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Can he love you but hate your natural hair?

Avatar • Dec 7, 2009

black love

This question of the day was inspired by a thread on one of my fav natural hair blogs, The Natural Haven. (Check it out HERE.)

I felt I needed a guy to weigh in on this, so I asked my 25 y. o. friend Norman his thoughts:

    “I think the answer is yes, he can love you but hate your natural hair. In a relationship, you don’t love everything about each other. I think though that if people really do love each other like in a marriage then the husband should be supportive and remember that he didn’t marry for hair.”

So what do you think? (And yes, it was me who defaced that black love poster…)

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aloeveranewyork
10 years ago

I’m Haitian woman married to a white man from Switzerland. My husband looooves my natural hair. We met two years after I went natural in 2005 and when I straighten my hair he doesn’t like it because, to him, it’s not me. He loves playing with my curls and just loves when I wash and leave my hair to air dry into a big hair of springy curls. I went out with two Haitian men before I met my husband and they had no problem with my natural hair either.

Miss KS
10 years ago

I think that he could love you and not like your hair. When I went natural everyone around me hated my hair except me. But I stayed with it and I was unrelenting in how I felt about changing my hair. The comments and the criticisms faded once he (and all my love ones) saw I was going to rock a natural.

I think love has no bounds.

Trecia
Trecia
10 years ago

Agreed with your male friend. I’m not a guy, but I’ve seen it… mine is the opposite… I’ve got the “african queen” comment with my afro. one time I pressed it out and hes looking at me all weird… Its based on what that guy likes on YOU.

Apartmentlife
Apartmentlife
10 years ago

lmao irl at the poster! Yes, he has to love, or at least like my hair. A lot of us grew up thinking straight is the ideal beauty standard, and that kinky, coily, curly, nappy hair is not. We’re re-learning (or learning) how to take care of our natural hair, and in the process falling in love with it. So…it’s a slap in the face if your significant other prefers your hair straight or tells you your natural hair isn’t ideal. It’s a part of you and he doesn’t even want or prefer it. I see what your friend was… Read more »

Bajan Princess82
Bajan Princess82
10 years ago

I’ve never dated a man that didn’t like my hair. I’ve always been natural and never had a problem with men liking/loving my hair. I guess they wouldn’t have been attracted to me if they hated my curls. My husband loves my natural hair and I can’t imagine him loving me and hating my hair…that just doesn’t make sense. When you genuinly love someone, something like hair is so trivial it shoudln’t even matter. To him you should be the most beautiful woman in the world, hair and ALL!

South Loop Social Light

I think we’re making this deeper than it really it. Of course there will be styles that your man may not care for and he’ll have his preference… but by no means does that mean that he won’t love you for the wonderful person you are. Hair isn’t a deal breaker. I prefer my boyfriend with a shaved head and since he’s in the military this works to my advantage, but when he gets out and grows his hair out I won’t go running for the hills.

Chidi
10 years ago

Well it’s possible. Definitely. But is it ideal? Is that the sort of love that any woman longs for? It was a black man who convinced me to go natural. A man should love everything about you especially something you likely put a lot of effort and thought into doing. He should also love your mind and your courage for doing what is not considered normalcy. There should be respect in that alone. A man who isn’t fully satisfied about his woman will likely have his eyes wandering anyway. I say skip the simple and obvious one and fond ones… Read more »

Yoshi3329
Yoshi3329
10 years ago

Geez I hate that picture. It makes no sense. Just looking at it makes me sad/angry. How do you give the guy his hair in it’s natural state and not the woman. This picture pretty much says it all: Black men can wear their hair in their natural state but black women should only wear their hair in the eurocentric fashion or she isn’t beautiful.

Disgusting.

No, really.

/rant.

nonfictions
nonfictions
10 years ago

wow, that picture is so cheesy!

i don’t think i could be with someone that HATED my natural hair. perhaps someone that has a preference for relaxed/straightened hair, but respects my decision to wear my hair natural is okay, but to HATE my natural hair? i don’t think that relationship would work out.

NappturallyHappy
NappturallyHappy
10 years ago

That pic is not work-friendly at all.

Moni
Moni
10 years ago

I would also have serious issues with someone who hated my hair. If he hated it and continued to hate it (ie he never came around), then I would question his values (why does he prefer a faker, unhealthier version of me?) and what he really loves about me (ie the external or the whole package).

Fortunately, my bf has loved my natural hair from the moment I BCed with next to no hair and he’s always been my biggest supporter.

Matlhodi
10 years ago

My hubby loves my hair, but lately he’s been whining about how I’m forever working on my hair(twisting@night & untwisting in the morning)lol. He once suggested that I should go back to locks as they were low maintenance & less time-consuming. One thing I know he loves, is the attention I get when we’re together in public. I also love the proud look in his eyes when he notices how people look at my fro or twist-outs with admiration.

@BGLH, I have to agree with the other girls on that in-your-face picture. 🙂

Jc
Jc
10 years ago

This is a topic that is so real. I had one woman on my blog say that the woman should relax her hair because losing the marriage because of hair is not worth it.

I think the truth is it depends on the relationship you have. The comments on that post were very revealing

Meena
Meena
10 years ago

If a person says they love me but not my hair, they will be deleted from my circle of close relationships. Every woman (and if there is one who disagrees with this I stand corrected) wants to be desired by her significant other. That includes her physical characteristics, and with all the effort placed into caring for our hair (regardless of it’s state; natural, chemically straightened, exagerrated with extensions, you name it), if someone does not appreciate and lovingly admire that, they are a waste of time. I truly believe it is better for a woman’s well-being if the person… Read more »

xxlolax
xxlolax
10 years ago

when i finally wore my natural hair out„,not even i black guy would even look at me„i was like wooow..
but i did notice that i got more attention from other races..especially white..HUH.…
so, good riddance to shallow guys..bcuz am gonna b natural 4life..
God never makes mistakes

chrissystina
10 years ago

TO: XXLOLAX

Yup, girl. It seems Black men are into more straight, long down the back styles. I wore it both ways, and yeah, it is very true.

But Im with a white boy he loves my hair. My last boyfriend who was black loved my natural hair too.

I lthink you are on to something with “good riddance to shallow boys”…

ada
ada
10 years ago

@South Loop Social Light natural hair is not a hairstyle..its the way you hair is..just like the way my skin is black or my legs are long.. I cant change any of those attributes about myself well except I bleach my skin. or relax my hair or cut my limbs(ok thats a little extreme).and even if those changes are made it still does not nullify my default state.…you get ma point? Its a different thing if my SO does not like the way my hair is styled..how can my SO not like my hair the way it comes out of my… Read more »

Renise B
10 years ago

I refuse to date a guy who cannot appreciate my hair. I need to feel desired and wanted. I cldn’t deal with knowing my hair is unattractive to my SO b/c that means he’s unattracted to me. I was dating a guy when I decided to go natural. I told him my intentions to BC and he got upset, telling me not to do it b/c he didn’t like short hair (hair was already short). He didn’t want to date someone with hair as short as his. Clearly, I BC’d anyway. I sent a pict to his phone. He response “WTF!”… Read more »

brwnbarbie24
brwnbarbie24
10 years ago

I think it is possible for a man to love a woman but hate her natural hair. One of my friends is an example of this phenomenon. She is married and decided to go natural after the marriage. She transitioned for a while then did the big chop. Her husband absolutely hated it. I don’t think that means he doesn’t love her but that he’s not fond of her hair. He prefers straight hair, but I think his issue is more of a length hangup. I think he would be more accepting of long natural hair opposed to short, which… Read more »

Aisha
Aisha
10 years ago

I have mixed feelings about this. I would be uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone who hated my natural hair. Hate is a strong word. However, people do have their preferences when it comes to hairstyles, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

But I think saying a man should love EVERYTHING about you is very unrealistic. How many people saying this are actually in a relationship? Do you love everything about your SO’s appearance? If the guy is overall in love with you and your appearance, so what if he’s not crazy about your hair?

Renise B
10 years ago

I can agree that expecting someone to love EVERYTHING about you is unrealistic and I’m saying this as someone who is NOT in a relationship. Knowing that someone has a preference is one thing, but no matter what, a woman wants to feel that her man finds her attractive. Attraction is based on someone being pleasurable to the eye, as well as smells and what you hear. If he has such displeasure with seeing the texture of your hair, you won’t feel that he finds you as attractive as the normal relaxed/weave queen. Pple love to throw out the quoute… Read more »

iDleWilD
iDleWilD
10 years ago

Well when I went natural in 2005 I cut all my hair off, and rocked a brush cut for the summer months and then a little afro. Well when my boyfriend say my brush cut it looked as if he wanted to throw up on me. I could cut the tension w/ a knife it was so thick, I think it was more of my head lookin like his head instead of having something hanging. When I finally decided to loc it up the whole growing out stage was hard to, but overall it took a lot of gettin used… Read more »

K
K
10 years ago

If you love me, you love my hair. My hair is as much a part of who I am as the color of my skin or the sound of my voice or the color of my eyes. I wouldn’t accept a man that couldn’t love those things about me, so why would I love one who can love all of that and not my hair? Sorry, that does not compute.

nappyheadedblackgirl
10 years ago

yes, i do believe he can love you but hate the hair. i don’t understand the “well if he loved me he would love everything about me” statement. i think there are things we’d all like to change about our mates. it doesn’t mean we love them any less.

Mrs. Jackson
Mrs. Jackson
10 years ago

My husband loves me but dislikes the fact that I have gone natural (8 months). In fact I have not done the big chop because I know he would be very angery and unhappy with that type of hair do on me. Does that bother me? Yes. Does it hurt my self esteem? Yes, he’s my husband. But will I change my mind about going nautral? NO! My sister-in-law said to me the other day “you need to just throw a relaxer in you head and call it a day”. I did not respond to her comment nor do I… Read more »

Amy
Amy
10 years ago

I’ve just recently transitioned to my natural year after years spent in weaves and braids.

My boyfriend who is english loves it !! He never really got why i wore weaves or straightened my hair as he thinks the natural me is the most beautiful.

Nicole
10 years ago

Mrs. Jackson I can relate too well with what your saying concerning your husband not liking the natural hair, because my husband is the same way. I am currently transitioning and man do I love the natural hair. My husband hates it. I am wearing braid extensions right now and he is cool with that. other than that I have to wear a wig. Everyone else loves it when I wear the braid outs and twist outs, but he hates it. I don’t know what I am going to do, but I will not go back to the relaxer!

Mrs. Jackson
Mrs. Jackson
10 years ago

Nicole, I would suggest your husband view natural hair blog sites like this one, curlynikki and you tube so that he is able to see and better understand your reasons and goals for going natural.Also present to him the chemiclas that are in relaxers to explain why they are not healthy. This is what I have done with my husband since my last post. Now he understands my hair goals he is more accepting, encouraging and give me complaments. When he viewed my subscription to Rusticbeauty (on youtube) and saw her hair (length, styles and health) he was like wow.… Read more »

RAINA
RAINA
10 years ago

My fiance who is italian-american loves me either way,but never understood why I never wore my natural hair,and frankly neither did I. In september 2009 I did the big chop.….My fiance loves my T.W.A.Somehow I think it was easier for me to go natural because I knew that I had his support.BY HIM SUPPORTING ME ODDLY ENOUGH HELP ME TO TRULY LOVE MYSELF.

Nicole
10 years ago

Mrs Jackson I have done all of the above and he “gets it” but he still doesn’t like it. I think only time will make it better. We’ll see!

Kimberley
Kimberley
10 years ago

I have locks and so does my husband, but I don’t like his hair. I think it is way too long and messy. I wish he would cut some, or all of it!

Lynette
Lynette
10 years ago

Ladies…how bout we do this…since your man is so much into relaxed hair…tell him to relax his own hair…and you will follow suit…LOL!!…don’t worry ladies…it will never happen!

jewel
jewel
10 years ago

IA that natural hair is not a hairstyle… I mean Ive had time when my man didn’t like the style I was wearing but its a fundmental diffrence. And as for the (poster) she is wearing BRAIDS not a relaxer in the above poster.

ansley
ansley
10 years ago

yes it can happen. im living proof unfortunately. lol

maji
maji
10 years ago

Building off of this particular question of the day, I ask: Do black women who wear their hair naturally prefer black men who also wear their hair naturally?

By the way, I think natural hair is beautiful and I commend all that have the courage to let their hair take its natural course.
best,
(please note: Despite semantics, I am cognizant that black women who fashion their hair in its natural state are not a homogenized group, just like their male counterparts.)

j
j
10 years ago

makes no sense. that IS you in your pure form. if he rejects that.… he’s rejecting you.
i am so glad that my husband loves and prefers me in my natural form. i cant say that alternative isnt love but it aint right.

Brandi
10 years ago

I think he can dislike my hair & still love me…my fiancee just loves my hair period…in all of its states…slightly curly, relaxed…early morning messy..lol. He just loves it.

Indigowaters
Indigowaters
10 years ago

This is why I’m glad I’m not in a relationship yet. I plan on doing the big chop tomorrow (nervous!) and I don’t want someone who doesn’t want all of me.

tamar
10 years ago

um i’m haitian and my man is black american and he love my natural hair he has even encouraged me to get locs, he says he likes straight hair styles but he also love big crazy natural hair…the first time he saw my hair all puff without me flat ironing it or putting it up he ran his fingers through my hair hugged me then kissed me

Bethany
Bethany
10 years ago

I don’t think a guy could love me if he didn’t love my natural hair; it is such a part of who I am. However, my ex (but then current) boyfriend was going through old pictures of me and he came across some of my twa when I first cut my hair. He told me that he loved my hair (which I know for a fact that he did because he couldn’t keep his hands out of it) but that he didn’t like it that short. He then went on to say that he’d be sad if I relaxed it… Read more »

TrinityInMe
TrinityInMe
10 years ago

THIS IS THE T.R.U.T.H.…I am married to an extremely Southern influenced black man. He was born and raised in Barbour County, Alabama, where “if ur skin ain’t light…u ain’t right” and “if ur hair ain’t straight…ya can’t get a date.” So, when I told him that I was going natural he flipped, he said “You mean nappy?” and I confirmed. Initially it was an argument, but then I remembered, hey, I love this man, till death do us part and I know he loves me, he’s just ignorant to natural hair. So we did some research (online of course) and… Read more »

Chocolatebuddafly
Chocolatebuddafly
10 years ago

Wow, hate is such a strong word.…but I do believe everyone is entitled to their opinion. With that being said, I could not date a man who did not accept ME and that includes my hair. He doesn’t have to “love” it but he couldn’t “hate” it either. My husband met me with short permed hair(the Hale Berry cut), and I cut it even shorter right before our wedding and went natural, grew it all back, permed it, dyed it, and now back NATURAL for life…BUT he knew and still knows, I do me! The great part is, he loves… Read more »

Nene
Nene
10 years ago

Well I have found that since I have gone natural, I get NO attention from men. I used to get lots of attention when I permed it. It’s really kind of weird. Occasionally I get some guy who is really, really not my type and I know that they are attracted to my hair.

Shadeah
Shadeah
10 years ago

When I met my husband, my hair was straight and long. He would always touch my hair. I’ve transitioned three times since 2006 to natural hair. In April 2010, I did the big chop to a mini fro. He did not like that nor did he like my natural do. But lately I’ve found him touching my hair again 🙂 I think its a transition for him as well.

Intelligentblackbeautiful

I did the big chop Aug 30th! My boyfriend and I had a mini argument prior to the BC about my decision, eventually we compromised and I did the big chop with the understanding that if he didn’t like it, I’d wear it in braids until it’s grown out more (but nothing can make me return to the creamy crack). He doesn’t like the length (rocking a twa) but he loves its texture and plays with my hair more now than when I had it relaxed. If he didn’t like the texture of my hair, I know the relationship wouldn’t… Read more »

Essence
Essence
10 years ago

I’m glad someone else said what I was going to say: natural hair is not a hair style, its the way your hair grows out of your scalp. When people of other races wear there hair natural its not a style so why is it a style with black women? Anyway,this is a tough one, but I think if he doesn’t love my hair he would have to at least like it some. No, hair is not love or the source of a relationship. But it is part of what he would what my husband sees that attracts him to… Read more »

Kizzy
Kizzy
9 years ago

I recently went natural after years of relaxers and did so partly because my husband requested it. He loves my hair. I know many women who are natural and they all are married and their hubbies seem to love it.
[img]http://bglhonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Photo on 2011-01-05 at 14.58.jpg[/img]

Kinky Chic
Kinky Chic
9 years ago

The headline of this post reminds me of a quote from Toni Morrison’s Song of Solomon that goes like this: (and the context is that one of the female characters, Hagar–a black woman–is devastated by the fact her cousin has seen dating a white woman. This is what her mother says to console her) “How can he love you and not love your hair? It’s the same hair that grows out of his own armpits. The same hair that crawls out his crotch up on his stomach. All over his chest. The very same. It grows out of his nose,… Read more »

PYates
PYates
9 years ago
Reply to  Kinky Chic

Have MERCY!!!!

Deborah
Deborah
9 years ago

I have been natural for 14 years. Of that, I spent 7 years with a very short fade. Most of my ex boyfriends have no clue what I looked like with a relaxer and they were all fine with my natural look. I wore it confidently and that was a main part of our attraction. I have grown my hair to neck length hair and currently wear it in twists, afros, blow outs or pressed. I’m still adjusting to styling, moisturizing and maintaining it. My current boyfriend has been very vocal about his desire to see me change my hairstyles… Read more »

Osunyoyin
9 years ago

no. but he CAN kiss my entire ass.

Visitor
Visitor
8 years ago
Reply to  Osunyoyin

LOL. I love your response! This is all that is needed. Many black women need to stop caring. These boys have the same hair, if they don’t like it on you, they don’t like it on themselves. The problem is with them and their low self esteem, think about it. By the way, black men are not like that. (Notice why I went from boys to men)

KJ
KJ
9 years ago

If perms could save marriages then divorce would be a foreign word in the black community. Divorce/ separation is so much more spiritual than that.

Carole
9 years ago

nope! not at all! because its more than just a style choice. its a life changing decision. its the way i express that i am proud of everything i am. if he cant love something like what naturaly grows from my scalp then we will never work.

Catherine
Catherine
9 years ago

If he loves you, he loves all of you.

However, if you’re thinking about transition, talk about it. Then you’ll know his views.

I would NEVER vouch for you to change yourself (thoughts, opinions, etc) for anyone. If it’s something you really want go for it and he should support you. Especially since it harms no one.

Tia
Tia
9 years ago

I’ve actually had more men of other races, mostly caucasian, compliment my natural hair than black men. Since I’ve been natural, over 2 years, I’ve only had four brothers compliment my natural hair. When I slap on a wig I notice I get more attention from black men. I don’t understand this because I feel like the wigs are so fake looking. I just use them as protective styles and for a change. My ex who was a black actually said that he prefers my hair relaxed over natural.

Suga Brown
Suga Brown
9 years ago

Wow…these brothas are still stuck w the mentality that the European look means better. Its amazing! We accept even love their natural hair… And they wonder why some sistas are shallow (look at what you are doing to us). Ladies its all about his MENTALITY! Love yourself & ALL of you & the right one will be drawn to you & love everything about you as well.

teppuM
teppuM
9 years ago

my experience has also been that men of other races prefer my natural hair. my late boyfriend was white and was madly in love with it — he never wanted me to relax it, and he didn’t even like relaxed hair on other chicks. =p black guys, though, they either don’t look at you at all, or they think they’re being polite by suggesting that you can go “get your hair done,” or even offering to pay for it. =p pfft. my natural hair is part of who i am. would you suggest to someone you like to go get… Read more »

Audra Woodley
Audra Woodley
9 years ago

Excellent question bcuz I actually had to deal with this very issue within a relationship. The guy I was dating ONLY had a like for long straight hair and frequently voiced his negative opinion regarding the “natural” look. I was constantly defending my hair and explaining what the evolution of my hair meant to me…that is was in fact a spiritual and liberating experience that embodied the essence of my being. My feelings were if you don’t love and embrace this true experience then you are not loving a great deal of who I am. He has since grown to… Read more »

dawn
dawn
9 years ago

my hair is not my identity. my husband doesn’t see it as such, either. that said, my husband never says “i love your natural hair.” and he never says “i love your straight hair.” what he says simply is this, no matter which way i choose to wear it (be that curly or straight, as i straighten my hair fairly often but have been known to wear it curly with almost as much frequency when i want to give it a heat break): i love your HAIR. it looks amazing. he doesn’t see my hair as something that is part… Read more »

Amasia
8 years ago

I get more attention from guys when i have weave in my hair. My boyfriend hates weaves though and is in love with natural hair period so he’s supportive and being natural was inspired by him. But what ive found out is that most guys like long hair, regardless if its natural, weaved, relaxed or braided. black women with short hair get frowned upon in my community aka high school/ teen yrs. people from other races seem to love my hair for some reason, i always get complimented on my different hairstyles/ colors. natural hair is so versatile!

boginya energii
boginya energii
8 years ago

Hi there.. Well as for me, I am in a relationship with a caucasian man also european. I am jamaican Half indian half african. My HAIR, MY BOYFRIEND?: — We started dating while I had dreadlocks. They were long down to the bottom of my spine. He liked it… I soon started getting tired of it, problems sleeping and the extra weight. - I cut my hair a while ago about an inch from the scalp, he loved it.. me too. -It is now longer (still natural) and he still loves it… At the end I have not seen a significant change… Read more »

YesYesDesi
YesYesDesi
8 years ago

I just buzzed my hair. My boyfriend hated it initially, moreso because I didn’t hint that I was going to cut it and he literally saw me one day with long yarn braids and the next day with an almost bald head. It is now filling in and her loves it. For him, it wasn’t an issue of my hair being natural, but it being short which is another conversation in itself. My boyfriend told me he’d prefer that I not cut my hair, but if I shaved it tomorrow, he wouldn’t dump me. He said he’d be a fool… Read more »

Danie
Danie
8 years ago

my boyfriend actually encourages me to leave my hair natural lol. He prefers it that way 🙂
(i personally dont really but meh)

abiola
abiola
8 years ago

i know the story im about to share doesnt involve a guy but i feel there is a lesson. i befriended a lesbian (a black girl) who ended up developing feelings for me. i am not a lesbian and didnt share her feelings, but we did remain friends. though i am natural i do make and wear wigs a lot. after a couple of months of knowing her, i mentioned in a random conversation that i was natural. she was immediately put off and said she was happy nothing happened between us cuz she couldnt deal with someone she liked… Read more »

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago

I was natural in my 20’s and in NYC and got plenty of attention from guys. Sure, some guys prefer straight, or curling-iron curls, and I wasnt the gal for them. Just as some women surely have preferences about guys’ looks. Some guys might think a big fro “means something”, like she’s gonna be AngelaDavis on his *ss or something. If a guy is intimidated by your hair or doesnt like your naps, then find the next fellow that appreciates all of you. If in a relationship and doing something ‘drastic’, prepare to accept that your guy may not like it

Kaia
Kaia
8 years ago

Of course a man can love you and not love your hair. The same way I can love him, but hate his goatee or fact that his ears are pierced, etc. The key is that he accept me as I am, regardless of whether he loves every little thing about me. He may not like my hairstyle, the color I paint my nails or the clothes I wear. But if he loves me, he’ll keep it to himself and embrace it all as a package deal.

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