Skip to main content

Black Activist Live Blogs The Aftermath of Her Rape

Avatar • Jan 8, 2016

27-year-old Amber Amour is a New York activist whose work centers on creating a culture of sexual consent and empowering sexual assault victims to report their assaults. Her first experience with sexual violence came at age 12, and she began her work in 2014 after being sexually assaulted by a roommate and finding the rape reporting to be incredibly traumatic.

I’ll never forget calling 911 and reporting my assault — only for eight male officers to turn up at my door. I was like, ‘OK, I said the rapist wasn’t here, so I don’t need eight of you, and at least send one woman, please?’ I don’t think they realised how traumatic it is for a survivor.

But then it got worse. One of the officers asked me if I was ‘sure’ that my rapist had known I meant no. ‘Maybe he thought you meant yes,’ he said. I remember looking down at his wedding ring and thinking, ‘if your wife says no, do you keep on going? Do you disregard that?’. Then, after all that, they ended up dismissing the court case anyway. 

Amour recently took her ‘Stop Rape. Educate’ tour to South Africa where she was raped while showering with a man. Shortly after she uploaded a photo to Instagram, with a caption detailing the incident.

We must warn that the description is very graphic.

https://www.instagram.com/creatingconsentculture/

https://www.instagram.com/creatingconsentculture/

It was only a few minutes ago but sometimes these things happen so fast it’s hard to remember all the details.… I’ve been sick for the past 2 days and today was my first day out. I went back to my old hostel to leave a note for a friend, Nick. There was another guy there, Shakir, who was desperately trying to get with me. I kissed him once but he seemed drunk so I told him it was bad timing, I had already met someone. Before heading out, I went upstairs to say hi to one more friend, Clyde from the states. Shakir followed me upstairs and said he was going to take a shower. He invited me to join. I said yes because the water at my current hostel is pretty cold and after 2 days of being sick, I just really wanted a hot shower. As soon as I got in the bathroom, he forced me to my knees. I said “stop!” but he just got more violent. He lifted me up and put his penis in my vagina. I asked him to stop, again, as I began to cry. When he shoved it in my ass, that’s when I passed out. I woke up a few minutes later and saw him trying to creep out the door. When he saw that I was awake, he came back to finish me off in the shower. I have all those fucked up feelings that we get after rape…shame, disgust, suffering. I’m here, alone, and any DNA has been wiped away in the shower. The South African police will just roll their eyes when I walk in. Feeling sicker than ever now. Needless today, I’m going to disappear for a bit. Just need to enjoy the freaking sun and call my friends and family in the states. Love you guys. Thank you for always being there for me. All the more reason to continue @stoprapeeducate but not today. Today, I need rest. #StopRapeEducate

In an article on Marie Claire, Amour explains why she chose to include all the details, perhaps despite knowing they would cast her as unsympathetic or lacking credibility.

I immediately knew that I couldn’t keep what had happened a secret. Here I was, telling survivors every single day that they should speak up… I knew I had to practise what I preached. So the first thing I did was take a picture and write a post, describing what had happened.

It was almost an intuitive thing. I was still in the bathroom — in the crime scene. I don’t even think I’d stood up. I just typed and typed.

I told the story truthfully — I wanted to convey the message that no matter what a person does, they do not deserve rape, they did not ask for it, they did not put themselves in a situation. There were definitely details I could have left out — there were definitely details I wanted to leave out — but I knew that if I wanted to create a culture of consent, I had to tell the whole story, exactly the way it happened. 

Amour also uploaded a photo of herself at the hospital doing a rape kit.

https://www.instagram.com/creatingconsentculture/

https://www.instagram.com/creatingconsentculture/

My view of the rape kit. Thank you all for being so loving & supportive during this time. Your messages pushed me to take action and to stand up for myself and for all rape survivors. For those who wish to BLAME ME or any other survivor out there, I want you to know that you are the very reason that I am so brutally honest. I could have hidden details. I could have kept some info to myself, but NO. You need to know the truth and to see the reality of the situation. No matter what a person does, it is not an invitation for rape. It doesn’t matter if I kissed him. It doesn’t matter if he was drunk. It doesn’t matter if I said yes to a shower. I never said he could get violent with me. I never said he could make me bleed. I never said he could rape me. But still, that’s how the scene went down. I don’t need to explain myself but if you’re wondering WHY I took a shower with him, it was written in the text, I’d been sick with food poisoning for 2 days and needed to sweat it out. My current place of residence has only cold water (third world problems are real!) and it seemed like a miracle to be offered a hot shower. That’s not what he was there for though, because as soon as he got a chance, he threw me to the ground and had his way. Dealing with rape is hard enough but the aftermath is often even more traumatic but I did this for you and I did this for me. The US Embassy and the South African police are super supportive and he may be arrested as soon as this week. Thank you for the love. And for the victim blamers, I send love, peace, and enlightenment to you so that you may be a beacon of light for us, too. 

Now, as you can imagine, Amour’s story has been a lightning rod online. She has been accused of everything from making up the story to promote her cause, putting herself in a position to be raped to discrediting other victims of sexual assault by publicizing what many feel is a sketchy story. However, the discussion has shone a bright light on expectations of women versus men in the aftermath of sexual violence. Rape survivors and anti-rape activists have spoken up to explain exactly why these beliefs are problematic. Names have been withheld to protect identity.

1. Consenting to a shower is not the same thing as consenting to sex.

PERHAPS she wanted to take a shower with him because she liked him? She consented to the shower but she did NOT consent to sex. I can consent to one thing and then say no to sex. If you pursue sex anyway against my wishes then that is rape.

If even women cannot understand that there aren’t exceptions to the concept of consent, then there really is no hope for men.

2. The discussion around Amour’s story suggests that many believe certain situations JUSTIFY rape and there is a point beyond which men cannot control themselves, and will have no choice but to rape. Thus the victim, and not the rapist, is held accountable for her assault.

The question isn’t why did she take a shower with him. The question is why would he rape her. Likely because he could. There are no consequences and even women blame/shame the victim.

Wow are we so badly trained to look at what SHE could have done differently instead of that HE is a monster? Craziness…women always have to change/do something different but the men can just simply be monsters and that’s cool.

We live in a world where people blame victims for their own rapes instead of the rapists who violated their bodies.

He FORCED HIMSELF into her body and you really are telling me that she is responsible for that? 

3. When it comes to the timeline for reporting rape it’s ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’. Amour has been criticized her for coming forward publicly and immediately. Other victims are criticized for remaining private, and waiting days, weeks or months after the incident to report.

So what’s the appropriate time? Some folks want victims to come forward loud and proud, immediately. To have their wits and courage about them and tell someone right away. Others think that a respectable waiting period is in order. Which is it for you? And if it’s the latter? How long should one way in order to be respectable, but still credible?

It is thoroughly ridiculous that women are castigated for not coming forward sooner. She comes forward moments afterwards and look at the result. People are still victim blaming, slut shaming, and questioning her common sense. Why isn’t common sense not to rape someone? Why isn’t it common sense that people are entitled to determine what happens to their bodies even when you are turned on?

4. Many rapes and instances of sexual violence occur in a situation like Amour’s — on dates or in romantic and intimate situations.

Your daughter is more likely to get raped by someone she knows, which means that she will put the protection down because she thinks he wouldn’t rape her. Just like this guy, it was an acquaintance not some guy in a dark alley. 

When I was younger I did not understand that I was putting myself in dangerous sexual situations. I cannot stress this enough, I was ignorant to the harm that would later come and was still slow to connect my behavior with the outcome.

Back then, I would seriously not have understood the implications of netflix and chill. I would have expected literally netflix and chilling. Totally unaware that it is a set up and/or mutual agreement to mess about.

I would hang out with people at all hours of the night (I used to be a real vampire worked overnights the whole 9) and I never considered my actions as anything other than platonic and normal.

I did not understand the possibility of sexual assault and violence that I was exposed to until much later.

Waking up and realizing that there are a lot of people who would use you just as soon as they would hurt you is tough to grasp.

5. Rape is glamorized, sexualized and ‘pornified’ in American entertainment. On shows like Law and Order SUV and countless pornography sites we see pretty, young (mostly white) victims being raped as entertainment. Yet there is little public sympathy or appetite for real life stories of rape, especially when they involve women of color.

They’ll watch it on tv, in movies, read about it, write about it, laugh/joke about it, threaten to do it themselves but nah, don’t TELL them you’ve ACTUALLY been raped. That’s just too much

As for Amour’s attacker, he has been arrested and she has continued her sexual consent activism in Africa.

amber1

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
76 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
cryssi
cryssi
4 years ago

True or not.….this is disturbing.

I know what it’s like, so I would never discount anyone’s story. I’ve struggled and still struggle with blaming myself. That’s why I never reported it. I didn’t want to relive it or go though the “you did this ton yourself” pbase i heAR so much about.

I pray justice is served for her and she finds peace through whatever circumstances may be.

Mka
Mka
4 years ago

Just yesterday, I was thinking about the rape situation in my country. Violent gang rapes rarely get justice so we are a long way from even discussing date rape, and teaching men what consent is and isn’t. I remember getting so angry in my younger days when the youths at my church were called for a talk on how to avoid ‘dangerous situations’. I was 18 and sadly, I was the ONLY GIRL to point out how messed up it was that they called a bunch of young men and women to discuss rape, yet the focus was on how… Read more »

blu jamaican
blu jamaican
4 years ago
Reply to  Mka

Mka I completely agree. Both men and women protect rapists like it’s okay. I just want to scream at them. I never thought there would be so many females victim shaming here. Sad.

KosmoKhaos
KosmoKhaos
4 years ago

I hope she gets her justice and that man pays for his crimes. Rape-culture is disgusting.

Her.Me
Her.Me
4 years ago

I’m going to try to be sensitive to this.…I’ve never dealt with rape before, and I do agree that the guy was 100% wrong because she asked him to stop…however…if you are in a shower naked with a man you have kissed .…drunk or not..it can be seen as an invitation.…why else would 2 adults of the opposite sex be in a shower together unless both of them are homosexual and have absolutely no attraction to the opposite sex, and are just friends????.….and I also question how apparently there were so many people in the house and she screamed stop… Read more »

Dana Brown
Dana Brown
4 years ago
Reply to  Her.Me

Your comment is sad, but what’s even sadder is that people are supporting it.

I wonder, what kind of rape would it take for you to absolve the victim of any blame?

Rose
Rose
4 years ago
Reply to  Dana Brown

Rape is apparently the only crime where the victim should NEVER be asked to take precautions to protect themselves for their own safety, according to some “feminist” activists. -It is appropriate to tell the pedestrian not to walk alone at night for safety. -It is appropriate to tell the home owner to lock their front door. -It is appropriate to tell the online user to have a strong password to avoid being hacked. -It is appropriate to tell the foodie not to eat at restaurants with history of food poisoning. -It is appropriate to tell the driver to have EXTRA insurance… Read more »

NaturallyMe
NaturallyMe
4 years ago
Reply to  Rose

Spot on Rose. Knowledge is power. Feminism is about empowering women as equals. So let’s be smart and take equal amounts of personal responsibility.

Cosita
Cosita
4 years ago
Reply to  Rose

Yes a million times over. People can avoid neighborhoods and put alarms on their cars and houses, pay for credit monitoring as means to try to prevent being crime victims and nothing is said. Yes I should be able to walk down the street naked and not be raped just like I should be able to go on vacation and leave my front door wide open without being burglarized. Yet who does that? I suggest we older women help teach young women how to make better decisions to at least TRY to avoid being in vulnerable situations.

Yemi
Yemi
4 years ago
Reply to  Rose

I think you misunderstand what people mean when they say women should be able to do whatever without being raped. The point is that no one deserves to get raped, even when they engage in behavior that makes them more vulnerable. The point is that we spend far too much energy on judging rape victims for “putting themselves in dangerous situations” and not nearly enough time excoriating rapists for their behavior. The point is that all the precautions in the world won’t stop a rapist from raping and instead of focusing on telling women how to protect themselves, we should… Read more »

BB Shark
BB Shark
4 years ago
Reply to  Rose

Very well said!!!!

FrmSyriaWithLuv
FrmSyriaWithLuv
4 years ago
Reply to  Rose

I’m going to save this comment. This is truth right here!

Her.Me
Her.Me
4 years ago
Reply to  Dana Brown

You are entitled to your opinion, as am I. However I don’t believe in stupidity.…straight up. As I said he was 100% wrong.When someone is raped it usually involves sex.…if you are naked it makes it much easier for the rapist to get to you. This is just common sense. You’re asking me that question…but would you have gotten into the shower with him knowing that you didn’t want sex?…I don’t care how desperate your water situation is.…ok then boil your cold water and bathe…Again this is common sense and I’m tired of people trying to sugar coat it. I… Read more »

NaturallyMe
NaturallyMe
4 years ago
Reply to  Her.Me

I agree, and yes I am an adult rape survivor. Which is why I’m so adamant about this. But there is such a thing as signaling, in both animal and human cultures. A guy can’t wink, blow kisses, hug, punch your butt, or do the things that give a girl’s heart flutters, only to say he’s not interested and that wasn’t flirting…he was just being a chum. Every woman would rip him apart for such misleading (and therefore immature) behavior. But the same must be true for women, and we can’t psychologically dismiss our own responsibility to the situations we… Read more »

laila
laila
4 years ago

I HATE when people slut/victim shame. it’s sooo annoying how they keep giving men excuses to act like dogs. Honestly calling men like this dogs is an insult to dogs. She never agreed or consented to having sex with him . He FORCED himself on her. THAT IS RAPE. The most painful part is when other women blame victims of rape. It really kills me. She has the right to do whatever she wants with her body. She consented to a shower and that is it. He had no right to force her to do anything she did not want… Read more »

BB Shark
BB Shark
4 years ago
Reply to  laila

“She has the right to do whatever she wants with her body.” See, this is that sickeningly dangerous new way of thinking, imposed by third wave feminist. Have no regard for saftey and responsibility, just claim sexual freedom instead. Yes, she DOES INDEED have the right to do whatever with her body, no one is questioning that. Did you read the article? HE did not agree to the shower. HE was the one who asked, and SHE was the one who agreed. Lets not act like we are naive children, born yestarday. Stop jeopardizing yourself and your own saftey in… Read more »

Rose
Rose
4 years ago
Reply to  BB Shark

Ugh I agree so much. This wave of feminism is so sex-centric (and of course western- centric) that you’d think a man started it himself. In some parts of the world, women can’t even go to school safely. Yet western feminists are arguing sexual nuances that are irrelevant to most women in the world. These same feminists need to better understand that every performance and expression has an audience that will interpret it. You may think you are sexually liberated by being “platonically” naked in a wet, erotic situation with a horny, drunk man who you freely flirt with, but this… Read more »

Victoria Owl
Victoria Owl
4 years ago

“Shakir followed me upstairs and said he was going to take a shower. He invited me to join. I said yes because the water at my current hostel is pretty cold and after 2 days of being sick, I just really wanted a hot shower.” Consenting to taking a shower with someone is obviously NOT consenting to sex but considering her past experiences, shouldn’t she exercise extreme caution at all times? I don’t understand why she had to get in the shower with him vs waiting until he was done? Especially since she was seeing someone else? Either way, there… Read more »

Guest
Guest
4 years ago

What she’s doing is great. I’m glad she’s speaking out and telling the whole truth inspite of the criticism. I too felt she shoudn’t have put her self in that position; showering with him after she spurned his advances, but I also realize that rape is the fault of the perp and perp alone–not the victim.

Hopefully her own story might help other women make better choices due to the fact that being vulnerable can also put you in harms way, which in itself is a shame and speaks to the world we live in today.

No one can be trusted.

solowd
solowd
4 years ago

test

Cosita
Cosita
4 years ago

I think she is being a little to hard on the justice system considering the facts of the case. I can perfectly see why it would be hard to get a conviction after agreeing to get naked in a shower with the guy. I’m not saying the rape was her fault but she made a bad decision that put her in a vulnerable situation. Let’s face it most of us women have been young and naive at some point. Not everyone has older wiser people as guides. I’m not throwing stones I did something similar at 21 and was nearly… Read more »

Aisha
Aisha
4 years ago
Reply to  Cosita

You say you are not blaming the victim but that is what you are doing. It is never the fault of the victim. It does not matter if it is a man doing it to a woman, a woman to a man, a woman to a woman, a man to a man. If someone ignores the “No!” of the person they are having sexual relations with and continues what they are doing, that is the point where it becomes sexual assault or rape. Full stop! There is no point in time in which a person ever forsakes the right to their own… Read more »

Cosita
Cosita
4 years ago
Reply to  Aisha

I do not blame her. I did not say she was at fault. I said she made a bad decision that put her in a vulnerable situation. That is a fact. Just because someone is vulnerable does not compell the other person to take advantage of it. Just because I leave my car unlocked doesn’t justify you stealing my stuff but I do make myself more vulnerable to theft by not locking my car. That’s what I mean. I want us to teach our girls how they can at least TRY to avoid situations. What’s wrong with that? I did… Read more »

Yemi
Yemi
4 years ago
Reply to  Cosita

Except that we spend SO.MUCH.TIME. teaching girls and women how NOT to get raped and it does jack. Women still get raped even when they “do all the right things,” whatever that crap means. That should tell all of us that all the precautionary methods in the world won’t stop a rapist intent on raping.

Cosita
Cosita
4 years ago
Reply to  Yemi

Perhaps it didn’t occur to you that is why I capitalized the word TRY more than once because obviously no precautions for any type of crime are absolute. Look how much money is spent keeping hakers out and they still get in. Banks have safes and armed guards and still get robbed. Most any police officer will tell you overwhelming amount of criminals are opportunists. They prefer easy targets with low risk for getting caught. . I have had many officers tell me of people who walk through neighborhoods pulling at dozens of door handles until they find one that… Read more »

Yemi
Yemi
4 years ago
Reply to  Cosita

It seems you took the most superficial reading of my comment and ran with it. Nowhere in my comment did I say that we shouldn’t teach our daughters precautionary measures. That is foolish. My point is that people keep bringing that up when these things happen, as if what they are suggesting is novel, groundbreaking or a viable solution to the problem of rape. As if women haven’t been told this from time immemorial. What woman alive doesn’t know all the “right” things she’s supposed to do to keep herself safe? What woman hasn’t been taught from an early age… Read more »

mlank64
mlank64
4 years ago
Reply to  Yemi

Yemi, Exactly!, Furthermore, how about teaching young boys to grow up and be responsible adults that respect women.…all women. Instead of raising a bunch of out of control f.….k boys who feel they can say and do anything to women. We’ve created a culture that puts all the blame and responsibility on girls/women and none on boys/men. Young 13 and 14 year old girls end up getting pregnant by grown men. We look the other way. Instead of dealing with the scum buckets that impregnate this young children (because you are by definition a child at 13 and 14 even… Read more »

Yemi
Yemi
4 years ago
Reply to  Aisha

Thank you. You’re one of the sole voices of reason in this comment thread.

SoCalGal
SoCalGal
4 years ago
Reply to  Cosita

Your boyfriend said it was your fault? I sure hope he wasn’t your boyfriend after that.

Camille
Camille
4 years ago
Reply to  Cosita

It would be great if all the men in the world decided that they shouldn’t rape women, but that may never happen. It wasn’t her fault, but there is NOTHING wrong with girls and women knowing that it is dangerous to be alone with men. It seems like the world wants us to all learn the hard way. Pointing out how powerful it is to CHOOSE who we let near us isn’t victim blaming.

BB Shark
BB Shark
4 years ago
Reply to  Camille

Thank you!!!!!! There is nothing wrong with acknowledging saftey first.

fromanotherplanet
fromanotherplanet
4 years ago

Chile…

blu jamaican
blu jamaican
4 years ago

I’m was so surprised to read the comments about ‘why did she get in the shower’ … Are you serious? Can women stop for a moment, breathe, and then stop protecting men like they don’t know what they are doing! They know damn well, and know people like you will defend them. Shame! I woman should be able to walk down the street naked if she pleases! I wish I had comforting words for this gorgeous courageous young woman, but she found her voice and stayed strong. Can you imagine buying your first smartphone and using it everywhere you go. Then… Read more »

Sein Maestro
4 years ago
Reply to  blu jamaican

So you can’t admit that she made a BAD…TERRIBLE decision? Because if you do you’d be forgiving the rapist? No hun the human brain is capable of both.

IDK if she trying to use herself to help me cope, but this is not right. Rape is intense. rape is horrifying!

cerulean blue 86
cerulean blue 86
4 years ago
Reply to  Sein Maestro

uh, and what of his BAD…TERRIBLE decision?

FrmSyriaWithLuv
FrmSyriaWithLuv
4 years ago
Reply to  blu jamaican

No, a better analogy is having a brand new phone and a stranger walked up to you and asked to borrow it and then he takes off running with it. No, he shouldn’t have stolen it, but you probably shouldn’t have let that sketchy looking drunk guy who has been telling you how much he wants a new phone use your phone. I hate victim blaming, but where’s the responsibility. This movement is going to get some poor, naive girls killed. smh We should probably end self defense training too. And I already know someone is going to take my… Read more »

Aisha
Aisha
4 years ago

This horrific story brings to mind the statement that rape is about power, not sex. It’s apparent that whether Amour consented to sex or not, this man’s intention was to brutalize her and cause great harm. Even if she was completely on board, the final outcome would have been the same, because he is a sick bastard. Rapists don’t WANT willing sex partners, they want someone they have to coerce or take advantage of in some way.

Vanessa
Vanessa
4 years ago

Maybe the situation she put herself in wasn’t the best idea but clearly she told him no he disregarded that and continued and did some pretty disgusting violating acts and when it was clear she didn’t want to do them she passed out during it??? He wasn’t confused or thought that’s what she wanted it he didn’t care and continued to rape her. No matter if ur naked or what ur wearing every person has the right to stop what they are feeling uncomfortable or don’t want. I’ve thought about this woman over the past few days and wrestled of… Read more »

alasia min
alasia min
4 years ago

This woman is impossibly stupid and it sucks that she was born into a world that doesn’t forgive stupidity.

I would never get into the shower with a drunk guy just because I want hot water. I mean really. It’s not normal to take shower with a man that you’re not sexually active with or don’t want to be sexually active with. Like seriously?

Both parties are terrible but for different reasons

Scarlett Fifi
Scarlett Fifi
4 years ago

At some point we must accept responsibility for our actions. I am not condoning his actions but she has to own her mistakes. Before this occurrence, she had survived two assaults and she is current advocating against rape. Her innocence toward the predatory nature of a violator should be out the window. The warning signs were written all over the place. It is not about blaming her. It just that certain things are a bite unclear.

Yemi
Yemi
4 years ago
Reply to  Scarlett Fifi

Um, no, you HAVE made it about blaming her and excusing him. In the seven sentences you posted about this story not once have you tried to shame the attacker for what he did but you sure took the time to criticize the victim. Ask yourself why that is. Does the man involved not need to bear responsibility for choosing to rape? We all make foolish mistakes but that does not mean we deserve whatever consequences come from them and the fact that you are basically implying she is responsible for being raped is sad and shameful. If you have a… Read more »

thebighomey
thebighomey
4 years ago

when i read she was naked in the shower with the guy …im like wtf? Don’t get in the shark tank and be mad when you get bit. She was playing games with the man to begin with.

BB Shark
BB Shark
4 years ago
Reply to  thebighomey

That’s the thing! I thought that too. I hate victim blaming, it’s wrong and people NEED to be educated.….. but people also need to have responsibility, awareness and saftey for themselves. She said the guy was drunk and tried to hook up with her, moments before. So she got into the shower naked with him..? “I needed a hot shower to sweat out my sickness” is no excuse for a lack of common sense and saftey. Third wave feminism is teaching women to be stupid. It’s all about me me me me, and everyone needs to look out for me.… Read more »

FrmSyriaWithLuv
FrmSyriaWithLuv
4 years ago
Reply to  BB Shark

Exactly. I agree he should have not raped her, obviously, but still. She should have just asked if she could take a shower later because she was sick. Hell, she could have used the fact that she was sick for him not to take a shower with her. With that being said, he should not have did what she did, but we need to address both mistakes. We can’t just preach for men not to rape and not tell women how to protect themselves from immoral men who don’t obey the law. That like saying, “Leave you car door unlocked… Read more »

Anonymous
Anonymous
4 years ago

As a rape victim myself, there’s lots to say about this situation. I was raped twice in one year and it was my first experience to sex or sexual relations which had altered my thoughts on sex. The first time was brutal, the second time I have in because I didn’t want to be physically hurt again. As a rape victim and survivor I normalized “rape” or unwanted sex meaning that the second offense when I gave in, that’s how I treated sex with men that I was dating. There was a point to where I could not tell the difference… Read more »

Dashara Adams
Dashara Adams
4 years ago

Just because she agreed to take a shower with him does not give him the right to rape her!!!

Yemi
Yemi
4 years ago

So you are “disgusted” by this and yet you devoted two paragraphs to verbally attacking this woman? It’s obvious by your words that in your view, the bigger crime here is getting raped than being a rapist. And we wonder why men rape when society is always so willing to give them a pass for it. SMH.

Rose
Rose
4 years ago
Reply to  Yemi

Yes, exploiting the damage caused by her own risk taking behaviors and turning it into a chance for likes on social media is disgusting. How can you end rape without taping into how one’s own risk behaviors can influence outcomes? This is a perfect example of that case. One cannot end rape without systematically dismantling the patriarchal social structure because rape and rape culture are products of that structure. That is true feminist work. Educating women to act like sitting ducks, normalizing rape as a part of the female experience, cementing the female identity with the role of victim is… Read more »

Yemi
Yemi
4 years ago

Thank you, BGLH, for not taking the common ground here and blaming the victim. We all need to do better and learn to have some sympathy for rape victims because NONE of us are above making a mistake that could change our lives forever. And no matter the circumstances, when someone forces themselves on another without the other party’s consent, the perpetrator is solely to blame, never the victim. Consenting to showering with the rapist does not mean she consented to being violated sexually!!! I truly feel for this woman and commend her for being so open about what happened… Read more »

Alwina Oyewoleturner
Alwina Oyewoleturner
4 years ago

Thank you for sharing her story. No matter what, a woman does not deserve to be raped. Nor should we blame a woman for being raped. You may be in an inappropriate circumstance, but that doesn’t warrant rape. I think the problem is sex and how it is overly hyped in today’s culture. It leads to men thinking they can just take advantage of a circumstance and have his way, without repercussions. Kudos to this young lady for speaking out and encouraging other women to share their experiences.

BlueCornMoon
BlueCornMoon
4 years ago

Why the HELL did she SHOWER WITH THAT MAN ? To him that meant she was open to sexual activity even if she did say no! Bad decisions like that make it difficult to be taken seriously when reporting & trying to prosecute an attack even tho the guy was a scumbag & wouldn’t stop. My mom always told me from the time I was in elementary school, that men don’t think like we do & that they can take even a simple smile or hello as a sexual invitation and that some men are just plain predatory. She said… Read more »

MOTHEROFSONS
MOTHEROFSONS
4 years ago

I HAVE TWO BOYS AND I SURE AS HECK WOULD TEACH MY SONS THAT NO MEANS NO. REGARDLESS OF HOW A WOMAN FLIRTS WITH YOU, HOW SHE IS DRESSED, OR IF SHE DECIDED TO TAKE A SHOWER WITH YOU NO MEANS NO. STOP MEANS STOP. IF A WOMAN ENGAGES IN ROMANTIC OR EROTIC ACTIVITIES WITH YOU AND THEN DECIDES SHE DOESN’T WANT TO CONTINUE, SHE CHANGES HER MIND FOR WHATEVER REASON, NO MEANS NO, STOP MEANS STOP AND THAT IS TO BE RESPECTED AND HONORED. MY SONS WILL LEARN THAT THEY MUST HAVE CONTROL OF THEIR URGES, AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY… Read more »

cerulean blue 86
cerulean blue 86
4 years ago
Reply to  MOTHEROFSONS

This!

Sein Maestro
4 years ago

First off this is the Internet. this entire story could be a lie and people are on here arguing over fiction. 1. This all could be true; if so she might be mentally challenged. 2.This young lady’s story could be completely made up to support her anti-rape campaign. Rape can happen to anyone anywhere, she of all people should now this. 3. Or it can be both. Just because a female says it doesn’t mean it HAPPENED. Females are no different then males we both have our crazies. But DO listen when someone comes out to you. You might be saving a life.… Read more »

Cosita
Cosita
4 years ago

“Except that we spend SO.MUCH.TIME. teaching girls and women how NOT to get raped and it does jack.” I was responded to this part which seems to me to indicate it is a waste of time to teach people caution and good decision making. We can say how many people were raped after doing all the right things but It is not easy to know how many people were not crime victims because of their precautions. If you read my earlier posts I said there are women out there who don’t have wiser people to guide them. Contrary to your beliefs.… Read more »

Yemi
Yemi
4 years ago
Reply to  Cosita

I am sorry for what happened to you and thankful that you managed to escape. But my point is, even if you hadn’t “put yourself in foolish situations” there is still the unfortunate chance that you would still have been a victim of assault. Because the problem isn’t being unaware or “naive” or stupid. The problem is there are men out there intent on raping and so all the precautions in the world are not going to protect you. You mean to tell me you don’t know/haven’t heard of girls/women who have gotten raped/assaulted when they were not “in foolish… Read more »

Cosita
Cosita
4 years ago
Reply to  Yemi

Just one more thing. If you look at the 10 commandments which have been around for a minute you will see in reality there has long been instruction given to people about how we should treat each other. Don’t steal, kill, love your neighbors, do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. The last IMO would clearly emcompass rape as no one would want to be raped. So if you were taught this then you were taught not to rape. Yet murders, thievery and rapes continue every day. So I wonder is saying men are raping because they… Read more »

Cosita
Cosita
4 years ago
Reply to  Yemi

I think to some extent you are reading past my words and filling in the gaps of what’s not mentioned in trying to interpret what you think I mean to say. I am not surprised you were able to lay down in bed next to a man and not get raped. As I stated before being in a vulnerable situation does not compell anyone to take advantage of you. Just like I said I have on several occasions gotten into vehicles with men I just met or barely knew and nothing bad happened. But it’s risky never the less. Have… Read more »

Kevin Bacon
Kevin Bacon
4 years ago

Why take a shower with a drunk man after he desperately tried to get with you?

Ennui
Ennui
4 years ago
Reply to  Kevin Bacon

Why rape a woman?

Milos Mom
Milos Mom
4 years ago
Reply to  Kevin Bacon

Regardless, that that does not give him the right to rape her. No means no, means no, means no. You can parade around a room full of men butt naked twerking for all you are worth and that does not give any of them the right to rape you. So your question is irrelevant in regards to the end result.

Christina Guillot
Christina Guillot
4 years ago
Reply to  Milos Mom

True that doesn’t give him the right to rape her. Nobody deserves to have that happen to them. But as a rape activist, wouldn’t she have taken precautions if it happened to her before? Couldn’t she have waited until he finished his shower or ask him to take a short shower so that she can get hot water? Hopping in a shower with a stranger who is drunk and knowing he desperately wants you seemed like a good idea?

Ebony Dawkins
Ebony Dawkins
4 years ago
Reply to  Kevin Bacon

I don’t think he was drunk when he raped her. I think she was talking about a prior interaction she’d had with him. This was someone she knew and with whom she’d been intimate, or contemplate intimacy.

Harriet Burgess
Harriet Burgess
4 years ago
Reply to  Kevin Bacon

Maybe she was a bit tipsy herself?

trackback

[…] website Black Girl With Long Hair published on January 8, 2016 an article on the rape of Amber Amour, a 27-year-old African-American activist whose work centers on creating a culture of sexual consent […]

cerulean blue 86
cerulean blue 86
4 years ago

There are no perfect rape scenarios. and no perfect victims. This is what womanhood can look like. being raised to adore men but fear them at the same time. and if we lean too far in either direction we are always to blame. a man can call a woman a hoe or a slut and nobody questions his word. a woman accuses a man of rape and people swear she’s lying. and need “proof”, but really no proof is ever going to be good enough.

Melissa
Melissa
4 years ago

There is no reason for anyone to rape anyone! However why on earth would she kiss him…then realize that he was drunk and tell him now isn’t the time. He then said he was going to take a shower and invited her to do so with him and she agreed to that. Where is the common sense to that? If you kiss someone and then agree for them to see your body 100% naked while showering how can you not expect them to want to sleep with you especially when you know that they are drunk…in all honesty she did… Read more »

Yemi
Yemi
4 years ago

Oh my god, and you keep going into rants that really don’t add anything to the conversation! You are also guilty of what you accuse me of doing: reading past my words. I’m done with this conversation because it’s clear I’m shouting into the wind…a pointless exercise. One last time: 1. Every time women are raped/sexually assaulted, society insists on telling us that we are somehow complicit in our violation because we failed to take the proper precautions/put ourselves in dangerous situations/dressed too slutty/other BS. 2. In doing so, society not only absolves men who commit these violations. This is what… Read more »

Cosita
Cosita
4 years ago
Reply to  Yemi

OMG. I feel the same way about you. LOL I think perhaps you are trying to connect my words with some larger platform idea you have about how “society” feels. I have never said any action or inaction absolves anyone of rape, any action or inaction merits someone be raped or that any action or inaction is a guarantee not to be raped. You have your reason for being frustrated with me. My frustration is you keep going back to “society” saying this after I made it very clear I DON’T feel that way. I told you multiple times I… Read more »

kia
kia
4 years ago

I’m honestly shocked she live Instagram’ed it. It takes victims more than 5 minutes to overcome their grief and express their strength. Of course, there are several other things to address, but I’d rather not share my opinion.

Youngin girl
Youngin girl
4 years ago

I was sick to my stomach. I could not hold still. Stay safe and stay calm.

Rose
Rose
4 years ago

I am disgusted by this. I think both people are sick. The guy sounds like a pervert. The woman sounds like an attention-seeker. No seriously, why on EARTH are you naked in a shower with a man you have been kissing and flirting with for days and expecting nothing sexual to happen? The thing is, in real life people are always testing boundaries. If you yourself do not even clearly define where your sexual boundaries lie with men (whom you have been flirting back and forth with), AND you then don’t unabashedly say no, I just don’t understand why you… Read more »

Lolalao
Lolalao
4 years ago

I’m going to just shut up on this one..I have a different view

thembe93
thembe93
4 years ago

Don,t force sex on someone who doesn’t want sex, that’s the thing to understand.

Women are always told to protect themselves, men are told to stop hurting women but when they hurt women it’s “why didn’t you protect yourself?”

Stop victim blaming

LADYDAY
LADYDAY
2 years ago

Checking back how is the case going? I pray you have not gotten into a shower with anyone whom has offered. You have to be careful. My mom told us that thing between your legs is like GOLD TO MEN, WE GIVE BIRTH AND WE’RE ABLE TO MAKE LOVE. WHY DO YOU THINK MOST MEN ARE TAKING WHAT WE HAVE THAT IS GIVEN TO US FROM GOD?

76
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x

Shopping Cart