When you first go natural, EVERYTHING is new, including ‘hot topics’ that strike a nerve and spark discussion that is sometimes productive, and sometimes not. Here’s a list of five things that naturals can and should stop talking/arguing/feuding about.
1. Whether Natural Hair is Professional
I think it’s been established that, except for some extreme/serious cases, a head of hair will not keep the average natural from advancing up the pay scale. From Ursula Burns to Naomi Davis to Tonya Mosley to Harvard Law school graduate Chris-Tia Donaldson, there have been numerous examples of black women doing big things while “rocking the natural”. By now most women have figured out that it’s all about which style you choose. Work in a conservative office? Then you probably shouldn’t be rocking a chunky twist out. Pull your hair into a bun or try one of the thousands (literally) of natural hair updo tutorials on YouTube. There are ideas for ALL lengths and textures!
2. Whether Naturals can Find a Man
BGLH’s Love is in the Hair category offers very strong evidence that HELL YES, we can! From tall to short, dark to light skinned, curly to kinky, we’ve seen all kinds of women find men who love them for who they are. Many naturals even attest that natural hair ASSISTS them in their journey to find love, because it tends to weed out shallow dudes who see textured hair as a problem.
3. Whether Kinky Haired Naturals Struggle More than Curly Haired Naturals
Now, I do believe that there are important conversations to be had about why certain aspects of black beauty are more readily embraced within and outside of black culture. The documentary Dark Girls shows that we have a very long way to go, and continued dialogue is important. But petty curly-girl bashing, the side-eyeing of women who acknowledge their bi-raciality and the unending ‘curly vs kinky oppression Olympics’ is simply counterproductive. At the end of the day we’re all women of color — that is challenging enough without adding manufactured drama. If it’s a thoughtful discussion on hair texture we’re having, I’m all for it. If it’s mindless whining, bashing and complaining, then no thank you. This amazing article written by Abii A. pretty much sums up how I feel.
4. How to Get Curls
Look… I have nothing against curl definition… but some of us need to realize that our hair is kinky and/or coily and no magical product or technique will change that. There are more than enough style icons on BGLH who have shown that kinky hair is beautiful and very versatile (Check out Khyla, Wendy, Adaku, Cipriana and Shereen). It’s time for some of us to put the jar of curl defining gel down and start learning how to manage our kinks.
5. Whether Black Men or White Men are More Supportive
There is no magical formula for “The Man Who Loves A Natural Haired Woman Unconditionally.” For some women that man happens to be black, for others he’s Asian, for some he’s white. Why fight about it? It’s no secret that the black community hasn’t done a stellar job of teaching young black men to see natural hair as beautiful, and there is certainly a thoughtful discussion to be had there. But on the other hand countless natural hair bloggers and vloggers (including the blogger behind this great site!) are married to supportive black men. Countless others are married to supportive non-black men. Instead of comparing and contrasting, let’s just celebrate love when we see it!
Now for your thoughts; Are you in agreement? What would you add to my list? What would you take away? Please share!
141 Responses
Yessss I went through the curl defining thing… Ughhh :/
I’m quite sick of everyone’s obsession with “curl defining”
I agree a little with many of the comments. I agree that some of these issues that we keep emphasising can engender fears and doubts, self-hatred and contempt for others, and encourage divisiveness among us (like hair typing and who can have nice curls, and who can’t, and so on). However, I also agree that people who are just joining the debate need space to re-hash (or maybe I should say hash out, perhaps for the first time) these concerns for themselves. I think the most important thing any of us can do, however, when we come onto these community forums to, hopefully, benefit from the opportunity to share in each others’ journeys is to be mindful of what we say. Consider other people’s feelings, struggles, fears, hang-ups, and do our best not to put each other down. I’m with Cygnet: let’s all just try to be and share our best selves. That’s really the only way we can move forward and forge our own healthy, free, joyous space in a world that, like it or not, stills looks down on us.
One thing I do hate, and I wish no one ever did, is making comparisons. In general, comparisons are dangerous, short-sighted, and unjust… always. It happens everywhere and in every situation, and seems to be an unfortunately ubiquitous aspect of human nature. My mother used to say to me when I was little: “Why can’t you be more demure, quiet, mannerly, sweet, like so-and-so’s daughter?” I HATED it. Luckily, I saw it for what it was, or this habit of my mum’s would have done more damage. Everybody does it, though. “That guy drives a nicer car, and makes more money. He can take care of me, so… Sorry.” People sometimes steal and kill and do other unethical, immoral or illegal things, because they want to have a house or car or bank account like John’s. They also often hate John for having what they don’t have. People always say to me that I can talk about going natural, because my hair is so soft and curly, and how they couldn’t do it, and I wouldn’t understand, anyway. But then they complain about their relaxer, and their hairdresser and how their hair won’t grow, and you’re so lucky to have hair like yours. But they’re not there when I have to sit down for hours detangling on a fairly regular basis if I don’t want to lose half of my fine, curly hair to tangles and breakage. They don’t know that, for me, fine strands and easily defined curls come with suuuuper shrinkage and serious knots, that I can’t twist, plait or braid my hair without having it fuzz out within two hours, and look after only 2 days like I’ve had the style in for a month. But, honestly, it’s just an excuse. They use me as an excuse to have a pity party. I’m sure I’ve done the same, myself. But it’s really not good. People look at my 15 month-old son who’s been sleeping through the night since about 6 mths-old, and say I’m so lucky, but they refuse to listen when I talk about sleep training, and they criticise my husband and me for not staying late at functions or parties with our son, because his bedtime is 6:30 pm. We all have our crosses to bear, and we all make our choices and sacrifices, and in the end, you have to know what is right for you, and just be content to be who you are, and be happy with the you you’ve chosen to be.
Hello, this is a great blog!
I would like to see the discussion of thin hair vs thick hair go to the wayside, mainly because I am sick of thin haired girls/women whining about their thin hair. Give it a rest already.
They are worse than those trying to get curls who can’t get curls.
I also think the heat vs no heat needs a rest as well, too. A natural who doesn’t use heat is no more pure than those that do. At this point in the game, there really are no rulese when it comes to being natural, except stop all the whining!
As tiresome as it can be sometimes for the same topics to keep coming up, I can understand how it happens. As mentioned by some, there are always more people who have recently decided to learn to wear their hair as it naturally is, and they are all complete, individual persons with their own realities, questions, challenges, perceptions, misperceptions, etc.; so usernames and avatars may change but the recurrence of these topics tells me that we are, in a lot of ways, similarly concerned about many of the same things. Just as we had to come to our own conclusion about all these matters and needed grace from those who had already reached their own conclusions, so I think it’s generous and mature and kind of us who have now reached our own conclusions to also be graceful to those who are still learning and processing things.
But the one thing I constantly see that truly makes me want to start e-slapping people is the usurpation by one person of another person’s right to self-identify and/or self-describe, just because the person reading/hearing the identity/description disagrees with the person ID’ing/describing herself that way. So Bay-bay says she is a multi-ethnic person because she is African-American and Native American on her mother’s side and French and Moroccan on her father’s side, but she is cinnamon-toned with Sharpie-sized curls in the back and Bic-sized ones in the front. Nae-Nae hears/reads this description and throws shade at Bay-Bay for not accepting that she is “still black”. Well, Nae-Nae has the right to think whatever she wants about Bay-Bay’s self ID/description, but she doesn’t have the right to rebuke, refute, deny, dispute, dismiss, put down, attempt to psychoanalyze as self hating/denying/etc., or in any other way disrespect Bay-Bay’s right to say for herself who/what she is. That is arrogant of Nae-Nae and insulting and disrespectful to Bay-Bay! The less Nae-Nae knows about Bay-Bay, the greater the arrogance and the greater the insult and disrespect.
Even though the ideas some of us have about who we think we are, or come up with to describe how we want to be seen in the eyes of the world, stretch the bounds of credibility to the snapping point, we get up in arms with anyone else who tells us we’re wrong. So when the script is flipped, from where do we think we get the right to deny someone else’s self-identity?! All the “Nae-Nae’s” in the house, stop it! Go sit down somewhere!
If we each work on being the best person we can be—whatever our genotype, phenotype, ethnicity or multi-ethnicity, culture, or anything else that defines the person—and give grace rather than throwing shade while others do likewise, then not only will we find that our growing ability to self-accept will override our disdain for other people’s self-identity, but we will also find that others will be more willing to respect who we are. Mutual respect and acceptance can be a beautiful thing sometimes!
wow has this happened to you?!
I live in Europe and am not used to the Nae Nae and Bay Bay situation but why when I read Bay Bay was I thinking of Beyonce, lmao.
Actually, I didn’t have Beyonce in mind at all. But as far as the identity thing, I have had something similar happen to me, but the way it happened to me had more to do with being called by another person’s name as a student. In that case, for as long as I was in line with the rules and expectations that I was suppose to meet, this particular adult always called me by this other girl’s name. But as soon as I committed some infraction, she suddenly remembered what my name was. According to what I’ve read in several places, many in the field of psychology and many who study social interaction and interpersonal interaction cite this behavior as a sign of disrespect toward the person being misnamed, and especially when an authority figure does it. I’m not talking about the mother who has several daughters and uses their names interchangeably to refer to them irrespective of the situation; that’s different.
But my rant in my previous post is more about what happens on here frequently when, for example, a person who is Latina by culture and appears black/African descended by phenotype refers to herself as Cuban/Dominican/Puerto Rican/etc. or just Latina without adding the Afro- part to it. Others will accuse her of not “accepting her blackness” and tell her that nothing else she says about who she is matters at all, she’s still black, as if she couldn’t see that when she checked her fro/twistout/updo/etc. in the mirror that day. Or there’s the person who chooses to pay recognition to all the ethnicities that are in her direct bloodline, not just the one that is the most dominant in her phenotype. Others will rebuke her for the black part of her not being “enough”, as though she’s supposed to go through her chromosomes and genes with an electron microscope, find all the ones that are non-black/African descended, and destroy them. There have been people who have attempted to use American history and play at psychoanalysis to shame each other into not acknowledging that they are multi-ethnic in those cases where someone says she is and refuses to stop at just saying she’s black, as though by being born multi-ethnic it is somehow her fault for being the living representation of things that happened three or more generations back, instead of acknowledging that she is what she is and allowing her to choose how and why she self-identifies/describes/represents herself a certain way. If she’s the one always going to the family reunions wherein half her cousins could answer to Mary Ellen or Marielena while the other half could answer to Markitta, and Just-be-black naysayers aren’t there, then they’re the last person she needs telling her who she is. People just need to stop that mess!
I was about to comment but CYGNET sums up my views very nicely. I think naturals should talk about whatever they need to vent about without fear of their views, questions or concerns being seen as irrelevant. The fact that certain discussions and questions seem to continue doesn’t mean that the same naturals are discussing them, it just means that new naturals are coming up and sorting their way through the same natural hair journey that more mature naturals have gone through and we should not discourage them by making them feel that their concerns are shallow or trivial, whether or not we at one point shared those concerns ourselves.
I can see how these various topics can be annoying. I personally still like to witness the back and fourth jibber jabber on all of the topics mentioned. It’s quite entertaining.
*grabs popcorn and a soda pop*
jibber jabber? lol! #stolen
The entire definition of being natural. Some people take it too seriously and too far. Stating a million and one things you cant do, when really you only need to do what works for you. If silicones, mineral oil, and petroleum do well in your hair and you steadily see healthy growth then keep doing what you do! 🙂 No 2 people are alike by far. Natural is a state in which you choose to wear your hair to me.
Hair typing. What does it really do? In my opinion nothing. If a product recognizes that kinkier hair needs more of it product than curlier hair then you can look at your hair and tell which end you fall on without whipping out the curl guide.
How a natural should wear her hair. With dramatic air quotes around it all. We all may know a girl who has a beautiful head of natural hair and cover it up in weave all the time, or keep it straightened. And by golly she’ll find other napturals up her butt telling her shes not natural.
How “unacceptable” natural hair can be and the huge stir it creates. You went natural for a reason and if it wasnt for yourself then you did it for the wrong reason honestly.
Stop whininh about curl definition. You wanted to go natural, so dont whine about what was naturally given to you. There’s a healthy dose of envy, but dont go hating your own hair, because it doesnt look like someone elses. Really… too much complaining (because we all have our days). Theres always someone who just absolutely hates their hair and you get tired of hearing that and you just want to hand them a relaxer kit, and tell em to see how they like that.
In my opinion we all need to just do what works for us and ignore the negativity that comes from anyone. Rocking our fabulous natural hair has created a various positve places (curly meet ups, cnaturallycurly.com, curlynikki.com, etc). So lets keep it positive by not putting each other down, not and further grouping ourselves by who does what how and their hair for more discrimination, and unneccessary drama.
On a sn… I apologize for any typos! Did this via mobile… and Im too lazy to go back. Or rant anymore XD
Some of these comments have touched on topics that I wish would go away. The idea of “newbie vs. veteran”. I am glad that there are people out there willing to share knowledge but I don’t like it when a woman will literally force her information on you. And if you don’t take every piece of advice to heart, then you are somehow not as natural as “real naturals”. I also get tired of the difference in how “natural” is defined. I think being natural means that you don’t chemically alter the texture of your hair. If you flatiron your hair, it is still natural to me because that isn’t a permanent change. But, I know that others don’t agree. The different definitions are divisive.
People “hating on” or “dissing” natural hair.
Quite frankly, I’m tired of the people who get ridiculously disgusted from other folks who mistakenly think their Afro-centric just cause they have a fro. That topic (and the many Youtube video’s made about it) is so tired. I mean Jesus, just tell them your not and keep it moving. It’s not that serious that their needs to be constant discussion about it.
LOL
1) always do/never do advice and regimes. Highly limiting and not always right for ones head…everything in moderation at least.
2) natural hair seems to have prevent me from “fill in the blank” – probably not, consider other culprits
3) relaxed and/or weaves up = self – hatred – ive had a room mate tht refused to ever be sedn weaveless but pls, not always. I’d put anything connected to self – hatred I.e. Light VS dark, curly VS kinky under here.
4) Bashing natural or black owned companies over price. Everyone has to make a living…I don’t see ppl doing this to the MoRroccan oil co.
+1 to #4. Those same folks who do that won’t say a word and purchase from those high priced products in places like Sephora. And I guarantee half of those companies use the dreaded “bases” ingredients that people like to throw shade at with some natural hair companies, and their prices are steeper too.
Number 4!!!
Lol! So true. They won’t put it on their hair but will rub it on their face
Are you trying to put BGLH out of business? What else will get 100+ comment? LOL
wow. hmmm lemme think.
1. Natural hair has helped/hindered me and my man-grabbing mojo
WHO CARES??? Seriously, who? And whoever you are…STOP CARING! ugh. Take that to match.com. Also, if we are gonna continue with the dating stuff, let’s include women who date women.
2. Long hair, don’t care (but secretly obsess over)
Mary Joe has 12 inches of hair=idol status, and it seems like people will copy her regimen to the T to get that glorious crown. Mary Joe could be eating fried rat anuses with mint jelly and some would still copy that mess down. If your hair is healthy, it will grow. Don’t worry too much about it honey.
3. Natural hair = hateration
So now you’ve got a fro and Linda in apartment B is a hater, as well as the postman, cashier at Whole Foods, and Mr. Frosty. I mean, trust, there are haters, but sometimes I really wonder how much hate is real, versus perceived.
4. Black man vs White man
Natural hair should not be the reason behind interracial dating. People should be the reason behind interracial dating.
Haha! I like yours n have definitely noticed that nonsense lol
#3 YES! I’m starting to think that a lot of women are either paranoid or extremely narcissistic to think that every person they encounter is worried about their hair. Don’t they know, most people don’t care? Get. Over.Yourself.
#4 always makes me cringe when it comes up. Just ugh.
Loving your list, it’s too funny!!!!
Millions of claps!!!
Don’t repeat the rat anus thing too much. You know someone will do it!
right? I’d better warn Master Splinter…
OMG, literally LOL’d. Great list emma!
“Mary Joe could be eating fried rat anuses with mint jelly . . . .”
I’m cracking up and cringing simultaneously over here :-)! I could have gone the rest of my life without running across that particular menu reference. Oh well, just don’t let lil Miss MJ open a restaurant with that guy from Silence of the Lambs, with his dish of whatever body part it was along with “fava beans and a nice chianti (slurp, slurp, slurp).” Uggghhhhh, hahahahahahaha :-)!
AMEN to #1 “let’s include women who date women.” So many sites, so many. I’ve seen “men this, men that” okay, what if some women don’t date men?! Annoys me!
lawd ha mercy yesssss! And boy the stories I could tell about other women’s hair preferences…hmph! There are so many things that could be revealed and discussed by your friendly neighborhood lesbians/bisexuals!
Now I am curious….
Fried rat anus? funniest thing I’ve read on this site so far! lmao (literally)
How about the list of fifteen rules for naturals on every website that tell you, “Use shampoo. Don’t use shampoo. Always wear protective styles. Don’t wear protective styles because they pull on your edges. Wash your hair with goat placenta. Cut your hair on the night of the new moon.”
Is the last one real? Cut your hair the night of the new moon. WHHHAAATTTT. google to the rescue…
“Cut your hair on the night of the new moon.” Yes, this is a real rule, but it’s usually handed down to us from our grandmothers and great-grandmothers. Or, as my own grandmother (RIP) and mama say it, “Make sure you cut your hair on the growing of the moon.” By the “growing” of the moon, they mean the same thing as on the new moon.
When the moon is new, it’s going to get more visible in the sky until it it completely full. The rationale behind cutting on the new or growing moon is that as the moon grows, so will your hair grow longer.
I wish I remembered where I saw the web site that actually gives a full calendar based on the entire lunar cycle, not just the growing of the moon, and tells during which lunar phase you should cut your hair to get various effects. I seem to remember, though, that cutting on the full moon, according to this calendar, would cause your hair to grow in more densely.
goat placenta? the moon? I’m in tears…omg! it seems we have the same sense of humor as i posted somethign similar
Yeah goat placenta made me die LOL
YES ANGELA! Let’s junk ‘the rules’ period. Many an inch has been lost over listening to someone whose hair you’ve never seen that tells you to comb your hair while soaking wet with conditioner or never wear protective styles and you’re hair will be fine. All the while, this advice giver will have a billion strands of easily detangled, Hercules strength hair compared to your own which is finer than laser tripwire and forms bundles of tangles the moment it meets conditioner in its loosened state.
RULES can burn!
yes these are over-discussed issues but people have concerns and I don’t think there is anything wrong with venting, complaining sometimes, or being concerned about how natural hair is going to affect your life.
I didn’t even really realize how much having natural hair can affect your life (I have been natural almost a decade) until I moved in a small random midwest town about 7 months ago (before I lived in DC & NYC). I am def could relate to the work place one (still rocking my two-strand twist like what?! though)
Now with all that said…I 100% agree that we need to move on from the 5 topics mentioned…especially hair typing and can you get a man with natural hair. Ahhh I curse Andre whatever who created the hair typing thing!!
Nice post 🙂
I wholeheartedly agree with d’s on her comment. Some of the commentors her are so quick to congratulate White people for loving their natural hair while simultaneously criticizing other Black for not embracing them. They blame Black for perpetuating their own oppression with comments about our racial hypersensitivity and. I swear some of these “natural sista-gurls” are really white Republicans in disguise.
I’ve said this before, and I will say it again. Our ideas of what is acceptable, normal, and attractive do not develop in a vaccuum. We live in a society where a Black women are by-and-large considered to be unattractive, a vestige from our bygone imperialist/slavery era. Our society worships pale skin, blond hair and light eyes. The farther away that your aesthetic strays from this ideal, the more undesirable you are considered to be. NO ONE is immune to this kind of social conditioning, up to and including the White men and women who “luuurve” your natural hair and the Black men and women who give you the side-eye when you rock a mini-fro.
I’m actually tired of this one. Why must we keep saying society sees black and/or natural women as unattractive when we are all taking notice of increased representation in media. While we are not as often seen or even have equal opportunities in this realm I highly disagree with what you have said. And thinking that way can’t be healthy even of you do rock a mini-fro. Also recently in media there’s been research to support that actually people who are in between the pale, blue eyed blonde hair and very dark skin coily ends spectrum or what might people might called racially ambiguous is what is becoming the beauty “standard” as the world becomes more globalized. (I’m “dark brown”)
I don’t mean to be harsh but we first must stop feeding in to this and accenuate what is beautiful and valuable about us.
I agree. Repeating over and over again that black women are not considered attractive is self-defeating and just reinforcing the idea. Stop feeding into it!
1) Based on that one study, you can definitively state a medium between blond/blue eyes/pale and dark/dark eyes/dark hair is the standard. If so, why isn’t this mythical standard more widely represented?
2) “We are not as often seen or even have equal opportunities in this realm” I couldn’t have said it better myself. Though we have made great strides in representation of black women, it is no where near as multi-faceted as that of our white counterparts. This truism will not cease to just because you wish it to.
3) I know that we are beautiful. You do not need to tell me that we are. However, we need to acknowledge that the road to loving ourselves in a society that considers us to be unlovable is a long and arduous journey. It may have been easy for you, but rest assured that is was not easy for others
4) The reason why I even agreed with D in the first place was because i noticed that some naturals in here love to use the fact that nonblack (White) people love their hair to disparage blacks for wholeheartedly accepting their new and improved look, as the approval of white people is somehow necessary to maintain a level of confidence and acceptance in their look. Did you go natural so other people can congratulate you? Why does it matter what mean so much to you that some random white person likes your hair?
5) As someone who has been natural for almost three years, I learned to take white peoples’ compliments with a grain of salt. I am not implying that NONE of them truly like my hair, but I have found that a lot of their compliments are whitespeak for “your looks sooo much different than what I raised/taught to find attractive…and I love that. Its SO quirky/exotic/interesting.” As harmless as these statements seem, they exoticize and other appearances that do not fit the norm. Its the same thing as complimenting a East Asian person on their porcelain skin.
6) I am not even going to get into the issue of appropriation of historically African haistyles (dreads, braids, afros) by Whites or the use of historically Black hairstyles by white college students in race-themes fraternity parties, gathering that celebrate racial stereotypes that have oppressed Black for about a century. You can do that research yourself, if you are so inclined.
Preach!
Ironic that she said we need to get over this who does or does not like our hair and just carry on and keep calm yet in these comments people are bringing up and arguing about this topic.
I admit that there are some that forcefully go on about how much non blacks love their natural hair BUT not on BGLH, usually it’s Youtube comments.
I agree with the article writer though. I do not think society’s xyz really affects whether you will meet a partner you desire or not. Half of attraction is about eye contact, the other half is about self confidence and style will get many people further than no style at all. No one wants to date a woman or man who is constantly complaining, miserable and lacking in self esteem and belief, too draining. If you’re open to meeting members of the opposite sex and maintain eye contact and a cheery disposition, not many people can resist that. I do not think natural hair has anything to do with dating potential unless you are into the minority known as dicks.
+1
I only have one issue that drives me bat**** crazy: the eponymous “white men love me now that i’m natural and hot and sexy and exotic.” get. over. yourself.
+1
Oh i agree , it is always an indication of some peoples personal hang ups
+3
I agree with this statement…to an extent. I have always dated all races regardless of how I wore my hair. Since wearing my natural hair, I have noticed less attention from Black men. That, to me, is nothing to brag about. Of course, everyone has their preference and I am just not as attractive to them without my Beyonce weave 🙂 And I have only heard negative comments about my hair from Black men and women while during the same evening getting compliments from my Latin friends. I just don’t think other races understand that wearing your natural hair is really that big of a deal.
Yeah, those white men loved you before…maybe you are just now noticing them. Haha! And why is dating a White man something to brag about? Not against it at all, I do it but seriously ladies…everyone has their own issues. No one is perfect!
GIRL! i couldn’t agree more! i HATE it when i hear people say that ish…wtf cares if white men love you now! like you said, they need to get over themselves…i’ve come across plenty of black men who don’t care if your hair is natural or not and i’m in Chicago.
much respect to the part about putting down the jar of curl definer and working with what you got
I definitely agree with the whole curl definition and hair typing topics. A few short months ago I came to the realization that it’s not a matter of whether or not I can define my curls, this is just my hair texture. I’m not going to compromise moisture for curl definition. Never again.
In the beginning (like most naturals) I was obsessed with hair typing. Now I just accept the fact that my hair is thick and beautiful. Sometimes I think hair typing can be detrimental to one’s hair journey. There was a point in my journey where I considered putting a texurizer in my hair just to loosen my curl pattern (to obtain type 3 curls, if you will). I’m so glad I didn’t because there are aspects of my thick hair that I’ve learned to love!
All of these hackneyed topics listed are great. Oh and what VivaMac says about the term(s) “good hair” too. To me “good hair” is healthy/moisturized hair – regardless of its texture.
I really don’t have a problem with most of the topics on the list. When I see those,I usually think this person is just at a stage where they are charting new territory and are probably feeling a little anxious and insecure, by asking some of these questions they are hoping to get some reassurance, and that’s ok.
What I really dont like are the articles that are divisive, or seem infer I have that “good hair.” eg. I was in the BSS minding my own biz and this lady asked if I was mixed,or some random peron whom I have never spoken to hates me because my hair looks good. on and on….
Great list! I would also like to add that we should stop justifying our decisions to wear natural hair to non-naturals. To me it isn’t a decision, it is how I was born and I embrace it just like my eye color.
Thank youfor sharing! Keep up the great work.
I’ve seen it sprinkled in the comments, but I want to repeat it again:
Can we please give up the, “Are you still natural if you press your hair?” topic? I groan every time I see the topic on natural hair sites.
@Tara, I hear you, but in my case I can relate just a ‘lil bit. I have never had chemically relaxed hair in my life, but instead relied exclusively on heat styling (pressing, flat ironing, blow-outs and curling irons) for two decades. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I jumped on the “natural bandwagon”. I guess to some I was natural all along, but I feel I never embraced my natural hair texture and never learned how to properly care for it in its natural state. So I agree that being natural does not mean you don’t press your hair, but I think it means a little bit more than you don’t relax your hair. Being natural to me means you accept and embrace your hair in its natural state and you learn to nurture it and enhance its natural beauty, (even if that means a little hot comb here and there).
Hello Ladies,
OP here. I’ve been loving reading through the comments here and on Facebook! They have definitely made me challenge my own thinking and perception on some things.
All in all I’m glad to hear that so many women are ready to move on from discussions that are controversial aka ‘drama starting’. Natural hair websites/virtual communities don’t have to be landmines for hot button issues. If we let them, they can be calm virtual spaces where we support and engage each other intelligently.
Keisha S.
thanks for this article 🙂
I have been natural/transitioning for a year now and I agree with most of your points. I was always embarrassed we were having some of these discussions (finding love, which men love natural hair) to begin with. They just reek of an inferiority complex. None of these topics have ever and will ever interest me. I do love the drama in the comments section, but think nothing of the topics themselves. It is pretty evident there is nothing inherently unprofessional about natural hair and seemed obvious to me that you either have curls to define or you can create them with twist/braid outs if you wanted to rock the look. It really shouldn’t be that deep.
I will say, the way you worded your point about curls vs kinks fight seems to place the blame on the women with kinks. I think that is counterproductive. It is symptomatic of the ills you mentioned in the black community about who gets blamed and who gets forgiven.
Overall, nice post. I just think it is important you recognize a bias that came through in your writing.
Why wouldn’t a bias come through in her writing? It is HER post. I don’t think she mentioned she has a journalism degree that requires her to be unbiased in her views. “Condescending much?” (sounds familiar doesn’t it?)
I guess condescending can recognize condescending…..
My Biggest pet peeve of all is the “OH I’VE BEEN NATURAL FOR XX AMOUNT OF YEARS AND ALL OF YOU OTHERS ARE JUST BANDWAGON HOPPERS” people. Who really cares…?? Heck, I was natural in 1978 when I popped out of my mama’s toot so now what??!?? I mean really…be glad that women have taken this LEAP to actually chop off..in some cases…all their hair, wear it nappy and refuse to put damaging perm in their hair..many times just doing it to conform to societal norms. That takes guts!! Get over yourself and be supportive to these sisters!
+1000000000
LMBO! Love it…complete agreement…+1000000001
^5 Ms.K LoL!
+ 1
+1
#cosign.
YES! We should be GLAD when women decide to go natural and want to help them! No matter if you have a relaxer or you are natural, everyone has to admit that doing the BC takes a lot of courage and I applaud any woman willing to take the plunge.
there are a lot of bandwagoners…i’m just saying (some of these same women use to look at me crazy and/org talk about my natural hair when i stopped relaxing my hair my freshman year of college, but i do love the fact that so many women are going natural….but when i’m talking of the bandwagoners it’s the one’s who just seem to do it cuz it’s the cool thing to do. and yes i’ve been natural foe a long time over 11 years. but i always just give good advice to them when they ask me…tell them not to get caught up in “defining their curls” or becoming a product junky or not to get into the whole hair typing thing or what people think of their hair (cuz folks will try to discourage you). one girl i know is on her 2nd time going natural and she’s debating relaxing again…there’s nothing wrong with it, but she is so obsessed with achieving a certain look ad she doesn’t like her course/spongy nappy hair (our texture is about the same), that she’ll probably relax again. i tried telling her that you just have to be ok with how God made your hair (which is what i tell most people who ask me about going natural. there’s nothing wrong with relaxers but it’s just that people like that make me feel like they’re bandwagoners. however i am glad that she has worn her hair for about 2 or 3 years natural just to appreciate it and to know that it’s not ugly (i feel like every black woman should wearing their hair out and natural for at least 2 or 3 years to appreciate it (no weaves or braids or loca, just a from, twist, and twist outs), if they go back to a relaxer then fine.
i also tell them about certain websites and message boards but tell them to use at their own risk (a particular one i never got into is probably for the same reasons i hear a lot of women not using that site, and them telling m what i should use in my hair when i was doing whatever before that site came out). ok i went off on a tangent here so i’ll shut up lol plus it’s 3:30am…
Ok, so here is my two cents.
1. Professionalism…yes i’m tired of this one. Wearing our hair “without perm”, exactly the way it grows from our head should not be considered unprofessional. Unless, like you said, in extreme styling cases.
2. Man…if a man is not interested in me like this, with non-permed hair, he doesn’t deserve me. I’ve grown to be so much stronger, more confident since being natural.
3. Kinky vs Curly…this one kinda iggs me. I’m a very kinky girl *in my rick james voice* lol, and even before going natural it just seems that the curlier the hair pattern the more ok it may seen to “some” in society. I feel it is takes a little more guts for a very kinky?coily girl to wear her natural hair.
4. Curl Pattern…this one iggs me too. I think we should accept what we have. However, I may want curls one day, one day it may be krinkles, the next a spongey afro puff or straight. It’s nothing wrong with want to wear your hair, in its non permed state, in different styles.
+1 / Like
My biggest topic annoyance is the whole hair typing thing; “I’m a 4B mixed with a 2A and a dash of 3C” Really? I still don’t know what all those numbers mean and I’ve been natural for 5 years. Other than that, I I’ve never gotten caught up with many of the issues on the list because when I decided to go natural what my employer, men or friends would think didn’t even come into the equation. I just did it because that’s what I wanted to do. I realize these debates do exist, as I have read about them on many a blog site; they’ve all been interesting, and quite frankly, entertaining to me, but not really a part of my natural journey.
+1
+2
It is amusing though.
Yeah the whole hair typing this is kinda amusing to me…I feel people put more stock into it than it’s worth.
As long as there are new naturals, these things will pop up over & over because as we all know, there are many women who are still perpetuating the belief that relaxed hair is the end all be all, so for the few who leave that belief system & enter into ours (the naturals’) they won’t step in where we are, they will enter in at their own level….which may be at the bottom of the totem pole. These new naturals might have layers of miseducation to shed, and it would be nice if we delicately educated them, rather than shunned them for having the audacity to have questions about topics we “veterans” have already covered.
On the other hand, veteran naturals should get to the point where we tire of butting heads with other naturals and learn to just take care of & enjoy her own hair, rather than participate in debates where neither side will win. Can’t we all just get along?
YES!
Condescending much?
I kinda agree with Emme…it sounded slightly condescending…like an Us vs. Them kinda thing. I personally love that so many women are becoming natural, but I hate how being natural has almost become like a special club or something and if you don’t do everything just right you’re looked down upon. hmmm
Exactly! And I didn’t find anything about this condescending at all.
You wouldn’t since you feel the same condescending way.
I agree with frizzygurl84 amd I do not find her comment condescending in any sense.
I think people have a tendency to roll their eyes when someone asks what is a bc, what is co-wash…..etc. We forget that a while back, we too did not know what a bc or co-wash was.
She is right, there is no question that should be out of bounds even if it has been answered 10 times before.
you’re butt hurt. get over it and move on.
so true! its tired conversation for some but interesting to new naturals
So love this post! On one hand, I believe that these types of conversations and comments won’t completely go away anytime soon just b/c there are always new women “returning natural” and it’s fresh and new to them, so these topics are fresh and new to them just as they were to us.
That said, I couldn’t agree more with the writer on some of these. In fact, I’d like to add the Obsession with Long Hair to the list. Every girl under the sun wants long hair at any cost and any girl with long hair is instantly an expert on natural hair care. Truth be told, there are many women out there with long hair by luck and heredity. The focus should be on taking the best possible care of your hair, if it happens to grow long, WONDERFUL…if it doesn’t…STILL WONDERFUL. You have a head of well cared for hair.
Great read, will definitely be sharing on our page!
It has been my experience that it is the mid-term naturals that love these topics. I never considered any of these issues nor knew they were a problem until I started reading hair blogs. I am not sure it can be dumped (as everything seems to be) on the feet of ‘new naturals’.
Emme, I have been natural for over two years and I agree with you. Hair length was never really a concern for me until recently. It’s not that I even WANT long hair, but I am worried that I am not taking care of my hair properly since I don’t see much growth. But all I can do is what’s best for my hair and everything else just comes secondary!
i have been natural for over 10 years and the two arguments that made me leave the natural message boards were:
what is and isn’t natural? from no product to only nuts & berries to never press to no dye to limited pressing to pressed every two-four weeks religiously to the whole category of mild relaxers and their many pseudonyms, everybody has their own definition and everyone is not going to agree on what natural is. therefore, this argument is pointless at its best and nasty at its worst. i’ve seen it go nasty more times than a little bit and it makes me sad.
on a similar note, the vitriol spewed at relaxed women was also sickening. the way Black women react and interact with each other based on how another woman chooses to wear her hair is mind boggling. i’ve seen relaxed woman’s hair flip be interpreted into hate of natural hair, self-hate, denial and all manners of huh? without a mention of the possibility that the hair was irritating her skin or in the way from people not even present at the scene of the “crime.”
bonus: what being natural means? or not being natural means? i wish folks would accept that what it means to you is not necessarily what it means to others and not project all their stuff on other people and be upset when other folks don’t agree or fit their manufactured boxes.
@Shauna – regarding the battle against relaxed women…I couldn’t agree with you more. We love to chant “I am not my hair” well, neither are they, right? The words of the song say “it’s not what’s on my head it’s what’s underneath”…we shouldn’t be judging women who decide to wear their hair relaxed. It’s their decision just like it was ours to go natural. I’m all about educating women on how relaxers damage their hair, and having conversations around our own cultural fear of our hair…beyond that, it’s their choice to make an INFORMED decision about what to do with their hair.
LOL @ nuts & berries…that just made me think of “Coming to America”…Juices & Berries LOL
Agreed and then some…I’m a colored natural and I get the “You’re not natural anymore” drama. I just roll my eyes.
OMG, really?! Why are people are SO EXTRA!!
took the words right out my mouth!
I wish people would stop demonizing hair typing. It doesn’t have to be divisive if we don’t make it. My goodness it’s a way to help people learn more about their hair.
I too am tired of the relaxed versus natural crap. They’re different hair textures, get over it.
I also am over the policing of what’s “truly” natural and what isn’t: heat training, wearing your natural hair straight most of the time, etc.
IT just seems like people like to put “natural” in a box and if you don’t fit that neat description, you don’t count. It’s so annoying. It really could be just hair if we let it be.
I TRY not to participate in discussions that are “debate” worthy. Everyone has their own opinions and experiences, and in a perfect world everyone would accept and appreciate it as just that. Like most ladies on here, I DO feel those arguments get old. We should be able to simply share ourselves and have pleasant exchanges as adult women who share a common thread.
I must say i agree with this list.. i am currently transitioning to natural. And I am finding myself getting annoyed with all the debates that go on in the natural community. We are naturals not “Freedom Writers”
Create a Blessed day <3
This is list is actually shocking to me. None of this has ever came up in my life. The prob that I do have is people telling me more about my hair. HELLO! I know my own hair. I’ve lived with it all my life. I will say that even though I have color in my hair i still consider it natural. Even if I use heat in my hair, it’s still natural.
I disagree with the majority of the list. My reality is my own and I may encounter problems and issues that you may not. Just because something isn’t an issue for some doesn’t mean it’s an issue for others. Which is why they are talked about.
co-sign no one can tell me how to feel about my hair
she’s not saying there non issues, she just made a list of discussions that have become tiresome because they are talked about so much
Hi! First of all i want to say i’m sorry if i made some faults or if you don’t understand my english because i’m a french girl and i don’t speak/write english very well
I often read your web site and i want to say thank you and congratulations for showing georgous naturals women!
I read your article and i realize we have the same discussion in France! Many black women thinks that if your are natural you can’t find a man, a job etc…. And in france also, some woman wich choose to be natural wants absolutely have curly hair like Noémie Lenoir (it’s a french models) or like yaya dacosta for example! But things change, people discuss so i hope very soom black women will stop asking so many useless questions and just appreciate the hair god gave us!
peace
Aubadya
+1
Doesn’t yaya da costa have quite afro/ kinky hair?
Depends on your definition: http://www.brotherswithnogame.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Yaya1.jpg
The curly vs kinky and curl defining will probably always come up. I have never partaken in discussions about what men like because my hair is my hair and is unlikely to change so I don’t see how ruminating on whether this man or that man likes it chnages anything.
my own:
1. The ‘right way’ to be natural i.e silicones/no silicones, mineral oil/no mineral oil. Natural vs synthetic.
2. What is natural? No heat training, no dye, no products whatsoever, no manipulation.
3. Who hates your natural hair – someone made a comment in the grocery store/post office/library/cafeteria/office and clearly they were jealous of me. That gets tiresome.
4. Relaxed vs natural – nobody really cares.
5.Hair typing being utterly, fundamentally, undeniably important to anything other than hair product companies marketing strategies. It really isn’t important, the longer your journey goes on.
+1,000,000
ditto!
Double ditto!
Yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!!
lol well I only have +1 here but all of it agrees with your list
Amen!
Here’s one more (not sure if it’s already been mentioned)….
“Are black men intimidated by natural hair?” Maybe a man just isn’t feelin’ you, or your hair. It may have (and probably has) nothing to do with “intimidation”. If he is intimidated, how would you know (he’s a random guy) and why is it an issue?
As far as hair typing: Natural haired black women have been around for AGES…wayyyy before Andre Walker’s hair typing system was available for us to obsess over.
Many of those women did a STELLAR job caring for/styling their kinks/coils, without knowing ANYTHING about hair types. I was natural, before I knew anything about hair typing. I did very well then, and I do just fine now. Andre Walker hasn’t had any impact whatsoever.
so what you are saying is that if a caucasian woman dyes her hair blonde her hair is no longer natural? Being natural doesnt just limit you to one thing. my mom, when she was young in ghana would put this stuf”i dont know how to say it in english” in your hair to turn it black because the sun would turn your hair red after being in the sun to long. people still do it in the villages in africa. what do you mean by product? hair cream, shampoo, conditoner because that is product
You seem to be misreading her point. She is saying declaring that someone is not natural because they dyed their hair is tiresome.
I really hate the ‘everyone hates my hair’ ones. I am so tired of the whining.
I agree with anon!
+1
I disagree with #5. Hairtyping is absolutely necessary!!
a. Hair typing helps us to have realistic expectations of, and for our hair. Hair is hair yes, but a type 3 naturals can literally wash their hair and leave, type 4 gals however have to moisturize, then add gel to get the same definition, softeness and shine. Without hairtyping, I would have wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what I was doing wrong.
b. Hair typing actually helps us destroy the myth of bad hair. How many naturals with type 4 have we seen on this site and other sites with beautiful healthy hair? Countless!!! Without hair typing, people would have made the excuse of, oh, she has that good hair (secretly meaning type 3). Hell, on this very site I’ve seen women attack Capriana for saying her hair was type 4. You want to know why, because they have been brainwashed into believing that only type 3 women can have hair like that.
c. Hair typing helps us destroy the myth of some black women will never have hair past their shoulder. Have you ever notice that people who say that always target that comment to type 4 women? But guess what, Capriana, MissLala, Sera2425, Kimayutube, Shima etc…all of these beautiful sisters have destroyed the myth that women with kinky hair can’t grow their hair.
c. Hair typing gives women the courage to become naturals. I was on the curly Nicki website and she had a clip of an interview she did in Denver? She was being questioned by a 47 year old permed black anchor who was waiting till she turned 50 to go natural (she need courage). Nicki urged her not to wait, and she replied that it was easy for Nicki to say since she had ‘nice’ hair. The average AA person has type 4 hair (based on Cathy Howse’s research), since she has won the ‘Who’s who in the world’!! for her research, I’m accepting her research. Until more people embrace their type 4 hair, and proclaim it’s beauty, instead of trying to PRETEND that there are no differences between us, more women, even at 47! will be afraid to go natural because they don’t have the right type of hair.
I know this was long, but I get so sick and tired of us pretending that hair differences do not exist, when we do so, we make it seem as if that difference is something we should be ashamed of.
A lot of newbie naturals waste so much time trying to work out what ‘type’ of hair they have, what products that ‘type’ of hair needs’, who their hair twin is etc that could have been used to actually experiment with their own hair and find all that out in a far more direct manner. Plus, with so many people having different types of curls on their heads, such wide generalisations such as that in the Walker system seem to be highly outdated.
A lot more newbies wasted more time trying to get their curls to ‘pop’ like Curly Nicki’s, or trying to get their hair to ‘shine’ like Tracy Ellis Ross’s than they ever did trying to find out what their hair needs. Plus, the hair on our heads doesn’t usually span more than 1 type. In other words, the average head doesn’t have type 1 – 4; you may have 3c with some 4, or a whole bunch of the 4’s….either way, you’re still primarily a 4, so there is no confusion…deinal maybe, but no confusion.
Funny you should say that because according to the hair typing system I have multiple hair types – within the same strand of hair. Thats right, I have hair that grows from the root straight or almost straight then curls/kinks or coils at the end and very rarely stays straight. It’s not heat damage btw. So am I supposed to use different products on different sections along my hair? No, thats why hair typing is nonsense. If you have thick hair don’t try to drag a fine tooth comb through it, if your hair is dry moisturise it with something adequately thick etc. To me people should start using common sense when taking care of their instead of blindly following whatever they have been told because they have a certain hair type.
I have hairs on my head that do the same thing, that doesn’t mean that my hair type is not a 4. Hair typing is common sense, it is what is used to develp products. In a nutshell, it is a guide…..a very useful one.
A person can do and know all you have stated without hair typing. You comment doesn’t make any logical sense to me. How does anyone know the type of another person’s hair? By looking at it. How would this be different if the hair typing system is not being used?
Totally agree, hair TYPING is not necessary, you can learn your hair without having to put it in a box, especially since some of us have different textures/types on the same head. it’s simply not that important – what’s more important is learning your OWN hair, it may be useful to learn from someone with similar hair, but we all know even that doesn’t always work.
How does anyone know the type of another person’s hair….easy, it is called research.
Research has shown that AA’s have the driest hair type of all the races. The person who did the ground-breaking work has won the who’s who in the world award, and as you can guess, that is not something that they just give away. How much research has to be done before you accept that fact? Let’s not act like before the widely shared research that afro-textured hair women weren’t breaking the bank trying to learn how to get their hair to shoulder length….now women are talking waist lenght like it ain’t no thang.
Let’s not act like before the widely shared research that we weren’t on average, washing our hair twice a month and that was it. No moisturizing, no cowashing, no prepooing and I could go on and on.
So in a nutshell, you’re the one not making logical sense. How do you think we found out about the benefits of coconut oil, that afro-textured hair needs to be hydrated and on and on and on.? They did research and they found out what we had in common,and that is that we are primarily type 4 and no amount of denial is going to change that fact.
I feel like the whole hair typing thing is separating black women….sort of like the whole “good hair/bad hair” thing. Women obsess over their “hair type”…and i find it ridiculous. Anyway why do you need someone to tell you what kind of hair you have? Just feel through your hair and figure it out. I didn’t do all that, but then again I’ve been natural most of my life so i guess a lot of women who haven’t seen their hair since they were little girls wouldn’t know what their hair looked or felt like…wouldn’t remember the curl pattern or tightness. This current time it’s been 11 years (before it started becoming very popular and this whole hair typing thing started to take off). It would’ve been 17 yrs if i didn’t get one for my 8th gr graduation (first relaxer in 4th gr but went from 5th to 8th gr without one), then the one i got for my senior prom (went from 9th to 12th gr with no relaxer). Back then i just did my hair, i didn’t worry about what product was natural and my hair grew and was long. what my mom did to my hair was just use some plain ol’ blue magic grease (but all these naturals in recent years will tell you it’s not good for your scalp! don’t use petroleum), and my hair stayed braided most of the time (with 2-4 breaks in between braid styles, luckily my mom been braiding hair since she was 13). I just describe my hair as course/kinky/nappy (which is tightly curled hair) hair. it’s very thick and i’ve broke plenty of combs all of my life but i love it. i never use that hair typing system. i have no need i just figured it out all on my own way before all of the natural websites like nappturality or whatever.
Just my opinion..but its not hair typing that causes the whole “good hair bad hair thing” its black women ourselves. We have always tried to seperate ourselves according to skin color or hair type..this is a problem that we must deal with on the inside. Hair typing can be a helpful tool. For those of us who use it, we have found it to be a great help. For those of us who don’t use it, we still have explored other ways of finding the proper way to care for our hair. Whatever our choice we should respect one anothers preference.
uhmm….my daughter is a type 3a/b and I can not wash her hair and just ‘get up and leave’, like type 4 hair it needs to be moisturized and sealed.
I agree completely!!!!!!!!
That’s it right there!!! No other comments/lists were even needed.
I agree except #5 hair typing has helped me identify my hair and see what people with my hair type are using when I first went on my natural journey all I had was Terri and her website our hair looks similar but that conditioner only deaman brush w olive oil wasn’t working for me my hair broke like MADD but smelled awesome ive said this in another post Shea butter and glycerin works for my dry fragile curls but do nothing but coat my fiancée waves olive oil alone doesnt help my hair but his hair loves it he can wash his hair every single day with herbal Essenes shampoo or anyone I no longer use and doesn’t follow upmwith a conditioner oil or nada and he has soft frizz free waves been there done that and dried the mess out of my hair I can only wash my hair once a week with a sulphate free shampoo and even then will my hair feel dry if I don’t do an oil treatment first that’s the characteristics of my hair type
I wouldve NEVER known the “rules” of natural hair without hair typing because some people like my fiancee and my mother think they have curly hair when in reality it’s only has a slight wave1b 2a unlike me who has kinky 3c 4a hair which they call nappy ive never had a problem w nappy hair because i never thought of it as negative word the other N word I hate what works for them doesn’t work for me and vice versa
+1
YES!!! I would definitely agree with the “right way” to be natural, heat, color, and relaxed v. natural.
I’ve never bought into hair typing, but I do think it can be useful to learn what could work for your hair. Numbers and letters don’t make one head “better” than another, and I think that’s the ONLY problem with hair typing, when people assume that one type is superior or inferior to another.
and I think that’s the ONLY problem with hair typing, when people assume that one type is superior or inferior to another….that right there is the root of the problem. Many people on this site have admitted that that is why they don’t like it. They are made to feel inferior. Well guess what, as long as you try to deny your hair type, or pretend that it does not exist, then you give the bullies more reason to make fun of you.
Lol…I’m sorry but it’s funny to me that some of y’all are here having a heated, drawn out discussion about one of the things that was listed in the original comment as a should-move-on-from topic
Lol! Good point Le Le…