by
Chinwe
The title of the last article caused so much discussion that it overshadowed the disconnect between itself and the post (which some of you caught). However, what is much more important is the emotionally-charged conversation the word “white” fueled …
The power of one word
The word “white” in the title drew some responses on the BGLH Facebook page and blog concerning the “white savior” mentality. Varying conversations ensued between those who perceived that subtext from the article and others who read nothing more than a woman coming to accept her kitchen via the help of her boyfriend’s offhand comment. Sprinkled among these responses was the pointing of fingers at black men for preferring straighter hair to the personal praising of black hubbies/daddies for loving kinky hair to the sharing of experiences with white/Asian/other men who saw one’s “kitchen” as beautiful. Some of these were intriguing conversations I wanted to be had but not via the juxtaposition of “white” in the title against the race-less post.
“White savior” versus “her supportive boyfriend”
It did not take a “white” man to ‘validate’ my “kitchen”, but it did take my boyfriend, who is white, to look at my nape differently. My boyfriend could’ve easily been black, Asian or of any other race. To me, the color of his skin would not have mattered. It was the words I heard – “cute curls” – that made me look deeper into this notion which I had developed about my kitchen. This idea was planted as a seed by a black stylist and further watered by black girls and boys growing up and it was in that regard that my boyfriend’s race crossed my mind. He was clueless about the word “kitchen,” and other terms such as “beady beads” and “buckshots” used to refer to kinky hair on the nape. I thought it might be because he is of another race and background and these words, as far as I have experienced, are primarily used by “us” … by blacks.
White men, black men, and the “kitchen”
While I know that not all white men love our “kitchen”, or natural hair for that matter, I also know that not all black men do either. The greater question is why would there be a problem with my hair in the first place? After all, we expect our men to love us mind, body and soul; to protect us, to respect us and to accept us. Some do and while I don’t applaud them – because they should – I certainly acknowledge them. However, other men wish our hair to be less kinky and coily even when the same texture grows out from their own scalp. At the end of the day, it is not wrong for anyone who genuinely loves us to point out our erroneous thinking – black, white, Asian, etc. It is out of love that they want us to see more clearly.
A letter from my boyfriend
“.. We were quite surprised at the instant and varied reaction of the readers and (due to more than a few comments) somewhat concerned that we had failed to include some kind of context that would clarify the intent of the article as it was written. I heard a lot of different opinions debating the true nature and subtext of the article, and I’m here to hopefully add a new view as it pertains to myself, my comment and of course my relationship with your dedicated writer.
My first thought was to go into my personal background describing my rural upbringing, my blue collar parents, my lower middle class socioeconomic status, my profession, my past relationships or even my personal tragedies and triumphs. I felt that if perhaps I could make my general identity known that it would detract from the skepticism of my comment and perhaps shed some light on the true intent that I felt during that moment of supreme bliss when my arms were wrapped around Chinwe and my face nestled into the soft crook of her neck while I remarked on her curls.
After I had composed and destroyed about five initial drafts I came to realize that no matter what I said, I would never satisfy those who can’t see past my color. So I decided to simply write about the story as written and what it means to me.
To me this story is all about love.
It’s about loving one’s self and loving another.
It’s about seeing a person as precious and perfect as they are.
It’s about experience, both negative and positive.
It’s about similarities and differences.
It’s about expectations.
It’s about perceptions.
It’s about assumptions.
It’s about something so simple, yet incredibly profound.This story is all about love.
I applaud every person that is happy in their own skin and I have nothing but high hopes for those still coming into it. I appreciate the compassion and understanding of those that related to our tale and wish our skeptics the best of luck finding their own love, regardless of the source. Ultimately, I am a man that can’t imagine a day without curls, kinks, waves or most importantly the person to whom they are attached.”
Best wishes and sincerest regards!
Share your stories and thoughts below!
140 Responses
The boyfriend is so right to realize he can’t win. Kudos to all of you for not simply disabling posts. The amount of intolerance here for the preferences and experiences of others is toxic and inane. Start your own blog if you don’t like this one or find an article you prefer on this VAST website. Geez.
You CANNOT give a shark enough blood. And you cannot apologize enough for having the audacity to bleed as all humans do. Swim away!
My wife is black, and I would love for her to go natural. I only get to see her natural every few months, for only a few hours, when she takes her extensions and braids out. I prefer her natural hair, but its her hair. My hair is straight as it can get. I have 2 options, short and straight or long and straight. Boring.
..or “My Boyfriend Who Did Not Grow Up Being Brainwashed to Despise My Kitchen Opened My Eyes to and Enabled Me to Question the Destructive Conditioning That Prevented Me From Fully Loving My Beauty.” But that’s kind of long for a title. I guess she could have substituted “My Boyfriend who did not know what a ‘kitchen’ or ‘beadie-bead’ was…” but that’s still too long. Those things I just wrote were all I read into “White Boyfriend.” *shrug* High five to all the Brothers who appreciate nappy naps in all their glory. It’s great that y’all exist. It’s even greater that some Sistas find y’all. But I didn’t meet any of y’all until I was already married to my white dude. It wasn’t about finding my “white savior” – it was about going where I was appreciated. That thing there the first kind word a Black woman hears about her hair comes from a white person — it happens more often than we’d like to think. It’s messed up, but that’s why the natural hair movement is so important. Our people need to get used to and love and affirm our hair, so that more and more of our kinky-haired beauties can get their first natural hair ‘cute curls’ – like compliment from somebody who looks just like them.
Exactly, it shouldn’t be relevant wether this man is white, black, asian, native american… he loves her and her hair natural… full stop!
We are growing and getting out of the idea that all those things matter. We make our world: I decide I am beautiful, valuable and happy…and love the Universe. Love and peace.
definitely, to me it is just a woman, her man, her hair, their love… it is sad that the scars and wounds don’t always allow love and peace, appreciation and support to just be seen as themselves but we are getting there…love and peace to all.
I remember watching Janelle Monae and loving her style and hair, just watched Jidenna’s video (classic man) and have my daughters appreciate all those beautiful styles and shapes, colors and cut to the fullest. i apologize to anyone who feels like Black women may not see that Black men value their natural beauty … but we all have a different experience and my brothers are different: the young one loves white skin, hair style and will make you feel uncomfortable if your hair are not straight because it makes him feel uncomfortable. My older one used to be the same, then, he visited me in NYC a decade ago, I had shoulder length locks and he loved it. He said: “wow, I didn’t know black women were so beautiful!” after walking around town and getting his locs twisted on 124th street! Truth is the environment where we grew up was all braids, weaves, perms and black just wasn’t beautiful. You would never see a strand of natural black hair out…nope.
We all need for our own sake and others’ to be peaceful in these matters: BEAUTY COMES IN EVERY SHAPE, COLOR, SIZE ; TASTE IS THE SAME. RESPECT AND KINDNESS CAN TAKE CARE OF ALL THAT.
I JUST OPENED THE BOX AND GOT OUT.
That’s a really good point. I’ve never thought about that before but yea, no one ever mentions their partner’s race if it’s the same as theirs. They would of course get side eyed for doing so lol.
Well said Imade Iyamu! I had the same thought too. The “my white boyfriend ” already gets a biased feeling and while one reads, you keep thinking….ok but why emphasis his race if the whole topic wasn’t race related right?
Good lawdy as a black man who runs a natural hair blog on tumblr (blackmen-supporting-natural-hair) black men do love natural despite what a lot of these natural hair blogs insinuate. Here in philly I’m starting to see so many black women of all ages going natural and almost all…….have black boyfriends but they don’t feel the need to let the whole world know what race they are. When black men and women claim “race don’t matter” but constantly bring up their partner race is slightly hypocritical.
The problem came from the title & how everything was phrased/worded. You said you were happy to be complimented on your natural hair by your boyfriend, not because of his race but because he is your boyfriend. So why did the title & post thereafter refer to him as ‘my white boyfriend’ instead of just ‘my boyfriend’. Adding the ‘white’ there gives significance to his race in the matter, because you would not have said ‘my black boyfriend’ if he were black. This is further exacerbated by the common stereotype of black women as desperately desirous of the white man’s attention, which the previous article played into.
To put it in perspective, imagine a black man writing an article about how his ‘white girlfriend’ takes care of him so well, emphasizing her race throughout subtly. I can tell you there would black women in the comment section calling him all manner of ‘coon’, ‘self-hater’ and what-not. Your point was that love from your man gave you confidence- that’s beautiful & amazing. But why was his race ever a point in the matter?
Thank you both for sharing a story of self-discovery, love and acceptance. It doesn’t matter what package it comes in when it is real.
I’m saying! Lol
Hi. I’m a 32 years old woman from Argentina. In spite of not being from the U.S.A., not being a black woman or a white man, I can totally relay to this story. Just because I take it as it was intended by Chinwe. We can always find something to complain about when we read something, but we have to perceive the intention of the writer at the moment that it was writen. I agree with the boyfriend about the story being about love and self acceptance. If you’re wondering how did I get here, is beacause I was looking for tips to control my natural curly and frizzy hair. Thank guys!
I am married to a white man (since 2008) and have been natural for 2 years now and his is VERY supportive of my hair journey. In fact, when he walks into the bathroom and finds me trying to wrangle my unruly 4C naps, he tells me I should just put on a headband and wear my hair as it is. He loves to touch my hair and I sometimes cringe because I think he will find it hard and well just nappy but he seems obsessed with touching my “curls” and genuinely likes my hair. Oh and he’s completely mesmerized by the fact that my hair shrinks to a fro’ but is at shoulder length in a stretched state. I love my husband and know he would love me if I had no hair at all. Many people would be surprised to see how much we are in love and how alike we are even though we are polar opposites on the outside. I’ve got a good one and no matter his skin color, he’s perfect for me and supports me on my hair journey.
My husband loves my hair…more than I do. He was and is very supportive. It’s a great feeling. Oh yeah, he’s a Caucasian man…lol
i think the real issue is that obviously ppl joined a Black site for information, input and bonding from/with other Black ppl and don’t want to have more views/opinions from Whites shoved further down our throats. in case no one thought about it you go to a Black site to get a reprieve from the White world we currently reside in; at least I do.
Americans can be so funny esp with the way they over analyse things. Hairstyles, white boyfriends etc just name it can be argued over. Are they really worth the time? Its just hair please
I personally cringed at the title of the article and this is coming from an American black woman who is currently in a relationship with a white male and who predominantly dates white men. why refer to him as your “white” boyfriend? Eww. Gross. Why not simply refer to him as your bf who happens to be white. It comes across like you are placing way too much emphasis on color.
I’ve experienced white men love my natural hair but I’ve also experience white guys shaming my curly hair and stating that I look “hotter with straight hair.” (For reference I have fine, 3c Low porosity hair that’s low to medium density)
I’ve actually received the most love from black men in relation to my hair. Even when my hair was a short fro.
I get what you were trying to do, heck my bf loves my hair too, but he loves my hair not simply because he’s white but because he loves my hair and finds it beautiful.
I think it is nice of him to want to write…But as he said the ones who want to misunderstand or judge will do just that. You do not owe anyone an explanation whether he was your savior or not. In different aspects of life sometimes it takes knowing that someone outside of yourself appreciates you for one thing or another for you to really realize how awesome a person you are. In an ideal world we are all able to face our unique awesomeness, but this is not an ideal world. People need to get over themselves and realize the reason THEY have a problem with a simple post is because THEY have issues that they need to face. Ask themselves…why am I so mad? Why am I so invested in this post? Why should I get angry over someone else’s life or story? We complain about segregation and being treated differently…if it was her “black” boyfriend who said that…would it be different? Why? Seems to me that we are the ones putting too much into analyzing what the post is supposed to mean.
My dear continue with your life. I just came across your blog while looking for an alternative to Shea butter since it was just hinted that I may be allergic. Thanks for your posts. They are quite helpful. Keep making a difference… your blog may have just saved my skin.
Moral of the story: seek to please yourself first because you can never please a mortal.
People go out of their way to get all butt hurt. Can the woman share her story without all the “white hero”/find yourself/black panther mantras??? Yeesh…
If it took someone outside of yourself to get you to appreciate your beauty then your “self validation” is INVALID and temporary. I as a black woman am tired and embarrassed of these other black women desperately seeking white men’s approval.
Stop for a minute, black women for years have been looking for validation from black men. If you look at the track record all you see is fail, some if not many have failed in caring about the you got a chip on your shoulder black woman. Let you have the black men who have encourage black women to buy a wig ‘maybe you’ll as good as the models, the female singer and some actor’. Or the black women who spent thousands of dollars on their hair or to buy some hair on a regular bases to catch a black man. Now think about it the woman has unconditional love or not? The lady has some who cares and loves the black woman in public and not at home only, is a good man. Think about what you are saying and remember she has someone who loves her, because look around black men only want light and white.
Totally agree with you! Not only that…. black men are pretty much “yawning” at black women and are NOT desperate. After all, when you feel validated by white women and black women and latino women…. it’s pick and choose.
Black women have the right to feel loved by a man of any color….this has nothing to do with hero stuff.
The Hero comments come from black women who are desparately seeking some mythical “Black King.”
She’s seeking approval from him because HE’S HER MAN. We all want our men to like us, don’t we?
I am also tired of black women desperately begging for black men’s attention….. There are at least 1.5 mil MORE black women than black men. I think black women have the right to look elsewhere because like in the article about Earth Kitt’s comments….. “the white girls have the black men.”
He loves you, you love him and that love equates to TWO, only YOU, and not anyone else. I consider myself an EOD (Equal Opportunity Dater). I deserve and expect love and respect. And if he just happens to be of another color in God’s palette of colors and he gives me that love and respect, so be it.
About that “Kitchen”….I loved my kitchen area…I miss my kitchen! Sadly one day I was getting my hair done at the salon and my hair stylist was trimming my hair and decided to shape my kitchen!!!! I was upset…my kitchen was so soft and it lay down on my neck so pretty (in my eyes). By the time I could stop him one side was already being shaved. He had to do the other side to keep it even. It never grew back the way it was.
What was the initial Chap. 2 going to be about had this whole thing not started?
Exactly. The logic seems to go something like this:
Some blacks have disparaged or not accepted my hair.
Some whites have complimented my natural hair.
White people prefer natural hair, and are more accepting of natural hair than blacks.
This will sound harsh, and I do try not to be skeptical of objectively complimentary words, but not all praise is genuine. At a certain point, I realized that all the gushing from whites (though it can be very seductive) is not always heartfelt… sometimes it’s merely rooted in curiosity (and an acknowledgement of difference) rather than genuine appreciation for the thing itself. For instance, when whites tell me they wish they had my skin or my hair (which would require them to shed all of their current white skin, straight hair privilege), I frankly have a hard time believing that. Sorry.
Also, your post called out the elephant in the room in so many of these discussions. We need look no further than the media and to actual empirical evidence regarding the dating/ mating habits of white men, to gain some perspective on this debate. The white media prefers,,, white women. White men prefer to date… white women. And yet, we are all too eager to chomp at the bit for any semblance of a compliment by white people about our beauty. Truth be told, I myself fell victim to this flawed logic in the early days of being natural because I wanted so badly to believe that there was some large population of people who actually preferred my look. It was convenient to find salvation in some so-called preference among non-blacks for natural hair. But then I realized that my sweeping conclusions about white people’s purported “love of natural hair” were just that… sweeping conclusions. It’s unfair to vilify blacks, while absolving whites for the skewed beauty standard to which black women are held. Whites have played, and continue to play, an instrumental role in supporting this dynamic.
Sure, but the person who says that you doesn’t actually understand that they are privileged. That person really believes that they could have your skin and/or hair and their life would be absolutely the same.
It’s always dangerous to look to other people’s approval of your choices. I didn’t read the post at first because I was put off by the term “white” and the authors view of herself. However, I was equally put off by the fact that it took someone else’s opinion of a natural part of herself in order to make her see it as something that isn’t negative.
Chinwe, just don’t mind am…as they say in Nigeria. It is clear that you are not emphasizing your boyfriend as being the savior of a poor little black girl.
In our community, we are just too sensitive when it comes to natural hair, black and white couples etc. etc.
It is obvious to me that you are pointing out the fact that when we women and men from african descent (african-american, caraibean or african) tend to disregard our “kitchen” as an unruly and very nappy hair, outside the community people who have not grown up in a black background see beauty in it…and you find it refreshing (me too). Your boyfriend could have been latino, asian,arabic, alien what matter is his outsider look…
Obviously you just wanted to shared an anecdote quite personal and genuine and readers chose to rip you appart préventing you to do another atempt in the future. I totally understand your article and support you and please continue to share your views, expérience with your WHITE boyfriend (that was just to mess with people because of course it does not matter) or other expériences you want to share.
Hmm I wonder why there is so much sensitivity, hmmm, why are black people so sensitive in this country, hmmmm…I guess it is true that black women get angry more than they should for no good reason. Stereotypes exist for a reason, right? /s
There are enough to go around 🙂
Yes bw create songs and throw in a lyric to make the world know shes not talking about men, but black men. Even the women in my family all single with kids , abused, and drained bm are number one. Yet like you said
the worship is never returned just music promoting other races of men’s women and YouTube videos by bm putting us down. The bm is to viewed highly at all times….im learning.
Secret, girl…you better hush before the zombies*ahem*strong Black women come and get you for not worshipping *our black men*….I’m learning too… I guess they think they’re being pro black, avenging the ancestors, or something with their knee jerk hostility to white men.(not realizing their killing their chances at potential love, maybe allies, business partners, etc).And have you noticed black males themselves are not this hostile to even White men and definitely not to White women?…so what are Black women trying to prove with this unnatural militancy and to whom are they trying to prove it?……..
And what do they get for this worship secret?….colorism, hairism, being called bitches and hoes in front of the world in black male culture(rap/hiphop), abandonment of them and their children, etc, etc, etc… it’s as if so many Black women have made black males their gods while the black male have made white women(or non black women in general) THEIR gods……Rotflmao!…Ain’t it funny girl….ain’t it funny!.
Lol, so true! Everything you said.
When dating blk girls they love natural hair. Yes thats another fetish no date, but straight to the bed room.
I think it would have been worse if the title just said ‘boyfriend’ as opposed to ‘white boyfriend’. The latter tries to explain her change in thinking after hearing the opinion of someone who wasn’t burdened with the “knowledge” that kinky nape hair’s a bad thing. The former, well, that would have just made her one of those girls who need a man to make them feel desirable. Now, for the real reason I’m commenting…where’s the original Part 2, this can’t be it, unless you’re psychic, dear writer…
I agree that LOVE is the essence of the story. Why people feel the need to overanalyze the original post is beyond me.
They would. Want her to say they would make ugly babies :/
That’s not a guarantee, because believe me I have seen some ugly mixed race babies and some stunningly beautiful black babies.
*Longer editor’s response to come.* I wanted to pop in and give perpsective on this from the editing standpoint. This is Leila, btw, and I did the final edit on the piece. So here’s the timeline:
1. The piece was pitched as ‘my white boyfriend changed my view on my kinky kitchen.’
2. I requested that white be taken out of the title, and that the article simply layout what exactly the boyfriend did/said to encourage appreciation/love of the kinky kichen. *However* I aso requested that a photo of the couple be included so that the interraciality of the relationship was referenced. Note: I DID FEEL THAT THE BOYFRIEND’S WHITNESS WAS RELEVANT TO THE PIECE. Simply because I have literally never heard a black person (male or female) refer to the kitchen as “cute”, so I felt that his ‘outside of the black experience’ POV was very interesting.
3. When the article was delivered for publishing it did not include the requested photo. We had one hour till publishing, so I decided to re-insert ‘white’ into the title so that his cultural background was referenced.
I will submit a longer response tomorrow, but just wanted to give some perspective.
So true I never heard of us say its cute. Mines was shaved off when younger. Or permed. I agree with everything you said.
I think this said all that needs to be said about the “why’s” of the first article. The part about including the picture was enlightening, but I think BGLH has said its peace on the title. I don’t think anyone is asking for blood even though it is a touchy subject on all sides.
To me its nice hearing from other cultures who love our hair. White women don’t get all upset, and question whats the point in mentioning he is black, they accept other cultures of men love their hair vs us its a debate and why must he be white smh ….its not that deep. My pet likes to lay near my head and places her paw on my hair sometimes and purrrrr. I’m not going to get upset that my cat loves my hair, but not my dog.
lord
Praise him.
Lol if only it weren’t that deep. Thank the society we live in for that. Of course every individual has the right to focus on the surface of the matter since critical thinking can get tiring… and depressing honestly.
Great article, keep them coming.
I think what may be missing from this second article is what you DID want. You’ve stated that you didn’t want race in the title without it being in the article, but since you came up with the title and wrote the article, that doesn’t really convey what you wanted or change the course of the discussion taking place.
Honestly, when you said a part two was coming from the first article, I wasn’t expecting it to be a defense of your word choice. I was actually expecting to read the deeper purpose of the first article. I would love to read what your true message was supposed to be because I still wonder.
Are you saying your boyfriend’s race was not supposed to be included in the title, or are you saying it was and that the article was meant to be written differently? If it’s the latter, why not just write an article that does expound on the first one? If it’s the former, several people have commented that white wasn’t in the original title, so why not just explain why white was included after the fact?
Go away
Let’s be honest black women!!! There are black men who love natural hair, but an overwhelming majority DO NOT! The author clearly mentioned race to juxtapose a white man’s response to her natural hair with one who is black, and that is obvious even it she denies it. But so what?! She’s not, in my opinion, suggesting that it takes a white person to help us appreciate our hair. She’s simply stating that her white boyfriend loved something that our race has a tendency to deride or disparage – her kinky nape. If it were true that most black men loved natural hair, please explain to me the significant numbers of black women rocking weaves and wigs made from another race’s (ASIAN) hair?!!! Statistically black women date men of their own race more than any other race of women. So if black men preferred natural hair in large numbers, wouldn’t more of us be natural?! And the fact that many black women dating non-black men find their partners preferring her black textured hair over a weave or wig?!!
and an overwhelming majority of white men love natural hair huh??? I guess that is why mainstream media and institutions are so supportive of black women with natural hair. Lawd!
I find black men are as duped, deceived and lacking in self-esteem as black women have been (along with the masses) for years – Buying into eurocentric beauty ideals and being marginalised by the mass media perpetually. They clearly have their own issues BIG time. They’ve dealt with it in different ways, e.g. by adopting the trend of shaving their natural hair as low as possible or just right off. Dating white women and viewing it as some sort of badge of ‘acceptance’ or upgrade in themselves in relation to society. It’s perverse, it’s sad and it largely goes unnoticed….not least by black men themselves who are often in denial about the mass-behaviour change amongst them in the last two to three decades. What used to be a rare then just occasional occurrence has become epidemic level in their patterns of ‘choice’ and behaviour towards black women. Many are misogynistic towards black women and are desperate to ‘redefine’ themselves at any cost. The move of so many black men to white women is not simply because they’ve just fallen in love with someone who happens to be white. The move statistically is at too high a level to be that.
I had to fight politely all day yesterday to not get braids, a perm or a wig!
Okay I may sound ignorant to you but I actually love those YouTube videos where people sit down and ask other people about what they think of natural hair, whether the people answering are black, white, female, male, young, old etc. I don’t watch them to feel accepted by white men or “white saviours” . I watch them to know how natural hair and the natural hair community is viewed by others. Why? Because I continue to hope that natural hair will be more widely accepted and those videos carry out research in that matter. I get to know how natural hair is faring in the world, so I appreciate the fact that people post those videos. You’re right though, white men are just men with less melanin in their skin. They aren’t perfect.
I’m not against her adding the word ‘white’ in the title of her previous post. I’m curious to know what people think of natural hair. If she had just written “My boyfriend helped me to accept my natural hair”, I would have assumed that her boyfriend was black( since she’s black ) and probably did a victory dance to celebrate the fact that black men are more open to natural hair, which was not the case. I know that people say that there are tons of black men who like natural hair but from where I am now( and from plenty of my life’s experiences ), I really can’t tell if it’s true. It seems like a magical dream, to me, in which black men love natural hair( emphasis on DREAM ) because my life’s experiences have been far from this. When I get compliments from black males, it’s usually on days when my hair is in a roller set or in another extremely-defined curly hair style, in a sleek stretched hairstyle or in an extremely-neat updo but the insults are plenty on days when I just wear my natural hair out and free, in a wash-n-go, puff, afro, regular updo( like a halo/milkmaid braid updo ) or in a not-recognized-as-beautiful-in-mainstream-media hairstyle and they overshadow the compliments and make them seem irrelevant. It’s saddening to see the number of black males who proudly prefer AND DEFEND weaves. It got to a point that I just stopped caring about what people thought of my natural hair before I could fully appreciate my natural hair in all its glory. Like I’ve said in my previous comments, a number of the black females who degraded my natural hair have either gone natural or are going natural now and they’ve started wearing weaves that look more like natural hair, but I don’t talk to them anymore because I hate the way that they treated me. I’m not surprised to see that they went natural after their criticism didn’t get to me and I continued to rock my natural hair proudly. As for the black males who degraded my natural hair, I couldn’t care less. I get tons of compliments on my natural hair from men of other races and it still baffles me concerning the fact that a male of another race will appreciate a part of you that a male of your own race dislikes and/or degrades even though it’s a part of him as well. I will continue to read articles on the acceptance of natural hair and learn from those who accept it, whether they’re white, black, latino, asian etc. I like to know that natural hair is being accepted, no matter what race the person accepting it belongs to. Sorry if my comment seems ignorant.
” . . .it still baffles me concerning the fact that a male of another race will
appreciate a part of you that a male of your own race dislikes and/or
degrades even though it’s a part of him as well.”
________________________
From the time we are children until the present, there are many things in the media and in advertising that we are bombarded with and unfortunately, the European/Anglo Saxon standard of beauty is one of the biggest. Just look around and you’ll see that it is EVERYWHERE — on billboards, on the internet, on t.v., in movies, in magazines, in the malls and shops, in beauty pageants, and it has been and still is being shoved down our throats 24-7. Truth be told, it is nothing new. It’s been going on since the days of slavery and no doubt, even before that.
So IMHO, it is no wonder why our black men have such disdain for OUR standard of beauty, for our natural hair, and for the blackness of our skin — even though it is the very embodiment what we and their mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, and female cousins are.
We may not be able to fight or conquer the system, but we can choose to honor and celebrate who we are by embracing our blackness in all of its beauty.
May the only true and wise God who created us be praised.
I don’t think many (including the natural hair community) have clicked on to the fact yet…that black men have their own HUGE issues in self-love esteem and accepting/appreciating themselves as black. They seek approval elsewhere… desperately some might say. Oh, and many just cut their own hair very very low or all off. That’s how THEY ‘deal’ with their natural hair.
“The insertion of “white” in the title with no mention of race in the post was not what I wanted.”
I never said that was what you wanted. Also, lol @ ‘the few who did’. Few? How cute. That literally made me laugh out loud.
And I’m not sure why you feel sorry for me. If you were confident in your first article and truly felt that you conveyed your point properly, then you would not have felt the need to write a second one. I sure as heck wouldn’t.
Here you are, going through EVERY SINGLE COMMENT and responding. Who are you trying to convince, us or yourselves?
The dismissive statement of ‘you didn’t read the article’ is not a very solid defense, btw. And neither is arguing a statement I never made. But you do you.
😀
AWESOME!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for this 🙂
“Your mistake was making it look like his ‘Whiteness’ was the main reason for your acceptance, which I suspect was your true feelings until it backfired and you felt you needed to do damage control.” This is it!
These are the same white people who banned black women are wearing natural hairstyles in the military, the same white people who profile and stereotype black men with dreads, the same white people who were laughing at a the hair of a natural black model on national television, the same white people who straighten and flattened the hair of every top black actress on your screen…I could go on but I promised myself I won’t comment anymore on this topic.
LET’S HAVE SOME CONTEXT PEOPLE.
We are dealing with a systemic issue here. Because you have a white boyfriend who likes the back of your head does not negate the fact that we live in a system that marginalizes natural black features and upholds whiteness as the standard of beauty. Because your white boyfriend compliments you does not mean you should write a barrage of nonsensical comments about how black people hate each other and how black men do not appreciate natural hair. Stop yourself before you hurt yourself.
I see millions of pictures on social media and websites of natural haired black couples yet no one ever writes articles about their black partner loving their kinks. I wonder why. #SleepOnThat #TheEnd
xx
+100
Exactly! Speak on it! I for one am tired of seeing this on BGLH
If the post was meant to be ‘race less’ why mention the colour of the boyfriend? For the past 20 or so years that i have been natural I have had nothing but a show of love from black men. And I can tell you this, not all white men are into black women or our hair.
“My parents didn’t like my black boyfriend”, an article by a white girl who then proceeds to write about all problematic things her boyfriend does without ever mentioning the word “black” again in that article.
You’d wonder if the highlight of the article was that her boyfriend was just bad or the fact that he was black. If race didn’t matter why put it in the title? Unless it held some sort of significance to the matter at hand?
I think this is how you article comes off; like you just dropped the word “white” casually and we’re left to wonder what significance it has on the issue at hand. Or whether you want us to consider it an important factor, etc.
It is really problematic to put things in the title that you aren’t even going to discuss in the article.
I like when race, age, religion is mentioned. You can or at least I can picture the person or sanerio better. When i called the police because my stalker came back, if I didn’t mention he was black, but just a young guy….then he would still be out there and myself dead. Just like when a guy tried to rob a family member if she said just a middle age man insted of a middle aged , white guy, about such and such height he would of got away.
Honestly, it feels like you dropped the word “white” in knowing that it will cause a reaction, and then prepared another article about the surprise you felt regarding said reaction.
Just a thought . . . why did you state that the guy who wanted your hair permed was black/African American and his father was Jamaican? What does that actually mean? If his parents are Jamaican, then he is a Jamaican-American. Are you saying only one of his parents are Jamaican? Either way, why is it relevant to mention the ethnicity of his father? This is similar to the author’s faux pas. Is it his % of Jamaican-ness that you are attributing to his desire for you to have a perm? Why couldn’t he just be black, then, since there are many black men from all over the world, including this country, that harbor the same thoughts? We need to be a bit more considerate when painting broad brushes about millions of people at a time.
Loooool not that serious. Anyway only one parent was Jamaican, so thats why. He never went as Jamaican American. Its no secret bm perfer a straighter look on women. Even Steve harvy told a bw to go ahead and be natural (even though his wife not) because her black husband wanted her to continue with extensions and she wanted her own hair.
OK. I commented because the Jamaican father had nothing to do with the son’s preference, based on your story. I understand where you’re coming from, but some people would read this and think yeah, it’s because he’s Jamaican. From your reply, that’s not what you meant. You were focusing on the fact that he was black. I get it. Thanks.
if she is saying she didnt mean any harm by it, then she didnt mean any harm by it! why try to make her feel bad about realizing her self worth and beauty? yal taking this one a little too far
Lol I agree. The word white sets some black women off. If the article was changed to a black guy no one would care or question why was his race mentioned. Even if her bf was blk and said the same she would of embraced her tight curls inthe back. I don’t care if a flying pig told her he likes it…, at the end you got a blk woman who loves all of her in a world/media that says no white women are beautiful.
Okaaaayyy but… you were the one who inserted race in your opening statement/title! If you didn’t want anyone to react so harshly you should have omitted that detail but you probably felt like oh this is going to be a teaching moment.
On a website called BLACK girl long hair you can’t expect race to not matter or be a factor in y some people read or visit the site.
No one has questioned why black is in the title of this site. Lol.
I kind of feel like I’m part of some social experiment…
John Quiñones of What Would You Do will show up any minute now. Yup. Right around the corner…
haha
I may be crazy, but when I first saw this article uploaded to the site, the White part wasn’t in the title at all. Then it was reuploaded with the word White.
A question popped into my head after posting my comment yesterday regarding the nonchalant inclusion of the boyfriend’s race. If the author had been dating a black man, and shared the exact same experience with him telling her how he loves the little curls in the back of her head, would the title of the article have been “My Black Boyfriend Changed My View on My Kinky ‘Kitchen'”? I believe the answer to that question is the true measure of whether there was intent in the inclusion of his race.
The insertion of “white” in the title with no mention of race in the post was not what I wanted. I’m not sure how many different ways I can say that, but at this time, I’m moving on from this subject. Fortunately, majority of the comments for the last article didn’t see “white saviour” in spite of that disconnect. The few that did, I chose to address with this article. If you still pick that up, I can’t help you.
Be positive. :o)
Her boyfriend IS white and that’s why she mentioned it. I think people are reading too far into how SHE feels about that and projecting their own intense feelings. I’ve only dated white guys and have had a lot of sweet moments with them in my hair, so I found the article sweet and easy to relate to.
Also, please stop saying “fetish” in reference to someone liking the way we look. Black women are beautiful to a lot of people, and it’s not strange or creepy to think so. We don’t all have black men lining up to play in our “kitchens” and tell us our hair is beautiful.
Were not a fetish. And the sad part is people may not want to share articles/stories with us. In my opinion a fetish is getting with a woman, she has your baby, but your not there. To me my dad has a fetish of getting women pregnant and leaving. Saying a black woman is beautiful is not a fetish. Are we not being told enough that when someone says it some of us feel its a fetish?
Most of the black women I see with white guys are naturals. I was surprised at how some of the readers felt about the author sharing that particular experience. I think a lot of girls had thought no one would like their hair in its natural state, and so it can be a VERY nice surprise for them to be with someone who doesn’t know about hair grades.
Being asked to come over to someone’s apartment before we’ve dated makes me feel like a fetish, not a man telling me I’m beautiful and taking me out in public. I haven’t had the pleasure of a black man offering to do so, but there have been plenty of white men who love me and my hair as I am. I grew up around white people so it wasn’t a surprise that many of them like our hair. I went natural at my 3% black high school and the curls went over better than my relaxed hair.
Why are people saying that Chinwe and her boyfriend look cute in the photo when indeed it is not them in the photograph?
I think that’s great that your boyfriend loves you and your hair. Self-love is so important. Thanks for sharing!
You guys are beautiful and seemingly very supportive of each other for who you both naturally are, leave it at that. Move on and be happy.
I’m sorry but so what if she said her WHITE boyfriend whatever?…is her boyfriend not WHITE?…so what if he is? So what if *gasp* some Black women like WHITE men..and some White men like them back….sooooo what?……WHY do some black women try to police other Black women…Every word, every gesture, every facial expression a Black woman makes some other Black woman is trying to police, looking for motives, trying to put words in mouth that were never said. And you all only do that ish to other Black women……SO WHAT?
Thanks Chinwe, I liked both articles.
Lol on all bw sites. They look at every word, every thing ane add things you didn’t say. On a different forum a blk guy said he has a white gf. He got nothing but love from other bm. On here its time to punish. One day I postef elsewhere how well blk men treated me. I got positive reactions from bw, I did it again on another site I just changed the word to white…….it was like I was on trail for murder. Grammer police came out, the your not intelligent aka words to bully, questioning if I live in America, that I’m not a bw. Must be a cult of worship for blk men..idk lol.
Lol. *a cult of worship for Black men* is exactly what it is.lmao….and its sad and funny (not) because this worship is NEVER returned…..and that’s precisely why it’s never returned…but that will be lost on them..smh.
This is getting out of hand. But seriously, can we stop this white savior complex? White men are just like any other color of men, in regards to their ignorance of black women’s insecurities about their natural hair.
How did he save her? Was she going to jump or something?
Lmao….good one.some people are ridiculous.
does he have any single friends?!? lol #butforrealtho
I still love anyone, who loves us, just as we are.
Agreed. Thanks for sharing.
I was with you on the first article, but not so much for this one. You can’t, on this website, discuss newfound hair love and insert the adjective “white” without being prepared for the response. Another user commented that without the negative indoctrination regarding the nape, he was able to appreciate your hair as it is. That’s not what came through on the first article and saying that his race doesn’t matter now is, in my opinion, disingenuous. Your article was given a context based on your word choice. Natural hair acceptance is still racially charged and this was no different.
@ Chevanne
Well said and on point.
Excellent response!
But aren’t you the one who stressed “WHITE” in the title of the article? If race was inconsequential why did you stress it?? You were clearly trying to imply something. At least own up to it or drop the matter altogether. Backtracking and trying to blame the audience for picking up on cues YOU planted is disingenuous. We are all adults here sis. And that letter from your boyfriend, you could have kept that. We really need a proper historical context when discussing issues on hair and race. I have so much I can say on this topic and your articles but I’m going to keep it cute. I’m too old to be typing up lengthy essays on the internet. Cheers xx
To respond to your first question: The insertion of “white” in the title with no mention of race in the post was not what I wanted. I’m not sure how many different ways I can say that, but at this time, I’m moving on from this subject.
Ummmm, if the race didn’t matter to you, why did you mention it?
You’re contradicting yourself in that paragraph. If you really wanted people not to focus on that, you should have left that out of the title. And then you should have mentioned that the fact that he was White was the reason for his cultural ignorance on the word ‘kitchen’, and not the main reason for you learning to accept your kitchen. Huge difference.
But that first article was titled like a White Savior article, and it read like a White Savior article. And this article reads like a back pedaling article. A backpedaling article with the insulting notion that we were just supposed ‘gloss over’ the fact that you PUT HIS RACE IN THE TITLE and continue to read as if it had little to do with the article. With a footnote from a White savior.
Or maybe she just wanted everyone to know she had a White boyfriend. Which is why she included a picture and letter of him to prove he’s real (cute couple, btw). Lol. I don’t know. I’m seriously just trying to figure out why you would expect people to just act like the word WHITE in the title was insignificant and inconsequential.
I didn’t comment on the first article because I knew just by looking at the title that it was going to cause a backlash. And I know this article will cause a buttload of comments too. Imma just wait with my popcorn.
For the record, my boyfriend is also White and loves my hair. It’s nice to have a man who supports your natural beauty. Your mistake was making it look like his ‘Whiteness’ was the main reason for your acceptance, which I suspect was your true feelings until it backfired and you felt you needed to do damage control.
But that’s none of my business.
*sips tea*
Do whatever you want.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Maybe because not every Black woman has an axe to grind against every White man(*gasp*shocking I know)especially when said White man was being complimentary and a good boyfriend…..did he disrespect her or the reading audience, called her out of her name, I.e….b or h….then so what?
The insertion of “white” in the title with no mention of race in the post was not what I wanted. I’m not sure how many different ways I can say that, but at this time, I’m moving on from this subject.
As for the rest of your comment, majority of the comments for the last article didn’t see “white saviour”. The few that did, I chose to address with this article. If you still pick that up, I feel sorry for you.
Had this crush on this guy. He was black/African American and his dad was Jamaican. He saw my natural hair and said I need a perm. I liked him did a perm and he said its not straight enough (my hair very thick and seemed to fight back) so being 19
at the time with love in mind. I permed it again next minute my already short ungrowing hair looked real damaged. It was a white girl (part french) who asked me what happened. He even tried to compare our hair saying look at my side burns, she said so what I have side burns too. She liked my texture before the perm. Long story short my feelings for him died real fast. I think its not a savor thingbI think they just like our hair because its different and not the typical straight look. I think her husband regardless of race….like if it was a blk guy she would of gotten better comments. White guy its war.
Would be nice if more blk guys said the same. Blk neighbor pro blk type made his wife go natural as soon as she caved in he was trying to get with my mom and other permed or extension wearing blk women (she divorced him later on)
Thanks for sharing.
I have to agree with you here. I see that a lot too and I think it borders on the “fetish” way of thinking. This has to do with people being under exposed to diversity within black communities. All black men aren’t the same. Just as all of us black women are not the same. You have to broaden your horizons. That doesn’t always translate into leaving your community to do so. You can’t keep traveling within the same circle of people and expect to get different results. I don’t like putting people into boxes. Its not fair. There is no way that you have met every black man or every white man to know that they are like THIS or THAT. The original article didn’t bother me. I understood what she was trying to say but an innocent article like this usually brings out the black men bashers and white man fetish folks a lot.
My ex-boyfriend, who was also white pushed me into going natural. However, I think it’s understandable that when you make someone race relevant by mentioning it people are going to focus in on that. It is in the title after all, you could have told the same story and omitted his race if you didn’t feel it was relevant. Anyway, you guys are a cute couple.
I didn’t comment on the first article because I generally didn’t care about the topic or the title. I’ve seen lots of black women praise their white boyfriends in almost a retaliatory way against the exes that didn’t or couldn’t love them like they deserved to be loved, and I’ve had my fill of arguing the merits of the “white halo/black horns” effect. I do however take issue with this second article giving the impression that readers were supposed to just gloss over the use of the word white in the title as if it were never meant to be significant to the story. As a writer, you know (or should know) that every word you pen has meaning, and that writing is meant to evoke feelings and thoughts. So to act as if there was no intent behind identifying your boyfriend’s race seems very disingenuous. I don’t think it’s wrong for any of the readers to call into question why they needed to know his race at all in an article that otherwise seemed to draw no connections to his race. For there to not be a demonstrable purpose to inserting white before boyfriend makes it seem like you’re “race-dropping” the way some people name-drop. If that truly wasn’t your intent, then maybe you should be a little more careful with your writing in the future to avoid being taken out of context. That’s my two-cents on the topic.
“Some of these were intriguing conversations I wanted to be had but not via the juxtaposition of “white” in the title against the race-less post.”
It looks like you didn’t read this article. Everything you’ve stated in your comment is opposite of what I think or say. Oh well.
I read it and stated my opinion as I see it, which is that what you wrote in this article seems disingenuous, especially the line you pulled out. Your post was race-less, but your title wasn’t. Either you meant something by including his race and you’re backtracking given the responses you received, or you need to be more careful when you write.
My first post ever. So forgive me if I’m not really as literary eloquent. I believe that the article (part one) was very intersting. I also believe that the responses were extremely valid. This is not a race thing, until you make it a race thing, adding the word white makes a tremendous difference in the topic. I think if you would have said my black boyfriend loves my kitchen there would have been responses geared toward race as well. For example, you would most likely get stories of how black men don’t like kinky hair, comments like it’s about time, comments about black women and their personal struggle with black men and natural hair. Once you say white the comments will be racially geared add you have witnessed. Listen in all honesty it does name a difference when someone who is different than you comments on, like of your skinny and a girl with curves says she loves your body it’s like oooh really? I don’t believe it’s white savior, I believe is human nature in her case, but don’t deny that fact. It DOES make a difference and that is short article for another time
To be honest, I wish that I had taken a screenshot because when the article was initially posted, the boyfriend’s race was not mentioned in the title. It was definitely something that was revisited and deemed relevant on the part of the author. I am also skeptical because the article was set-up as part one of a two part series. This is part two, and the whole thing is focused around how surprised the couple was at the reaction to the first part. If it was such a shock, then why preempt this article by separating the issue into chapters before there was a reaction to react to? Lastly, we have all read enough articles on this site to know what to expect in terms of what the audience will think of as inflammatory. There is no way that this was written with the thought that the boyfriend’s race was incidental or even irrelevant. While I don’t doubt that this couple gains strength and insight from one another (as you would hope to see from any successful, loving relationship), I think that by throwing this dude’s race into the mix in order to make the subject more titillating, it cheapens what might have been a nice moment between two people.
Blah blah blah.
I enjoyed both articles. It was very clear and understandable.
After the comment above all I could say was blah blah blah, let me go clean my kitchen you know the real one. Lol I’m tired of these history, science, etc classroom comments.
You would prefer the comments to be dry and unintelligent? Its called a discussion. People come from different walks of life with various education back grounds.
SOrry that mU comment waZ nUt simple ENuF 4 U. Wiz all tha Science blah blah. Und stuffs.
“Lol I’m tired of these history, science, etc classroom comments.”
And this attitude is why too many of us are socially, politically, mentally, and economically barren.
How great is it to love, nurture, talk and grow with someone who loves, nurtures, talks and grows with you… We live in a racial society where race is a part of our love experiences.
People and their opinions = monkey minds gone wild
Thanks.
I hear you. Thanks for commenting.
I read the first article and all I could think was, “what a great boyfriend” People always want to put words in your mouth, or words in your article. Not only do I think he’s a great boyfriend, he’s also cute… Next comment is a little juvenile, but, “They would make some beautiful babies”
Thank you. :o)
“They would make some beautiful babies”…
Le sigh…
This may be a little ‘off topic’, but I have to say I hate the term ‘kitchen’ used to describe the hair growing at the nape of our necks. I am assuming it is an ‘American’ term since I have never heard it used before. To me the term makes no sense so can someone please explain how on earth it came about. Also, the hair at anyone’s nape can look bad if not moisturised and cared for. I have never had a problem with not liking this area as I try to look after it the same as I do the rest of my head.
Yep, it’s an American term. I talk a bit about its background in the first article.
Kitchen I thought was a low clasd area term. Not all blks use that word.
Kitchen is the back of the hair. If you go to a restaurant, the kitchen is usually in the back area. I guess that’s where it comes from. Plus, back in the days, Black women used to used that hot comb to practically fry that part of the hair to straighten it out! It was usually done in the kitchen! LOL!!
I never had an issue with chapter one of the article, but I was slightly confused of the reason his race was relevant.
Overall, I still liked the article.
Now, I have to go back and read those comments. 🙂
Thanks. Most of the comments weren’t that bad. :o)
You may have wanted people to ignore your color, but the title and writing of the article completely contradict that.
You see, by putting your boyfriends color in the title of the article, clearly meant that color meant something.
If you honestly didn’t want someone to focus on your white boyfriend, then it would have been better if you had just put My Boyfriend…
How you write or label something determines the feedback you will receive.
It looks like you didn’t read this article. :/
I read it just fine thank you. I wrote about ONE of the topics MENTIONED in the article. If you wanted a full essay on every point mentioned…welp nothing else interested me. Good day.
I agree 100%
i think that because he grew up without the notion that her “kitchen” was associated with a negative connotation he saw her beauty for what it was and not the sociological stigma that has been perpetuated in our community. His “whiteness”oddly enough has nothing to do with color but with the observation of someone who has NOT been tainted by some of the negativity that exists in our community. There is more depth beyond he mere color of our skin as a people. I hope this helps!
Thanks. And fortunately, the majority of readers get this. :o)
That’s EXACTLY what I got from both articles. I myself went natural on my 29th birthday (6/9/2010), I went in my bathroom and just cut it all off (and then I cried like a baby lol). So fast forward to Spring 2011 and I’m now comfortable rocking my natural Afro I’m loving it I’m feeling sexy and beautiful (more than I’ve ever felt with relaxed hair) plus I’m now 30 (laaawwwd couldn’t nobody tell me nothing lol). Now working at the airport I come into contact with people from all walks of life. And I must say I’ve gotten more compliments from white passengers (male & female) than black passengers. One black male passenger had the audacity to actually ask my supervisor was I allowed to work there looking like that. And her being born & raised in Antigua she was clueless to what his issue with me was so she asked dumbfounded “Looking like what?” And he said “With her hair like that.” So she said “Like what? You mean in it’s natural state? The way it actually grows out of her head?” Of course he was embarrassed and said he didn’t mean to offend anyone however she was highly offended. And sadly when she pulled me to the side to tell me I wasn’t offended because I was so used to it. Especially when just a couple of days prior a Jamaican gentleman walked up to my podium to give me his ID & boarding pass and as he was handing me his documents he looks at my name tag calls me by name and says “What’s up with your hair?” And then chuckles. So I asked him What’s wrong with it? He back tracks of course like “Oh nothing forget it”. Mind you just 2 weeks ago while in the bathroom I’m washing my hands and a white female passenger looks over at me and tells me she loves my hair (I was rocking Bantu knots lol) we talked for a while and I explained what I was trying to accomplish with my bantu knots and she told me she was sure my curls would come out perfect (I thought her response was really cute especially given the fact she has no idea that a bantu knot out could go either way lol). With all of that being said I understand where the author was coming from. I don’t believe it’s a ‘white savior’ thing. I love my natural hair whether other black women or men love it or not. I however wish more of my own people would embrace our natural beautiful features…including but not limited to hair & skin tone.
I was one of those people that your article irked in the wrong way. I am not American, and the country in Europa that i am from. Nobody would take a second glance if you two would walk bye in the streets. I love the Natural hair community. But i just can’t stand all the “white man” praising. All these Youtube video’s of girls sitting down and asking their white boyfriends what they think about there hair. And all the articles about my white boyfriend this and that. And the comments on some vloggers vids about “oh there is hope for me” Oh i wish someday i will find me a white man. PUKE! I grew up with nothing but white guys, they are great but are just guys with less melanin in there skin. It was just all the online pedastal and praising that got to me. Its great that you find a man that loves you, but i just cant stand when some women make it sound that the ivory man is a achievement. P.S you two look cute!