like them so they prefer to lighten up the gene pool). Maybe her boyfriend liked her because she had long straight (Eurocentric) hair and light skin- but now that she has kinky, AfrIcentric hair it reminds him of a part of his black self that he does not like. Because her boyfriend’s attitude about her natural hair makes her uncomfortable, I do not think it is a healthy situation.
CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY a guy that does NOT have locs is not considered natural??
Even if the guy had a hair cut wouldn’t he be considered natural ???
Is that a way to GIVE A PASS THE OTHER GUYS? I often here people say: ”You don’t like my hair but that is the hair that grows out of your mother’s scalp.” WELL , that’s the hair that grows on YOUR scalp and it is unaltered. I can care less if he has locs. To my mind, it has nothing to do with topic. Unless…..you think natural hair is a hairstyle lol.
*lesigh* Oh dahling, I wish I could say I agree with you that this young man is a “good guy”. I mean on one hand if his non-acceptance of your hair was a deal breaker then you guys wouldn’t be together. But at the same time if he’s looking at the same beautiful woman I see, then he’s a little crazy and I would tell you that there ARE men out there who will tell u all of you including your beautiful natural hair is B-E-Autiful. Now if your trying to hold on to this brother (who i think is extremely hypocritical since he has LOCS! smh) then you gotta accept that he doesnt like your hair. YOU like your hair right? Then unfortunately and fortunately that is ALL that matters sweetheart. But between us girl, DROP HIM! Sorry but I don’t appreciate hypocrites and men who make beautiful women feel self conscious about the hair that grows out their head and they have THE SAME HAIR WE DO! So choice is yours but either talk to him about the fact that you feel a certain way about it or just accept that he doesn’t accept your hair. I’ve been there and I’m still a gorgeous natural and the guy is long gone. You be you and men will appreciate it or keep it moving.
Wow, its a little weird that he has locs but doesn’t like your natural hair….Thats really weird actually. I think a lot of naturals in the beggining have some days when they don’t have the highest self esteem. But then again Women of all walks of life have bad hair days. I hope your boyfriend has a turning around if this is someone you want to be with. Ive always said, if you can’t love my fro, you’re gonna have a hard time loving me.
People I think we need to remember that these men especially black men grow up in the same household and society as we may have grown up in (i.e relaxed straight long hair). I think the key thing that needs to be done for her is having an open honest discussion with him about why you wanted to change your hair and what it truly means to you. A great article I found may help further explain what I’m talking about. http://thenaturalhaven.blogspot.com/2009/06/question-of-week-unsupportive-husband.html Simply bashing the guy isn’t going to help b/c I know for a fact my bros weren’t with it at first but after I explained to them why I did it they were more accepting and understanding. We gotta rememeber that these men were raised under the same conditions we were.
Wow I cant believe the response from your boyfriend considering that he has been growing his locs for 14 yrs. Sorry your self esteem took a dip, but girl just do you and know that you are beautiful. Your hair is fabulous by the way.
This is why I can’t do superficial… Yes, brothers struggle with self love/hate too… but, because it’s a struggle I would prefer someone who is a little more enlightened than me ( so that they can help and support me when I’m struggling) .. that has nothing to do with a college degree.. The fact that some men still think like this “light skin.. long hair= worthy of taking home to meet mom” is discouraging. What if you were dark skinned and had locks just like his…could he love her like he loves that look on his self? Hair really is a small shallow thing though. What if you have baby together and can’t drop that baby weight? What kind of problem does that create? I don’t know maybe there is somthing deeper than just hair. 7 years is a long time to be a girl friend!
Girrrlllll. You have beautiful hair. Having a bf that does not like your natural hair is a drag, BUT you are so strong because you have not relaxed it. He has locks…. I am having a hard time believing that. Is that pic of him photoshopped??? SMH
from the way you described him..he is very superficial
lol im in shock with the last line… him having long locks yet he loves your straight hair??? it’s kind of a slap in the face, honestly, i’d assume he’d prefer you in your natural state. he fooled me!
this makes me both angry AND sad. his double standard is NOT okay. you look BEAUTIFUL with your natural hair…if he can’t accept that,it means he’s not accepting you and that’s a problem.
I’ve gotta say it, others have been beating around the bush and throwing excuses left and right…. DROP HIM!
Life is way to short to be dealing with such foolishness. Honestly, despite his dreads and dark skin he’s got some underlying issues around true beauty ideals. Did he ever like you for you or was it the light skin and long hair? I’ll alway remember what my grandmother told me, men meet women expecting them never to change, and women meet men planning the ways to change them. Do you want to be singing these same lines for years, or perhapse you’ll get lucky and he’ll finally wear you down and you’ll go back to relaxing? You were young when you met, not all first loves are meant to last forever, call this a learning experiance and move on before you get stuck.
If you think I’m harsh ask yourself if you would really be posting this to us if you hadn’t had the same thoughts deep down? I think your looking for the strength to do what you’ve already decided.
Do you think it may be the way you wear your natural hair???? My boyfriend likes my natural hair better than when I had a perm, however, this past week for his b-day he wanted me to wear it straight (as if natural hair couldn’t be formal)…I reluctantly agreed ( I don’t mind wearing it straight but I did not want to waste 3 extra hours doing it)….I got lazy and used my day old curly fro and did all kinds of twists and braids into an updo with the curls falling down from the top. That boy wouldnt stay off of me! He loved it! What do you guys think? Maybe its not the textures but the style itself? I’m just trying to give this man a benefit of a doubt here…
Questions I think you should ask yourself then your boyfriend:
1. Why do you need to accept someone that does not accept the natural you?
2. Why does your boyfriend find himself attractive in his natural state, but doesn’t view you as attractive in your natural state?
I don’t think you wrote this blog because you were looking for compliements. I nor anyone else needs to tell you that your hair is beautiful. You already know this.
I advise that you have a “Come to Jesus” talk (that’s what we call very serious conversations in the South) with your boyfriend about your hair; not with people on the internet. Nothing we can say to you will help the seeming tension that is between you and your boyfriend. I assume you want to marry your boyfriend some day, which is why I think you are tolerating the pink elephant in the room that is your hair. Please know that his feelings about your hair will not change after you get married. So, have the come to Jesus talk before that time.
That is what I think.
Hey I am in this same situation with my hubby. We met back in 2001 and I used to braid his hair until one day he decided to get dredlocks. Then when we got married 6 1/2 years ago and we had our son, he wanted him to have dreds. When I was 25, I decided to break off the creamy crack and go natural after my hair broke off. I had to restore it myself and ever since then I started going natural. My hubby didn’t like the fact that I wanted to go natural, but lately when I have a nice natural ‘do on my head and dress nice, he would say, “you look nice”. Then one time I was tryin my best to get my hair done in the bathroom and he told me you don’t have to stay up too late to do your hair, I can care less about hair. Then he also told me he would love to see every women no matter what color they are to have a nice hairdo. But the fact that he and our son is natural themselves, I should be natural as well to complete the family. He is still learning from me about this natural haircare thing because now he knows this is my passion.
your hair is fabulous. F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S. and i actually think it speaks highly of your man that he DOESNT like your hair but you have still been in a healthy, happy relationship for the past 7 years. *ducks stones* A lesser man would have told you to change your hair back or it was through. No relationship is perfect and we all have things about our mate that we may not like but we deal with because we love them, so congratulations on finding a man who loves you regardless of how he personally feels about something as trivial as hair.
Ashley said: ‘It’s as if a girl with brown hair who always bleached it blonde and met her guy as a blonde got tired of the upkeep and decided to embrace her natural hair color. It would be terrible if her guy were to make comments like “I miss when you were a blonde bombshell.”’
Why is this a terrible comment? We arent allowed to have our own opinions about what our partners do and dont do? Especially when they make DRASTIC changes to their appearance, from the way it was when we first met them? We have to support them wholeheartedly in EVERY endeavor? Without open communication about what we like and dont like in our relationships, how can they succeed? Because clearly she knows his opinion and they have come to some kind of compromise about how he feels and what she actually does, or else they wouldnt have made it seven years. And if he REALLY hated her hair, i doubt he would be posing in pictures with her.
just saying.
Uhm Mm. I don’t like Randy. lol
There’s no accounting for taste, you look fabulous, but well it seems like the dude loves you otherwise. For reasons I can barely explain, I have a thing for tan sporty guys with curly hair and my husband is nothing like that, but I love him anyway. So, uh. I don’t know. But I don’t think you should make too much of it.
“I’m a victim brother. I’m a victim of 400 years of conditioning. The man has programmed my conditioning. Even my conditioning has been conditioned!” – Chameleon Street (1989)
Oh honey after I read the entire story and got to the bottom and saw the photo of you two I had to re-read! I thought I missed something about how you met another brotha who accepted your natural hair…. How ironic he has locs and dislikes your natural hair! Wow!!
Let me also tell you that I LOVE your hair!! Absolutely beautiful!!!! Keep up the good work. I love his hair as well!
I will also say that I was nervous when I went to my natural hair. The man that I was dating grown used to me wearing micro braids and sew in weaves. He had no clue how my natural hair looked (neither did I for that matter). I will admit that I was nervous about his reaction as he did not meet me that way! I figured he would have to get over it as the braids and weaves were the transition that I needed to grow out a halle berry short hair style. I didnt have any issues out of him and he decided to marry me so I gueses he didnt hate it as bad as I thought he would! If he hated it he never told me!
Hang in there and dont give in to a perm! So unfortunate but maybe he will grow to love it because it is a part of you! At least that is my hope for your two.
That’s too bad. I believe that a man can dislike a quality about you but still love you as long as his disdain doesn’t “stain” the relationship. But if he makes you feel bad about yourself then I would question what are the possibilities between us. It’s not just about curly hair, it’s about a having a preference over loving the person. If this person rides for you, is there for you, loves you unconditionally and he/she just happens to be, let’s say slew footed, hey, deal with it and move on. But if he’s a jerk about it (which it doesn’t seem like he really is) than again, it’s questionable. And let’s be honest, we want to be appealing to our men. But if you are happy and you like it, we should love it!
BOYS!! What are we going to do with them?
I must say that YOU and your hair look far more vibrant & alive in your curly state. Not to discount your beauty before, but your hair made you look tired & lifeless. I’m amazed how many people actually prefer this look.
As for your boyfriend…I’m not sure how I feel about this. My hair’s been natural my whole life w/the exception of 8 months. My ex’s issue was short hair, not natural hair, & clowned me when I cut it, calling me Florida Evans. We both got over it. What you’ve described causes me concern though. Since it hasn’t driven you back to the relaxer I suppose it isn’t as serious as it kind of reads. So…I’ll mind my business. Good luck!
Your boyfriend should be thanking his lucky stars that he has such a beautiful girlfriend. You are such a catch. AND your natural hair is thick and healthy. Isn’t that more important than having straight hair? I think so. Keep rocking it. 🙂
Don’t ever let anyone talk down to you. You’ve been together 7 years so you obviously love each other but stand up for yourself! Let him know that if he want to make it to year 8 he needs to stop the negative hair comments.
His stance about your natural hair is HYPOCRITICAL to say the least. However, I do not see it as being an issue that has affected your relationship. So with that said, all the very best in convincing him to embrace your natural hair as he has your personality etc. Tell him hair is part of the package baby!!!lol
There’s not a whole lot I can say that hasn’t already been said, but I just think it really IS a punchline that he has locs but doesn’t like your natural hair!
I’m with summer-daze: His locs probably just a hairstyle rather than coming from consciousness. Hy husband is a rasta, and he wanted me to go natural for YEARS before I actually did it.
That said, to each his own. Your hair is gorgeous, and as long as he’s not making negative comments and you’re not arguing about it every day, I say let it go. He’ll just have to learn to live with it just as there are things about him that I’m sure you’ve learned to live with. Relationships are about give and take, right?
I loved this!! Great blog. I had a similar experience when I did my BC on July 11, 2010 (very recent, yay me!). My boyfriend’s problem wasn’t the natural part…it was the BC he didn’t like. Lol. He does not like women with “boy cuts” or extremely short hair…so that was and still is a little issue. He prefers long hair. But, he understands why I’m doing it and knows that I’m growing it out so it’s cool. I absolutely love my hair and my little curlies!
Your hair is beautiful and even if ya”ll are old and gray and he still likes what he likes, it doesn’t really matter. I respect others’ preferences as long as it doesn’t become an every day battle defending your own preference.
And I love your punch line because…my boyfriend had locs that I did not care for! Lol!
Peac and Blessings.
This is a great topic! I experienced this issue with my ex as well. But I aggree with Jc, it’s your own personalized swag that matters. I just wish I had more confidence and awareness of myself when I had natural hair during that relationship. After wearing braids (which my ex did not mind), I ended up perming it for that much sought after regular “look”. while he never complimented my natural hair (shoot I didn’t even think it was cute!) he never downed it either. He actually told me that it wasn’t about the state of my hair but how I styled it. I could have tried more natural styles to turn my swag up but instead I permed it b/c I thought that’s what I should do. The moral of MY story is that you will forever be hawt fire to your man regardless of your hair. Thanks for the topic Peace!
I wasn’t going to comment because there are already so many but I can’t help myself.
Not only is your hair gorgeous but your guy should appreciate your natural hair because it is your natural hair. It’s the way you are like when you don’t wear makeup or any other temporary “enhancements”.
It’s as if a girl with brown hair who always bleached it blonde and met her guy as a blonde got tired of the upkeep and decided to embrace her natural hair color. It would be terrible if her guy were to make comments like “I miss when you were a blonde bombshell.”
I don’t think it’s okay if a significant other can’t accept you as you are. In that respect, it’s not just hair.
So I hope your guy comes around.
Im sure your boyfriend is a nice person and all but he is CRAZY if he doesn’t like your natural hair. Its GORGEOUS! i love it! I’ve been natural for a year and half myself, and ive come to realize that the most important thing is excepting and loving your hair.
dont ever doubt it looks amazing cuz it does!
hehe said: “beside the hair issue. why did he pause and then tell you what he use to like about you. hmmm.”
O-KKAAAYY!! I forgot to add that in. When he took that long behind pause, I would have said “goodnight” & spent the rest of the night evaluating our relationship. What the aych was THAT about?
Black Married Momma said: “Seven years is a long time to be someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend.”
It really is…
When I think of hair, I think of health period. What you do to your body inwardly will be shown outwardly. To make comments disapproving a part of God’s creation is ludicrous. We can blame it on the European society or what black men don’t like but it is an issue of what we see within ourselves. You don’t have to be obligated to mold to what a man wants you to do because of his selfish reasons. Clearly, there is beauty here but he refuses to see it. I am most certain that if this issue was vice versa he would A. not care what you thought or B. broke it off with you. I am not judging you nor him but it is an issue of dehumanizing oneself from belittling comments and basically accepting it. I say accepting because you allow yourself to be in a situation where someone looks at your worth as meaningless. You listed superficial things that he has but what is the worth of his quality. Maybe it also could be an issue of you accepting yourself whole-heartily, so therefore you neglect self to stay committed to such guy. This is not to say he is not a beautiful person but maybe he has to accept a different perspective than what the world is pushing. He may be correct for another female and vice versa for you. I believe us natural women are hot commodities that others have yet to realize. It seems he is putting a face value on you whenever you don’t need his validation but God’s period. Your natural mane makes you look more feminine in my opinion but I also don’t matter. What are his motives to being obsessed with relaxed hair? Ask him that question and I’m sure you will get a perplexed look from him. Sometimes we eagerly and ignorantly accept a certain thing because it is what we are used to. When we allow ourselves to continue on in the same environment we are amazed at the fact our situation hasn’t change. Subliminally we expect a different outcome but the former continues in a state of disappointment. I don’t know if this is stressing for you but ask yourself this question. Could you live and be married to a man who will always show his disdain for you? Yes we are suppose to be attractive for our spouse (in marriage) but at what cost. If it is jeopardizing our health then no. Seek God on this matter and he will help you to make the correct decision. God bless you!
I hope the author chimes back in at some point. She may already have, but I couldn’t make it through all of the judgments/comments. Her man is getting roasted (unfairly) on here. I guess quite a few of us have forgotten what our views were like before we went natural. I know I went through a period of acceptance even after I went natural. I absolutely LOVE my natural hair now and no one could convince me to change it, but that wasn’t always the case. If it took time for me to accept my own natural tresses, shouldn’t I allow someone else, who is used to my long, straight hair, the time and patience to learn to love it as I do? His not liking her natural hair even though he has locs is not uncommon. I know naturals who can’t stand locs. I know locers who can’t stand “wild and free” hair. I wear my hair in a barely tamed fro. I love it. I know (and accept) that not everyone does. Doesn’t make them evil. Just human.
I’m confused as to how he has locs, yet has nothing positive to say about natural hair. His locs are obviously just a hairstyle to him bc they’re definitely not bc he’s conscious! Any man that is conscious would LOVE to see a sista wearing her hair naturally. PSSHH!!
BennyCocoaButter – Thank you, kind sir! We need more men that think the way you do in regards to natural hair 🙂
First of all, I think you look STUNNING with your natural hair: You are glowing & radiant. Your story made me sad. Hair isn’t “just” hair for ANY woman. I accompanied a close friend to her chemo sessions and I recall the day that her nurse told her that her hair would fall out. The three of us were all crying, sobbing, snotting, etc. The nurse said something I will NEVER forget: “If anyone tells you ‘Oh, it’s just hair, it’ll grow back’, ask them to shave all of their hair off to prove their point.” I can’t comment on your relationship because I feel it wouldn’t be fair… You obviously came here to vent. I wish you well in your journey and I hope you find peace, happiness and joy. Stay strong.
Your natural does indeed look fabulous! Your straight hair looks great, too. To me, one of the best things about having natural hair are the numerous styling options. You can straighten it, wear it natural, twist it, braid it, etc.
Now, it is VERY intersting that your man has locs but doesn’t like your natural hair. I’m not sure what to make of that. But I will say this. As naturalistas, many of us struggled with the decision to leave the relaxers alone and embrace our natural hair texture. (I’m 30-something now and have been relaxer free for about 5 years. My mom relaxed my hair when I was 4!) It takes time for us to adjust from the look of straight hair to the look of natural hair. We should consider that if WE need time to adjust, our men may also need some time to adjust.
That being said, it sounds like you have a great guy who will probably come around in time. Regardless of what happens, keep rockin your fierce natural hair!
Girl you are beautifully natural, you with straight hair is also pretty but the depth of your beauty is wearing your hair the way God intended to be: FREE!!!!
Have you two ever talked about why he does not prefer your natural hair?
1. I say we band together and get the boy some glasses.
2. Here is some wisdom from Katt Williams. The video has a lot of swearing but it is hilarious. Here is a fact – self esteem does come from the self, has nothing to do with the guy.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=5401848
3. Loving your hair has nothing to do with relatives, friends or family. Much like self esteem, it comes from within.
Wow!!!! I was TRULY surprised to see that your boyfriend had LOCS! You would think with him growing his locs for 14 years he’d encourage you embracing your natural hair. I think it looks great on you!
Your mane looks gorgeous either way. I definitely think he needs to watch his derogatory comments. “Mop head” is not acceptable. Tell your female friends there is NO SUCH THING AS “Good Hair”. Anyone can have a bad or good hairstyle day. Ask them if your hair is good, whose hair is bad? Kinky, nappy hair is NOT BAD hair. It’s a different hair texture than main stream America.
There will always be people who will not like natural hair. They’re like a virus and keep spreading. That’s okay I don’t wear my hair for them, I wear it for me. This mind set takes time to come into. It didn’t happen overnight. I’m 39 now and I’ve been wearing natural hair since 2002. In my younger days as soon as I saw a nap something had to be done QUICK. I finally embraced my natural hair in my own time and way. My own father does not like my natural hair and that’s okay. He didn’t like my mother’s natural hair either and she changed it back straight. But that was her relationship decision.
As far as the relationship thing goes I don’t have any wisdom from my personal experience. I’ve had men say they like/love it or not say anything at all. I’ve wondered if my hair makes me less approachable I simply don’t know. What I can share is an experience of another. One of my brother’s old girlfriends use to wears twists, she told me she was going to get a blow out. I asked her why? She told my brother liked her hair blown out. I asked her why would she change her hair if she prefers the twists? Her reply was, “you do things for your man to keep him happy”.
I was surprised by her response but after thinking about it, I thought this is true. We do, we wear heels, miniskirts, makeup, no-makeup, perfume, special undergarments if we want to please our man and keep him happy. To my brother’s ex-girlfriend it was the same thing. She could always change it back. Wouldn’t we want our man do the same for us.
I think this man is a hypocrite because he has locks and does not like your natural hair. What irony. That goes to show you life is not fair or simple. This couple has been together for 7 years and he doesn’t like natural hair. Uh, that’s not so bad. Life is about compromise. Perhaps in time he’ll come around. We all have to make the best decision for ourselves and for our relationships without interference from the peanut gallery. Do you the best way you can.
Conditioning is something else I tell you!!! IMO your natural hair is so much prettier than your hair straightened, not knocking straight hair in saying that just saying your naturally hair compliments you most. I don’t know if this is his story but I have heard of black men thinking certain features that make up who we are as black people, belong on men but not women, so in order for you to be the beautiful feminine woman you ought to be, your hair needs to be silky and straight. Crazy thing is that’s now what our hair looks like in any case and when we come close, it’s due to having a mixed heritage. So that is something that will always boggle my brain.
And I don’t think you have to accept the fact he prefers your hair straight, he needs to accept the fact that you are not packaged that way and he needs to love all of you. I can’t beat him up for feeling this way, many of us felt the same prior to going natural but, and at least for me when my eyes were open to the fact that there is nothing wrong with my hair, it is beautiful as I saw it being expressed by all the naturals at college causing me to desire to wear my own hair naturally, and God gave it to me,meant it to be just as it is so who is man to judge the beauty that God creates! AND we’re very rare in that we are the only people with it OH plus it compliments me best, so all of the old thoughts are dead completely. I have locs so I wouldn’t straighten my hair but even if I did or when I would prior to re-locing, I always wanted to go back to my own texture. And I say that to say my entire mental is changed. Although he isn’t the one that made a change and I think because black men have seen us most of our lives with straight hair, they make the connection even less than we would that it’s not our natural texture, there is a process if he’s willing to go through that he needs to go through to accept it. and not just accept it but fall in love with it, especially if he is in love with you.
Wow… as a black man I gotta chime in,
I want to first of all congratulate all of the black women that I am now noticing have started this trend of going natural. If no other black man says it, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!!! I LOVE IT!!!
I’m not warming up yet to the bald headed look or the caesar cuts… that’s too close to looking like a man for me. Especially if you work out… LOL. Otherwise, keep looking beautiful and NATURAL is DEFINITELY the way to go!
-BCB
When I decided to release myself from the constraints of chemical relaxers, I decided that I wouldn’t date anyone who couldn’t accept and treasure the way my hair looked. I do not straighten my hair, EVER, for any reason for anyone. I am going into my 2nd year afroversary in November. The man I was dating when I BC’d was all for it. He was supportive and didn’t mind that for much of our relationship my hair wasn’t much longer than his. Though we aren’t together now, I always remember how supportive he was about it.
I refuse to date a man who can’t accept and appreciate my hair as is. To me, it’s as if he’s saying he doesn’t think I’m attractive or he’s slightly embarrassed that my hair isn’t straight. I couldn’t do it.
It’s a day later and I’m STILL thinking about this. I just want to encourage you to be true to yourself no matter what your man thinks. I felt towards the end of the post you were trying to brush things off and come off lightly but if you wrote a post about this then it must be an issue. Your hair is beautiful and on the real tip you’re the only one who knows how much is too much when it comes to your man and his views of your hair. I wish you the best of luck.
@ LB…I was kinda noticing that(in quieter tones, lol) But yup she never said that her current boyfriend had any hangups about her skin…Just her hair. Now I feel bad for not noting that sooner since I noticed that yesterday. Anyway, I don’t know how I’d feel if I had a bf who didn’t like my hair. I personally DON’T think that just because a guy doesn’t like your hair he doesn’t love you. I do think that it’s a little insensitive to say he doesn’t like it and not come up with something that he does like. I don’t think it rules him out as a great guy but uhh…I’m just sayin’ guys if you don’t like your gf’s hair…keep that 2 yourselves unless she’s got a cowlick or something…otherwise it’s her hair.
First off, to the comment about 7 years being a long time to be someones boyfriend/girlfriend, you don’t have a clue to the nature of their relationship and you shouldn’t form an opinion of it based on what you value in a relationship. Some people don’t feel getting married is important. I never did, and my (now) husband and I were together for 7 years before we got married. We only decided to get married because I got pregnant and wanted in on his health benefits and for other bureacracy.
Also to the commenters who think she should re-evaluate there relationship cause he might be color-struck, ummm you guys are probably all single. Seriously, everyone has issues, EVERYONE. Common sense should let you know that he obviously loves her very much because even though he doesn’t like her hair, they are still a couple.
My advice to her is to just continue gently educating him, and maybe one day he will come around, if not it is just hair, so do what makes you happy.
Dang yall, she said that he is a good guy, why dig into his character and their relationship like that? It’s just hair! It’s not that serious! I am SURE there are some things about HIM that SHE doesn’t like. UNFORTUNATELY in a RELATIONSHIP both people will not like EVERYTHING about each other….it’s OK!!!!! Why is it so hard for us to accept each others differences, and at the end of the day still love one another? I thought that most of us were natural in hair and heart, but I guess not. Rose, why did you send in a photo with him in it? Not cool. Protect your relationship honey cause nobody really cares about it but you.
Have you asked him WHY he prefers your hair straight? Have you told him that your natural hair journey means a lot to you (and will not come to end, whether he likes it or not)?
I think if he saw his negative/lack of attention bothers you, he’d reexamine his own behavior, at least, if not his actual reasonings and reactions.
I must say, it baffles me that a Black man with locs would act like this about natural hair. Even my white boyfriend says “the poofier, the sexier” about my kinky fro. Your man sounds conditioned, great guy or not, and he should do some introspection. He doesn’t HAVE to love your hair, but he should at least have a good reason for not liking.
Your hair really is gorgeous though and you wear it very well. I hope you stay natural.
First of all, your hair super fly. That really sucks that your bf isn’t feeling it, natural hair is super sexy. I remember the first time a guy lovingly and appreciatively (sp?) put his hand in my coils it was like nothing I’d experienced before. I hope your bf comes around. Significant others don’t have to like everything about you, I’m not even sure that’s possible, but if it’s something important to you they should at learn to respect and accept it if not learn to love it and its perks. Like you don’t have to worry about getting your hair wet, or rolling down the car window on a nice day, not fearing perspiration (sp?). Good luck!
Rose, your hair is gorgeous, and I love it. You seem more happy with your hair natural. You can see that sistas flock to this topic, because many of us are dealing with the same attitude from our own men. My man hates my hair too, but he’ll get used to it. It’s been a year and a half for me. I have just become comfortable with doing my two-strand twists. So I am on the road to growth….but yes it’s going to be a while yet. He knows I refuse to relax or heat style, because simply put, I am NOT, period. All I can say is just please be encouraged and know that your hair is thanking you, because it’s healthier, free, and you have more options being natural anyway, than being relaxed. Sounds like others in your life are not supportive either, making snipe comments. But just please ignore them and continue on enjoying your curls. I know how you feel, because I have often felt in my down moments, is this worth it? It makes you feel bad because your man, or other people are not as accepting of it. But hey, that’s their hangup. I think black people who ridicule others who choose to be natural should be ashamed. I am sorry… especially your man, when he has dreads! Lol. I couldn’t believe it. You would think he would be a lot more tolerant than most men who adore and uphold straight hair as the standard. Goodluck and Blessings to you. Stay strong in your spirit and much encouragement on the rest of your journey. Also to ALL out there who also have a man, or husband who is giving you a hard time about it. I am in the same boat. 🙂 BE ENCOURAGED!!!!!!
I have been with my hubby for 4 years and married for a yr and a half he still is trying to get used to my natural hair. I did my big chop in 07 I had a really low cut that was nearly bald and I loved it!!!!He told me he likes my hair now as long as I dont go back bald he loves the fact that he doesnt see stringy broken permed hair all over the place!You been together with Young Berg for 7 yrs and he didnt put a ring on it plus he doesnt like the real natural you please send him packing!
Why am I not surprised that my last comment didn’t get posted? Oh right…. I’m not pushing IR dating on her or telling her to leave her “horrible, evil, totally wrong and disgusting” BLACK significant other! Wow, BGLH. I should’ve known better than to think this site was any different from the others.
wow…I read this post around 7pm and it is now 10:30 and I am still thinking about it.
I kinda have to agree with some of the other posts and wonder if the hair issue is just a cover he is using to hide a bigger issue. In a relationship there is a lot of give and take but self-esteem and confidence should never be up for discussion. For you to post this on a blog means it is seriously causing u a lot of mental anguish and that my dear is not good when its about HAIR. I’m sorry but you guys really need to have a serious talk. Have you verbally told him how much it hurts when he says such things??? No person in love is going to intentionally hurt the object of their affection!!!
…but that’s just my opinion…
Sorry this is such a negative experience for you:(
HELLO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CAN ANYONE READ ON THIS SITE. NO WHERE DID THIS WOMAN SAY HER BF IS DATING HER BECAUSE OF HER SKIN-TONE. SHE SAID THAT OTHER MEN HAVE SAID IT TO HER.
I SWEAR SOME OF Y”ALL NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL CAUSE IT IS DAMN SHAME THAT NO ONE CAN READ.
I’m late…
But she didn’t have to say it. You can look and “listen to” that dark, self-hating black man and look at her 17-year-old self and figure it all out. Please don’t act like upwards of 90-some-odd percent of black men today don’t pick a women based in some, or even in large, measure on the color of her skin.
after reading more comments i have a little more to say:
i dunno….i know he’s nice and all
but considering the world we live in…I just think it’s hard enough as is for women of color
so to have to go home to a man that doesn’t love you for you
i don’t know you, but i think you deserve better. there are men out that will love every ounce of you– that’s what everyone deserves.
And another thing…
Yes, compromise in a relationship is very important. But NEVER change the things that you like about yourself for someone else. You’ll end up resenting that person in the long run. But you seem like a strong minded, smart woman who knows her value. I doubt you’ll change that for anyone!
I’m not sure what to say. I’m natural, have been so for many years. I met my partner while natural however, I sometimes play with wigs to either make myself have a bigger fluffier natural, I also have two that are straight looks, don’t wear them very often.
My partner has his favorite looks (the bigger, fluffier styles) and he has the looks that he doesn’t like very much. But MY hair, that which is naturally mine, he loves. He plays with it, he tells me he loves it, it is the hair that our daughter has.
Your hair, in its natural state is who you truly are. Nothing but that which you were given by The Most High. If he can look at YOU, the woman he claims to love and not love all that is YOU. That would raise a huge issue with me.
Now, you began dating this person when you were 18. You are all of 25. I’m assuming he is your first love since you are so young and the two of you have been together for so long. I would say explore other options. The man that you want will come to you and love YOU for YOU. You and your hair deserve to be loved completely. There are plenty of good brothers who are family oriented and have good jobs out there. Trust.
Why did I read this tonight?! This story is vexing!
The man’s perspective on women’s beauty is based on colorist ideology for sure! I know that you are an amazing individual, which must be icing on the cake for him, but I truly believe that your skin color (and your straight hair) is THE CAKE. Maybe I took that analogy too far but I feel like he’s acting like the very same guys you say that you rejected in high school.
Let me just ask you this: If you do plan to stay with this man for the rest of your life and the two of you end up having a child, let’s say a daughter, how would you like her to feel about her father’s views on her hair? It’s likely that between the two of you, any daughter that you have will likely have coily hair. How will he approach that situation? Will he love his baby daughter’s short kinks or will he want them straightened? It’s just another perspective to think about…
I’m confused. so he has Locs, and he doesn’t like YOUR natural hair?! that just doesnt make since. Can he give you a legitimate reason why he doesnt like your natural hair and/or prefers your straight hair. This i HAVE to know!
oh wait a minute.he said “you look black now?”
oh HELL NO, HE WOULD HAVE TO GO..NICE MAN OR NOT, THAT SAYS A WHOLE LOT ABOUT WHO HE IS AND WHAT HE IS ABOUT, NOW ITS COMING OUT SINCE YOUVE GONE NATURAL..
I could not live with anyone who would even think to say anything like that to me..CORNBALL, hope he doesnt carry that attitude to your maybe future children…im sure he will come up with all sorts of negative things to say to your daughter about her hair..oh no..stop the cycle.
its 2010 not 1920 these attitudes about our hair are plain ignorant.
sounds like a cornball..sorry but he would have to go, its kinda ridiculous.
Lil’ Wayne (who eloquently described himself as being “tougher than Nigerian hair”) has locs… so there definitely is no pre-requisite of appreciating natural hair or celebrating African beauty. T-Pain has locs, too. LOL.
I am still trippin’ on the 7 year bit. That might be the biggest issue of all.
Although he has locks he clearly has issues with natural hair, there are some people who hide behind locks so they don’t have to deal with every part of the natural life. he sees it as a double standard, some want to be natural but they really don’t except a partner that is actually natural he seems to want a black girl with straight hair while he wears his curls so that you both are excepted….at least that’s my opinion.
your hair is beautiful!!!
as for the main subject, It’s sad that he is natural and does not like your natural hair. But you are the only that can decide what to do with the situation.
I just did my big chop on the 10th of this month. I have been loving it, but getting used to not having longer and permed hair or a long weave. My husband hasn’t said a single compliment yet and it pretty much bothers me more than I want to let on. He is Caucasian and I’m a light skinned black woman, I think I have a hard time accepting my natural hair because I’ve never lived with it, but I’m learning to. But it doesn’t make it easy on me when he obviously prefers my hair to look like the women he has dated (who were all white),his family members or black women you’d see on TV with weaves. However, it’s my hair and he’ll have to get used to it, he’s a great guy too and we love each other, we just have to compromise on some things or agree to disagree.
I was ok with this whole article until I found out he was natural. If that ain’t the pot calling the kettle “light-skinned”. Smh.
I don’t really understand what it is about natural hair that he doesn’t appreciate or like. As a man with long (beautiful looking, might I add) locs, you would think he would be the first to empathize and even encourage your natural hair journey. I’m sure your relationship is stronger than what you do with your hair, but come on! You have to pick and choose your battles. Is this worth ending the relationship, or is this something that can eventually be fixed? I know we all have our preferences in what we find attractive, but if your hair is that big of a problem in your relationship, it’s time to reevaluate some things.
Girl I love your hair and it looks GREAT on you. I did the same thing a few yrs ago and it’s so much better and healthier for your hair. We have the same background (Haitian) and light skin and it seemed like if your light skin with long hair then you shouldn’t mess with it. Even some people in my family said I needed to get a perm but I didn’t care. I love the natural thing so much better. And your boyfriend has some serious nerve! He has dreds for goodness sake! LOL wow! And the whole comment about you looking more black…um u are black and since when it was wrong to “look” black lol…some people boy.
I think if a man loves you, he is supposed to LOVE all of you. You are supposed to be the most beautiful thing on this planet to HIM regardless of hair, nose, complexion, ears, and everything else. Thats just my opinion. –Not saying your bf doesn’t love you.
Thank God I haven’t had those issues. My bf claims he is the one that convinced me to go natural (he wasn’t lol). He loves my hair and complements me all the time..but I do get frustrated sometimes when he compliments me more when my hair is straightened. He always says “I feel like I’m cheating on my girlfriend”..because I have so many different looks. He appreciates my natural hair.
My boyfriend of 4 years hates my natural hair. And he has baby locs. Oh well. Im not changing it!
Is it me, or is this the height of hypocrisy?
Your boyfriend has LOCS, for Pete’s sake.
I don’t want to ramble/rant, so I won’t say any more.
Unless he presents you with some hardware (i.e. a ring) I would stop taking his comments so seriously and do what makes and keeps you happiest.
You have to investigate about why he is still with you. You lost he hair . Your are still light skinned. If you felt the need to talk about you skin color and the reaction it gets..it is probably because you have some suspicion about you boyfriend. Someone can be a nice guy and have a fetish at the same time. Attraction is not love.
this dude seems color struck. i’d tell him to kick rocks, but that’s me.
🙁 this makes me so sad
you look so darn fab
and even if you didn’t- that hair represents you. the fact that your partner doesn’t love you for all that you are kinds hurts my feelings…
i brought this up with my husband and he says there are things we sometimes don’t like about each other. like me not liking his bottom row of teeth. I suppose this is similar so…perhaps it’s not that big of a deal…
Wow! Your hair looks fabulous! That’s all that I really want to say b/c I just can’t go there right now regarding the main topic.
COLOR.
COMPLEX.
Gurl this sounds like the story of my life!!! LOL! I transitioned for 7 months and continually asked my guy of 8+ years what he thought. His response was always, “It’s just hair.” So when I did the big chop (which is why me and my girls had a little party wit’ wine) I came home the next morning, his back was facing me and he sounded so happy saying, “Look who’s ba..” Dude turned around and his WHOLE expression changed. To make a long story short, he was silent for a week! My guy, like yours is a very good guy, level headed, smart, funny, a family man, etc. etc. but somehow the whole hair thing hit him hard. He’s better now, but lemme tell you, we ain’t there yet! LOL! Remember I submitted my photo for the earring giveaway by posting my before and after photos, WELL I showed him and what did he say? “D***” I miss that hair (gazing at my before pic)” Now i had been cool about the whole, “gettin compliments from everybody but my guy” thing, but at that point I just lost it. Silent treatment fo’ sho. He apologized the next morning by saying that “he didn’t mean anything by it” But boy does that hurt. All i know is I love it, and by me showing that love, he’s slowly getting the point.
I hope you decide to just pass on hair discussions in the future if everything else in your relationship is kosher.
Your punchline was not one to me. I’ma leave you with an Outkast quotable, excuse the *language*:
“Now question is every nigga with dreads for the cause? Is every nigga with golds for the fall? No, so don’t get caught in appearance.”
I also just have to throw this in.
You look exponentially more fabulous with your natural hair. With the perm, you looked like Jane Average. As your self, you are much more of a head turner.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…. well I met my husband natural 10 years ago. Pressed and curl for the next 5 then BC again right in front of him. Dare he say something I would have cut it shorter.
Nevertheless, it’s ok if he doesn’t like your hair but make sure that since he does not like your hair it’s not an issue for you.
zionderu
@Sammie,
I have finally moved past the “I need a black king!” stuff in the last few years. And lucky for me, because once I went natural, brothers were not feeling me like before. I tell you, when I had black men telling me I was wasting my looks as a light skinned long haired (permed) sister, it really opened my eyes.
I’ve decided that I’m looking for a good man, period. If a white man approaches me, I’m looking at him differently than I would have in college. BW think that non-black men generally aren’t attracted to us or don’t hit on us. They spit game differently! LOL! I never realized it but it’s true. Well, at least the ones who have approached me. Once I opened myself up to dating all men, I could recognize when a white guy or an Asian guy was trying to get next to me. When you have on “black men only” blinder, you can’t even see when a non-black man wants to get to know you.
Men have always had things to say about my hair. I would get a trim and they’d say “Did you cut your hair?…WHY?”
I’d express my interest in a bob and they’d advise me against it.
I’d have braids and they (my dad) would tell me I did not need that “stuff” in my head.
Whatever man I just learned to do me, even as a married woman. I can’t be a slave to that mess. I hate the way my husband dresses like a hobo but that doesn’t stop him!!!!
@K Parker,
Thank you for going there because I wanted to be didn’t want to be offensive. But I’ll just come out and say it. Her boyfriend has a distorted view of what a black woman is and that kind of man is not healthy to be in a relationship with. I’ll bet he’s into you because she’s light skinned as well.
Like someone said, if it was all good, no one would have to come to a blog and tell all of this about their boyfriend. She knows in her heart that it’s not right. He does not value her as a BLACK woman. If he did, he would never say the things he’s said about her beautiful hair. And don’t get it twisted, the hair is just the beginning.
Sister, unless you plan on putting a perm back in your hair, be prepared to continue to be insulted over the hair that God gave you. He won’t change.
I’m 40 and just started transitioning to my naptural kinks about a year ago. I really wish I had done this when I was in my 20s but I didn’t have the awareness or self-confidence to step outside of the box (that we’re all expected to live in)and love myself wholly. I’m just now learning to do that. My man whom I’ve been with for 2 decades is for the most part supportive, although he has made comments about some of my natural hairstyles that have made me look at him sideways.
At first I felt embarrassed by his comments, and then my embarrassment quickly turned to anger. But I’ve started reflecting on the comments – not only his, but also those of other African Americans when they see that I’m no longer sporting silky straight locks, and I’ve come to realize that it isn’t so much that they don’t like my natural hair but it’s more because: 1) he and they aren’t used to seeing me with kinky hair AND 2) their comments reveal how they are still stuck in a mode (to some degree) of hating themselves.
We are not born hating the way our natural hair looks, we are all taught (usually by those closest to us) to hate the way our natural hair looks, so we have to re-teach ourselves and others about loving our natural hair.
For the sake of time, the only comment i’ve read in its entirety after reading your story is Khambria’s, and I totally agree. You and your hair are beautiful…not because of your complexion or ethnic background or its texture, but simply because it’s how God made you. Ladies, the thing we need to remember is that just as women struggle with identity, so do brothers. When a man does not like a woman to wear her hair in its natural state of nappiness, curliness or whatever, there’s a crisis within himself that prevents him from accepting a “look” that goes away from what is mainstream or most accepted. While natural hair is gaining popularity, it’s still different. It’s a reminder to him of something he doesn’t want to face. Even though he wears locs, and seems to have accepted himself, he truly has not because he still can’t get with his woman sporting a similarly textured look. Once men and women find peace with who they really are, then they won’t try to hold others in such shackles. I thank my God that my honey of 13 years loves my natural hair, because when i did the BC back in 2000, i made up my mind and went with it. But from the start he explained that what he feels is appealing about me is my confidence no matter how I wear my hair. He was secure enough in himself to accept me the way God made me, from my long toes, small frame, crooked nose and sensitive skin to my hair like lambswool. I love his security in being able to get with this. But if he didn’t, I still wouldn’t change my hair for him…not just because I finally have gotten de-programmed and arrived at a place where I absolutely LOVE the look of my natural fro (been nappy 10 years), but also because considering what I’ve learned over the yrs, i’m now scared of the creamy crack!! Ladies, just be the “you” God created…and let the brothers come around whenever they can make it.
Have you two sat down and had a talk about it? Maybe it’s some of the styles you wear that he doesn’t like. Just have a talk, who knows what could come of it. My boyfriend loves my natural hair but there are 1 or 2 styles that he’s not too fond of. I wouldn’t just straight up dump him.
Truthfully you are not the only one. My man that I’ve been with for 5 years has had really hard issues with my natural hair. I had a perm/braids the whole time we were together, but when I B/Ced last year, it’s been an issue. He is used to women with straight long hair, and he’s begged me quite a few times to put in braids or extensions, even a wig at times. It even affected our sex life and had me considering leaving him.
I was initially quite hurt, angry and upset, but I had to take a step back and not make it just about me and my emotions. The flip side is that he has beautiful curly hair that I love, and whenever he puts in cornrows (which he likes), I totally abhor! It diminishes my attraction to him, and I advocate for him to take the cornrows out almost the same day he gets them put in. I simply cannot stand cornrows on his beautiful head. My friend actually made me realize this, that how he feels about my natural hair, and how I feel about his cornrows are similar. Neither of us are used to it, and we want the person that we met originally. He compromised with me through the years by only getting cornrows about once a year, and leaving them in for only a few days. So why couldn’t I compromise with him? it’s just hair after all.
It took a few weeks of being open, but now we actually talk about my hair. He can input on styles that he prefers (my afro all out vs. the wet/go look), and I make sure to fix my hair everyday and not have bedhead… I don’t take offense when he says anything about my hair and just take the value from it and toss the rest of it out. I think sometimes we can be too sensitive, and put too much emphasis on our hair to our self esteem. You boyfriend is not trying to be mean to you, he’s just stating his preferences.
To those advocating that you dump him…are you for real? You don’t throw away a good relationship just because the other person is being OPEN and HONEST with you about their preferences. Isn’t honesty what every relationship craves? You have gorgeous hair, but have you really talked to your man about what style he likes? Maybe he likes your hair in twisties or locks. Maybe getting a Dominican blowout once in a while just to please him isn’t the end of the world. Are you compromising at all or is your attitude ‘Love it or Leave me’?
To put it in perspective, think about something that your sweetie does or has done that you don’t like. How did you communicate this to him? What did he do? What compromises has he made to suit your preferences?
It’s not just about hair, and it’s not just always about you. Sometimes it’s about him too, and he likes your hair straight. It’s what he’s used to, and what he’s always had. This doesn’t make him any different from the man you fell in love with, or that he loves you any less: he hasn’t changed, YOU have. So to overcome this issue, you need more communication about your hair and what it means to you, and what his input in the process will be. He has to give up his vision of having a girl with straight hair. What are you giving up? What is your compromise?
WOW!! I’m going through something similar.
I just recently BC’d after 7 months of transitioning and my hubby doesn’t like my hair. While I was transitioning I showed him youtube videos of natural hair journeys to show him how my hair would probably look like, and he actually liked it (mind you these women grew thier hair out for 1 to 2 yrs, so they had length). But he was really not accepting when he saw my hair, I guess it’s because he was used to my hair length (shoulder length) and my hair is now a twa. He actually wanted me to grow my relaxer out because he wasnt happy with my hair being short. Oh well he will have to wait till it grows a bit more,,as for me I LOVE IT! Hopefully your boyfriend will like it sooner or later..your hair is BEAUTIFUL!!!
Seven years is a long time to be someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend.
Anyway, you clearly have an issue with HIS ISSUES. That said, it is a big deal, though not necessarily a deal breaker.
We here will all have a take and our own spins on what you’ve presented, but ultimately you have to live with – or without – him.
I am natural, have been for about 6 yrs now, fortunately, my man likes it. We dated almost 4 years before I decided to change from a short relaxed style.
I think however its okay for a spouse or significant other not to like something about you…it’s natural.. I mean who REALLY likes EVERYTHING about someone…whether it be leaving dirty dishes on the table, or snoring, or how he/she clips toenails everynight before bed, in bed. The thing is, you two are still together, which mean its not a big enough issue that it damages your relationship.
IMHO, that’s where the love for someone comes in to play; he loves you enough to accept even what he might not like about you, and on the contrary he knows your hair is NOT what defines you.. its just apart of you.. apart that ultimately, he’s still willing to deal with!
beside the hair issue. why did he pause and then tell you what he use to like about you. hmmm.
Your hair is absolutely gorgeous! Unfortunately, I think your man may be “color-struck.” My boyfriend always “prefers” light-skinned girls with long hair and he is BEYOND chocolate brown and bald! I totally understand your dilemma because he and I constantly battle about my decision to go natural. If you really love him and want him to be your lifetime partner, you need to sit him down and tell him how much his acceptance means to you. Communication is totally key…and if he still makes derogatory comments, then maybe it isn’t meant to be.
I will never understand black men like that. They want the light skin girl with the straight hair but the second she goes natural they get all “funky” about it. It sounds to me like he has some issues of his own to work out. I find that a lot of black men do.
I get told all the time to straighten my hair. But I’m natural and luving it. I find that non-blacks luv my hair but blacks don’t.
Don’t even get me started about one black guy I dated. Always commenting about skin colour. He was a lot darker than me. I don’t get it. ugh. Black people need to get over the colourism and move on.
I hope he come to accept her hair. If not I say move on.
I laughed and I cried when I read your tale. I am a brown-skinned Haitian and I’ve got that long, thick hair you referred to. It’s actually quite common among Haitians (both light and dark) but due to the stereotype that black hair doesn’t grow long I used to get plenty of weave accusations when I wore it straight.
Anyway, I couldn’t get over how your man is growing out locks and still doesn’t appreciate your natural hair. That is quite surprising since brothers with locks seem to appreciate natural hair on black women more. I do have to say that I’ve noticed that the darker skinned brothers seem to have more of a problem with natural hair that light or brown brothers. That may be some of that ole self-hatred rearing its head. Sadly it’s something so many aren’t in tune to and can’t control.
If this were a new relationship, my advice would be clear – drop him. But it seems like you are very happy with him otherwise (and he is fine) and you’ve already invested a lot of time in the relationship. Ultimately, you’ll have to follow your heart. People do evolve and I’m hoping that his ideas about hair and beauty will evolve for both your sakes.
Much like the sneaky threesome crazy pitch, I get the relaxer question every rare moment from guys(black guys). The discussion gets squashed quickly when I tell them to get one too.(Hook up with a guy or get a relaxer too – I’ll watch). Some guys for the most part don’t know what they want and they can test their worthiness with such silliness. If you let them/most people rule every part of your life, you will be in hell. I’m not saying that you should a shrew and put him on blast for every duncey head move he makes/say but take into consideration how you allow others to treat you and not be afraid to be the captain of your own ship.
@ Kels, I have been happily married to a white man for almost 13 yrs now. I have never had a specific preference in men, just that they respect and love me– I just happened to fall in love with a white one ( who loves my natural hair, by the way). We dated in high school, and so many “brothers” gave me hell about it, while at the same time they were dating white girls. I say whatever floats your boat is fine, but stay out of mine!I would say to you and other black women, DO NOT limit yourselves to one type of man. In my opinion that is why so many of us are single because we somehow feel like we are offending black men if we date men of another race. The truth of the matter is, they are dating whoever they choose so why shouldn’t we? They are wearing their hair how they want so why can’t we?
Jesus take the wheel!! How in the world could anyone (and especially the love of your life) look at you and not think everything about you is gorgeous?? He sounds like a great man, but I don’t understand how he could hate something that DEFINES you — not as it your hair makes you who you are but your hair is UNIQUELY YOU, just how God intended it… I just hope he won’t want to slap a perm on your future kids! LOL
Someone a few posts up mentioned a “color complex.” I wouldn’t rule that out. The fact you mention how in high school, boys said that you “were acceptable to take home” smacks of the colorism so rampant in the black community. Light skin and long hair is treasured by–dare I say–most black men, especially dark-skinned black men. It is also treasured by the mothers of those men, which is why they thought you were an acceptable candidate for the ‘Mamma Once-Over.’
As someone who is dark-skinned, I was never prized as the trophy. I’d be the one that got, “you’re dark, but…”
Ironically the person who embraced my natural hair the most was my husband, who happens to be white.
BTW, you are lovely, and your natural hair is to die for!
I am saddened to say this, but; if he has not accepted your hair…..he has not completely accepted you. Please keep your eyes open with him. He sounds as if he has some personal issues and one of those issues is manipulating you. Love is kindness. If he loves you, he loves everything about you; or he wouldn’t chastize your hair the way he does. You don’t deserve ‘conditional’ love. And for him to say that he “used” to like your hair makes his love conditional…because he could have kept his mouth shut.
You and your hair are beautiful. I hope that you meet your TRUE soul mate. Your TRUE soul mate would love your hair, regardless. Listen to all of the voices and posts. Listen to your inner ‘voice’. You know what you need to do. Stop making excuses for him. He’s not for you. You are too beautiful for this crap. It’s easy to tell you to “just” ignore him. However, things will not get better. He will not grow to like your hair. He apparently doesn’t like the true essence of being a ‘black woman’ (even if you are only half black). He fell in love with a facad; a facad of a woman who had to have straight hair in order to get his attention. Do you honestly believe he would have given you a second thought if he had met you like you are today. The answer is NO.
You need to be praised by your man. And you, my dear, are worthy of praise. You are beautiful through and through.
I think you look fabulous!
we all have a right to like what we like but a couple of thoughts. (1) after you’ve been in a relationship with someone for as long as you have something like hair, a slight weight gain/loss or something even more serious should not overshadow your love and ACCEPTANCE for the person. hair is so surface level. it seem shallow to hightlight it in the type of conversation you were having. (2) even if you don’t like something about your partner your adoration and respect for them should bring about a level of sensitivity that causes them to not say things they know will hurt or disappoint you.
i guess i worry what would happen if you lost your hair or had some disfigurement from an accident if your boyfriend after all this time seems to not accept the wonderfulness of YOU above all else.
it’s rough out there dating, i know, so i would never suggest you dump your guy because of this but just listen to your heart and really consider what this whole situation reveals about your boyfriend and your relationship. ask yourself the hard questions? what things can this relationship handle if something like my hair that grows out of my head is met with disdain? peace and blessing sis!!!
I’m just speaking from my personal experience as a fellow light-skinned sister who went natural, but the responses she got from her man sound about right to me. I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. I was also told that I don’t “look exotic anymore” by a brotha and it was said as an insult. I was also told that I was a “wasted yellow” woman. Yup. All this from black men.
And you all can flame me all you want, but this is why black men no longer get the benefit of the doubt with me. If I go out on a date with a black man and he makes a negative comment about my hair, I’m done. Just like I would be if a white guy said the same thing.
I’ve given up the “I want a strong black man” thing because with my hair, they are not really interesting in embracing all of me. I’m looking for a good man, period. If he’s not black, then, oh well!
So what happens if, God forbid, you become sick, and your hair falls out and you gain 70 pounds? How will he feel about you, and how will he make YOU feel about yourself?
It’s one thing to have a preference, but quite another if he thinks one of your physical characteristics is ugly. When he looks at you does he see a beautiful woman, or a woman who is beautiful IN SPITE of her hair?
There are a lot of great men out there. That doesn’t mean every one of them is the right man for us. Good people get married and divorced all the time.
This has never been an issue with me and my husband. He ENCOURAGED me to go natural. I wrote a blog about it on his birthday. http://thetaleofgoingnatural.blogspot.com/2010/07/special-man.html
I agree with thewanderlustgirl you hair does not make you more enlightened, intelligent, smarter, etc. I probably know more locked men with straight haired girlfriends (including caucasian women) than those who natural haired significant others. From what it sounds like the boyfriend doesn’t prefer the hair but isn’t rude or anything. It is very relevant that black people as a whole have preferences when it comes to hair. On natural hair sites we tend to focus on the woman’s perspective. Black men were indoctrinated with the same propaganda. I really like my hair but in no way to do I feel that it makes me more me. The only differences between me natural and relaxed came with age and experience. Dude sounds like a good guy with a preference. My question is does he have to like it? How does him not liking it make him not her perfect match? If he’s not rude/cruel it’s irrelevant.
I hate to say this but I had a friend (who was also my ex-boyfriend) do the same thing to me. When I originally told him I was going natural he was totally against it; now we were already broken up so it wasn’t like I cared that much about his opinion, but still. And the killing thing like your situation he had locs down his back. I guess I assumed that because he had locs he of course would understand why I wanted to go natural.
Now a second issue that I noticed with him also was that he only dated lighter skinned women and he was a darker skinned brotha. I often wondered if that was part of the reason he was with me, because of my complexion. So the point I am trying to make is that sometimes unfortunatley I think some men still have this stereotype of dating a “light skinned women” with what they consider to have “good hair”, but when we go natural that image of “good hair” in their minds disappears. So it destroys this fantasy that they have.
Now I am not trying to bash your man or say that he is going through the same syndrome, but I do think that some black men need to face the issues within themselves about the negative stereotypes they have about their own race. I just got married and my husband, whose mother is not black and had hair to her butt when he was a kid, loves my hair. I still think he likes it more when I have it straight, but he has accepted that it is a part of me. And he more than anyone as a bi-racial person knows how painful it can be to have someone stereotype you for what you look like. With all that said, my nonadvice, advice, would be, the next time your beau makes a negative comment about your hair, seriously ask him, “to really look inside himself and ask himself why he dislikes that part of you?” “Is it really about my hair or is really something deeper”. When you start to ask the hard questions he may realize how important it is for him to understand that this is not just about hair. And by the way you and your natural hair are beautiful!!!
Say what!? That’s really strange. Actually, I just don’t get it. I hope he comes around soon enough.
You know its kind of funny that he has locs but doesn’t appreciate your hair in its natural state. From my personal experience many guys with locs have been the most critical of my natural hair. They make their snide remarks or give me that ma-whats-going-on-with-your-hair look.
First time my honey saw my honey saw my fro he didn’t even say anything…his facial expressions said it all but now he loves it. One good twist out was all it took. Lol. He still has jokes from time to time but I shut him down by saying his S-Curl is dry. (he has naturally curly hair, I just like to mess with him)
I say all that to say this, if he loves you he will grow to love your hair.
As a female of native/african descent(Black), as simple as this sounds…I believe there are much more major issues facing Black women than their hair. When I was a little girl, I was very afraid of “Dark-skinned” (N.A.D/black people). As I grew in maturity, I realized how ridiculous that fear “WAS”. I don’t understand why this is an issue with “supposed” to be grown adults. If a man doesn’t like everything Natural about me, and what is Natural about me is just the same as HIS naturalness…than “ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black”? We condemn racism because it is a poison that attacks our nature as human beings…I just don’t understand why women consider this issue…when it shouldn’t be one. There are many White women who walk around with freckles on their face, but I guarantee you, if Black women were to have this same occurence…(society would find a way to degrade or criticize them). It’s hair…and given the many hair products available today, we are allowed to change the appearence of our Natural hair(if that is desired). There are more pressing issues Black women should be addressing.
he just wants a light skin girl with straight hair, it’s more “acceptable”
if she was brownskin he would nerver be with her!!
very sad
I know plenty of men with locs who would probably prefer a Barbie over a natural goddess. I agree with Julia. You have been together a long time. Have you talked marriage? Does he not know that aside from hair you will look different at 40, 50, 60, and up? Your daughter will need to be loved for her natural beauty and you deserve no less. His joking comments are his way of trying to break you down emotionally (it sounds diabolical but its true), and his way of hoping you will eventually break down and get a perm.
Also, when you asked him what he liked about you, you should remember that instead of telling you what he liked, he paused (like he couldn’t think of anything) and brought up your hair (which he says he used to like). So what does he like about you? Why is he with you? Did you get with you becuz you were a typical light skin girl with long hair? I understand you love him, but you have to love yourself first. No one is going to take of you like you, and if he can’t support you taking care of you and your natural hair…Well, on to the next. I hate to say it, but you should remember he is replaceable. Your self-esteem should not be replaced with anything else. Change your hair, than he’ll hate your shoes. Allow his insulting you with jokes, than he’ll start emotionally abusing you.
Despite your defending him (“He really is nice, sensitive, etc.”) I will say what others have been shy to say. He either needs to change his attitude or you need to change boyfriends.
Oh dear! It’s so complex this one. He’s problem with your hair is affecting your self-esteem! I hope he get’s over you being over the creamy crack!
*sighs* I am actually really disturbed by your BF’s continued negative reaction to your hair, the derogatory comments and the compliments only when you blow it out. But if you find happiness among all that, then lots of power to you. And your hair is beautiful!
This isn’t even about the hair, if he loves YOU he will support you in something that you care about. It’s your God given hair. You said he’s great otherwise, but if he can’t support you then I think you need to reevaluate the situation. He doesn’t have to like your hair, but he has to be able to say “baby I’m happy that this makes you happy”.
[I must say that ‘Julia’ and ‘thewanderlustgrl’ got it spot on!!]
Rasta men and men with locs are no different than any other man, esp the trend followers, i.e mens with locs!! The majority of them were raised to have warped views on beauty, because the women who raise them are confused themselves. I am just so fed up with terms like ‘good hair’.. And since when is ‘nappy hair’ a bad thing?!!? Why do so many naturals STRIVE for the curly look??
My sisters can’t we just embrace who we REALLY are?? Not what Motions Wet and Wavy tells us to be?!?!??
At first, I was like okay, he just prefers relaxed but then you hit me with the punch line and my eyes popped out of my head. Wow! This is very interesting. I’m not sure what I think yet.
Could it be that your boyfriend has a color complex because he is so dark?????? Just a thought.
Wow…I guess you said it yourself. You’re placing yourself in a position where you’re waiting for him to accept your hair. Nothing more to say. If it’s wasn’t a big deal to you, I wouldn’t even see the need for you to write about it. No offense, because I WAS intrigued by this article, I’m only speaking from a more personal standpoint.
I will say that love cannot override strong core values. I will not commit to someone who is a victim of white supremacy, regardless of THEIR hairstyle, race or ethnicity. It will get in the way because my hair is not just hair, it is a part of who I am and I went through a spiritual journey to create it. The person I am with must respect that.
That being said, I can understand if my hair (freeform dreds) isn’t my partner’ favorite “style” (who knows, maybe they like mohawks or something), but I won’t stick around if they clearly preferred me when I didn’t look like myself (straight hair), nor will I stay if they think my hair is “ugly” or whatever. They at least have to appreciate it. The fact is, I love and respect my hair because of how it has shaped me mentally and spiritually, and NOT because of how it looks. Get with it or get gone.
People with dreds and afros don’t always have their mind right, so don’t get it twisted. Most of the men who compliment my hair and hit on me are either white or they’re black men with a fade. Please believe all the men who told me I look better with a perm are no longer in my VISION.
People’s compliments are very superficial to me nowadays. People tell me they love my hair all the time and it doesn’t mean diddly because while I was on my journey many of those same people shunned me for nurturing my spirit-they did not understand and didn’t take time to understand. By the way, your hair looks fly- especially in that beach picture. Find people who can vibe with it. Good luck. Peace.
I just posted this on BGLH’s facebook fan page but thought I should post it here for you…
Your hair is gorgeous and I hope you bought those shoes! Your man… well, my first thought was negative but I’m sure he loves you for who you really are otherwise he wouldn’t be there. He may have his preferences and those preferences are most assuredly based on the way he has seen black women all his life… I don’t know. We all have issues. Just… See More as you had to come to the realization that your natural self is beautiful he will too hopefully. If not one of you will eventually make a decision.
All is well.
So, in other words, it’s okay for him to be locked and natural, but it isn’t for you??? Why the big difference? Why the segregation towards your hair? Why the disapproval? It doesn’t make any sense.
Like in my opinion something is deeper at the heart of that matter, there is no way a man who accepts natural hair for himself, can’t tolerate and love his woman’s natural hair. You might have to do a little more digging into what’s really going on. And while he may be a great guy, he’s going to have to learn to love you for who you are, Natural tresses and all.
Having locs doesn’t make a person any more “enlightened” or appreciative of natural hair. I’ve encountered bloggers w/ locs (who shall remain unnamed) who lambasted women w/ natural hair for not combing it regularly and making it look “tamed” (as though Afro-textured hair is “feral” and requires “taming”)
WOW, your hair is beautiful!!! I can’t believe your boyfriend doesn’t like it……hopefully he’ll come around when he finally realizes that you like it and aren’t going to change it. I’m shocked, because most if not all of the guys that I know that have locks love the ladies with natural hair.
that is crazy, i know you said not to bash your man but i think he has issues you’re light skin and before you had straight hair he is obviously dark skin with obviously not so straight hair..many dark skin men like light skin long straight hair because of their own insecurities they had growing up ( proven fact) I am haitian and light skin with thick hair and haitian hair in my opinion is beautiful..I have a bf and he used to have dreads and he has told me he loves natural hair and he also likes straight hair but he prefers both of them to be long, one day i gelled my hair that is dyed that beyonce brown back and put my hair in a puff , my bf embarresed me and in front of his bro and said he didn’t like my hair then later in private he said i looked bald or like i have short hair he likes my hair out ..so sweetie don’t feel bad your hair is gorgeous,its not you its him and he should be able to love every part of you
I actually talked out loud to my computer when I saw that last picture! I couldn’t believe he had locs. You got me good with that one. My brow is still furrowed in disbelief. lol
Good luck. Hopefully he’ll come around.
I have to admit, I’m a saddened by the fact that he has locs and takes issue with your hair. For me personally, I don’t htink I could be in a relationship with someone who didn’t love my hiar b/c it’s part of me. But everyone has to do what’s right for them, and not base it on what works for others. You said that he’s a good guy, respects you, and it sounds like for the most part he doesn’t insult your hair (or at least listens to you when you tell him it hurts your feelings) and that’s a good thing! If you can accept that this is just a style choice he doesn’t care for, and keep doing you, I say good luck moving forward with your relationship! Your hair is gorgeous btw!
well that’s hypocritical of him, seeing as to how HE has locs himself. probably won’t date a dark skinned girl either, will he? what a crock. Your hair is GORGEOUS, you don’t look like a clone walking down the street. I don’t know what to say for the bf situation because you have to decide that for yourself and I’d probably keep it moving on someone like him with issues, but just know your hair is uber pretty!
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despite your disclaimer at the end, i’m still side eyeing your boyfriend right now, lol! i’d first like to say that you are a beautiful young woman in all of your pics, but i think your natural hair really brings out your features. i think that about most women, but since you seem to be dealing with a lot of ignance (yes, ignance) in your life i think it’s important you hear that.
to all the people that are “shocked” about someone with dreads saying that–WHY? i know a lots of guys with dreads–epecially now that it’s a “trend”–who hold similar views. we shouldn’t think that people with certain hairstyles are more or less “enlightened” that other people, you’d be surprised. i know plenty of naturals who only rock twist outs or do it so they can feel more “exotic.”
also, looking at your boyfriend i am LAUGHING at him dating you partially because you’re “light skin” and have “good hair” so he can “bring you home to the family.” he is mighty chocolatey, what does his mom look like? *eyebrow raise* someone needs a reality check…
direct him to these comments.
stay strong. i know he has a lot of positive attributes and you’ve been together 7 years, but keep your eyes open. you’re BEAUTIFUL and intelligent, he needs to realize you could easily moved on if you wanted.
I think Rose looks stunning and more vibrant in the pictures with her natural hair and I find her boyfriend’s response ironic given his own hair. I’ve seen that response from other men with locks and longer hari too and I wonder if the issue is that so many men seem to perceive long, straight hair as the ultimate in femininity and youthfulness. I read an article recently which claimed that the one common trait of 200+ cheating men was that their mistresses had longer hair than their wives (!). I only mention this because it illustrates the point that longer hair on women is something a lot of men prize and of course natural, tightly curled hair will always seem shorter and less prim in comparison to straight hair.
On a more personal note, my boyfriend has also voiced his regret that I no longer have straight hair (I was transitioning when I met him last year). In some ways I can accept this from him more because he is Caucasian and straight hair has been the norm prior to me. But even with that basic preference, he knows that I won’t be straightening my hair anymore and he seems to be accepting the kinks/curls more, particularly as the hair grows out. Actually, one of the nicest things he’s said to me recently was that he kind of misses my natural hair and when would i be removing the shoulder length extensions I’ve had in for the past few weeks. Hopefully Rose’s guy will come around too. 🙂
What exactly about your hair does he not like? Sometimes it is more than just being a natural. Just because someone decides to go natural does not mean that their hair will be on point everyday. Same with relaxed hair. There are many women out there with relaxed hair that is plain ole boring and not cute to see.
Would he prefer your hair in certain styles as a natural? Do you wear your hair the same way every day? What did he say when you had braids and were transitioning?
I believe adult love is conditional (unlike parental/familial love which is unconditional). That said, he has a right to say if he doesn’t particularly love something….say it with love mind you…
maybe its my mood at this moment but i feel like if your partner can be this critical over something as simple as a hairstyle… there’s only more to come. your hair is beautiful and healthy. you should never apologize for your natural beauty whether it be your hair, skin color or body type.
ladies, never settle for someone who criticizes or belittles you. it may start with a little joking comment (like mop-head or jheri curl) but when times get hard and a REAL crisis comes around, you want someone who is going to be down for you in whatever condition you may be in.
Wow I actually love your natural hair, to me hair is hair natural, relaxed etc, but it just strikes me as weird that his hair is in dreads lol, but you know what that is him, dont let it come between you if it does not have to. You are a beautiful woman and God Bless.
This may sounds bad but just cause a man has natural hair doesn’t mean they are going to be into their woman having natural hair. I honestly didn’t think it was shocker when you wrote that he had locs. Also it kind of like saying just cause a woman has natural hair that she has gotten over the good hair mentality. Cause some women with natural hair still think that a looser curl type hair is better hair then their tighter curl type.
We can have expectations on people because of we assume that a hair style or etc will give us insight on their views or beliefs. Thought that isn’t fair to make assumptions about people. However, you are a good one cause I honestly wouldn’t be able to put up with someone who doesn’t love my hair as much as I do. In fact It would send me up a wall. I was spoiled by my ex boyfriends because they loved my natural hair and when I dated them it was during my busted up hair period. I didn’t know how to style my hair like I do not and I was not looking cute in my opinion but they would touch it and just loved my hair. I was at one point trying to get my ex to learn how to cornrow so that he could cornrow my hair cause I was lazy at that the time. He never did learn but the fact that he was willing to at least try made my heart sing. Then I had one ex boyfriend who wanted me to loc my hair. Like he was really trying trying to get me to loc up and he wasn’t even locked him self. He just thought locs would look great on me.
I guess I see hair being apart of you and how can someone not like something that is you. I’m a huge geek and believe in that motto that love should know no physical boundaries. But i wish you luck and maybe he will come around and love your hair like her loves your hair.
You two have been together for a long time – have you talked about marriage? If you have what about kids…and if so – what happens if you have a daughter? Ask him to think about that. Having a daughter can be a seriously eye opening thing for many men. What happens when his daughter comes home saying someone called her a mop head and that she wants to straighten her hair to look like the other girls with ‘pretty’ hair…..
Also, and I know you know this, but your hair is gorgeous! I love the one year post BC picture. If Randy is everything you say he is, then he’ll come around. He’s got years of his own ‘stuff’ to work through about beauty and black women. and if he never LOVES it, that’s OK too – but he’s got to learn to respect and appreciate it, and know that it means as much to you as his locs do to him.
Congratulations on your long relationship. As to your partner’s perceptions, that’s his issue.
That said, questioning the reason(s) behind his “preference” is something that HE needs to do and come to terms with when it comes to YOUR long term relationship so that HE can slow his roll with the comments.
And big ups to the Canadians loving Aldo (wink)!
I need a person who can appreciate my me-ness. My last relationship was verging on the side of “I don’t like your natural hair” and I wasn’t feeling it. Especially given the fact that your man has dreads so one would think he would readily embrace naturality it’s really crazy.
If you love him you love him and that’s it but if it were me I’d take my mop head and keep moving on because that’s a part of me and I want someone to fully embrace it. My last relationship it was starting to get frustrating not being able to be appreciated for me…good luck to you.
WOW…you’re definitely in a sticky situation. I mean it’s obvious that you love him very much and that he loves you, I think his opinion of your natural hair is truly sad and slightly shallow,I mean if you love it, he should embrace it, as it does come with the package but everyone has their own physical likes and dislikes when it comes to the opposite sex and I guess his is straight hair. Unfortunately, unless you’re willing to sacrifice your BEAUTIFUL natural hair, you may just have to deal with his attitude towards your hair. I too am just a little shocked by his attitude since he has locs but then again, I think men have different expectations when it comes to natural hair. I
you have beautiful hair! it’s quite paradoxical that your boyfriend has dreads and yet, he doesn’t like you natural hair.
to be honest, your hair is prbably not the main thing your boyfriend likes about you and it’s not like he broke up with you because of the hair.
he would need to learn to love your hair because it means a lot to you!
I am completely thrown off by the fact that he has locs. You would think he would embrace natural hair. It’s a shame that he and others in your life don’t appreciate the beauty of you and your natural hair. You look beautiful! It is up to you to determine if with all the other good qualities of the relationship, you can accept that he doesn’t like your hair.
*dried up jheri curl
I’m currently transtioning and experiencing the same thing. One time he called my hair nappy. He realized he REALLY pissed me off, since I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. He won’t say that again, but he still jokes around. A few days ago, he said my hair looked like a jheri curl. He thought it was funny. I made it clear that I didn’t. I explained that I am vulnerable and I’m sensitive. Last night was the kicker. He said we wouldn’t have started dating if my hair looked the way it does now. He apologized, but it still hurt. He has a tendency to be too honest. It is something that I love and hate all at the same time. Hopefully, my hair grows on him. If it doesn’t… aw well. He’s already said that he loves all of me, even my hair (although he doesn’t like it).
Lol, you put Randy all out there with that pic. Now he’s gonna get the side eye from naturals when ya’ll go out. Lol! JK, sorta.
I think you’re in a sticky situation. I’m actually saddened by his reaction, or non-reaction to your hair. Especially after you hit us with the punch line. All I can do is really wish you both the best, I hope he can learn to love your hair because it’s absolutely fabulous.
I am sorry to hear the insults you had to face. The phrase “looking black” is always something that surprises me. You either are or you are not, its not a look.
My story is somewhat opposite. I am black (Haitian decent) but my husband who is “mixed” (white, black, chinese) is my biggest supporter. He is Jamaican and is so used to black hair that hes even giving me tips on what he used to see friends and family do to their hair back home (his hair is what some ignorant people would call “good”). Hes encouraging me to BC (which I’m not ready for) he supports my hair styles, my questions and my own infactuation with my hair.