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True Life: My natural hair looks fabulous, and my boyfriend STILL doesn’t like it!

• Jul 20, 2010

Several months back we had a discussion on BGLH about whether a man could love you, but hate your natural hair. Reader Rosa is in that situation, and submitted her reflections.

Recently, while talking to my boyfriend on the phone I asked him a deadly question. I thought I was looking for attention but apparently I was looking for a fight. I asked him what he likes about me. After an uncomfortably long pause he decided to tell me what he used to like about me had changed — my hair!

Me at 17
Randy and I met at our old job and we started dating a month before I turned 18. At the time I had relaxed hair, something I always wanted and finally got the day before I started high school. I was the typical light skinned girl with long hair, guys told me this all the time. I was “acceptable” to bring home to their mothers. I can’t believe people still think this way! I never entertained it and told them to take their issues elsewhere.

One fall morning on the train to work I was reading Suede Magazine (an African American fashion magazine that is no longer in print) and it had a spread on women with natural hair. It also featured Miko and Titi Branch, the creators of Miss Jessie’s products. That day I canceled my appointment to get a touch up and decided to go natural. I wore braids and lots of hats while I transitioned. The following May I did the big chop at Curve Salon owned by the Miss Jessie’s creators. It cost over $200 but it was the best cut of my life and lasted at least a year.

2005 was a bad year! My self-esteem plummeted. To be honest, Randy never flat out said “I don’t like your natural hair” but he never said he liked it either. When I dyed my hair light brown (or “Beyonce Brown” as he called it) for my 18th birthday, he loved it. When I cut my hair into a bob because the mix of perm and color made it fall out, he complimented my “First Lady” do. But when I went natural — nothing.

Many of my male friends bluntly said that they liked my hair better when it was straight. I even got a “you look black now” meaning to be an insult. Female friends told me it was okay that I went natural because I have that “good hair.” Little do they know that my thick and long hair comes from my Haitian side, not just because I’m part-Latina. On the rare occasion that I get a Dominican blowout my boyfriend compliments me, but that’s it. Once, while trying to do something with my large, unruly fro he called me a mop head. I nipped that in the bud real quick!

Now before everyone starts bashing him I must say that he is a GREAT guy! He is funny, intelligent, a provider, is determined, and is tall, dark and handsome. He’s a college educated, family man with a great job, etc, etc, etc. We just made 7 years together last weekend and I am very happy. I just have to learn to accept the fact that he prefers my straight hair.

Oh and are you ready for the punch line… He’s been growing his waist length dreads for 14 years!!!

Us
Has anyone had a similar experience? What are your thoughts?
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HopefulCurly
HopefulCurly
11 years ago

I am sorry to hear the insults you had to face. The phrase “looking black” is always something that surprises me. You either are or you are not, its not a look. My story is somewhat opposite. I am black (Haitian decent) but my husband who is “mixed” (white, black, chinese) is my biggest supporter. He is Jamaican and is so used to black hair that hes even giving me tips on what he used to see friends and family do to their hair back home (his hair is what some ignorant people would call “good”). Hes encouraging me to BC… Read more »

Romney
Romney
11 years ago

Lol, you put Randy all out there with that pic. Now he’s gonna get the side eye from naturals when ya’ll go out. Lol! JK, sorta.

I think you’re in a sticky situation. I’m actually saddened by his reaction, or non-reaction to your hair. Especially after you hit us with the punch line. All I can do is really wish you both the best, I hope he can learn to love your hair because it’s absolutely fabulous.

Latoya
11 years ago

I’m currently transtioning and experiencing the same thing. One time he called my hair nappy. He realized he REALLY pissed me off, since I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. He won’t say that again, but he still jokes around. A few days ago, he said my hair looked like a jheri curl. He thought it was funny. I made it clear that I didn’t. I explained that I am vulnerable and I’m sensitive. Last night was the kicker. He said we wouldn’t have started dating if my hair looked the way it does now. He apologized, but it… Read more »

Latoya
11 years ago

*dried up jheri curl

LaNeshe
11 years ago

I am completely thrown off by the fact that he has locs. You would think he would embrace natural hair. It’s a shame that he and others in your life don’t appreciate the beauty of you and your natural hair. You look beautiful! It is up to you to determine if with all the other good qualities of the relationship, you can accept that he doesn’t like your hair.

Mec
Mec
11 years ago

you have beautiful hair! it’s quite paradoxical that your boyfriend has dreads and yet, he doesn’t like you natural hair.
to be honest, your hair is prbably not the main thing your boyfriend likes about you and it’s not like he broke up with you because of the hair.
he would need to learn to love your hair because it means a lot to you!

Soul_Sunshine
Soul_Sunshine
11 years ago

WOW…you’re definitely in a sticky situation. I mean it’s obvious that you love him very much and that he loves you, I think his opinion of your natural hair is truly sad and slightly shallow,I mean if you love it, he should embrace it, as it does come with the package but everyone has their own physical likes and dislikes when it comes to the opposite sex and I guess his is straight hair. Unfortunately, unless you’re willing to sacrifice your BEAUTIFUL natural hair, you may just have to deal with his attitude towards your hair. I too am just… Read more »

char/dendoo
11 years ago

I need a person who can appreciate my me-ness. My last relationship was verging on the side of “I don’t like your natural hair” and I wasn’t feeling it. Especially given the fact that your man has dreads so one would think he would readily embrace naturality it’s really crazy. If you love him you love him and that’s it but if it were me I’d take my mop head and keep moving on because that’s a part of me and I want someone to fully embrace it. My last relationship it was starting to get frustrating not being able… Read more »

snoopychick
snoopychick
11 years ago

Congratulations on your long relationship. As to your partner’s perceptions, that’s his issue.

That said, questioning the reason(s) behind his “preference” is something that HE needs to do and come to terms with when it comes to YOUR long term relationship so that HE can slow his roll with the comments.

And big ups to the Canadians loving Aldo (wink)!

julia
11 years ago

You two have been together for a long time — have you talked about marriage? If you have what about kids…and if so — what happens if you have a daughter? Ask him to think about that. Having a daughter can be a seriously eye opening thing for many men. What happens when his daughter comes home saying someone called her a mop head and that she wants to straighten her hair to look like the other girls with ‘pretty’ hair.…. Also, and I know you know this, but your hair is gorgeous! I love the one year post BC… Read more »

Kinky Hair Girl
Kinky Hair Girl
11 years ago

This may sounds bad but just cause a man has natural hair doesn’t mean they are going to be into their woman having natural hair. I honestly didn’t think it was shocker when you wrote that he had locs. Also it kind of like saying just cause a woman has natural hair that she has gotten over the good hair mentality. Cause some women with natural hair still think that a looser curl type hair is better hair then their tighter curl type. We can have expectations on people because of we assume that a hair style or etc will give… Read more »

Tamika
Tamika
11 years ago

Wow I actually love your natural hair, to me hair is hair natural, relaxed etc, but it just strikes me as weird that his hair is in dreads lol, but you know what that is him, dont let it come between you if it does not have to. You are a beautiful woman and God Bless.

kis
kis
11 years ago

maybe its my mood at this moment but i feel like if your partner can be this critical over something as simple as a hairstyle… there’s only more to come. your hair is beautiful and healthy. you should never apologize for your natural beauty whether it be your hair, skin color or body type. ladies, never settle for someone who criticizes or belittles you. it may start with a little joking comment (like mop-head or jheri curl) but when times get hard and a REAL crisis comes around, you want someone who is going to be down for you in whatever… Read more »

Sincere
Sincere
11 years ago

What exactly about your hair does he not like? Sometimes it is more than just being a natural. Just because someone decides to go natural does not mean that their hair will be on point everyday. Same with relaxed hair. There are many women out there with relaxed hair that is plain ole boring and not cute to see. Would he prefer your hair in certain styles as a natural? Do you wear your hair the same way every day? What did he say when you had braids and were transitioning? I believe adult love is conditional (unlike parental/familial love which… Read more »

Gigi
Gigi
11 years ago

I think Rose looks stunning and more vibrant in the pictures with her natural hair and I find her boyfriend’s response ironic given his own hair. I’ve seen that response from other men with locks and longer hari too and I wonder if the issue is that so many men seem to perceive long, straight hair as the ultimate in femininity and youthfulness. I read an article recently which claimed that the one common trait of 200+ cheating men was that their mistresses had longer hair than their wives (!). I only mention this because it illustrates the point that… Read more »

thewanderlustgrl
11 years ago

despite your disclaimer at the end, i’m still side eyeing your boyfriend right now, lol! i’d first like to say that you are a beautiful young woman in all of your pics, but i think your natural hair really brings out your features. i think that about most women, but since you seem to be dealing with a lot of ignance (yes, ignance) in your life i think it’s important you hear that. to all the people that are “shocked” about someone with dreads saying that–WHY? i know a lots of guys with dreads–epecially now that it’s a “trend”–who hold similar… Read more »

trackback

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by LaNeshe, Black Girl Long Hair. Black Girl Long Hair said: Guest Post: When fabulous-looking #naturalhair isn’t enough to make him like it (*sigh*) http://bit.ly/9s9THW […]

vonnie
11 years ago

well that’s hypocritical of him, seeing as to how HE has locs himself. probably won’t date a dark skinned girl either, will he? what a crock. Your hair is GORGEOUS, you don’t look like a clone walking down the street. I don’t know what to say for the bf situation because you have to decide that for yourself and I’d probably keep it moving on someone like him with issues, but just know your hair is uber pretty!

http://socialitedreams.wordpress.com

Perkisha
Perkisha
11 years ago

I have to admit, I’m a saddened by the fact that he has locs and takes issue with your hair. For me personally, I don’t htink I could be in a relationship with someone who didn’t love my hiar b/c it’s part of me. But everyone has to do what’s right for them, and not base it on what works for others. You said that he’s a good guy, respects you, and it sounds like for the most part he doesn’t insult your hair (or at least listens to you when you tell him it hurts your feelings) and that’s… Read more »

Monti
Monti
11 years ago

I actually talked out loud to my computer when I saw that last picture! I couldn’t believe he had locs. You got me good with that one. My brow is still furrowed in disbelief. lol

Good luck. Hopefully he’ll come around.

Tamar
11 years ago

that is crazy, i know you said not to bash your man but i think he has issues you’re light skin and before you had straight hair he is obviously dark skin with obviously not so straight hair..many dark skin men like light skin long straight hair because of their own insecurities they had growing up ( proven fact) I am haitian and light skin with thick hair and haitian hair in my opinion is beautiful..I have a bf and he used to have dreads and he has told me he loves natural hair and he also likes straight hair… Read more »

Jennifer
Jennifer
11 years ago

WOW, your hair is beautiful!!! I can’t believe your boyfriend doesn’t like it.…..hopefully he’ll come around when he finally realizes that you like it and aren’t going to change it. I’m shocked, because most if not all of the guys that I know that have locks love the ladies with natural hair.

AMarie
11 years ago

Having locs doesn’t make a person any more “enlightened” or appreciative of natural hair. I’ve encountered bloggers w/ locs (who shall remain unnamed) who lambasted women w/ natural hair for not combing it regularly and making it look “tamed” (as though Afro-textured hair is “feral” and requires “taming”)

Sasha-Shae
11 years ago

So, in other words, it’s okay for him to be locked and natural, but it isn’t for you??? Why the big difference? Why the segregation towards your hair? Why the disapproval? It doesn’t make any sense. Like in my opinion something is deeper at the heart of that matter, there is no way a man who accepts natural hair for himself, can’t tolerate and love his woman’s natural hair. You might have to do a little more digging into what’s really going on. And while he may be a great guy, he’s going to have to learn to love you for… Read more »

Carol
Carol
11 years ago

I just posted this on BGLH’s facebook fan page but thought I should post it here for you… Your hair is gorgeous and I hope you bought those shoes! Your man… well, my first thought was negative but I’m sure he loves you for who you really are otherwise he wouldn’t be there. He may have his preferences and those preferences are most assuredly based on the way he has seen black women all his life… I don’t know. We all have issues. Just… See More as you had to come to the realization that your natural self is beautiful he… Read more »

BlaqInfinite
11 years ago

Wow…I guess you said it yourself. You’re placing yourself in a position where you’re waiting for him to accept your hair. Nothing more to say. If it’s wasn’t a big deal to you, I wouldn’t even see the need for you to write about it. No offense, because I WAS intrigued by this article, I’m only speaking from a more personal standpoint. I will say that love cannot override strong core values. I will not commit to someone who is a victim of white supremacy, regardless of THEIR hairstyle, race or ethnicity. It will get in the way because my… Read more »

D
D
11 years ago

Could it be that your boyfriend has a color complex because he is so dark?????? Just a thought.

Ruth
Ruth
11 years ago

At first, I was like okay, he just prefers relaxed but then you hit me with the punch line and my eyes popped out of my head. Wow! This is very interesting. I’m not sure what I think yet.

MzNoBehavior
11 years ago

[I must say that ‘Julia’ and ‘thewanderlustgrl’ got it spot on!!]
Rasta men and men with locs are no different than any other man, esp the trend followers, i.e mens with locs!! The majority of them were raised to have warped views on beauty, because the women who raise them are confused themselves. I am just so fed up with terms like ‘good hair’.. And since when is ‘nappy hair’ a bad thing?!!? Why do so many naturals STRIVE for the curly look??
My sisters can’t we just embrace who we REALLY are?? Not what Motions Wet and Wavy tells us to be?!?!??

Scill
Scill
11 years ago

This isn’t even about the hair, if he loves YOU he will support you in something that you care about. It’s your God given hair. You said he’s great otherwise, but if he can’t support you then I think you need to reevaluate the situation. He doesn’t have to like your hair, but he has to be able to say “baby I’m happy that this makes you happy”.

Cardenie
11 years ago

*sighs* I am actually really disturbed by your BF’s continued negative reaction to your hair, the derogatory comments and the compliments only when you blow it out. But if you find happiness among all that, then lots of power to you. And your hair is beautiful!

bobbie gardner
11 years ago

Oh dear! It’s so complex this one. He’s problem with your hair is affecting your self-esteem! I hope he get’s over you being over the creamy crack!

Auset
11 years ago

I know plenty of men with locs who would probably prefer a Barbie over a natural goddess. I agree with Julia. You have been together a long time. Have you talked marriage? Does he not know that aside from hair you will look different at 40, 50, 60, and up? Your daughter will need to be loved for her natural beauty and you deserve no less. His joking comments are his way of trying to break you down emotionally (it sounds diabolical but its true), and his way of hoping you will eventually break down and get a perm. Also, when… Read more »

audry
audry
11 years ago

he just wants a light skin girl with straight hair, it’s more “acceptable”
if she was brownskin he would nerver be with her!!
very sad

charlotte
charlotte
11 years ago

As a female of native/african descent(Black), as simple as this sounds…I believe there are much more major issues facing Black women than their hair. When I was a little girl, I was very afraid of “Dark-skinned” (N.A.D/black people). As I grew in maturity, I realized how ridiculous that fear “WAS”. I don’t understand why this is an issue with “supposed” to be grown adults. If a man doesn’t like everything Natural about me, and what is Natural about me is just the same as HIS naturalness…than “ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black”? We condemn racism because it is… Read more »

Meika
Meika
11 years ago

You know its kind of funny that he has locs but doesn’t appreciate your hair in its natural state. From my personal experience many guys with locs have been the most critical of my natural hair. They make their snide remarks or give me that ma-whats-going-on-with-your-hair look. First time my honey saw my honey saw my fro he didn’t even say anything…his facial expressions said it all but now he loves it. One good twist out was all it took. Lol. He still has jokes from time to time but I shut him down by saying his S‑Curl is dry.… Read more »

neems
11 years ago

Say what!? That’s really strange. Actually, I just don’t get it. I hope he comes around soon enough.

CupOf*T
CupOf*T
11 years ago

I hate to say this but I had a friend (who was also my ex-boyfriend) do the same thing to me. When I originally told him I was going natural he was totally against it; now we were already broken up so it wasn’t like I cared that much about his opinion, but still. And the killing thing like your situation he had locs down his back. I guess I assumed that because he had locs he of course would understand why I wanted to go natural. Now a second issue that I noticed with him also was that he… Read more »

Erica
Erica
11 years ago

I agree with thewanderlustgirl you hair does not make you more enlightened, intelligent, smarter, etc. I probably know more locked men with straight haired girlfriends (including caucasian women) than those who natural haired significant others. From what it sounds like the boyfriend doesn’t prefer the hair but isn’t rude or anything. It is very relevant that black people as a whole have preferences when it comes to hair. On natural hair sites we tend to focus on the woman’s perspective. Black men were indoctrinated with the same propaganda. I really like my hair but in no way to do I… Read more »

Leslie
11 years ago

This has never been an issue with me and my husband. He ENCOURAGED me to go natural. I wrote a blog about it on his birthday. http://thetaleofgoingnatural.blogspot.com/2010/07/special-man.html

jet
jet
11 years ago

So what happens if, God forbid, you become sick, and your hair falls out and you gain 70 pounds? How will he feel about you, and how will he make YOU feel about yourself? It’s one thing to have a preference, but quite another if he thinks one of your physical characteristics is ugly. When he looks at you does he see a beautiful woman, or a woman who is beautiful IN SPITE of her hair? There are a lot of great men out there. That doesn’t mean every one of them is the right man for us. Good people get… Read more »

Kels
Kels
11 years ago

I’m just speaking from my personal experience as a fellow light-skinned sister who went natural, but the responses she got from her man sound about right to me. I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. I was also told that I don’t “look exotic anymore” by a brotha and it was said as an insult. I was also told that I was a “wasted yellow” woman. Yup. All this from black men. And you all can flame me all you want, but this is why black men no longer get the benefit of the doubt with me. If I… Read more »

luvmylocs
luvmylocs
11 years ago

we all have a right to like what we like but a couple of thoughts. (1) after you’ve been in a relationship with someone for as long as you have something like hair, a slight weight gain/loss or something even more serious should not overshadow your love and ACCEPTANCE for the person. hair is so surface level. it seem shallow to hightlight it in the type of conversation you were having. (2) even if you don’t like something about your partner your adoration and respect for them should bring about a level of sensitivity that causes them to not say… Read more »

Sammi
Sammi
11 years ago

I think you look fabulous!

K Parker
K Parker
11 years ago

I am saddened to say this, but; if he has not accepted your hair.….he has not completely accepted you. Please keep your eyes open with him. He sounds as if he has some personal issues and one of those issues is manipulating you. Love is kindness. If he loves you, he loves everything about you; or he wouldn’t chastize your hair the way he does. You don’t deserve ‘conditional’ love. And for him to say that he “used” to like your hair makes his love conditional…because he could have kept his mouth shut. You and your hair are beautiful. I hope… Read more »

Christelyn
11 years ago

Someone a few posts up mentioned a “color complex.” I wouldn’t rule that out. The fact you mention how in high school, boys said that you “were acceptable to take home” smacks of the colorism so rampant in the black community. Light skin and long hair is treasured by–dare I say–most black men, especially dark-skinned black men. It is also treasured by the mothers of those men, which is why they thought you were an acceptable candidate for the ‘Mamma Once-Over.’ As someone who is dark-skinned, I was never prized as the trophy. I’d be the one that got, “you’re… Read more »

Khambria
11 years ago

Jesus take the wheel!! How in the world could anyone (and especially the love of your life) look at you and not think everything about you is gorgeous?? He sounds like a great man, but I don’t understand how he could hate something that DEFINES you — not as it your hair makes you who you are but your hair is UNIQUELY YOU, just how God intended it… I just hope he won’t want to slap a perm on your future kids! LOL

Sammi
Sammi
11 years ago

@ Kels, I have been happily married to a white man for almost 13 yrs now. I have never had a specific preference in men, just that they respect and love me– I just happened to fall in love with a white one ( who loves my natural hair, by the way). We dated in high school, and so many “brothers” gave me hell about it, while at the same time they were dating white girls. I say whatever floats your boat is fine, but stay out of mine!I would say to you and other black women, DO NOT limit… Read more »

Keebo
Keebo
11 years ago

Much like the sneaky threesome crazy pitch, I get the relaxer question every rare moment from guys(black guys). The discussion gets squashed quickly when I tell them to get one too.(Hook up with a guy or get a relaxer too — I’ll watch). Some guys for the most part don’t know what they want and they can test their worthiness with such silliness. If you let them/most people rule every part of your life, you will be in hell. I’m not saying that you should a shrew and put him on blast for every duncey head move he makes/say but… Read more »

Anonymous
Anonymous
11 years ago

I laughed and I cried when I read your tale. I am a brown-skinned Haitian and I’ve got that long, thick hair you referred to. It’s actually quite common among Haitians (both light and dark) but due to the stereotype that black hair doesn’t grow long I used to get plenty of weave accusations when I wore it straight. Anyway, I couldn’t get over how your man is growing out locks and still doesn’t appreciate your natural hair. That is quite surprising since brothers with locks seem to appreciate natural hair on black women more. I do have to say… Read more »

cherbear
cherbear
11 years ago

I will never understand black men like that. They want the light skin girl with the straight hair but the second she goes natural they get all “funky” about it. It sounds to me like he has some issues of his own to work out. I find that a lot of black men do. I get told all the time to straighten my hair. But I’m natural and luving it. I find that non-blacks luv my hair but blacks don’t. Don’t even get me started about one black guy I dated. Always commenting about skin colour. He was a lot darker… Read more »

openexpression
openexpression
11 years ago

Your hair is absolutely gorgeous! Unfortunately, I think your man may be “color-struck.” My boyfriend always “prefers” light-skinned girls with long hair and he is BEYOND chocolate brown and bald! I totally understand your dilemma because he and I constantly battle about my decision to go natural. If you really love him and want him to be your lifetime partner, you need to sit him down and tell him how much his acceptance means to you. Communication is totally key…and if he still makes derogatory comments, then maybe it isn’t meant to be.

hehe
hehe
11 years ago

beside the hair issue. why did he pause and then tell you what he use to like about you. hmmm.

Ms. Natural
Ms. Natural
11 years ago

I am natural, have been for about 6 yrs now, fortunately, my man likes it. We dated almost 4 years before I decided to change from a short relaxed style. I think however its okay for a spouse or significant other not to like something about you…it’s natural.. I mean who REALLY likes EVERYTHING about someone…whether it be leaving dirty dishes on the table, or snoring, or how he/she clips toenails everynight before bed, in bed. The thing is, you two are still together, which mean its not a big enough issue that it damages your relationship. IMHO, that’s where… Read more »

Black Married Momma
11 years ago

Seven years is a long time to be someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend.

Anyway, you clearly have an issue with HIS ISSUES. That said, it is a big deal, though not necessarily a deal breaker.

We here will all have a take and our own spins on what you’ve presented, but ultimately you have to live with — or without — him.

Mika
Mika
11 years ago

WOW!! I’m going through something similar. I just recently BC’d after 7 months of transitioning and my hubby doesn’t like my hair. While I was transitioning I showed him youtube videos of natural hair journeys to show him how my hair would probably look like, and he actually liked it (mind you these women grew thier hair out for 1 to 2 yrs, so they had length). But he was really not accepting when he saw my hair, I guess it’s because he was used to my hair length (shoulder length) and my hair is now a twa. He actually… Read more »

Tosin W.
11 years ago

Truthfully you are not the only one. My man that I’ve been with for 5 years has had really hard issues with my natural hair. I had a perm/braids the whole time we were together, but when I B/Ced last year, it’s been an issue. He is used to women with straight long hair, and he’s begged me quite a few times to put in braids or extensions, even a wig at times. It even affected our sex life and had me considering leaving him. I was initially quite hurt, angry and upset, but I had to take a step… Read more »

Ashleigh Elle Aye
11 years ago

Have you two sat down and had a talk about it? Maybe it’s some of the styles you wear that he doesn’t like. Just have a talk, who knows what could come of it. My boyfriend loves my natural hair but there are 1 or 2 styles that he’s not too fond of. I wouldn’t just straight up dump him.

lisabirch
11 years ago

For the sake of time, the only comment i’ve read in its entirety after reading your story is Khambria’s, and I totally agree. You and your hair are beautiful…not because of your complexion or ethnic background or its texture, but simply because it’s how God made you. Ladies, the thing we need to remember is that just as women struggle with identity, so do brothers. When a man does not like a woman to wear her hair in its natural state of nappiness, curliness or whatever, there’s a crisis within himself that prevents him from accepting a “look” that goes… Read more »

Lucy
Lucy
11 years ago

I’m 40 and just started transitioning to my naptural kinks about a year ago. I really wish I had done this when I was in my 20s but I didn’t have the awareness or self-confidence to step outside of the box (that we’re all expected to live in)and love myself wholly. I’m just now learning to do that. My man whom I’ve been with for 2 decades is for the most part supportive, although he has made comments about some of my natural hairstyles that have made me look at him sideways. At first I felt embarrassed by his comments,… Read more »

Kels
Kels
11 years ago

@K Parker, Thank you for going there because I wanted to be didn’t want to be offensive. But I’ll just come out and say it. Her boyfriend has a distorted view of what a black woman is and that kind of man is not healthy to be in a relationship with. I’ll bet he’s into you because she’s light skinned as well. Like someone said, if it was all good, no one would have to come to a blog and tell all of this about their boyfriend. She knows in her heart that it’s not right. He does not value her… Read more »

Tiffany L-P
Tiffany L-P
11 years ago

Men have always had things to say about my hair. I would get a trim and they’d say “Did you cut your hair?…WHY?”
I’d express my interest in a bob and they’d advise me against it.
I’d have braids and they (my dad) would tell me I did not need that “stuff” in my head.

Whatever man I just learned to do me, even as a married woman. I can’t be a slave to that mess. I hate the way my husband dresses like a hobo but that doesn’t stop him!!!!

Kels
Kels
11 years ago

@Sammie, I have finally moved past the “I need a black king!” stuff in the last few years. And lucky for me, because once I went natural, brothers were not feeling me like before. I tell you, when I had black men telling me I was wasting my looks as a light skinned long haired (permed) sister, it really opened my eyes. I’ve decided that I’m looking for a good man, period. If a white man approaches me, I’m looking at him differently than I would have in college. BW think that non-black men generally aren’t attracted to us or don’t… Read more »

zionderu
11 years ago

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.… well I met my husband natural 10 years ago. Pressed and curl for the next 5 then BC again right in front of him. Dare he say something I would have cut it shorter.

Nevertheless, it’s ok if he doesn’t like your hair but make sure that since he does not like your hair it’s not an issue for you.

zionderu

Black Married Momma
11 years ago

I also just have to throw this in.

You look exponentially more fabulous with your natural hair. With the perm, you looked like Jane Average. As your self, you are much more of a head turner.

MP
MP
11 years ago

I hope you decide to just pass on hair discussions in the future if everything else in your relationship is kosher.
Your punchline was not one to me. I’ma leave you with an Outkast quotable, excuse the *language*:
“Now question is every nigga with dreads for the cause? Is every nigga with golds for the fall? No, so don’t get caught in appearance.”

Lexi
Lexi
11 years ago

Gurl this sounds like the story of my life!!! LOL! I transitioned for 7 months and continually asked my guy of 8+ years what he thought. His response was always, “It’s just hair.” So when I did the big chop (which is why me and my girls had a little party wit’ wine) I came home the next morning, his back was facing me and he sounded so happy saying, “Look who’s ba..” Dude turned around and his WHOLE expression changed. To make a long story short, he was silent for a week! My guy, like yours is a very… Read more »

Anon
Anon
11 years ago

COLOR.
COMPLEX.

justicefighter1913
justicefighter1913
11 years ago

Wow! Your hair looks fabulous! That’s all that I really want to say b/c I just can’t go there right now regarding the main topic.

shea
shea
11 years ago

🙁 this makes me so sad
you look so darn fab
and even if you didn’t- that hair represents you. the fact that your partner doesn’t love you for all that you are kinds hurts my feelings…

i brought this up with my husband and he says there are things we sometimes don’t like about each other. like me not liking his bottom row of teeth. I suppose this is similar so…perhaps it’s not that big of a deal…

kdub1119
kdub1119
11 years ago

this dude seems color struck. i’d tell him to kick rocks, but that’s me.

kadiane*francophone
kadiane*francophone
11 years ago

You have to investigate about why he is still with you. You lost he hair . Your are still light skinned. If you felt the need to talk about you skin color and the reaction it gets..it is probably because you have some suspicion about you boyfriend. Someone can be a nice guy and have a fetish at the same time. Attraction is not love.

QuitaD
QuitaD
11 years ago

Unless he presents you with some hardware (i.e. a ring) I would stop taking his comments so seriously and do what makes and keeps you happiest.

Claire
11 years ago

Is it me, or is this the height of hypocrisy?

Your boyfriend has LOCS, for Pete’s sake.

I don’t want to ramble/rant, so I won’t say any more.

Ansley
Ansley
11 years ago

My boyfriend of 4 years hates my natural hair. And he has baby locs. Oh well. Im not changing it!

LexiWithTheCurls
11 years ago

I think if a man loves you, he is supposed to LOVE all of you. You are supposed to be the most beautiful thing on this planet to HIM regardless of hair, nose, complexion, ears, and everything else. Thats just my opinion. –Not saying your bf doesn’t love you. Thank God I haven’t had those issues. My bf claims he is the one that convinced me to go natural (he wasn’t lol). He loves my hair and complements me all the time..but I do get frustrated sometimes when he compliments me more when my hair is straightened. He always says “I… Read more »

yaya21
yaya21
11 years ago

Girl I love your hair and it looks GREAT on you. I did the same thing a few yrs ago and it’s so much better and healthier for your hair. We have the same background (Haitian) and light skin and it seemed like if your light skin with long hair then you shouldn’t mess with it. Even some people in my family said I needed to get a perm but I didn’t care. I love the natural thing so much better. And your boyfriend has some serious nerve! He has dreds for goodness sake! LOL wow! And the whole comment… Read more »

MissBNatural
MissBNatural
11 years ago

I don’t really understand what it is about natural hair that he doesn’t appreciate or like. As a man with long (beautiful looking, might I add) locs, you would think he would be the first to empathize and even encourage your natural hair journey. I’m sure your relationship is stronger than what you do with your hair, but come on! You have to pick and choose your battles. Is this worth ending the relationship, or is this something that can eventually be fixed? I know we all have our preferences in what we find attractive, but if your hair is… Read more »

Indigowaters
Indigowaters
11 years ago

I was ok with this whole article until I found out he was natural. If that ain’t the pot calling the kettle “light-skinned”. Smh.

Del
Del
11 years ago

I just did my big chop on the 10th of this month. I have been loving it, but getting used to not having longer and permed hair or a long weave. My husband hasn’t said a single compliment yet and it pretty much bothers me more than I want to let on. He is Caucasian and I’m a light skinned black woman, I think I have a hard time accepting my natural hair because I’ve never lived with it, but I’m learning to. But it doesn’t make it easy on me when he obviously prefers my hair to look like… Read more »

Dee
Dee
11 years ago

your hair is beautiful!!!

as for the main subject, It’s sad that he is natural and does not like your natural hair. But you are the only that can decide what to do with the situation.

CB
CB
11 years ago

Although he has locks he clearly has issues with natural hair, there are some people who hide behind locks so they don’t have to deal with every part of the natural life. he sees it as a double standard, some want to be natural but they really don’t except a partner that is actually natural he seems to want a black girl with straight hair while he wears his curls so that you both are excepted.…at least that’s my opinion.

Lina
Lina
11 years ago

I am still trippin’ on the 7 year bit. That might be the biggest issue of all.

Nameless
Nameless
11 years ago

Lil’ Wayne (who eloquently described himself as being “tougher than Nigerian hair”) has locs… so there definitely is no pre-requisite of appreciating natural hair or celebrating African beauty. T‑Pain has locs, too. LOL.

target queen
11 years ago

sounds like a cornball..sorry but he would have to go, its kinda ridiculous.

target queen
11 years ago

oh wait a minute.he said “you look black now?” oh HELL NO, HE WOULD HAVE TO GO..NICE MAN OR NOT, THAT SAYS A WHOLE LOT ABOUT WHO HE IS AND WHAT HE IS ABOUT, NOW ITS COMING OUT SINCE YOUVE GONE NATURAL.. I could not live with anyone who would even think to say anything like that to me..CORNBALL, hope he doesnt carry that attitude to your maybe future children…im sure he will come up with all sorts of negative things to say to your daughter about her hair..oh no..stop the cycle. its 2010 not 1920 these attitudes about our hair are… Read more »

Toi
Toi
11 years ago

I’m confused. so he has Locs, and he doesn’t like YOUR natural hair?! that just doesnt make since. Can he give you a legitimate reason why he doesnt like your natural hair and/or prefers your straight hair. This i HAVE to know!

KB
KB
11 years ago

Why did I read this tonight?! This story is vexing! The man’s perspective on women’s beauty is based on colorist ideology for sure! I know that you are an amazing individual, which must be icing on the cake for him, but I truly believe that your skin color (and your straight hair) is THE CAKE. Maybe I took that analogy too far but I feel like he’s acting like the very same guys you say that you rejected in high school. Let me just ask you this: If you do plan to stay with this man for the rest of… Read more »

BedStuyMama
BedStuyMama
11 years ago

I’m not sure what to say. I’m natural, have been so for many years. I met my partner while natural however, I sometimes play with wigs to either make myself have a bigger fluffier natural, I also have two that are straight looks, don’t wear them very often. My partner has his favorite looks (the bigger, fluffier styles) and he has the looks that he doesn’t like very much. But MY hair, that which is naturally mine, he loves. He plays with it, he tells me he loves it, it is the hair that our daughter has. Your hair, in its… Read more »

KB
KB
11 years ago

And another thing…

Yes, compromise in a relationship is very important. But NEVER change the things that you like about yourself for someone else. You’ll end up resenting that person in the long run. But you seem like a strong minded, smart woman who knows her value. I doubt you’ll change that for anyone!

shea
shea
11 years ago

after reading more comments i have a little more to say:
i dunno.…i know he’s nice and all
but considering the world we live in…I just think it’s hard enough as is for women of color

so to have to go home to a man that doesn’t love you for you
i don’t know you, but i think you deserve better. there are men out that will love every ounce of you– that’s what everyone deserves.

LB
LB
11 years ago

HELLO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN ANYONE READ ON THIS SITE. NO WHERE DID THIS WOMAN SAY HER BF IS DATING HER BECAUSE OF HER SKIN-TONE. SHE SAID THAT OTHER MEN HAVE SAID IT TO HER.

I SWEAR SOME OF Y“ALL NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL CAUSE IT IS DAMN SHAME THAT NO ONE CAN READ.

BlackOnyx03
BlackOnyx03
10 years ago
Reply to  LB

I’m late…

But she didn’t have to say it. You can look and “listen to” that dark, self-hating black man and look at her 17-year-old self and figure it all out. Please don’t act like upwards of 90-some-odd percent of black men today don’t pick a women based in some, or even in large, measure on the color of her skin.

curvy curl
curvy curl
11 years ago

wow…I read this post around 7pm and it is now 10:30 and I am still thinking about it. I kinda have to agree with some of the other posts and wonder if the hair issue is just a cover he is using to hide a bigger issue. In a relationship there is a lot of give and take but self-esteem and confidence should never be up for discussion. For you to post this on a blog means it is seriously causing u a lot of mental anguish and that my dear is not good when its about HAIR. I’m sorry but… Read more »

no one
no one
11 years ago

Why am I not surprised that my last comment didn’t get posted? Oh right.… I’m not pushing IR dating on her or telling her to leave her “horrible, evil, totally wrong and disgusting” BLACK significant other! Wow, BGLH. I should’ve known better than to think this site was any different from the others.

happy to be nappy
happy to be nappy
11 years ago

I have been with my hubby for 4 years and married for a yr and a half he still is trying to get used to my natural hair. I did my big chop in 07 I had a really low cut that was nearly bald and I loved it!!!!He told me he likes my hair now as long as I dont go back bald he loves the fact that he doesnt see stringy broken permed hair all over the place!You been together with Young Berg for 7 yrs and he didnt put a ring on it plus he doesnt like… Read more »

beadgyrl
beadgyrl
11 years ago

Rose, your hair is gorgeous, and I love it. You seem more happy with your hair natural. You can see that sistas flock to this topic, because many of us are dealing with the same attitude from our own men. My man hates my hair too, but he’ll get used to it. It’s been a year and a half for me. I have just become comfortable with doing my two-strand twists. So I am on the road to growth.…but yes it’s going to be a while yet. He knows I refuse to relax or heat style, because simply put, I… Read more »

Nicole
Nicole
11 years ago

First of all, your hair super fly. That really sucks that your bf isn’t feeling it, natural hair is super sexy. I remember the first time a guy lovingly and appreciatively (sp?) put his hand in my coils it was like nothing I’d experienced before. I hope your bf comes around. Significant others don’t have to like everything about you, I’m not even sure that’s possible, but if it’s something important to you they should at learn to respect and accept it if not learn to love it and its perks. Like you don’t have to worry about getting your… Read more »

Monet
Monet
11 years ago

Have you asked him WHY he prefers your hair straight? Have you told him that your natural hair journey means a lot to you (and will not come to end, whether he likes it or not)? I think if he saw his negative/lack of attention bothers you, he’d reexamine his own behavior, at least, if not his actual reasonings and reactions. I must say, it baffles me that a Black man with locs would act like this about natural hair. Even my white boyfriend says “the poofier, the sexier” about my kinky fro. Your man sounds conditioned, great guy or not,… Read more »

DontChange4Me
DontChange4Me
11 years ago

Dang yall, she said that he is a good guy, why dig into his character and their relationship like that? It’s just hair! It’s not that serious! I am SURE there are some things about HIM that SHE doesn’t like. UNFORTUNATELY in a RELATIONSHIP both people will not like EVERYTHING about each other.…it’s OK!!!!! Why is it so hard for us to accept each others differences, and at the end of the day still love one another? I thought that most of us were natural in hair and heart, but I guess not. Rose, why did you send in a… Read more »

angelarose
11 years ago

First off, to the comment about 7 years being a long time to be someones boyfriend/girlfriend, you don’t have a clue to the nature of their relationship and you shouldn’t form an opinion of it based on what you value in a relationship. Some people don’t feel getting married is important. I never did, and my (now) husband and I were together for 7 years before we got married. We only decided to get married because I got pregnant and wanted in on his health benefits and for other bureacracy. Also to the commenters who think she should re-evaluate there… Read more »

AfroKisses
AfroKisses
11 years ago

@ LB…I was kinda noticing that(in quieter tones, lol) But yup she never said that her current boyfriend had any hangups about her skin…Just her hair. Now I feel bad for not noting that sooner since I noticed that yesterday. Anyway, I don’t know how I’d feel if I had a bf who didn’t like my hair. I personally DON’T think that just because a guy doesn’t like your hair he doesn’t love you. I do think that it’s a little insensitive to say he doesn’t like it and not come up with something that he does like. I don’t… Read more »

char/dendoo
11 years ago

It’s a day later and I’m STILL thinking about this. I just want to encourage you to be true to yourself no matter what your man thinks. I felt towards the end of the post you were trying to brush things off and come off lightly but if you wrote a post about this then it must be an issue. Your hair is beautiful and on the real tip you’re the only one who knows how much is too much when it comes to your man and his views of your hair. I wish you the best of luck.

Stacey
Stacey
11 years ago

When I decided to release myself from the constraints of chemical relaxers, I decided that I wouldn’t date anyone who couldn’t accept and treasure the way my hair looked. I do not straighten my hair, EVER, for any reason for anyone. I am going into my 2nd year afroversary in November. The man I was dating when I BC’d was all for it. He was supportive and didn’t mind that for much of our relationship my hair wasn’t much longer than his. Though we aren’t together now, I always remember how supportive he was about it. I refuse to date a… Read more »

BennyCocoaButter
BennyCocoaButter
11 years ago

Wow… as a black man I gotta chime in,

I want to first of all congratulate all of the black women that I am now noticing have started this trend of going natural. If no other black man says it, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!!! I LOVE IT!!!

I’m not warming up yet to the bald headed look or the caesar cuts… that’s too close to looking like a man for me. Especially if you work out… LOL. Otherwise, keep looking beautiful and NATURAL is DEFINITELY the way to go!

-BCB

donna
donna
11 years ago

Conditioning is something else I tell you!!! IMO your natural hair is so much prettier than your hair straightened, not knocking straight hair in saying that just saying your naturally hair compliments you most. I don’t know if this is his story but I have heard of black men thinking certain features that make up who we are as black people, belong on men but not women, so in order for you to be the beautiful feminine woman you ought to be, your hair needs to be silky and straight. Crazy thing is that’s now what our hair looks like… Read more »

Patrice
Patrice
11 years ago

Your mane looks gorgeous either way. I definitely think he needs to watch his derogatory comments. “Mop head” is not acceptable. Tell your female friends there is NO SUCH THING AS “Good Hair”. Anyone can have a bad or good hairstyle day. Ask them if your hair is good, whose hair is bad? Kinky, nappy hair is NOT BAD hair. It’s a different hair texture than main stream America. There will always be people who will not like natural hair. They’re like a virus and keep spreading. That’s okay I don’t wear my hair for them, I wear it for… Read more »

TSM-L
TSM-L
11 years ago

Wow!!!! I was TRULY surprised to see that your boyfriend had LOCS! You would think with him growing his locs for 14 years he’d encourage you embracing your natural hair. I think it looks great on you!

Jc
Jc
11 years ago

1. I say we band together and get the boy some glasses.

2. Here is some wisdom from Katt Williams. The video has a lot of swearing but it is hilarious. Here is a fact — self esteem does come from the self, has nothing to do with the guy.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=5401848

3. Loving your hair has nothing to do with relatives, friends or family. Much like self esteem, it comes from within.

Nina
Nina
11 years ago

Have you two ever talked about why he does not prefer your natural hair?

SistaBeulah
11 years ago

Girl you are beautifully natural, you with straight hair is also pretty but the depth of your beauty is wearing your hair the way God intended to be: FREE!!!!

Jenn
Jenn
11 years ago

Your natural does indeed look fabulous! Your straight hair looks great, too. To me, one of the best things about having natural hair are the numerous styling options. You can straighten it, wear it natural, twist it, braid it, etc. Now, it is VERY intersting that your man has locs but doesn’t like your natural hair. I’m not sure what to make of that. But I will say this. As naturalistas, many of us struggled with the decision to leave the relaxers alone and embrace our natural hair texture. (I’m 30-something now and have been relaxer free for about 5 years.… Read more »

Brendita
11 years ago

First of all, I think you look STUNNING with your natural hair: You are glowing & radiant. Your story made me sad. Hair isn’t “just” hair for ANY woman. I accompanied a close friend to her chemo sessions and I recall the day that her nurse told her that her hair would fall out. The three of us were all crying, sobbing, snotting, etc. The nurse said something I will NEVER forget: “If anyone tells you ‘Oh, it’s just hair, it’ll grow back’, ask them to shave all of their hair off to prove their point.” I can’t comment on… Read more »

summer-daze
summer-daze
11 years ago

I’m confused as to how he has locs, yet has nothing positive to say about natural hair. His locs are obviously just a hairstyle to him bc they’re definitely not bc he’s conscious! Any man that is conscious would LOVE to see a sista wearing her hair naturally. PSSHH!!

BennyCocoaButter — Thank you, kind sir! We need more men that think the way you do in regards to natural hair 🙂

NappturallyHappy
NappturallyHappy
11 years ago

I hope the author chimes back in at some point. She may already have, but I couldn’t make it through all of the judgments/comments. Her man is getting roasted (unfairly) on here. I guess quite a few of us have forgotten what our views were like before we went natural. I know I went through a period of acceptance even after I went natural. I absolutely LOVE my natural hair now and no one could convince me to change it, but that wasn’t always the case. If it took time for me to accept my own natural tresses, shouldn’t I… Read more »

Dominique
Dominique
11 years ago

When I think of hair, I think of health period. What you do to your body inwardly will be shown outwardly. To make comments disapproving a part of God’s creation is ludicrous. We can blame it on the European society or what black men don’t like but it is an issue of what we see within ourselves. You don’t have to be obligated to mold to what a man wants you to do because of his selfish reasons. Clearly, there is beauty here but he refuses to see it. I am most certain that if this issue was vice versa… Read more »

summer-daze
summer-daze
11 years ago

hehe said: “beside the hair issue. why did he pause and then tell you what he use to like about you. hmmm.”

O‑KKAAAYY!! I forgot to add that in. When he took that long behind pause, I would have said “goodnight” & spent the rest of the night evaluating our relationship. What the aych was THAT about?

Black Married Momma said: “Seven years is a long time to be someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend.”

It really is…

mynaturalhairrocks
mynaturalhairrocks
11 years ago

Im sure your boyfriend is a nice person and all but he is CRAZY if he doesn’t like your natural hair. Its GORGEOUS! i love it! I’ve been natural for a year and half myself, and ive come to realize that the most important thing is excepting and loving your hair.

dont ever doubt it looks amazing cuz it does!

Ashley
Ashley
11 years ago

I wasn’t going to comment because there are already so many but I can’t help myself. Not only is your hair gorgeous but your guy should appreciate your natural hair because it is your natural hair. It’s the way you are like when you don’t wear makeup or any other temporary “enhancements”. It’s as if a girl with brown hair who always bleached it blonde and met her guy as a blonde got tired of the upkeep and decided to embrace her natural hair color. It would be terrible if her guy were to make comments like “I miss when… Read more »

MsForeverFaithful
MsForeverFaithful
11 years ago

This is a great topic! I experienced this issue with my ex as well. But I aggree with Jc, it’s your own personalized swag that matters. I just wish I had more confidence and awareness of myself when I had natural hair during that relationship. After wearing braids (which my ex did not mind), I ended up perming it for that much sought after regular “look”. while he never complimented my natural hair (shoot I didn’t even think it was cute!) he never downed it either. He actually told me that it wasn’t about the state of my hair but… Read more »

Val
Val
11 years ago

I loved this!! Great blog. I had a similar experience when I did my BC on July 11, 2010 (very recent, yay me!). My boyfriend’s problem wasn’t the natural part…it was the BC he didn’t like. Lol. He does not like women with “boy cuts” or extremely short hair…so that was and still is a little issue. He prefers long hair. But, he understands why I’m doing it and knows that I’m growing it out so it’s cool. I absolutely love my hair and my little curlies! Your hair is beautiful and even if ya“ll are old and gray and… Read more »

Jennae
11 years ago

There’s not a whole lot I can say that hasn’t already been said, but I just think it really IS a punchline that he has locs but doesn’t like your natural hair! I’m with summer-daze: His locs probably just a hairstyle rather than coming from consciousness. Hy husband is a rasta, and he wanted me to go natural for YEARS before I actually did it. That said, to each his own. Your hair is gorgeous, and as long as he’s not making negative comments and you’re not arguing about it every day, I say let it go. He’ll just have to… Read more »

NATURAL SISTAH
NATURAL SISTAH
11 years ago

His stance about your natural hair is HYPOCRITICAL to say the least. However, I do not see it as being an issue that has affected your relationship. So with that said, all the very best in convincing him to embrace your natural hair as he has your personality etc. Tell him hair is part of the package baby!!!lol

thelady
thelady
11 years ago

Don’t ever let anyone talk down to you. You’ve been together 7 years so you obviously love each other but stand up for yourself! Let him know that if he want to make it to year 8 he needs to stop the negative hair comments.

Didi
Didi
11 years ago

Your boyfriend should be thanking his lucky stars that he has such a beautiful girlfriend. You are such a catch. AND your natural hair is thick and healthy. Isn’t that more important than having straight hair? I think so. Keep rocking it. 🙂

ndygo sunshyne
11 years ago

BOYS!! What are we going to do with them? I must say that YOU and your hair look far more vibrant & alive in your curly state. Not to discount your beauty before, but your hair made you look tired & lifeless. I’m amazed how many people actually prefer this look. As for your boyfriend…I’m not sure how I feel about this. My hair’s been natural my whole life w/the exception of 8 months. My ex’s issue was short hair, not natural hair, & clowned me when I cut it, calling me Florida Evans. We both got over it. What you’ve described… Read more »

Suhaillah
Suhaillah
11 years ago

That’s too bad. I believe that a man can dislike a quality about you but still love you as long as his disdain doesn’t “stain” the relationship. But if he makes you feel bad about yourself then I would question what are the possibilities between us. It’s not just about curly hair, it’s about a having a preference over loving the person. If this person rides for you, is there for you, loves you unconditionally and he/she just happens to be, let’s say slew footed, hey, deal with it and move on. But if he’s a jerk about it (which… Read more »

Salimah
Salimah
11 years ago

Oh honey after I read the entire story and got to the bottom and saw the photo of you two I had to re-read! I thought I missed something about how you met another brotha who accepted your natural hair.… How ironic he has locs and dislikes your natural hair! Wow!! Let me also tell you that I LOVE your hair!! Absolutely beautiful!!!! Keep up the good work. I love his hair as well! I will also say that I was nervous when I went to my natural hair. The man that I was dating grown used to me wearing micro braids… Read more »

Camille
Camille
11 years ago

There’s no accounting for taste, you look fabulous, but well it seems like the dude loves you otherwise. For reasons I can barely explain, I have a thing for tan sporty guys with curly hair and my husband is nothing like that, but I love him anyway. So, uh. I don’t know. But I don’t think you should make too much of it.

I’m a victim brother. I’m a victim of 400 years of conditioning. The man has programmed my conditioning. Even my conditioning has been conditioned!” — Chameleon Street (1989)

g.
g.
11 years ago

Uhm Mm. I don’t like Randy. lol

serenissima
11 years ago

your hair is fabulous. F‑A-B-U-L-O-U‑S. and i actually think it speaks highly of your man that he DOESNT like your hair but you have still been in a healthy, happy relationship for the past 7 years. *ducks stones* A lesser man would have told you to change your hair back or it was through. No relationship is perfect and we all have things about our mate that we may not like but we deal with because we love them, so congratulations on finding a man who loves you regardless of how he personally feels about something as trivial as hair. Ashley… Read more »

LaToya
LaToya
11 years ago

Hey I am in this same situation with my hubby. We met back in 2001 and I used to braid his hair until one day he decided to get dredlocks. Then when we got married 6 1/2 years ago and we had our son, he wanted him to have dreds. When I was 25, I decided to break off the creamy crack and go natural after my hair broke off. I had to restore it myself and ever since then I started going natural. My hubby didn’t like the fact that I wanted to go natural, but lately when I… Read more »

Loquacious
Loquacious
11 years ago

Questions I think you should ask yourself then your boyfriend: 1. Why do you need to accept someone that does not accept the natural you? 2. Why does your boyfriend find himself attractive in his natural state, but doesn’t view you as attractive in your natural state? I don’t think you wrote this blog because you were looking for compliements. I nor anyone else needs to tell you that your hair is beautiful. You already know this. I advise that you have a “Come to Jesus” talk (that’s what we call very serious conversations in the South) with your boyfriend about… Read more »

Ashley
Ashley
11 years ago

Do you think it may be the way you wear your natural hair???? My boyfriend likes my natural hair better than when I had a perm, however, this past week for his b‑day he wanted me to wear it straight (as if natural hair couldn’t be formal)…I reluctantly agreed ( I don’t mind wearing it straight but I did not want to waste 3 extra hours doing it).…I got lazy and used my day old curly fro and did all kinds of twists and braids into an updo with the curls falling down from the top. That boy wouldnt stay… Read more »

Mina
Mina
11 years ago

I’ve gotta say it, others have been beating around the bush and throwing excuses left and right.… DROP HIM! Life is way to short to be dealing with such foolishness. Honestly, despite his dreads and dark skin he’s got some underlying issues around true beauty ideals. Did he ever like you for you or was it the light skin and long hair? I’ll alway remember what my grandmother told me, men meet women expecting them never to change, and women meet men planning the ways to change them. Do you want to be singing these same lines for years, or perhapse… Read more »

Abe
Abe
11 years ago

this makes me both angry AND sad. his double standard is NOT okay. you look BEAUTIFUL with your natural hair…if he can’t accept that,it means he’s not accepting you and that’s a problem.

Vanisha
11 years ago

lol im in shock with the last line… him having long locks yet he loves your straight hair??? it’s kind of a slap in the face, honestly, i’d assume he’d prefer you in your natural state. he fooled me!

pineapplegrl
pineapplegrl
11 years ago

from the way you described him..he is very superficial

Men = Stress
Men = Stress
11 years ago

Girrrlllll. You have beautiful hair. Having a bf that does not like your natural hair is a drag, BUT you are so strong because you have not relaxed it. He has locks.… I am having a hard time believing that. Is that pic of him photoshopped??? SMH

aisling
aisling
11 years ago

This is why I can’t do superficial… Yes, brothers struggle with self love/hate too… but, because it’s a struggle I would prefer someone who is a little more enlightened than me ( so that they can help and support me when I’m struggling) .. that has nothing to do with a college degree.. The fact that some men still think like this “light skin.. long hair= worthy of taking home to meet mom” is discouraging. What if you were dark skinned and had locks just like his…could he love her like he loves that look on his self? Hair really… Read more »

artsy282
artsy282
11 years ago

Wow I cant believe the response from your boyfriend considering that he has been growing his locs for 14 yrs. Sorry your self esteem took a dip, but girl just do you and know that you are beautiful. Your hair is fabulous by the way.

Daja
Daja
11 years ago

People I think we need to remember that these men especially black men grow up in the same household and society as we may have grown up in (i.e relaxed straight long hair). I think the key thing that needs to be done for her is having an open honest discussion with him about why you wanted to change your hair and what it truly means to you. A great article I found may help further explain what I’m talking about. http://thenaturalhaven.blogspot.com/2009/06/question-of-week-unsupportive-husband.html Simply bashing the guy isn’t going to help b/c I know for a fact my bros weren’t with… Read more »

MissyD
MissyD
11 years ago

Wow, its a little weird that he has locs but doesn’t like your natural hair.…Thats really weird actually. I think a lot of naturals in the beggining have some days when they don’t have the highest self esteem. But then again Women of all walks of life have bad hair days. I hope your boyfriend has a turning around if this is someone you want to be with. Ive always said, if you can’t love my fro, you’re gonna have a hard time loving me.

ms_micia
ms_micia
11 years ago

*lesigh* Oh dahling, I wish I could say I agree with you that this young man is a “good guy”. I mean on one hand if his non-acceptance of your hair was a deal breaker then you guys wouldn’t be together. But at the same time if he’s looking at the same beautiful woman I see, then he’s a little crazy and I would tell you that there ARE men out there who will tell u all of you including your beautiful natural hair is B‑E-Autiful. Now if your trying to hold on to this brother (who i think is… Read more »

kadiane*francophone
kadiane*francophone
11 years ago

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY a guy that does NOT have locs is not considered natural?? Even if the guy had a hair cut wouldn’t he be considered natural ??? Is that a way to GIVE A PASS THE OTHER GUYS? I often here people say: ”You don’t like my hair but that is the hair that grows out of your mother’s scalp.” WELL , that’s the hair that grows on YOUR scalp and it is unaltered. I can care less if he has locs. To my mind, it has nothing to do with topic. Unless.….you think natural hair is a… Read more »

Sunshine
Sunshine
11 years ago

I hope this gets noticed, and that another article becomes of it. Looking at the picture of her boyfriend I notice that he is a very dark skinned man. I find that many dark men have issues with self hate and when dating they prefer lighter women, so light that they date outside of their race. I think some adults date with genetics in mind (i.e. darker men don’t want dark children like them so they prefer to lighten up the gene pool). Maybe her boyfriend liked her because she had long straight (Eurocentric) hair and light skin- but now… Read more »

Tonia
Tonia
11 years ago

He’d betta mind before someone scoops you AND yo natural hair off his hands!!!!!!

Chanel
Chanel
11 years ago

I feel so bad for women that have that kind of experience with their man. My new husband and I have been together for 7 years and he absolutely loves me natural. I am the first natural woman he has been in a relationship with and he would have it no other way. I hate to say this about Randy but I think he is apart of the group of dark skin men that feel like it’s okay for them to look “black” but they don’t want their woman to look like that. I am a dark-skin woman, but all of… Read more »

madameblaque
madameblaque
11 years ago

You look beautiful and deserve to be accepted in any way you feel comfortable. Sunshine, Chanel and others really hit the nail on the head in everything they said. Many of the dark-skinned men I’ve known have some kind of issue with hair and complexion–they only liked girls with long, straight hair and several shades lighter than they were. It is sad, but that really is what some of them are conditioned to believe is “Real Beauty”.They simply must be re-educated about this, but if not, deserve someone who accepts you and compliments you on how you look regardless of… Read more »

R
R
11 years ago

Stay strong…that picture of you on the beach looks so nice, don’t let him take that smile away!

JouJou
11 years ago

I know that many women feel it is ok to relax their hair and that’s great. However you look so much more gorgeous with your natural hair. You are drop dead gorgeous! Just as one of the ladies who commented above mentioned, I too agree that you are having doubts about your relationship. Your significant other, partner, husband whatever has a responsibility of accept you completely as you are. It seems to me, he is not. This is very painful. My experience is the opposite, my boyfriend convinced me to wear my natural hair sans weave or faux braids and… Read more »

Natalie Sanders
Natalie Sanders
11 years ago

LOVE,LOVE,LOVE this blog…you are a beautiful woman and I commend you for putting your story out there for others to relate to. 😉

Avanti
Avanti
11 years ago

I too experienced some negative responses from a romantic interest due to my natural hair. Last year I had met a guy through family and friend connections and we clicked (or so I thought) and I let him know up front, one of my pet peeves was people who did not respect my decision to have natural hair since the family I was staying with were constantly teasing me and downing the way my hair looked. When I actually started to date this well educated and successful guy he never told me I was pretty or cute and he never… Read more »

Satorni
11 years ago

Wow!!! at this topic my boyfriend and i have been dating for alomost 3 years the 29 of this month and last september i decided that i was through of the perms and creamy crack my hair just would not grow it always broke off no matter what i did to it silk scarfs deep conditioners wrapping it just everything nothing worked look good or 2 mths the next thing i know its breaking off… but he would just insist that i should keep going and getting it done and permed “it’ll be straight” is all he ever said… bump… Read more »

krianne thomasson
krianne thomasson
11 years ago

i am sorry but what i have 2 say to the two women who CRIED cause their love interest insulted their hair and then STAYED with them.….smh.….i am sorry but i am a very blunt person and i guess that is why ppl kinda know what and what not to say to me but i have never had a man (ESPECIALLY on that i was dating) EVER tell me that my hair was ugly or that i should straighten it. i am 18 years old and went natural when i was 16 and all the dude that i have EVER… Read more »

Taneica
10 years ago

well…you’re 18. Probably 19 by now. That’s a hell of a hasty judgement you’re passing on the author and previous commentors, dont you think?

Ashleu
Ashleu
9 years ago
Reply to  Taneica

Taneica I agree. That is a hasty judgement. Just because he doesn’t like the hair means nothing…If they’re still together that means the love is there. Relationships don’t mean you agree on everything or like everything the person does.

SimplyPrincess
SimplyPrincess
9 years ago
Reply to  Ashleu

I agree with Taneica and Ashleu as well Krianne… When you are in more serious relationships you will understand it better. I agree that the women did take it pretty rough and could have up and walked away but my hair is a part of me and someone wanting to be with me will have to accept that. But being an adult, you will learn that sometimes accepting certain things, even small ones as minor as hair styles, takes time. I personally wouldn’t have stayed but I will not pass judgement on someone who did because there are other things… Read more »

Day
Day
9 years ago
Reply to  SimplyPrincess

I agree with Krianne. To put up with such a mean statement isn’t love. You can’t allow someone to put you or your hair down. I’ve been in a serious relationship for 15 years and if he ever said anything so hurtful to me there would be trouble. A man has to accept you and your hair just as women accept men. If he can’t deal, there’s another man who will cherish you COMPLETELY.

venusfiretongue
venusfiretongue
9 years ago
Reply to  Day

I think that all the adult women taking abuse from men have something to learn from this 18 year old girl. the fact that everyone wants to be ageist and put her down cause of her youth tells me that you women PREFER abuse to liberation. TO HELL with any man, 7 yrs together or 47 yrs together, who puts you down and upholds the white supremacist beauty standard. This young sista is the ONLY ONE IN HERE making any dang sense. Out of the Mouth of babes! Sis keep your head up! Know that grown women are jealous of your strength… Read more »

Valencia
Valencia
9 years ago

I just had this happen to me a week ago. My “friend” told me in front of my momma that he needed a comb, because he “do natural, but don’t do nappy!” My Mother told him off quickly, and he still was asking for a comb! It was horrible and soooooo hurtful. Haven’t talked to him since! All you ladies who stay with a man that has no problem hurting your feelings and not supporting you, while you support him in his endeavors/looks/wants, need to make sure that you aren’t settling out of desperation–that’s all I’m saying! BTW, I’m 37.

venusfiretongue
venusfiretongue
9 years ago

STAND STRONG SIS! these women are JEALOUS they don’t have the strength or sense you have at 18. It is my hope that you carry this sense with you throughout your life. ANY MAN who disrespects you, insults you, upholds white supremacist beauty standards against you does NOT DESERVE YOU! women get grown and beat down by maleness and begin submitting to it. I was a lot like u at ur age and to this day I am the same and I encounter these broads with their low self esteem and preference for male issued praise DAILY. it never changes,… Read more »

Zee2010
Zee2010
11 years ago

I think your man is a big hypocrite, and I think there’s something deeper to him not liking you with natural hair. He probably doesn’t like natural hair on all black women. Ask him what he thinks about wavy hair (loose curls), perhaps a person who is biracial or has latin hair. Would something be wrong then? Smh.

Anallia
Anallia
11 years ago

Wow. This is why you can never judge a book by his cover. Your man looks like a conscious, bohemian, earthy type of dude. I would never guess that a black man with long dreds would prefer his woman to have straight hair. The two of you are beautiful together. Your complexions and hair are the shit. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee…lol. Your natural hair not only compliments you, it compliments him too!

Anallia
Anallia
11 years ago

Anallia

28 September 2010 at 12:26 am

Permalink

Wow. This is why you can never judge a book by his cover. Your man looks like a conscious, bohemian, earthy type of dude. I would never guess that a black man with long dreds would prefer his woman to have straight hair. The two of you are beautiful together. Your complexions and hair are together are AWESOME ! He needs to wake up and smell the coffee…lol. Your natural hair not only compliments you, it compliments him too!

Leonie UK
Leonie UK
11 years ago

…and the reason why more and more Black woman are dating non Black men FULL STOP/NUFF SAID.

Irene
9 years ago
Reply to  Leonie UK

A lot of my black male friends have complimented me for having my hair natural, but I have never seen them date a girl with natural hair. My husband just happens to be white lol. I still think a lot of men are influenced by western societies’ standards of beauty and are probably more concerned with what other people think.

Valencia
Valencia
9 years ago
Reply to  Leonie UK

Amen!

godlessgoddess
godlessgoddess
11 years ago

wow. i wouldn’t have guessed that a man with dreds would prefer his girl to have straight hair over natural. i think your hair looks beautiful! when i did the BC, my guy was not only supportive, he shaved my hair off for me. he likes my hair natural, he compliments me all the time on how nice it looks… before i went natural i wondered how he would feel because he’s a fairly conservative white guy but it was what i wanted to do and he never once made me feel anything less than beautiful for it. i hope… Read more »

M
M
11 years ago

I’ll just say, it’s up to you what you do about this, but no one should make you feel bad about wearing your hair the way God made it. Also… can I just say to everyone being biracial does not been your hair is necessarily tamer than anyone else’s believe me I know and my Dad’s hair is straight, but my hair is big and kinky. Anyone who says your hair is ugly is wrong.

Davina G.
Davina G.
10 years ago

Ugh… all I can say is 7 years with no ring and he doesn’t like your hair. Just because someone has a college degree and provides financially does not mean they are a “good man”. It simply means they have a sense of responsibility. Honestly, he sounds like he has major issues… maybe you should start spending more time outside until you get a little darker and see if he starts complaining that you spend too much time outside. If I had to guess, no offense meant, I’d say the only reason he probably got with you in the first… Read more »

Anne
Anne
10 years ago
Reply to  Davina G.

+1

Toya J
Toya J
10 years ago
Reply to  Davina G.

amen

vic
vic
10 years ago
Reply to  Davina G.

truth.

neon dark
neon dark
9 years ago
Reply to  Davina G.

COSIGN.

Tierra
Tierra
9 years ago
Reply to  Davina G.

OMG! Your comment was perfectly said, nothing else need to be said!

Nikita V.
Nikita V.
9 years ago
Reply to  Tierra

Thank you!! THANK you!! THANK YOU!!!

Dora D
Dora D
9 years ago
Reply to  Davina G.

Davina you said it all!

Camy
Camy
10 years ago

Honestly I think he sounds a bit hypocritical. For him to have locks and then want his woman to have straight hair? Alot of men like “trophy women.” I have went through that myself when I started to go natural and I had totally different men to approach men as a natural woman. Alot of men are so brainwashed and so europeanized that they don’t know beauty we have been blessed with. It’s really sad to know that alot of men don’t support women with natural hair. I hear alot of black men talk about black women so much. But… Read more »

NotSurprised
NotSurprised
10 years ago

I’m surprised that people are surprised that a man with dreadlocks would be opposed to nappy hair on a woman. This is not uncommon at all, and there are plenty of dark skin men with dreadlocks who prefer all sorts of non-black things: hair, skin color, even prefer non-black women. Not surprised. What I am surprised about is that the author described him as “caring,” but when she asked him what he liked about her, he didn’t tell her even one thing. He just told her what he used to like. It’s almost like he said “nothing, I used to… Read more »

Smh
Smh
10 years ago
Reply to  NotSurprised

Well I’m sure the second thing to pop into his mind was her light skin, but luckily he knew that wouldn’t have gone over so well and caught himself. When I was younger, I wished to be lighter skinned so that I could get more positive attention from black guys. But now that I’m older (not yet 25) I’m glad to know that if I were to break up with my non black man that I’m with right now and were to end up with a black man he would love me for me. Like seriously if a “good black… Read more »

Likewaterforchocolat
Likewaterforchocolat
10 years ago
Reply to  NotSurprised

Co-sign. It is not surprising. As a lighter complexioned black woman, I attract a lot of darker-hued black men and pretty much most of them have that complexion complex. A lot of men look at that complexion and straight hair as a status symbol, particularly if they are dark. I also think that he was attracted to the poster’s “non-blackness” as being part Latina. While black men do consider Latinas to be ethnic, they feel that it saves them from being labelled a “sellout” because they are not dating a white girl. On a couple of occasions, I was asked… Read more »

Sam Leccima
10 years ago

All I can say to you my beautiful Haitian sister is that if this gentleman wants to stay with you, he needs to love all of you. My amazing Panamanian wife has big, beautiful hair like yours. My four Haitian/Panamanian daughters (ages 2–7) have wild, wonderful natural hair like their mother.

We are not on this earth long enough to be with people who do not derive an immense amount of pleasure from being around us. I am not in the business of giving out relationship advice, but, “Ou fou si ou rete avec li!”

That’s my $.02

DeusaAfrikana
DeusaAfrikana
9 years ago
Reply to  Sam Leccima

Beautifully said:)

mixed beans
mixed beans
10 years ago

i agree with NotSurprised above, hmmmm, that’s a bit scary actually! My hubby totally supported me when i said i was going natural, he loved my TWA so much that he wanted me to keep it that way for at least a year. But i wanted to grow it, it’s now been 20 months, and i am thinking about going back to a TWA (so much easier in my opinion and i like how it looks on me). If he hadn’t supported me, i think it would have affected our relationship, cos i accept all of what/who he is naturally,… Read more »

Anon
Anon
10 years ago

I’m not surprised at all by this response. When I was in college, most of the men with dreads wouldn’t talk to ANY black women. And a LOT of dark-skinned men chase after light or non-black women. What is sadder is that you’d let someone put you down like that and still make excuses for him. I mean, it’s funny how many excuses we make for black man. No one would be supporting the decision to stay with a white man who told you that your natural hair was ugly, but this man’s female relatives have hair like this a… Read more »

Anon
Anon
10 years ago

After reading all these posts, its interesting to hear another perspective on this issue. My hair has been natural for about two years and I wear it in a variety of different styles ( anything from afro to straightened.) I often get weaves to accentuate and add drama whenever I’m feeling adventurous about color. So here’s the thing: My weaves have become somewhat of an addiction. I feel like I’m less beautiful without my extra long tresses. Sad but true. So in reference to this topic, I have been dating a man for about 6 months now, but he has… Read more »

maggie
maggie
10 years ago

This paradox is disturbing. I am a black female in the Phoenix, AZ area for med school and I can’t tell you the number of black men with locks who have white girls. This just shows that there are many black people who wear their hair for style purposes and it has nothing to do with substance. Hair doesn’t mean anything to some people unfortunately. And all of this is because of the way slavery has cut us off from knowing who we are and where we stand. These types of brothas need to be called out. Just the way… Read more »

dorinda
dorinda
10 years ago

Just a short comment but my boyfriend always reminds me that when he first meet me my hair was straight. (I’ve been natural for 8 years but for a year in between I kept my hair flat ironed.) But he has come to see the advantages of my hair. We can do things on a drop of a dime such as swim, play in the rain, and workout together without worrying about my hair! He really loves that lol.

gs
gs
10 years ago

Seriously, the double standard with hair standards with black men and women is just maddening. It seems like no one is asking the question of men (why are you growing your locs long, why are you cornrowing your hair) because to me, it makes them look a lot more feminine. I saw a guy on the train the other day with an afropuff that, if he didn’t have a close cropped beard, I could have sworn was a girl. The main reason why guys say they don’t like a natural hair is because it challenges everything that they’ve been conditioned… Read more »

LilaDee
LilaDee
10 years ago

I am just stunned at what black women put up with just to say they have a college educated black man on their hip. Please! The author needs to find someone who loves her for who she is and not some faux black power man with waist length tresses.

Tonya
Tonya
10 years ago

The article illuminates the problem with so-called Black love, which is that it seems REALLY superficial and full of hypocrisy. Black men SAY they want unconditional, ride or die love yet many are quick to jump ship or reject anything that’s not picture perfect to them. I’ve even seen or heard of beautiful together sistas, marry their IBM but end up unhappy, cheated on and divorced a few years later. This stuff is real. It’s just like that line in Jungle Fever when the wife said, “I always knew you were color struck but that wasn’t enough for you.” Superficial love,… Read more »

Leigh
Leigh
10 years ago

What happens when you have children and they have his hair and completion? Would him leave you? What will he say to your daughter about her hair? Sounds like he has a “type” and is not being true to his intention of why he is with you. He may have some issues of his own and is looking for you to be his “trophy girl”. He may even have chose locks to cover his own hair texture. I would seriously think about these things before spending the rest of your life with him. Just my thoughts. Good luck.

arielifeoma
arielifeoma
10 years ago

I have sisterlocks. My hubby loves my “predator” hair “because it is like yarn.” Yes, that is what he says and yes, it is a genuine compliment. However, I can still relate. I’ll explain why later. My hubby is white but, for some reason, he’s not attracted to black women with processed hair. He’s fine with afros but especially likes locs, even on men. He also doesn’t really like certain styles like cornrows. So, I don’t wear those. I must say that I had yarntwists in my hair when I met him. I had an afro for 5 years but he’s… Read more »

Christina Garrett
Christina Garrett
9 years ago
Reply to  arielifeoma

I totally agree with you.…I’m transitioning now and I actually ran the decision by my HUSBAND (not boyfriend or someone I was randomly dating), to see how he felt about it. Most of my friends are natural and I wanted to do it b/c women in my family have trouble with colors and chemicals…anyways, he said he was fine with it and just isn’t crazy about afros (which I’m not either).…Ultimately, he is supposertive of me letting the perm go. But I DID ask him first…WHY? Because I owe it to my husband to be attractive to his tastes to… Read more »

Cyan
Cyan
10 years ago

I love the punch line.… one day you must tell him you don’t like his natural hair.… his locs and see what he would do or react. Because thats just wrong that he’s hating your hair but expects acceptance for his!!!
I have the same problem from my fiance… he loves my straight hair but finds a problem when I wear my afros and twists!!! I don’t really take him on as I don’t wish to apply relaxers to my hair any more after having bad reactions to it.

Cyan
Cyan
10 years ago

I love the punch line… what would he call his hair.. is it natural? Why is his hair more acceptable that yours and please do not make excuses for him. He’s just plain wrong but if you love him and you do not mind him reacting that way about you cause it is not just about your hair then may be you can straighten it because it is what he prefers!! I’m sorry to be so harsh but we as women love to bend over backwards to please our men who do not appreciate us. Why can’t he accept you… Read more »

ABC
ABC
10 years ago

Looks like he has a whole lot of ignorance knotted up in those locks. I’m glad she ignored what he and others had to say. With that said … 14 years 0_0 , he must not be all bad ? Things may change 🙂

TichaMAC
TichaMAC
10 years ago

This is a trip! I’m just starting to transition, but didn’t make the big chop as os yet. On Dec 27, 2010, I cut my hair to a short Rihanna style and my husband didn’t like it because he prefers long hair, but my stance is what it always is- I will telling you what I’m planning to do, out of courtesy, by I’m definitely not asking for your approval. Those two are never to get crossed over. I say that to say, you are your own woman, whether you embrace it or not! Stop letting men, regardless of race,… Read more »

very54
very54
9 years ago
Reply to  TichaMAC

Finally a comment that resonates with me. I agree 200% with you. I am going natural (my hair isnt permed but Ive been waring extensions) and I amn scared because my bf like long hair. I love him but at the end of the day the decision to let my hair flow is mine. I do not ask for permission when it comes to my hair(styles), I may inform you but definitely not asking. I hope he’ll like it though…;-)

undressingHER
10 years ago

As a black male that absolutely HATES weave, extensions, and anything not naturally attached to a woman’s scalp, I must say I’ve had to face my own hypocritical mindset recently. While I hate weave, I do prefer straight hair most of the time. That, or short hair. I’m not big on the curls, fros, afro-puffs, etc… although I admit on some women, it shows confidence and makes them even more beautiful. Not to mention, it just seems healthier. It’s a battle going back and forth with my attraction to real hair but…non-attraction to natural hair (in style). It’s very hard… Read more »

Likewaterforchocolat
Likewaterforchocolat
10 years ago
Reply to  undressingHER

Black women do not have “naturally straight” hair (this is assuming that you are referring to black women as you may secretly be attracted to European women and are unable to cop to it). There are, of course, straight-haired naturals. In this case, the hari does not grow from their scalp straight. There is usually some sort of manipulation to straighten it.

Eboni
Eboni
9 years ago

@Likewaterforchocolat, I hope that what you really meant is the majority of “black” people in this country do not have naturally straight hair…there are definitely some who do though. I put quotes around the word black because there is debate about who falls into that category.

I do agree with you, however, this guys seemed to have confused relaxed hair with hair that is not chemically altered. To me, being natural is not a style at all.

Tish
Tish
10 years ago

It’s a shame that he expects you (without saying it)to accept his natural crown yet he can not accepts yours. My Husband of 4 years and partner for 13 has a different view which I have only realized in the past few years. I have done the big chop two times since we’ve been together. I have relaxed, weaved, braided and coloured my hair. The last time I decided to do the big chop was three years ago when I was pregnant with our last son. As soon as I realized the pregnancy I stop relaxing at that point my… Read more »

CC
CC
10 years ago

Very interesting topic, I hope to see more of this. I agree with NotSurprised,I was born and raised in Amsterdam and most men here have the same attitude, the ones with dreads are no exception. I think some of you are being too hard on Rose, I can relate a little to her situation. I am transitioning with full weaves now and plan to keep doing so for at least another six months to grow out my hair. My bf (who has long dreads) of almost two years has never seen my natural hair, but he mentioned once that he… Read more »

Catherine
Catherine
10 years ago

You are gorgeous and so is your hair. I know tons of people (of all races and genders) in my neighborhood who hate my natural and I get put down all the time. I think it has a lot to do with everyone (including the media) believing the standard is straight hair and every other texture is a problem to be fixed. However, if I look good and look good I have no reason to listen to their opinions. However, when it comes to love it is difficult. If he loves you he should love ALL of you. However, if you’re thinking about… Read more »

Vinnie
Vinnie
9 years ago

I think your hair is gorgeous. I only really get this issue with black men though, whereas mixed race men, white men and Asians seem to LOVE my hair & the guys always are either touching my hair, complimenting it or are suddenly attracted to me. I say that this guy is clearly only for you because of your light complexion. I say ditch him and find a man who will accept you for your hair and everything else. I always say that someones hair represents their personality. If he doesn’t like it, then you shouldn’t like him 🙂

Vickie
Vickie
9 years ago

Quite frankly, I disagree with most of the comments on this blog. I’m okay with my mate giving me his honest opinion. I don’t believe in throwing out the baby with the bath water. Without knowing anything else about the blogger’s relationship a lot of the “commentator” would have her leave a seven year relationship based on this blog. How silly! Initially, my husband didn’t agree with my decision to go natural but he expressed his understanding that it is my hair and my decision. Obviously, the blogger’s partner doesn’t take this decision as seriously as some of us. He… Read more »

Shay K
Shay K
9 years ago

Honey…God made your hair that way. Anyone who objects to it, that’s their problem. What really matters is how you feel about your hair. In the beginning instances will come up where you FEEL like you have to defend your decisions but after some time that feeling will go away and those HATERS will be following suit asking YOU for advice on transitioning. I hope all goes well for you, but I’m pretty sure you’ll make the decision that is best for you.

naturalmelisa
naturalmelisa
9 years ago

WOW!!! What a subject! My Ex husband didnt really like my hair either-in fact he didnt really like my skin complexion. When I went natural we were pretty much over but I was still hanging on-we were separated 3 months later-but, prior to that , he told me that he would like my hair if once it grew out it looked likehis-He’s black and white, though! I’m not !!! so, I told him my hair wouldn’t look like that unless that was my texture already ‑and it wasn’t, so he’d have to just accept it. I knew he nevver would.… Read more »

naturalmelisa
naturalmelisa
9 years ago

[img]http://bglhonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/DSCI0992.JPG[/img]
Hubby and Me-He embraces ALL of me-including my natural hair!

Ny
Ny
9 years ago

Wow! In this day and age, it is surprising to read your story. Men have always been slower to learn than women (sorry, but, we are keeping it real here, correct), so maybe one day, before the end of time, you boyfriend will learn that he has been brainwashed. I’m willing to be he wears his dreads long not becuase he is in touch with his roots, but, because he loves the long hair that blonde white women wear (beyonce brown — that’s blonde honey). He is a dark skinned man dating a light skinned woman who used to have… Read more »

KinkyHairDontCare
KinkyHairDontCare
9 years ago

I couldn’t even read all of the comments because some of the stories were making me even more furious than the post itself. I don’t understand how this dude with dreads had the gall to put his woman down for also wearing her natural hair! WTF is that?! When I did the BC and went completely natural, it was a shock for everyone who knows me because my relaxed hair used to hang down the middle of my back (I’m 5 feet tall) but my son’s father and MY OWN father were the most rude and disrespectful about my decision.… Read more »

very54
very54
9 years ago

Thxs 4 ur post. I am exactly like u: I tell and dont ask.But to be honest I am aprehemding letting my natural hair out (Ive done it before, have loved it) becausde I know that my Bf may not like it. Im sure He will eventually like ur dad abd ur sweetheart but its just emotionally tiring. I am surprised and saddenned to see that so many black men arent willing to challenge the notions of beauty that are being imposed on them.

KinkyHairDontCare
KinkyHairDontCare
9 years ago
Reply to  very54

Going and staying natural without the support of the most important people in your life is very emotionally tiring, but you have to do what you feel is best for YOU! You can’t please everyone all the time. Free yourself and your hair 🙂 Your BF will either deal with it or hit the bricks. If he chooses to do the latter, then that says more about him than it does about your choice to wear your hair out.

Vintage Art
Vintage Art
9 years ago

I really want to know who and where are these crazy a** men, because I don’t many, if any! So serious…my husband LOVES my natural hair. To be honest, he loves it all. He loves it when I wear it curly, bantu-knotted and one of his favorite which he thinks is so cute is when I cowash my hair and twist it. Mind you this is only to let them dry…but he loves it! Although I’m natural, I like change every now and then. I will NOT ever put a perm in my hair, but I will get a straight wig… Read more »

Sherri
9 years ago

My “boyfriend” hated my natural hair no matter how I wore it. Braids, Afro, short fro, twist outs, anything, it did not matter he hated all of it! He is now my EX-boyfriend for over 2 years now and I could not be happier! 🙂 I decided two days ago to chop my fro again just for fun and colored it a deep red. Today, I am Loving my hair, loving myself and defining my life on my own terms! Natural hair the same as anything in life is about personal choices and what makes me happy. Self-esteem should be… Read more »

msapril
msapril
9 years ago

I don’t understand why. You are so pretty natural. He best act right before somebody who can’t get enough of those curls comes along.He has locs, I like them but not love them. How would he feel if the tables was turned? He wouldn’t cut them off. He is trippin! 🙂

Lori
Lori
9 years ago

Wow, reading all of this was crazy!!! And I can totally relate and I am Jamaican, a country that is in part full of persons that are predominantly of African descent. Natuaral hair girls in the Islands are now making a silent comeback, but its only mostly seen as acceptable if its dreadlocked. All other natural hair is either considered wild or christian Pentecostal looking. Fast Forward, living in Germany now with my white German Fiancee and he was the one who convinced me to go natural. He loves my magic hair, and I am now so inlove with it… Read more »

reasons
reasons
9 years ago

Love your SELF and whatever makes you realize how blessed you are to be a centered, whole, and complete individual. Those who love you will be drawn to your confidence and what you love about yourself. I am natural and transitioned gracefully in a corporate environment and within a family, church, community that had not embraced the natural look. I am still Boldly who God made me to be, without compromise and they respect me for it. As an adult, you fundamentally cannot put what others think about your superficial qualities dictate how you feel about or carry yourself. It… Read more »

Irene
9 years ago

My husband actually hates straight hair and would have a serious issue if I decided to relax my hair, especially as he met me when my hair was natural. He doesn’t even like the idea of me getting a weave (although if I did I’m sure he’ll get over it because it is just temporary). I haven’t gotten one since we’ve been together come to think about it lol. All those women who have had men shatter their self-esteem just because their hair is natural really need to know that there are good men out there who will love them for… Read more »

reasons
reasons
9 years ago

Love your SELF and whatever makes you realize how blessed you are to be a centered, whole, and complete individual. Those who love you will be drawn to your confidence and what you love about yourself. I am natural and transitioned gracefully in a corporate environment and within a family, church, community that had not embraced the natural look. I am still Boldly who God made me to be, without compromise and they respect me for it. As an adult, you fundamentally cannot put what others think about your superficial qualities dictate how you feel about or carry yourself. It… Read more »

raven
raven
9 years ago

I guess its hard for some men to go with the flow and learn to love something new. I had the total opposite situation with my bf. I was relaxed when I stated dating him 3 years ago. He has 5 sisters who have been natural all there life and also own 2 natural hair salons with their grandmother. Everytime I would say that im going to get my hair done (get a touch up) he would tell that I needed to go natural. I fought him on it for maybe 6 months until I saw an ad for kinky… Read more »

Sherron
9 years ago

if i were you i’d be blogging about still being a “career girlfriend” instead of his wife after SEVEN YEARS together b cuz thats truly pathetic, know your worth and stop giving a man EVERYTHING that he wants/needs treating him like he’s your husband when he’s not, he still hasnt married you? Seriously, hav u ever read that book, “He’s just not that into you”? Sounds like you need to. Just being honest and keeping it real. I see dark skinned black men with dreadlocks, braids, afros, etc. with their WHITE women and 1/2 black children all the time here in… Read more »

Marisol
Marisol
6 years ago
Reply to  Sherron

Sherron, you stated that you are keeping it real, so I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if I did the same. You sound like a bitter woman. You sound more self hating than the black men you have dated. Where did all this hate come from? I grew up in the 80s and hate was never a part of our lives. I don’t know where it went wrong, but it’s sad.…

Afrodite
Afrodite
9 years ago

I am not surprised by your boyfriends response. Years ago my Trinidadian boyfriends mother (a woman with dark skin and waist length locs) told him I was too dark and she was worried we would produce dark skinned nappy headed babies. That was before I even decided to go natural. Unfortunately so many of us still suffer from internalized racism and oppression. One of the legacies of slavery was conditioning us to oppress ourselves and each other. I have gone natural several times. The 1st time I did the BC I was ill prepared and self-conscious. Fortunately I lived in NYC… Read more »

LGnLA
LGnLA
9 years ago

WOW WOW WOW… I was taken aback since this brother wears locs… NO seriously, I almost fell out my chair… he needs a CLUE immediately! Is he serious, he can wear his natural God given tresses, BUT you can’t… how friggin’ hypocritical is that??? OMG, I wouldn’t even know wear to start, to: 1. educate him 2. read him the riot act & 3. tell him to get over it/himself because YOU love it… simple as that! SMH… hmfph! ELEVATE!!

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