by
Black Girl With Long Hair
This article is re-posted from ChocolateHairVanillaCare.com. We’ve discussed the issue of “hair touching” before, but it’s great to hear a unique point of view.
Dear People Who Have, or May, Come Into Contact with My Daughter,
Thank you so much for your interest in my daughter’s hair. Yes, it is beautiful, we both appreciate your compliments. Yes, she’s very patient and has no problem sitting to have her hair done. She’s been getting her hair done since she was very small and knows of nothing else; her hair regime is a fact of life and she doesn’t see it as the burden that you do. Nor do I.
While asking me about my daughter’s hair, please do not start touching it. Just because I am a vanilla parent this does not mean that you have an “in” to touch chocolate hair for the first time. I have had too many people tell me, “Oooh, I’ve always wondered what their hair felt like,” while pawing my daughter. She’s not an animal, she’s a human being.
We teach our children that strangers touching them in inappropriate ways is wrong and that they should tell an adult immediately. In our opinion, anytime a child is touched by anyone who feels that they have a right to do so, against the child’s wishes and without the child’s permission, is inappropriate.
You see, every chocolate/jam/cheetos handprint on her hair from other children and/or adults is a mark on her dignity. She is small, but she does have personal space and a sense of self-worth. When you invade that space without her permission you are telling her that she has no rights to her body; that her desire to be left untouched is not as important as your curiosity.
Even if your hands are clean, they still leave a an invisible mark.
If you are sweet and kind enough to ask my daughter ahead of time if you can touch her hair, please do not be offended if she says, “No.” She is not being rude. She has no obligation to give the answer that you want. Her body is her own and if she does not want to share it with you at that moment, then please respect her rights. Don’t tell me that she’s being “disobedient” or “rude” or huff and walk away. In doing so, you are indirectly communicating that she owes you a piece of herself for no other reason than because you asked. She does not.
No, I do not do unique hairstyles for my daughter to attract your attention. I do them for her, to help foster a loving relationship with her natural hair so that she will grow up loving how God made her, hopefully minimizing any desire to alter herself to match someone else’s standard of beauty. Do not tell me that if I didn’t want her touched that I shouldn’t be doing all these hairstyles that say “look at me, touch me.” Do not blame the victim for your indiscretion or lack of self control.
If you are a teacher, please note that the first day of school is often very intimidating and making a really big deal about hair – on that day, or any day – while inviting other teachers and/or parents to come over to touch and finger-through a child’s head of hair, can be extremely overwhelming. Yes, she may be one of the few chocolate children at your school, but drawing so much attention to her will only highlight how different she is. Although I can address the issue with you while I’m present, I put my trust in you that you will protect my daughter throughout the day. Allowing classmates to put their hands in her hair or play with her beads is not only distracting to the class, it is also akin to hitting; it is a violation of my daughter’s person and I have to believe that you will do your best to keep this from happening. Just because it might not physically hurt her, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt her character.
I remember back in the days of being pregnant and how it used to bother me when strangers would come and touch my belly without my permission. I know that people struggle with holding back when their curiosity gets the best of them, but nevertheless it seemed only right to me that someone should ask before placing their hand(s) on my stomach.
But I am an adult. I have already formed my identity and self-worth and can hopefully express my discontent in constructive ways. Children are still learning about themselves in the world. They are not as certain of themselves, and if you cross a line they will often question the line, not you.
In conclusion, I pray that this letter is well-received, that those who may have done this in the past feel convicted and think twice before doing it again. For those who have never experienced chocolate hair, may it be a helpful insight into our beautiful world. For people who have recently welcomed a child with chocolate hair for the first time into your extended family, may you respect the child’s personal space and be kind and gentle with your questions and curiosities. For all, please remember that you are helping to shape the character of the adults of tomorrow; if we cannot respect the bodies of our children today, how can we expect them to respect themselves in the future?
Blessings,
Rory, Boo’s Mama
For more of Rory’s writings check out ChocolateHairVanillaCare.com. Ladies, what are your thoughts?
645 Responses
As a child i remember being “pawed”(to use someones else’s phrase) by little black and Indian kids who were fascinated w/ my straight red hair. Also, in Africa being petted and stroked. both times i could submit to it in the nature it was done. as wonder and curiosity…a learning experience. i remember feeling accepted and helpful in these experiences. but the main thing was – though i wasn’t asked, i did submit to it and it was my choice. even if it was a little uncomfortable to let others into my space . it still happens- i have long hair and i get petted – even thought i am in my 50’s…just sharing so folks know it can go both ways…and getting permission is best! being different is survivable :)touching is how some folks get past ‘fears’ of the unknown , how they process their surroundings – especially little kids.let your kiddos have the choice to say no- but don’t be surprised if they are ok w/ it and want to touch the other person’s hair/skin too! my Chocolate daughter hates having hers touched- strangers or friends doesn’t matter- she works too hard on a style to want it messed with…and she has a bubble of personal space she doesn’t like invaded. that is her choice- though she wants to touch others’ hair! LOL she understands they may not like it so asks first. i feel if we have an attitude of being ambassadors of good will we can get though this life better and have better understanding and relationships. no is no and personal space MUST be respected , but i do forgive and understand curiosity – both respect and forgiveness are best taught while they are children….and some adults need a remedial course in them too! 🙂 peace and grace~a
Anita, Anita, Anita:
Do not white wash this lady’s letter. It does not go both ways as you have said. This is a situation that just about every minority in the western hemisphere and post colonial Africa live with just about every day. The encroachment, violation, presumption, & insensitivity administered by white people, in particular, is a continuation of the entitlement and forced access they have had to our bodies from the point of the kidnapping of my people, through the Door of no Return, through the Middle Passage, through life as slaves, ’til TODAY. At what point in history did Blacks have such power (or desire) to violate white human rights and dignity that you should dare to compare our curiosity as the same as yours? Can you still hear the cries or feel the pain of your great, great, grandmother being raped, flogged, executed, auctioned, or examined like Hottentot Venus (look it up please)? Most Blacks do not have close enough “access” to whites to touch their hair and those who do, for the most part, are so frightened by the memory of violations suffered in a past life that they are able to stifle the urge to touch, comment, or inflict any indignity – regardless of our station in life.
My hair, skin, behind, lips, and any other part are not objects of show and tell to be examined for texture, pigmentation, length, ability to withstand pain, disease, etc. etc. My sixth sense tells me that any attempt to reciprocate with questions (and – Gawd forbid – touch) would be unwelcomed because I am the object of curiosity – read oddity – not the violator.
Re ambassador: The diplomatic core is a highly skilled profession for diplomats. Blacks, chocolates, Afro-or-African-whatever persons should not be expected to be automatically equipped to liaise for their race. I represent myself and not my race and I am entitled to live without being expected to tolerate ill-mannered individuals who unwittingly and sometimes purposefully inflict pain. If that was a job description, no amount of money could get me to sign up for it.
Accept our differences and respect our person, our dignity, and our space.
With thanks. El.
My mom has bright red hair (she’s Colombian, so she had an accent as well as a different hair color). She went to a predominately black school in New Orleans, and also had to deal with people being fascinated by her hair. She told me a story of a group of black girls who would always corner her, touch her hair, and tease her that it wasn’t her “real hair” (it was). Invasion of personal space is rude. Of course, my mom’s story doesn’t come from a racist mind-set (her experience was a product of bullying, and a violation of space, not a hate crime), but it’s important to know that nobody wants someone to touch them in a hostile manner.
Anita! You have ABSOLUTELY no sense of reasoning! NON! Won’t even get into how your argument lacks ANY validity…not enough time. And, I fear it would be lost on you even if I tried.
(Instead of replying to those who replied to this comment, I will just reply to the base comment.)
On an article about respect, it’s funny how people are so harsh to any even remotely non-concurring comments.
Hi; I am a mix of Italian (northern, southern, and Sicilian), Colombian, and German. My skin tone is white (or some sort of tan/olive) and my hair is /exactly like that of any other person of African descent (if you wonder why, it’s just a rare natural hair type amongst some parts of Italy).
To say that the hair-touching does /not go both ways is extremely close-minded. I speak of course from personal experience of everyone under the yellow sun (black, white, what have you) desiring to feel and play with my hair. I speak also, as a child, of my curiosity to the texture and feel of /other people’s hair (my two siblings had very moppy wavy hair and extremely frizzy brillo-pad-esque hair) because straight hair to me was just this ‘whoa what is this sorcery and madness that has stolen the volume and complexity of thine mane?!’ So, as a child, when any other peer was curious and wanted to feel my hair, I usually agreed under the stipulation that I feel theirs. And it was glorious! Hair met hair and we all learned a little about the world (or at least hair).
Of course, there were (and are) those who did not ask, who did not know common courtesy and simply reached onto my head as if I were a beast to be petted. I, unamused, usually just started petting back, with a “yeah, I bet you don’t like this, do you? Feels weird and intrusive, right?”
Wrapping all this up; I understand where anita is coming from. I get that children of all colors and creeds are curious when confronted with something different. I get that what anita was trying to say is that while the most known and common culprit of hair-intrusiveness is a white person touching a black person’s hair, it does happen the other way around. Because, well, as I’ve said, it does. Even black kids were curious about my hair because I was white with typically not-white hair.
The intrusions and invasions of privacy and personal space /do have their racial bearings; I’m sure most white people never go through this (albeit hello, we do exist) and never understand or learn how rude it is. But when it all comes down to it, this isn’t a race issue as some of the commentators (El Stewart in particular) have made it out to be and bashed anita on; it’s a respect issue. It’s an issue of teaching children respect, personal space, courtesy, and self awareness so that when they are adults (and as they are growing) they know better and can teach others and /their children the same.
You cannot just label these things as black and white otherwise you miss the issue and point entirely and leave us, human beings, as a species, divided.
(For reference, this is me. Those are spoons on my eyes for reasons I do not remember.)
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/IMG_20101104_153804.jpg[/img]
I love how eloquently she got folks told. I also like the fact that she uses the terms chocolate and vanilla because it is appropriate when talking to and about a child. We don’t have to be black and white just because that is what adults have designated for us as labels. We can choose to identify in any way we please.
For the record, I love that website and go there to be amazed at the hairstyles Rory comes up with for little Boo’s hair. She does a better job than I ever did with my daughter! LOL!
Everything she says is true. White folks have this sense of entitlement to people of color and want to touch our skin, our hair, and ask us all sorts of inappropriate personal questions. Then have the nerve to catch an attitude when they get told no, their hand forcefully thrown off of our daughters, pushed back out of our personal space, or smooth cussed out for doing something to my child I told them not to do. You have no rights to touch another person’s anything. Keep your hands to yourself, just like in grade school. Do not touch my daughter or any black/chocolate person’s body or hair without their permission and it will be all good.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/TheKid.jpg[/img]
My favorite part was “Do not blame the victim for your indiscretion or lack of self control.” OMG yes!!! This goes for anything that is misinterpreted 🙂
Great, empowering article. Good for her! And I think Chocolate and Vanilla is more accurate than black and white. It’s also a cuter discription of our differences.
I like that this woman understands how irritating and humiliating it can be when people touch and pet us like animals, but I am not a fan of the use of ‘chocolate’ (or vanilla) for that matter…
I don’t think there was anything wrong with her referring to herself and her daughter (or any of us) as Chocolate/Vanilla. Some people say, “Don’t call me Black, call me African-American”, and others say, “Don’t call African-American, call me Black”. Others say, “don’t call me White, call me Caucasion”. while others say, “It doesn’t matter”. She said those terms to make it easy for everyone to understand what she was saying, and in a friendly implied way. That’s what I think, anyway. This was an excellent article.
In Japan my students call me “Chocolate Sensei” I actually like the name…lol. Especially after I realize dhow much they liked chocolate. 🙂 It’s ok to me , but to each their own…
We can refer to our own skin color as whatever we want. Chocolate and vanilla are a wonderful way of describing some of the colors of people. My skin is the color of coffee with lots of cream in it….
P.S. I love this article and could never imagine pawing a childs hair in the way that you describe. I stroke my own childrens hair and would never allow someone they are not comfortable with to do that.
If you took the time to read on her blog WHY she uses “chocolate/vanilla”, you wouldn’t be so up in arms. which, I don’t see why it’s such a problem in any case. But for the record, it stems from when her daughter was much younger. Boo (also a beautiful story behind her nickname), had no concept of differences in race & skin color. As a young child, she only knew how to differentiate ppl based on how closely they matched her favorite food… eg chocolate or vanilla pudding ( can’t remember if these were the examples used but you get the picture). Rory being a great intuitive mother, held on to that and decided to own it. All that being said, she shouldn’t have to explain her choice of words to ANY of you, whether you are black, white, pink or purple! She’s an AMAZING mom! America needs more Amazing mothers like her! And most importantly….and most likely will piss most of you off….America needs more BLACK mothers who parent like Rory does! I mean how many of you can say that your children can read AND write fluently at age 5?! Boo reads books from cover to cover, and I don’t mean 3 letter word stories either…actual books! The time you’ve taken to be uncomfortable about her choice of words, I’d suggest you re-evaluate why you are offended in the first place. This woman is nothing short of amazing. The only fault I find is that she’s only raising one child instead of an entire brood! If there were more moms like her, maybe us black women wouldn’t be so obsessed with hair texture, skin complexion…or natural hair curl patterns!
You are absolutely correct, the latter portion of your comment pissed me off! How dare you disrespect or belittle “us” in your effort to lift the author of this article up. Many of us are wonderful parents, even though not all of our children read, write, add, and subtract by the age of five. Yet they still manage to grow up and thru hardwork and determination receive multiple degrees, or maybe just one. Some of them don’t receive a degree at all, and inspite of the result of what is obviously parental neglect they manage thru hard, honest work to care for their families, and send their children to college. The nerve of you. You took a beautiful article and interjected your own brand of ugly. I’m sure the author would not approve. I personally like the use of “vanilla/ chocolate”, and just because someone else did not, does not give you cause to charge Black mothers with the “you all should be as good a mother as this White mother is. You took it there. Don’t do it again. The author, I am certain would be offended, because after all, her little “chocolate” lady will one day be one of us.
Love her blog! It’s always nice to see and hear things like this. It’s awesome how she encourages self love. I totally agree with her, I wouldn’t want a stranger walking up and touching any random part of MY body and that includes my hair. I’m pregnant and people are fascinated because I look like a pencil that swallowed a grape but it would be nice if they asked before they start feeling me up lol. I know they mean no harm but I’m a very private person that strongly believes in personal space.
Protection. Guidance. Love.
It’s really not that serious. We are all different no hair or skin better than another. Just different! If it bothers your daughter it is her right to say please don’t touch my hair.
As a white women haven’t you been around children of another race that want to touch your hair? I have. They are just curious. My husband is black and I am white. My children have a different texture of hair than either of us. People of both races notice and touch their hair. It is different. That’s all.
This letter says it all, and I think it speaks for all children, really, and for some adults. I know I can’t stand when my friends touch my hair, or any part of me for that matter, without my permission, and having been a child with many similar issues I know what its like to feel trapped and uncomfortable and feeling like you’re unable to say anything when someone does something that you don’t feel is right, such as touching your hair or any part of you, or even your things for that matter, without permission. As I stated on another post here, we need to spend more time concerning the way we are raising our children, because they are the next generation and this world will be theirs next!
LOVED this and posted it on F.B. ..I know the “chocolate” reffs may have bothered some, but she is obviously not trying to make jabs or be offensive, I think she is trying to explain our hair in a simplistic way (which quite frankly, you have to do with some of the people who want to touch your hair).
I wish she could tour the country and explain to those who are not black, why our hair is not to be treated as if it’s on display at a petting zoo. I got that a lot in school (and the common place “ewww” and wipe of the hand on the pantleg when they found that my hair had oils in it. People wanted to touch my head and once they did, they were grossed out and never wanted to touch it again….which made me feel WONDERFUL as a small child surrounded by little white girls and their wash & wear hair).
She’s a really great mother for putting herself out there and protecting her daughter like that…and it’s great to see white parents like herself, who have an understanding of black hair.
Sometime we act like our hair is beyond white comprehension, and it’s not…you just need to know what you are doing, like baking a cake or fixing a car. I have seen so many message boards dogging out white parents of black or biracial children. I think it’s BS. I see plenty of black kids with black parents and the kid has busted hair. Being black does not mean you know black hair. It’s a learning process for all of us, it’s just that we as black people, more or less, MUST learn our hair; for white people, they don’t have to learn it, but some do. Some of the best stylist for black hair and weavologist are white.
Doesn’t matter if you are black or white, I just want to know can you make MY hair look good? That’s the only thing that really matters…and this mom makes this little girls hair look adorable!!!
Happy being nappy too. But please dont touch admire from afar,
I love my locks too.
I love it!!! So very true….thank you for speaking out.
This happens also in Nigeria. Someone compliments your hair and think that just because you said thank you with a smile, they’ve been given the permission to touch it. When I say no don’t touch it, you’ll mess up my hair,they look at me like I’m rude. So this touching thing cuts across borders.
Nappilynigeriangirl.blogspot.com
As a black male with an Afro, I find this article to be spot on! I get harassed so much from people wanting to touch my hair. I went on a date once and as soon as we walked into our destination I was pulled back by someone double fisting my hair(it took me 30 minutes to get it right before we went out). I’ve always said that its a violation of my personal space and was the equivalent of being groped. Keep your curiosity to yourself! I wonder what certain people look like naked, but that doesn’t mean I walk over and strip them down.
Perfectly stated! In reference to those who don’t approve of the flavor references…how else should she have said it? We aren’t actually colors after all, so calling us black or white is not accurate either. Furthermore, we are all such melting pots that unless you are first or second generation from Africa, African-American doesn’t work either, just as European-American, etc. wouldn’t be appropriate unless you were strictly of that descent and very recently at that. Regardless, her point is well stated. It’s just sad that people would actually try to touch someone’s hair because it was different. Geez!
I don’t take much issue as her referring to her baby as chocolate but that is because it is also my nick name so I think it’s kind of cute. I have been and will always be my moms chocolate baby. But I can also see why it would make some people uneasy.
I really do love this!!! I have seen plenty of children, some of them my childhood friends that grew up in environments that foster self hatred and I absolutely LOVE that she is trying to combat that no matter what color she is!!
This article was so well written. I do not have an issue with her referring to herself as vanilla and her daughter as chocolate. I am “Chocolate” with a biracial child and thats how I refer to myself and my son’s father. He is vanilla. I can relate to this because, before I started getting my son’s hair cut, he would come home with his hair looking weird and I would ask him about it. He would explain that the teacher or some child on the bus had touched it or even went so far as to comb it. I was a bit outraged at that. Since I started getting his hair cut pretty short, I no longer have this issue. But what if I would have had a girl. I cringe at the thought of others playing in her hair so well done on the part of this article’s writer.
Thank you so much for making sure your daughter not only knows her African roots but also demands that people respect her culture. I wish more White women took the initiative to understand how it feels to be a minority and teach young black women that they need to be proud of who they are without feeling the pressure to demean or hide who they are. I hope that you will continue to educate and empower her.
I’ve had to deal with this type of outrageous behaviour from otherwise educated white colleagues in the UK corporate world treating me this way. What says a child they feel they can outright pet without as much resistance/judgement.
Amazingly, they have no idea how patronising they come across. I’ve had to say to some “I’m a human being like you; I’m a different colour, not another species!”. Every hairstyle change resulted in more treatment of me as some type of zoo animal they were fascinated to have in their midst. The stress, humiliation, separation messages hidden in these ‘innocent’ curious approaches demonstrates the type of life-experience so many black people have had to endure, in the workplace alone.
She made a very strong point, I agree with everything this mother says, However we are not ice cream flavors or Hershey bars… We’re people not flavors…IJS 🙂
She does refer to white people as Vanilla also though. Not that it makes it okay, and I still kind of cringe whenever I read “Chocolate.” It is kind of her blog theme/title.
Meh, as a black woman, I think flavors makes it all sound less bloody SERIOUS, what’s the big deal? Black and white are so stark. People LOVE flavors. Stop tripping, folks.
OMG!! I love her blog! Its so amazing and cute and I her daughters hair iTs AMAZING!!
I love this and so glad that she wrote this letter and put it out there! I went to a all white school from 1994-1998. My natural hair in twist or braids made others not want to befriend me. Because I didn’t come to class with wet straight hair, because I didn’t wash it every morning, my moisturized twist & braids made them think my hair was greasy therefore I was dirty. A shower is not a shower if you didn’t wash your hair. How do you shower? they would always ask me. I began to change my hair so I won’t distract class or other students. I didn’t get a perm I did a blow out and slicked my hair into a bun every single day for 3 years. My teacher made a comment to my parents saying “not a strand out of place”. Yet my hair in a white environment at a young age is traumatizing and can alter ones self worth. Now today all they want to do is TOUCH IT! Wow how times have changed.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/5thgrade1019.jpg[/img]
Well stated.
She made excellent points. No one, especially a child, should ever feel violated or dehumanized to satisfy someone’s audacious curiosity. It’s essentially emotional abuse.
I am aware that this is a continuing issue, although I have never experienced it in that manner. The only people who have reached out to touch my hair without asking are other Black males. They do it out of admiration and awe so I don’t take it as anything negative. I think it’s a learning experience for them. Natural hair is beautiful.
Again, this is just my personal experience and I am not downplaying anyone else’s.
[img]https://bglh-marketplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/beebyherself.jpg[/img]
I am seriously squicked by the idea of men of any sort touching any part of women without being invited. Too many approach with “ownership” where they have no right to it. There has been quite enough of that — only I own me. Agreement with all the rest, and your picture is BEAUTIFUL. Glorious smile!
Not too big of a fan of the “chocolate” references, as in my opinion it kind of goes hand in hand with the pet thing she says she is against. HOWEVER, I won’t let that detract from how EXCELLENT an article this is and how much I think this woman ROCKS!! I wish ALL adoptive parents were like her. You really do have to put in more effort with kids of different races and I am glad she sees that. I hope it reaches as much of the white population as possible to explain how dehumanizing it is to be pet and made to feel like an other worldly creature. I mean, we’ve been saying it for years and folks thought we were we just being sensitive, so maybe coming from a white woman the point will get across. Great job Rory!!
I believe it is HER daughter as she made the reference to be pregnant…but then I could be wrong
I am not sure if the chocolate term is used elsewhere or she just made it up. But I think the reference is perfect, especially for a child trying to understand why her hair is different from her mother. I mean kids would be overjoyed and satisfied with the explanation about having “chocolate” hair rather than “vanilla” coz kids love chocolate!!! 🙂
It also makes me feel nice about being brown 🙂
Eloquently stated, sensitive and insightful, words all we can life with and live by.
I think Rory makes some great points in the letter.
The last person that went for a touch in my hair got verbally shredded.
The truth of the matter is none black people “got questions” and they find it easy to figure stuff out of children because they are less likely to buck and tell them to “pound sand”.
I have seen it for myself, she is not making this up. Bottom line here is keep your hands to yourself, don’t go around touching people big or small that your don’t know. It’s not ok, the world is not your petting zoo.
Why are people going in on this lady but Cheryl Underwood’s negativity is largely untouched. Refocus people. See the article on the BGLH homepage.
I’ve been to your website and you put so much effort and love into your daughter’s hair and emotional well-being. I love your pics. I applaud you for teaching Boo about personal boundaries…so many of our young daughters need to understand there are lines to draw and boundaries to create to make sure people keep their hands at bay anywhere on their bodies.
You are a wonderful mother to do that I know many black mothers that wont deal with their child’s natural hair so the children never learn how either. They go to shops to have their child’s hair done or use perms and believe me (I know from experiance) child perms are stronger than many for adults (perms were traumatic for me).
Anyway that’s ridiculous for people to think that they can just touch you daughter like she’s some exotic creature instead of a little girl with boundaries. It’s very upsetting when adults don’t treat children like they are human beings with feelings and minds of their own. No mater how young a child people should apply some type of respect. If you daughter doesn’t want to be touched they should understand. Nobody wants people to touch over them all the time and sometimes asking is just as bad. People need to learn control and just say “I like your hair” and leave it at that. That teacher should truly be ashamed because she should know this and be teaching it to the children. When I was in school no matter how cute or differently styled someones hair was we were told to keep hands to ourselves.
This is such a lovely article and very well written!!!
The writer of this piece did such an excellent job, not just concerning the sentiments of the article but also in how articulate and clear she was…she writes like a true professional…..
I appreciate this article, its always good to hear other perspectives! I have two mix race kids, one boy one girl, both with beautiful hair. People often ask to touch their hair, they usually come up and say how beautiful their hair is and they usually say to me “I just wish I could touch it” I tell them they are welcome to ask my child. Most often they don’t, they seem to feel strange asking so they just look. Maybe I’m alone in this, but I think most of the time people are truly curious about others, I know that’s true for me. If someone is from another country I want to know more, what’s it like, what language do they speak, etc… if someone practices a religion I’m unfamiliar with I want to know more, if someone is a quadriplegic I want to know what that’s like for them, how do they navigate life? I think its ok to want to know more, to understand, rather than pretend we have no differences, I think we should try to learn more! Yes we are all human, but we all have different experiences, so why not be curious? For many people, touching is the best way to learn, if someone is thinking “I wonder what their hair feels like?”I don’t think its wrong to ask. I do however agree that they should ask, and it is absolutely ok to say no.
Just my opinion.
This is well said and lovely. I have been recently bothered by people (friends, family, teachers, strangers) petting my nearly-bald 1.5 year old’s head, I assume because she looks a bit like a little baby or it’s cute. With race curiosity not being a factor (as there isn’t really much of her thin, translucent blondish hair TO touch), I haven’t been able to put my finger on why this bothers me so much, but as I was reading this I came to realize that it’s because when she was a baby, it was fine: people touch baby’s little soft, sweet, baby smell-having head. Now that she’s a toddler with a messy face half the time and a penchant for breaking things, and something of a dirt and reclaimed trash connoisseur (she is the cutest super gross thing you’ll ever see), she’s starting to become more of her own person, and seeing people “pet” her feels a bit (and of course unintentionally) dehumanizing. My answer is a little simpler though: I just tell the head grabbers, “I’d watch out. You never know where that’s been.” They laugh, keep touching, and I look them dead in the eyes and flatly reiterate, “No, really.” 🙂
Cute story. I like it
It’s perfect. It’s absolutely perfect. I remember growing kids wanted to touch my hair and I would get annoyed and say no. They’d say “what’s the big deal I don’t care if you touch mine?” And they would proceed to touch it as I slapped them… It was a process but they finally got it by the third grade or so.
OMG thats my FaceBook Friend!!! That was sooo well put. I am sharing this article now. Very well said!
This is so true. Unfortunatela I don’t really get this chocolate and vanilla thing. I always hated to be compared to all kinds of chocolate desserts by my all white family, classmates, teachers and neighbours. I never had the idea to compare their skin colours with cheese or raw chicken.
Ye Gods. I thought the ‘chocolate’ and ‘vanilla’ was LOVELY- the prettiest way of putting it. Because at the end of the day, skin colour is trivial. It really is, I mean think about it! We’re all people! I loved the way she used the flavours to describe it, because to me, that’s true to what we really are as a human beings: simply different flavours of the same substance. No need to get into ridiculous semantics, at the end of the day, this is a mother that loves her child and wants to make sure she receives the respect from others that she deserves when her mama isn’t able to be there. That she does these styles herself and with such care and dedication shows just how much she loves her little girl- my mother did no less for me, and if you want to be specific, my mother is caramel and I am milk chocolate. <3
To be fair Mitzi is talking about real feelings and how being called after food affected her so no one should make light of that, she is expressing her experience on a subject on which she has first hand experience. I did enjoy the piece and also understood where the author was coming from but calling her daughter chocolate? Pretty it may be but where is the dignity in that? With all due respects Rory cant have it both ways. She has a beautiful black child so why not simply say it like it is. It is political correctness going crazy. In schools they want children to know the proper names for their “private parts” so why not have the child growing up and celebrating her beautiful race. The piece is great, but its references to chocolate and vanilla reads more like a badly written children’s’ book than an article written for adults. At the end of the day, we do not know how this child is going to feel when she reaches young adulthood and reads of herself being referred to as a piece of food and not a person. I dont feel either Mitzi nor naturalgrl were being particularly pedantic but making a valid point on what brought down the tone (even a little) on such an important and touching subject matter.
But I bet if the mother had referred to her as “my black daughter” people would be offended to. They would ask, “Why can’t she just be referred to as HER daughter, why does she have to point out that she is black?”
What I am trying to point out is that people will see the wrong in small details without looking at the whole picture. There should be a line drawn when people should not weep over small things.
Besides isn’t she her skin similar to chocolate than it is closer to the actual color of black? Or when we go to the mall and instead of saying the pants are light brown we say, “camel” “tan” “khaki” they are all synonyms. So I definitely don’t see why she should be upset.
that was the most eloquent statement i’ve ever read on the subject. i am biracial (read: light-skinned black woman) and both races were so intrigued with my hair as a child that i just let them put their hands in my hair. it caused a lot of confusion within me, and you put into words just how i felt – my private space had been invaded. thank you for being an awesome mom, i wish my Caucasian mother could’ve stuck around and been as strong as you.
First of all, I would like to say, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You,….For making such a true statement. As an African American, all my life I have experienced people of other races being intrigued with Afro-textured hair, And I have no problem with that. However, when people take it upon themselves to want to touch or pet my hair like I’m some type of animal, or even go as far as asking me if my hair is “real”, I too find it equally as offensive. People actually appear to be insulted when you tell them, “No, you cannot touch my hair”,… Thank you for bringing this annoying action to people’s attention. When people of color are offended by obviously offensive behavior, we are accused of being “too sensitive”. I applaud the fact that you are able to tactfully address people’s ill-mannered actions, and possible give people something to think about.
There’s one way to quickly cure that, if they touch your hair, touch their hair back in return , i mean really get in there, then and only then — will they get the point. Then if someone is sensitive, I guess that we will be both sensitive together, because believe me i will not be the only one going home feeling violated. It’s one thing when kids do it to kids, because you expect a certain level of behaviour from kids, but it’s quite another thing when grown people do it, grown clueless people.
Wow great article, big up 2 u caring mama!
It touches my heart to see how one person can be changed at a time.
Beautiful article by a mom with wonderful empathy for her child.
Umm…she’s also not a food. What’s with the vanilla and chocolate nonsense?
Why ignore the more important parts of the letter to highlight something so trivial?
omg shutup stop being so sensitive!!!
Hey Lina. I actually think it’s kinda cute that she refers to her child as “chocolate” and herself as “vanilla”. I know that some parents do this to prevent the children from seeing the difference in ethnicity. You know, to keep the innocence. Look at it like this, children love ice cream right? At a young age the flavor chocolate and vanilla are different but because they are both ice cream flavors, the child is liable to eat both of those flavors. The flavor no longer matters because it’s still ice cream at the end of the day. With her calling her daughter chocolate and calling herself vanilla, the child senses a difference but the fact that they’re both human , those differences don’t matter. Not to mention this is a mother daughter relationship so differences also go out the window because of the title.
the terminology is in reference to the name of the website she contributed the post to. please re-read the intro. i knew it wouldn’t take long for an ignorant comment.
I am on the lookout for the site with the very best odds.
Love the letter, could put no better. Simply great!
Excellent letter and well done. I have twin granddaughters who are of mixed parentage and it never fails that someone will want to “touch” their hair. I politely tell them no and they have been told to do the same.
I really liked this letter and really like how she put a sweet spin on race
Excellent piece. Well done, vanilla mama.
Omg. What a fantastic letter. I remember being the child having my hair touched after a new hairstyle was plaited on my head. It was very uncomfortable and I was a shy child so I thought it was easier to let them touch my hair than say no.
I now have a daughter who is very confident but she too at a young age has experienced the “hair touching, ahhhs”, it’s just not on.
This letter was beautifully written and to the point. Anyone that takes offence must be a “hair toucher without asking” perpetrator.
Well done protect your blessing.
OMG! That was so beautifully put, and eloquently written. Bravo to that mom. -)
I totally agree with you here. I used to get so ticked when I was out with my oldest daughter (she is 31 now) and old white ladies would be going “Oh did you do her hair,?!How wonderful you learned how to do her hair!” How ridiculous was that for them to say! Like I didn’t know how to braid hair before I had her! And I so well remember how people would want to touch all of my kids’s hair cuz I have 6 kids. My twin boys I would cornrow their hair from when they were little til I cut their hair when they were about 4 yrs. Everybody was like “what cute little girls!”. Make me wanna scream LOL.
But yeah grown folks need to learn “personal boundaries” and personal space distance. They think mixie kids are fair game and I even remember when I was little that people would love to play with my hair, kids and grownups. Sometimes it was ok and other times it was not ok cuz I was not in the mood. But some people can be very overbearing and pushy.
Enjoy being with your baby and doing her hair cuz soon she will big enough that she is gonna want to do her hair BY HERSELF and don’t need mommie LOL. They grown up so fast and then they are grown and gone.
Im not sure why I geared up when I read this??? So eloquently put.
wow your daughter is so beautiful God bless.
Why is the child black?
is she adopted?
I am absolutely baffled by the amount of ignorant comments that some of these people are leaving. Stop being so literal and closed minded about everything. Why does it matter what this woman calls her child? I am very inspired by her and her blog. The lady who made the comment about this article being on other sites that are not geared towards black individuals… REALLY LADY?? That’s what you got from her loving,insightful,informational article?? I’m speechless by the stupidity. Thank you Rory, You are an awesome Mommy!
SO on point. Even as a grown woman whose hair has been natural most of my life…I can’t seem to get people out of my hair. From twist to locks – to a full blown afro….yes, its beautiful, we know this already. 🙂 I’m not sure why others are still so amazed.
Love it! Kudos to mommy for teaching her daughter that her hair is an extension of her body. I never had strangers touch my hair as a child, but they would rub my arms & sometimes touch my face, because my skin was so clear and smooth. I remember my step grandmother doing it when I first moved to MS at age 7. For years, mostly people of my one race, would just come up and rub on my arms and attempt to touch my face and ask, “are YOU wearing makeup.” my mom would say “No, she’s 11!”
It’s true that children will question the “lone” and not those who cross it in our culture, if they aren’t made aware that they are indeed empowered and right to say “NO” to unwanted touching and attention. Being yourself isn’t “asking for it” in any case. Thanks for sharing this.
Rory great Job with your expressions! We should have more parents standing up and speaking out for Children’s rights. These incidents are often perpetrated on children because adults often feel that children have no rights, feelings, space, or say for their own well being just because they are children; well if we don’t teach them how to protect themselves, who will? Love for self often starts in the home. How will a child know to defend her/himself if we allow such simple offensive violating behavior to continue? Back in the day, young boys use to be greeted by a rub on the head from adults, many young children learn to let their guard down from this touch which gave a false sense of security, now look at the cases of the many young men who have been violated by adult at an early age in life. Is that violation related to these young men being taking advantage of and having their innocence stolen from them..well hey, my feelings are that you never know???
I was on the elevator after a doctor’s appointment one day along with a white woman. She asked about my hair and volunteered her birthplace as South Africa. Okay … so why did she step toward me with her hand outstretched and reaching to touch my locs?! I put my hand up to block hers and sternly said, “Don’t … touch … my … hair!” She got the message from this USA Black woman and backed all the way up. That was the best thing for her to do. Somebody in South Africa may go for that, but not me. Not here. Not ever!
Interesting! I’m glad to see/read that perspective. She is so right. I’ve noticed that even as a black mom with black children; people feel entitled to touch my children… Hug them, caress their hair or run their hands along their face. She’s right, it is a violation and we need to teach our children that overall. As it concerns “chocolate hair and vanilla care” (love that!), how beautiful to see how lovingly she’s teaching her daughter about her hair.
Ha! Love this article.
When I was about 3 or 4, my mom dragged a lady out of the store by her hair (yes, way too violently but my mom has very little patience). The lady kept touching my hair, I was behind my mother on a long line & I of course felt uncomfortable, told my mom & started crying. I am my mother’s only child so out of pure instinct her first thought was that someone was hurting me. She was still upset to find out that a strange lady was playing with my hair.
I loved this article- not so much about the hair touching, but the fact that this woman took the time to really learn to care for her child’s hair! As a mixed kid with a Hawaiian mother, my mom knew nothing about kinky hair. But she didn’t want my sisters and I walking around with dry, knotty hair so she learned how to braid. Sometimes, I wish the internet was more popular back then so she could’ve connected with other women like Rory. Ah well, my mom is/was a beast. She did it on her own! Much respect to my mom, Rory and all the other women (and men) who weren’t raised in the black community for going above and beyond to make sure their children have healthy hair.
Couldn’t have said it better myself! What wonderful articulation.
“White Mother’s Opinion on Touching Daughter’s Natural Hair” is a wonderfully written and completely informative article that explains and expresses every point of why everyone should understand and respect the rights and personal space of each and everyone, and most assuredly our children!!!
Think, pause, breathe, would you want what you are about to do to someone else to be done to you???!!!
I totally agree I have a little boy that looks mixed but is completly black and everyone down to so asian lady at a resurtant thinks it’s ok to touch his soft curls and rub up on him (umm hell no it aint ok) I try my best not to be rude abd tell them to back off my baby he’s only 3 months but I have to get loud and N!$$@rish sometimes. First of all don’t touch me or my son you have GERMS! I don’t care if you just washed your hands if your not at my house visiting don’t touch my baby he’s still “fresh” and CAN get deathly ill from the wrong person touching him. Second stop acting like black ppl can’t have pretty babies without them being mixed (rudeass) AND hell no your rude ignoant ass can not touch him hold him or even look at him. I also suggest you learn how to keep your hands to yourself they teach you that in kindergarten. UGH!
Great read. I am in agreement that parents should teach their children to first and foremost respect themselves, specifically from others whom them to be different or unique because of something natural as hair. Check out new blog, strategy is everything, htttp://strategyiseverything.blogspot.com/ #FREE KNOWLEDGE. Follow me on Twitter @Hollywood1906
Bravo!!! Couldn’t have said it better myself. I am an adult I can take
the pawing. And sometimes I find it a bit irritating when people want to
finger through my braids and examine them. Once they realize my hair is not fake extensions, it’s home grown. And if they were fake extensions it would still be my hair, my business who wants to be pawed
constantly.
I have complimented people of all races on their hair. Whether it was
long, short or whatever texture I love hair period. And never once was
I tempted to touch anyone’s hair. I have eyes and I am not blind. Folks need to get a grip on themselves. Admire yes, touch NO!!.
Applause to the author, enjoyed and identified with this letter…we are not to be petted! Also, reading “Boo’s mama” on the end was just the icing on this righteous cake! Loved it!
To Rory – well said! I think this letter could be re-stated by anyone who believes in the importance of maintaining personal space and basic physical respect. This is just a great full-on argument which could apply in a lot of situations (including pregnant women, as mentioned by others).
I’m bookmarking this one. Thanks for posting this, BGLH!
Way to go Rory! I have been accused of being rude when I do no allow some stranger to touch my hair. Kudos to you for teaching your baby Boo to be strong.
I LOVE IT!! God bless you and your child. My little girl has waist length hair and people always feel that it somehow ok to just come into her space and touch her. IT IS NOT! I applaud you and I wish that other parents would take heed to the things you are saying and begin to empower their children.
oops made some typos -To the ones asking why the name boo-this is what I have to say to you. What’s wrong with the name boo? If we can name our kid lakeshia…snaneka or even a better one that I hear too frequently n—-er!!!!!!!! Boo would suit me fine. I hope the same comments are felt when they hear the word b—-h or n—-r when both of these words are said. The woman has a good article well said and I applaud her for that. Why can’t we just applaud the content behind the letter and not one part.
To the ones asking why the name boo-this is what I have to say to you. What’s wrong with the name boo? If we can name our kid lakeshia…snaneka or even a better one that I hear too frequently n—-er!!!!!!!! Boo would suit me fine. I hope the same comments are felt when they hear the word b—-h or n—-r when both of these words are said. The woman has a good article well send and I applaud her for that. Why can’t we just applaud the content behind the letter and not one part.
I loved it!!! I go to school in middle of nowhere Duluth and everytime I change my hairstyle I dread having to go to school! If I get braids oooooooo let me see can I touch it? which is usually not a question because they are already touching it as they are asking! If I get weave how did your hair grow so long overnight..touch….touch…not to mention the requests to please please please come to school with an afro one day. People might not realize this but these comments actually do affect people as innocent as they may sound. I’m not a pet at the zoo. I am a human being much like yourself and I do like my personal space!
It’s crazy how negative people can be. This woman wrote about a serious violation that a lot of us have experienced or witnessed and somehow they found themselves focused on the little girl’s nick name. Smh unreachable.
Oh Man…this is SO great!!! I love her blog anyway but this is over the top awesome!! I am the white mother of 3 brown skinned beauties…but somehow people leave my sons’s heads alone and feel the need to touch my 6 month old daughter’s hair…to which I have never been comfortable with. But this hit the nail on the head when she said because she is white, white people feel it is okay. This note has given me the boldness to say “we do not allow anyone to touch her hair out of respect, thank YOU!” the next time someone reaches out to touch her curls or pinch her puffs!
Loved the following the best:
“Do not tell me that if I didn’t want her touched that I shouldn’t be doing all these hairstyles that say “look at me, touch me.” Do not blame the victim for your indiscretion or lack of self control.”
Just great. Good for Ms. Rory and Boo is a blessed child.
**APPLAUSE**
You go head lady. Tell them. I know first hand about the curiousity. Long story short…I was standing in Burlington (a couple of years ago) just looking at some clothing on the racks and all of sudden I start to feel these cold fingers running up and down the rows of my scalp that were open between my cornrows that I had in. At first I was thinking it was my mother or that it just had to be somebody that I knew because no stranger is just gonna to walk up and help themselves to my hair. I turned around and who was it…some older white woman standing directly behind me with her fingers in my hair runninig up and down my scalp without my permission. Now I’m not a disrespectful kind of young person but let me tell you I was thinking some disrespectful things at the moment. They were all somewhere around the lines of,”Get yo’ fingers out of my hair. You could have asked me first Miss…” I undertsand the curiousity because when I was younger and had my first white friend we used to spend time not just playing together but sometimes we would have those moments where we just looked at each other and asked questions about each other out of curiousity. Then we would continue to play. I say all of this to say that I’m in agreement with the woman who wrote this. Ask first and if we say no don’t get your feelings hurt just keep on going about your buisness. I myself saw that the woman was intrigued by my hair that once I turned around and saw who it was I just walked away. I didn’t smack her hands out of my hair like I could have, curse her out like I could have(I’m not much of a curser anyway and that would have been disrespectful)nor did I loud talk her. She was in her own world admiring my hair so I walk away thinking, “I’m glad she didn’t pull on it at least…” That and some other things. I was in to much disbelief to come up with something appropiate to say at the moment so I just kept my mouth shut.
You make excellent points.
Great article! Well written, insightful and overdue!
Much love Rory! <3 Your daughter's hairstyles and hair are BEAUTIFUL(:
I Definitely love and can relate to this letter! I feel that Rory is doing a great job at teaching her daughter selfworth because in todays world so many don’t have it and don’t understand it! That little girl will grow up to be a smart and beautiful young woman because she has someone in her corner taking her down the right road!!! Even though I am an adult now I still have people that come up to me (some I know and some I don’t) that want to touch my hair without permission and want to feel and it drives me crazy because I try my best not to be disrespectful and come into anyones space without asking… and others feel like it is owed to them to be able to touch my hair (and especially now tht i’ve gone back natural).. Its something that i always had to deal with… but I also have ppl in my life who always said you don’t have to accept it just because someone says or wants you too!! So I say Kudos to you and good luck with everything~S~
I applaud Rory for her timely article. It’s obvious that she loves “Boo” dearly and has her best interests at heart. The part of the article that really jumped out at me is when people would approach her daughter saying,“Oooh, I’ve always wondered what their hair felt like” while pawing Boo’s hair.
ummm okay, I guess, but there are lots of other thoughts that are running through my head right now and none of them has to do with hair. whatever.
so you posted because…???
On Chocolate and Vanilla – I think this depends on where you come from and if this is used in your every day environment. I am outside the US and we do not tend to call each other by food names. Occasionally as a very small child, I would hear other children use terms like this to identify racial differences and not in a good way. I also don’t see why adults use these terms but to each his own. Just don’t expect to go around the globe and receive a warm reception when you refer to someone as clear, vanilla or chocolate and brown sugar.
Fabre: I think you are taking the title of her blog too seriously. I think the title and her reference to skin color is non threatening and almost whisical. Yes its food…I think its a clear representation of what her blog is about. it’s not about pudding or confections…soo ummmm.
I think Fabre is just saying that culturally, it can be offensive to some. My mother doesn’t like to be called red or high yellow, but some people wear it as a badge of honor. It doesn’t make it wrong or right, but excessing your opinion about what offends you should be ok. The Internet is global, not just in America.
*expressing…sorry.
Love this article.
Excellent. A very well-written letter. Now if only people will hear, get and receive the point.
This Mom rocks! Keep it real Rory! Your baby is blessed to have you advocate for her. Awesome piece of writing.
WOW! This is awesome. ^_^
I never saw a white woman hook up any child’s hair that good…especially a little black girls! I think what she is doing is amazing and it’s nice to see she really wants the girl to embrace herself even if her mom has different textured hair.
I’ve seen interracial families and many of them would resort to giving the black child a perm because they don’t want to put effort into teaching them to do their hair and love it.
NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT!
Well said but kinda misplaced…. Black folks are already aware. Did you also place this letter where non-Blacks can enlighten themselves? That would be the greater good……
She clearly posted this on her own blog where other races would read this and it was reposted here
I so feel you on this. When I was preggers I would tell people “no you can’t touch my stomach because this is not a petting zoo.” If they were rude enough to touch my child without asking then I would return the gestureand say “excuse me, I don’t know where your hands have been so please don’t touch my child.” I’ve not had the occasion to have them touch her hair but guaranteed, she will be taught that it is not okay for people to touch her ANYWHERE without her permission, this includes hugs, back rubs and hair.
Thank you so much for being a true parent. For teaching ur child about boundaries, and making other’s respect her’s. U have encouraged self worth and character in such a special and unique way. Its not a matter of her being “chocolate” as it is her being a child. Most people feel that children do not have rights, but u r teaching her that she does, and for that, Boo’s Mama, U ROCK!!!! Love the styles u create to make her as unique as possible.
I’ve got (yes, naturally gorgeous) thick red curls. When I was a toddler, old ladies in the grocery store would come up and touch it without permission thinking it was okay. Scared the crap out of me and then some. Your daughter will be grateful for this in 25 years, if not now.
Ms. Information has such a good point!
I am naturally curly hair, always have and have never realxed it. I can tell you I can not stand when a stranger reaches out for my hair or asks me if I have a weave!
As for my daughter I have not and will not have anyone touch her hair! Shes a baby under one, she is a little person, as well as who knows where these hands have been! Why do people feel that once you bring a child into this world,all filters of what is said and boundaries of what one does no longer exist.
My family is Ethiopian and my husband is West African(Ghana) therefore I carry my daugheter on my back;with a piece of cloth and countless white people have comments, stares and point thier fingers at us as if we are some type of show! So the question is it a race thing or pure ignorance?!
Ignorance always plays the fool for some people. I’m here in South Korea, and u see them with their babies on their backs as well…but do we stop and stare at them? No, I actually think it is a smart, convenient, cost effective way of carrying ur child. However, the majority of these simple minded people feel the need to stare at blacks, or foreigners for that matter(especially blacks) when we have braids or something else going on with our hair. Or have the nerve to believe u r dark because u can’t afford sunscreen (yeah they really believe this). They do all of this as if u r the first foreigner or black person to step a foot on their land…its disgustingly aggravating. So, it has nothing to do with color…just pure “d” ignorance.
You’re kidding about the sunscreen, right? Wow, I have never heard that one before. Racism isn’t my usual conclusion, but it is regarding that comment.
I had to reply. I am an Army brat and also in the Army myself. I am 2 years natural now. But this comment brought me back to a time I was in Korea. My mother live down in Daegu. I always have been told Asians were some of the smartest ppl; they are so far from. They are the most simple minded ppl I have ever come across in my life. I had micros while I was over there. One woman asked me outside one day if I was African while she proceeded to touch my head. And they can’t stand being dark, they walk around with umbrellas everywhere hiding from the sun. So when you are dark they just tend to stare. SMH. You just brought back some memories. But as for this article. I went out last night and displayed my natural hair for the first time in front of some of my Army friends for the first time ever (I always wear sew-ins). As soon as I walked in the door, hands went straight to my head. I was not really comfortable with it, but I guess ppl just don’t know any better.
thank you rory. that express so much what so many feel and have felt about their hair. its my body and please respect it.
Lol at ms information loll
Isn’t the REAL question why this child’s name is Boo?
I would hope that that is her nick name, but seeing that this lady is building character into her child’s mind and teaching her about respect…I would believe that she wouldn’t name her something that would degrade her. So, let’s hope its a pet name.
I’m assuming this mother does not want to give out her young daughter’s real name on the internet for any stranger to see, so that is surely a pseudonym…I have noticed that many mothers who run children’s haircare blogs only use an initial or a nick-name when referring to their children. I would do the same thing to protect my little one.
ummm okay, but her face is on the internet.
The child’s real name is Zoe. And @Tamm, I’m sure there is a pic on the internet of you somewhere. so what??? its not a way to find you so her pics obviously isn’t a way to find her. Boo is a name of endearment from the child’s mother. can we be happy this mom loves her child so much to do what she does? can she get some love???
MUCH LOVE TO RORY, Boo Mama!!!
THANK YOU, bee!
Rory does not call her daughter Boo to be mean, there is actually a very cute origin to the name Boo. Rory posted a video about it on her YoutTube page and I believe that she has a post on her blog about it as well. Here is the link to the video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwHGEy22kbo&list=UUe6m5gTzPHcHJPKErKw1K2w&index=8
sorry, wrong link. Here is the link again:
https://www.chocolatehairvanillacare.com/2012/04/why-we-call-her-boo-with-video.html
I REALLY don’t get these folx touching black folx’ hair like they’re on a carnival ride…. I need a t-shirt myself that says that: YOU CANNOT TOUCH MY HAIR W/O MY PERMISSION!!!
My hair is locced, and I had to hold back my nephew one time at the movies because some white woman came at me, hand outstretched and wanted to touch my hair….needless to say, we didn’t get arrested or kicked out, but she most definitely got a lesson in the master/slave dynamic that NO LONGER EXISTS!!!
You can get a shirt that says something similar.
https://www.zazzle.com/dont_dare_touch_my_hair_tshirt-235698318732514101
I don’t think this necessarily has anything to do with race. I think it has to do with the unfamiliar. And races are unfamiliar to each other.
My sister is white and has waist length dreads, and people are always trying to touch hers. And that includes black people.
I don’t think it’s a projection of ownership. I think it’s pure curiosity.
That doesn’t make it okay by any means, but I don’t think imputing race into the issue solves anything.
I think it’s a combination of the two. Our relationship in this country are at its base are of a racial nature. don’t be so afraid of that reality.for a country built upon racism, surely you can not think being unfamilar is not part of that.
100% agree, it is what it is,,,lol
+1
LOVE IT!!! May God continue to richly bless you!
It’s unbelievable how these commenters are tripping on a pet name a mother used for her child. Why? Is it because she is white and the child is black? Does this make her less of a mother to this child? How are these comments not laced is your own race issues? I (a black mother) have called my child (who is also black) chocolate drop many many times and if anyone has a problem with that, you are put on mute (i.e. I can’t hear you). There is nothing wrong with a “vanilla” parent loving their “chocolate” child, and no she does not need your permission to call her that. Chill Out.
It’s less of an issue with her pet names, and more of an issue with her very public blog name and the terms she’s using when speaking to a stranger (or the public) about her child. When having a discussion about race with someone (especially when dealing with a weighty issue), would you still use chocolate and vanilla instead of black and white? No, because that discussion is not cutesy, or meant to be taken lightly.
Most commentators probably don’t care what pet names she calls her child in private, especially since most people talk to their kids in “cute” manner which is typical. It’s more about the public discourse that is happening around a racial issue, such as in this case. The use of cutesy terms in this case only trivializes a matter that is supposed to be taken seriously.
I’m not going to get into all of the debate about chocolate vs vanilla, etc…. so….
Can I just say she has that little girl’s hair done so cute!!! I hate to see children walking around with their hair undone or in a style that is too grown for them. And especially when the parent is of a different race, it is nice to see that they either A- learned how to work with the child’s hair or B- found someone who could. And those puffs look like she kept her hair natural too!
Cute, neat, and age appropriate! I love it!!!
Thank you for writing this letter. I cannot tell you how many times people randomly come up to me out of nowhere and touch my hair. For example I”ll be at work in the break room relaxing listening to music when I feel hands that arent my own patting or touching my hair. And I’m so shocked that before I can say anything they quickly say “I always wanted to touch it” and run off. Like it is insane and what makes it worse sometimes is it is people of my own race African American. You have the same hair the only difference is texture unless you’ve put chemicals in it to alter its natural beauty. I am not a walking petting zoo and just because I have natural hair doesnt mean you can rumage through it as you feel.
Amen!
I’m a 48 yr old Black woman with hair that reaches the middle of my back (it used to touch my waist) and people have been touching my hair ALL my life. Some ask and some don’t. I realize Black women want to touch my hair because they’re simply not used to seeing a Black woman with natural hair as long as mine. As long as the person touching my hair is respectful and doesn’t pull my hair, I don’t mind having my hair touched. I view other people’s interest and fascination as a compliment. Having said that, I applaud this mother for teaching her daughter to love her natural hair. And, that she doesn’t owe it to anyone to allow them to invade her space by touching her hair. Comments about whether or not she’s adopted or the ills that plague Black society are better suited for another forum. This one is about H-A-I-R. How about we stick to THAT topic?
I assummed she used chocolate (and not black) ’cause it’s more descriptive and her daughter isnt just black…and vanilla is coordinating. Her daughter is little, her mom probably won’t be using cutesy terms when she’s 13 or something.
Her daughter isn’t black? Then what is she? She’s adopted, she isn’t her biological child.
And what? If you have children and understand the pure heart and work that goes into raising them, then you would never use that side eyed comment refering to biology. I am so taken back wih that. Is she raising this child? Then guess what chick, this women IS HER MOTHER TILL THE END OF TIME. NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK. There is no problem with her calling her child chocolate. I’m sure it’s not news to her that the child is black. Hell I would imagine people like you remind her more than often. I call my kid short stuff, chocolate drop, little girl, and whatever else pops into my head at the time. I wish a chick would…..let me stop. You have a blessed day.
Uhhh…not sure what your issue is – as said up thread I have no issue with calling her child that. I was responding to the other poster who said that the child was not just black, as some people thought that the blog author’s husband was black and her child is biracial. I was just clarifying that the child is black and is adopted. Please calm down, thanks. I liked the article and have stated that several times in these comments. So yes, you wish a chick would…what? Agree with you? Smh.
Oh my bad. Carry on.
Take a seat. Now.
What are you on about?? You seem to be responding to a comment that was not made.
Is today outrage day?
I think Jack was just referring to skin color in the literal sense.
I’m referring to where he said “her daughter isn’t just black,” (which imo infers she is another race in addition to black) not the part where he said it’s more descriptive. But you’re right, that’s why I asked – my question wasn’t meant to be sarcastic.
Well said. Kudos!
I cannot believe the comments on here. I am in an interacial relationship and I call my husband white chocolate. It’s really not that serious. And when I see a little adorable chocolate child I say look at that chocolate drop. I think of chocolate as being sweet and harmless. It’s not meant to be taken negatively at all. I also would rather that a good person adopt a child regardless of race. You don’t have to be black to give someone the love and tenderness they need. Love is love point blank period.
And so what if people are saying positive things about this mother? Why does it have to be about her being white? Why can’t it just be about her being a good mom standing up for her child? That deserves kudos regardless of race. It was an awesome letter, she seems like a decent individual, and her daughter is a beautiful chocolate drop.
It might work for you, it doesn’t have to work for all of us.
I never said it did and I could care less what works for another person. It does not play any part on the richness of my life. It’s just said that so many people have so much hate and resentment in their hearts that they focus on race of the mother more than what she is trying to say. Holding hate and resentment towards someone that has never done anything to me based on emotional hangups that were never resolved sure doesn’t work for me.
It seems to me you ARE emotionally invested in this topic. Your comments seem to indicate you do care. Some care about the adoption angle, others don’t; some care about the chocolate/vanilla angle, others don’t; some care about the Boo angle, others don’t. There is nothing for anyone else to understand or get regardless of what they call their significant other or not. It is all good. We are all entitled to our opinions and should not be belittled because you don’t understand it.
I don’t care who adopts as far as the person will be a great parent. My husband and I don’t feel the need to reference our color regularly. I would never name my child Boo. That you and Rory feel differently is not an indictment on my part.
@Emme,
It’s been explained several times in other comments that the child’s name is not Boo and that the author used that name to hide her daughter’s identity.
I find the disputes on here a little petty, yes I can understand how people can feel uncomfortable with the terms ‘chocolate’ and ‘vanilla’ but this mother meant absolutely no harm. And I agree with everyone else that feels that there is nothing wrong with Caucasians adopting African American children. Too often black children, especially in the US, get left behind. If a social worker (no matter their race or ethnicity) feels there is something wrong with someone adopting a child from a different race and that would it be detrimental to that child’s well being, then that person needs to seriously quit their job. I don’t understand how foster care is better than having a stable home.
I think this letter is awesome. She has touched on points from a child development point of view that I had never even thought of. For her to understand what we go through by viewing it through her child is a testament to her character as a mother and a person in general. I think we get too caught up in labels. White people aren’t caught up in these labels…WE are. We are the ones that constantly add weight to words like chocolate or vanilla. Calm down people. Seriously.
LOVE! Linking to FB for sure.
Lighten up, Frances.
Please have her send this to CNN. That is all.
I agree! I read an article on CNN and its corresponding comments and believe me…some people just don’t get it! This letter hit the nail directly on the head.
I’m a “hugger” naturally,you know I stay in hot water! I don’t go after children who are not related,but I’ve stroked all of my 6 Grandchilren’s heads to soothe them and rock them to feel calm. Some of my Grands like it some do not. Even my children are divided on this my daughter hates being “touched” or “petted” as she says my son loves every touch,hug and kiss he can get. Just different strokes for different folks. When I hug a person its to soothe them and if I feel any tenseness I do not repeat it and aplogise for doing it.I never thought of holding someone to let them know I acknowledge them as a human and in good touch vs. bad was not p.c. I guess I’m not too old to learn.
I love this post simply because I have a son with curly hair that he inherited from his dad. We’re stationed in Germany now and all the white people always want to pet him and I hate it. I don’t like to seem rude but it’s so annoying to see your kids being petted like they’re animals simply because of their hair. I mean really it’s hair go pet yourself if it’s that serious.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this. Go mamma bear!
yawn…
then take a nap
LOL!!!!! Touche’
Sorry I had technical problems with my comment above. I hoe it’s readable
How I deal with disrespect. Take note.
Examples 1) A relative of mine that never wears her natural texture, doesn’t like my medium length, 75% gray, 4Z afro (suggesting that I am held down and dyed,etc) put her hand in my hair and pulled to do a length test and to feel my hair
I did the exact same thing to her immediately.
She never did it again.
Ladies give those bitches a taste of there own medicine. Actually, this goes to anyone. If someone ask you an insulting stupid question, return the favor.
Also there is nothing wrong with a loving, responsible sane adult giving any child a home.
Solution: I told her, Why don’t she take scissors and cut her back length off?
Her reply: But you look nice like that and I don’t.
Me: Have you ever had hair that short since you were a baby
She: No
Me: Well how would you know so many years later that you would not look right with it. You should cut off all your hair!
Solution: She never brought it up again.
Conclusion: Give the bitches a taste of their own medicine. This goes for any one.
+1
Beautifully put. I went through the same thing as a child and have had to teach my daughters how to handle it too. Your daughter is blessed to have you as a mum.
My youtube video on the girlsloveyourcurls channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/GirlsLoveYourCurls#p/u/12/IB9idPI0KHs
it makes light of my experience with ‘hair touching’ :o).
I loved the article, not because it came from a “white” person for a validation reference as someone mentioned because she highlighted something else that I have NEVER seen in reference to natural hair, which is by setting the protocol for what is and is not acceptable for curiosity ot etc sakes when it comes to her daughter’s body, that in return, her daughter will respect it as she grows up, and not allow simple things to mandate what and who can have access to her body, as she is being taught that through something as simple as hair care. Also someone mentioned that her mom is not respecting her privacy by having her image on the internet. If we saw this child with her mother with relaxed damaged dried out and broken hair with no edges, or some matted afro with a head band, we would shout abuse, and how she is tearing up this childs self esteem, and she isn’t loving her because she can’t even love her hair, what she has done in return is use her experience to teach other vanilla mothers about chocolate hair, so they won’t run out and by a kiddie perm and destroy something so cherished and beautiful. Plus a child growing up in a home where everyone else is white and your black, describing people like sweet flavors is much better than using words like black hair, when chocolate hair sounds so much better to a childs ears, let’s encourage anyone who wants any child to have self worth, dignity and self acceptance of who God made them to be, regardless of skin color.
I am glad to see a vanilla mother actually combing her chocolate daughter’s hair. I have seen celebrities such as Heidi Klum, who seems not know how to brush nor comb her children’s hair. So, I am happy to see a women who is making sure she looks nice. And I applaude this mother for standing up for her daughter. She doesn’t want people to touch her daughter’s hair. I think she worded this letter in an articulate manner. I love it!!!!! Kudos to her mother.
Lol, right? Nothing wrong at all with interracial families, cross-racial adoption and what-have-you, as long as the children are cared for properly. Funny, there are tons who learn to care for kinky curly hair as a matter of course, but we usually hear about the ones who don’t. Maybe this mama should teach hair classes?
WOW…what a wonderfully written letter….bravo!
This was an interesting article. I have to commend the mother for doing her homework on black hair. I have my reservations about her speaking on Boo’s privacy when it comes to hair while having her daughters pics on the net for all to see. I don’t think Boo is being given a choice as to whether she wants her image displayed for the world. This is just my humble opinion which might be biased due to our history of exploitation at the hands of Europeans. I hope Boo is learning about Black history and not just American slavery but our rich African ancestry. One day she’s grow up and have a natural desire to connect with her people. Her mother needs to prepare her for that as well.
It very well might be biased considering how many black mothers also plaster their kids images over the internet. Curly Nikki and Beads, Braids and Beyond are just two websites that come to mind initially.
What rich african ancestry? Are you african? do you know how to make any african meals? Have you been to the continent?? I HATE the whole “hopefully they are educationg our babies on our rich African ancestry… thats silly it doesn´t exist.
To you?
The letter was a bit long. But endearing and thoughtful. As for the adoption issues many people posted, Who cares what race adopts black children, as long as they are being adopted and given a better life. I have to say, that many every single one of my adopted friends are highly educated. Some of them have white parents, some have parents of other races, including black. The common factor is their parents were all professionals who adopted because they wanted to give children a better life. So if a white mother is gonna give her black adopted child a better life, a easier life, an education and most of all LOVE and ENCOURAGEMENT, I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. We need to get over this race thing. Since when does having natural hair promote hatred of other races. I know this country was built on racism but why perpetuate it? Let it die and spend your time making the world a better place than you found it. God Bless.
Love this!!! Glad there are good mothers out there .. especially multicultural mothers.
Fantastic letter. I’m lucky. I’ve never really had that problem even when I had a huge afro back in the day…of course back in the late 60s-70s, people still had some degree of manners. They would ask to touch my hair & I’d say OK. Nowdays bad behavior & inappropriate language by both adults & kids are spotlighted & glorified in pop culture.
I love this artilcle!! This is exactly how I felt growing up and even now..My daughter is mixed and people love to try to touch her face and hair, and being the mama bear I am I let them know don’t touch my child!! They look at me with a bewildered look and I look them straight in thier eyes…Do not touch my child, I teach her about strangers and how it’s NOT okay for people to touch you…I feel it’s rude and classless for a grown person to touch a kid they don’t know anyways…It is equally rude that before I went natural and I was still relaxing, people would put their hands in my hair to see if I had weave o.O Baybee nothing but the blood, because my first reaction is to slap the ish out of them…
I’m glad this “vanilla care” mom can say what many “chocolate care” moms have been saying FOR YEARS and be so well received. Hrm. Well written, articulate, true to a T. But it’s a shame that no one has taken black mothers seriously and that this mother is being haled. Just playing devil’s advocate. But her daughter is beautiful and I can definitely admire that she’s teaching her daughter self pride.
Oh my lord, the hands I have had in my head! And it IS kinda awkward. As a kid or an adult. People were always touching my hair when I was little. When I was locked, people wanted to touch them.. Now as a loose natural, people STILL WANT TO TOUCH IT!!! I know people are curious about “different” types of hair but some control is a MUST! Just pouncing on someone’s head is just rude. LoL! Still, I see why people do it.
Jen
Love the mother’s letter, but tired of white folks adopting our children.
@ Indeed – if you are tired of white folks adopting our children then you should adopt if you haven’t already and encourage our community to do the same. Thank God this little girl has a mother that cares and loves her. She could be in foster care…
Thank you Jas! My words exactly….
I totally agree, if we don’t want “them” adopting us we need to do better by us, by our children, by our communities. I think that any mother/family is better than foster care or the streets, and obviously this mother has done the best a white person can do (let’s face it these issues are hard enough for many black people to get straight in their heads), so let us look at the bigger picture of blacks taking care of their communities better, of society as a whole getting healtheir, of the foster care system and how messed up it is, at how black people should and could be doing more to pull each other up–rather than attacking any individual who is well meaning…yes possibly misguided..but still well meaning. it is bigger than this one who who was trying to do the right thing..how many black people don’t even try…let’s be real. and yes some of us are so down and out we dont even know where to begin…but a lot of us get educated, get rich, and turn our backs on the rest of our people/our communities.
I agree 100%.If black folks don’t step up in large enough numbers to adopt these kids,then let there be transracial adoptions.Kids need a loving family no matter what color. White folks can & do raise black kids…both biological & adopted…. & do a good job.Prime example….PRESIDENT OBAMA !!!
+1
I agree with you Indeed… I am tired of it too… I don’t have kids, and my plan is to adopt whether I ever get married and have kids or not. But that speaks to a bigger issue in our community that young ladies and women today are so damn loose with their vaginas that if the kids ain’t getting aborted then we are just giving them away… we need more proper birth control methods in our community. Funny how white and asian babies are never available for adoption and everybody else’s kids are flooding the foster care system. I have yet to see a black couple or person walking around with a white baby that they aren’t being paid to care for…its a damn shame. And we as a people ought to be shamed… so many died being stolen here and we have the nerve to just throw away our seeds like trash.
AMEN!
so from this comment, I gather…you think this little girl would be better off having never been conceived than she is now, alive and beautiful and being raised by a mother who loves her? That’s so sad. Here we have a mother who wanted to adopt a child and turned to the many black children in need of homes in this country instead of looking for a white or asian child overseas because, lucky for “boo”, her mom WASNT completely turned off by the ignorant reactions she knew she would get from most people in this country (of every color).
You’re right that there are lots more black children up for adoption in the US than there are white or asian children, but it’s not because we’re the only ones who give our kids up; it’s also because we don’t do much adoption, and our kids are often the last ones people in other communities want to adopt. Comments like yours and Indeed’s are so counter-productive; tired of white folks adopting “our” children? Whose child was she when she had no home and no parents? Where were you or I then? Do you think there were black families beating down the door to adopt this little girl, but some racist social worker gave her to the white woman instead? PLEASE. A child did not have a home, and now she does. Now she is loved. And that is a reason to rejoice. If it also inspires you to do your own adopting, that’s even more beautiful; I plan to do the same. But our acts don’t need to undermine and belittle the act of love that happened here; they add to it.
and (2) I’m just curious why women’s loose vaginas are the sole culprit of this black baby surplus you complain about, when I’m pretty sure each of those women needed the cooperation of an equally loose penis to get pregnant in the first place. As long as we act like the “problem” of unplanned pregnancy can be solved by addressing just half of the equation, we’re gonna be stuck in the same spot. I think the whole “men are gonna be men, but women have to aspire to a higher standard and resist” argument is pretty tired and should be laid to rest.
There are lots of social, cultural and economic reasons why our “unplanned” children end up without homes so much more often than the “unplanned” children of other people…and that’s worth talking about and working on and taking personal action to change. But we gotta start from a place that considers the whole picture, respects love and doesn’t see a happy child as anything other than a success.
@justme
I couldn’t have said it better 🙂
@ Just me- Perfectly stated 🙂
I agree with your overall point, but I want to correct a misperception that black folks don’t adopt. The number of black children in the system would be much more if not for the many black family members that step in to take kids before they get there. Also black people adopt and foster black children more than any other group.
This seems to be one of the lines of thinking that keep going despite evidence to the contrary.
Thanks a lot for that info, Emme. It’s very good and encouraging to hear. Do you know a good place to find stats on that? I’d love to be able to enlighten other people (the way you have enlightened me) and a source always makes that easier.
I need to dig it up. I will use this week and the weekend to find it. It was one of those articles you read and are pleased about, but forget to save. It seems so intuitive I felt stupid not knowing it. Of course, black people foster and adopt black children at higher numbers than any group. I think the article specifically mentioned the high numbers of black grandmothers that take in their grandkids. I’ll dig for it.
[Another article/data I need to post is the one that showed black people (black immigrants specifically) are the most educated group in America. Yup, believe it or not black folks have a high percentage of educated people than even Asian immigrants and Asians. All the people on this thread willing to jump on black people as the worst people in this world will be shocked to know this. https://www.jstor.org/pss/2963153%5D.
Slaps @justme a high five! People try to make things so “black and white” (no pun intended). Open up your minds and your hearts and look at the big picture here. This child’s mother appears to be doing a damn good job!
THANK YOU!
“I’m just curious why women’s loose vaginas are the sole culprit of this black baby surplus you complain about, when I’m pretty sure each of those women needed the cooperation of an equally loose penis to get pregnant in the first place.”
Loose vaginas and penises!! Oh my. LOL.
Wow justme… really well said. I agree with every point you made. Especially about “our” children and not being there when she was available for adoption.
Paige,
I wish people would stop being PC about this. What do you think the reaction would be if Black folks starting adopting white kids en masse? Do you even think it would be allowed!?
Did you know until the late 1970s it was advised that whites not adopt black kids due to the psychological and emotional consequences? Many African-American psychologists and social workers have not changed that professional opinion, even in 2011. These white parents often have no black friends or relatives, nary a clue about the African American experience. They receive no training and just may do a smidgen of research – and then they bring home a black child under the belief they are equipped to rear it with all the challenges we face in this society? I know one white woman with a black son; she says she’s not worried about the racial implications he may face later because today most people think he’s “just biracial because he has curly hair.”
Really?
Another white woman at my gym parades her adopted black daughter around like a toy dog, letting everyone pet her and play in her hair. She saunters around the place for no good reason, child in tow, silently seeking looks and curiousity and interest.
Sick.
Did you know white Europeans used to buy black children and keep them as “pets” in the 1400s-1600s? It was all the rage then, as it has become now. This whole movement is so reminiscent of it, and I just cannot get with it.
As for me, I already have my own biological kids. BUT I have been thinking about and looking into adoption seriously lately.
What a sick and fractured people we must be to reproduce and there is not even a relative, a kinship provider, who will step in to keep our kids! That they just wind up in the system, aging out, or in white people’s homes. How sick that we no longer blink at nearly 80 percent of black kids being born to single mothers, scared to call people on their poor choices, because it’s not politically correct?
It has nothing to do with being politically correct, but everything to do with putting your money where your mouth is. Your whole argument is pointless!!! Until we fix the broken in our communities that resulted in these kids ending up in the system (which I can guarrantee you is cruel and has no soul), then we should embrace anyone who is willing to give them a home. Should we correct them when they err? yes, but let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water.
@EG, I concur.
@Indeed you get no credit for considering adoption because there are people who are actually doing it. Your argument does not pertain to this mother writing the open letter. Secondly, this mother does not want her child treated like a pet and care for her and wants her to appreciate her natural beauty unlike the Europeans you reference from the 1600s.
Why are some of us so bent on denigrating the black community?
Yes, there are some serious problems within our community, but has anyone seen Jerry Springer, Dr. Phil, or Maury? I see the exact same problems across “White”, “Black”,”Pacific Islander”, “Native American” and “Hispanic/Latino” communities. And if pop culture is not your thing, just check the U.S.Census community surveys or any government or non-profit population data set. Talk about poor choices- but as all things, we must put these “poor choices” in the proper socioeconomic-historical context. Furthermore, poor choices are often a part of life-some rebound and some don’t. I certainly know and am not ashamed to admit I’ve made plenty of bad choices! Lawd knows I have!!! The difference is, I had the social support, finacial means, education, and self-worth to bounce back. You’ve never heard the saying “If not for the Grace of God there goes me?”
We may have these extra hurdles owing to these protracted and damaging stupid classifications of “race”, but let’s not get it twisted.
My family is made up of many black adopted children. I work with black communities and black individuals who are out their pounding the pavement advocating, educating, and loving our people.
Sadly what I think the problem is, is that many Black Americans have swallowed the racist stereotypes and bull crap that so many other non-blacks may believe. I know it’s hard for many to unchain themselves considering our eurocentric educational system and society, but we are not just what you see on the news or what one may see from a finite perspective.
For example, Black men who have had children in a marriage and are now divorced spend more time with their offspring than white males. Blacks are also more likely to adopt or care for a familial offspring and are even more likely to welcome into their homes and care for fictive kin. We are also more likely to provide care for a sick elder versus placing the elder in institutional care when compared to whites.
I believe that instead of griping and uttering the same BS we here from non-informed whites, get out there and help those in need. I for one applaud this woman and her husband for stepping out of the American box of “shoulds” and following their hearts.
We are not a seperate species-we are human. Let’s wisely advance the human agenda not this antiquated separatists rhetoric.
Thank you for this. I am so sick and tired of the ‘black people this’ and ‘black people that’ rhetoric on these so-called progressive sites. It is never anything positive.
‘Sadly what I think the problem is, is that many Black Americans have swallowed the racist stereotypes and bull crap that so many other non-blacks may believe. I know it’s hard for many to unchain themselves considering our eurocentric educational system and society, but we are not just what you see on the news or what one may see from a finite perspective.’
That paragraph really sums it up. Black people do adopt and foster black kids more than any other group. Black people also step in and take kids before they get into the system. Does anyone remember the woman from Chicago that was featured on the Oprah show that took in 8 kids from her various siblings? Is she not a black person? I am so done with these people.
Black people adopt more than any other group? You care to back that up? And please don’t point to the post above because what she said is we are more likely to adopt another family member, and given how many grandparents are raising their grandkids (which is more likely what she is talking about) because the parent are in jail, that is nothing to brag about. Show me statistics that show that we are just as likely to adopt kids who are not related to us, then we will talk.
Black people adopt, formally or informally, black kids in higher numbers than any other group. They ‘adopt’ kids before they ever get into the system.
Whites are also more likely to adopt a white disabled child than a healthy black child. I have to get back to my laptop to search for the article and will post the link once I find it.
Indeed,
I am 25, black and adopted by a white family (adopted when I was a few days old). Why do you be productive about this and find an initiative that educates white families on raising black children? Maybe you should say something to the mother at the gym. I just wonder how people like you treat adoptees. Keep in mind that when you say these things you’re offending my (and many other peoples’) families.
Also, don’t forget that many of these historical events that you allude to are simply that – history.
“Young ladies and women today are so damn loose with their vaginas that if the kids ain’t getting aborted then we are just giving them away…”
Speak for yourself. And next time, blame the men AND the women.
We won’t even adopt and care for our own kids. Why should we be up in arms because somebody else wants to love them? I think you should be able to adopt whatever child you want to. I wish somebody would give me side eye if I adopted a child who isn’t Black just because I am Black. The same way I’m not giving side eye to people who aren’t Black adopting Black children. It’s sad that in 2011 people have these kind of hang ups. I guess my head is in the clouds thinking people can regard each other as people and see past the color issues.
‘We won’t even adopt and care for our own kids.’
@ Meisha i’d have to disagree.
there are blacks who adopt blacks kids, as well as other kids from different ethnic groups. DeMarcus Ware an NFL player adopted a white baby girl with his wife in 2008 i believe. if he wasnt known it probably wouldnt have made news.
i too don’t think that anyone should be up in arms when a white couple adopts a black child. and I also think that anyone should be able to adopt any child they want, but the fact of the matter is that in the U.S there are many black babies and children wanting to be adopting, than whites. this doesn’t make it impossible to adopt whites, but the process does take longer.
there are blacks stepping it up and raising kids that arent biologically theirs.
waiting to be adopted*
The baby was light skinned yes but she was Hispanic not white.
I guess I might be a little naive….No, I’m not. Have u ever considered the fact that this might be her biological daughter? I didn’t read that she was adopted…and u can’t say it’s obvious. For the simple fact, I know a few bi-racial children who look similar to this little girl. I know a girl whose BIOLOGICAL Mother is white, and Daddy is black…and the little girl LOOKS absolutely NOTHING like her mother. I just want to put that out there. It’s not always about the looks…but everything about the DNA.
From her blog – As a computer geek, and former motorcycle-riding tomboy, it would never have occurred to me that I would be writing about such girly things as hair care. Yet here I am, the adoptive mother to a lovely little African American girl who joined our family in 2007 at a mere six days old, fully immersed in hair products, beads, and bows! (For our adoption story, see The Very Long Story of a Very Short Adoption Process.) I’ve been blessed with wonderful people who have held my hand through the early days of learning to care for my daughter’s hair, and enjoy nothing more than sharing my experiences with others as my way of giving back.
*Note: I see nothing wrong with white folks adopting black children. At least someone is.*
+1 and having been in the foster care system myself, not only “at least someone” is, but that “someone” is loving and caring enough to research and blog about the one thing that most black people are still insecure about – hair. I wish my birth mother had that much diligence towards taking care of me.
Well said. It’s never good enough for some. :-/
Don’t pay attention to the negative comments, some of us believe in putting our KIDS, ahead of some fake pride first. I say fake because how much pride can you have in our community if you would rather see kids in the streets instead of in a loving home?
BTW, I have heard from African-Americans who work in the adoptive system and as social workers that systemically, it is a racially plagued process. Qualified black couples who want to adopt, I’ve been told, undergo more scrutiny and face delays that whites do not.
Has anyone noticed that white folks are walking around with all the young (under age 3) black kids who have been up for adoption, but the older black kids are clogged up in the system? How come black couples face more blockades in accessing these black kids who are up for adoption while they are in their formative years?
Two can play that game. I have friends who are in the field as well, and what they will tell you is that our community frowns upon adoption. Many black families want their ‘own’ child, or they feel that older kids are more of a hassle (I refuse to say damaged). That is why older kids block up the system.
I too am looking to adopt, and I am a rarity in my circle. I have friends with money who won’t adopt because their moms told them that they would not consider the child their ‘grandchild’….THAT is why our kids clog up the foster care system. A dinosaur mindset that keeps us from embracing anyone who is not biologicaly related to us. Don’t even get me started on the term step-child.
Having been a foster mother, adopted children, and in foster care, I can speak from many viewpoints. I’ve had more black children in and out of my house than I care to mention. All they wanted was a home filled with love, kindness, and patience. They didn’t care about skin color. A few of the children stayed with me from birth onward. They were deemed ‘unadoptable’ according to the social worker b/c of drug exposure – black adopters weren’t beating down my down. I adopted them. We may have a few challenges, but that is due to being preteens and teens – not the drugs. For the most part, they are all academically, socially, and behaviorally sound. They might not all attend an Ivy League school but they will go on to college.
When I was in foster care, my foster mother and father were black. It was a very loving home, but after what I had been through I didn’t care if they were purple. I had a home – a refuge. My experience with knowing how it felt to be unwanted led me to only want to adopt. I realized that their are a enough children right here who want love without me having to have more. That’s not for everyone, but for me I didn’t feel this undying need to produce children. I just have an undying need to provide a home filled with love, patience, and understanding for the kids already here.
Thank you, I never went through the system, but I’ve heard stories, all that matters to a child is that they are wanted and made to feel loved.
@EG:
Bing bing bing bing bing!!! You are exactly right. Too many Black people do not believe in adoption. I noticed on several Black blogs that when the discussion of topic of adoptions came up, it was denigrated as why should I take care of Pookie and Shenequa’s unwanted children?
That’s why so many Black children are with White families.
I was thinking the same thing… after all, the mother talked about being pregnant.
Yeah, white people need to stop adopting black children. Instead of being in a loving home with a white mother, she would be better off in the foster care system! Because we all know how much better their lives will be, bouncing from home to home. Indeed, you are a JOKE.
I get it, but for the sake of those who don’t or may read this comment after I did, you are being tongue-in-cheek, right? I thought so.
….WOW.
“Our children”? She didn’t adopt my child. He’s at school right now and I will be picking him up this afternoon and taking him home with me.
So what if a green man from Mars adopts a child in need of a home and love. Perhaps if “we” stopped having children “we” can’t and won’t take care of then “they” wouldn’t have to adopt them?
Amen Angie. It’s a shame that the comments bring up the adoptive mother’s race as if it is a bad thing. She should be commended.
Reading, I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. I am 21 years of age and only natural for 2. I don’t have a problem with people touching my hair (when asked)but, for some reason, only guys will ask and girls will just reach for my hair. I just find it odd… I have one friend (who is a female) that will touch my hair every time see see it! It’s really annoying! SO people… Keep your hands to yourself… PLEASE AND THANK YOU! 🙂
I loved the chocolate and vanilla stuff. This momma is right, people really got to start watching their manners. When I was a kid my mom drilled it into me that no one’s hands other than her should be put in my head. And I lived by those rules. I’m starting to think that Etiquette classes should be mandatory in highschool and college. Some people need to learn some respect.
It needs to go much further than that – Should start with adults who do not acknowledge boundaries, or think nothing about coming up to a random stranger and going through their head like they lost something in there. pathetic isn’t it?
I love the way you addressed this letter. I have had natural hair for seven years now. For six of those years I had dread-locs. I took my locs down one year ago and people seem to be so in awe of my loose natural hair. I understand their intrigue, but think it is extremely rude for people to touch my hair without my permission; especially in the work place! Thanks a bunch for voicing what so many of us think.
Alright! ALRIGHT! Three cheers for an AWESOME mom! I can’t imagine what will happen when I have children and have to deal with this issue! Although I can tend to be VERY direct if need be, and you having written this letter shows how kind and patient you are. 🙂 Me on the other hand, not so much! LOL!
Thank you for standing up for your daughter. She is blessed to have you for a mother. Her hair is just that–her hair!
very well said…
Yes…tell that one Vanilla Momma…so very well articulated…indeed
WELL SAID!!!!! I’d love to meet this lady!
“Chocolate” hair?? Really??
Right! Was I the only one who was offended by all the chocolates and Vanilla comments? And please don’t tell me this poor child’s name is boo? Other than that I agree, she just could have used better words.
If u go to her website (i follow her), you’ll see she’s a loving mother who truly cherishes her daughter. Try not to judge her, because race aside, you would give her props for how amazing she is. And we all have nicknames for our kids – why should she be any different?
I think she calls her child Boo to protect her identify as much as she can given the public nature of her blog, which i think is the appropriate and responsible thing to do in this day in age
I guess I don’t see what the problem with the term chocolate hair is. I call myself chocolate all the time and I think terms chocolate and vanilla to describe people are honestly cute. I guess everybody has their own opinion on it but I see no harm in it at all.
Love the term chocolate and vanilla.Some people need to get over themselves and get the real content of the mothers letter. There is no harm at all in the terms.
I agree I see NOTHING wrong with using the terms Chocolate and Vanilla.I think it is a rather cute and creative choice of words. If she was chocolate saying it would it still be a problem? Or if she had used the term nappy or kinky I guess you would still be offended even though we as naturals use it all of the time.But because she is Vanilla it’s a problem. People please!!!! I agree with Sonya get over yourselves and get the point that the letter was trying to make she obviously is loving mother stressing the concern for the disrespect that her daughter is enduring being one of the few black children in an predominantly white school but forget the fact that she is standing up for that. rather judge her over the way she worded a letter..smh
@CessCurls I find referring to ppl as chocolate quite creepy and I do not like it regardless of the color of the person doing it. All this chocolate vanilla referencing is annoying. PPL always trying to go out of their way to make themselves feel special. However, I am not hung up on ppl touching children’s hair. If anyone needs to get OVER anything it’s nappy headed women thinking that the world has to kowtow to their sensitivities. Touching one’s hair is not the same as touching someone’s pregnant belly without permission. If you feel dehumanized because someone touches your hair, then you have issues. Wear a hat.
Regardless of the point of this letter, ppl are entitled to their opinion regarding it and don’t need to be attacked for expressing that view. PPL who don’t understand that need to get over themselves. Period.
@Strawberry – I’d say using the word dehumanized is extreme, but for me at least, it’s not about people touching my hair, it’s about people touching *me* without asking. I do not like strangers touching ANY part of me – my arm, my hair, my hand, my leg, etc without some kind of inquiry or introduction and my consent. Would you get offended if someone randomly walked up to you, stroked your cheek and told you that your skin looked really silky and soft?
Re: use of the word chocolate – ultimately, it depends on whom it is coming from. If I know the person and can trust that they are using it as a term of endearment, fine (my friends and I have all sorts of “special” nicknames for one another). But random folks? No. I understand both sides.
Sorry, Strawberry but touching one’s pregnant belly is the same as touching one’s hair. They are both parts of a person’s body and a stranger should not touch anyone in a familiar way. I don’t think that showing respect for someone’s personal space is kowtowing to sensitivities in any way. I don’t go around touhcing white women’s hair because the texture is different from mine and I’m sure if I did, there would be consequences. And, “Wear a hat”? are you listening to yourself? So, she shoudl send her kid to school with a hat on everyday to hide her uniqueness.This is the same line of thought that people use to justify harassing/raping women who wear certain clothes. “If you don’t want a man to harass/touch you inappropriately, wear a mumu or a burka.”
I guess you have a right to be wrong.
“I find referring to ppl as chocolate quite creepy”.
Says the person by the name of Strawberry. Your last point strikes me as very ignorant. Just how you said that people who feel dehumanized when someone touches their hair should wear a hat, someone could say that women who feel dehumanized when people touch their pregnant bodies should just stay home. The overall message is to not disrespect people by touching them if they don’t want to be touched. You are not entitled to touch my hair or body without permission.
+1 LOL @ “Says the person by the name of Strawberry.” People are so quick to judge others but are totally blind to their own issues. Well I find referring to oneself as strawberry quite creepy.
Says the person by the name of Strawberry…LOL, Well played W, well played.
@Strawberry
“If anyone needs to get OVER anything it’s nappy headed women thinking that the world has to kowtow to their sensitivities.”
Was it really necessary to refer to natural women as nappy headed women? Really? So sensitive.
And referring to people as chocolate or vanilla is no big deal, especially since Ms. Rory has adopted a Black child, which she loves and adores.
It’s patronizing regardless of who it’s coming from. Why do people have such a problem with saying black and white?
It’s mildly annoying how people want to “cuten” everything up to make it more palatable.
However, there are so many other things to be thinking about regarding race, the chocolate/vanilla references are defintely at the bottom of the list of concerns (for me at least).
Well that’s my entire point – depending on who it’s coming from, it’s not a substitute for saying black or white. If we are having a conversation about race or someone is referring to my race, they would have no issue calling me black. In some cases, it’s just being silly and something to call someone. For instance, my lab partner in high school was white, and rather than peaches n’ cream, we called ourselves (va)nilla n’ cream – we were being silly because every week we had to go to this random lake and test water – we had a song and everything. It wouldn’t have been nearly as funny if we just said black and white. Sometimes it’s just not that deep.
“If we are having a conversation about race or someone is referring to my race, they would have no issue calling me black.”
Aaaaaand this mother is having a conversation about her child’s race and something very particular to black females in regards to our hair. Her blog deals with race relations to a significant extent.
Anywho, I’m not about to write an angry email to the woman or file a complaint with the Bureau of Offended Negroes. It’s only a mild annoyance.
Her letter is on point though, at least she took the time to write this out and it does address the issue eloquently. I probably would’ve just said “Touch my daughter’s hair or violate her space and I’ll punch you through the skull”.
I don’t have a problem with the chocolate and vanilla language. When my son was small, he corrected me when I would refer to someone as black or white. In his eyes, he was brown, some people were golden, some people pink, some maple, etc. Kids come up with their own ways of referring to themselves. Who knows maybe this is how her child sees herself and her family?
That’s how my son and I are. We don’t refer to people as white or black. People are people and when we describe them we may say golden, chocolate, peanut butter, butter, vanilla. It makes since for his 5 year old brain, plus, I don’t want to raise my son to be hung up on race.
I think this mother and her daughter are beautiful and I wish them nothing but much peace and blessings.
I kinda like Chocolate hair. When it comes to identity I think that it is important that we give people space for that to develop, however it may. My little cousins are biracial and they refer to themselves as Panda (Black and White). I think it is cute and fun. We don’t know what kind of conversations that she has with her daughter around “race” and if that is their language at this point then so be it.
This is a wonderful response to people who don’t understand personal space.
Agreed.
yeah and for people who think that they can get away with doing something that they would expect Rory to condone, since she might be perceived by several as not having a clue.
Phew! What a long winded letter!
Rory, You go!!!
I do not like anyone placing their hands in my hair now or ever in the past. I don’t know where ppl’s hands have been and I prefer not to be hair raped!
What Ms. Rory has articulated is poignant and very well received. I appreciate your expression on the subject.
1+
I am so in awe of this article. This mother is teaching her daughter pride, self respect, and authority over her body. These are very invaluable lessons for young girls especially when being polite is was so encouraged, yet there is a balance with inappropriate behavior. Teaching your daughter when to say “no” is important and empowering when it comes to outsiders. “Chocolate” hair is uniquely different, yet doesn’t mean open to strangers’ curious hands. Thank you for your strong words and beautifully written letter. Many blessing to you and your family.
I understand how you feel. I am black but when my daughter was little she has long curly hair and I would put beads, barrettes, etc. Just styled her hair different ways. And people always wanted to touch and I would have to say no don’t touch her hair or pull her back when they started to reach out. before they could touch her hair. And she didn’t like it either and she would express that if you touched and did not ask first. I am grown and people will not ask before they reach out to touch my hair and then i have to give them an polite smile and say i would appreciated if you would have asked me first before you touched my hair.
I totally agree. I have found though being a chocolate momma of a chocolate girl she is very curious about hair in general and I find her touching hair that is unlike her own as well as her own. ie. weaves, vanilla hair and especially her own. I agree that no one should in any way infringe on anyone’s personal space, but I also realize that children are children. They often do just what we ask others not to do. JMHO
THANK YOU AND BEAUTIFUL!
The little girl is adorable & she’s so blessed to have a caring & sensitive mom!
Thank you for standing up and saying what we have tolerated for so many years!
amen!
Amen!
I have talked to my daughter’s teacher about this too. My girls aren’t the only Black children at the school, but it is mixed. Fortunately, my daughters have a Black teacher who gets it and can be a guardian of their space. I have also given my girls the language, “please don’t touch my hair. My hair belongs to me!”
For those who do not like the chocolate hair or vanilla parent comments she made in her letter, I believe she was just doing that because the website it was originally on was “ChocolateHairVanillaCare.com, she was probably just trying to be clever by using the terms in the website title. I don’t think she was trying to be offensive at all.
This was a wonderful article writen by someone how obviously loves their child. I love that she has listened and watch and realized the damage that can be done when people treat children as novelties. BRAVO! As a mother of biracial children, I have heard it all and she did some up my feelings about people touching my childrens hair and skin.
I LOVE IT! It was touching, endearing, selfless, wholesome, & exactly right. As a 30 year old if you ask to touch my hair and I say no – dont think Im being rude! 🙂
Amen to that! Don’t touch me (or my hair)unless I’ve given permission! I’ve had to duck the hands of folks of many races/ethnicities(and once a relative) who thoughtlessly reached out to touch without asking. I don’t spontaneously touch pregnant ladies’ bellies(friend or not), I only touch a baby after I’ve made sure it’s okay. Come on; if people are conscious enough to ask owners if it’s okay to pet their dog or cat beforehand, how is it there isn’t enough civility to ask to touch a fellow human? I’m puzzled to why there’s hostility; if the author of the letter was Black, Native American, Latina or Asian I would agree with it too. Maybe it’s the case of shooting the messenger, but she’s a PARENT who ‘get’s it’
Wow! So well put! I think it’s so important and on the money to let this child and even other adult know that people touching you is not always ok. I think it can be harmful to dignity and self worth to not know that your body is yours. I think people forget that when they do or don’t ask to touch and you say now. I still cringe when I think of a coworker that recently pulled my hair and was excited bout touching it and seeing it coil back. I didn’t want to reprimand her but I wish she would’ve respected my space.
I loved this post and thought her letter was RIGHT ON THE MONEY!
Honestly, I wasnt in love with the term “chocolate” hair or any other reference to race through flavors, but that’s minor. There is nothing wrong with the statement it just not my statement of choice.
This post really speaks to a bigger issue than just hair touching and the way she chose to go about addressing those issues was excellent! Seriously praise God for people like her and praise God this adorable girl has a loving home.
The love this mother has for her daughter is so evident in the tone & content of this article. I felt so blessed to read this article. I am happy to hear that this little girl has a mother that respects and supports her individuality and is teaching her to love herself, just as God made her, and that she doesn’t have to feel obligated to allow any adult to touch her hair, because that’s her personal space. I would love to be a fly on the wall when someone reaches out to touch this little girl’s hair in the presence of her mom. She would probably jump all over them…LOL. Just awesome!
Bottom line is…people should not touch other people without asking. I’m not sure why folks feel so entitled to think otherwise, regardless of race. I have had black people (once this actually happened to me at a hair event, and I really thought she should have known better) and white people touch my hair without asking, and yes, they do get a side eye and may get close to getting their fingers bitten off. However, if you ask me, I sometimes say yes, depending on my mood. I’m glad her mother understands. If it is not a big deal to *you* that is fine, but I don’t think it’s fair to act as if people are overreacting when they don’t like strangers randomly touching them. I don’t look at those people who like it like they are touchy feely freaks who need validation from other people that their hair is pretty (I am using extreme hyperbole so please don’t act like I’m trying to insult a bunch of folks), so this is a non-issue to me. People are different and we need to respect one another.
Good for you for acknowledging how wrong it is. I lived in Phoenix for a while and one of the reasons we decided not to stay there was for this very reason. We were always being stared at and my son and daughter had to endure other children touching their hair and skin. I didn’t want my babies growing up somewhere where they were made to feel like they were constantly on display like some spotted monkeys in a zoo. Unfortunately most white people do not have black children in their lives so they do not have this personal emotional response and hence don’t realize (or teach their kids) how inappropriate it is. If people were to start pawing on their kids they may see things differently.
I personally thought, that she was making a big deal over nothing. I thought how does she know her daughter doesn’t do exactly what she doesn’t want ppl to do to her hair. That was my inurial first thought but then I thought her daughter probably expressed some feelings about it. part of me feels like she is overreacting and the other part feels like it’s hard for me to believe parents would do that, but kids r being kids.
Your post makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
+1
I really enjoyed reading this article. This mother loves her daughter like any other without the presence of race or color.
I don’t understand the negative posts. I’m not sure what article you are reading or how you can find anything to criticize…
To those who don’t like chocolate/vanilla. They are just words. She probably uses these terms as a mother on a daily basis and they are a part of her everyday vocabulary. There’s nothing derogatory about them so what’s with the complaints? It’s not about the words you want to read…it’s about the message she’s getting across.
To those finding offense to the term “boo”. Here in the United States Boo is a term on endearment not a racial slur…some people are sensitive and ready to strike.
To those saying because she’s white her word is gospel…who cares! Her words aren’t more valid because of her race. Her words are valid because she’s a mom speaking up for her daughter!
Why would a white person need to comment on afros being a costume? I’ve seen black women wear blonde wigs for halloween…no one’s trippin’.
Rather than scan the article for things to hate…read it in the context of love. This is all the woman intends for her daughter and they are both blessed because of it. She’s fulfilling a purpose in this little girls life that none of us are. Be happy someone is speaking up for her and really all black girls! I would have loved an adult stepping in when people grabbed at my beaded hair! Read this article with eyes of love and maybe some of you will see it more clearly.
Love and blessings,
Meex
Very well said! I hope to be the parent of some beautiful biracial babies in the next few years and I think about this type of thing all the time. Thank you for sharing your feelings on this topic. I don’t think you could have said it any bette!
I took a look at her website and she does an awesome job w/her little girl’s hair. Her little girls hair looks healthier and better cared for than some of the black children where I live (St.Louis) who have black parents..
I love this!!!! But she does have beautiful hair. Would you get offended if I just got close, just because I want to try and copy the style for my two little princesses?
Now that’s a great parent.
peace, Love and Chocolate,
Tiffany
This woman is CRAZY!
I thought this letter was so touching. 🙂
I have mad respect for this woman. She’s doing a great job as a parent and fostering her child’s esteem in herself!! If you are a white parent with a black child, that’s least you can do. Really appreciate seeing this.
she went IN in a very eloquent way. go, mom!
Amazing! She really put it down as people should hear it!
WOW!!! One of only a gagillion white folks that get it. She is a rare breed, don’t get it twisted, one of only a gagillion!
Even if that were true one is better than zero. And for your information, I know MANY White people who “get it”. We don’t like them generalizing us so let’s not do it to them okay? Peace.
+1
2nd!
+ 1,000,000
This is not to understate the problem, b/c we all know that there is, yet, my husband of ten years “Gets it”. He has survived a lot of difficult lessons over the years to arrive at his current level of understanding, but he most certainly and honestly gets it. Let’s not forget that there have been many others throughout history who have gotten it-reach one, teach one as the saying goes……
And fact, an excellent example of one who get’s it is the author Tim Wise who penned “White Like Me” and many other notable books on the topic of race relations and institutionalized/structural racism.
While I like Tim Wise, he is a perfect example of white validation that was discussed above.
@ Emme: I respectfully do not agree with you. The author was used as an example of Whites who do get it-nothing more and nothing less. Maybe you read his works and feel validated, but I read his works and say ‘excellent research with thoughful critical analysis, but here is where I may or may not disagree with said analysis’-yup, it’s that simple. I respect Mr. Wise for his scholarship, just as I respect the scholarship of many deceased and living Black and non-black writers in the study of social systems.
I really do believe that some people just have a hard time wrapping their brain around the fact that not all people rely on a non-familial external source for validation. My mention of an author who so happens to be white translates in the minds of some as me needing Tim Wise or some other liberal white person to validate my experience as a black person living in America. Wrong,very wrong, and most tragically wrong.
If one stops perceiving whites as superior, thus giving them more power, than the fact that some blacks like myself are not giving extra weight to the words of whites or fawning over anything else about whites and white american culture, will seem effortlessly believable.
Ermm.
I was not specifically referring to you, but it has been noted by a lot of people, even Tim Wise himself, that a lot of his success is because people prefer to hear these things from him- a white male. He has built a career on discussing racism in America, something is not personally affected by.
Your last paragraph is sort of ridiculous. Whites DO have more power so it is not a matter of perception. They are NOT superior, but, collectively, they are more powerful.
NO!!!!!!!! Ladies stop it!!!!!!! “There is no one is better than zero.” Our collective history here, gives us the right to determine our own thoughts about our hair, skin and bodies! Just because one white woman appears to understand does not mean we applaud her! “Even if that were true”, you are g*damn right its true. I always have enough energy to call white folks on their shit, they are transparent and I see right through them!
Please continue to call anyone out who needs schoolin’, regardless of race:) And please remember, to abstain from imbuing a group with so much power that ultimately ends in the out-group member consistantly being on the defensive and powerless. Peace and Blessings y’all 🙂
I am happy this little girl can call this woman Mama!!
Great article! I loved it!
I thought this was a very honest post. I believe it even transcends race, there are many times we see things that we like n feel the need to touch it (them). How many times do we feel disrespected when we are touched without permission? I think it is good practice even for children we know to ask there permission to see or touch anything to help them learn acceptable interactions between them and other adults or children. I thank you for helping me see things in another light!
I agree with this mother! She went straight to the point, and I just love it, that she is standing up for her daughter’s hair!
Great article!
Oh, and I’m waiting for a white person to write into BGLH about how it’s not okay to use an afro wig as a silly costume, so that Jasmine (the other Jasmine) can be justified. Because apparently, when these concerns come out of the mouth of black and bi-racial women, they have no credibility.
See here: https://bglhonline.com/2011/09/why-are-afros-considered-a-costume/
Geeze, what does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Stick to the subject at hand.
Ditto! I’m exhausted reading all of this thread derailing.
First off, I can comment as I please. People go off topic in the comment box all the time. It’s not unusual.
Secondly, my concern has EVERYTHING to do with the subject at hand. How is it that, when white people make observations, they shoot to the top of the credibility list. But when black people say they same thing, they are automatically labeled as bitter, militant or misguided.
I will say it (or type it) again: Black women lack self esteem, on many MANY level. And taking a relaxer out of one’s head is no indication that she has gained/regained it.
Things that make you go hmmm…
Jasmine you do have a valid point and I think many of us who participate in this blog, whether we post or not, may agree.
I think what you speak of is whose ‘voice’ is heard the loudest and given the most credibility. We see this often-for example- in the way “known” history has been rewritten and retracted to the benefit of others.
But, the assumption that the majority of the positive comments are due to lack of self-esteem and feindish love of white validation seems a little over-reaching to me to the point of stereotyping. Yes, we know there are enough Black folk out there who give extra credence to what “white” folk say, but I truly believe many of these sunny-side up comments are owing to exactly what Elle said a few comments back (of which I also posted).
And some of us have reached the point in our life and psychic journey where the only validation we need are from self and our loved ones. I know I have and I sincerely wish that for ALL women. Peace 🙂
I know I’m developing a checkered reputation for being a gut checker in the BGLH comment box. But I don’t care.
I SIDE EYE all the people who yelled racism and succubus when Liz — A BI-RACIAL WOMAN — said EXACTLY the same thing as this mother is saying!!!
For evidence look through the comments here: https://bglhonline.com/2011/07/hi-im-liz-no-you-still-cant-touch-my-hair/
It is sad because I believe that black women’s self esteem is SO LOW that they can only believe/accept something if a WHITE PERSON says it.
This amazing mother is saying what many naturals have been saying all along — that they DON’T like to be touched and petted! And yet, there were always dozens of people running to the defense of ignorant people who pet black women like they’re puppies, “Oh, they’re just curious.” “Oh, they’ve never seen it before and we have to teach them.” “Oh, just give them a break, you’re being too scary and militant.”
Now that a white mother says it, will we FINALLY accept that it’s NOT okay to just walk up to someone and PET THEM!!
The article you posted is not in the same context as this one. The mother in this letter is defending her daughter, a child. Liz in the other article is a grown woman facing another grown woman.
In article, “Hi, I’m Liz. No, You Still Can’t Touch My Hair” I do not see where anyone in the *comments* said, “Oh, they’re just curious.” “Oh, they’ve never seen it before and we have to teach them.” “Oh, just give them a break, you’re being too scary and militant.” – they all defended Liz.
I think you’re on the taking things out of context and wanting to stir the pot so to speak.
I’m sorry. I linked to the incorrect article. It should have been this one: https://bglhonline.com/2011/07/touching-natural-hair-without-permission-is-it-a-race-thing/
I agree with you Jasmine. I’ve seen similar responses and cringed.
I for one have never thought it was okay. Being the person who has white co-workers who feel the need to try and make my hair poofier because it is too “straight” for them. I shouldn’t have to teach others to be respectful, I have my own child to teach! I don’t go around touching ANYone’s hair; caucasoid, negroid, mongoloid or any others. I don’t want to touch my daughter’s hair, LOL . . .
I really don’t think this woman, or any of us who have commented on this article, are saying that what has happened to the child is racist. I think the general consensus is that the child’s personal space has been invaded. In that regard, I think you’ve drawn a comparison with the prior article by taking it out of context.
I liked the article, but I can see what Jasmine is saying. White validation is real. It may not have been on BGLH, but I have read of black women not liking their natural hair touched, and people being like “Lighten Up! It’s just curiousity. I take it as a compliment when someone wants to touch my hair. Blah, blah, blah.” When I read this article, I thought, “Great points. But I hope that people don’t listen to her only because she is a white woman.” And this is from other Black women or People of Color. And it’s not just white validation. Any dominant group gives “validation” when saying something that a minority group may have been saying for quite some time. I had a discussion about dating with a group of men and women, all Black, and when a man said something that several women had already said, the other men in the group seemed to have heard it like it was the first time it was said.
In the end, I respect and admire this woman’s article, because it is a unique perspective that deserves a platform. We all deserve the change to “have our say.”
Thank you Auset. This is exactly what I’m talking about. We need to pay more attention to the power dynamics of our racial/gender interactions.
Black people tend to view other black people (and, sadly, sometimes themselves) as lower/subservient in the power dynamic.
It’s sad. And I see it alot on this site.
A few years back, Leila posted an article about a black dad who was in charge of combing his daughter’s hair. The response was positive, but a bit tepid.
It was nothing compared to the post about Clifton Greene (I believe his name is) a white man who was in charge of combing his daughter’s hair.
Two men, doing virtually the same thing. One gets carried on the shoulders of black women, the other gets a pat on the back. I can understand that Clifton’s situation is a bit more unusual, and therefore more attention-grabbing. But still.
I think that natural hair, pride in our bodies, whatever you want to call it, starts with US. With OUR minds and OUR opinions. We are too thirsty to have people in [perceived] higher power groups tell us that what they think we’re doing is good.
@Jasmine this is a very interesting POV but I’m not sure I agree. I think a large part of it is that we think that other black people *should* know how to care for their children’s hair and *should* understand our trials and tribulations, but on the other hand, we are so used to white people not “getting it” that when one does, we automatically breathe a sigh of relief and yell, “THANK YOU!” because it lets us know that not all white people live in their bubble of superiority and live life ignorantly because they can. The same can also be said for interactions between genders, ethnic groups, political parties, etc. – basically anytime another group is known for not understanding another. Another example – think of when a man praises natural hair versus another women. We have women across the internet praising natural hair ALL THE TIME, but when a man does it, everyone is throwing panties at him and calling him the smartest man alive. It may cause eye rolling, but I’m not sure it’s because we value their opinion more than our own.
@ Jasmine- yes, excellent point- members of a maligned group often eerily relish the validation of the majority/dominant group- but:
Elle is right on point, imo, with her analysis: people expect in-group members to know [the tyranny of the “shoulds”]and out-group members to be unaware or completely uninterested about a set of knowledge, belief, attitudes, values etc…but as Elle put so wonderfully:
“we are so used to white people not “getting it” that when one does, we automatically breathe a sigh of relief and yell, “THANK YOU!” because it lets us know that not all white people live in their bubble of superiority and live life ignorantly because they can. The same can also be said for interactions between genders, ethnic groups, political parties, etc”
And when out-group members do “get-it” it gives us a collective hope for humanity and the future of humanity.
Peace and blessings y’all 🙂
100,000,0000,000+!!
Agreed! no offense but this lady isn’t stating anything other mothers or women in general haven’t stated time in and out before so to me it isn’t anything new under the sun written here. I appreciate her effect nontheless
Ladies, excuse me. I linked to the incorrect article. I should have linked to this article: https://bglhonline.com/2011/07/touching-natural-hair-without-permission-is-it-a-race-thing/
OMG, Jasmnine I am SO in agreement with you on the “white validation” thing! Why does it take a white person to cosign on something before folks “get it”? And it really irks me that so many black people are guilty of this mentality.
I wonder if this letter would be as well-received and “fawned over” of the mother who wrote it was black.
BTW the “chocolate” and “vanilla” thing weirded me out too.
you know Jasmine, before you make sweeping judgments of a serious manner, i would suggest that you take into account just how large the readership of BGLH is and the fact that people make comments on certain topics because they want to. so, the same people who made the comments on this post may not be the same commentors of the other post.
personally, i only make comments if i can relate. i made no comment on this post initially because i don’t have a child and cannot relate. but, personally, i take no issue with people, of any race, wanting to touch my hair. i don’t get the “don’t touch a black woman’s hair” issue at all, but i reserve my comments for a forum where they are relevant.
just want you to keep in mind that the comment base may change from topic to topic and it’s not fair to openly scold people.
Before I even read this article, Jasmine, I recalled the one you are talking about and the comments and thought to myself, “I bet everyone is going to love what this [white] woman has to say.” smh.
I agree with you. I see this apologist attitude more in the natural hair community, which is more surprising to me.
“You see, every chocolate/jam/cheetos handprint on her hair from other children and/or adults is a mark on her dignity. She is small, but she does have personal space and a sense of self-worth.”
Stated like a pro; I’d like to tell you, Rory, that this wisdom should be universal. She’s a person, not a dolly!
wonderful mother…she knows she can’t empathize with her daughter but the love for that child has opened her eyes to something like this…one of the most invaluable things in this world is the pure love of a mother 🙂
Another thing is that I wholeheartedly agree with her about respecting a child’s personal space (in general and not just in regards to hair). In my parents’ culture, it is respectful to embrace adults with a kiss on the cheek. I was a shy child; I didn’t like strangers, and I always hated greeting adults with a hug or a kiss. I really don’t think children should be directed to hug or embrace adults unless they want to. It’s the same for babies. At times, they don’t want to be held by anyone other than their parents. That’s why I always smile and play with the baby from a distance, and if they like me, they’ll come to me or show an interest in being held. I don’t immediately try to hold a child even if it’s their parents’ suggestion.
I clicked on the site link and the first ad I saw on the blog was…
“Get permanent skin whitening”??
Talk about irony. *rolls eyes*
Ummm…. Are you sure you read that? She does have ads that are for for TEETH Whitening. Also depending on what ad systems they use, some bloggers do not have absolute control over what ads are featured because it’s like a random pick depending on the larger ad system— something like Google AdSense. I see many natural websites still advertising perms and other hair straighteners because of this. So seeing that she has a black child and has a blog that encourages her self esteem I highly doubt she believes in skin whitening or would accept the money. When she told the system she talks about “race, hair, skin color…” they probably mindlessly gave her that ad that appears beyond her control randomly (while you may see it, she may never see it). But again, I’m thinking you may have read a teeth whitening ad. But why not just email her and tell her she should email her ad provider saying she definitely does not want those types of ads that are running that she was (likely) not aware of?
I was just about to say that. When I ran a blog, it was a losing game chasing after certain inappropriate ads and manually blocking them in AdSense/AdWords.
Oh, I didn’t say it was the blogger’s fault! I know very well bloggers don’t have much control over what gets publicized on their blog.
And it was definitely a SKIN whitening ad.
That said, the blog looks great. 🙂 (Just the ad made me cringe for a moment).
Her website really has a WEALTH of information about good hair care practices. I do my own hair, but I don’t have children, but if I did, I think I would have to make some adjustments for my child’s hair routine. I appreciate her letter, website etc., but the chocolate/vanilla references are a little weird and it kinda makes me cringe. I’m not saying they are racist, just weird…
awww this was so loving!
My parents could have used some tips, as I was the “only” African American child in the city up through graduation. My mother tried, and had a few hits/misses as I would normally end up losing hair, after someone would convince her that I needed a straightening comb or perm.. My hair was touched probably every day I attended school, including high school, it was like this crazy fascination..they would never ask, they would just touch.. during class, track practice..whenever.. I wish I could have posted this letter in our school newsletter!
The “chocolate hair” phrase is extremely annoying. However, I do agree with the overall context of the letter.
Standing ‘effing’ ovation! Just an amazing advocacy statement from a mother for her child, for all children that also applies to many adults, especially women. Beautiful girl and hairstyles on the site. This should be printed and memorized by other children and adults the world over. Just brava again!
How lucky is this little black girl whose mum called her Boo! I punched a girl for callig me a boo and other racist names at primary school, lets hope she has better luck. And what’s all this about chocolate and vanilla, it might sound sweet to some people but to me these are racist terms. I’m no chocolate hair or anything else. I’m not sure this kid is being taught anything useful about herself or her black heritage. And when the hell did it become politically correct to use the term ‘nappy hair’ never mind printing it in big letters on a tub of hair grease. I’m beginning to think the whole website thing is a big racist joke.
oh dear, glass half empty instead of half full?
The only thing I kinda-sorta agree with you on is the use of “chocolate” and “vanilla” when writing text meant for adults.
Not sure where you’re from but “boo” has become a common term of endearment amongst black Americans. Usually it’s used for a significant other but still…
Re the use of the word “nappy”: I know this is still an issue amongst some but I really don’t have a problem with it so long as it’s not being used in a derogatory fashion. If you’re referring to her product review of Happy Nappy Styles moisturizer…here’s a picture of the owners of the company that makes the product. If you have an issue take it up with them:
https://www.blendedbeauty.com/about.html
Back to Rory: The overall point of her letter was sound. Frankly I think it should be handed out at those counseling sessions given to nonblack potential adoptive parents of black/biracial children. The statement “Oooh, I always wanted to know what their hair felt like!” made me cringe. Kudos to her for being racially and culturally aware. If only all kids could have parents like that…
My only thought is that you said a brochure should be given to non black parents who are adopting black or biracial children but everyone needs help when it comes to doing their childrens hair I have met and know may black parents who don’t know what or how to do their childrens hair and I have met many black parents who have a lack of self love and destroy their childrens self image and confidence by adding sinthetic hair to their childrens or by giving their children relaxers to straighten their hair way too early. I really didn’t read to much positive in your comment like way to go, it is nice that a mother can support the rights of her child like this and not care what other parents are saying to or about her. Vanilla Mother all I can say is way to go especially with raising a chocolate female.
When it comes to all parents, regardless of color, knowing how to do black children’s hair, I agree with you.
Most of my comment was in response to Rose Alexis’. The last part was in response to Rory (the mother above). I’m not sure exactly how much more positive you needed it to be. Perhaps you need to look up the meaning of “kudos”? Here, I’ll help (see definition to):
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/kudos
[img]https://bglhonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/1297529937403.jpg[/img]
Man, I seriously thought this was going to be a positive post, with us all fawning over a mother that really “gets it.”
Guess I’m expecting too much, huh?
@LIN – I know! I agree with you. Here this lady takes the time to get to know her daughter’s heritage enough to learn how to do her hair which most non-black parents are NOT doing,, hell some black parents don’t even know enough about their own heritage to pass on to a child besides what pop culture throws their way I don’t think and instead of getting love she gets criticisms over silly things like the use of the term chocolate and vanilla. If she wants to call her kid chocolate and herself vanilla whats the big deal? Everyone has their terms and how can you call it racist?? have you taken a look at her website?? did you read her adoption story? did you see how happy that child looks? sometimes I am so disappointed by the ignorance because if she reads some of these comments she would be hurt. trying to do so much and never get credit for anything according to some people. *shaking head.* some black people just want to see recism everywhere. when you cry racism all the time, where there is really racism, no one will listen to you. you lessen the impact of the word. get a life.
Unless I miss my guess, Rose Alexis is from the U. K., not from the U. S. A. To her, “chocolate” and “Boo” carry the same impact as “nigger” and “coon” have to us when they come from the lips of a racially prejudiced non-black person. And some people just don’t like the word “nappy”, for the same reason.
This particular post was about an American white woman and her black adoptive child. That being so, her use of the terms that set Rose Alexis off is consistent with how U. S. Americans use and understand them. She certainly didn’t set out to offend people from the U. K. with what, to her, are terms of endearment and sweetness.
We are an international bunch of responders here. When reading things like this that use words common to one culture but not another, or that mean one thing in one culture that they do not mean in another, we need to be careful how we jump to conclusions and on each other. When in want of understanding, one can always ask for clarification.
@cygnet – first maybe you should follow your own advice and give rose alexis some credit since i’m sure she knows that terms of endearment differ across international/national lines and hopefully did not come to the conclusion that a negative term in her community can’t be used quite benignly elsewhere and vice versa(and second you are assuming I am not from UK myself and know what racist terms are therein used) furthermore she said the term chocolate sounds racist ‘to [her].’ i did not see where she said its a commonly-accepted general term used in her community to denigrate Blacks so i can guess you only presumed that this is the case??? third, i was not addressing ‘rose alexis’ as i was addressing everyone who have misconstrued what is obviously meant to be endearing or affectionate terms for describing the color difference between a mother and her daughter. our understanding sometimes benefits from considering expressions within their context and in the context of this lady’s blog, letter etc. they clearly aren’t negative terms. regardless of where you are from, kneejerk reactions to terms especially when pulled from a source (ie letter) that for some is international (and therefore terms will carry different connotations etc) is senseless to me
@bee: I generally strive for clarity whenever I communicate, and especially when I communicate in a medium such as this. Obviously I wasn’t clear enough for you, and I apologize for causing offense; that was not my intention.
You say, “first maybe you should follow your own advice and give rose alexis some credit since i’m sure she knows that terms of endearment differ across international/national lines and hopefully did not come to the conclusion that a negative term in her community can’t be used quite benignly elsewhere and vice versa . . . .”
First, I did give her credit. Go back, please, and re-read my first paragraph. Second, unless you know her, your statement that you’re “sure she knows that terms of endearment differ across international/national lines”, etc., etc., appears to me to be rooted more in faith than in fact. Nothing against you for that, it’s just an observation. I’ll follow it up with another: One can intellectually know something and still have an emotional reaction to it that conflicts with what they know. It’s a duality that exists in many contexts, not just this one.
Regarding your second assertion, that I am assuming that you are not from the UK, with all that applies to that in terms of this discussion, you accuse me falsely. I made no such assumption about you. The use of chocolate to describe a person has come up on this blog before, and there were comments on this very thing from people from that part of the world. My “presumption” is in having remembered that I read it and in thinking back to that memory when I responded to this conversation.
Finally, you say, “Third, i was not addressing ‘rose alexis’ as i was addressing everyone who have misconstrued what is obviously meant to be endearing or affectionate terms for describing the color difference between a mother and her daughter. our understanding sometimes benefits from considering expressions within their context and in the context of this lady’s blog, letter etc. they clearly aren’t negative terms. regardless of where you are from, kneejerk reactions to terms especially when pulled from a source (ie letter) that for some is international (and therefore terms will carry different connotations etc) is senseless to me.”
I agree, which is why I said, “We are an international bunch of responders here. When reading things like this that use words common to one culture but not another, or that mean one thing in one culture that they do not mean in another, we need to be careful how we jump to conclusions and on each other. When in want of understanding, one can always ask for clarification.”
My daughter refers to me as “chocolate” at to herself as “caramel.” She refers to other friends and family using similar descriptors, including “vanilla” and “dark chocolate.” I refer to people to her using the same descriptors. I have no idea why anybody would think they are inappropriate.
+1
My sons call me dark brown, their daddy white and themselves light brown. They also called me chocolate, and call themselves “sugar” because they think sugar is light brown since we don’t use white sugar. I don’t have a problem with the language used at all.
‘I have no idea why anybody would think they are inappropriate.’
Because everyone doesn’t have the same mind?
from a new mom’s perspective, especially one raising abiracial child. i loved this. i also loved her view of what a child is to the world. they are little people learning about themselves and how to operate in the world who deserve their share of dignity and respect, too often because they are children, people don’t think children deserve that level of respect as well but a child who is not respected does not learn self-respect when an adult. its great to know I am not alone in my thinking about children. and i am in admiration., 🙂
Yes!! I agree 🙂
Oh my! I love this!
Ditto to all of the comments!! This little girl is very lucky to have such a supportive mom and one who seems to have thoroughly trained herself on how to do her daughter’s hair. As someone said above, have you seen the styles she has done on Boo?!?! GORGEOUS!!
this letter is so touching. i have never been in support of people touching other people’s body just because you admire them
Beautiful! This goes for any child or adult for that matter. Keep your hands to yourself is the first rule we learn in school any way.
Okay besides the fact that this letter is just plain AWESOME and that the kid is overly cute… have any of you checked out the hairstyles the little girl rocks on the photo gallery?? The cutest/hottest/fiercest hairstyles!!
I definitely have stolen some ideas!!!!! just plain awesome…. Here is the link…
https://gallery.chocolatehairvanillacare.com/
+100
Mom is no joke-those styles are just wonderful!! And yes, lil Boo is toooooo cute….awwww….i’m in love:)
Big warm shout out to this loving family!!
Thank you for writing this. Your daughter is so beautiful and its nice to see the care and attention you put into her. I love her hair and her sweater!
I love this. It’s amazing to see that there are white women with black children that know how to take care of their childs hair AND respect the childs hair so much.
Where I live, there are a lot of biracial kids (nearly anywhere anymore lol). Usually the kid will have a head full of matted hair or clearly damaged puffballs. Sometimes I want to snatch up the kid and throw some moisture in their hair.
My brother-in-law does not know how to take care of my nephews hair and rejects what we try to do for his hair. If we put a little oil/moisturizer in it he’ll go home and wash it out. And whenever he comes over his hair is crunchy, dull, and brittle. It really pisses me off, because he just knows his kids hair shouldn’t have anything in it whatsoever.
Love it! So well written & sincere. Both you and your daughter are beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
YES!!!!!! I am so happy this little girl has someone to advocate for her! This woman is just awesome!
*picks up jaw* Oh my. I love it. I don’t know any other way to put it. It makes my heart smile.
i agree!
+1
Yes!! 🙂 Wow!
+ 1,000,000,000
Cute little girl!