by
Chinwe
From the writer: The original article (posted below) is about a boyfriend who saw the beauty in his girlfriend’s “kitchen”. A follow up article, chapter II, will touch upon race and hair as it relates to this story.
“The most important thing about our gas-equipped kitchen was that Mama used to do hair there. The hot comb was a fine-toothed iron instrument with a long wooden handle and a pair of iron curlers that opened and closed like scissors. … The word ‘kitchen’ has another meaning, and the kitchen that I’m speaking of is the very kinky bit of hair at the back of your head… When hair had begun to ‘turn’, as they’d say– to return to its natural kinky glory–it was the kitchen that turned first (the kitchen around the back and nappy edges at the temples).”
~ Quote from IN THE KITCHEN by Henry Louis Gates
Back in my relaxer days, I thought it was essential to straighten every kink in my hair from the roots to the edges. One section of my hair that never remained straight for long was my “kitchen”. You see, that “kitchen” – that unruly hair at the nape of my neck – would stay kinky and due to conditioned thinking, I viewed that area as unsightly and unkempt. I did not like my “kitchen” one bit, and this was reinforced when the salonist would shave it off without asking. That nappy hair back there just did not belong.
Going natural did NOT change my mindset about my “kitchen”
When I went natural in 2008, I had fallen in love with my hair and its kinks – except for those in my “kitchen.” I know this sounds odd, but that was honestly my mentality back then. My kinky puffs, my twist updos, and my fuzzy twist outs were all beautiful to me, but no matter the style, that “kitchen” never appealed to me. Brushing and the application of gel only worked temporarily. Within an hour, I’d see the little o’s re-develop. Why couldn’t my “kitchen” just behave? Why couldn’t it form into cute little ringlets? So, I started to shave it off just as I did in my relaxer days and just as that stylist had first done years ago. The rest of my hair could be kinky, but that “kitchen” had to be cleaned.
“Take the kinks out of your mind instead of your hair”
~Quote from Marcus Garvey
My boyfriend’s viewpoints on my kitchen
When winter hit and I began wearing braid extensions, I let the naps grow in all their glory. Getting bogged down with work and life, I could not afford to be bothered with keeping up the “kitchen,” so I just let it be. However, just because I left it to grow uncontrollably did not necessarily mean I came to like its existence. I had merely just come to manage it – partially accept it – for the time being.
One evening, while resting my head on my boyfriend’s shoulder, he started to play with my “kitchen” and said, “Cute curls.” Thrown off-guard by the terms “cute” AND “curls,” I looked up at him and said, “Huh?!” You see, all I had seen back there were unkempt naps that needed to be shaved — unruly kinks that made my updos look messy. So when he said “cute,” I laughed and followed by “curls,” I nearly doubled over. He must be looking through another set of goggles.
How his viewpoints were a catalyst for changing my viewpoints
What he said that day replayed in my mind. What had he been seeing? Why was it different from what I had been seeing? Why had I decided that my “kitchen” was so wrong?
It took some time, but one morning, the fog was removed from my periphery. I was in front of the mirror bunning up my braids when I recognized the “cute” and “curls” my boyfriend had said days prior. What could possibly be ugly about the natural kinks that grew back there? How could something so much apart of me, of my DNA, not belong back there? “Unsightly” gradually transformed into “beautiful” before my very eyes. Rubbing my hands against the nape of my neck, I also felt the beauty; so much texture and intricacy of little o’s under my fingers.
The unattractive, kinky “kitchen” had become an illusion of the past formed from years of relaxers and conditioned thinking. What was really on the back of my head was my beautiful hair – that’s it!
How do you feel about your “kitchen”? Did your view change when you went natural?
108 Responses
I am white and I have those unruly kinks and curls that never stay straight no matter what I do. I wear my hair up all the time because New Orleans is always hot and humid.
They drive me crazy. But at 59 I have finally gotten over controlling them and let them be. My husband loves them.
I’m tired of being told not to touch black hair when the fact is BLACK HAIR TOUCHES ME! I’m not even mad about it. Just sick of black women projecting their touchiness. If you don’t like it so much stop doing it.
Huh?
I appreciate this article. The comments are more disturbing. I am disappointed that one woman’s view can lead to so much disrespect by others. Do people write blogs to share anyone’s but their own experience and perspective? If I don’t benefit from a view, I keep searching the internet. I do not get on my soapbox about why this woman is “ridiculous” or whatever. It’s insulting that we sometimes view our experiences and opinions as more valid. Perhaps our opinion is just more valuable to us and not any more worthy. Too bad we can’t hold space for others’ feelings and opinions free of attack. The author is a bigger woman and more tolerant than me that comments weren’t simply disabled.
As to the content, I found this article very insightful and helpful to my life. I’ve never once had anyone of any sex or race including my own family tell me my natural hair was beautiful. So if any PERSON were to do so, I might be taken aback. When a person recently expressed love for my natural hair, it lifted up a hidden shame I didn’t know I had, and this even though I’ve been natural for 12 years. Our hair being ignored/unseen in popular culture and met with negativity or even neutrality (as was the case in my own family) is a failure. I won’t bloody the water with the sex, race or relation of the person who complimented me so may the sharks swim on by.
Yeah the thing is, when i read this post I thought a few things.
1) I also really feel uncomfortable about the “kitchen” in the back of my head.. but as of late iv been too lazy to do anything about it. Not that i ever do anything about it other than brush it or cover it up in protective styling as much as I can. However so i love the point she made. Why must I be so ashamed? of my beautiful curls?
2) I have also recieved so much slack for my tightly coiled hairs. my mother was the biggest bully, she actually told me that I have ugly hair. she wud always try and shave my head because she couldnt deal with my type of hair (4C) or she wud drench me in relaxers. So naturally i learned to internalize a lot of self hatred for my hair…. which I am now slowly unlearning.
3) White supremacy is the reason my mother bullied me so much about my hair. She was taught that sleek straight hair is the ideal. She was brainwashed by the white system.
4) I think we should learn to love ourselves not because someone else has told us it is ok to love ourselves, and our hair. especially a white person. To me that is where my eye brow raises in concern. Because its amazing that you now have a new perspective, but at the same time its sad how that perspective was gained. Its like..it comes across to me as if maybe as enlightened as you are and as much as you have managed to decolonize your mind and your hair and i admit it is a daily process with loads of mindsets still to be unlearned (at least for me that is) – one thing I think should be on your list to unlearn is the idolization of the white man’s gaze. I would have preferred that when he said ur “cute curls” u wud b like -thefuck? na my curls aint cute! and then moved on believing they not cute until some point in life when you have ur own breakthrough and realization that is independent of his comment. but rather dependent on your own efforts of self love.
anyways im jus rambling. and either way it is simply my opinion.
kind regards xx
my “kitchen” and the kitchen of all the naturals i know is usually in the middle of our head, and the back is the softer part with looser curl pattern. anyway i hate that middle part, it does its own thing and i can’t tame it at all
Some people don’t view the term nap(s) as negative…like me.
I think we should stay away from using word that’s whites used to negatively describe us
Yes, it is like we agree with the term with the we use it in the same negative way.
I don’t feel like “white people” in general overall see and appreciate the beauty of natural hair. I don’t think black people by and large do either.
The most negative comments I’ve gotten about my hair have come from black people, BUT i’ve also gotten them from white people, too – the “microagression” stuff. Like “her hair is soft, not like yours,” from people who’ve never touched my hair and have no idea how soft it actually is. =p
White people over all don’t get it. But this article is about this lady’s boyfriend who happens to be white.
Funny how other cultures are able to appreciate our beauty as Africans that we were taught to hate. What’s not funny is when they profit off of it furthering the grossly disproportionate distribution of wealth that the Trans Atlantic slave trade established during this country’s formative years. A little off topic I know but back to your point: White supremacy (in our community) taught you to how to hate your hair and now your white lover has taught you how to love it! I suppose its only right… Congratulations!!
No disrespect intended IJS though… -_-
I hate the fact that people especially black women call their tight curls, naps. They are not naps, they are very tight curls that are beautiful in every way. Just because they don’t look a certain way doesn’t mean they’re ugly and that you have to hide them. EMBRACE the curls!
I think it is a valid question, glad nobody has responded negatively to it. I’m sure that some probably do ‘slick’ their edges for the very reason you have stated. I’ve observed other reasons as well. The reasons include blending the edges into the rest of the style-sometimes a little product stretches tighter edges so they blend more neatly into the rest of the hair. Some do it because their edges are so fragile, they get caught in a comb or brush or on their fingers as they style it, so they have to apply something, even if only slicking it with water, to avoid breakage. Some just prefer the way it looks, not necessarily disliking the texture, just thinking it looks neater. That’s my reason; I have fine curly hair, and at the temples if I don’t use a little water & oil, or a tiny amount of one of these edge smoothing preparations, just that part explodes into little poofs that make it look like I forgot to style my hair before I left the house. Those areas don’t grow past 2-3 inches, so I can’t just pull it into my ponytail and avoid slicking.
I’m glad you made peace with it. When I was a hairstylist, I used to get mad when my customers called any part of their hair ‘kinky’ or ‘nappy’. I would correct them by reminding them it was simply tightly curled. Mind you, this was during a time when relaxers and even Jherri Curls were the popular styles. They still got their chemical services as they wished (and the chemicals are what eventually ended my cosmetology career, they are not good for anyone!), but it was my hope that reminding them their hair was simply a tighter curl than what mainstream considered curly, that even if they chose a relaxer or curl, they would still appreciate the natural texture growing from their scalp. Literally, if you look at a strand of hair closely no matter how tight it is, it is a spiral form, with few exceptions. If you don’t see the pattern, put it in water for about a minute so it softens and coils into its natural pattern.
I think sometimes it takes someone else to see the beauty. And because we don’t see many afo americans flaunting their natural hair in the media we tend to forget how beautiful we are. Black White yellow Red people are beautiful
White savior bullshit.
I find it hard to believe that no Black man in her life has never told her that her natural hair is beautiful…This man would not be excluding the kitchen.
But aaaalllloovvaaa sudden her ‘white’ bf refers to them as ‘curls’ and it’s revolutionary.
We as Black women just set ourselves up for these attacks against interracial dating because we’re always validating how we magically learn to love ourselves though appreciation from Whites.
Tbh perhaps it was just the fact that someone else had openly appreciated it regardless of their skin tone and ‘race’. Perhaps no other man had paid attention to it, its really NOT everyday hate on people you know. Perhaps just sometimes appreciate a great article about a woman who is beginning appreciate herself. Not everyday “white saviour” and white bashing… LOL JUST LOVE YOURSELF!
You’re not natural or you have never worn your natural hair in public before all of us naturalistas know that the majority of the backlash we get and pressure to relax our hair is from our own specifically the men. Yes there are some whites who can not appreciate our hair but it is mostly those of the African American community who were taught to hate their and others natural hair and teach these practices to their children my black parents permed my hair as a child simply because it was natural and that’s what they were taught not my white neighbor friend or teacher and just turn on the radio tv or YouTube and you will find black men putting down our natural hair calling us nappy headed h*** and such get a grip on reality more naturalistas are dating and marrying white men because they encourage and love our natural beauty because they are not bound by a self perpetuated stigma of self hate and an overall feeling of inadequacy.
I have never in my life found the audacity to tell a random internet person who they are and what they’ve done, but that clearly made you feel superior so we’re just gonna go head & roll wit it.
Hm. But it looks like *YOU’RE* the one bound by a self perpetuated stigma because your entire comment was about how Black women are justified running into the arms of White men because *SOME* Black men do not appreciate natural hair. Keyword:some. You swirlers will twist anything and everything about white supremacy to justify your fetishes and low-self esteem. I’m with you on the premise that internalized anti-blackness is REAL and BM have
I’ve been observing how some black women on the internet seem to have snap reactions to stories of other black women in interracial relationships. Women who, whether you approve or not, are living their lives however they want. Reading your posts I have come to realize that I am disgusted with women like you.
You think you know everything. You think quoting some Garvey means you’re like the blackest person on the planet. You think because you only date and defend black men you couldn’t possibly be seen as an idiot when you express disdain for black women who date IRR. You can’t seem to stay away from stories about black women who “swirl”, you’re attracted to this topic like a bee is to honey. But why is that? Why are YOU so concerned with another black woman’s life choices? Why are YOU consumed with attempting to school black women on their self hatred (as if you have none yourself because you know some black history)? Are you a psychologist, are you certified to diagnose people? What do you hope to accomplish by trying to type out snappy responses to people you don’t personally know?
When I see black women responding in the way you have to IRR topics it leads me to believe there is some kind of jealousy at play. You won’t own up to it, of course, but you sure as hell will keep sticking your nose into an issue you obviously know nothing about. Here’s a tip: if you have such contempt for IRR topics you could try ignoring it so as not to be an offensive jerk to women who do date IRR. But that’s only if you truly care for your sisters, I get the feeling you do not because self hatred and patriarchy. See how easily you can be diagnosed by a stranger? Police your fellow black women because we’re easy targets… even for fellow black women. Congratulations, you’re an oppressor.
Don’t be upset your sisters are living life on their own terms and finding love and acceptance wherever they do, while you aren’t. You need to ask yourself why black women who date IRR burns your bacon so bad and come to terms with how to get over it and find some happiness in your own life.
tl;dr – Figure out your own shit before you attempt to come for other black women. Good luck.
The fact that you said the poster’s comments about irr is based on jealousy, says everything about YOU. Obviously you think having a white man is status symbol. You talk about some black women bashing irr, what about those praising/bragging about their white man while bashing black men? Getting a white man really isn’t that hard either, maybe she is like me and just loves and appreciates good black men…shocking thought I know.
I have never had the audacity to tell a random internet person who they are or what they’ve done, you sound silly.
It’s YOU who is stuck in a self perpetuated cycle of anti-blackness, because all your comment was about was praising White men just because *SOME* Black men do not appreciate natural hair, and *SOME* BM may have disrespected you. You swirlers will twist any & everything about white supremacy to justify your fetish and low self esteem — THEY ENSLAVED YOU, of COURSE they’re not suffering from an over all feeling of inadequacy, they’re not fucking marginalized. But Black men are.
Um Black men do need to step it up. Malcolm X was black in time when America was much worse in terms of racist laws and the like. He taught self love IN SPITE of this. Black men don’t get a pass because of slavery if anything they should be the most outspoken advocates because what is a community without it’s men defending it? I would go as far to say that th number one calling of a man is to defend and protect the women and children in his community. Black men collectively fail to do this and are marrying out of the black race at more then twice the rate as well as putting white features like light skin and straighter hair on a pedestal. So ultimately I don’t feel bad for them, sorry if white people can make black men hate black women or prefer white women and abandon their community and even mock it then that just shows that black men are weak because only weak men would allow other men to dictate to them and control their mindset like that. Literally. That is such a huge sign of weakness it makes me so frustrated! We need men like Malcolm X and even MLK, men who actually revolutionized things for black people, not these white washed black men who can’t keep it together and chase white girls like a prize but then want to make excuses when black women start dating out it’s not our job to defend men it’s their job to defend US.
“Who taught you to hate yourself!?” — identify that quote for me. Black men, nor Black mothers taught you to hate your natural kinks, WHITES taught us to hate ourselves and our features are still being either diminished, altered, or stolen today.
Since you’re such a “naturalista” then maybe you should go find a Black man, and make little afro-haired babies, since our natural hair is so beautiful and all. But you might not do that, because since White men are so superior, you want your baby to have that wavy shit, no self hate issues for your little biracial angel.
However, I understand that literally, within our community Black women’s natural hair is ostracized, and the coilier & kinkier the worse it gets. But that does NOT mean White men are the “answer” and the majority of them “love and appreciate our curls”, YOU get a grip on reality, those White men are the MINORITY hunny. Black men need just as much healing when it comes to loving Black women and themselves too.
Whites weren’t the ones calling my hair nappy.
It just doesn’t seem right to characterize, stereotype, or clump one group all together like that. I have had bad experiences from some men, some women, some blacks, some whites, some Asians, some Latinos, some gays, some straights, some teachers, some cops, some grocery baggers, etc… I am just glad not everyone takes a bad experience (that may or may not have happened personally to them) and clumps an entire group together for hate. It’s just not a good thing to hate… ever. 🙁
Lol! I’m a little late to the discussion but I think this is spot on. I have had men of all different races compliment my hair black, white, hispanic whatever it’s usually the first compliment I get from men trying to hit on me. At the same time I understand that a lot of black people hate themselves, to this day my mother does not call me hair beautiful nor does my dad (though I will say my mom has actually criticized my hair while my dad simply has no opinion), my “old school” parents think nothing of “nappy hair” and because of that I think a lot of black girls grow up thinking everyone of all races hates afro hair. If you grow up in an environment where black people are constantly putting you down for your natural blackness it will feel pretty good for someone of another race to compliment you on that blackness. Nevertheless black women should understand that black men have complexes about blackness too and that self hatred is ingrained in us collectively. White people obviously don’t have this complex and therefore will be quicker to compliment blackness especially if they are dating a black person it’s really all novelty to them. Also lots of white people actually think blackness is ugly but of course black people wouldn’t be as aware of them because those white people don’t associate much with us by choice so it’s an illusion that whites are more accepting of black beauty since only the ones that do would be dating us to begin with.
Been natural 5 years. Got my first compliment from a Black man 3 months ago. Started from White men immediately.
That isn’t a ranking of White compliments or opinion as better, it’s just a matter of fact, so I can believe that she’s being genuine…after all, if she was excluding her kitchen as beautiful, why couldn’t Black men (who were very likely slow to appreciate her going natural) be doing the same? Why assume it was included if they were complimenting her?
I agree that setting Whiteness as a standard is a problem, but sometimes you need a new perspective to appreciate what’s “normal” (or even negative) to you and the people you know.
Honestly, I can’t imagine a black man complimenting a black woman’s kitchen. Not because they hate it but because it’s the kitchen. It just does what it does and is nothing special lol. A white person might find it fascinating because it is different from theirs.
Girl, please.
I’ve NEVER NOT ONCE IN LIFE EVER had a black man even compliment my hair let alone my “kitchen”.
And yes my white boyfriend DOES appreciate me and my hair and my skin more than any black man ever has. Sorry. Just facts. I don’t need validation from white men and I don’t need validation from black men. I learned to love myself, by myself; no white man taught me that, and certainly no black man taught me that.
This is just a simple observation I’m making between how black men typically percieve me vs. how white (and other) men typically percieve me. Black men are too inundated with self hatred to appreciate me for who I am and what I look like.
Look, Black women like you, in your position, are incapable of giving an unbiased perspective of how Black women can validate OURSELVES in the collective conscious. Ya’ll have already been validated by White males at a critical point when you did not YET validate your own unique beauty, and when ya’ll come to me telling me one White male has corrected the multitude of rejection from many Black males – I don’t trust it.
But your response was inundated with anti-blackness as well. Against our men, whom have their own degradation and trauma under White Supremacy, which is indoctrinating THEM into a flawed beauty perception, and you laying up under some White boy who tells you your beautiful is in NO WAY a solidifier that a brotha can’t do the same thing! I find it interesting that so many BW who now have White boyfriends almost ALWAYS speak upon rejection from Black men (BM do say similar things why they end up dating IR) as the catalyst to why they’re now with a White male.
Now that my initial comments are 6 mo old, and I’ve continued the conversation with other readers and have garnered other perspectives (plus the author wrote an update blog) I’ve come to the understanding that some BW are superimposing “lived experience” of anti-blackness in front of other’s “lived experience” of validation and positivity in their Black skin. (this is you.)
The author has every right to write her blog and I understand she’s not speaking as an authority. But she also understood that it rubbed some BW (like me!) the wrong way, due to the curveball of her partner being a WHITE man, the incidentals of her “realization” are completely different than what most Black women are familiar with when their partner is Black. This familiarity unfortunately may include anti-blackness/degradation of our physical features – sometimes – in my lived experience this hasn’t always been the case pertaining to my hair but definitely pertaining to other characteristics about me as a BW. I’ll say it again: White Knight complex is at play when a White person can validate you and you remain jaded in relation to garnering validation from other Blacks. This isn’t liberation, it’s still subjugation because liberation would be Black women and Black men validating each other’s beauty collectively. (we’re working on it).
Anyway, it’s unfortunate that no Black man “ever”, not yo daddy, uncle, brother, best friend, cousin or neighborhood random, has “never” complemented your natural hair. But it’s believable. Personally, I do not have the kinkiest and coiliest texture, but it’s definitely Black – it’s definitely got some naps and I get compliments from all types of men all the time when its straight or natural. (Not trying to be smart, but my experience.)
I agree with you. I seek validation from no one. Take me or leave me.
Don’t like my “kitchen”. Shaves it off.
Black women can take tings out of context. I don’t know how a tiny portion of your hair that you don’t even see and that others rarely see can cause such an uproar. smh
http://www.coilsandglory.com
“Why is it that white people instantly see and appreciate the beauty of our natural hair and we (or our own) don’t and have so much criticism for it?”
Just so we are clear, we are talking about the same white people who banned black women from wearing natural hairstyles in the military? The same white people who won’t give jobs to qualified black men with dreads? The same white people who do not cast natural haired women in leading roles on tv and the big screen????
Lordttt!!! Can we have some context when we discuss hair and race??
I doubt the poster was referring to the same people that you listed above when they made the comment about white people seeing beauty in natural hair because that would make no sense. Obviously if she was referring to the “white people” you referenced than her statement would be false. It is more natural to assume she was referring to people that don’t judge on ethnicity and simply see beauty in things that are beautiful.
Guuurl… *exhales* The “white people” I mentioned are the system, the majority, the institution and the systemic ideology that historically socialized black people to hate their natural features. There’s no need for making bold declarations about white people appreciating our beauty more because a few white men who love sistas are checking for you. Look at the bigger picture.
go in and let have!
Well said! They started this whole insidious race-wreck in the first place!
Good article! We are beautiful and so is our hair…the “kitchen” too…self-love gotta love it!
Lordttt
Agreed. I finally watched the Dark Girls doc and the undercurrent that you speak of was omnipresent. All the while I’m thinking… Has there been some seismic societal shift that I completely missed?? It makes me more than uncomfortable… it makes me feel quite sorry for us.
Yeah, I would have understood if she added a note somewhere like “btw my bf is white,” but having it in the title is like *shrug*
I think the article seems like it’s more about finding validation from a loved one, rather than about who it’s coming from…so it would have been nice if that were the angle as opposed to the focus on the fact that he’s white.
Well, let’s pump the breaks a bit. White people enforced (and still enforce) this standard of beauty, whether they realise it or not, and we internalised that racism (and have for 100s of years). That’s literally where black folk’s hatred of themselves comes from.
This situation’s a little different because the writer’s talking about their white significant other and we always search for validation from people we love, but…
I typically take non-black people’s compliments with a grain of salt because as long as a white standard of beauty is in place, there’ll still be problems with people of afro descent showing up in public with our natural hair in all its glory. I feel like it’s similar to when a white person talks about being envious of browner complexions because they can’t tan, while I’m sitting there thinking “as if you’d give up the privilege your skin colour affords you for all the baggage that my skin comes with.”
I don’t know that this article is about validation or even validation by the “white savior”. I think it’s more of a realization and acceptance. Sometimes epiphanies happen at any time and through anyone… This instance just happened to change her perspective and she accepted her kinks or “Os” as curls and that they are cute…
I think it’s because they don’t know anything about it or black beauty standards. It’s like asian eyelid stuff. I know a lot of asians, but I can’t tell single from double lids- I just see tilted eyes. It will never be important to me but I know it’s a big deal. Unless a white person has black relatives or lots of black friends, they don’t know what any of those words mean, or what values we attach to them. They think our hair is beautiful because it is. I also think they like it because it’s so different than theirs.
I don’t agree that black people in general don’t like natural hair though, but I think many of us have been taught to dislike it and think that straight hair is more beautiful and presentable. People who don’t like natural hair are VERY vocal about it. No one ever told me they didn’t like my relaxed hair, and even though I get mostly compliments, it was weird to have a few people tell me to my face they didn’t like my hair. I went natural at 15, but it was because it was too hard for me to straighten daily, and believe me I tried. I din’t think that girls who had curly hair were pretty, and considered my new look a downgrade.
I’ve been natural a long time, and little black girls have always LOVED my curly hair more than my relaxed hair. When my hair was relaxed and down to my waist, I would think they would have complimented that more, since technically it’s the beauty standard (it certainly was mine), but their reactions to me walking around were one of the main reasons I haven’t gone back to a relaxer in 16 years. It’s natural to love natural hair 🙂 I think over time we get all these messages from various places and it can have a negative affect on how we see ourselves.
When I was in 7th grade, I had my hair natural after going through a traumatic experience with a relaxer; my aunt used lye and no lye relaxers in my hair at the same time. The hair in the back of my either broke off or started sticking together. After a few months my hair started growing back and I had my little naps on the nape of my neck.
While in class, one of my friends (she’s Irish) said ” I love your little curls!!” And she pointed to my little naps. I was about to say to her “those aren’t curls, they’re naps” but then I realized that she was probably right, my naps are curls, and they do curl up…
I know! And it’s so sad. Our own men hate our hair, calling it ugly while men of other races adore it. My sis went natural and her very mixed but mainly Hispanic bf loves her fro, he describes it as bombastic lol.
I went natural but didn’t do a big chop, I had braids, just couldn’t do the TWA. I used to have natural hair when I was H.S. before it became the huge movement it is now so going natural wasn’t a big deal mentally. I like to mix it up with my hair all the time. Every time I took my braids out and to wash it and let my hair breathe before getting it redone, my bf would always be like “Why won’t you just wear your hair like that???” Now that it’s out, he loves it, he can’t keep his hands out of my hair.
I didn’t mind my kitchen when I was relaxed, I’m from the Caribbean though, we called it the greng-greng. I just liked to make sure it got straight. Now that I’m natural, I don’t care I’m just trying to see if I can actually get them to grow!
Why is it that white people instantly see and appreciate the beauty of our natural hair and we (or our own) don’t and have so much criticism for it?
Just the other day, one of my white colleagues was complaining about her hair not staying in place and stated that I (natural-haired black woman) “got the good hair” and it’s always cute and stays styled. I had to laugh to myself….the irony of those words.
I am so happy to see black women embracing their natural hair and reveling in the God-given crown bestowed upon them…..kitchen and all.
:o)
When i was young, around second grade. I used to play with the kitchen in the front of my hair. I would twirl it with my finger until it would break off, and then move on to the next one. I highly regret that because that very hair was my edges and now I no longer have edges to lay because I didn’t know better when I was little. I have started to grow back my edges, but the process is slow when you don’t have the money to buy castor oil or biotin pills
Oh yes! My view of my “kitchen” changed when I went natural. As the writer said, when I was still relaxing my hair 3 years ago, I made sure the hair dresser always applied ale properly on my “kitchen” because I hated the feel of it. But now, I don’t even bother. Since am all kinky so why wouldn’t my “kitchen” be? *smiles* Really nice article. And nice White Boyfriend she got *wink*
I’ve never hated my kitchen. But I did hate my hair before I went natural about 15 months ago. I used to like playing with it; I’d twirl it around my fingers.
I do love the title. I think that men of other races: white, Hispanic, etc. tend to enjoy our natural hair more in general. At least that has been my experience. I get tons of compliments from my non-black make friends about my hair but rarely are my black male friends impressed by my natural hair.
Ultimately it does come down to simply loving yourself. I love this article and this site in general. It has helped me immensely since i began my natural journey.
Never thought about it, it’s all part of my hair.
Nice post. I love when people finally start appreciating the features that make them unique.
I know that I may get some hate for this but I don’t understand why naturals slick back their edges. It seems to me like it stems from the same feelings that the writer felt towards her ‘kitchen’; feeling like the edges aren’t good enough, the way that they are naturally. I’m still yet to understand this phenomenon. If I’m wrong, please correct me but I sometimes feel like naturals do it to make their edges look like those of other races or to make them look like ‘baby hairs’ or how they looked before they started ‘turning’.
I had to comment!
I remember the first time that I heard the term“kitchen.” I was in a college classroom taught by an Afro-American woman professor. She could not believe that I was unfamiliar with the term and the shame around it. But I was oblivious to the term and shame. It wasn’t as though my hair wasn’t kinky and that my mother had not used a hot comb on it when I was a child. My mother never used the term because she does not have a kitchen and neither do I. My hair is 4c in the front and down the sides in a half-inch strip to my ears. The hair behind that is 4B and then the hair on the lower 30 percent to the nape of my neck is 4A.
One of the fantastic revelations to come out of the natural hair movement is the fact we can have many hair textures on one head and that there isn’t just one pattern of textures.
Our hair textures may grow out in a number of mosaic patterns. There is a vlogger who described the natural growth pattern of her hair to resemble that of a mullet. My hair is
like that as well. Since I started my natural hair journey I have grown 6 inches in 10 months at the nape of my neck and 3 1/2 fragile inches at my brow line!
Years ago, I dated a Chinese man. I thought his eyes were beautiful. I knew that xenophobic people mock the difference often presented by Asian eyes. But what I did not know about was “the operation.” Many Asian people especially women undergo an operation to open the eye. That shocked me! I couldn’t understand why they would want to change their eyes because I could not see what was wrong with them.
In much the same way, there are many people who look at us and can’t understand why some of us think our skin is too dark or our hair is too kinky and so on. It is extremely unlikely my ex-boyfriend ever saw me as any sort of “savior”. The takeaway is it is important for us to love ourselves and embrace ourselves exactly as we are as well as embrace and accept the differences amongst ourselves.
that’s what I say too…
Smh at this article. I’m glad my father told me how lovely my kinky hair was before I could get a chance to hinge my beauty or attractiveness on another person’s opinion. Thanks Daddy
Wow, that white penis is a magic stick I guess!
That’s what’s wrong with us…other people have to tell us we are beautiful for us to believe it. Other people have to Columbus what we have done for it to become good or accepted. We have to do it for ourselves and stop making excuses.
There is a disconnect between my post and the title chosen. Some readers picked up on that and I’ll talk a bit about that in the follow up post. Just stay tuned …
And no, the color of his skin did not play any role in “the validation of my hair” …
Keep tellin yaself that dear…”And no, the color of his skin did not play any role in “the validation of my hair”
You poor, petty, hateful thing. I pity you. Get a life!!
This site has been like a sanctuary too me you guys and all your storiesss.
I started a blog for a project and did a cover on going natural. Could you guys help me out and comment/feedback would appreciate it soo muchhhh! Thank you!
https://whatswithmariss.weebly.com/blogzone/why-going-natural-is-such-a-big-thing
I’m an African woman from South Africa. And African- American culture does filter through and influence our modern day living. But this is one of those things that I hope never affects mine, my daughters or other African future generations to come….I just don’t understand it. And I hope I never do.
like my husband 🙂
I love anyone who loves us, just as we are.
Really? You don’t? Are you African American? Have you ever relaxed your hair? Maybe an analogy will help. If straight hair allowed us to ‘hide’ who we really were, those ‘kitchens’ were there to tell the truth! Thats why any person with type 3/4 hair would understand. The edges always reverted first after relaxing/straightening. So it contradicted the image we were trying to convey, so anything and everything was done to hide reversion.
Yes im african american, i used to relax my hair, my hair is 4b. The “kitchen” never bothered me. I was never the type to slap on a relaxer at the first site of new growth.
Yes to all your questions and i’m a type 4. I still dont see the issue with it, no one i knew cared about it. Plus, i never was the type to slap a relaxer on at the first sight of new growth.
Lol. We werent all trying to “hide” something. if your hair is straightened it Just looks neater.
I enjoyed this so much. I think it’s great when the person you love can help you love yourself just a little more. And for those making this discussion about the “white Saviour” consider this. If her boyfriend were black/brown would the discussion turn into “Why does she need a man to validate what’s beautiful about her”? Any number of arguments could be presented to lessen the beauty of her realization. Can we applaud growth in self love without trying to tear it down?
Before I started transitioning in 2007, I used texturizers. The kitchen and all the hair in the zone above there retained what I now know to be its normal pattern better than the rest of my hair. I wished the curls were bigger, but It wasn’t particularly irksome.
I’ve been completely natural since March 2009, and since then, my kitchen hasn’t failed to amuse and irk me by turns. I’m amused by the perfection of the tendrils back there; they’re the most perfect miniature corkscrews to be found on my head. I sweat a lot in my head, so all the product gets washed down to that section, which has resulted in that section being where I get and keep the most moisture. Those curls are silky and very boingy, and I sometimes wish that all my hair was like that. But they’re also uneven, so when the end of one gets caught somewhere, and I discover this by tugging on something somewhere else not far away, it hurts! And that’s quite irksome!
Lol. It’s also your natural scalp oils shifting back there from perspiring and body heat; Even if you had no product in your hair, that part would do its own thing. Mine does the same thing, even when I had to stop using oil on my hair for a period of time due to a skin ailment. My curls are fairly loose (no tighter than 1/4 -1/2 inch) on most of my head, but by shampoo day, from my nape to my occipital bone, most of the hair back there is nearly straight! Curly hair is amazing and temperamental, no matter how tight it is! Glad you deal with it in a good natured way, makes life a lot less stressful!
Sometimes, its really ain’t all that deep. How about this man loves this woman and was just touching her neck and just didn’t see anything wrong with the small hairs growing back there.. they felt soft to the touch. So he just told her so….. no big deal. Every woman regardless of your color wants a man to notice her and in some ways validate what she already knows… that she is beautiful. I love myself….. but it always feels good to get some indication that I am lovable from someone else. I truly understand what everyone is saying on your posts.. I really do…. self love issues plague us all in varying degrees. Hate coming at us affects us all at varying degrees. However, please remember because many of us have been mind fucked so bad and we drank the cool-aid of self hate that we just grind on the issues of self-hate some much that the self-love energy can never ever reach us. I think we need to love our selves and if someone triggers that in us I say take it hold and let the self love fill you up until you can stand on it as truth regardless of what color the person was that held up the mirror of love to you.
Yes!!???
Beautifully said!!! ???
So far the best comment I’ve read on this post. I’m African so the word ” kitchen” means nothing to me. However we all can agree that there are things we hate about our bodies, our looks. Self hate occurs with each one of us & our loved ones can be the people who show us that what we hate so deeply is actually beautiful. Whether her man was black, Asian or whatever at the end of the day he started her off into a journey of self love. Which I find beautiful.
This is an interesting post, and I’m sure Chinwe speaks to a lot of women with her story. I think it’s not important what race her boyfriend is. What is more interesting is how we internalize racism, even if huge chunks of society have moved on from hating our image. It sounds ridiculous to us women because we are natural. Of course we love your. Yet, Chinwe isn’t lying when she identifies the “kitchen” as a place of shame for many black women. I thought it was once seen as the part of the hair which “revealed” one’s blackness, if they were once passing (partially or completely).
See, but this is why we’re confused in a lot of ways when we dissect race; we want to discuss internalized racism, yet don’t want to indict white supremacy. It is ABSOLUTELY important what race her bf is to the moral of the story. Who did we internalize racism from? White people. Which is why it is a profound revelation for a BW to enhance her self love via the affection of a WM. this is literally the reason why she felt it necessary to title the article as such.
Hi Nonye, It won’t happen overnight, but I do believe everyone can take the steps to loving themselves first, even after a lot of negative comments. Compliments help, but I do not think it should be the catalyst.
I find it fascinating how some men of other races find our natural hair beautiful yet some/most black men can’t even fathom why we go natural in the 1st place…
I think pointing out that he was white was for sensationalism, to stir up that “white savior” complex controversy or whatever, lol. I don’t believe this would’ve gotten the same amount of attention if it had said “my asian boyfriend: or “my native american boyfriend”.
Either way it’s about accepting & loving who you are & everything you were given so I’m this young woman is finally able to do just that.
I think it would have been fine if the title just said “My Boyfriend…” IMO the fact that he is white didn’t add anything to the story. It’s a nice story regardless. *shrugs*
Bryan O’Connor to the rescue…*sigh*
I stopped having a “kitchen” (a reference I never use personally) as soon as I went natural and started loving on my mane instead of trying to hide my hair with relaxers and other nonsense. My entire head is now full of “cute curls.” One of my exes, who was white, told me how much he loved my hair, and my response was simply “thanks.” I loved myself and my hair long before he did, and his approval was not some life altering experience. It’s a dangerous thing to let your esteem and worth stem from the opinions of others.
I’m sorry if I missed the point. But what does your boyfriend being white have to do with your kitchen ? You didn’t learn to accept it until you saw that he did? But did it really matter what color he was to begin with?
I’m just saying.
Never knew the term kitchen until an episode of Girlfriends. Not all naturals have issues with the hair at the nape of their neck or at their temples. This could be because not every natural has hair at the nape that behaves or looks like that of the example picture above. It could be that some people just didn’t care that much to be traumatized by it. I don’t know, but I don’t like all these whoa is the black woman’s image of herself stories. I never had any issues with my hair texture, skin complexion, facial features. I’m getting really annoyed with the clumping us into one scenario, especially when that scenario is always one of negativity.
So your white boyfriend was the first person that asked why you shave your nape area? Your homies never told you that you were buggin out? Not even the hair stylist? I ask these questions because if your boyfriend was the first person to question your actions, then I understand why you were suddenly enlightened. Furthermore, that would have nothing to do with the fact that he was White, since perhaps you would have had the same epiphany had you heard it from someone else that was close to you. Now, if your white boyfriend WAS NOT the first person that questioned you, and just because HE said it your epiphany occurred and your mindset changed thereafter…………………*sips tea*
I like articles like this because if all your life you hear about how horrible your nappy kitchen is or how you need to take care of the beady beads sometimes all it takes is for someone to call it nice. It doesn’t have to be a white boyfriend or a SO at all but just someone to give your a different perspective
I don’t think it has anything to do with “colonizer” (the subtle shade in this response…smh). Everyone values the opinions and support of those that we love. Sometimes it’s the little push that helps us in our journey to self love. I doubt the color of her boyfriend’s skin is what changed her mind — it was the fact that he was her boyfriend, a man she loved and respected. I hated my chin until my friend pointed out that many models have long chins and that she thought mine was pretty. When you value someone, their words hold more weight.
Well, the author put “white boyfriend” in the title of the post. She could’ve just typed “boyfriend”. To me, that implies the color of his skin played an equal, if not greater role, in validation of her hair than just the words alone.
Did she choose the title? If she did, it’s more likely that she knew it would get people to click on it and read what she had to say, or because of the irony of the situation. Like, I doubt at the moment she loved her curls she was thinking “White people like this!” . But, for example, as a person with rice as a major part of my culture, if an Italian dude showed me the wonders of rice, I would be laughing at myself — “It took an Italian guy to introduce ME to rice!”. Of course I could’ve been introduced by someone in my own culture and ended up loving rice just as much, but if someone from a pasta culture or potato culture had to introduce me it would be hilarious and ironic enough for me to mention that in the title, if only to laugh at my own blindness.
TL;DR version: I think the skin color played no part in making her LIKE her hair, but once she did like her kitchen it made the whole situation seem funnier, funny enough to mention it in the title.
The person above hmm gave you the reason
You are a lovely young woman with a fab mane and it pleases me so you’ve come to accept your DNA in toto. What I do find fascinating,as I’m beginning to read stories which echo your experience on ‘the Internets’, is that it seems those carrying the phenotype of colonizers are able to break the cognitive shackles many of us continue to carry. Is this because many of us will only take as legitimate the opinions of the colonizer? Nevertheless, it’s always a positive to be romantically involved with a person who accepts you as you are. Congrats on accepting your unique beauty!
I’m pretty sure she doesn’t think of her boyfriend in terms of his descent from “colonizers.” White men accepting our coils over black men has been an issue resurfacing over and over so it calls attention to the lack of empowerment from those in our own community. They were two little words that made an impact. It’s a wake up call to those black men who are still caught up with silky edges. It’s a nod to the black women who found self-acceptance outside their race when they should have found it within their community. It’s a PITY a white man is the one to give her that confidence when black men and women may put her down.
This is beautiful, Chinwe, but lately I’ve been noticing that the natural hair community has fallen in love with the “white savior” concept. It’s always I hate my hair, my family hates my hair, black men especially hate my hair, but no problem because I found a white man who loves me just the way I am and now I love myself, too. I won’t lie, my experience dating while natural vs. weaved/relaxed is more…diverse. But I have met black men and white men and hispanic men who love my hair and others who hated it. I’ve also had non black men fetishize me and my hair, as well. Natural hair is about growth and self love to me in our community and when I keep hearing these stories of how our love keeps coming from an external source (along side stories of how hatred comes from within) I’m not too sure.
Again, I’m not trying to discredit your experience, Chinwe. It’s just something I’ve noticed.
You aren’t alone. I too have noticed the “white savior” trend.
I don’t think it matters how and why black women start loving all things self, as long as it happens.
Mmhhmm…..
FUZZY EDGES FOREVER. Just like looser textures have their wisps of hair which dangle effortlessly, we have our own aesthetic. These naps are mine and don’t need to be laid straight or shorn. It’s not enough to be natural but know that all accompanying characteristics are within the spectrum of our hair type. It’s more than knowing which sections are 4A or 4B but knowing that the clumping of our curls at the nape is our own hair’s language. I surround myself with images of kinky hair and naps so I don’t forget that.
Click-baiting.
I always felt frustrated at my ‘kitchen’ – first time I ever heard that term but I am in the UK – when I used to relax my hair. Everything is so much less stressful now I’m natural – it’s just an extension of the rest of my hair – it fits! I love my healthier natural hair ?
Interesting…
I never knew this was a thing til i started reading hair blogs and forums. Like who really gives a flying fork about your nape hair?! I dont understand.
I never referred to the back of my hair as the ‘kitchen’. I also never had a problem with it so I can’t relate to those that do. But I look at it like the rest of my hair: accept it for what it is. I know there are some ppl who straighten there edges and nape hair to make it look more presentable. I just don’t get it. Perhaps I’m biased but I feel like we should embrace our hair in it’s entirety and work with it, not against it.
I don’t understand why we need validation from others to accept the way our hair acts. Ladies accept yourselves first!
I agree with your comment, but then I’m guilty as well. I see how validation from others can be the key to finally accepting ourselves. When you constantly hear negative things about ourselves from family, friends, media, etc we get use to believing it. Sometimes we need that one person who tells us differently because others have clouded our opinions.
So wasn’t untill your white boyfriend approved of it that you saw your napes as beautiful too….got it
This is like the third article like this I’ve seen online recently . The whole ” I didn’t appreciate my natural self till my white boyfriend told me he did, so now I love it ” not to mention its a sweeping generalization. I don’t think as many black women stress about their “kitchen” or their “naps” as this article made it seem. The natural hair movement is at an all time HIGH among African American women . articles like this would love to have you believe that we never appreciate our natural selves while other races do . I’ve also seen my share of stories where white bfs criticize “naps” and encourage black girls to straighten their hair or continue to wear weave . The fact the he was white could have been excluded because There are plenty of black men who appreciate a queen’s hair in its natural state .
Yeah. Not gonna lie. I don’t know what her boyfriend being white had to do with accepting her ‘kitchen’. It was a bit irrelevant.