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What if you don’t like what’s growing out of your scalp?

Avatar • Dec 16, 2010

A reader submitted the following email;

Hello, BGLH. Here’s my question (I would appreciate it if you kept me anonymous): What if you don’t like what’s growing out of your scalp?

I am 5 months natural and I big chopped without a transition. My hair is currently close to three inches long. For the first few months after my big chop, I kept it shaved down because I wanted an easy style that wouldn’t leave me feeling overwhelmed. And then I came to blogs like this and saw the marvelous results of other women that had their curls grown out. Since then, I’ve been diligently keeping the shears away from my hair with the hopes of obtaining a gorgeous medium-length by this time next year.

But as my hair has grown, I am feeling very uncertain about its texture and tendencies. Actually, it’s three different types of textures (soft curls, coarse strands, and straight-like frizz) and despite the fact that I have bought products to make it work (even hennaed my hair to get excited about my new journey), I’m feeling rather sad and frustrated because I only like my hair when it’s manipulated with gel into clean curls. Otherwise, on it’s own I feel that my TWA looks messy, unsexy, and… nappy.

I think what’s especially hard is that going into this, I had no idea what to expect. My hair has been relaxed since I was about two years old (I am 23 now) and even my mom can’t remember my natural texture (she told me that the main reason she relaxed my hair so early was because it was “difficult to manage”). But I took a risk because I desired something new for myself. Now I’m not so sure if this was a good idea. I now understand why so many women change their hair; if their natural selves make them feel haggard or unattractive, it makes sense why so many women stick with relaxers. And I’ve considering going back.

So again I ask: what if you don’t like the hair that’s growing out of your scalp? Do you force yourself to like it, or do you just accept what you feel (much like how I know I’ll never like mushrooms no matter how many times I try to)?

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Kali
9 years ago

Tough one :-/ I fell in love with the journey of my natural hair (had a perm since i was 3 as well). I would suggest giving it time, but if that’s the mind-set that she is in already w/ negative thoughts/perceptions of her natural hair, maybe it’s not for her at this time. I wanted to learn to love me for me, and un-do the societal affect/pressure of “mainstream beauty” that was pushed on me since my 1st relaxer, but i was also eager to make that happen. If you’re not at that point, then “it is what it is.”… Read more »

Latoya
9 years ago

I remember watching a youtube video where a vlogger stated that natural hair is about product placement. Most people have to manipulate their with their product of choice to get their hair to do what they want to do. No one washes their hair and it is suddenly perfect. The same is true with a relaxer. You can’t simply wash your hair and walk out the door. You have to add product and style with or without heat. Why don’t you put in braids for some time and think about it. If you still don’t like your hair then relaxer.… Read more »

KurlyKels
9 years ago

I say it’s too early to know for sure how it will turn-out. Just push through it and don’t give-up. My hair has changed over a thousand times and I’m only about 7 months in! Stop being mean to yourself…find a way to do it that you’re OK with. Let is grow and don’t be overcritical of yourself in the meantime.

Jc
Jc
9 years ago

Get over it and get over it quickly. The faster you get over it, the faster you will begin to enjoy your hair. Three simple things 1. Reprogram your mind. There is nothing wrong with your hair, there is something wrong with your thinking. Did you spot the only positive reference was to ‘soft curls’. Why do you not start finding compliments for the other parts of your hair.…..like beautifully thick and textured instead of coarse or soft fuzz instead of frizz. Compliment yourself everyday whether or not you believe it. In the end you will begin to believe it.… Read more »

KurlyKels
9 years ago

I say it’s too early to know for sure how it will turn-out. Just push through it and don’t give-up. My hair has changed over a thousand times and I’m only about 7 months in! Stop being mean to yourself…find a way to do it that you’re OK with. Let it grow and don’t be overcritical of yourself in the meantime.

Benita
Benita
9 years ago

I agree with Latoya

Chai
9 years ago

I’ve been natural for a little over ten years and it took me ages to feel confident wearing my hair out. It all happened in stages..even looking back on pictures of myself, I can pinpoint my mindset at the time…whether I was feeling apprehensive, confident…growing into myself etc. I think the biggest misconception is that it all happened right away…that suddenly, once the shears do their job and all the relaxed hair is gone, a revelation occurs. For some, this happens. But all of our journeys are different…filled with different milestones and struggles. I stuck with it because I was… Read more »

Bonnie B
Bonnie B
9 years ago

Hi Beautiful! The most unique and yet complex thing about your natural hair journey is that it is just that YOUR natural hair journey. Yes the suggestions and motivations of others is helpful in the process, and quite admirable. But you will always be the one standing in the mirror and taking in what you see before you. AS difficult as is sounds/seems. The first thing you HAVE to do is understand that this is your beautiful self in all its unique glory. I know it sounds cheesy, but your “dissatisfaction” can only present itself when you are comparing yourself… Read more »

luvmylocs
luvmylocs
9 years ago

i think if you’re feeling unhappy with your hair one of the best things to avoid might be natural hair sites and blogs because it might feed your dissatisfaction with your own hair. what about taking the emphasis of your hair? can you play up your makeup? is you skin good? what about your figure or wardrobe? i’m just thinking maybe taking the emphasis off your hair and focusing on something else while your hair grows out might help. you might look in the mirror one day and realize you really like what you see. i agree with others, if… Read more »

Chandra L.
Chandra L.
9 years ago

Ultimately, you need to do what makes u happy but I think you should seriously spend time sitting with this issue? Maybe its not about hair but self image, a matter of surrendering and accepting that this is what your hair is in its natural state a mix of textures and find the beauty in it because it is there and your hair is healthiest being itself rather then itching like hell as a relaxer is being applied. By the way you are not alone, transitioning is like withdrawal syndrome from drug addiction but instead its withdrawal from unlearning the… Read more »

HolyGhost Girl
HolyGhost Girl
9 years ago

Going natural is something deeper than just hair. For myself I have always had low self-esteem from thinking I was to thick in the hips, lips to full, or skin to dark. I am a strong Holyghost filled Christian and I knew that the thoughts that I was having about myself were not of God. I did a lot of praying, fasting, and soul searching for several months. At the end of those few months I decided that I needed to see myself as my creator intended for me to look. I transitioned for 5 months and the whole time… Read more »

freeyourheart
9 years ago

first of all, i applaud you for your honesty. not everyone’s journey is an easy one. and fortunately, i’ve had bad hair days or weeks, but overall, i’ve liked my hair. but luckily, you have options. i transitioned for about 9 months before i BC’d, so i had a fairly significant amount of hair to manipulate. and yes, my hair currently has three differen textures, wavy in the front, coily on the right side, and cotton‑y but gradually becoming more coily everywhere else. you can try braids. or stretching your natural hair. or get a relaxer. it’s really up to you. but… Read more »

Miss A
Miss A
9 years ago

When I first went natural 5 years ago my hair too was unpredictable. It took 3 years to get my hair to place that I am satisfied with. Back in the day, we didn’t get our hair relaxed at such a young age. I was 14 when I got my first relaxer, so I had some idea of what my hair was like. My texture is different than it was five years ago…more defined coils…much different than when I was 14. Learning good haircare techniques is a must! Keep your hair moisturized and use products with a low ph. Find products and… Read more »

jeje1718
jeje1718
9 years ago

I’m sorry to hear that you are so disgruntled with you hair. Sometimes the hardest thing about being natural is accepting our hair for what it is instead of what we envisioned it to be. Don’t give up on it just yet. You are still a fairly new natural. Keep on experimenting. Natural hair is not just about having relaxed-free hair, it is a mentality. It is a “journey”. A lot of natural sistas will tell you that it is indeed challenging at times but is also very rewarding. The key is working with your hair instead of trying to… Read more »

MsFenty
9 years ago

I agree with Latoya, most women manipulate their hair in some shape or form to get a certain look. I also think it may help if you let your hair grow out more, you may grow to love it (and I think you will). Plus sometimes long hair has more style options. Initially I wasn’t too thrilled about my texture, but as it continues to grow out I like it more and more. I also think that a relaxer is not your only option, you may not be in love with your texture, but you can disguise it by getting… Read more »

Courtney
9 years ago

I always think of the popularity of the double-eye lid surgery among East Asians and Americans of Asian descent. So many people insist it looks better to have double eye lids a la non-East Asian and South East Asian races. Meh, it just makes my soul hurt that that this is how our world operates. That we have to change the way we look through damaging and hurtful processes to appeal to a standard that was created because one race got lucky and happened to have the guns, germs, and steel necessary for world domination. I’m kind of on the… Read more »

Carmen
Carmen
9 years ago

The first time I transitioned, I did the same thing. Just cut. What I didn’t realize then was what grew as a result was “scab hair.” It took 8months- 1 year later for all of the scab hair to grow and my “real” natural hair to surface. Everyone else here is right … it could be a matter of product choice, or mind set, or time to adjust, or lack of good support, or even something like length. I guess I would argue that I’d give your hair at least a year to grow. If you need braids, or a… Read more »

Monique, Sofull Sista
9 years ago

To the author I say that the mind is a powerful thing. Although you may never be able to change your palette, there is ALWAYS an OPPORTUNITY to change your thinking if you are willing to do it. Accepting your hair comes down to a personal decision of accepting the woman in the mirror for who she is, kinks, curls and all. When I got my first BC, I thought I looked like a runaway slave. It wasn’t until my third BC and 3 years of self-healing and confidence-building that I came to accept my kinks as a beautiful extension of… Read more »

Sue
Sue
9 years ago

This is a tough one! My suggestion is keep it simple at this stage, and revel in it as well. If you feel you don’t want to deal with hair at this time, wear braids for a while and think it over, it will also help in length retention. By the time the braids come down, you’ll know whether to relax or not. If you decide to keep it natural keep the following in mind:- Be patient-It’ll take a while before you have really long hair and just as long to be your own styling guru! Alot of people put emphasis… Read more »

Ester80
Ester80
9 years ago

What a wonderful source of support all of you who have responded have been. The positive energy and love can be felt, I’m glad I’m part of this website.

Anon
Anon
9 years ago

I have been natural for 3 years and I still hate my hair. I don’t think everyone has to like their hair(regardless of race) but we do need to accept it. I accept my hair and do the best I can with it b/c it’s all I have. My sister hates her 12 sized feet too.….….

Raven
Raven
9 years ago

I agree with Jc and I hope I don’t come off harsh, but to me this question is like asking “What if I don’t like my skin color?”, “What if I don’t like the way I was born?”…

You need to change your thinking…

anonda
anonda
9 years ago

JC gave some excellent advice. I think also we underestimate the challenge of doing something new. If you took a brand new dance class you would never expect to achieve prima ballarina status in a few months! There’s always a learning curve with something new. Give yourself permission to get it “wrong” sometimes, and know things will get better. My martial arts teacher always emphasized that one o the reasons very few people reach their full potential is that they give up right before making a breakthrough! The pre-breakthrough period is often the hardest, challenging part. So to with the… Read more »

Olivia
9 years ago

The care of natural hair is much like that of relaxed hair. You do not always wake up in the morning and have the most amazing hairstyles. It is what you desire it to be. I noticed you said that you do like your hair when it is in defined gel styles, well, maybe that is what you need to embrace or maybe get a protective style and let it grow out until you have more options. Hair does change over time. Give it time. I’ve been natural for 2 years and even now I come to days where I… Read more »

anonda
anonda
9 years ago

oops sorry for the typos but I hope you got my point 🙂

sarah
sarah
9 years ago

my advice is to remember that you had your hair relaxed when you were 2 years old. you had no chance to get to know your true hair texture. so, see this as an opportunity to really get to know what your hair is and what it can do.

Diana
Diana
9 years ago

If u don’t like nappy hair relax it!
Simple

Ms. K. S.
9 years ago

OMG!! This sounds just like me when I went first went natural. I was so unsure of myself and what I wanted to do. It took me a long time to accept my hair as it is. It is not going to have large loopy curls but it does look great when I take care of it. The main thing I was doing was focusing on what my hair would not do and not what it can do. I also put more emphasis on my hair and less on other aspects of my wardrobe and my accessories etc. This is not… Read more »

ice
ice
9 years ago

i agree with whomever said you need to change your thinking. i have been natural for all but 4 years of my life (i’m 26). i have “soft curls” (my hair is a combo of “3b” & “3c” & people often told me how “pretty” my hair was, and in my head i was just like “whatever”. b/c in my mind, i thought hair was supposed to hang, lay, or fall in a certain direction. i didn’t want straight hair b/c i wanted to honor a black/african-american type of beauty. a lot of times i wished my hair was nappier so… Read more »

trackback

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Ev‘Yan N., Chai. Chai said: Great advice sharing going on today: “What if you don’t like what’s growing out of your scalp?” http://t.co/1Bix0Ej @bglhonline #naturalhair […]

Aiych
Aiych
9 years ago

Re-examine your reasons for going natural. You may have chopped because you wanted something different, a lot of people do. But if you are going to stick with it and love your hair then you need more than a shallow reason. Honestly.

Vanisha
9 years ago

believe it or not, relaxers do cause deep damage.. just hang in there, you’ll start to understand that head of hair. trust me!

Sass 'n Curlz
9 years ago

Just hold on tight as it will get better. When I first chopped my short hair was a bit frizzy/kinky but as it grew it became more curly still a bit kinky at the root but the ends are curly. I am saying this just to say that your hair will continue to change everyday of your natural hair journey. Don’t beat yourself up…learn to love what it naturally your own!

Tosha
Tosha
9 years ago

Relax your hair and stop stressing about it. Enjoy life! And I say this as someone who has had nappy hair for about 15 years. Unless you are suffering some serious damage with the relaxer, consider it an experiment and go back to what you enjoyed. Nappy can be good for some and horrible for others. Why sweat it?

Ray
Ray
9 years ago

When I first big chopped, I hated the texture of my hair. Like yours, it had completely different textures in different area. Worst of all were the straight parts…ugh they bothered me to no end. It’s been about seven months since then and as I’ve been discovering my hair regimen, my texture has changed. There are still different textures, but they’ve all become far curlier. I’d say to just take time and play with products until you find what works.

Bran
Bran
9 years ago

My hair story is your hair story! I have those exact textures on my head, I got a relaxer when I was 6 years old, and 5 months after my big chop I only liked it some days. And even now, 10 months in, I prefer the way it looks after I’ve set it in braids or twists for a few days. There’s nothing wrong with that. I DON’T BELIEVE NOT LIKING WHAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU DO YOUR HAIR MEANS THAT YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF OR THAT YOU’RE SHALLOW. Everybody, straight hair or curly, does something to their hair… Read more »

PinkGirlFluff
PinkGirlFluff
9 years ago

Tosha, I was thinking the same thing! I’ve only been natural a few months but I love my hair. I love each and every kink, curl, and wave. If I didn’t I would just go back to relaxing with the quickness. If a person cannot find beauty in his or her natural hair with all of the blogs, vlogs, and variety of products available online and in stores then there is really no hope in that person’s mind changing. You are stating that you hate the texture and the only way to change your texture is to chemically alter it… Read more »

fimifah
fimifah
9 years ago

I think I saw it mentioned before, but perhaps you may need to give your hair some time. In my personal case most of the “issues” I had with my hair were resolved after I spent a few month of wearing braids. At three inches I can more than understand the frustration you must be feeling with regards to your texture as it is still quite short to become completely acquainted with your hair’s potential. This is not to say that you cannot continue to leave it out and not grow to appreciate it, but if you are feeling very… Read more »

Eboni M.
Eboni M.
9 years ago

that is a tough one for sure.……:
Honestly, I’m on the fence with this one because if you don’t really enjoy your texture or the appearance of your hair, it makes complete sense to change it.…..but I’m only against using realxers now cause I’m natural. So before that I probably would’ve said “go ahead! perm your hair!!!” I honestly would suggest weaves or braids.…it’s just exspensive.…..

mysskay
mysskay
9 years ago

I agree with Ester80 and everyone else. I just wanted to show my support as well to let you know you are not alone. As with ANYTHING that is new and different, it takes time (how much time varies from person to person). One thing that helped me before I even started wearing my hair out was the blogs and YT. Imagery is very powerful. I continue to check in on a regular basis, not only for support and education, but it keeps me motivated, inspired and has broadened what I consider beautiful. The people online and in my real… Read more »

fimifah
fimifah
9 years ago

P.S. It might also help if you take the time to do some research on products and styling techniques that might be better for your hair. Youtube is a great resource for that as are blogs like this. If you can find a decent natural hairdresser also they may be able to help you to identify your hair type (not by the number and letter system but rather in terms of fineness/courseness,porosity, etc.) and what your specific hair needs might be. This also made a huge difference for me. Don’t give up! Feelings of insecurity about your hair texture by no… Read more »

MissD
MissD
9 years ago

There is a thing called scab hair and I think this is what she may be experiencing. But, truth be told, I used to compare my hair to other naturals. I would question myself: “why doesn’t my hair curl like that” or “why doesn’t my hair lay like that”. I have 4b/4c type hair, it doesn’t lay down, it’s cotton‑y, soft, and will stand up in a great big afro and I love it. After I learned to accept my hair for what it was, not a single person walking this earth could tell me anything :). And not only… Read more »

KLo
KLo
9 years ago

This was a good question and I actually can relate to it. I’m still in the transitioning phase of my journey. Been off the relaxer for 7–8 months now. But managing these two textures.….is more than I can handle some days. And as I wash my hair,I notice the immediate shrinkage, look at the curl pattern and wonder.… Damn, I hope my hair texture will look different when I cut off the relaxed ends. I have my appointment scheduled for Saturday for the BC, so I’ll be looking forward to seeing my “natural” self for the first time in years.

LittleOne
9 years ago

Wow, interesting comments. To the post author I say, give yourself some time and become informed about all of your hair care options. There is so much bad advice floating around on the Internet, it’s easy to understand why you might feel like there’s no hope. You have to learn what works for your curls before you decide you don’t want them around anymore. And like someone else said, don’t be discouraged because you can’t just wash n go. Beauty is all about options. We don’t say, “Oh my skin is uneven or breaking out — I better just deal… Read more »

ack
ack
9 years ago

You can also do different things with your hair at different lengths. I always have a hard time with my hair when it’s not short enough for twa, but it’s not long enough for a bun (or even two buns) — for years, i had difficulty at this stage, and then i finally just started pinning it back until it grew past that length, and now it’s great — so easy to manage, takes 10 minutes to detangle, easier to moistureize, etc. just the way i remember it from when i transitioned without going through a “short” stage.

BlaqueInfinite
9 years ago

Whatever. This whole natural movement is just as much of a fad as Afros in the 70’s. The status quo of long, straight hair and Caucasian features still remains, the insecurity still remains, and INTERNALIZED racism doesn’t go away just because you change the OUTSIDE. Hate to sound negative, but it’s true. While several women I’m sure have changed internally as a result of going natural, many women have not and will not. It does not mean one person is “better” than the other, but people need to realize that going natural does not always lead to self-acceptance, confidence, or appreciation… Read more »

Melinda
Melinda
9 years ago

I think that this is a journey of self love and acceptance which for most of us is brand new! I, too, would have loved to have discovered a head full of type 3c curls when I bc’ed but this was not the case, I learned to work with what I was given by the creator, after all, his hair was like lambs wool so I was in good company!

Nicole
9 years ago

My advice is to wait it out. You said you had about 3 inches of growth. The way your texture manifests itself differently as your hair grows, so you may come to like your texture more as it grows. Also, there are ways to style your hair to make it more of something you’re satisfied with. Hair is versatile, so you can be creative!

C.
C.
9 years ago

As others have stated, it is way too early to know what your true texture is. I assume you only have 2 inches of growth, and with shrinkage, maybe 1 inch is “visible”? However, if your hair is already showing its true nature, then learn to love it! At first it’s normal to be confused and a little unhappy with what’s growing out, but the more you learn to care for it, you will come to appreciate its one of a kind beauty. No 2 curlies are alike, so don’t compare yourself to anyone else. One thing I can suggest… Read more »

sage femme marron
9 years ago

Hey sis, I know what you are going through and the most honest advice I can give to you is “Stay the course”. I say this because I have not seen you yet and I KNOW that you are beautiful. Let me vindicate your feelings for a while and let you know that a lot of us that have made the transition from chemically altering to flaunting our gorgeous natural tresses have felt the same way at some time or another. NO ONE had anything positive to say about my new hair infact I felt so ugly at times due… Read more »

Amma Mama
Amma Mama
9 years ago

Wow Chai, your comment was so beautiful!

krmlwd
krmlwd
9 years ago

In my opinion you should consider or recognize that mentally transitioning is a big part of rediscovering your natural beauty or in other words how you really look. It shouldn’t be a struggle or for you to feel like you being forced to like how you were made. I would suggest to take a step back and evaluate what you think or see as being beautiful or feminine and why? Where do such standards come from? Continue to look in the mirror and stare at yourself and I mean really look at all of your features until you recognize the… Read more »

dobs
9 years ago

Patience is a virtue girl even when dealing with something that would seem so simple- as transitioning your hair. If you want to stay natural long term (or at least you think you do) maybe try something in the meantime while your hair is growing like braids or something that make you feel more comfortable. Don’t be discouraged yet. Most of us have gone through these days. Some days I really just want to throw a wig on to be honest with you. Especially being in the entertainment business it’s really frustrating because when you have natural hair you don’t… Read more »

anonda
anonda
9 years ago

Sagefemme your post should be printed out and put on the bathroom mirror for all new and disgruntled naturals. Powerful words.

iri9109
9 years ago

if i were you, i would tough it out for atleast a year…hopefully you will learn to love your hair, especially with more length and styling options available to you…after that, if you really need straight hair, you could try pressing or flat-ironing it and see how that works…and if you dont like that, if getting a relaxer will make you happy, get one. and if you ever want your natural hair back, then you can transition again…its hair, it will grow back…every thing happens for a reason, it’s due season…perhaps you arent ready for the mental and physical changes… Read more »

MP
MP
9 years ago

I love my hair, but I don’t always like it. I accept it for what it is though. Curls are lively like that. It’s multi-textured, messy and nappy. I don’t think that makes it inherently “un-sexy” though. Some days I like to be a pretty mess. On the days I don’t, I put it in an orderly hairstyle. I love each individual curl, but no, they don’t all look good together all of the time. Sometimes, I’m just in need of a haircut to make it look more pleasing 🙂 If you like a uniform look, you have many choices other… Read more »

binks
binks
9 years ago

This isn’t a matter where you can get over it quickly. Self acceptance of your hair takes time especially since you are a newly natural. I think you need to wait it out and stay the course like others have mention because this is still the beginning stages for you. Because there is no quick fix, other than to accept what grows out of your scalp and wait for the length you desire. But I want to say this to you as a fellow new natural KILL THE EXPECTATIONS. Just because you saw other women’s natural hair and how it… Read more »

RisesPhoenix
RisesPhoenix
9 years ago

The wonderful about natural hair is its ability to transform. When you relax your hair, there’s only one way for it to be — straight. However, when you are natural, your hair can be a reflection of the state of your body, the state of your scalp and the way you treat your hair. And that’s a beautiful thing. My advice to you is to focus on making your body and scalp healthy, and focus on finding a healthy hair regimen that works for you. Until you have those factors optimized, you can’t know what your best hair is. With that… Read more »

Adri
Adri
9 years ago

I definitely was hardcore on the blogs and not seeing that many super thick haired chicas, like myself, so I had delusions about what my hair might possibly, maybe look like (which should not have been the case b/c I was natural in college and knew the deal), what styles I’d be able to do, etc. Once I chopped, I was a little disappointed too. However, I did a little Fotki perusing and found some folks who were doing cool styles on there with my texture, there’s also a few tumblrs out there as well. I think the biggest thing is… Read more »

KJ
KJ
9 years ago

It’s all about styles. Let’s dispell this myth. Everyone with relaxers doesn’t look good. Everyone with weaves doesn’t look good. Everyone with natural hair doesn’t look good. The length and the shape of your hair may not fit your face. You may need to grow it out. You have to find what works but I can assure you of this. You don’t look bad because of the texture of your hair. Just look at the photos on this site. Some people look good or even better than relaxed and some people don’t. Mainly because they need help with styles. I said… Read more »

Michelle Hubbard
Michelle Hubbard
9 years ago

Whomever wrote this has my hair type…lol It’s not the kind of hair type that grows into a BAF(Bad Ass Fro)…My hair kinda looks wavy in some places, curly in some place and some parts stick up straight with frizz like an old relaxer. I think the reality is that when you use a relaxer on this hairtype..the relaxer only makes it worse. My hair was thin and limp..like fine hair with a relaxer. Try new styles that give you volume once your hair grows out more..you may want to consider some pretty twist extensions untill your hair grows a… Read more »

Moni
9 years ago

I’m gonna be real, I understand COMPLETELY what the reader is going through. Another thing the frustrates me are the products to help “Natural Hair”. Black women have various types of natural hair and once again, IMO, the products are not marketed to those of us with coarser hair types. I get frustrated because unless I blow my hair out, it snaps right back. This is my second time going natural, so I know that if I relax it, it would be past my ear, almost bob length ( I learned that when i went back to a relaxer, I expected… Read more »

M.J.
M.J.
9 years ago

a) I’d encourage you to like it. Play around with different styles. Try some coil-outs, twist-outs etc. to get the look you desire. Make sure you condition your hair with Aubrey, NTM, or something of good quality. Maybe get some braids sso your hair can grow out a bit. b) But, if you’re truly not comfortable with the hair you’ve got, change it back. There’s no point in being natural and feeling miserable. I know this girl who has been naturalfor a few years and HATES it. What’s the point?? You’re supposed to be natural b/c you like it…it makes you feel… Read more »

Busayo
9 years ago

Coincidentally, I just posted a couple videos about this very topic on my youtube page with advice that I would give someone who is contemplating going back to a relaxer. I have been natural for over 3 years now and it hasn’t been easy street straight through. I definately understand what you (and others like you) are going through because I’ve been there. Even now, I still have frustrating days with my hair but the difference now is that I no longer find relaxers tempting. This is because I had to go through a mental transition as well as a… Read more »

copelli
copelli
9 years ago

Her hair sounds just like mine as well. ( and @ Michelle Hubbard — my hair is the same way when I had a relaxer, thin). I also have those 3 diff textures going on and I cannot seem to find the right combo of products to manage my hair. The difference being I don’t hate my hair or care if people think it looks nappy. After keeping it short (with 2 cuts), which I loved, I have decided to just let it grow. So whatever it does, is what it does, I am just working on keeping it healthy. My… Read more »

Michelle
Michelle
9 years ago

You should look on sites like “hi-imcurrentlyobsessed.tumblr”, “blkgirlsrock.tumblr”, and “lecoil.tumblr” for hairspiration pictures of models with the same hair texture as yours. Then save them on your computer and go back and look at them whenever you’re feeling bad about your own natural texture. Sometimes you need to see your own physical features look beautiful on somebody else before you realize that they also look beautiful on you.

Lena
Lena
9 years ago

As a former Black woman with long hair, I would definitely embrace my natural locs if given another chance. All of my life I enjoyed long hair, as a child in braids and later in my adult life sporting shoulder length straight permed hair. In 2007 I noticed a small bald patch and by 2009 in spite of great medical care, I’ve loss 90% of all hair on my entire body due to a mysterious autoimmune condition called alopecia areata. Although my head is a smooth as the back of my hand and I know that my cosmetic choices are… Read more »

LBell
LBell
9 years ago

Real talk: Nobody is going to come after you if you go back to the perm. Even if you choose to stay natural but flat-iron or blow-dry to even out your textures…NOBODY is going to be beating down your door demanding that you accept what you’re not ready to accept. The only thing I ask is that you not diss others’ ability to accept what naturally grows out of their head by saying things like, “I tried to go natural, but my hair’s just too crazy!” That kind of response is what the rest of us have to fight against… Read more »

Cyan
Cyan
9 years ago
Reply to  LBell

I understand what the writer is talking about!! I sometimes feel the same hoping that my hair would look different, it would some how curl and I would not have a “wooly” texture!! It especially hurts when people would ask “What are you doing with your hair” Once someone asked me if I am not going to comb my hair!!! It took me a while to deal with how my hair looks.. If I want to “TYPE” it its not a 2 (wavy) or a 3 (curly). Its a 4c which is tends to be dry and even harder to manage… Read more »

My
My
9 years ago

She described almost exactly what my hair is like. “Straight-like frizz” is a discription I have been looking for to describe a part of my hair. I absolutely love what God gave me. I just wish she could as well. I have no advice to offer this young lady or anyone who chooses to relax. I’m unsure why relaxed girls talk so much game about being relaxed. Most of them wear weave or couldnt hold a hairstyle to save their life. I also dont get why we hold natural hair to a higher level of expectation. Like it has to… Read more »

Emala
Emala
9 years ago

I am really sad for you because on an intrinsic level, your issue is around self-acceptance. Have you considered therapy? I am a proponent of it, as it may help to have an objective perspective, maybe you can find a therapist of color.…

teresz
9 years ago

If its not for you than its not for you. Contrary to popular belief your not committing some ungodly sin if you don’t choose to wear your hair natural. Didn’t read any of the comments so this may have been previously stated, but have you tried simply pressing it for now, before going to something ‘permenant’ like a relaxer. That’s kind of what I did until I got used to my texture and learned how to take care of it. And comparing your natural to somebody’s else will only frustrate you. Your hair is ours. Do what works for you.

Kalisha
Kalisha
9 years ago

Transitioning your hair from relaxer to perm is an emotional roller coaster. Sounds like you might have the same texture as me and it took me some time (YEARS!!!) to get used to it. And I’ll be honest I’m still learning. When I went natural these types of blogs didn’t exists and there were no hair salons dedicated to natural hair (you should ask around for a place in your area. They can be your cheering squad). In any case, I only happen to come on this site b/c I was fustrated with my own hair and was ready to… Read more »

Starla
Starla
9 years ago

Well, if you’ve been relaxing since two, one can see why it may be harder for you to accept your authentic self…you’ve never known your natural hair, you’ve never had to see it, deal with it, or figure out how to care for it. Kudos to you for having the courage to forge ahead into this unknown world. My hair also has 3 texture, soft waves in the front, bone straight in the middle and coils in the back. It has not been easy, but I committed myself to this relationship with my natural hair. Most of the success stories… Read more »

Anon
Anon
9 years ago

Look, if you don’t like your hair, do whatever you feel like doing to make you like that…color it, relax it, it’s all you. Don’t feel compelled to stay natural if you don’t like the way that it looks like on you. I love my hair natural, and at it’s best I loved it relaxed too, but I’d be a liar if I said that I liked everyone’s natural hair or if I would be as happy switching what I have for anyone else’s. I think someone else said it, and I’ll also say that I think that a lot… Read more »

Sabrina P
Sabrina P
9 years ago

Ok…maybe I don’t understand but.…what’s wrong with adding product? Didn’t you add product (some sort) when you were relaxed? I did! I used oils and cremes and gels and now becuase I’m natural I shouldn’t? I use Kinky Curly after I cowash DAILY. I need the moisture. I wash and go and love it and adding product allows me to have the moisture I need. You also have to give your hair TIME to adjust to being natural. You didn’t have a wrap the first time you did it. Your hair had to be TRAINED. I see it the same way… Read more »

Stephanie
Stephanie
9 years ago

First of all, please don’t make this into some huge self-esteem issue. It is your hair, not your soul! If you want to perm it, then perm it! People who preach about being your authentic you and recommend therapy or deeper soul searching are often hypocrites. Are they 100% natural? The way God made them? God didn’t make us with makeup already applied or with deodorant under our arms. He made us butt naked and ashy!!! So everything we add to beautify ourselves is extra. I have worn my hair in all kinds of ways: permed, in a fade with… Read more »

Celia
Celia
9 years ago

Hi, there. I know it is very discouraging when your hair doesn’t seem to look right. I felt the same was when I transitioned to natural. I have seborrehea dermatitis and I suffered from patches of hair falling out and severe itchiness. I did not feel attractive and the products that I used only served to dry out my hair. But, I did not give up and I keep trying products (along with my prescription from my dermatologist). Now, I have hair that is a little below collar bone length and it is soft and curly. I get compliments on… Read more »

Ce Ce
Ce Ce
9 years ago
Reply to  Celia

WOW! I couldn’t agree with you more. I also have seborrhea dermatitis and I can concur with all that you have said. Although styling and care is a big part of hair maintenance, using the right products can make the difference between GREAT hair and damaged hair. When I first transitioned 4 years ago I didn’t know a thing about hair care. My hair was dry and breaking off constantly. I NEVER got any compliments on my hair unless I slathered it with gel to get it to curl up. I learned about sulfate free shampoos and moisturizing conditioners. I… Read more »

juanita617
juanita617
8 years ago
Reply to  Ce Ce

I love your hair. It’s very pretty.

Rebecca
Rebecca
9 years ago

What makes *you* feel most like yourself?

Do that.

Experiment.
Take a chance.

But do what makes you feel at ease.

(I chopped my hair off and dyed it black and pink three years ago,
and it is more me than any natural color or long cut could be.)

Ogor
Ogor
9 years ago

lol@ Stephanie-very very well said!
What keeps you happy and sane, is the right thing to do. You dont have to be natural just because you are black. If relaxing your hair keeps you happy, then go for it!

Do you..:) God bless you.

keke
keke
8 years ago

it seems to me that ur issue is not natural hair vs relaxed hair, but a struggle to accept what is naturally urs. You say you just don’t like what is growing out of your scalp, were you not aware of how your natural hair looked before you relaxed your hair? so many girls go natural hoping for a particular texture of hair. the fact is your hair texture is unique to you. either you love what is “growing out of your scalp” or just accept that u don’t love some things which are natural to a black person. may… Read more »

Janet
Janet
8 years ago

All I have to say is that “All of you ladies are awesome”!!! When I initially read the post, I thought it was a legitimate question that deserved to receive some encouraging responses. But I was afraid that when I moved further down to the responses that they may be pretty harsh. I have to say that all of you ladies were awesome in your responses. You were so very encouraging, it is just phenomenal!! I am just starting to grow out my perm and I found this blog. I will definitely be reading this blog a lot because you… Read more »

Lakesha
6 years ago

My brother suggested I might like this blog. He was entirely
right. This post truly made my day. You cann’t imagine just how much time
I had spent for this information! Thanks!

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