by
Black Girl With Long Hair
27-year-old Amber Amour is a New York activist whose work centers on creating a culture of sexual consent and empowering sexual assault victims to report their assaults. Her first experience with sexual violence came at age 12, and she began her work in 2014 after being sexually assaulted by a roommate and finding the rape reporting to be incredibly traumatic.
I’ll never forget calling 911 and reporting my assault – only for eight male officers to turn up at my door. I was like, ‘OK, I said the rapist wasn’t here, so I don’t need eight of you, and at least send one woman, please?’ I don’t think they realised how traumatic it is for a survivor.
But then it got worse. One of the officers asked me if I was ‘sure’ that my rapist had known I meant no. ‘Maybe he thought you meant yes,’ he said. I remember looking down at his wedding ring and thinking, ‘if your wife says no, do you keep on going? Do you disregard that?’. Then, after all that, they ended up dismissing the court case anyway.
Amour recently took her ‘Stop Rape. Educate’ tour to South Africa where she was raped while showering with a man. Shortly after she uploaded a photo to Instagram, with a caption detailing the incident.
We must warn that the description is very graphic.
It was only a few minutes ago but sometimes these things happen so fast it’s hard to remember all the details…. I’ve been sick for the past 2 days and today was my first day out. I went back to my old hostel to leave a note for a friend, Nick. There was another guy there, Shakir, who was desperately trying to get with me. I kissed him once but he seemed drunk so I told him it was bad timing, I had already met someone. Before heading out, I went upstairs to say hi to one more friend, Clyde from the states. Shakir followed me upstairs and said he was going to take a shower. He invited me to join. I said yes because the water at my current hostel is pretty cold and after 2 days of being sick, I just really wanted a hot shower. As soon as I got in the bathroom, he forced me to my knees. I said “stop!” but he just got more violent. He lifted me up and put his penis in my vagina. I asked him to stop, again, as I began to cry. When he shoved it in my ass, that’s when I passed out. I woke up a few minutes later and saw him trying to creep out the door. When he saw that I was awake, he came back to finish me off in the shower. I have all those fucked up feelings that we get after rape…shame, disgust, suffering. I’m here, alone, and any DNA has been wiped away in the shower. The South African police will just roll their eyes when I walk in. Feeling sicker than ever now. Needless today, I’m going to disappear for a bit. Just need to enjoy the freaking sun and call my friends and family in the states. Love you guys. Thank you for always being there for me. All the more reason to continue @stoprapeeducate but not today. Today, I need rest. #StopRapeEducate
In an article on Marie Claire, Amour explains why she chose to include all the details, perhaps despite knowing they would cast her as unsympathetic or lacking credibility.
I immediately knew that I couldn’t keep what had happened a secret. Here I was, telling survivors every single day that they should speak up… I knew I had to practise what I preached. So the first thing I did was take a picture and write a post, describing what had happened.
It was almost an intuitive thing. I was still in the bathroom – in the crime scene. I don’t even think I’d stood up. I just typed and typed.
I told the story truthfully – I wanted to convey the message that no matter what a person does, they do not deserve rape, they did not ask for it, they did not put themselves in a situation. There were definitely details I could have left out – there were definitely details I wanted to leave out – but I knew that if I wanted to create a culture of consent, I had to tell the whole story, exactly the way it happened.
Amour also uploaded a photo of herself at the hospital doing a rape kit.
My view of the rape kit. Thank you all for being so loving & supportive during this time. Your messages pushed me to take action and to stand up for myself and for all rape survivors. For those who wish to BLAME ME or any other survivor out there, I want you to know that you are the very reason that I am so brutally honest. I could have hidden details. I could have kept some info to myself, but NO. You need to know the truth and to see the reality of the situation. No matter what a person does, it is not an invitation for rape. It doesn’t matter if I kissed him. It doesn’t matter if he was drunk. It doesn’t matter if I said yes to a shower. I never said he could get violent with me. I never said he could make me bleed. I never said he could rape me. But still, that’s how the scene went down. I don’t need to explain myself but if you’re wondering WHY I took a shower with him, it was written in the text, I’d been sick with food poisoning for 2 days and needed to sweat it out. My current place of residence has only cold water (third world problems are real!) and it seemed like a miracle to be offered a hot shower. That’s not what he was there for though, because as soon as he got a chance, he threw me to the ground and had his way. Dealing with rape is hard enough but the aftermath is often even more traumatic but I did this for you and I did this for me. The US Embassy and the South African police are super supportive and he may be arrested as soon as this week. Thank you for the love. And for the victim blamers, I send love, peace, and enlightenment to you so that you may be a beacon of light for us, too.
Now, as you can imagine, Amour’s story has been a lightning rod online. She has been accused of everything from making up the story to promote her cause, putting herself in a position to be raped to discrediting other victims of sexual assault by publicizing what many feel is a sketchy story. However, the discussion has shone a bright light on expectations of women versus men in the aftermath of sexual violence. Rape survivors and anti-rape activists have spoken up to explain exactly why these beliefs are problematic. Names have been withheld to protect identity.
1. Consenting to a shower is not the same thing as consenting to sex.
PERHAPS she wanted to take a shower with him because she liked him? She consented to the shower but she did NOT consent to sex. I can consent to one thing and then say no to sex. If you pursue sex anyway against my wishes then that is rape.
If even women cannot understand that there aren’t exceptions to the concept of consent, then there really is no hope for men.
2. The discussion around Amour’s story suggests that many believe certain situations JUSTIFY rape and there is a point beyond which men cannot control themselves, and will have no choice but to rape. Thus the victim, and not the rapist, is held accountable for her assault.
The question isn’t why did she take a shower with him. The question is why would he rape her. Likely because he could. There are no consequences and even women blame/shame the victim.
Wow are we so badly trained to look at what SHE could have done differently instead of that HE is a monster? Craziness…women always have to change/do something different but the men can just simply be monsters and that’s cool.
We live in a world where people blame victims for their own rapes instead of the rapists who violated their bodies.
He FORCED HIMSELF into her body and you really are telling me that she is responsible for that?
3. When it comes to the timeline for reporting rape it’s ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’. Amour has been criticized her for coming forward publicly and immediately. Other victims are criticized for remaining private, and waiting days, weeks or months after the incident to report.
So what’s the appropriate time? Some folks want victims to come forward loud and proud, immediately. To have their wits and courage about them and tell someone right away. Others think that a respectable waiting period is in order. Which is it for you? And if it’s the latter? How long should one way in order to be respectable, but still credible?
It is thoroughly ridiculous that women are castigated for not coming forward sooner. She comes forward moments afterwards and look at the result. People are still victim blaming, slut shaming, and questioning her common sense. Why isn’t common sense not to rape someone? Why isn’t it common sense that people are entitled to determine what happens to their bodies even when you are turned on?
4. Many rapes and instances of sexual violence occur in a situation like Amour’s — on dates or in romantic and intimate situations.
Your daughter is more likely to get raped by someone she knows, which means that she will put the protection down because she thinks he wouldn’t rape her. Just like this guy, it was an acquaintance not some guy in a dark alley.
When I was younger I did not understand that I was putting myself in dangerous sexual situations. I cannot stress this enough, I was ignorant to the harm that would later come and was still slow to connect my behavior with the outcome.
Back then, I would seriously not have understood the implications of netflix and chill. I would have expected literally netflix and chilling. Totally unaware that it is a set up and/or mutual agreement to mess about.
I would hang out with people at all hours of the night (I used to be a real vampire worked overnights the whole 9) and I never considered my actions as anything other than platonic and normal.
I did not understand the possibility of sexual assault and violence that I was exposed to until much later.
Waking up and realizing that there are a lot of people who would use you just as soon as they would hurt you is tough to grasp.
5. Rape is glamorized, sexualized and ‘pornified’ in American entertainment. On shows like Law and Order SUV and countless pornography sites we see pretty, young (mostly white) victims being raped as entertainment. Yet there is little public sympathy or appetite for real life stories of rape, especially when they involve women of color.
They’ll watch it on tv, in movies, read about it, write about it, laugh/joke about it, threaten to do it themselves but nah, don’t TELL them you’ve ACTUALLY been raped. That’s just too much
As for Amour’s attacker, he has been arrested and she has continued her sexual consent activism in Africa.
75 Responses
Checking back how is the case going? I pray you have not gotten into a shower with anyone whom has offered. You have to be careful. My mom told us that thing between your legs is like GOLD TO MEN, WE GIVE BIRTH AND WE’RE ABLE TO MAKE LOVE. WHY DO YOU THINK MOST MEN ARE TAKING WHAT WE HAVE THAT IS GIVEN TO US FROM GOD?
I’m honestly shocked she live Instagram’ed it. It takes victims more than 5 minutes to overcome their grief and express their strength. Of course, there are several other things to address, but I’d rather not share my opinion.
Oh my god, and you keep going into rants that really don’t add anything to the conversation! You are also guilty of what you accuse me of doing: reading past my words. I’m done with this conversation because it’s clear I’m shouting into the wind…a pointless exercise. One last time:
1. Every time women are raped/sexually assaulted, society insists on telling us that we are somehow complicit in our violation because we failed to take the proper precautions/put ourselves in dangerous situations/dressed too slutty/other BS.
2. In doing so, society not only absolves men who commit these violations. This is what I mean when I say emphasis is placed on women protecting themselves. It also continues to perpetuate the fallacy that women NOT doing these things is a way to protect themselves from rape, a fallacy that is disproved by the fact that women and girls who don’t do any of these things still get raped/sexually assaulted.
3. It is a fallacy because while there are men out there who want to rape, women are not safe regardless of what they do.
4. Therefore, instead of focusing just on what women should do to avoid getting raped, we should also focus on how to get men to stop raping. Which means examining all the things we do as a society that fuel rape culture and basically sanction rape.
For the thousandth time…I AM NOT SAYING WE SHOULD NOT TEACH GIRLS/WOMEN HOW TO BE SAFE!!! I am simply saying that that is just one part of the equation and all too often we ignore the other, even more vital part of it.
OMG. I feel the same way about you. LOL I think perhaps you are trying to connect my words with some larger platform idea you have about how “society” feels. I have never said any action or inaction absolves anyone of rape, any action or inaction merits someone be raped or that any action or inaction is a guarantee not to be raped. You have your reason for being frustrated with me. My frustration is you keep going back to “society” saying this after I made it very clear I DON’T feel that way. I told you multiple times I was NOT opposed to instruction. But i think people have to be open to instruction. So you can’t understand what I said by I see someone who rapes as a manifestation of having a deeper underlying character issue? Can’t understand when I say you can’t teach people who have no value for human life to respect women’s boundaries.? There are a lot of young people out there who have no problem holding a gun to your head and pulling the trigger for no reason than they felt like it. I’m saying if you are not building a basic moral foundation where people have a sense of self worth and worth for others then IMO anti rape classes are icing on a nonexistant cake. if you think that is irrelevant then we see things differently and yes our discussion is pointless. But it’s all good. Have a blessed day.
There is no reason for anyone to rape anyone! However why on earth would she kiss him…then realize that he was drunk and tell him now isn’t the time. He then said he was going to take a shower and invited her to do so with him and she agreed to that. Where is the common sense to that? If you kiss someone and then agree for them to see your body 100% naked while showering how can you not expect them to want to sleep with you especially when you know that they are drunk…in all honesty she did not show herself as having much wisdom in this case. I am in no way saying that she deserved to be raped because she did not…also this man no matter what she did or didn’t do should not have have forced himself on her…no means NO bottom line! But in the future I pray that she uses wisdom and that other females do as well. Do not put yourself in these positions ladies!!!
There are no perfect rape scenarios. and no perfect victims. This is what womanhood can look like. being raised to adore men but fear them at the same time. and if we lean too far in either direction we are always to blame. a man can call a woman a hoe or a slut and nobody questions his word. a woman accuses a man of rape and people swear she’s lying. and need “proof”, but really no proof is ever going to be good enough.
Don,t force sex on someone who doesn’t want sex, that’s the thing to understand.
Women are always told to protect themselves, men are told to stop hurting women but when they hurt women it’s “why didn’t you protect yourself?”
Stop victim blaming
Why take a shower with a drunk man after he desperately tried to get with you?
Maybe she was a bit tipsy herself?
Why rape a woman?
Regardless, that that does not give him the right to rape her. No means no, means no, means no. You can parade around a room full of men butt naked twerking for all you are worth and that does not give any of them the right to rape you. So your question is irrelevant in regards to the end result.
True that doesn’t give him the right to rape her. Nobody deserves to have that happen to them. But as a rape activist, wouldn’t she have taken precautions if it happened to her before? Couldn’t she have waited until he finished his shower or ask him to take a short shower so that she can get hot water? Hopping in a shower with a stranger who is drunk and knowing he desperately wants you seemed like a good idea?
I don’t think he was drunk when he raped her. I think she was talking about a prior interaction she’d had with him. This was someone she knew and with whom she’d been intimate, or contemplate intimacy.
“Except that we spend SO.MUCH.TIME. teaching girls and women how NOT to get raped and it does jack.”
I was responded to this part which seems to me to indicate it is a waste of time to teach people caution and good decision making. We can say how many people were raped after doing all the right things but It is not easy to know how many people were not crime victims because of their precautions. If you read my earlier posts I said there are women out there who don’t have wiser people to guide them. Contrary to your beliefs. You seem to indicate I am judging people when really you are by assuming everyone has access to this information like everyone “knows better” when it comes to this stuff. Some people don’t. Some people don’t even have parents around. That is my point as why we should look out for each other. My mom talked to me as a child about not talking to strangers etc but that was different than being taught about precautions in teen and adult interactions. I even said myself I wish someone had talked to me more about it like don’t lie down in bed next to a man you don’t want to have sex with. I look back on foolish naive risks I have taken and know but for the grace of God I’m still alive. I am someone who in late teens early 20s more than oncemet a guy and either right after meeting or soon after accepted a ride from him. Didn’t think anything of it. Never had a problem until once in college while living in a foreign country. Some friends and I got into two seperate cars with some guys we met in a club.they seemed nice. Thought we’d save cab money. But instead of taking us straight home like we asked they took us somewhere we had no idea where and we freaked out. Fortunately they then took us home but all I could think was they will never find my body. I vowed to never to do that s$/t again. Do you really believe everyone is now educated and there are no longer women naive enough to do this? Other than my asshole ex boyfriend I had never told anyone what happened to me almost being raped except the BGLH readers. My motive has been made out to “shame” this woman when my hope and prayer is that by sharing my story that yes this can happen to you, someone especially a young lady will read this and avoid my mistakes put me in a vulnerable situation where I was attacked. Instead I get attacked for shaming which makes me not even want to come on this site. Who can I be shaming except myself. I think it’s great you want to educate more men not to rape. I am not against that. But some people are predators, scumbags, or just plain old f’ing crazy and there is not enough talking in the world to change that. They can’t be rehabilitated and all you can do is try to keep them away from you. That is also part of the reality. Now I think I want to take a leave from this site.
I am sorry for what happened to you and thankful that you managed to escape. But my point is, even if you hadn’t “put yourself in foolish situations” there is still the unfortunate chance that you would still have been a victim of assault. Because the problem isn’t being unaware or “naive” or stupid. The problem is there are men out there intent on raping and so all the precautions in the world are not going to protect you. You mean to tell me you don’t know/haven’t heard of girls/women who have gotten raped/assaulted when they were not “in foolish situations”? Women who were raped by male family members they trusted? Women who were raped by their husbands/boyfriends? Women who were raped by police officers, pastors, teachers, bosses or other authority figures? Women who were raped while at home in their own beds? How would teaching these women to protect themselves have helped them in ANY of those scenarios? As long as we continue to emphasize the woman’s duty to protect herself and NOT the man’s duty to be a good human and NOT RAPE, we’re kidding ourselves thinking that will solve anything.
Look, I have done some “foolish things” myself and come out unscathed. I have lain in bed with a man with whom I didn’t intend to have sex. I have also invited male friends to my home when no one else was there. And guess what? They didn’t rape me. I have been at family gatherings, however, where male cousins attempted to grope me or force me to perform sexual acts when no one was around. The difference between those scenarios is that some men respected boundaries and understood the concept of consent while the others did not.
“But some people are predators, scumbags, or just plain old f’ing crazy and there is not enough talking in the world to change that. They can’t be rehabilitated and all you can do is try to keep them away from you.”
And while we’re at it, how about we just build a wall to protect ourselves from the thieves and murderers of the world and hope that takes care of it?! /sarcasm.Ya, some people are just scumbags and predators and we should indeed teach young women to watch out for that. But why don’t we ALSO emphasize teaching boys/men to respect women, respect women’s boundaries and understand that NO means NO? Why must the onus be SOLELY on women to save ourselves from these fools who will take advantage of us when given the chance?
I think to some extent you are reading past my words and filling in the gaps of what’s not mentioned in trying to interpret what you think I mean to say. I am not surprised you were able to lay down in bed next to a man and not get raped. As I stated before being in a vulnerable situation does not compell anyone to take advantage of you. Just like I said I have on several occasions gotten into vehicles with men I just met or barely knew and nothing bad happened. But it’s risky never the less. Have I ever said all rapes were products of naivete. Or that taking precautions is a 100 percent safeguard you won’t be raped. NO!!. You keep saying all the emphasis is being on teaching women to make good decisions in personal safety. I don’t see much emphasis on it. I see plenty of parents who are too busy clubbing and haven’t grown up themselves to supervise or tKe interest in their kids. And there are parents don’t like to broach difficult subjects because they don’t want their kids to know the world isn’t all rainbows. I am not against talking to boys/men about respecting women’s boundaries and why not also advocate teaching boys/men about how their boundaries should be respected as they also do get groped and raped. There is a priest I have known for years who is in jail for this as we speak. And I personally know a female teacher who took advantage of a 14 year old girl and went go jail. A lot of those trusted people like preachers, coaches and relatives do not choose just anyone to target. They look for victims they think won’t go back and tell. Those relatives who groped you when alone ( as mentioned these many of people are opportunists) for some reason thought they could get away with it with you instead of a kick to the nuts. Teaching beforehand what to do if someone does or tries to victimize you is part of the education. But if a rape is about power trip thrill then what the predator wants is to force someone who says no. They know what the boundaries are and enjoy violating them. Have you been following the former NFL player who is rich and drop dead gorgeous and could easily get many women to agree to sleep with him but CHOSE to drug them. Or that OK cop looking for prostitutes to rape? I think perhaps the difference between us is that I put more energy towards self empowerment and self education because I know the only person’s actions I can ultimately control are my OWN. Should I rely on teaching a man he shouldn’t rape me and hope for the best. How about you teach him and I go to the range and teach myself how to put a bullet in his ass if he comes at me. Another difference
likely between us is you seem to have more faith in the overall good nature of humanity than I do. Not everyone has good character. Anyone who is forcing themselves on others IMO has a character issue that likely reflects in many other actions and attitudes. . And if they don’t have a moral foundation to me the “don’t rape” message is pointless. Like putting frosting on an invisible cake. Knowing it’s wrong doesn’t mean people want to do right. I have listened to too much courtroom testimony of some of the most brutal and inhuman rapes and murders to think differently. If you want to try to teach people who have no value on their lives much less someone else’s to respect when a woman say no then have at it.
Just one more thing. If you look at the 10 commandments which have been around for a minute you will see in reality there has long been instruction given to people about how we should treat each other. Don’t steal, kill, love your neighbors, do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. The last IMO would clearly emcompass rape as no one would want to be raped. So if you were taught this then you were taught not to rape. Yet murders, thievery and rapes continue every day. So I wonder is saying men are raping because they were not taught not to rape in a way absolving them of culpability?
First off this is the Internet. this entire story could be a lie and people are on here arguing over fiction.
1. This all could be true; if so she might be mentally challenged.
2.This young lady’s story could be completely made up to support her anti-rape campaign. Rape can happen to anyone anywhere, she of all people should now this.
3. Or it can be both.
Just because a female says it doesn’t mean it HAPPENED. Females are no different then males we both have our crazies. But DO listen when someone comes out to you. You might be saving a life.
Lastly and MOST of all!!!! This is the internet. 90% of all that you read is untrue. Online media is a business now people fight for your clicks. people PAY for your clicks.
We’re arguing for no reason. Nothing you say to another comentor is actually going to change their view.
* And if you see something wrong it doesn’t mean that you forgive the other person. We all know rape is fucked up, but only an intelligent person can smell the other half of it if its fishy.
if this story is true the rapist will rot in their own filth, and i can still say this young lady needs to be more careful. Just when you find out someone got stabbed walking home… but when you find out it was 3am.. you feel different? yea…
I HAVE TWO BOYS AND I SURE AS HECK WOULD TEACH MY SONS THAT NO MEANS NO. REGARDLESS OF HOW A WOMAN FLIRTS WITH YOU, HOW SHE IS DRESSED, OR IF SHE DECIDED TO TAKE A SHOWER WITH YOU NO MEANS NO. STOP MEANS STOP. IF A WOMAN ENGAGES IN ROMANTIC OR EROTIC ACTIVITIES WITH YOU AND THEN DECIDES SHE DOESN’T WANT TO CONTINUE, SHE CHANGES HER MIND FOR WHATEVER REASON, NO MEANS NO, STOP MEANS STOP AND THAT IS TO BE RESPECTED AND HONORED. MY SONS WILL LEARN THAT THEY MUST HAVE CONTROL OF THEIR URGES, AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS REGARDLESS OF ‘SIGNS’, NO MEANS NO AND YES MEANS YES. MOTHERS TEACH YOU SONS BETTER. ITS NOT JUST ON A WOMAN TO KNOW BETTER A MAN MUST ALSO KNOW BETTER. NO MEANS NO AND YES MEANS YES!
This!
Why the HELL did she SHOWER WITH THAT MAN ? To him that meant she was open to sexual activity even if she did say no! Bad decisions like that make it difficult to be taken seriously when reporting & trying to prosecute an attack even tho the guy was a scumbag & wouldn’t stop. My mom always told me from the time I was in elementary school, that men don’t think like we do & that they can take even a simple smile or hello as a sexual invitation and that some men are just plain predatory. She said it has always been that way which is why many cultures have chaperones for girls. She also said you have to be careful about the men you associate with & how you behave around them because you don’t know their background and /or how they were raised.. I grew up during the last years of segregation & back when I was real little the only black doc in town come on to my mom. She told my dad ,who threatened to kill him if he did it again. She told me about it when I was in elementary school & boys were “getting fresh”.I recall beating up a few boys in upper elementary & middle school for “touching” & groping. However, no matter what you do…you could even be a nun in full habit…..Some men just WILL NOT STOP THE HARASSMENT ! I recently had to tell an old gal pal that one of her brothers has started coming on to me & I’ve repeatedly told him to leave me alone. She has spoken to him about that …she wasn’t surprised when I told her…and told me to do whatever I had to do to make him stop. So now when I go visit I carry industrial strength MACE & A SELF DEFENSE TOOL. The damned fool is at least 70 , married TO A CHURCH DEACON & HAS GRANDKIDS, but he’s a perv & a lech. Let him start with me again…..!! I feel sorry for this girl & what happened to her but she made a bad decision. She didn’t deserve to be raped & the guy is a ( insert profane word) to do what he did. Oddly enough women who are assaulted once are more likely to be assaulted again. Read this article http://girlsglobe.org/2015/08/04/the-repetition-compulsion-why-rape-victims-are-more-likely-to-be-assaulted-again/ I suspect the trauma of the first attack led her to make this bad decision that led to another attack
Thank you for sharing her story. No matter what, a woman does not deserve to be raped. Nor should we blame a woman for being raped. You may be in an inappropriate circumstance, but that doesn’t warrant rape. I think the problem is sex and how it is overly hyped in today’s culture. It leads to men thinking they can just take advantage of a circumstance and have his way, without repercussions. Kudos to this young lady for speaking out and encouraging other women to share their experiences.
Thank you, BGLH, for not taking the common ground here and blaming the victim. We all need to do better and learn to have some sympathy for rape victims because NONE of us are above making a mistake that could change our lives forever. And no matter the circumstances, when someone forces themselves on another without the other party’s consent, the perpetrator is solely to blame, never the victim. Consenting to showering with the rapist does not mean she consented to being violated sexually!!!
I truly feel for this woman and commend her for being so open about what happened to her. It may be distasteful to some but I applaud her for sharing her story, as it could be helpful to others.
So you are “disgusted” by this and yet you devoted two paragraphs to verbally attacking this woman? It’s obvious by your words that in your view, the bigger crime here is getting raped than being a rapist. And we wonder why men rape when society is always so willing to give them a pass for it. SMH.
Yes, exploiting the damage caused by her own risk taking behaviors and turning it into a chance for likes on social media is disgusting. How can you end rape without taping into how one’s own risk behaviors can influence outcomes? This is a perfect example of that case. One cannot end rape without systematically dismantling the patriarchal social structure because rape and rape culture are products of that structure. That is true feminist work. Educating women to act like sitting ducks, normalizing rape as a part of the female experience, cementing the female identity with the role of victim is a huge obstacle towards ending patriarchy. So yes, I find her actions disgusting along with the guy who I described as a pervert, someone with a depraved sexual mind.
Just because she agreed to take a shower with him does not give him the right to rape her!!!
As a rape victim myself, there’s lots to say about this situation. I was raped twice in one year and it was my first experience to sex or sexual relations which had altered my thoughts on sex. The first time was brutal, the second time I have in because I didn’t want to be physically hurt again.
As a rape victim and survivor I normalized “rape” or unwanted sex meaning that the second offense when I gave in, that’s how I treated sex with men that I was dating. There was a point to where I could not tell the difference between the two which I may have put myself in compromising situations because I thought this is just how it is. It’s sad. This mentality stopped once I got professional help to sort out the issues and define what sex really means and what it is. I guarantee that this young lady hasn’t had that opportunity to go through the counseling and therapy that she needs. The reason why I say this is because after every sexual encounter that I had I would cry myself to sleep and blame myself and wonder if this man violated me. It wasn’t fair to myself for not knowing the difference, so I walked into therapy and got the treatment. I cannot say if she was raped or not, but I can say after being raped more than once there is an issue of confusion in regards to sex. So a victim can confuse the two, and can confuse stories – they start to blend together, you can’t tell one from the other. It’s sad but it’s true. That’s what happened to me.
when i read she was naked in the shower with the guy …im like wtf? Don’t get in the shark tank and be mad when you get bit. She was playing games with the man to begin with.
That’s the thing! I thought that too. I hate victim blaming, it’s wrong and people NEED to be educated…… but people also need to have responsibility, awareness and saftey for themselves. She said the guy was drunk and tried to hook up with her, moments before. So she got into the shower naked with him..? “I needed a hot shower to sweat out my sickness” is no excuse for a lack of common sense and saftey. Third wave feminism is teaching women to be stupid. It’s all about me me me me, and everyone needs to look out for me. Everyone except me needs to have responsibility for me! I dont have to keep myself safe because everyone NEEDS to do it for me. Teach everyone to keep ME safe.
Exactly. I agree he should have not raped her, obviously, but still. She should have just asked if she could take a shower later because she was sick. Hell, she could have used the fact that she was sick for him not to take a shower with her. With that being said, he should not have did what she did, but we need to address both mistakes. We can’t just preach for men not to rape and not tell women how to protect themselves from immoral men who don’t obey the law. That like saying, “Leave you car door unlocked with the key in it and if someone steals it, that’s on them.” I wish we lived in a world where drunk men who have been coming on to you all night, who you kissed didn’t turn out to be rapists, but we do and this story promotes irresponsibility on both parts.
Here is a situation that was much worse.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3392568/Woman-18-raped-group-five-men-Brooklyn-playground-one-pulled-gun-father-told-f-here.html
At some point we must accept responsibility for our actions. I am not condoning his actions but she has to own her mistakes. Before this occurrence, she had survived two assaults and she is current advocating against rape. Her innocence toward the predatory nature of a violator should be out the window. The warning signs were written all over the place. It is not about blaming her. It just that certain things are a bite unclear.
Um, no, you HAVE made it about blaming her and excusing him. In the seven sentences you posted about this story not once have you tried to shame the attacker for what he did but you sure took the time to criticize the victim. Ask yourself why that is. Does the man involved not need to bear responsibility for choosing to rape?
We all make foolish mistakes but that does not mean we deserve whatever consequences come from them and the fact that you are basically implying she is responsible for being raped is sad and shameful. If you have a sister/daughter/girlfriend/mother who was raped because they made a poor choice, ask yourself if you’d be spending just as much time blaming the victim.
This woman is impossibly stupid and it sucks that she was born into a world that doesn’t forgive stupidity.
I would never get into the shower with a drunk guy just because I want hot water. I mean really. It’s not normal to take shower with a man that you’re not sexually active with or don’t want to be sexually active with. Like seriously?
Both parties are terrible but for different reasons
Maybe the situation she put herself in wasn’t the best idea but clearly she told him no he disregarded that and continued and did some pretty disgusting violating acts and when it was clear she didn’t want to do them she passed out during it??? He wasn’t confused or thought that’s what she wanted it he didn’t care and continued to rape her. No matter if ur naked or what ur wearing every person has the right to stop what they are feeling uncomfortable or don’t want. I’ve thought about this woman over the past few days and wrestled of her post was a good idea or not if it was her fault and now I can’t believe I even questioned it. They’re so many women out there that blame their self in a situation like that thinking well I was naked I did kiss him maybe I led him on. It’s sad that we have to question ourselves for what a man continues to do when it’s clear it’s not what u want. We should never blame ourselves for another persons actions. This woman made herself vulnerable in one of the most vulnerable situations a women can go thru if not the most. she made me really think and I hope she made others open their eyes. Maybe this will make some people change their view on rape and what seems to be a grey area to some. Which I must admit a week ago if I heard about a woman getting a shower with a man then say she was raped I would have questioned her actions and probably more than his. Now I feel completely different makes me questions things I’ve blamed myself for, for many years. I’d like to thank this young woman for teaching me this important lesson she’s very brave.
This horrific story brings to mind the statement that rape is about power, not sex. It’s apparent that whether Amour consented to sex or not, this man’s intention was to brutalize her and cause great harm. Even if she was completely on board, the final outcome would have been the same, because he is a sick bastard. Rapists don’t WANT willing sex partners, they want someone they have to coerce or take advantage of in some way.
I’m was so surprised to read the comments about ‘why did she get in the shower’ … Are you serious? Can women stop for a moment, breathe, and then stop protecting men like they don’t know what they are doing! They know damn well, and know people like you will defend them. Shame!
I woman should be able to walk down the street naked if she pleases! I wish I had comforting words for this gorgeous courageous young woman, but she found her voice and stayed strong.
Can you imagine buying your first smartphone and using it everywhere you go. Then someone snatches it from you the second you let your guard down? I’m sure you would call that a crime and expect people to show you sympathy and empathy. Now imagine that smartphone is your body.
Rape is rape. Rape is a crime. Rapists are criminals. There is no in between or grey areas.
So you can’t admit that she made a BAD…TERRIBLE decision? Because if you do you’d be forgiving the rapist? No hun the human brain is capable of both.
IDK if she trying to use herself to help me cope, but this is not right. Rape is intense. rape is horrifying!
uh, and what of his BAD…TERRIBLE decision?
No, a better analogy is having a brand new phone and a stranger walked up to you and asked to borrow it and then he takes off running with it. No, he shouldn’t have stolen it, but you probably shouldn’t have let that sketchy looking drunk guy who has been telling you how much he wants a new phone use your phone. I hate victim blaming, but where’s the responsibility. This movement is going to get some poor, naive girls killed. smh We should probably end self defense training too.
And I already know someone is going to take my comment wring, so as a disclaimer, I DO NOT condone his actions. I think rape is discussing, but I’m scared it’s going to get worse if we preach these decisions are okay.
I’m going to just shut up on this one..I have a different view
Chile…
I think she is being a little to hard on the justice system considering the facts of the case. I can perfectly see why it would be hard to get a conviction after agreeing to get naked in a shower with the guy. I’m not saying the rape was her fault but she made a bad decision that put her in a vulnerable situation. Let’s face it most of us women have been young and naive at some point. Not everyone has older wiser people as guides. I’m not throwing stones I did something similar at 21 and was nearly raped. An ex called me distraught in the middle of the night because his mom was in the hospital. He begged me to come over he needed someone to talk to. I told him I was now seeing someone else and if I came there would be nothing romantic. He said he understood and to please come anyway. So I went. Then it was “just please lie here next to me and hold me because I feel so bad about my sick mom.” Ok. Next thing I know this man is all over me forcefully taking off my clothes while I am screaming stop. i managed to get away from him and ran out the room to the side door but it was locked. I could ‘t get out. Otherwise I would have been frantic running down the street butt naked. He came up behind me and I screamed. He apologized and gave me my clothes. I left. Never talked to him again. The only person I told was my bf and he said it was my fault. I don’t blame myself. Later I heard someone say “never get in bed with a man you don’t intend to have sex wifh.” I wish someone had told me that earlier.
You say you are not blaming the victim but that is what you are doing.
It is never the fault of the victim. It does not matter if it is a man doing it to a woman, a woman to a man, a woman to a woman, a man to a man. If someone ignores the “No!” of the person they are having sexual relations with and continues what they are doing, that is the point where it becomes sexual assault or rape. Full stop!
There is no point in time in which a person ever forsakes the right to their own body or to give their consent to what happens with it.
I am sorry for what has happened to you. Your boyfriend was in the wrong for blaming you. It was not your fault and it was not the fault of the victim in this case. It is never the fault of the victim! That is the embodiment of the just-world hypothesis in action.
“If she hadn’t worn that short skirt…”
“If she hadn’t drunk those cocktails…”
“If she hadn’t flirted with him…”
“If she hadn’t walked home alone at night…”
That is blaming the victim because it is easier for a person to believe that if I they just abide by “the rules” nothing bad can ever happen to themself. Thinking like that takes the responsibility of the rape away from the rapist and shifts it to the victim.
The blame is always with the person that decides to violate the consent of another person. They do not get a free pass for what they are doing and men do not get a free pass for assaulting women that get home or into bed with them. Men are not mindless animals unable to control their sexual urges. And all variations “of boys will be boys” and the like are just helping to create an atmosphere in which women will continue to blame themself for the violence that gets done to them. That is another reason a lot of women do not report rape, because they will be blamed for the crime that has happened to them.
The victim blaming in the comments here is more than worrisome. And I would urge anyone who does it to read up on victim blaming, what it does to the person it is directed at and to society on the whole.
I do not blame her. I did not say she was at fault. I said she made a bad decision that put her in a vulnerable situation. That is a fact. Just because someone is vulnerable does not compell the other person to take advantage of it. Just because I leave my car unlocked doesn’t justify you stealing my stuff but I do make myself more vulnerable to theft by not locking my car. That’s what I mean. I want us to teach our girls how they can at least TRY to avoid situations. What’s wrong with that? I did not say her bad decision merited or excused her being raped. How am I shaming or judging her when I admitted I also made a similar bad decision and almost had the same thing happen to me. I even admitted I went to a guy’s house in the middle of the night and laid down next to him. I do NOT blame myself for being attacked. I never have. However, I think maybe you are confusing what I said about justice system with me saying the guy deserves a pass. I said that she was coming down too hard on the justice system. I am not an attorney but I spend a lot of time observing criminal court. it would be really difficult to get a conviction under those circumstances. That is me being REAL and not being all I want to teach the world to sing in harmony and buy everybody a Coke. I apologize if it offends you but personal feelings are not evidence. Someone being guilty is not the same as being able to prove a person guilty. His word against her word, both voluntarily naked in the shower, no witnesses. At least in US law the requirement is beyond a reasonable doubt. I don’t honestly believe a jury would convict.
Except that we spend SO.MUCH.TIME. teaching girls and women how NOT to get raped and it does jack. Women still get raped even when they “do all the right things,” whatever that crap means. That should tell all of us that all the precautionary methods in the world won’t stop a rapist intent on raping.
Perhaps it didn’t occur to you that is why I capitalized the word TRY more than once because obviously no precautions for any type of crime are absolute. Look how much money is spent keeping hakers out and they still get in. Banks have safes and armed guards and still get robbed. Most any police officer will tell you overwhelming amount of criminals are opportunists. They prefer easy targets with low risk for getting caught. . I have had many officers tell me of people who walk through neighborhoods pulling at dozens of door handles until they find one that opens. They will rarely bust a window unless they see valuables in plain sight because of the risk someone will hear it, or alarm and they will get caught and get nothing. If I’m a kidnapper would I rather grab you walking alone down a dark street or in a crowded area in broad daylight. I don’t expect rape will ever go away completely but I don’t think that means you can’t again TRY to lessen your chances of being a victim. There are also child molestors out there. Would you let your son or daughter spend the night at a friend’s house whose parents you’ve never met? Heck, I wouldn’t let them go over there at all. Your logic is like well don’t teach your kid to look both ways before they cross the street because there are still pedestrians in the world who get hit.
It seems you took the most superficial reading of my comment
and ran with it. Nowhere in my comment did I say that we shouldn’t teach our daughters precautionary measures. That is foolish. My point is that people keep bringing that up when these things happen, as if what they are suggesting is novel, groundbreaking or a viable solution to the problem of rape. As if women haven’t been told this from time immemorial. What woman alive doesn’t know all the “right” things she’s supposed to do to keep herself safe? What woman hasn’t been taught from an early age to watch herself because the world is big and bad and full of scary folks, mostly men, who will try to hurt/rape you? Ask the women in your social/familial circle and I’m sure they would all agree with me.
So given that all of those teachings haven’t stopped women from getting raped, how is the constant emphasis on teaching precautionary measures a viable and sustainable solution to preventing rape? Like I said, a woman can do “all the right things” and still get raped. As long as there are rapists out there intent on raping, all the preventative measures in the world are band-aid solutions at best. Therefore, it’s high time we start expending more energy on teaching boys/men how NOT to be rapists. Because that’s the other side of the rapist/victim coin that is always kept in the shadows while we busy ourselves shaming and blaming women for being violated.
In sum, yes, let’s teach women to be safe. But focusing on that alone and thinking it will protect us from being raped is not only delusional, it completely ignores the other side of this issue.
Yemi, Exactly!, Furthermore, how about teaching young boys to grow up and be responsible adults that respect women….all women. Instead of raising a bunch of out of control f…..k boys who feel they can say and do anything to women. We’ve created a culture that puts all the blame and responsibility on girls/women and none on boys/men. Young 13 and 14 year old girls end up getting pregnant by grown men. We look the other way. Instead of dealing with the scum buckets that impregnate this young children (because you are by definition a child at 13 and 14 even 16), society focuses on the girls. (See R.Kelly if you need an example) The usual admonishments are…she’s fast, she wears revealing clothes, she went up to his hotel room, she took a shower with him etc. You have men out there who rape babies as young as 6 months old. But we can’t blame the baby, so we blame the mother who left the baby with the psychopath. Again, overlooking the culprit who did the actual raping. Twisted logic and coddling especially if the perpetrator of the crime is a black male. We rather see sistas get raped before we put a “brotha” in jail. Don’t come for me because I’m telling the truth. Look at how some are “caping” for Cosby. A rapist is going to rape. Especially if he is out there in the world getting passes from society that wants to blame everyone else except the rapist.
Thank you. You’re one of the sole voices of reason in this comment thread.
Your boyfriend said it was your fault? I sure hope he wasn’t your boyfriend after that.
It would be great if all the men in the world decided that they shouldn’t rape women, but that may never happen. It wasn’t her fault, but there is NOTHING wrong with girls and women knowing that it is dangerous to be alone with men. It seems like the world wants us to all learn the hard way. Pointing out how powerful it is to CHOOSE who we let near us isn’t victim blaming.
Thank you!!!!!! There is nothing wrong with acknowledging saftey first.
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I am disgusted by this. I think both people are sick. The guy sounds like a pervert. The woman sounds like an attention-seeker. No seriously, why on EARTH are you naked in a shower with a man you have been kissing and flirting with for days and expecting nothing sexual to happen? The thing is, in real life people are always testing boundaries. If you yourself do not even clearly define where your sexual boundaries lie with men (whom you have been flirting back and forth with), AND you then don’t unabashedly say no, I just don’t understand why you will argue that society doesn’t understand rape. This situation which she may consider date rape is a lot different than like child rape or women who are tortured by complete strangers. At the end of the day, crossing sexual boundaries is against the law, but I think her boundaries were unclear in the first place (which is why she even admit to issues with her own behavior). This AMERICAN woman should understand cultural norms. You are in SOUTH AFRICA. Kissing and touching a man and being naked in a shower is already a sexual act. You don’t know him well enough to be engaging in that way anyway. You don’t know if he is a jerk or someone who respects boundaries in and out of sexual situations.
Don’t even get me started on how opportunistic it is to post it to social media for attention, likes, and followers. She posted to her followers before calling the cops or telling immediate neighbors?! But she wants the online, international, community to know? I don’t get this at all. This whole situation is just sick. This woman should seek counseling to deal with her emotional issues surrounding experiences of sexual violence. I do not believe followers on social media are a way to fix serious mental health issues or post traumatic stress disorder from childhood.
I was sick to my stomach. I could not hold still. Stay safe and stay calm.
What she’s doing is great. I’m glad she’s speaking out and telling the whole truth inspite of the criticism. I too felt she shoudn’t have put her self in that position; showering with him after she spurned his advances, but I also realize that rape is the fault of the perp and perp alone–not the victim.
Hopefully her own story might help other women make better choices due to the fact that being vulnerable can also put you in harms way, which in itself is a shame and speaks to the world we live in today.
No one can be trusted.
“Shakir followed me upstairs and said he was going to take a shower. He invited me to join. I said yes because the water at my current hostel is pretty cold and after 2 days of being sick, I just really wanted a hot shower.”
Consenting to taking a shower with someone is obviously NOT consenting to sex but considering her past experiences, shouldn’t she exercise extreme caution at all times? I don’t understand why she had to get in the shower with him vs waiting until he was done? Especially since she was seeing someone else? Either way, there is NEVER any justification for rape! The rapist always has a choice. They just choose to act like animals.
Also, what about SOME(adults) rape victims that know better but continuously choose not to use the extra caution? By putting themselves in high risk situations. No one deserves this and it can happen to ANYONE no matter how you are dressed, no matter who you are, how you carry yourself or how cautious you think you are etc etc. So with that said, knowing how animalistic some men are, we cannot impose our standards on them and expect them to live by them because unfortunately they’re going to be what they are regardless. So considering the fact that we cannot control the actions of others and knowing how unpredictable life and circumstances can be, if and when you do have the power to control and or prevent some situations from happening then why not?
In the end, the awareness that she is sharing throughout the world is a great thing and I wish her the best in all that she does.
I HATE when people slut/victim shame. it’s sooo annoying how they keep giving men excuses to act like dogs. Honestly calling men like this dogs is an insult to dogs. She never agreed or consented to having sex with him . He FORCED himself on her. THAT IS RAPE. The most painful part is when other women blame victims of rape. It really kills me. She has the right to do whatever she wants with her body. She consented to a shower and that is it. He had no right to force her to do anything she did not want to. He should have respected what she said . If he knew he couldn’t handle himself why did he agree to have a shower with her in the first place? he should have gone home to sleep.
“She has the right to do whatever she wants with her body.” See, this is that sickeningly dangerous new way of thinking, imposed by third wave feminist. Have no regard for saftey and responsibility, just claim sexual freedom instead. Yes, she DOES INDEED have the right to do whatever with her body, no one is questioning that. Did you read the article? HE did not agree to the shower. HE was the one who asked, and SHE was the one who agreed. Lets not act like we are naive children, born yestarday. Stop jeopardizing yourself and your own saftey in the name of feminism and sexual freedom. I swear, I think third wave feminism was created by perverted men to get women to stop thinking rationally.
Ugh I agree so much. This wave of feminism is so sex-centric (and of course western- centric) that you’d think a man started it himself. In some parts of the world, women can’t even go to school safely. Yet western feminists are arguing sexual nuances that are irrelevant to most women in the world.
These same feminists need to better understand that every performance and expression has an audience that will interpret it. You may think you are sexually liberated by being “platonically” naked in a wet, erotic situation with a horny, drunk man who you freely flirt with, but this performance is not always interpretted as you see it. Same with women who insist that being more naked is a sign of sexual liberty ( ” I’ll be more naked and wear what i want because men have told me to be clothed”). Well now that newly naked, and free performance is still being interpretted as a sexual gesture. What now?
I’m going to try to be sensitive to this….I’ve never dealt with rape before, and I do agree that the guy was 100% wrong because she asked him to stop…however…if you are in a shower naked with a man you have kissed ….drunk or not..it can be seen as an invitation….why else would 2 adults of the opposite sex be in a shower together unless both of them are homosexual and have absolutely no attraction to the opposite sex, and are just friends????…..and I also question how apparently there were so many people in the house and she screamed stop and no one was concerned?… I know people like to mind their business..but really…and why would the guy decide to rape the girl with others in earshot?…..I think if it was premeditated he would’ve wanted to be alone with her….I can infer that everyone in that house knew that these two were attracted to each other, and knew sex was about to go down…I mean seriously if she was that desperate for a shower and didn’t want to have sex , then why not wait until he finished in the shower…then take a shower alone?…she didn’t have to accept his invitation…if a guy is attracted to you and you are naked in the shower with him he is programmed to become aroused, and he will seek to fulfill his desires….you being in his vicinity with your sexual organs out is indirectly saying come and get it….. but still yes, if you say no repeatedly he is supposed to stop…smh. I feel this was very avoidable.
Your comment is sad, but what’s even sadder is that people are supporting it.
I wonder, what kind of rape would it take for you to absolve the victim of any blame?
Rape is apparently the only crime where the victim should NEVER be asked to take precautions to protect themselves for their own safety, according to some “feminist” activists.
-It is appropriate to tell the pedestrian not to walk alone at night for safety.
-It is appropriate to tell the home owner to lock their front door.
-It is appropriate to tell the online user to have a strong password to avoid being hacked.
-It is appropriate to tell the foodie not to eat at restaurants with history of food poisoning.
-It is appropriate to tell the driver to have EXTRA insurance for the (illegally) uninsured driver.
HOWEVER (to “omg don’t dare blame the victim” feminists) NEVER EVER TELL A WOMAN COMMON SENSE LIKE DON’T BE NAKED IN A SHOWER WITH A MAN YOU DON’T WANT SEXUAL CONTACT WITH.
-Don’t tell her to not drink her self blacked out because she will call it slut shaming.
-Don’t tell her to not go home with people she doesn’t know because that is slut shaming
-Don’t tell her to not have unprotected sex because that is slut shaming.
Your goal apparently is to allow women to live as recklessly as possible without getting in harm. That is not reality. The TRUTH is that women can EMPOWER themselves to avoid date rape. It is infantilizing to women to say that we cannot be equip with knowledge that can make us more aware of our surroundings and stronger to defend ourselves.
Some of you say ” women should be able to walk around butt naked and not be raped”. Wow, how privileged view of the world you have. I should also be able to have my bank account and routing number in the world news and not be hacked and my bank account emptied, but that is not reality. I am not so privileged where I think I am above being a target for violence. Instead of enjoying being a victim, I can empower myself. Many of you should do the same.
Spot on Rose. Knowledge is power. Feminism is about empowering women as equals. So let’s be smart and take equal amounts of personal responsibility.
Yes a million times over. People can avoid neighborhoods and put alarms on their cars and houses, pay for credit monitoring as means to try to prevent being crime victims and nothing is said. Yes I should be able to walk down the street naked and not be raped just like I should be able to go on vacation and leave my front door wide open without being burglarized. Yet who does that? I suggest we older women help teach young women how to make better decisions to at least TRY to avoid being in vulnerable situations.
I think you misunderstand what people mean when they say women should be able to do whatever without being raped. The point is that no one deserves to get raped, even when they engage in behavior that makes them more vulnerable. The point is that we spend far too much energy on judging rape victims for “putting themselves in dangerous situations” and not nearly enough time excoriating rapists for their behavior. The point is that all the precautions in the world won’t stop a rapist from raping and instead of focusing on telling women how to protect themselves, we should extend our efforts to teaching men how NOT to rape.
Yes, people make stupid decisions but does that mean rape is just or that they are deserving of their fate? And when the crime has already been done, what is the point of bringing up stuff like that except to further shame the victim and insinuate she/he is to blame for being raped?
Very well said!!!!
I’m going to save this comment. This is truth right here!
You are entitled to your opinion, as am I. However I don’t believe in stupidity….straight up. As I said he was 100% wrong.When someone is raped it usually involves sex….if you are naked it makes it much easier for the rapist to get to you. This is just common sense. You’re asking me that question…but would you have gotten into the shower with him knowing that you didn’t want sex?…I don’t care how desperate your water situation is….ok then boil your cold water and bathe…Again this is common sense and I’m tired of people trying to sugar coat it. I never said the rape was her fault…I believe she is a victim. However, I do think it was a avoidable. This is like someone going into a bad neighborhood, then complaining that they got robbed….and no I know no one expects to be raped…and apparently she didn’t know he was that type of guy…but even so your human intuition guides you in decision making. Your human intuition tells you what to do to best protect yourself. Cold water or not, putting myself in her shoes, I wouldn’t have showered with him. The ONLY way I would’ve consented would be because I wanted sex with him…or sexual things. I’ve been invited to places with guys…or to their apartment…my better judgment told me not to go. On one occasion I was invited by someone I didn’t know well. I knew he was strongly attracted to me, but I wasn’t attracted to him. He lived in a far out secluded area. My common sense said don’t go because I was uncomfortable. In my head I said….if something happens..I’ll be alone and basically defenseless. But maybe everyone doesn’t think that way….and my scenario was a far cry from being NAKED in a shower with a man. This is not the same as walking through the park and being attacked, or being in your house and someone breaking in and raping you. This situation is very clear….. hot water or not, if a guy invites me to shower with him…I think it’s sexual…and if I were to agree to it, in my mind I want him to go for it. If I don’t want any contact with that man, you can believe I won’t be in his vicinity….why?…because my common sense and better judgment tells me if he wants to touch me without my consent, he can, because he is physically stronger than me, and the chances of me fighting him off are slim to none..I don’t apologize for my statement.it’s my opinion. Rape is wrong all around the board, but this particular situation has some dents in it.
I agree, and yes I am an adult rape survivor. Which is why I’m so adamant about this. But there is such a thing as signaling, in both animal and human cultures. A guy can’t wink, blow kisses, hug, punch your butt, or do the things that give a girl’s heart flutters, only to say he’s not interested and that wasn’t flirting…he was just being a chum. Every woman would rip him apart for such misleading (and therefore immature) behavior. But the same must be true for women, and we can’t psychologically dismiss our own responsibility to the situations we find ourselves in. Let’s be honest with ourselves.
Rape is still rape and for that Shakir must firmly be held responsible. To take someone off gaurd and force yourself in them is dispicable and demented. And i hate him for this poor woman, just the very idea of it. However, she agreed to be naked and wet (in what is essentially an erotic situation) with a drunk man she once expressed interest in. That part of the story is a bit convoluted. My point is, it is a sexually arousing situation she should not have put herself in, no matter how she reasons and rationalizes it away. Was the idea to simply tantalize, taunt, sexually tease, or just make out in the shower, even though she was with a partner? Would the partner seriously believe her need to shower at that very moment of all moments was as innocent as just needing a hot shower? Did she really think they were both just going to scrub their own bodies, ignoring the other, dry off and go about their business like this was some normal everyday occurance?
Considering my previous experience, I vowed not to ever place myself in compromising situations. If i was on a date, i never drank more than a glass of alcohol and had my purse prepped (cash, card, flats, pepper spray, etc), and had learned self defense techniques (I didn’t want to ever feel that powerless again). Rapists will attempt to attack if they so choose, but I don’t have to virtually offer myself up to it. Your best protection are your wits.
I hope she gets her justice and that man pays for his crimes. Rape-culture is disgusting.
Just yesterday, I was thinking about the rape situation in my country. Violent gang rapes rarely get justice so we are a long way from even discussing date rape, and teaching men what consent is and isn’t. I remember getting so angry in my younger days when the youths at my church were called for a talk on how to avoid ‘dangerous situations’. I was 18 and sadly, I was the ONLY GIRL to point out how messed up it was that they called a bunch of young men and women to discuss rape, yet the focus was on how women shouldn’t put themselves in situations where they were raped. What irked me the most? What if they’re was a victim of rape among us, listening as the speaker pretty much blamed them for being attacked. Indeed, it’s a man’s world. God help us.
Mka I completely agree. Both men and women protect rapists like it’s okay. I just want to scream at them. I never thought there would be so many females victim shaming here. Sad.
True or not…..this is disturbing.
I know what it’s like, so I would never discount anyone’s story. I’ve struggled and still struggle with blaming myself. That’s why I never reported it. I didn’t want to relive it or go though the “you did this ton yourself” pbase i heAR so much about.
I pray justice is served for her and she finds peace through whatever circumstances may be.