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Season 7 of the Real Housewives of Atlanta just heated up…but not in the way you might think.
During a bedroom discussion around their dwindling sex life, Kandi Burrus and her newlywed husband Todd discuss sex in their marriage, in the context of willingness to compromise. In response to Kandi’s proposition that they have sex more than once a week, Todd drops these gems:
“Lets keep it real. I’m not Tyson Beckford, and you’re not Rihanna.”
“When’s the last time you didn’t have the bonnet on, and put on some heels?”
In his solo time with the camera, Todd further explains that Kandi’s nighttime bonnet doesn’t turn him on, and goes on to say that “even the thirstiest dude wouldn’t get it up”.
Ehhhhhh….. *rubs temples*
Having been in what I consider a fairly successful relationship for the past almost 5 years (“successful” meaning we haven’t tried to kill each other yet), I wouldn’t try to posture myself as a relationship expert. However, this conversation (for me) borders on the ridiculous. Couples should absolutely have open and honest communication around their relationship — especially when it comes to matters of the boudoir. But as with everything, there’s a way to be honest without being disrespectful.
Relationshipping 101: Don’t compare your woman to another woman (especially in the context of telling her what she’s not).
Relationshipping 102: Don’t disrespect the bonnet.
Todd cites that the source of his lack of drive to “get it up” rests in the fact that Kandi has neglected to wear heels for him and insists in sleeping in her bonnet. While I understand and acknowledge that physical attraction and visual stimulation are a part of a relationship, they should not constitute the majority of the foundation upon which a relationship is built.
Disproportionately so, the pressure to “not let yourself go” falls on the shoulders of women. That’s what the satin bonnet is being associated with now — a telling sign of letting go and not being “on” or visually appealing to your man at all times. I’m not saying that it’s wrong to want to look good for your significant other, but when that becomes the focal point of the relationship (as opposed to…oh, I don’t know, nurturing and supporting each other to reach professional and personal goals), you have to question what foundation the relationship is built upon.
I spoke with my boyfriend about the matter, devoid of reference to RHOA so as to gather his unbiased opinion. If I use Todd’s metrics, then my boyfriend is infinitely beyond thirsty — like to infinity and beyond thirsty. Here’s what he had to say when I asked him whether me having on a bonnet would stop him, or decrease his level of desire:
“Nope, it wouldn’t stop me at all. You’re beautiful either way…and seriously, why would it? Touching, feeling, and having contact is way more arousing than hair — whether it’s covered up or not. At the end of the day, sex is for my penis. Just saying.”
Or rather than thirsty, perhaps he is just a really good guy who appreciates his woman whether she’s in heels and a dress or in yoga pants and a tee shirt. Maybe he doesn’t mind if his lady rocks anything from a free flowing wash and go to a crazy looking pineapple or bonnet. Maybe, just maybe, some men are able to see their woman as a whole person with intellect, feelings, a beautiful spirit and a crazy sense of humor, as opposed to being their sexual plaything.
Besides, a man who dates or marries a woman with natural hair should already know the amount of work that goes into maintaining that gorgeous hair.
We polled the BGLH writers, to see what their boyfriends and hubbies had to say on the matter. Click here to find out what they said.
Oh and Todd — you should probably know that your woman prefers Idris Elba to Tyson Beckford. Just sayin’.
Ladies, what do you think?
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They have some more underlying relationship issues than just that bonnet, I believe…
My thoughts exactly!
Thank you for this: “If I use Todd’s metrics, then my boyfriend is infinitely beyond thirsty — like to infinity and beyond thirsty. ” Because as soon as I read Todd’s ridiculous comment, the first thing I thought was there must be another level of dehydration beyond thirst that runs rampant. From my observation, the number of men, and specifically black men, who balk at night time head coverings is very rare. Consider the fact that black men grow up with and around black women who regularly protect their hair at night. Wouldn’t common sense say that those black men… Read more »
I agree with the previous posters. The bonnet comment is just an excuse, and we women aren’t objects that behave like singers in videos or on porn. As most men know. I’ve worn some very dodgy things to bed, and none of them have put my husband off.
I saw this yesterday, and I am not going to lie! I immediately texted my cousin about what Todd said because I agree with him. My cousins and I are terrified of the bonnet it even turns us off. When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror I do not feel an ounce of attractiveness! So I understand what he was saying; I really do! Whatever else he said I wasn’t all the way for, but in regards to the bonnet I do.
Who’s ‘attractive’ first thing in the morning to begin with? Compared to that dried slobber line on the side of the face, that horrible morning breath, eye boogers, and the tendency to scratch some places you wouldn’t dare scratch in public, how does a bonnet compare in decreasing the desirability for sex? All you have to do is snatch that bad boy off and handle your business!
Let me see….Kandi Burrus’s ass verses her bonnet…..nah, Todd, I’m a heterosexual chic and even I wouldn’t be able to pas up on the sex
LOL!
Time to get a new man! My husband has no problem getting it up, bonnet or no bonnet, make up or no make up, heels or no heels. Hell he’ll even try it when I’m wearing a mud mask and we’ve been together 10 years. Don’t settle find someone who craves you.
Haha. The mud mask reminds me of one of the recent Empire episodes where Andre was just about sucking his wife’s face off with the mud mask and all. My initial reaction was “Stop it! You’re getting mud in your mouth!” Then of course my natural mind kicked in that sometimes that kiss is worth more than a clean mouth in the moment. LOL.
I thought of the same thing. That scene from Empire. Remember when she had the rollers in her hair? Nothing stops them.
OT I love how Andre’s wife is also her natural self. Rollers, bathrobe, mud mask, not all “Hollywood” like in the movies when they wake up with perfect hair. If they expand her character she could give Cookie a run for her money cus she lowkey ruthless. She loves Dre but she ain’t a punk. Ok Empire out lol
She’s White tho and most of the things Black men claim not to like on Black women, they magically like it on non Black women.
Well, tell the truth and shame the devil. You said it!
Amen!
If he’s been around black women most of his life he must have seen the bonnet around his house a lot and have gotten accustomed to it. I’ve been wrapping my hair since I was 9.The only time I think the bonnet is scary is when I see it outside of the home. I will NEVER do that.
Have you noticed some brothers only see a problem with something when black women are the primary ones associated with it? Let it become more “mainstream” (rolls eyes) then all of a sudden the problem melts away
That fool need to shuddit up!
Yup like being curvy. They use to call black women fat . Now that white women are obsess with curvy bodies..doing and eating anything just to get that round butt…black man have bow down to this body type. I can’t wait till black women stop kissing up to these idiots and date outside their race because black men are sure kissing up to other race of women
Well that’s his opinion and my man will jump my bones with or without it. We aren’t wearing it to be sexy or trendy we were it to keep our hair looking nice and laid down. besides if we got to gussy up for you and where or hooka heels then you can deal with a bonnet or a head wrap. His head seems to be a little too much on the glam instead of the person that you are laying with . Kandi isn’t a porn star and some times she wants to chil-lax like everyone else. Maybe She… Read more »
He just don’t like her, its painfully obvious…
Yes it is. When a man is in to you, then you could be wearing a brown paper bag and that will turn him on.
I know huh??! Who would say this to their new wife??!
I felt bad for her while i (used) to watch. It was sort of obvious from his body language that he really wasn’t that into her.
I don’t think he’s saying that she does turn him on. But what I do think is that the romance and spontaneity of it has probably dwindled down. Let’s be real ladies when we first dating someone you pull out all the stops and you wouldn’t dare let him see you with that bonnet on….
I think you meant don’t* in your first sentence. Plus your last sentence doesn’t apply to them because they’re married and have had a house together before that. He is a Black man who had a Black mother (RIP) and he has a Black daughter. Bonnets shouldn’t be anything new to him. Bonnets and du-rags are on the same aisle in the store!!
I think it’s *doesn’t the word you are looking for
I’m the odd one out. I let ’em see it up front so I can just rule out the problem ones right away. Especially if they be wearing the oldest draws they could find, full of holes. Like dude, if you’re not gonna make an effort, neither will I. Lol.
Well written article; thought provoking topic! Bravo!
Oh my. Kandi is way prettier than Rhianna and he is right he is not Tyson B. I think she needs to think about and ascertain whether he is on the down low. When I look to me the most raggedy men seem to love it! Maybe he likes to wear the heels himself!
“Kandi is way prettier than Rhianna…” Kandi, is that you?
Kandi IS prettier than Ri! Why do you question this Blue? Bc K is darker than Ri?? Probs in the community, smh. Anyhow, how could her hubby go into a relationship with a Black woman, natural or otherwise, not expecting the bonnet??!? Stupid fool.
I am confused, can she not find Kandi prettier than Riri? What has skintone to do with everything, do you question people when they find lighter skinned people more beautiful than darker ones? or you just find it normal. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
True, beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder and I do feel like darker skinned Black women receive less props for their beauty even within the Black community; that was my whole point.
so true ! even when a chocolate toned women is GORGEOUS she wont get as many prop as an AVERAGE looking light skinned woman with WEAVE. its so sad and PLAYED OUT.
I got your point Torie!
She must have read it too quickly.
Basically I feel there is nothing extra special abt Ri’s looks
You know Todd I was on your team before this, but ugh now it’s a resounding NOPE. I have had my hair half braided and half in a shower cap deep conditioning and my boo still was standing at attention.
How about you both go see a therapist and discuss the real issues that’s keeping your soldier at ease…
Todd, stop being a b***h! A bonnet ain’t never stopped somebody from getting some!
My satin bonnet never stopped my man from from ripping my clothes off when he’s in the mood. Heck, rip rips that off too.
I’m no relationship expert, but when use trivial stuff like this to justify not having sex, it’s usually because their attraction to you is waning and they need an excuse.
I guarantee getting rid of the bonnet will not fix this problem.
Thank you!
Sounds like he’s using the bonnet as an excuse.
Wait, so HE’S the one who doesn’t want to have sex much? It’s usually the other way around. The man is usually chasing the woman around the bedroom for more sex. And all because is a little satin bonnet? Nah, Todd’s got some deeper issues. Did he marry Kandi for the right reasons?
His problem is with the prenup.
I’m confused. I thought Kandi wears a weave. (?) if so, even if she take the bonnet off, she would still have a bonnet on. It’s just covered with human hair. In fact if she puts one of those weave caps on she has 3 so called bonnets on. So which bonnet is he talking about would be my question. Now don’t lol because this is a good question for conversation. Because the bottom line could be he wants to see the real kandi. He just might to see her sexy natural hair from time to time. Are he just… Read more »
Rhianna even wears a bonnet, Im sure. She came out in public with the wrap a while back!
He’s cheating. Let’s be trill about this….. Lamest excuse ever.
Fo’real!
Ironic how we’ve got the thirstiest opportunist mentioning thirst, huh…..
I’ve never ha an issue , if anything I’ve been self conscious about it and they’re like uhh I don’t care. I’ve done the dirty deed with flexi rods, perm- rods, bantu knots, hair wrapped, bonnet, satin scarf and a bandana and never had an issue with boyfriends. They just don’t care but to each his own
I was getting ready to take my Bantu knots out and my boyfriend told me to stop bc “they make you look like a bad ass” then proceeded to show me *winks* then afterwards I took them down bc I was going out with my home girl and the outfit called for big hair lol
I wonder if Kandi’s friend Carmen wears a sleep bonnet.
and HER MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her mother is 100% right about him. He’s no good and wants money!
sisters, kill the bonnets. more & more men are being honest and telling us it’s just not conducive to the mood. a co-worker (a brother) and i were discussing this, real-real – he knew if he mentioned it, his girl would go off – so he didn’t mention it, but his discontent festered – and eventually he just moved on, never telling her the reason. there was other stuff, yeah, but not enough that by itself it would’ve ended the relationship. those of you insisting he “bet not have an issue wit it” need to check yourselves.
LOL if he moved on because of a bonnet that shows how much of a loser he really is. He’s done the woman a favour ,so she can meet a real man who sees the WHOLE package and not just a damn irrelevant bonnet. Your ‘brother’ needs to grow up, flippin manchild -_-
He’s cheating and just grab an excuse out of the air. If the bonnet really turned him off, I’m quite sure if he said something to Kandi, she would have pulled it off. If taking off a bonnet would keep men from cheating, all of us would go to bed without a bonnet! Kandi was so smart to get that pre-nupt!
But, if she doesn’t wear a bonnet… Her hair would be a mess. Why the comparisons to other people? She wasn’t Rihanna when you married her. Nor should she be. Mekhi Pfifer said something along the same lines. It’s tired. If you are attracted to someone, a satin bonnet will not be any sort of mood killer. As the relationship goes on, it should grow. This is a sorry excuse.
I don’t watch the show at all but I know some things from watching Wendy off and on. With that said, his comment was extremely insensitive however, (Capitol H)… My husband and I got married in 2012, I always wore my hair in bonnets at night. Just recently I’ve been on my hair journey to growing my hair back after it fell out/ broke off/ burned off. My WL hair went to BSB and I couldn’t recognize myself. With this said, I wear my scarf most of the day (I took a year off wrk to go back to school)… Read more »
You should be able to voice your opinion whether husband or wife about your feelings. The fact that it’s public is crazy and dumb
Honestly? She can’t sleep in what she wants?
that’s right….men finally get up the nerve to tell you the truth about something, and you react like that. his opinion is invalid because it’s not in line with what YOU think? yeah, see how that style of communication works for you in the long run. you’ll be the one wondering what happened when he just moves on.
If you are dating or marrying a black woman/ woman with afro textured hair the bonnet and head scarves should be expected. I’m surprised they are just now discussing this, wasn’t she wearing the head scarf before ?
Every man is not the same nor every women. What you decide to ultimately do is between husband and wife. Yes, I think he should voice his opinion on his concerns, but I do feel like it was disrespectful and should have been done in private. Now, my husband does not like bonnets but instead of me having a temper tantrum and fit about why I need a bonnet, we worked together to come up with a solution were both happy with. I wear a pineapple, which he absolutely thinks is sexy, and on those days that I need my… Read more »
The bonnet is not my issue with his statement. The issue is that he told his wife that even the thirstiest dude wouldn’t want her. That’s beyond cruel and disrespectful. He can’t get it up because she’s not Rihanna? What wife wants to get gussied up for her husband after he talks to her like that?
I think Kandi has super low self esteem, which explains her taste in men and why she allows her abusive mother to walk all over her.
Todd’s right and ur boyfriends a liar…Common sense dictates that he’s not going to Bring extra stress on him by dealing by dealing with Todds position anyway…think about it. lol
Although I think the bonnet is an excuse in this case (he never voiced any issue with it BEFORE they got married), I can understand how for SOME men it would be a total turnoff. To some men, it is totally not sexy, especially if it turns them on to see hair and be able to run their hands through or tug on it. Everyone is different and what turns them on is different. Todd’s body language and attitude suggest that a part of him has already checked out emotionally. When he said he was no Tyson Beckford and she… Read more »