by
Black Girl With Long Hair
Online dating is challenging for all women, but black women in particular have a rough time. Negative stereotypes seem to inform how black women are approached — or whether they are approached at all. In an eye-opening article for Vice.com Toronto-based Eternity Martis breaks down the many troubling attitudes black women face on popular dating app Tinder.
1. The assumption that black women are freaky.
A few months ago, I received a message from Leon*, a tall, dark (by European standards), and handsome man in Toronto. When I opened it, I received my first ridiculous encounter of the day: “I love black women. They are fire in bed.”
Now, aside from the racist, generalized comment just made to me, I was irked that this fool swiped right on the assumption that I would swing from chandeliers and be sexing all night like I’m straight out of an Usher music video. What if I wasn’t fire in bed, but a slow burning flame that didn’t put out?…
Candace O., from Toronto, received the following messages from a white guy named Alex: “my weakness is black girls,” followed by, “don’t take this the wrong way but i’ve [sic] always wanted to see if it was true when they say that cute coloured girls are pretty talented with their lips haha ;)”
2. Black women as sexual conquest.
One of these women was Marissa, a University of Toronto student, who was browsing Tinder when she got a message from Nick*.
“I need my black belt,” was his opening line. Marissa thought it was quirky, a little bit random, but nonetheless an interesting introduction.
“Haha do you? I should probably start with learning how to fight first,” Marissa replied.
They were off to a beautiful Tinder start.
“No…” Max replied back. “A black belt is when you fuck a black chick.”…
Serenity Hart is a Toronto-born nude model who has lived in Serbia, Italy, France, and London, England. She receives tons of messages from white men (mostly from Toronto) on Tinder who describe the creepy things they would do to her. “Some of the comments on Tinder (all by white men) have been about wanting me to be their first black ‘experience,'” she said in an email.
Andrew, a white male, wrote the following to Hart: “i really want to have sex with u for my first black girl can u help me open me up sexually [sic].”
When she called him out, he got defensive: “It’s a joke relax not everyone takes this app seriously.”
3. Fetishizing of black women.
Sheba Birhanu has had just about enough of men on Tinder. She lives in London, Ontario, and has taken a long hiatus from the app because she just can’t even anymore. After this message from Lucas*, I don’t blame her: “When ya waan breed mi gyal[?]” he said randomly. “Wrong continent,” she replied.
Birhanu is also tired of being called cocoa-laden names. “I have never slept with a black girl before. I crave some dark chocolate,” Mark massaged her. She shut him down real quick.
“It tastes like oppression and exploitation,” she wrote back. “Idk [sic] kind of bitter but if that’s your thing…” That definitely was not the chocolatey goodness Mark was looking for.
4. White male ‘wannabe down’ trolls.
Mandy is also tired of the struggle. She told me that 95 percent of the racist and sexist messages she gets are from white guys. Some of them even try to impress her with their gangsta street cred, like Alif, who asked her if she’s from Etobicoke because “people that live in ghetto/rough neighborhoods intrigue me.”
She’s from Caledon.
Tim also tried to earn his black stripes by saying he has two Jamaican friends and is “crazy passionate about bbal. [sic]”
5. Being cast as the ‘angry black woman’ or unable to take a joke when concern is expressed.
Candace wants to put thirsty chocolate lovers in their place, but she doesn’t want to give them the satisfaction of her rage. “It’s frustrating,” she told me. “You don’t wanna sound like the angry black woman, you don’t wanna add to that stereotype.”
6. Views of black women that date back to slavery.
Camille Hernandez-Ramdwar is a sociologist at Ryerson University focusing on Caribbean studies and racism in Canada. She believes this kind of behavior derives from historical entitlement to black female bodies. “Why are white men perpetuating these aggressions on Tinder? Because they always have,” she said in an email.
“I[t] has been around since the days of colonialism and slavery. Perhaps a younger generation of women find this startling, but I certainly don’t. It goes to show how little has changed in the arena of white male supremacy and the white male ‘gaze.'”
So what is Martis’ conclusion?
Just stop, and try to understand that if you can’t handle the chocolate like a gentleman, then stop trying to swirl.
We are inclined to agree. It’s unreasonable to expect a white suitor to understand all the complexities of being a black woman in society today. But the expectation of respect and decency is never unreasonable.
Ladies, what are your thoughts? And what have your experiences been with online dating?
38 Responses
I did find this to be an interesting article, but I agree with many of the others’ comments here saying this really isn’t something we didn’t already know. It isn’t new and it’s not surprising.. And it’s CANADA for goodness sake! I actually tried a personal experiment with a dating app called AYI. I don’t meet men thru dating sites, but I created a profile to prove a point. I was hearing things just like this article has basically pointed out that, in the online dating world black women are minnows and all other races are salmon.
Anyhow, I created my profile and within a couple days had the 100 men needed to begin putting together “statistics”. Well, I didn’t continue with my experiment. I never completed it for a couple reasons but the biggest was that I apparently have a very ” ambiguous ” look so most of the men weren’t truly aware that I am black. So needless to say that experiment bombed. But I would like to add that although, yes, black women tend to be fetishized by white men and every other race, there are also those that are decent and respectful and simply appreciate the beauty that is black woman.
I had a white man just yesterday say to me, you are a very pretty lady. And I said oh thank you, and we had a brief convo and he walked away. I only really thought on the encounter later and it occurred to me that wow, I had just been RESPECTFULLY COMPLIMENTED by not just a WHITE man but a man… Period! So, it is possible and there are decent men out there. We as black women and women period just need to Starr filtering out nonsense. That means don’t give it attention. Don’t say hello to it. Don’t giggle at it. And most of all don’t tell NOBODY else about it and maybe eventually all mention of it will die.
I used to troll sexist/racist white and black guys on a popular dating website. It became depressing after a while to see how committed people are to their bigoted ideology.
what is hipster racism??? this is a serious question.
“ironic” racism, it’s meant to be funny and tongue in cheek, but it’s still racist.
maybe in the profile they should put serious inquiry only and specifically put I am not a experiment on how to be with a black women
I’m not even on Tinder and I get craziness from white dudes on regular online dating site. I just block and report.
Seriously who looks to settle down with anyone they meet on Tinder? I was under the impression the site is strictly for hookups anyway. So finding your dream mate on there is just that….a dream.
Just ignore the trolls.
Let’s be clear as well….white men are not the only men capable of offending and fetishizing black womenhood. In fact, most of the mysogynoir by its definition comes from men who share your melanin…especially the fetishes of black men on light skinned women. So, if you are going to write or highlight a topic in regards to black womenhood being disrespected or fetishized, then you better start with the men within your own community since these are the men most black women date. The motives behind this article are suspect. In fact, I think many within our community are so threatened by the thought that more and more black women exercising or thinking of exercising their options to date non black men that these articles have to be recycled to corral black women back into their “place”. The only demographic that has a right to date as many different groups of people are black men and black women you better not even think about it. You better understand…the gaslighting really needs to stop. I’m suspicious of this article because to me this is another feable attempt to discourage black women from dating out and exercising their options like any other demographic out there. In dating a variety of men and vetting as many men only increases your chances of finding a suitable partner who is willing to provide, protect, and produce which is what black women need to focus on. Never, have I read an article to date or a blog targeted to black males on the perils of dating and marrying nonblack women….funny how that never comes up. Most of these “cautionary tales” are exclusively targeted to black women for the purpose of keeping black women loyal to only black men despite the fact that the same loyalty is not reciprocated. Ladies…be critical of any man and vet…but don’t let this article discourage you from meeting men of all hues. Like your finances, diversify your options, it’s in Your best interest, much to the chagrin of others who don’t have your best interest at heart.
THIS^^^
Too much truth. It’s like the moment black women want to date out, “Don’t forget you’re fetish, feeding into white s
@dmalikat @@mlank64:disqus Keep bringing the truth out there! Preach! You are so accurate and well spoken!
BOOM!!!!You summed it up perfectly about what’s going on with these articles….and how they are never focused on Black men even though they are the last picked group of men except by Black women but you never hear about their difficulties….only Black women….yup….it’s calculated.
Exactly. Btw I met my (white) boyfriend on Tinder.
It’s Tinder lol. Finding a gentleman is like trying to find organic kale at Burger King. Good Luck!
PREACH HUNTY <3 Wow I love this comment
I mean…this article is sensational, it grabs attention quickly and it will probably bring great traffic to the website, however….I find it hurtful, and harmful to black women.
It’s one thing to talk about social justice, and expose racism, but it’s another thing to litteraly feed readers with a useless and inaccurate article that reinforces this idea that black women are always fetished, treated badly, isolaed and such and such. This article pictures tinder (and online dating) as just another hellish platform where black women are ridiculed.
In reality, many black women get more flirting opportunites online, some of my friends have litteral gotten engaged thanks to online dating. Creepy guys are everywhere, there aren’t more creeps on tinder then in the general population. Being black and being a women doesn’t mean you will get treated badly.
If the only side of reality BGLH is interested in talking about is this, and omits to talk about success stories and the positive side of online dating(specifically for black women) then I consider this article negative, inaccurate and harmful. It’s harmful to constantly be fed the idea that we’ll always get mistreated, it’s not true. Stop feeding us this lie and talk about both sides of reality.
I agree. I came here thinking the trolls were saying, “Aunt Jemima go back to Africa, your kind is not wanted on Tinder!” or something of the like. This is not trolling. This is ignorant men looking for a hookup, the same I (unfortunately) expected to encounter when I still went out to the clubs. I’ve had worse sent unsolicited to my FB inbox. Idk, I just expected something else from this article.
I agree 100%
You are so right. I asked myself the same question, what is the purpose of this article? This article could have been the perfect opportunity to “warn” women about men who fetishizes black women, but don’t love us. The fact that they just summarized a report was pathetic. Not to mention it further stigmatizes dating online. and this article just seemed to overgeneralize the dating arena for black women.
Yah, I’ve experienced this in real life too :P. Once I went on a date with a guy that seemed nice, and after a few minutes of chatting he just blurted out that he wanted to stroke my brown skin and wondered what it would be like to make love to me! I met him at church so that was a bit of a surprise. The other was a white guy I ran into out shopping, and he said he heard black women are fire in bed and proceeded to plead with me to go home with him. We were in a mall, and I’d literally run out with a scarf on my head and a t-shirt and skirt so I was not dressed like I was up for a party! That said I’ve met plenty (plenty!) of rude black men who feel entitled to my attention, and gone on dates with men of various colors who were great. But yah, this particular fetish issue is annoying, because it’s not that they think you’re beautiful, you’re just a strange experience to check off like eating fried bugs or something!
Dear Beans,
You can find a group of people who believe in God and practice what they preach. That a man should love a woman as he does his own body and that we need to show love to one another. Lovin your neighbor as you love yourself (2nd). The simplest form of showing love is not making any trouble to someone you don’t know. For a man it would be showing genuine interest and selflessness (not wanting to have you only for an intimate reason). There are people who live by that standard.
Hope you find a person like that.
Kind regards,
B.
1) I am not surprised. However, I didn’t know that any woman was on Tinder with the expectation that they would find anyone of quality on there. I am not a fan of online dating at all.
2) Remember: We are talking about white Canadians…you have to live in Canada to understand how different they are. There’s a lot of hipster racism that occurs here. And sometimes, they really just don’t know any better.
3) Check out “Bye Felipe” on Instagram. Comments such as these, and far worse, are made on a regular basis to women on Tinder.
True, no matter the color of the man, love/like, respect, decency, and good manners NEVER go out of style.
I don’t even know where to start. First, I want to preface that I love being a part of the BGLH community and appreciate the recent blogs that celebrate black achievement outside of celebrity and entertainment as well as educating us on our history. Keep it coming! It’s refreshing and I find myself forwarding your posts to friends at least a couple times per week.
HOWEVER, I ask you this…what purpose does this article serve? No, really? Vice.com already published it, you pretty much just summarized and re-published it. Black women are bombarded with published content that says we’re not good/attractive/talented/online-dateable enough all of the time or be afraid or skeptical of something different because “you’re” not welcome by other races. So when I read this…I ask myself, “what’s the difference between reading it here or on a non-black site?” There is no difference, except the founder of Vice.com (appears) to be a white man and BGLH is a black woman. Why are you feeding us the same garbage that they are feeding the masses that basically continues to support useless studies and polls that say prepare to be ignored and mistreated.
BGLH has a responsibility to its readership to be impartial, by demonstrating two sides of an issue. You know why?
Because there may be women out here reading this article who were skeptical about online dating, but read yet again another negative post about only dating – but it’s coming from us and now you’ve tarnished it. Or a single lady who may be feeling hopeful about putting themselves out there to meet more men by going online…but you kicked sand in their face. Because this article is basically saying,Tinder (spec. white) users are basically saying you can’t sit with us. This is not a “calling you out on the carpet” comment, but a moment of reflection and asking you to do better.
So to the ladies who are on the market reading this and are a bit gun shine about Tinder or online dating. Let me tell you, like any site with anonymity (Twitter, Periscope, YouTube), there are idiots (racists, sexist, sickos) who hide behind a profile an act out their true selves. This is not an indication of your value nor worth – it also is not a statistic (I’m a data strategist by trade), this story and okCupid 2009, 2014, 200-who cares study on black women and online dating (yes the Vine.com article took it there), is anecdotal at best. I know many black women who have met, married and committed to men on online dating sites – some, yes hunty, even married to white. In fact, I have a friend who’s boyfriend (she met on Tinder) is moving from DC to her town to be with her as we speak.
BGLH where are those stories, the successes; what works and is making black women happy. So other black women can observe that and replicate it for themselves?
Ladies (and BGLH), you have two choices: 1) you can allow these fools to distract you and give them a platform on “our” sites to continue to spew their venom or 2) you can (encourage others to) focus on the guy that’s respectfully interested in you and see where that leads.
I love a dramatic post as much as the next girl, but when it comes to the issue of dating we need to be a little more “tender” with how we frame issues. Peace.
Interesting article and very true. We as black women get the shorter end of the dating stick! Granted I have not been on Tinder and plan not to sign up, but I’ve had such cases where a white guy who claimed they ‘liked’ me but they wanted another black girl. I shared this in another discussion. They would tell me that their exes were African American! Yes so that justifies their actions. ? Then I ran into a few that were curious as listed in the second point.
After those scenarios I just shit it down. There is so much disrespect towards black women everywhere. It’s so disheartening and discouraging to the spirit. We are seen as angry, in your face, and as Disloyal ( Like Chris Brown sung). I read a quote that went like this: ‘A man will never respect hisself, if he can’t respect his own woman[sic]’
Speak for yourself.
Unnecessary. Bye!
No, I agree with Brianna. Speak for yourself.
I believe that she IS speaking for herself, Brianna. That was the point
Completely agree with you. Ive had more than a few occasions where white men thought it was 1815 Georgia instead of 2015 New York . My body is mine. Im glad we dont need their ranks or admiration, I look to Africa.
I’m sorry that these have been your experiences. My sister met a white guy online and it turned out that he was a good guy. He had no black exes, they met as friends and they just wanted to get to know each other.
Yea…it’s Tinder, people aren’t on their best behavior since they are primarily looking for hookups. You’d think they’d understand that being a fetish-y douchebag isn’t going to win a black woman over but they don’t seem to realize this lol.
I actually expected the racist/sexist “pickup lines” from non-black dudes and they certainly delivered. Not all, but most. A majority of those who actually approached me respectfully and piqued my interest through conversation were black men, although most of my matches were non-black.
You can meet nice people on there, I have and am still with him 6 months later, but it takes quite a bit of weeding out the toads.
Exactly. I got quite a few creepy ass messages (the 1st experience and sexual fetish ones seem to be the most popular approach), but in the end, I ended up with a nice White guy whose first message to me had to do with video games, movies, books, and not sex in anyway. He was a refreshing change from the sea of toads I had to swim through to find him.
No and nope! I have zero interest in online dating and even less in Tinder. Meeting the old-fashioned way (through a mutual friend, at church, the grocery store or the gym) for me is the only way to go.
It’s not that easy for everyone though, what if you live in a backwater town and you’re not Christian.
Well then, perhaps online dating is the answer. Nevertheless, meeting the old-fashioned way isn’t necessarily a walk in the park either — at least not for me. I’m just under 6 ft. and all things considered, let’s just say the word of the day is “PATIENCE”.
All day, everyday.
I guess the pervert, disrespectful bunch among white males who wish to swirl rendez-vous’d on tinder.